The Surprising Case for Oversharing

23:57Or say that you're telling a friend about an awful moment at work. Talking openly about that incident can help you determine whether you felt disregarded or frustrated or ashamed or overwhelmed. And studies find that knowing the precise feeling you're going through can help you regulate that feeling more effectively. When you do this, it's like becoming the CEO of your feelings. Because you're in control. You can name them. And when you can name them, that's deeply comforting. So that's the first benefit of oversharing. It helps you think more precisely about what you're feeling. Benefit number two of TMI is simple.

24:31It just feels good. In one experiment, participants were asked to disclose information about themselves while sitting inside an fMRI brain scanner. The researchers found that revealing personal information activated participants' reward networks, the very same brain regions that would fire if you won a bunch of money, ate something delicious, or took cocaine. So relative to people who did not get to talk about themselves, those who got to answer questions about themselves literally found it more pleasurable. And Leslie says there's an evolutionary logic to why revealing feels so good. We experience acts of TMI positively because they connect us with other people.

25:08The way sharing increases connection fundamentally is that it increases trust. When you reveal something sensitive that causes the other person to trust you, why? Because that's a social risk. If I tell you something sensitive about myself, I am relinquishing control to the universe and implicitly saying, I trust you because I'm doing it. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't trust you, right? And that in and of itself causes you to trust me back. But Leslie has found that we often miss opportunities for building that happiness-boosting trust. She finds that we simply don't notice the little moments in which we could disclose something about ourselves to another person.

25:48So let's take a banal day in the life of me. I wake up in the morning. I roll over in bed. I say, good morning, Collie, my hubby. What I don't say is I slept like crap when I don't sleep well. I can't regulate my emotions. I don't say any of that. We get to the bathroom. We're brushing our teeth. What I think to myself is, you know, I feel older than I thought I would at this age. I think these things, I don't say them. We go down to the kitchen. The kids are frolicking. My husband starts packing their lunch. He's like, what do you think they want for snack? I say, I don't know, another decision.

26:22Stop it. That's sad. But what I don't say is I need a hug. I'm exhausted. I need some grace today. I have a big presentation coming up. I don't say any of that. So we're not even at breakfast yet. I mean, I could go on and on. That's a lot of tiny missed moments for disclosure. And Leslie thinks each of them has an opportunity cost. It's not that we should say all of the things that are on our mind. You don't want that. I don't want that. but I think that we should consider saying more of these things because I think if we did, I know that our lives would be better for it. Being known for who you really are, that's the source of love and closeness, right?

27:03Oftentimes, what feels like over-communicating is just communicating. My husband can't read what's on my mind. I need to tell him my needs and then he's amazing, but he can't read my mind. What feels like over-communicating is just communicating, what feels like oversharing is just sharing. I love Leslie's point here. Often what feels like oversharing is just sharing. Often what our minds think of as too much information is just information. But if that's the case, how do we get over our fears about revealing? How do we stop missing out on all these little opportunities for connection and start opening up more?

27:40To find out, I decided to tag in a friend. I'm Nick Epley. I'm a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, and I just finish a book titled A Little More Social. Nick is one of my favorite psychologists on the planet, which is one of the reasons he appears so often as a guest on The Happiness Lab. And not to drop any spoilers about this upcoming season, but Nick will be joining me for a lot of my upcoming happiness hot takes. Why? Because Nick's entire research program is pretty much one big happiness hot take. He's discovered that we consistently misunderstand how social connection works.

28:13Whether we're giving a compliment or asking for help or expressing our gratitude, or yes, sharing something that seems a little TMI, our minds assume that revealing will feel cringeworthy and awkward. But Nick finds time and again that these assumptions are wrong. When people talk about where their expectations come from, why they think it's going to be awkward, they almost always will talk about vulnerability. I'm exposing something meaningful about myself. They could laugh at me. They could make fun of me. They could think poorly of me, Right? They just tend not to. But how do we start to rewire these mistaken expectations so that we can share more deeply?

28:52Nick says the first step is to remember that our minds tend to focus on the wrong stuff during a disclosure dilemma. When you reveal something meaningful about yourself or even something potentially negative, when you share that with another person, you're thinking a lot about the content, what it is that you shared. We also think a lot about the competence of that content, whether what we've just shared could be perceived badly by another person. If I tell my colleague that I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, are they going to think I'm bad at my job? Or if I tell my friend about a parenting slip-up, are they going to view me as a bad mom?

