BEST OF '25: Pressure To Perform

9:02Mike Minogue:So you were actually a scarecrow. Wouldn't you just put a couple of bits of wood and some clothes on it?

9:06Keyzie:It's more effective if you do it yourself. The more realistic the scarecrow, the better the protection.

9:12Mike Minogue:Right, so you ran a scarecrow company where you were one scarecrow and you just, what, you stood in a field with your arms out? Yes.

9:19Keyzie:That was part of the torture. The other downside of it, actually, of course, at the end of the day, you'd be covered in bird shit as well. Covered in bird shit, that's right, a lot of bugs as well, but eventually what you worked in, this is why Jase is so smart, Kesey, was because when Jase wanted to sort of bugger off and have a bit of a nap or something, he would get a stick and put the hat on the stick and then just get another stick and put his coat on it and then he'd go off and have a little bit of a sleep underneath the hay bale over there. Right. Yeah, and so that was, hang on a minute, why am I doing this 24-7?

9:53I could be outsourcing this to pieces of wood and shirts. I tell you what, it changed my life, that revelation. Yeah.

10:00Mike Minogue:Right, okay. But the problem was you can't monetise that, Jase, can you? No. Because everybody sees that you're doing it, they think, well, I don't need to pay Jase to do it. Right. I can just get a couple of pieces of wood myself and a shirt and a hat. Yeah, right. So that's why the scarecrow business, because you were doing it for how long? Oh, about 10 years. Wow. It took 10 years to figure out two pieces of stick.

10:20Keyzie:Yeah. And, yeah, like Muggy, talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Yeah. Yeah, right. So you kind of wish you hadn't invented it. I actually did shoot myself in the foot at one point, but that wasn't related to the scarecrows. Have we ever shown you that scarf, Yellos?

10:36Keyzie:Oh, that's an interesting story, Jase.

10:41Keyzie:Yes, and can I just say it was the one I fully intended on telling.

10:46Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

10:51Keyzie:Now, fellas, we've all been talking about our weekends. It was a monumental weekend for old Hoardy J. Can I use a word to discuss my weekend? Momentum. Now, you know that my wife and I are thinking of moving out. Yeah. In fact... You've had a good run, man. Can I say that? Yeah, we've had a really good run. A really good run. And I said to my wife about a week and a half ago, I said, darling, my love, my joy, my backbone, we've got to stick with this. We've got to keep pushing through because, you know, her and I, we have a tendency to just fall away. Right, you both do. We both do. Yeah, right.

11:31Keyzie:We both do. So I said, no, no, no. No, we have to keep going. And so we had a very good weekend around the house, tidying it all up, bloody clearing out all the bush and shrubbery, discovered the old pet cemetery there, which we'd forgotten, two dead cats, two dead dogs. There was about six guinea pigs, a pig, skeletons everywhere. But the concern that I have is that the place is beginning to look so good that it's like love it or list it. You know what I mean? It's like it's looking so good and we're doing all these things that are making the property look amazing and we're going, oh, my God.

12:16Keyzie:We're going to be in a situation where it's looking so good that we don't want to move out of it. You know what I mean? Which is interesting because for the 25 years that we've lived there, you know what I mean? You don't worry about it because you're not thinking of selling or renting or doing any of that stuff. As soon as you do that and you make all this effort, the place looks amazing. Yeah, well, you've let it go to ruin over the course of 25 years. And the problem, of course, is if you decide to say it, it's just going to go back to that because you're two are shocking bastards. Yeah, well, this is my concern is if we don't move out of it, it will go back to it.

12:51Keyzie:But here is a very monumental moment. It was my wife that did it. It was my wife that did it. Now, in our little corridor as you're going through the front door, you guys will see or you won't see it anymore, but when you come over for the Barbie before we move out, we have this mosaic, and it's about probably 50 or 60 family photos. Oh, yeah. And the little frames, you know, just all over this wall. People always comment on how awesome it is when they walk in, and there's just the Hoity J family history there, basically. And then on Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in the lounge here with my hand down my trackies just readjusting myself, and I heard this doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog, doog.

