COLD CUTS: A Real Keyzie Special

0:00Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keyzie. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

0:06Keyzie:Yes indeed, the red hot chilli peppers here on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Monday afternoon. The time is 20 minutes to five o 'clock.

0:17Mike Minogue:Certainly is fellas. On Saturday there, I participated in the World Series of Kiwi Pong. You did? Very exciting. A whole heap of teams, everyone, you know, in pairs with cool team names, costumes and things. I was paired up with Mania from The Breakfast Show. We won three out of our five games. Not quite enough to go through to the next round. But the fellers that actually won a spot from our show last week, they won the last spot. They were called Double D Cups. They got right through to the final and almost won the$10 ,000. Tragedy. Yeah, it was great.

0:50Keyzie:Is it worse than just be second? You know, it was$10 ,006, the prize money. I'd rather not make it out of the group than be second.

0:58Mike Minogue:Well, no, because they literally, until three days before the competition, they had other plans for the weekend. Three days later, they're competing for$10 ,000 at the World Series of Kiwi Pong. They were stoked regardless. I was stoked. The guys that did win had been there quite a few years in a row. But that would be like, I take your point, Jase, you know, you're so close to winning$10 ,000. That would be like playing breakfast in golf and losing by one stroke. Don't. And then saying, oh, no, it's still a good time because at least we get to do their show on the last day of the year. Yeah. Yeah.

1:29But listen, so you won three out of five.

1:33Mike Minogue:We won three out of five. We started to get a bit of a roll on there. We entered the Goldilocks zone, which is what Mania calls it. Oh, yeah, when you're perfectly boozed. When you're perfectly, you have responsibly had enough drinks that you're awesome. You chill. But then we quickly exited the Goldilocks zone, went through to the Rapunzel zone. So that was where we went wrong. But I was stitched up because after being knocked out early, there was probably an hour and a half of the semifinals and stuff happening. where Minara and myself continued to responsibly have a few quiet ones. Yes. And then we got up on stage where the ACC was then commentating the final, the final matchup on a live stream, and I had been completely skiving off from MC duties all day.

2:12Mike Minogue:Right. I was supposed to be one of the MCs. I didn't speak on the microphone at all, and I was real stoked about it. Until we were on stage, big crowd around, and G-Lane handed me the microphone and then goes, we usually sing the national anthem. And I was like, are you going to play it? Or he's like, no, no, I usually just sing it. and so I, you know, five seconds notice and I'm like, okay, start singing the national anthem. Afterwards, everyone accused me of committing some sort of hate crime because I did the English one first. You didn't do the Maldi version. Oh, yeah, no. When was the last time?

2:41Mike Minogue:The last time I sung a national anthem would have been when I was at school. Right. I completely forgot which way around it went. Right. Five seconds noticed, a few too many beers. So you finished with the Maldi version. Yeah. All right, yeah, cool. This was fine and then everyone was just like, and then it didn't help that Isaac who works here too was just like, oh, man, that was so bad, bro. you might have to do an apology and stuff. As a bit of a stitch up.

3:01Keyzie:You were lucky the siren wasn't there. You know, the racism. Well, we've had that disconnected, Jase.

3:07Mike Minogue:Oh, thank God for that.

3:08Keyzie:That's good to know, actually.

3:09Mike Minogue:But such a stitch up. And to be honest, even when the national anthem's on TV for the All Blacks or whatever, I'm not watching it. It's boring. I've heard the song a million times.

3:16Keyzie:It is quite tedious, to be fair. I mean, I know all the words and stuff.

3:20Mike Minogue:But that's weird, though, because until you're on stage with a microphone leading people, you're like, do I know the words? But I also feel that way about the English part of it, not strictly the Māori version. Yeah, the English one was the one I struggled with. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Look, I'd love to be able to drag you over the coals for this, Keezy, but I don't think you've done anything wrong there, man. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, classic Lane just throwing you into the sharks, really, didn't he? Yeah. But, I mean, funny, though.

3:50Keyzie:Got you pretty good.