29:24But this focus on what's being shared means that we often miss the how of sharing, how being open with another person makes that person feel. Just as Leslie John mentioned earlier, it all comes down to the importance of emotional safety. It's warmth, right? And what we really care about when we're interacting with other people is warmth. I want to know, can I trust you or not? Are you going to be a friend to me or not? And when somebody opens up to you and shares something, they're telling you, I trust you. I'm going to be a friend to you. And how do we judge somebody who opens up to us, who seems trustworthy and kind?

30:01Charitably is the answer. Nick has seen this pattern in study after study. In one experiment, Nick asked a group of subjects to write a vulnerable note that expressed how grateful they felt about another person. He found that participants significantly overestimated how much the recipient would judge how well their gratitude note was written, while at the same time significantly underestimating how the note's warmth would make the recipient feel. In another study, Nick's team asked subjects to share three genuine compliments with a friend, Or as they phrased it, positive things you have noticed but have not, for whatever reason, had a chance to compliment your friend on yet.

30:38Participants were told that their friend would read the compliments and fill out a short survey about them. They were then asked to estimate how positively the recipient would react. Nick found that subjects significantly underestimated how happy their friend would be, in part because they worried too much about how competent their compliment sounded, how articulate it came across, and how well-worded it was. So that's the first thing Nick says we need to remember when we're feeling pessimistic about how a disclosure will go. The people we open up to are unlikely to judge us harshly because they're paying attention to our warmth, not our competence.

31:11But Nick says there's a second thing that we need to remember if we're feeling scared to share with another person. We probably haven't given ourselves nearly enough opportunities to learn the benefits of sharing. And that's because disclosure dilemmas tend to trap us in what researchers have called an unkind learning environment. A kind learning environment is one where I have a belief, I go out and I test it, and I find out if I'm wrong, right? So I think I'm going to get an A on this test, I take the test, I find out if I'm right or wrong. An unkind learning environment is one where my beliefs dictate the kind of feedback I get.

31:45So if I believe I'm going to do poorly on a test, I might not take the test. And then I wouldn't actually learn whether my belief was right or wrong. And the problem in social life is we're often in an unkind learning environment where our beliefs do dictate the feedback we get. So if I think talking with you is going to be fun and enjoyable, I'll try it. And I'll find out whether I'm right or not. If I think talking with you is going to be unpleasant, I won't talk with you and I'll never find out I'm wrong. Our brains can only learn from experience when they get the experiences they need to actually learn.

32:17Unfortunately, our poor brains don't get all that much experience with the consequences of TMI because we're often too scared to try it. Because of this, we're not able to update our expectations about oversharing. And that means that whenever a disclosure dilemma comes along, we're stuck with that pessimistic voice in our head. The one that's constantly screaming, OMG, TMI, no! That avoidance voice gets stronger right before you're about to do a thing. That's what chickening out is all about. And the cringe is screaming at you. The cringe is, yeah, yeah, in both ears, right? At a distance, it's just one ear, right?

32:51You got the angel on the one side and the cringe on the other. But when you're about to do the thing, all you got is cringe. That's it. It's up to 11, both ears. But that's the part that often makes us deviate when we shouldn't. And you can quiet that cringe voice with a lot of practice. But Nick admits that even an expert like him still hears that avoidance voice on rare occasions. In fact, I was really touched by a sweet story he shared in his new book about an incident in which his own cringe voice got particularly loud. Tell me about the anniversary present you gave your wife. Oh, my gosh.

33:23So my wife, Jen, and I have been married. This, as we're talking right now, this is our 30th year. At 25, I put together a photo montage. I can't believe you're asking. I wrote I was cringy in the book. I know, but it's worse. We just talked about how cringy is like that. I know, I know, but I know, I know, I know. But you feel it, right? Yeah. And so if you're just listening to me, I'm kind of a big sort of guy. I was a college football player. And, you know, being sensitive is not necessarily something I'm always known for, perhaps. But I put together this photo montage of us together over the last 25 years.

34:01And one of my favorite songs is from Ben Folds titled The Luckiest, which I think is the song that encapsulates best how I feel about my wife. I met her when I was 17 years old. I proposed to her when I was 21. How I came to meet this amazing human being when I was 17 years old is just the most fortunate bit of luck that I could have ever had. so I sung the luckiest to this montage I'm not a great singer it was so cringy to do it because I was focused on how awkward I sounded how terrible I sounded when I played it to Jen look she was in tears and part of my brain knew that like part of my brain knew that she would see the love that I was trying to communicate and express to her in this she would feel that.