13:36Keyzie:And I was like, what the f*** is that? Too late, Keezy. Sorry. And I go out into the corridor, and my wife is removing all of the family photos from the wall. I can't tell you how significant that is. we're committed now Australia here we come

13:57Mike Minogue:oh Ozzy you reckon yeah yeah you were saying she was just removing the ones of you

14:04Keyzie:well initially and then she said ah that's better initially yeah yeah but then she removed them all so ah yeah yeah I know you guys will be really excited for me it's bloody good man it's an exciting adventure ahead of you man it is an exciting adventure you know Because we have been there for over 20 years. I'm fizzing about it. You know what I mean? But I am concerned that the place is going to look so good that we're not going to move out.

14:31Mike Minogue:Like when you say amazing.

14:32Keyzie:I mean, like you guys, you'd be inviting me over for a dinner party because you'd see my house and go, I want to get to that place. You know what I mean, Keezy? So I want to get to that place. In terms of, in actual fact, I know that you're kind of looking for a place at the moment. I think once we're done, we'll let you and your wife come over and have first dibs. On your house? On my house. Can you imagine how cool that would be, Keezy? If you moved into Hoity J's house. Yeah. The foundations are made out of cigarette butts.

15:08Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Fellas, you know my wife. Yes. You don't know her super well, but you know who she is. Well, I'd recognise her on the street. Yeah, absolutely. I know her pretty well. I wouldn't say hello, but I'd know it was her. You wouldn't? She'd probably say hello to you. Yeah. So she has recently discovered a passion. Awesome. Yeah, which is great, right? Yeah. You want to be in support. Anything your partner's into, if they're passionate about it, you want to fizz them up for it. Get in behind them. Say what? Excuse me?

15:49Mike Minogue:However, the thing that she is fizzed up about is just a bit random, as far as I'm concerned. Sure. I'm open-minded. So she's, you know, she's 30, you know, good looking. She's trendy. She's pretty cool. Her new passion is plane spotting. Plane spotting. So, like, if I... Oh, look, there's a plane. Look, there's a plane. I wonder where that's going. Oh, wow, that's an A320. That's probably coming from Sydney. Oh, we'll double check. Oh, no, not Sydney. It's from Melbourne. Oh, wow. Loser check. Wow, that's how some might phrase it personally.

16:23Keyzie:That's how you phrase it in the break. Hang on. Can I just say, you know, big ups to your wife. I reckon. Okay, L-E-G, big ups to your wife. Because you're a bit of a sort of mechanical dweeb. You love your bikes and your truckies and stuff. I do, I love mechanical stuff. And maybe she's just trying to connect with you, Keyeshead. Oh, look at that. something mechanical like a plane. She's not. That's a DXC 2580.

16:52Mike Minogue:First of all, you're thinking of a DC which was probably flying around a lot while you were a boy. This is how far it's gone. The other day she got steamed responsibly. The next morning she woke up to a Facebook notification that said, congratulations you've been accepted into the group Canterbury Plane Spotters. And she doesn't remember asking to join. Plane spotters Guess how many members are on that group If you had to guess 3 ,000 33 ,000 I think there's something about that plane spotters group I think it's actually for swingers That's what I've heard I'm a member Same I mean Just

17:37Keyzie:Just in terms of Weird hobbies My wife has one too, Keezy. Oh, what's that? My wife? And this is a true story. Now, she had a very good friend who coincidentally was also our midwife. Oh, yes. Midwife? She was a real op shop lady. She loves her op shop. Great band. She's like broken there. But she's filled her house up, and it's a significantly large house with so much shit that she started buying stuff for our house because we were great good friends with her. Wow. And her thing was she loved duck plates. So like ornamental plates with ducks on them. And she started buying those for us. We were like, oh, thanks, man.

18:26Keyzie:And we will hang that up. And we did start hanging them up. And then my wife randomly started going, oh, look, I found this duck plate. and I was like, is that what we're doing now? So she infected my wife with an absurd duck plate hobby.

18:46Mike Minogue:And you've got a duck that lives in your lounge. How did your duck feel about that? Right at home, obviously. There's ducks everywhere. Yeah, flattered. I've heard about duck plates. Apparently that's just another term for swinging. Possibly. Mogi, does your wife have any weird hobbies, man? Just swinging. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hauraki

19:13Keyzie:Sound speed Lights Camera Action Now it's time for the Big Show Improv I mean we could do the one with your wife in the blindfold Jace Oh that's true That would have been excellent Damn it

19:29Mike Minogue:You just need to simmer down around that situation alright And the person's suggesting that Keezy's wife has overcooked his eggs for his egg sandwich which Keezy is furious, then she calls Jase for relationship advice. That's just not... That's a little too close to the bone, actually. No, it's not. It's the opposite.

