COLD CUTS: Easter Special

7:34Mike Minogue:When I'm staying responsibly, I will maybe have a durry if everyone else is having a durry. He does. He gets a durry hanging out of his mouth and he's wandering around going, Aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, this guy.

7:46Keyzie:Yeah. I mean, was that unreasonable?

7:48Mike Minogue:I think, personally, I'm on his side. I don't want a massive vape cloud to walk through. I think it's disgusting. It pisses me. I was about to swear on the radio there. Is it not over the top, though, saying your effing vape smoke is blind in my effing mouth? Face.

8:05Keyzie:Well, it probably did go in his mouth, to be fair. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he's having a hard day. Maybe he's giving up the vape. Maybe. Maybe you're making it hard for him to give up the vape. Well, I said to him, do you want to suck?

8:16Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

8:22Keyzie:Queens of the Stone Age there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Friday afternoon. The time is seven minutes to six o 'clock, fellas. And today, old hoity Jay took the plunge. Oh, congratulations. What did you do? I bought a new pair of boots.

8:40Mike Minogue:Well, those ones you've got on?

8:41Keyzie:Yeah.

8:42Mike Minogue:You've had those for ages. They look old. I've seen you wear those so many times. You wore them yesterday. You literally wore them yesterday.

8:50Keyzie:I had my daughter and my wife with me.

8:52Mike Minogue:Now, that shirt, on the other hand, that is new.

8:56Keyzie:We went to the old boot store. The old boot store. I thought that's where you must have been. And the reason you're mistaking these for another pair of boots is because they've got a kind of rustic look to them. You know what I mean? They're not sort of shiny and new. They've got a kind of patina on them, yes. Can I say, Jase, that they're a Chelsea boot. They're a Chelsea boot, the same as the ones you were wearing yesterday, which is why I was confused. So you've gone for the same style as a pair of boots that you've already got.

9:31Mike Minogue:But a weathered version.

9:33Keyzie:So that they look old. Yeah. Well, here's the difference. One of those pairs of boots was very expensive. Right, was it? And the other pair of those boots cost 10 bucks. Right. Yeah, right, okay. So what are you going to do with the 10 buck ones? You're going to bit them? Well, no, I'll keep them there so I don't wear out. Your good boots. My good boots.

9:54Mike Minogue:So what? But the good boots, weirdly, are the ones that look old. Correct. And the old ones that cost 10 bucks, they look new. They look new because they're shiny. Right, but you wear those ones, the shiny ones, to make sure the new ones that look quite old don't wear out. You've got it.

10:16Keyzie:Because if I'm wearing the one that I spent all the money on, the rubber wears away on the sole there. Because all the walking that Hoity J is doing at the moment around the city. Bloody oats. Can I just say, I've cracked 12 ,000 steps today already. and I haven't even gone home. I've got heaps of stuff to do for the rest of the night.

10:35Mike Minogue:Wow. I hope those boots are made for walking. Well, they're not really. They're made for keeping in your wardrobe. The other ones are made for walking. The old ones. The old ones. They look new. They're made for walking.

10:46Keyzie:It's like when I bought my first car. It is like that.

10:52Mike Minogue:You're right. Well, it was a Model T, wasn't it?

10:53Keyzie:It was a beautiful, beautiful car. Brand new officer room floor. but I never drove it because I didn't want to wear out the rubber on the tyres so I used to catch the bus.

11:05Mike Minogue:Yes. You know what I mean? And by bus you mean horse-drawn carriage. Yes.

11:13Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Dilly's out there losing it.

11:20Keyzie:Yes. Pearl Jam there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Monday night. If people could hear what we say in between the breaks.

11:29Mike Minogue:It's mainly you two, to be honest. It's shocking. Hey, fellas, bloody exciting news. Tottenham Hotspur are coming to Aotearoa playing Auckland FC Sunday, July 26. You can be a part of football history, man. Imagine that, going along and seeing the Spurs come and take on Auckland FC. How good. Yeah, man, sounds good. Tottenham Hotspur versus Auckland FC, Eden Park, Sunday, July 26. General tickets on sale Tuesday, the 7th of April, 12 p.m. Ticketek. That's lunchtime. Great stuff, Keezy. Thanks, mate. Hey, fellas, I had a bit of a shocking bastard there over the weekend with my dry cleaner. You guys all know that Birdshit Chris pisses all over our beds.

