Zarna Garg: Proof It’s Never Too Late to Start Over (and Crush It) | GaryVee Audio Experience w/ Zarna Garg

0:00This next guest is not only one of the true funny people in society, one of the great comedians currently touring. We have a book that we're about to have. Everyone's going to buy a bunch. The reason I want her here is because her story is bananas. Her story is bananas. She's a true inspiration. My friend, how are you? I'm okay. I think destiny brought me here today. We were booked to come here. But I got the call yesterday that they're passing and all the press that goes out when they pass on something that big. and you know in another world when i didn't know you i would probably be scrolling your videos to remind myself that it's okay you have to take hits and keep coming back because that's the business yeah of course but life had it that we were gonna sit across from each other you're the king of resilience gary and for years i've leaned on you for support and like thank you for having I love you.

0:57Sister, listen to me. This is really, like honestly, do you know how blessed you are to be able to be disappointed about this? I know. I mean, there's literally over the next decade, millions of people that will listen to this of the long tail of podcasts who would die to even be in a position that they were in striking distance of selling a sitcom to a major network. It is a remarkable accomplishment from where you started. When did you start doing comedy? Five years ago. Fucking, do you know how insane that is? five years ago people were like picking their butt at COVID on the couch at this time and have not done anything since and in that window you've literally gone from obscurity to a meaningful touring comedian who has a new book and is crying because yesterday one of the big networks passed on your sitcom which must mean because I know you a little bit because we're friendly that it was close you wouldn't be acting this way it must have been almost kind of I don't know the details so the pilot was in a four way bidding war every network in America had bid to buy it and we went with these guys because they really wanted it they really wanted it they told us they wanted it and then you know they pulled the rug out and we made a pilot that in the end they were like it's so good there are no notes is the pilot softly based on you and the fam?

2:16it's based much on me and my fam and it's like and they knew and it's fine. I have nothing against the network. People make the business decisions. It's business. It's business. I don't take it personally. I know you don't. You have to learn not to, right? Because you do in the beginning. Now I know why you're crying. You got caught in it felt done. Yes. Yeah, I got it. Exactly. There's nothing like, honestly. I'm disappointed in me. I got it now. Exactly. I got it now. Because honestly, I'm like, come on, we got, now I get it. By the way, I'm going to tell, I mean, this is ludicrous, but this is for my audience right now.

2:51What is happening here is why in the history of the last 20 years of New York Jets football, until the clock goes zero, zero, zero, the Jets could be winning 24-0 with nine seconds left and I will not celebrate because when you celebrate before it's over, you are in deep shit for what's happening right now. You allowed yourself to go there because obviously everything that led up to it made you believe it was 101 % and it was 99. It was a rookie mistake. And I'm upset at myself. I have nothing about the network. It's all, you know, the legal contract said they have the option to not pick it up.

3:35Of course. So they've done nothing wrong. It's me. It's me being like, am I, just do I not get it? If the paper was not signed and sealed, what was I thinking? You know? Look, you were, listen, I mean, fuck man. like it's, you know, again, if it sounds like, it makes sense, George Lopez, Roseanne Barley, like if you're like really doing that show, you know, you, listen, you're confident right now. You've been red hot. You're super, actually, let's introduce yourself. We're like fully in it. I know people can read. I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't even know. We have tissues? Oh my God, I'm proud of us.

4:08Yeah, thank you. Wow. Why don't you tell everybody who you are and what you do? I'm Zarna Garg. I'm a stand-up comic. I'm an Indian immigrant mom, mother of three kids, and very notorious daughter-in-law. Yes. Because I make mother-in-law jokes and I am one of one in this world, South Asian woman making mother-in-law jokes. Yeah, right. Because my people don't understand you can do that for fun. Yes. And not be personally like skewering real people in real life. So it's an education for my people. But that's what I do. I'm also an award-winning screenwriter. I'm a content creator. Yeah. I have a whole content business of my own.