19:42Keyzie:Now, listen up. Okay, so how about this is the scenario? Mogey, you're a border security guard. Sure. You're the dude that stands... You know how they have the magnetic sort of... What do they call them where you have to walk through? Yeah. Yeah, you're that guy. Okay. Like metal detector thing. Keezy, you're a weary traveller. Actually, I think I'll be the guy that's detoured your suitcase. Yes. Detourage your suitcase. Yes. Now, Keezy, you've come through the detector. You put all your stuff on the trays there. You've gone through. You managed to get through there, but you're also clutching your stomach in a fair amount of pain as you approach Mogey there.

20:22Keyzie:Right. Okay, sorry.

20:22Mike Minogue:So, Mogey, my suitcase is going along the conveyor, and it's then been lifted up and taken over to the inspection side. It's been diverted. So you know how it gets diverted around the seat. Okay.

20:31Keyzie:All right. And I've got a sore stomach. Yeah, you're getting really bad cramps in your stomach. All right, fine. And action. Good afternoon, sir. Is this your bag?

20:42Mike Minogue:Yeah, it is, man. How are you today, by the way? It's great. I'm just going to go through it. Is that right? Do I have your permission to go through the bag? No worries, man. What was your name? Okay, that's great. What was your name? Sorry, man. Zip.

20:53Keyzie:My name's Keezy. What was your name? Didn't quite catch that. At this point, Keezy is bent over with a sudden stabbing pain in his stomach. What was your name? Sorry. So I'm just going to take all the stuff out of your bag, sir. You're okay with it? I'm just going to search this? Yeah, yeah, it's fine, man.

21:08Mike Minogue:There's nothing in there. Okay, and were you the one that packed your bag? Oh, yeah, that was me. Okay. Nothing. Yeah, go through, man. All right. Something embarrassing. Okay, then, sweet. We'll go through here, there. What you've got there? Oh. You've got some kind of a sleeping mask? Oh, it's my blindfold. Yeah, the missus insists on using it. It's a long story, man. there's quite a lot of dillies in here are they all yours? yeah long story I work for this company called Mike and Jason's Dillies and they wanted me to bring some stuff yeah it's just it's not illegal though is it alright so well I've seen enough I think we're going to have to take you into the separate area for a strip search based on what?

21:53Mike Minogue:oh my god my tummy I think it's the sweat that you've got on your brow and on your face, and you seem to be in some kind of pain. Yeah, I had a ramen. That's why you've got some kind of bowel issues there. Yeah, I had a ramen from Ponce and B. Hang on a minute. Are you on that radio show? You're Keezy. I can't tell you the bag. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you. Sorry, mate. I didn't recognise you. I should have by your massive honker. Hang about.

22:23Keyzie:At this point, Keezy loses all control of his bowels.

22:31Oh, what have you done?

22:32Mike Minogue:Oh, sorry, man. I've just... Classic Keezy midnight steamer in his pants, eh? And what have you got in there? There's little packets of... What's that? Little packets of... What is that, Keezy? Huh? Keezy, you mad dog, brother. Sorry, I've just cracked myself in the middle of an airport. What's that stuff? Don't worry about this. What's those little packs in there? Nah, don't worry about this. That looks like cocaine, is it? Nah, sorry. All right. Hey, mum's the word, all right? Really? You just pick those up and pick up that massive pile of feces and be on your way, all right? And scene. The Hauraki Beat Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy.

23:06Mike Minogue:Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

23:08Keyzie:Speaking of the long weekend, my wife and I were planning to go away to our favourite place. Unfortunately, it wasn't available to us, and so I thought, yes. Did you double book again? Yeah, double booked.

23:18Mike Minogue:Well, I feel like we should clarify for the listeners, your favourite place is actually owned by someone else, and it's a batch. Yes. And the people that own it have decided to go there.