12:10Mike Minogue:You mean your cat who the audience voted to name Birdshit Chris? No, I mean you. Birdshit Chris. To be honest, I would, given the chance. So absolutely been going to town. So a couple of weeks ago I dropped off. all of the bedding off our bed. So the duvet, look how happy he dresses. The duvet, the top sheet, the bottom sheet, and then there's the mattress topper. Mattress protector? The protector, but it's a topper as well. So it's got like a two-inch foam thingy-majiggy in there. Oh, yeah. They're good baths. They're good. And it's a king bed. I'm not, you know. King Mogey. Old King Mogey, I call myself.

12:50Old King Mogey. So I dropped all of that off at the dry cleaner and they said it was going to take moons and moons it took. But it was really over the weekend. So I went down there and I picked it up, get home, and they haven't given me the topper. Right. I'm thinking to myself, so I've got to go back, don't I? So I drive back there, go inside again, find a park, Kesey. It's not easy, man. Finding a park? Finding a park. It's not easy. Amen, brother. I go inside and I say, hey, I've got all this stuff. I've got the top sheet, I've got the bottom sheet, I've got the duvets, but I don't have the topper.

13:29You haven't given me the topper. And she's like, oh, let me have a look here. And then she's looking at barcodes and she's looking in the computer. She's worried. She's giving me good service. But she says to me, yeah, look, you have to go home and if you could grab the duvets and bring them back, then I'll be able to check the barcodes and we'll be able to work out whether we've given you the wrong thing or not. and so I say, jump in my car. No, I don't even jump in the car. I get in the car. Was anyone at home? Not answering the phone. My wife has her phone on silent in times I need her.

14:04Mike Minogue:That seems pretty chill. You're probably chilling. I love it. I was fine with that. I was just like. Were you thinking about how easy it would be if your heart was clenching

14:11Keyzie:and clutching in your chest?

14:13Mike Minogue:Yeah, like if your wife had just sent a photo of the barcode. Oh, yeah. No, I was thinking that. So then I went home and I grabbed the duvets and I came back and very helpful, found a park. Not easy finding a park, easy, tell you what. Amen, man. She checks both the barcodes. Both the barcodes match up. They are our duvets. So that's great news. It's good to know. If I could just bring in the other top sheet and the other thing, bring that in as well. What? I was like, oh, so you need that. I could have brought all four of those in. Yeah.

14:45Mike Minogue:Right. Jump in the car. You try to bring in your wife again? I tried to bring in my wife. She has it on silent in times of need. Which is chill. I'm not bothered by that, man. You get used to it. Go home, grab those, bring them back in. Both those match up as well. So all four of these items match up. They are the thing. So she's verified them. She's verified them. But to me, I'm saying to her, well, there's human error here because the topper weighs about 800 kilos. It's king size. It's massive. It's got two-inch thick foam on it. This is not those. This is a mattress protector, but it hasn't got any foam.

15:17and it's not it. So there's been some human error when the barcode's been applied. Look, she'd love to help me, but it's just going to have to wait until next week. They're going to have to have a look at their stores and when it gets done, because they send it away, obviously. So then I go home. Sorry, when I leave, before I go, I actually left. I got into the car and then I forgot and I went back in and I went back up to the counter and I went. And then I jumped in the car and went home again. Then I'm making the bed, and when I'm making the bed and I'm putting the mattress protector on, I realise this is the mattress protector.

15:54Mike Minogue:Oh, my God. This is the one, but they've taken out the foam topper and they've not put it back in. So the foam's been thrown away or something? The foam's been taken out. The Lord knows where it is. So I ring her up. I say, this is the right one. She says, that's great. I say, it's got no foam topper in it. She's like, that's weird.

16:17Mike Minogue:Right, okay, so you still don't know where the foam is? Nah. Have you tried calling it? Or is the foam on silent? Oh, boy.

