In short
The Hauraki Big Show episode “COLD CUTS: Pugs Loves a Moan” is a comedic advice and banter segment. Topic 1: an anonymous stay-at-home mum says her husband spends ~40 minutes in the toilet after coming home, sends TikToks from inside, and avoids household duties; hosts joke he’s avoiding them, possibly having an affair, or using “poo time” as quiet time, and suggest confronting him if the house/dinner are ready. Topic 2: listener-prize banter about a Fiji golf trip, plus callers Dave (firefighter; handicap ~12-13) and Michael (fitter and turner; prefers TIG). Topic 3: internal argument—Chris accuses Pugs of leaving rubbish in the car after a Mount Maunganui live show; Pugs explains which items were his and blames parking.
Guests
anonymous female caller; Dave (volunteer firefighter, golfer); Michael (fitter and turner, golfer).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOAnonymous Advice from a Stay-at-Home Mum
0:29 to 1:44
A listener shares her struggles as a stay-at-home mom and seeks advice on her husband's lengthy toilet breaks.
“If we read it out, you instantly get a$50 re-burger voucher.”
Discussion on Toilet Time and Marital Issues
1:45 to 4:28
The hosts humorously discuss the husband's potential reasons for his long time in the bathroom and offer comedic solutions.
“When I get to have a durry, do a bit of reading, catch up with a few things online.”
Introducing the Big Show Swingers Club
4:29 to 5:30
The hosts introduce a segment about their upcoming trip to Fiji for golf and fun.
“Just before you get into things, Jase, we've had a request here on 3483.”
Listener Call-Ins about Golf and Life
5:31 to 8:12
Listeners call in to chat about their professions, golf, and potential trips to Fiji.
“I tell you what, I used to be a firefighter back in the day, Dave.”
The Rubbish Debate Following the Trip
8:13 to 13:20
The hosts engage in a light-hearted debate about who left trash in the car after their trip.
“And they fit them into tight spaces and just give them a turn.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keyzie. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.
0:06Keyzie:Bing Floyd there on the radio. Hauraki Big Show this Monday evening. Now, fellas, a lot of people are struggling out there at the moment, and what they need is a bit of Big Show advice. Be Paddy Ned 69.
0:22Mike Minogue:Gmail.com. Get in touch. With the fellas. It's a real email address. If you need advice, 100 % anonymous, meet pattynips69 at gmail.com. If we read it out, you instantly get a$50 re-burger voucher. And by instantly, I mean like in a few weeks or something. Yeah, man, one day. This one comes from anonymous. Female anonymous. Ooh. G'day, fellas. I'm a stay-at-home mum with three kids under seven, ruining me financially and emotionally at all times. Yeah, how good is it? Yeah, it's good fun. By the way. Yeah, by the way. Shout out to all the parents out there just loving it. Backpunks. I yearn for 5pm every day when my stud will come home and help out with the household duties, maybe even occupy the kids, put on a little bit of dinner maybe.
1:04Mike Minogue:However - What's she been doing all day? What has she been doing all day? It doesn't say, I don't know. Why isn't she getting the dinner on? The house should be sorted. Why is he doing it when he gets home? That's her job. Hang on. I'm not even joking. Hang on. However, he gets in the door and no less than five minutes later says he's busting for the toilet. He's turtling. He can't wait. He then proceeds to spend about 40 minutes on the toilet, and I suspect it's not all about the ablutions. He even has the cheek to send me a few TikToks from his phone while he's in there. Yeah. Am I missing something?
1:33Mike Minogue:What is he possibly doing in there for this long, and what is the best plan to confront him? Any advice, please? Yeah, I'll tell you what. If he comes home to a spotless house and the dinner's on the table, he won't be in the toilet at all. Yeah.
1:44Keyzie:But it is a crucial part of any man's life is taking a dump, isn't it? Well, and in the bathroom. It's my quiet time. It's time for just me.
1:53Mike Minogue:When do you have loud time? When I get to have, you know. What is it on the golf course?
1:57Keyzie:When I get to have a durry, do a bit of reading, catch up with a few things online.
2:03Mike Minogue:Pay some bills, yeah.