23:26Keyzie:Yeah. Unbelievable. I mean, what's that about, man? Yeah. Have some, you know, decency. Share it around a bit. Kia kaha, man. Yeah, thanks, man. Thanks, Mogi. You don't pay either, right? Yeah, I don't pay anything. Yeah. But anyway. Yeah. Talk about selfish. I know. So I said to my wife, well, you know, darling, I mean, we don't have to go away. We could maybe book a hotel, darling. What, in Auckland? In Auckland. You said motor in. Well, initially a motor in and the look on her face made me go, I mean like a quality five-star hotel. What do you call it? It's easy, a staycation.

24:03Mike Minogue:A staycation, yeah, where you just, you know, the town you're from, you just spend the night in the city, go out for dinner, and then stay the night in a nice hotel. Yeah. Or motor in.

24:12Keyzie:Yes. What we tend to do is we go out for a nice dinner. We go to the movies at the Academy, the old cinema there. but I've kind of built it up a little bit too much, fellas, and I feel like I'm now under pressure to perform, if you know what I mean. Oh. What do you mean? Well, it's just that, I mean. Haven't you been married for 28 years? Oh, we have been, but when you do something different, you immediately put the pressure on yourself, you know what I mean? Because there's expectation there. Yes. There's expectation, you know what I'm saying? I would say that that's the thing. You're going away for, as you called it off here, a filthy weekend.

24:50You said you're taking your suitcase full of aforementioned. And so there is going to be a certain amount of expectation there, Hoere Jay. Sure. Are you taking your portable sex swing?

25:03Keyzie:No, because we actually ended up, when we used that last time, the last place we stayed at was a$500 charge because it fell out of the roof. Oh. It fell out of the roof. It came loose from the roof and pulled some of the ceiling down. How did you attach it?

25:16Mike Minogue:Did you just put like a thing straight into the roof? Just a bit of Velcro. Oh, okay. Or a command hook. Yeah.

25:24Keyzie:So, yeah, that wasn't good. But you know what I mean? It's like you're trying to do something nice and special for your partner and then it's like, but also, you know, you've got to make sure that you do the, how do I phrase this? The business. The business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The filth, the sin.

25:41Mike Minogue:So, I mean, Jase, you have banged on to me about how you're like quite the lovemaker and blah, blah. Surely this is right up your alley. Surely this is you. You're on the stage now. It's Hoardy J's time to shine once again.

25:55Keyzie:Well, then you get into the thing of what should I bring? Should I bring the gimp mask? Should I leave that? Bring all of it. You reckon? I think the less she sees of you, the better. It's only one night. I don't want to bring all my stuff. No, no, no. I mean, because I've got a lot of characters that I can play. Do you know, one of the things that you... Sorry, you go, Keith.

26:12Mike Minogue:I was just going to say, we should just pick one of your characters, right? So, for example, I know you've got, isn't one of them like a police officer? Well, my favourite one, Hoity Jane, I thought this one was genius, was he's got a sex character called the pig farmer. Oh, that's right. The pig, the swine herd, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So he's the pig farmer and his wife gets lost out in the countryside and she stops in to ask for directions. Oh, right. Right. What's the voice for the pig farmer, Jase?

26:45Jase? How are you doing there, lass?

26:50Keyzie:I don't know what that was. What was that? You see, this is what I mean. I've got pressure on me. I think we should come back to this chat, Jase. No, I don't think we should. We need to nail it down, man.

26:59Mike Minogue:That's so hot, man. That voice, the pig farmer, it's really great. She's going to love it.

27:04Keyzie:It's one of my harder characters, though, you know what I mean?

27:08Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. It's a lovely time of year, isn't it, fellas? And the romance is flowing through thick and fast. G'day, fellas. Jordan here. Can I get a Valentine's Day shout-out to my wife, Brooke, for putting up with me in my ADHD madness for 14 years, going strong, lads? Might even make it to bed tonight rather than the couch. Oh, kick it. Yeah, it's so good, man. Shout-out to my Valentine, Dino, working over in West Australia in the mines. Oh, what a backbone. It is backbone. FIFO. What? Fly in, fly out. It's hot. I thought you were just mentioning football.

27:48Mike Minogue:G'day, fellas. No, that's FIFA. That's. G'day, fellas. I broke up with her today. Cheers. Ha, good. Good.

28:00Keyzie:I mean, she'll always remember.

28:01Mike Minogue:Yeah.

28:02Keyzie:You know what I mean?

28:03Mike Minogue:At least you'll remember the date. Exactly.