3:51Mike Minogue:It's just afterwards I felt bad because everyone was saying I committed a hate crime. I was like, not really, I just forgot how to sing. You must have felt like a massive martyrs.

3:58Keyzie:But you wouldn't have cared because, you know, you were pretty tanked up there. Just would have slurred your way through it.

4:06Mike Minogue:I did slur my way through it at one point, and Ella, who works at the ACC, grabbed the microphone off me. Right. Oh, really? You would have had a go at her because you're a massive sexist as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you did a vom, I heard. Then I chunded it on stage. Yeah, yeah. Is this the Arctic Monkeys? The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

4:25Keyzie:Kings of Leon there on the radio. Hodaki, big show this Tuesday evening. Now, Keezy, I meant to ask, mate. Of course, over the weekend, you were doing a couple's massage.

4:36Mike Minogue:Oh, that's right. I.e.

4:37Keyzie:you and your wife getting massaged in the same room at the same time. How did it go? Talk us through it.

4:42Mike Minogue:It was actually really, really, really enjoyable. I love it. Yeah, great. I love massages. I've decided that I'm a massage. Could you put the sexy music on, please? Why? It's not relevant. Oh, what about that Benny Hill music? Hang on.

5:00Keyzie:Now, can you go back to sexy? Can you describe the ambiance? Oh, yes, let's start there. Can you take us from actually sitting that you arrive, you're there.

5:12Mike Minogue:I'm in the reception area. And take us through it. So the first thing you have to do is they hand you a clipboard each with a few things. You fill out your details. Skip. And then, wait, wait, wait. Then there's the outline of a human body. Oh, yeah. And then you have to circle any areas that require attention. I'm with you. Okay. So there's one that is like the human body facing forwards, and the human body facing backwards. Okay. So I circled my lower back. Yeah. You've got a shocking back, haven't you, mate? Well, it's got a fractured vertebrae. It plays up on me a wee bit. Yeah. Probably should do Pilates.

5:50Mike Minogue:So I circled lower back.

5:51Keyzie:You didn't do that on the front, though, eh? No, no, no.

5:54Mike Minogue:No, my quads are actually fine. Yeah, nice. Okay. Nice. And you go down there and then they say, get changed, get unchanged just into your undies and hop under the towel there. Just your undies or they supply you some undies? No, just my undies. Really? They don't say here, put on these special spa undies. Well, they do have those. Do you not know about that? Yeah, they do. When I was over in Fiji and I went for that spa, they give you disposable underpants so that you're not wearing your filthy bastards.

6:19Keyzie:Why do they need to be disposable? You had holes in your massive testy hanging out the side there.

6:25Mike Minogue:Yeah, no, they didn't do that. It was just me and my jockeys. Oh, yeah. My wife was the same, so she was wearing jockeys too. Crook. No, I can't remember what under she was wearing. I wasn't really looking, to be honest. Paying attention, yeah. I was also very hungover. Sounds about right. And it was actually, you know, you put your head in the hole. Yes, you do. And you get under the blanket there, and then they sort of start by rubbing your neck and stuff. Oh, yeah. And, like, even the top of my head with my hair and, like, you know, a bit of a head massage.

7:01Keyzie:Right. Just working the head. Working the head, yeah. And then they went to... With oil or...?

7:08Mike Minogue:Yeah, it wasn't oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not sure what oil it was.

7:11Keyzie:Working the head with a bit of oil there.

7:13Mike Minogue:Yeah. Only for a wee bit. Yeah. Yeah, well, you don't want to do it too much. and then we moved down to my...

7:22Mike Minogue:Then we moved down to my hands. My favourite part about the massage was the hand massage. Right. Really getting stuck in there.

7:29Keyzie:Yeah, well, it's very... It's connected to all your little bits and pieces, the old hand and your feet. That's right, the pressure points for many of the body's organs, of course, Keezy, the nerve endings, come out there on your feet and your hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they do your feet?

7:45Mike Minogue:Yeah, they did my feet. Lewis.

7:50Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

7:56Keyzie:Rage against the machine there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Wednesday evening.

8:02Mike Minogue:Fellas, I saw an old man fall over in town today.