4:45And yeah. and currently I'm now doing my second year of touring with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I just signed on to do this year as well. Good. I opened for them on the road. You crushed, I saw it. And I have a book out, my journey of how I became a comedian, how I actually came to America. This is the book about how I came to America. I'm a happy immigrant. So I wrote a happy immigrant story, even though there's a lot of ups and downs. I know it's not cordial to ask a woman her age, but I think this is incredibly important because I really view you, this is why we're close. Because I'm, you know me.

5:21You know me, you guys know me. I keep my circle tight. I'm for everyone, but in real life, I'm for almost no one. I think you're a real fucking inspiration. I try. No, no, no. You did. You try to be, I think you try to be one of the great comics of all time. That's another reason I admire you. I think that's what you try. I think you are inspiration. here's why. You started comedy how many years ago? Five years ago. And that's because your kids were really like, mom you really are fucking funny like that. Yeah, I was struggling. I was trying to just get back to work. I was a stay at home mom for 16 years.

6:02And 16 years of being home with them I realized I'm not into them. That life was not, it was killing me slowly. Of course. Just not doing anything of my own, not making my own money. and I tried and failed at almost 15, 16 businesses. Yep. But while I was trying to come back, I was a matchmaker for a hot minute. It was so bad. That's a worse business ever. Like an Indian matchmaker? Like an Indian matchmaker, but here in New York. Yeah. It was so bad. It was the worst business ever. Were you worse at picking the women or the men? Well, you're always picking the, like the only people who pay matchmakers are women.

6:39Yeah. And the whole business is telling women it's not too late. Well, actually, it's too late. But it's not too late. It's not too late. No, in a marriage context, people come with whatever. You'll have a 50-year-old woman who's like, I need this and this, and he must be a surgeon who's also won a Nobel Prize. And you're sitting there, because you're getting paid, you're like, yes. And you're like, bitch, you're 50. Yeah, exactly. This is what I'm saying. But I'm sure you said that. I did, and that's why the business didn't last.

7:09Listen, how old were you when you started stand-up? 45. This. Yeah. You have to understand, this is all selfish for me. Yeah, no, I get it. You are the fucking human being that, here's why. 16 year, stay at home mom, immigrant, 45 years old. What's the most left field? I'm trying to just get people to post on Instagram and sell on whatnot. You're like, fuck it. I'm gonna open for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in four years. What? Yeah. Do you know how absurd that is? And you know what's more absurd? I actually do that for fun. Of course. Because I sell out my own shows. Of course. I sell out 2 ,000 theaters myself.

7:53Of course. But I want to be in their matrix. As you should. And you're no fucking idiot. Yeah. Like, you also are aware that in these huge theaters, they're all coming to see them. And I view you like Kendrick Lamar a long time ago said, the reason I go on other albums is I'm gonna steal their fans. I think it was him. It might have been somebody else but I recall it was him or somebody said that about him at the time. I remember that show and I mean Tina and Amy are fucking geniuses. I'm a human being. I'm allowed to have my own subjective enjoyment of humor. I'm also an immigrant so this probably resonates because of that.

8:33I also grew up in Edison, New Jersey. I'm half Indian. That's the world capital of Indian. I'm pretty half Indian at this point. And it was 1986 when they were all just starting to come. And I was the only immigrant in Edison, New Jersey, so I had to be their ambassador.

8:50You were stealing fans at the show I was at. I watched it. So you're no bozo. I know you're doing it for fun, but you're also building your base. You are truly, truly, because of how insanely hard stand-up is, how left field it is, You are truly one of the great examples of my entire thesis of life. I don't know what else to say. And I mean, I hope that people watch and hear my story and know that they can do it. You know, the truth is, I didn't know I was late at anything. I was so busy doing my thing, being a mom. And, you know, I realized that I was late at a morning news show. I was doing an interview with Gayle King for something.