2:04Keyzie:Pay some bills. It's my quiet time. It's my meditative time. Yeah. And then I squeeze one out. And I feel like the world is in order again.
2:17Mike Minogue:Right, so that's your excuse. What were the kids there? Three under five. Seven, yeah. So a couple of them you would think would be at school. Yeah, maybe, yeah. Right? Yeah. What's your advice there, Moggy? Well, I'm just sort of thinking, well, yeah, if she's asking, I mean, the question she's asking is, what's he doing in the toilet? He's avoiding you and his family. That's what he's doing. Maybe he's got, like, depends what he does for a living, though, because he might have one of those jobs where he's just had a gutsful all day. He might be a teacher. He hates kids. And just wants to sit down and back one out.
2:47Mike Minogue:Yeah, or pretend to. Or pretend to, yeah. I mean, who's taking a dump at five?
2:50Keyzie:It sounds like he's having an affair.
2:54Mike Minogue:I think he's having an affair.
2:56Keyzie:He's actually secretly messaging some other person while he's in the toilet.
3:00Mike Minogue:You don't think he's having the affair in the toilet and they're sneaking in the window? Yes. They could be. It's the last thing you'd expect. So what you've got to do...
3:07Keyzie:Though I don't think you want to be in a situation where you're making love to someone while taking a dump.
3:11Mike Minogue:No, no, Jase, I don't think he's doing both. Oh. I think doing the poos is like a cover. Yeah. And then what he might do is they'll, like, make love and then she'll, or he, escape out the window and then he might just, like, rip arse, flush the toilet and then be like, whoa, I don't go in there for a while. Yeah.
3:27Keyzie:Yeah, yeah, nice, nice. But actually, you make a really good point. No one that I've ever known, apart from Moggy, takes a dump at five. But it's the same reasons. I'm trying to avoid you guys. I'm not actually taking a dump. Is that what it is?
3:38Mike Minogue:I'm just spending 40 minutes away from you.
3:40Keyzie:I get that. Very unusual.
3:43Mike Minogue:Yeah. I think you've got to boot the door down and confront him. Yeah, I think so. and get the kids around as well and film it. I think, why don't you hide in the toilet so that you can see what's going on? Yes, like in the cistern. In the cistern, or under the bath, or behind a towel. Under the bath. Well, if you've got a cloth or a bath. So maybe you could hide on the towel rack and put a towel over you. That's a good one.
4:09Keyzie:But just imagine, though, if we've got it totally wrong and he is doing a 40-minute poo. Every single day, yeah. And you're sitting there hiding under the towel on the towel rack and listening to him grunt one out.
4:22Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Big Show Swingers Club is back, and this time it's going global.
4:34Keyzie:Voila! Voila v 'naka!
4:37Jason Hoyte:Racism alert. Racism alert.
4:40Mike Minogue:Just before you get into things, Jase, we've had a request here on 3483. because of your voice. Can you please get Jase to say, don't let plankton steal the Krabby Patty formula?
4:54Keyzie:Don't let plankton steal the Krabby Patty formula.
4:58Mike Minogue:Well, it's the one-timer's voice sounds okay. Now can you go, Mr. Krabs. Hey, so we are going to Fiji. We're going to play golf. We're going to go stay at the beautiful Intercontinental Resort. We're flying Fiji Airways. It's going to be an amazing long weekend of sand, sun and hitting balls. It's sex. Yeah, I was thinking sex. Why was I thinking that?
5:19Keyzie:Because we're going to have sex. Serve sun, sand him.
5:23Mike Minogue:Wait, hang on. Is your partner coming?
5:24Keyzie:No.
5:32Keyzie:Shall we go to the phone lines now? Sure, man.
5:34Mike Minogue:What do you mean? Yeah.
5:35Keyzie:G'day, Dave, you mad bastard. How's life? Yeah, not bad. How are you guys? Yeah, not bad, mate. Not bad. What do you do for a crust, Dave?
5:45Mike Minogue:I'm a firefighter. Oh, backbone. Fighter, more like.
5:49Keyzie:I tell you what, I used to be a firefighter back in the day, Dave. I was out in a place called Odele Point, and I was one of the volunteer firefighters. We'd get together every Tuesday and get steamed. Lucky there was no fires when we were there.