34:52But even though Nick is an expert on the power of vulnerability, the other part of his brain was still screaming, TMI, you suck. She's going to hate it. Stop. This is the first time I'd ever sung to my wife. And so the avoidance voice was still really, really strong. And I had to ignore it. I had to push past it. Nick says that pushing past the avoidance voice is easier when you remember what psychologist Leslie John explained earlier, that the most meaningful acts of sharing often feel like oversharing. But decades of research demonstrate that your recipient is not going to judge you nearly as harshly as you assume.

35:28Remembering these findings gave Nick the evidence-based courage he needed to push through his cringe voice and serenade his wife. And in Nick's case, going a little TMI worked out nicely. She loved it because it signified warmth. It wasn't confidence. She didn't expect me to be a great singer. It was signifying warmth. After 25 years, she knew. She kind of knew. She kind of knew. So what can we do to shut off that cringe voice more often? Nick's advice is to collect more of our own data on the benefits of TMI, to create our own kind learning environments, even though the act of doing so may feel painfully awkward in the moment.

36:04The fears you have about how these conversations will go are off, right? How do you calibrate those? You calibrate those with experience, with practice. But trying, running the experiment yourself. And my hope is that if you have practiced enough, you will have another voice too. And that other voice is telling you, no, it'll be okay. You can sing the Ben Fold song to your wife and she will love it. Even though you sound horrible, she will still love it. But wait, you might be thinking. It's one thing to overcome your worries about oversharing when you're singing on your 25th anniversary. But what about embarrassing moments of TMI at work?

36:43Or during a job interview? you, or when you're about to totally humiliate yourself in front of someone who hasn't vowed to love you through sickness and health. When we get back from the break, oversharing expert Leslie John will help us tackle when to choose TMI and these higher stakes disclosure dilemmas, and when it might be worth holding things back. We'll hear her tips for handling the big boss levels of oversharing challenges when The Happiness Lab returns in a moment.

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39:45But are you going to throw in the kitchen towel and order takeout? No way. You've got Land O 'Lakes butter, a skillet, and a plan. Land O 'Lakes, eat it like you own it. If you do start experimenting more with revealing, you're going to cross the line sometimes. Psychologist and oversharing fan Leslie John argues that when facing a disclosure dilemma, it's often wise to err on the side of TMI rather than TLI. But even she admits that we need to strike some sort of balance. So the people that I think are best at navigating disclosure dilemmas, at revealing when they should and keeping mum when they should, are people that are really high in disclosure flexibility, which refers to the ability to navigate deftly from extreme openness to extreme guardedness.

40:36Healthy disclosure flexibility involves tracking more specific features of a disclosure situation when deciding how much to reveal. And one feature Leslie thinks we need to flexibly attend to is how long we've been in a given relationship. I think we're pretty adept at navigating how much to share in early relationships. When we're dating, we know we share a little bit and more. But where we tend to go awry is in long-term relationships, where we've been together so long that we know each other so well. But the problem is our confidence that we know the person outpaces our actual knowledge. And that's where the problem begins because that's when we stop asking, we stop sharing, we assume.

41:15We really do need to keep sharing to keep that closeness alive. Similar problems can also crop up in long-term friendships. Leslie worries about one case in particular in which we tend to go TLI with our friends when we have good news. In fact, Leslie has found that more than 80 % of people report intentionally hiding a success from a good friend. We're often very reticent to share successes with our close friends because we don't want them to feel envious and jealous because we care so much about them. If you don't tell them about the promotion, they'll probably find out anyways from a third party.

41:53And that's really bad for your relationship. Because think about it. When you find out third hand about your friend's success, you think they thought I couldn't take it or maybe we're not as close as I thought we were. But it's a very valid concern. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings. when you have the good fortune. And so what can you do? How can you say it better to your friend? Well, first of all, timing is important. You want to catch them when they're not in a rut, right? And when you do find the right moment, Leslie says you need to avoid the tendency to humble brag or to downplay your achievements.

42:25We often think we need to kind of take the edge off of a brag by making a faux self-deprecating comment or a faux display of humility, foe being the operative word here, people see right through it. We think that that's the best way to share our successes when we do work up the gumption, but we should actually just come out and say them. And the way you can say it in a kind way is to say, I worked really, really hard for this promotion and I feel really proud of it. And I'm so grateful that you were cheering me along the whole way. I couldn't do it without you, right? That's a way of sharing. And then we'll find that once you do this, that also enhances your relationship.