16:28Keyzie:It's Queen to the start, H.

16:30Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

16:37Keyzie:Yes, indeed, green day there on the Radio Hauraki. Big show this Tuesday afternoon. The time is 11 minutes past five o 'clock.

16:44Mike Minogue:For some reason, Hoity J has lost the password to the computer in front of him in the studio here, and he thinks that getting the audience to text through on 3483 what they think his password might be could be the answer. Yeah, it might work.

16:56Keyzie:They know me so well after all these years, Kesey, they might actually trigger it.

17:01Mike Minogue:100%. So what, I'm going to read them out, and you're going to try typing them in? Yeah, I'll try them. Okay, all right. First one to try. It's from Will. Hoggle boat shirt, 1971. No. Right, seems like more typing than what I said there. Right, yeah, well, I'm just real fast, man. And what would the 1971 be in relation to?

17:22Keyzie:I don't know, but he's just chucking it out there. Why not?

17:25Mike Minogue:Because usually that would be someone's birthday, but obviously yours is, you're 39, so your birthday is. Yeah, totally. Hoytie's a hot one with one the number.

17:38Keyzie:No. Okay, that was way too much typing. No, well, I had to go back and delete some stuff.

17:43Mike Minogue:Oh, right, okay. JizzBot69. Oh, yes, good one. No. Okay, well, you pushed like two keys that time. No, it wasn't that one, Keezy. Oh, this one here. Hey, guys, definitely know what it is. BuzzySniffer03.

18:02Keyzie:No. BuzzySniffer. I mean, I've never been a BuzzySniffer, Keezy. Really?

18:12Mike Minogue:I feel like you'd be really good at it. Just looking here.

18:19Keyzie:Is that a bit of filthier, I imagine? 100%. Yeah, okay, yeah.

18:22Mike Minogue:Biscuit nips, all one word.

18:24Keyzie:Biscuit nips. That would be more your thing, but no.

18:27Mike Minogue:No, not biscuit nips. Okay, just try one, two, three, four. Oh! You are joking! Was it one, two, three, four? Yes. Oh, wow. So now that you've logged in, do you want to help me do some of the admin? No. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

18:49Keyzie:Yes, indeed. Nirvana there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Wednesday evening. The time is 6.25. Jase, how do you feel about testicular cancer? Are you for or? Oh, look, I'm against. Are you? I'm against.

19:05Mike Minogue:Really?

19:06Keyzie:Massively, man.

19:07Mike Minogue:I could have sworn you a pro.

19:09Keyzie:Pro-testicular cancer?

19:11Mike Minogue:Yeah. No, no. No, no. Yeah, no, okay. Well, we obviously just got our wires crossed there. The reason Moggy brings this up, fellas, is that testicular cancer is -

19:20Keyzie:Because I was wondering why you were bringing that up, actually.

19:23Mike Minogue:Oh, yeah, Keyser can help with that. Yeah, I was literally just - Testicular cancer is the number one cancer among young fellas here in New Zealand. Oh, hands down. Hands down. Your pants. Yes. Yeah, both. Both. It is, however, highly treatable when caught early, but fellas just aren't checking, all right? So get your hands down your pants, check for lumps regularly. Can I just say on this, I don't check for lumps. I am sort of always sort of buggering around down there. Yeah. But I never get down, because what you've got to do there, Keezy, and this is the thing I was looking up, because it's all well and good to say, you know, check your tickets.

20:03Tickets, please, tickets, please. is that's what I say as people are coming through the door here at NZMe to every gentleman that comes through. Right. I say, tickets please, tickets please, and then I put my hands down their pants. Now, that's all well and good, but if you don't know what you're looking for.

20:18Mike Minogue:I think it's illegal. If you don't know what you're looking for, you're kind of wasting everybody's time. Yes. Yeah, you're right, because I've spent a lot of time down there. Because Bogsy said, Mogi, you're wasting my time, man. The CEO of EDB walked in and you checked his plans. I said, tickets please, tickets please. And then he said, what are you doing? I said, checking your ticket. And he was like, oh, yeah, that checks out. Yeah, yeah. And then he goes, what are you looking for? I said, I don't know. Yeah, right. Because the thing is, you do spend a lot of time down that area, but quite often you're focusing on the wrong part.

