BEST BITS: The Missed Call

9:39Keyzie:Massive, the 30. The big 3-0, Keezy. Yeah. It's a biggie. It's probably... Your cradle snatcher, aren't you? Yeah, I reckon.

9:46Mike Minogue:Well, I am 31, so...

9:49Keyzie:Yeah, no, I'd say that's the biggest, the 30th, actually.

9:52Mike Minogue:Oh, yeah. Well, it's not the big... I thought 50th would have been the real... Oh, no, no, no, no. Or 25th.

9:57Keyzie:30th. By the 50th you don't care anymore. 30th you've got to celebrate because that's the beginning of the end. Yes. It's all over at that point. I mean you're probably in a good place in your 30th. Yeah really good. You've got to you know take advantage while you can. I remember my wife we went to Portugal and then I think we went from there to Italy. Had a couple of nights in Paris and

10:23Mike Minogue:That would have cost a lot.

10:24Keyzie:Then stayed in a resort in Fiji on the way home for a couple of days there. Well, that's not a similar way home either. Similar man. I mean, I did, what did we do? I sort of, we'd had some land that had been, I'd had some land that was handed down from my great-great-grandfather. Been in the family for a bit there and I got my mitts on that bastard and built her a log cabin. Oh, wow. Just with my hands there up in the Tararoa Ranges there. Oh, beautiful. Didn't use any nails, man. and sort of studied this Japanese technique of building there where everything is just perfectly slotted in, completely air and water tight.

11:00Took a hell of a lot of effort, but nothing is too much for your woman on her 30th birthday. Totally, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:07Keyzie:I mean, I'll be honest with you, I'm still paying for that 30th trip as we speak, mate. You know what I mean? It just really... But anyway, what are you thinking, Keezy?

11:15Mike Minogue:Well, I got her a candle.

11:20Made out of... It's coconut and elderflower. I'm not really down with the old candles, but that sounds like some real cheap tat. No, no, no, it's a good one. It sounds like something you get from the warehouse.

11:35Mike Minogue:No, no, no, I'm not going to the warehouse. It's like 50, 60 buck. New Zealand dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got it on special when my mate gave me a promo code. That's true. To be honest, I'm not 100 % sure what flavor I should get here.

11:50Keyzie:Flavor? You're going to eat it, Tina. Yeah, you light them, Keezy. You smell them, I suppose. What? You probably don't, even though you've got a massive honker. Text us, 3483, if you've got any ideas for what flavour Keezy should buy his wife's candle.

12:05Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Keezy. Now, fellas, I don't know if you know this about me,

12:15Keyzie:but I'm not one of those guys that cares too much about my physical appearance.

12:20Mike Minogue:Yeah. You spend a lot of time at the gym.

12:23Keyzie:I've started doing that, Mogi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But to be fair, I'm also very good at switching off from that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. For long periods of time. Yes. It's only been the last few days, actually, that I've gone back to the gym after a big hiatus. What's your most you've ever bench pressed, though? Oh, the most. And, mate, I can't get anywhere near it at the moment. 240 pounds.

12:47Mike Minogue:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

12:48Keyzie:KGs. Oh. Yeah, so, but the reason I bring that up is because, you know, as I say, I'm not too fussed about how I look these days. I'm an old ram put out to pasture. You know what I mean? Put out to the back paddock. And, you know, and all that matters to me, Moggy and Keezy, is that my wife loves me.

13:10Mike Minogue:Oh, okay.

13:10Keyzie:And she assures me she does.

13:13Mike Minogue:She assures you? Does she have to assure you regularly, does she?

13:15Keyzie:Yeah, because I say, do you really, though? Do you really? And then why? But why would you? And she never really gives me a definitive answer. But one of the things I've noticed that is beginning to creep into our socials at the moment is there's a lot of hoity J moob chat. There is. And I'm thinking to myself, it's an area of vulnerability for me.

13:37Mike Minogue:Yeah.

13:37Keyzie:You know what I mean? It's like people talking about my moobs. It's the reason I went to the gym. Oh. It was because of my moobs. Yeah.

13:44Mike Minogue:But I think you need to do that thing where you turn what you might think is a weakness actually into his strength.

13:49Keyzie:Well, that's sort of my theory, but I'm also finding, and you'll understand this, Mogi, being a real gym bunny, it's a very hard area to get tight. You know what I mean? Yeah. And when you're a small, framed fella like me, having big moves is just not a good look. Sure. And I want to be a T-shirt wearer. So I've had this idea, and I want your thoughts on it. I'm thinking of wearing a corset. Yeah. So you want to accentuate your bosom. Well, yeah, it's either I just work out on it or I acknowledge that I've got boobs and I celebrate them. Well, yeah, because a corset, of course, tightens the middle.

14:29Keyzie:Yes, and it'll push them up. Right.