28:06Keyzie:You know what I mean? Where he broke my heart. Yeah.

28:09Mike Minogue:G'day, fellas. I haven't done anything for Valentine's Day. is it's actually my cat's birthday. I got him some beef schnitzel.

28:20Mike Minogue:That's from Colin. Colin, you old romantic son of a bee. Don't you hate it when important dates cross over with other ones? I mean, yeah. It's one of the biggest days on the calendar, the old cat's birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Schnitz.

28:35Keyzie:Beef schnitzel. How good. I bet he really finely diced it too. so it wasn't too hard for the cat to chew on. Because you'll find a cat will choke on a beef schnitz. It will. It will.

28:47Mike Minogue:Found that out the hard way. Choke.

28:53Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

28:59Keyzie:I was talking in the previous break about how I was watching an old episode of Wonder Woman today at home. And it reminded me of the fact that I used to watch Wonder Woman and noticed a sort of change in my body. And this was when I was a sort of youngish teenager, 10, 11, 12. Right. You know a teenager is any number that ends with teen, like 13, 14, 15. Yeah, yeah. But I remember being about 11 and just getting these. And it was kind of my sexual awakening.

29:26Mike Minogue:So it came out in 1976. So that means you must have been born in the mid-60s, which would make you about 60 now.

29:32Keyzie:No, but I mean, it can play later down the years, Casey. Not back then. And also credit where credit's due here. Her name is Linda Carter. Linda Carter, yes. Very much so.

29:41Mike Minogue:So we're talking sexual awakenings. Or sicko chat.

29:46Keyzie:Or sicko chat. Well, I did mention the fact that, you know, in the chat today, Pugsun had about 10 or 11 of the bastards.

29:54Mike Minogue:Oh, yeah, but that's just another day at the office for old Pugsun. Someone here, Megan Fox. Yeah. In the first Transformers movie. For guys my age, it certainly was up there. Susie Cato. Another one on 343. Yes, sure. Yes. Oprah. Winfrey. Yeah. Oh. Aunt Becky from Full House. Oh, really? Okay.

30:21Keyzie:Well, no, no. There's no judgment here. At that young age, yeah. No judging, that's for sure. I do want to just point out that somebody's texted in here with George of the Jungle. Brendan Fraser. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a picture. Anyway, I do want some from the ladies. Yes, I was just about to say, this is not just from a male perspective. I'm interested in the female perspective on this too. Brad Pitt. Obviously. Obviously, yeah.

30:41Mike Minogue:I mean, even I go there. Both Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble.

30:49Mike Minogue:It's hot, man.

30:50Keyzie:There was one that you mentioned, Keezy. My mum says that tattoo from Fantasy Island was her sexual awakening. Remember him, Mogi? I do. The plan! The plan! You can't take people's accents off like that. That's racist. Racism alert. Racism alert. Another one here, the woman from Weird Science. That was Kelly LeBrock.

31:14Mike Minogue:Kelly LeBrock. Kelly LeBrock, that film came out in 1986. Big shout out to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Catherine Zeta-Jones was pretty hot back in the day. Currently, obviously, but I remember her from The Mask of Zorro. The Legend of Zorro, sorry. Yeah. And my one, which I just mentioned half of, The Mask, early 90s with Jim Carrey. How hot was he? He was so hot. I totally get why you say that. Well, that's all. You know, a sense of humour can be very attractive, Keezy, and that was fully on display there. Did you like him so much in Ace Ventura? Yeah. Especially the second one when nature calls. So hot.

31:56Mike Minogue:Also, Cameron Diaz. I'll chuck that in there. From the mask, sure. Yeah, from the mask. That was one of the all-time biggest debuts from an actress, I'd say. Yeah, well, they... It skyrocketed straight to stardom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mate's mum. That's from a text. That's not me. Just fellas. Gem of the Holograms. Do you remember Gem and the Holograms, Jase? No, I don't.

32:24Keyzie:No, I don't. Sorry. Hot Lips, Houlihan. Oh, yeah. Totally. Definitely. Definitely. Radar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Selma Hayek off Desperado. Text has just come through there. Oh, wow. I don't get that. You don't like that?

32:41Mike Minogue:No, I'm sure I do. Well, I'll tell you what. She's no Jim Carrey. Oh, yeah. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.