20:48Yeah, sure. Do you know what the funny thing is about your ticket? If it was in a line-up, let's say your ticket had committed some kind of a crime. Yes. And there was a line-up of your ticket there.

21:00Mike Minogue:You're talking about balls, yeah. Yeah, C's and B's. Okay. Let's chuck them all in there. I don't think I could pick mine out of a line-up because the perspective would be completely different. Yeah, you're right because you're usually looking down on it. I am. I've got a bird's eye view. I'm looking down at it. Sometimes it's looking up. Sometimes it's looking down. Yeah. But if I'm looking at it there, I'm not 100 % I'd know which one was mine. Absolutely.

21:27Keyzie:And, you know, I think we're all the same, aren't we, fellas? Because I've only ever had the bird's eye view of my downstairs. And this is the freaky thing. I've never seen the end of it. Well, I'd be able to pick yours out of the line-up, Jase, because yours is the one with the butchered circumcision. It does have a butchered circumcision. So I've heard. It's distinct, for sure. Oh, absolutely. Let me put it this way. If you saw it, you wouldn't miss it. Yeah, right. It's kind of the equivalent you're downstairs, your C's and B's, your ticket, if a pirate had have committed a crime. And it was in the line up there.

22:06It had a peg leg and an eye patch and a bear on its shoulder.

22:11Keyzie:Have you ever, you guys are familiar with the old anteater? Oh, yeah, yeah, an aardvark. The really old aardvark. Yeah, you know, with a big snout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. With a tongue that comes out of it. Yeah, just get some, it's in that kind of vibe. Right, okay, so you're running an aardvark. Oh, yeah, the aardvark, yeah. Sort of like the squinty eyes and reek.

22:33Mike Minogue:Absolutely reek. They do reek. And they rock hard shell as well. Oh, they can be rock hard, all right.

22:39Keyzie:But anyway, Gizzi, you check mine out because I don't like to go there. Can I just say – Was it all G for me? Yeah, no, you're sweet, man.

22:47Mike Minogue:Yep. I was just like, nothing to see here, just a normal old aardvark penis. You can move on. But the reason we're talking about this is because – Yeah, how did we get on this? We're trying to convince young fellas to check themselves for lumps, and now there is a lump lottery. If you find a lump, you win a ute. It is that simple. Head to lumplottery.co.nz. But the main thing we want you to do is check. Check for lumps. And also you don't have to have a lump to win the ute. It's a turn of phrase. Yeah, yeah. But go to lumplottery.co.nz and you might win a ute. And it's just about raising awareness.

23:20Mike Minogue:Check yourself. Yeah.

23:22Keyzie:Good stuff, man. Good stuff. Just get into it, New Zealand, all right? In the meantime, it's Jane's Addiction.

23:29Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

23:35Keyzie:Yes, indeed, Lenny Kravitz. On the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday. I keep wanting to say Friday, fellas. It's not Friday, ma 'am. Technically. Sorry, what? No. Tickle me. It's Thursday. Tickle me.

23:53Mike Minogue:Hey, fellas, it is Thursday, and we've got a four-day long weekend ahead of us. How good. It's the best long weekend of the entire year because it's the longest. Yes. And with that in mind, and our mates at Toledo have given us 50 bucks to give away cash. All you have to do is text in on 3483. What are you up to for Easter? It's cash for gas. It is. Best text, boom, 50 bucks. Pretty easy. 3483. Feel free to keep them coming. How about this one? G'day, Fels. G'day, Fels. Going to spend Easter alone in the bush looking for deer. Cheers. Looking for deer. That's a backbone. Do you look for them or do you shoot them?

24:31I don't know.

24:31Keyzie:I, you know, because as I mentioned on what's on the TV, I've been watching alone. There's something very appealing about going bush. Bush. You know what I mean? Deep in the bush and just by yourself in your own time, hunting a bit of fresh meat. You know what I'm saying, fellas? Setting up camp, getting the billy on. I love it. No, you don't. I hate the sound of it. You love the idea of it. You can't do it. I'm going to do it just to prove you wrong, baby.