9:35And she said, you know, you came to comedy late in life. And I was like, I did? Because I'm all about doing what's in front of me. I'm not thinking before. I'm not thinking after. I'm fully committed in that moment. And what happens, happens. Did you consume comedy? Never. Never stepped foot in a comedy club to watch. I didn't know what that was. I'm Indian. We don't do fun. I get it. I get it. Yeah. We don't go out like, oh, let's go. You spend all your time yelling at your kids for being engineers and fucking doctors. Yeah. Like I would do an SAT prep class. Right. I'm not gonna - That's what fun was for you.

10:10We don't go drinking. I know. That's not our culture. So I never, I went in for the first time because my kids were like, you should try it. And I was like, that's not a job. But just to shut them up. You were that funny to your kids? Yeah, because all them and their friends would hang out at our house. I used to do funny speeches at weddings, Indian weddings and schools. They would just give me a mic and like you say something. You would just go, yeah. And I would just start rambling. And 45 minutes later. That's how it started, yeah. By the way, you know that's how my public speaking career started?

10:42I'm sure. I never knew that was a thing. I just did shit. It was a birthday and I would just be like, Gary, you say something. And like 20 minutes later, I'm like, and then Johnny. Yeah, exactly. Maybe you have a career in stand-up, Gary. Oh, I've always thought. I feel like. I think it's a different. I'll tell you what I have a career in. Yeah. I think stand-up actually is more like school. that I don't think I could do stand up well. I think I could open mic well occasionally because what I could really do is host SNL. I can do improv. I can improv my fucking face off. If you told me to go on stage right now in front of all eight billion people because that's how technology now worked and here's the premise, I've never taken an improv class.

11:26I don't know if I've ever watched any of the Second City stuff, but I know it's in me. Every time SNL's on, like I just walk by the TV and I'm like I can do that shit I can fucking do that shit but when I look at stand up I do not think I can do that shit because it's a different game it's why I don't think I can do a sitcom by the way I just let me fly and be free it's over give me some level of any structure and I fucking melt because I'm like fuck that shit you can do that you can do all those things and I love it I love it I love the academic part of it. I see it. My screenplay, I'm a self-taught screenplay writer on YouTube.

12:07You told me, I know. Learn for free. And I ended up beating, number one. Yeah, I know you remember. Beating 11 ,000 scripts. I love it. I pulled my whole heart into learning how to write it technically. Is the book out or is it coming out? Tuesday. Tuesday. Yeah. So everybody, what's the name of the book? This American Woman. All right, everybody, listen. A, if you're a reader, I'm telling you, and you guys all know, I don't read books. I have no fucking idea what's in this book. I'll never read this book. What I can tell you, what I can tell you from the bottom of my heart is I would bet my life that this is a remarkable book.

12:44I just know this woman. I know her. So A, if you just read, because you're weird like that, aka you're like 90 % of the world, you should buy it. B, for the other 10 % that aren't like that, you need to buy two copies just to support her. She needs to feel good next Tuesday and it would mean a lot to me if you do that. I don't know if we're gonna put this out on Tuesday. We'll probably put it out a little earlier. I think book postures always have it wrong. They're like, wait for today, wait for today. I'm like, fucking stack the sales. Stack the fucking sales. And by the way - Can you just read?

13:13I just need, Mike, you need to listen to this. Listen to endorse, don't give the endorsement. Name the humans that endorsed the back of the book. This is fucking ludicrous. Go. It's Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, Kevin Hart, Padma Lakshmi, Lilly Singh. We had to decline endorsements. Of course. because there was no, there's no space. I'll be honest with you. I triple checked my email and text. The fact that I wasn't asked for an endorsement because oh, by the way, I've sold more books than every person on the back that are combined on the record. On the record. Facts. I'm offended. Yeah, well, there's another book coming and I'm going to take you up on it.