6:05Mike Minogue:I think Jason's mixing up between being a firefighter and fire trucking his bed when he got steamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave, do you like it when people say, oh, I used to be a firefighter, and tell real punishing stories about getting steamed? Oh, it's very good. Yeah, it's good. Do you like golf, Dave? Yeah, I love my golf. Yeah, good on you, mate. And if you won and you came to Fiji, mate, who would you bring? I don't think I could pick, actually. I'd probably do the old playoff between a couple of my golf mates and the little ones get some tickets. Yeah, nice.
6:34Keyzie:What handicap are you running there, Dave? About 12 or 13. Oh, okay. That's good, man. He's way out of our league. Let's just can him right now, all right? We don't want to make us look bad.
6:46Mike Minogue:No, no, Dave, you're in the draw, mate, all right? Pug Sun will chuck you in there, all right? Awesome.
Read the full transcript
6:50Keyzie:Good on you, Dave, man. Good on you, mate. G'day, Michael, you man. Barsad, how's life? Hey, fellas, how you doing? Yeah, good, man. Good. Very great. What do you do for a crust, Michael? I'm a fit of turner, mate.
7:02Mike Minogue:Fit of turner. Oh, yeah. Backbone. Go on, Kesey, ask him, mig or tick? No, that's welders, Mogi. Just out of curiosity, Michael, do you prefer MIG welding or TIG welding?
7:13Keyzie:TIG welding, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same here, mate. Same here, mate. This guy gets it. I hate MIG welding. So when you're training to be a fitter turner, do you go, you just get some stuff and you go, is that fit?
7:22Mike Minogue:Yeah.
7:22Keyzie:Turn it.
7:24Jason Hoyte:Literally, mate, 100%. Are you qualified as Veljose?
7:27Keyzie:Well, I used to do a bit of fitting and turning back in my day there. But I just gave the round on a Tuesday night and get steamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:34Mike Minogue:I was actually a volunteer of turner fitter. Michael, do you play golf, mate? Very, very badly. Yeah, good. Yeah, that's good, mate. You're up there with Keezy. We'll put you in with Jack. All right. And if you did win the prize, mate, who would you take with you?
7:51Jason Hoyte:I'm going to have to say my mate Cam, who actually gave me the clubs that I play with. He wanted me to go along and play with him.
7:57Mike Minogue:He's too useless to buy your own clubs, so he gave me a set. Oh, how good. What was his name? Camel Emma Ding Dong. Camel? Camel Emma Ding Dong, indeed. Oh, the camel.
8:06Keyzie:Well, good on you, Michael. Good luck, mate. Stay on the line and I'll pug some look after you. Hey, Keezy. What's up? What is a fitter and turner? What do they do? Seriously, I don't know.
8:16Mike Minogue:So they take things. Yes. And they fit them into tight spaces and just give them a turn.
8:21Keyzie:Okay, so literally that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I do. Yeah, okay. Oh. Bit of pearl jam, why not? Oh. Turn it up. Huh.
8:32Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hodaki. Sublime on the Hodaki Big Show. 30 minutes past 4, Thursday afternoon. Hoody J back Monday. And Pugs, Moggy, before we continue with the show. Pugs, Moggy. Pugs, I feel like I mentioned it earlier. It's an awkward vibe in here at the moment. And I feel like it was caused by the drive home last night. I feel like you hate me. I feel like you really hate Moggy. And I feel like you might have a bone to pick or something to get off your chest. Am I right?
9:03Jason Hoyte:Can I say this? I don't hate either of you. I have nothing but love for both of you in my heart. Get to the point, man. I do have a bone to pick, though. I got a bone to pick. Did you hate Mogi just then when you said get to the point, man? Nah, he was all good, man. Was he? His old Mogi is sweet as brother. No, look, obviously big day yesterday. Fantastic work from you both at the live show that we did on Mount Manganui Beach in Tauranga there celebrating the Black Clash. It was a big day. Long day. Long day. Two, we drove down and back in one day. I was driving, which was great. I love driving with you guys.