43:07So that's how to disclose more effectively in friendships. But what about disclosure flexibility on the job? Well, Leslie has discovered that effective workplace disclosures require paying close attention to the status of your recipient. Let's say you're thinking about revealing something vulnerable to someone who's at the same level as you, say a teammate or your work bestie. In those instances, Leslie's advice is definitely to err on the side of TMI. But what about cases in which you're in a higher status role than your recipient? When you're, say, the boss or in some position of authority? Surprisingly, the science suggests this is also a good time to err on the side of revealing.

43:43One study found that when leaders are honest about their own gaps in knowledge or skills, their teams grow to trust them more. Leaders who reveal more are also more likely to receive open feedback from their subordinates. So yes, even in high-status situations, it's still good to get a bit vulnerable. Okay, but what about when you're not in a high-status situation? There, of course, we need to be more careful. Because our negative disclosures can be much more easily used against us. They can be misconstrued. One thing that I like to think about is the difference between transparency and vulnerability.

44:17Transparency is cognitive openness. So sharing the way your mind works, the way your thoughts work, how you think through things, that's a form of sharing that's pretty low risk in the workplace and high reward. The part where you get into the dangerous territory is vulnerability, which is sharing maybe negative thoughts, feelings, which we need to be much more careful about at work. There's still a place for it, but if you think about what would be a nice rule of thumb, cognitive openness, transparency is we should do more of that. Can you give me an example of the cognitive openness? Because I love the idea, but I think it's hard to see.

44:54Yeah. So imagine you're in a job interview. So you're the candidate. You're in a low status situation. And they ask you, what's your greatest weakness? What you can say is actually a real weakness, but in a careful way. Imagine your weakness is, like most of us, I don't like being put on the spot in meetings. what you can say is, you know, the way my mind works is I like to have a few moments to think through the key points I'm going to say. That's just the way my brain works. So if you give me even two minutes to prep for a meeting, I'll be way better. I mean, that's such a baller response because it's a true weakness, but the fact that you are on top of it shows that you're self-aware.

45:37This strategy of cognitive openness, of revealing part of your thought process rather than the negative thought itself also works to deflect the negative consequences of a kind of oversharing that many of us worry about on the job, showing too much emotion. Let's take what is perhaps the most extreme version of an emotional overshare at work, suddenly bursting into tears. Crying is tricky. If you feel you are going to cry, you can say, look, I feel really passionate about this. I care so much about this that that's why I'm getting a bit upset about this because I care so much. And so when you comment on the feeling and why you're having it and attribute it to caring about the work, to passion, that makes it less likely that you will be perceived negatively for crying.

46:27Now, it's really tricky, especially when you're in a low status situation. So it's best not to cry in those settings. But if you say, this is why I'm crying, it can actually make you seem credible and therefore more competent because you're aware, right? And also the person who is willing to say the thing is by definition confident. And so it really can be disarming in that way. In all these cases, the research shows that we usually do better when we reveal something about what's going on inside us. Has all this work made you become more okay with TMI? A hundred percent, a thousand percent. You know, as I was writing the book, it really was such a meta experience because how can you write a book about revealing and not reveal about yourself?

47:13And so I was constantly, as I was writing it, thinking, is this too much? Hopefully I got it mostly right. But if I didn't, that's also part of the point. We think that silence is the safe thing, that it's neutral, but it's not. And once I made that reframe that silence is not neutral and this is always a choice, it's made me reveal more. And I've benefited, I think, hugely. So that's our first happiness hot take of the season. Oversharing ain't so bad. And we should be doing it way more often. TMI shared with real people in real life tends to build trust and connection, especially when it's done with a bit of care and disclosure flexibility.

47:51So the next time you're facing an in-real-life disclosure dilemma, remember that your inner cringe voice is lying to you. And what feels like oversharing is often just sharing. next time on the happiness lab i'll be continuing our happiness hot take season with a hot take that even i have gotten wrong in the past we'll turn to the college student mental health crisis and learn about new data that shows that the kids today might be all right or at least as all right as the kids have ever been it was really disorienting for us as researchers to be so wrong about our hypothesis that's all next week on the happiness lab with me dr lauri Santos.

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