13:50Nope. I'm no second fiddle girl. You're out. It's too late. All right, let's go into, you can do anything. The floor is yours. So for those who don't read, there is an audio book that is selling. Did you read it? Yes, of course. And there is bonus content. And what it is, you will appreciate. I made my husband and kids write an essay about their viewpoint on my journey of watching their mom get out from under that life. That's so self-serving. I love you for that. Of course. And my husband's essay is shattering. It's a shattering look at married couple life because he lost his job just as my career took off.

14:29Wow. Yeah, during COVID. that i didn't know 22 years of working on wall street he lost his job i forgot and i had to step in and not just be a comic but build a comedy business overnight because new york city as we know is expensive yeah money all the money you have saved is gonna blow like like a box of donuts it's gone in a day and and he in his essay talks about what it means and what it meant to him to have a life partner who you know that's huge my journey that's part of the audible experience because the book has photos. Did the mother-in-law read an essay? My mother-in-law has hired an agent because she thinks she deserves a cut from every book sales.

15:09Right, because you're joking. By the way, my father says the same shit. Yeah, he's a big character. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, you know that. My father's like, hey, real quick, I feel like you talk a lot about me. Do I get money for that? I'm like, no, dad, you don't get money. In fact, you owe me money. Well, you started his wine library. Yeah, he started, yes, it changed to wine library with me I built a huge business for my dad but you know immigrant stuff is so cool the older I get the more I'm grateful the luck of the draw gave me that journey because I love my American friends to death they don't have the same luxury they fully take being born in America for granted they can't help it it's not their fault and they have different family dynamics immigrants have different family dynamics it is when I tell you I love America I fucking love America you should see me because I travel the world you know everyone wants to shit on America no matter who the fucking president is last 15 years shit shit shit I fucking come guns a blazing I fucking shattered these 30 people in the UK a couple weeks ago from all over the world they just shat on America for about 20 minutes and then I just stayed quiet which is impossible for me but I was setting up my killer mood there's a Nobel Peace Prize there you have no idea what I did to them I just systematically destroyed them and it's true because America for all its shortcomings life is about comparison like you know like the Canadian dude's like why the fuck does everyone come to America for their surgeries that have money if it's so fucking great like so nonetheless but America for all the greatness that Americans and America has they do not have the family structure in the culture the same way.

16:57And it is the great blessing that immigrants have because fuck, man, when all else fails, having a family unit, a sister, a nephew, a brother, a mom, a dad, whatever you have, when you have immigrant family shit, it's different. It's fucking different. I wish it on all of them. I do. And I mean, I actually put them to work. hashtag believe in child labor. Yeah. All my kids are out there working. I'm the byproduct of child labor. Right. I am the child that was in labor. But do you not think you benefited from it? Of course I benefited from it. You would not be who you are. Of course not. Exactly.

17:37If I had all my high school days just hanging around by the pool, I'd not be who I am. Exactly. Now, I think I took it too far. No, no, no, no, no. It didn't take it too far. It's all good. It's all good. There's no such thing. What do you want people to know about the book? I want people to know that even though this is my life story, it's designed to help them kickstart their life story. Explain. I wrote the book so anybody who feels stuck, like they want to do something, they think it's too late, they think they're too old. Whether immigrant or not. Immigrant or not, woman or not, minority or not, whatever your story is, you're gonna, by the time you're done with this book, you'll laugh, you'll cry, and you will believe.

18:15How much will we laugh? Is it funny? It's me. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. I mean, death will be funny in this book because in addition to all that I do, I also do comedy shows at funerals for real because there are people no no please no yes no I believe you which is why I'm asking you to expand yeah because sometimes people pass you have gone to funerals yes and done sets yes because they have believed that the person who passed would not want people crying at their event how many of these have you done I've done like five or six and I started during COVID on Zoom Zoom funeral yeah that was tough it was so tough and I remember a circumstance where a father died in New York, the mother was stuck in India, the kids were stuck, you know, airplanes had shut down, and the mother called me and said, you know what, he would not want us all crying.