25:01Mike Minogue:What, you're going to go hunting over Easter to prove Mogi wrong? I love the idea of you going missing in the bush. Yes, and I would too. I'd freeze to death from the first night. You can put a tent down in that park outside your window in the city. You'll get lost. Yeah, build a bivouac in the park in the city.

25:18Keyzie:I reckon I could build a bivouac now. I've watched so many camping videos. Okay, here we go. I reckon I could build a little A-frame there.

25:28Mike Minogue:Here we go. We should, when we get back, take Jase down somewhere and get him to build a bivouac. Yep. I like the sound of that. It's great. G'day there, feelers. Wilkie from Christchurch here having beef cheek for supper. So that's not really Easter plans. It's somebody who's confused with what's on the dinner. So who was that? That was Wilkie in Christchurch. I do like a bit of beef cheek, though.

25:52Keyzie:Do you? Yeah. Slow cooker. Oxtail. All that sort of jazz. Bit of mash.

25:58Mike Minogue:Very nice, Jase. That sounds yum. You're currently leading the way in terms of getting the 50 bucks. It's a good work. G'day, fellas. Christopher here. Christopher Guest. Christopher Nolan. Hang on.

26:09Keyzie:Are we doing what's on the dinner with me, Dinner Keezy?

26:12Mike Minogue:Sorry, I got confused because that guy texts through beef cheeks. This is just from Christopher. Friday golf. Saturday golf. Sunday golf. And then watch the Warriors. and then Monday golf. Oh.

26:24Keyzie:He sounds like my kind of man. Yeah. When's the last time you two backbones went out and had a game of golf? It's been a while. It has been, yeah. There's been a lot going on, to be fair, though. What are you talking about? There is a lot. There's nothing going on. Going on, Moggy. There is for Keezy, not for you. What's your excuse? Mate, don't get me started. No, you're allowed to. Just because you're so bored, you throw your cat out of the bloody window. Yeah. You're a shocking bastard. Don't even get me started.

26:53Mike Minogue:We'll know this one from Will. G'day there, feels. Heading to Te Ano to go on a romantic glowworm cave expedition. Is that romantic, is it? I think so. In a cave. Cave full of worms. Cave full of worms. That's romantic.

27:08Keyzie:Let us know how it goes. I've always wanted to do caving. You know what I mean? No, you don't. And I've, you know, especially the underground ones where you, like, have to swim through sort of really tight little tunnels and stuff. I've always wanted to do that. Because I watch a lot of caving videos.

27:24Mike Minogue:Why don't you prove us wrong and go caving this Easter, man?

27:27Keyzie:Oh, no, I can't. I'm pretty booked up this Easter. Maybe next time, Keezy, yeah.

27:31Mike Minogue:What about this one from Denise? Dragging Jimmy the Stud Muffin away to Rua Kaka to celebrate 25 years of blissful marriage. Oh, Kia Kaka. Blissful. Huh? Blissful marriage.

27:42Keyzie:Blissful, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you reckon they've had a few down periods in that time, Maggie? Oh, 100%. I think it's been mostly downs. Mostly downs? Yeah. Yeah. Actually, yeah. It's been an uninterrupted downward trajectory since the wedding.

27:54Mike Minogue:Hey, but Rua Kaka might fix things. Yeah, well, this feels like a let's give it one last shot. Exactly. It feels to me like you're putting a plaster on a massive wound. And you can tell all that just from a text. What was her name? Denise. Yeah, shock and bastard. Well, okay, one last one. Then we'll decide. Fellas, you won't beat my weekend plans. I'm going boat racing and hook-a-ticker. Oh! That's from some massive backbone. Yeah, no, that's at the pub. Boat racing. I think actually in a boat, not sculling. That's a shame. Which one did you like the most? I like Denise because her marriage is on the rocks.

28:28Mike Minogue:So you think we give her 50 bucks? Yeah, she'll need it for the divorce lawyer. Oh, there you go, Denise. The Hauraki Beat Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hauraki.