14:31Mike Minogue:So that's like the thing where they lace up the back of it and squeeze the waist in. And it really gives you a waist more than your buzzies.

14:38Keyzie:I think you can also get ones that you go across your chest as well. A corset across your chest. Yeah, well, like a chest suppressor. But I'm thinking, what if I actually make a thing out of my moobs? What if I make them one of my centerpieces?

14:51Mike Minogue:Well, why don't you start, like, when a woman with larger breasts has to go for a run. Come on, man. Guys, just listen. When a lady with larger breasts has to go for a run or go to the gym, you wear sports bras, right? Why don't you just get a sports bra that really just, like, holds it down, you know, and start wearing those?

15:10Keyzie:Well, because I don't want to be someone that's trying to hide something. And here's my thought, and I wonder what you think if we were to start posting this on Instagram. I get a corset, right? I lift my moobs. I start wearing shirts with the button undone, and there's a bit of hoity J cleavage action going on. Oh, yeah, that's cool. I mean, I feel like that's going to be an Instagram winner.

15:30Mike Minogue:Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because you could turn into one of those Instagram pages that gets heaps of likes because you've got a bit of cleavage showing.

15:35Keyzie:Yeah, and I can do those accidental side moob shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, with my cleavage there. Or you said that you wanted to wear T-shirts so you could just cut out the holes for your moves and just flop out your burnt meat patties. Yeah, do that, Jase.

15:50Mike Minogue:That's the one there, I think. The Horaki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Horaki.

15:59Keyzie:You guys will be aware of the fact that old Hoody J is going to be going overseas very shortly.

16:05Mike Minogue:Well, we're aware of it. The listeners might not, but you're going to Vietnam in a couple of weeks.

16:08Keyzie:I'm going to Vietnam with all my girls, fellas. with all my girls who all live overseas now, so it's going to be a real family reunion. Do you reckon you'll have flashbacks? Because, of course, you spent a bit of time in Naam in the 70s. I am worried about that. I am worried about that. But, you know, I think I'll be okay. You know what I mean? It's risky. Because if you have a full mental break... Yeah, that's true. That's true.

16:36Mike Minogue:If that's the case, wouldn't it be smart to go somewhere else then?

16:41Keyzie:Well, as long as I don't go back to that paddy field that I was in at that time, I should be fine.

16:45Mike Minogue:Yes, you were stationed in one paddy field.

16:46Keyzie:Yes.

16:48Mike Minogue:Well, you had to protect it.

16:50Keyzie:Yes, we did. Right. That was from the sparrows, eh, because they were always eating all the rice. Rice, yeah.

16:59Mike Minogue:So you weren't in the army, you were farming. No, he was hired as a scarecrow. Oh, right. Yeah. He ran a scarecrow business. I tell you what. Self-employed for about a decade, wasn't it?

17:08Keyzie:About a decade, yeah. bloody itchy work, that. Right. Hot. Very hot. Humid. I remember at the end of the day of being a scarecrow, how stiff I was.

17:19Mike Minogue:So you were actually a scarecrow. Wouldn't you just put a couple of bits of wood and some clothes on it?

17:23Keyzie:It's more effective if you do it yourself. The more realistic the scarecrow, the better the protection.

17:29Mike Minogue:Right, so you ran a scarecrow company where you were one scarecrow and you just, what, you stood in a field with your arms out? Yes.

17:36Keyzie:That was part of the torture. The other downside of it, actually, of course, at the end of the day you'd be covered in bird shit as well. Covered in bird shit, that's right. A lot of bugs as well. But eventually what you worked on, this is why Jase is so smart, Kesey, was because when Jase wanted to sort of bugger off and have a bit of a nap or something, he would get a stick and put the hat on the stick and then just get another stick and put his coat on it. Yeah. And then he'd go off and he'd have a little bit of a sleep underneath the hay bale over there. Right. Yeah. And so that was, hang on a minute, why am I doing this 24-7?

18:10and I could be outsourcing this to pieces of wood and shirts. I tell you what, it changed my life, that revelation. Yeah.

18:17Mike Minogue:Right, okay. But the problem was you can't monetise that, Jase, can you? No. Because everybody sees that you're doing it, and they think, well, I don't need to pay Jase to do it. Right. I can just get a couple of pieces of wood myself and a shirt and a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's why the scarecrow business stopped, because you were doing it for how long? Oh, about 10 years. Wow. It took 10 years to figure out two pieces of stick.

18:38Keyzie:Yeah. Yeah, and yeah, like Muggies, talk about shooting myself in the foot. Yeah. Yeah, right. So you kind of wish you hadn't invented it. I actually did shoot myself in the foot at one point, but that wasn't related to the scarecrows. Have I ever shown you that scarf, Yellos? Oh, that's an interesting story, Jase.

18:58Keyzie:Yes, and can I just say it was the one I fully intended on telling.

19:05Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hodaki.