19:04And I remember thinking - You knew her? She was a friend of a friend, and she reached out, you know, Indian life, right? Of course. You know every, how many are there? Three billion? And you know them all. We're all related. Yeah, exactly. By the way, speaking of that, do you know what the funniest thing about 80s immigrant life was? Because I grew up 80s immigrant life. do you know that when I was growing up when someone found out that I was Russian that they would be like oh do you know my plumber Boris Zuboff? I'm like yes I know every Russian person in the world. That was always a funny thing to me that nonetheless okay five wow.

19:40Yeah and I do even more like we live in New York Memorial Sloan Kettering. I get hired to go to their relatives. A lot of people you talked about people coming for surgeries here so many people come here for cancer treatment but it's very expensive so a person who's getting treated is often here alone so I get desperate calls from people all over the world saying can you go and hold my relative's hand tell some jokes they can't leave they're in very complicated life the point is life is complicated and I know how to make it fun all of it and including the journey how long are you going to dwell about this network oh I maybe I'll go shopping No, but really, really, really.

20:22What do you think? What's your gut right this second? I'll tell you that I learned my lesson. You found it when? Yesterday? Yesterday. You posted right away? I posted within minutes. Because it helped you. Yeah. Oh, and you were already telling your audience it was happening? Yeah. Oh, so you really went there. And I have an honest relationship with my audience. I know. That's why we fucking love it. I know. We do the same thing. Yeah. That's why it works. I won. I won. When you lose, you lose. And it's here. They're going to read about it in every Deadline article. Hear it from me. What I have to say.

20:50So I'm over the anger of it. I'm over the sadness of it. And I have come to the conclusion, which you already know I don't need to tell you, I am going to build my own distribution. Why am I wasting my time? Well, there's two things. I would argue, you know what's funny? I would actually argue the counter, believe it or not. Okay. In a world, like, don't forget, like, the Seinfeld Chronicles was canceled. like I would argue that you're still too fresh off the feeling as we sit here today the reality is there was three other people bidding the reality is there's four to five other places it could go the reality is you're not gonna build your own distribution for a sitcom no I'm gonna build my own distribution for my stories yeah you're doing that anyway you're doing that anyway but if you're this upset you wanna do this sitcom and I think you're right the thing is I was good at it I was so good at it I know that and by the way you're also again I'm saying it for a second time you're no dummy you know that if you're good at it and it's good that that's good you know that I just think you need to sell it to number two three or four or one of the other streaming services or other people that did not bid like it's not over yeah it's not over I mean, what was that?

22:15John Wick? That shit was dead, dead, dead. And then what? Even LaGuardia, I think, found the eight million bucks at the last, something weird. I don't remember the exact story. Shit's dead. Not Aaron Brotch. Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump was sitting in a fucking pile and someone's like, eh. Like, what are you fucking talking about? You had four bidders. You picked the wrong one. Call the other three back. Yeah. You are a bad matchmaker. I am. Because the reality is, if a matchmaker, if I was a matchmaker, I'd be like, wait a minute, don't worry. Call the other boy that wanted to marry you. Is that in your career plan now, Gary?

22:56Listen, I'm telling you right now, I've thought about this a lot. If I decided to get into dating advice, I think I could crush. Predominantly, I would focus on insecurity, which is 99 % of the market. it's really scary how much it's poison and how much dating is like business is like life. It's all the same shit. And by the way, there are people who are gangsters in business, insecure in relationships. Gangsters in relationships, insecure in business. Like everybody has their own lanes where we're like gangsters in something and scared in something else. Of course, yeah. Like I'm really not scared, but heights, fuck that shit.

23:35Oh, really? Yeah, I don't like it. You're here. No, no, I know. I'm good like that. And you know my apartment. Like I'm good like that. but like a roller coaster like snakes fuck with me I don't like snakes as much as I thought I did like every time I'm near like a real one I'm like eh and they're behind shit in the wild I'd fucking shit some people are just not scared of snakes yeah I'm not happy with where you're at mentally on this thing you need to go right back and just sell it to the next person yeah we'll see it's all ongoing and we're definitely trying but but I want to build my own thing I hated the idea.

24:12You did build, but I'm continuing to build. Yeah, you did build your own thing. How the fuck do you think you got here? Social mattered for you. Yeah, and it does. It's front and center. Correct. It's and. Yeah, and yeah. Yeah, don't fucking, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yeah. Emotional decisions are always bad business decisions. I know. Why am I such a rookie? How am I building this business? Not remembering the basics, Gary? Easy. You're, you like me, like everyone, no matter how good you are, all of us are allowed and should give ourselves the grace to be a human because we're human.

24:46But you don't seem to make mistakes. I make mistakes. I make mistakes. My superpower is my dwelling is so quick. I've disappointed myself because that's why you're upset. I've disappointed myself. The speed in which I go from, fuck, I'm pissed. This is devastating to, this doesn't mean shit, is fucking fast. Resilient, you know, this is why I always am weirded out by cats. Cats. Yeah, you know how cats do the thing? I do that with myself. I go into this cocoon and I just soothe it out fast. Because really, it's almost based on practicality. Dwelling is so not productive. Yeah. It's gonna go nowhere.

25:37Like zero. And if you don't cut it, dwelling can get very dark. The path to suicide starts with crying about dumb shit. Yeah. The path to suicide starts with the seed of crying about something stupid. And so I really believe that. So I try to cut that string fast. And long before suicide, which is obviously an extreme outcome, there's depression before there's depression there's over analyzing this word anxiety I hate this fucking word it's so overused right now people have completely I hate these new words you know another word I hate imposter syndrome friends imposter syndrome doesn't exist it's called insecurity I know you want to put makeup on your insecurity and use some new terminology to make it socially acceptable it's fucking insecurity yeah and we've weaponized this word anxiety for what is an actuality for the last hundred years of humanity and I can't go further with what my own research which is temporary inconvenience a momentary struggle even let me give you more grace sustained lack of enjoyment in something but we fucking have like over fucking analyzed everything.

27:09That's what we do. But the good news - You almost sold a fucking sitcom five minutes ago. You were sitting worried about when your son was going to walk in from school today. Yeah. Yeah. We're not allowed to cry about this. You're right. I do need to hear that. But the good news is I am not feeling suicidal at all. I know that. I'm actually feeling more like who can I kill? Yes, I understand. But that's also - I know, yes. That also - And I don't plan it. But when I think that - No, no. You know whose face? Come on, you know whose face is. Not your mother-in-law. It is my mother-in-law. The reason you're crying is because I know you.

27:44You're a gangster. When you started the path of who can I kill, something bad happened. It was you. It was me. It was you. Oh, I was so angry. It was you. It's always the worst. It's the only time I'm actually upset is when I'm upset with myself. I never am upset when someone else is doing dumb shit or trying to fuck with me. I understand it. The only time in life that I'm actually sad is when I'm disappointed in myself. I feel so stupid. You know what I feel like? I feel like those guys who go to strip clubs and the strippers convincing them that she's in love with them. Yes. And you believe it?

28:21Yes. But she's doing it every five minutes. I feel like I was that idiot. Well, that's because Diamond is very convincing. Yeah. Diamond. You know? Yes. No, that's right. But you know what else? Look, let's really analyze what really happened here. Let's actually use our time that's remaining here on something very important. Which is? Who used the evil eye on you? Because you know it's the evil eye that got you. No. No, this is, let's get to the real, let's get to the crux of Indian culture. Who evil eyed you? Because you know this was locked in until someone evil eyed you. Yes, somebody. Somebody that interception.