9:34Jason Hoyte:It's always nice doing a roadie with the fellas. Yeah. Driving. I guess you could call it driving, right? Like by, you know, in terms of... Oh, well, let's not get... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry. If you've got a bone to pick, we can fire a stick a bit later on, man. But obviously got back at about, I think, what was it, like nine? Midnight. Nine or ten or something like that after the show. And Chris, you were very kind in offering me, offering to help me pick up the gear from the car, or the broadcast tech.
10:02Mike Minogue:Yeah, because you said, all right, leave it to me, fellas. We'll see you later 100 %
10:05Jason Hoyte:And I was like yeah I can help you if you want
10:07Mike Minogue:Yeah you were like oh I can help you with the gear if you like
10:09Jason Hoyte:Yeah all good All good But I just sort of wondered I was just kind of curious as to what Or how You guys got a fairy growing up that cleans up all your rubbish When you eat food and shit in the car I don't eat shit in the car man You might as well have been the mess that you left behind You sicko Hang on hang on So is this everyone Because I'm pretty sure This is everyone I'm pretty sure I took my rubbish out Oh did you? I don't know Did you want me to run through? Yeah let's go Let's do a run through here So obviously we made a couple of stops. We got some food and stuff on the way back, as you do on any road.
10:37Jason Hoyte:It was always an exciting opportunity. And we were lucky enough to get some Reburger at the broadcast. It was delicious. So I had a bit of rubbish left behind, standy kind of thing, and I got it at the same time and got the gear. So that was a Coke Zero bottle, a gas station egg, what did I say? Bacon and egg sandwich packet. And a Reburger fries box that I had left there. Now, pop over to Mogi's seat in the back, back left there. Wow. Just a water bottle in there. Was that a water bottle? Just an empty water bottle sitting in there. And then also your watch and your towel, which I grabbed for you today.
11:11Jason Hoyte:Am I watching my towel and something else? But that's not rubbish, Mogi. No, that was a mistake. That's your stuff.
11:15Mike Minogue:So when I was there, Pugs, and I want you to know, I had my chip packet. Yeah, yeah. My Reburger chip packet. Uh-huh. I had arms full of stuff, but I made sure that I grabbed that box. And also there was an empty Coca-Cola in the back of the seat. Yeah. I made sure I grabbed that as well. Awesome. And take that with me because that's my rubbish. And the water bottle I apologise for, that was meant to still be in my backpack. And I looked for that this morning, so that was a drop as well.
11:40Jason Hoyte:That's cool. I appreciate the explanation there. Over in Jace's seat, gas station chicken sandwich packet. Yep. Just sitting there on the floor by his feet. Is that all? And then we go over to Keezy's seat in the passenger seat. There was a box of Reburger Coumadre chips with a few left just for me, Chris, and a water bottle too. So, yeah, I just wondered how I can get my hands on the ferry that cleans up all your guys' shit. Pugs. Huh?
12:08Mike Minogue:Yeah.
12:09Jason Hoyte:You parked so close to the car next to us that I couldn't hop out,
12:12Mike Minogue:let alone do it whilst carrying rubbish.
12:14Jason Hoyte:So it's my fault for the parking that you don't clean up after yourself. Also, you said you wanted some coumadre fries. I said that, did I?
12:20Mike Minogue:You said, yum, are those coumadre fries? I said, yes.
12:23Jason Hoyte:I said that after sarcastically. Was that sarcastic? Because you yelled out to me from across the car park after leaving your trash in there.
12:31Mike Minogue:No, no, no, no. You said you wanted the kuma fries, so that's why I left them in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, I think Pug should go reset his licence and learn to park a bit further away so people can hop out. I mean, look, seriously, mate. So what are we talking about there? One packet of chips?
12:50Jason Hoyte:Yeah, and a water bottle.
12:51Mike Minogue:And a water bottle.
12:52Jason Hoyte:Water bottles and a gas station sandwich. Yeah, just picking up after you. Yeah, yeah. It's all G, man. I also just had the broadcast gear to grab as well. Yeah, which case he offered to help you with. 100%. At the elevator door about a kilometre away.
13:04Mike Minogue:Honestly, man, it feels like you're getting a case of the hoity jizzbots. I feel like you need a holiday, man. Yeah. Because if that is bringing you to your knees, you need some reset time, man. It was just a bone to put. You need a bit of Pugsan time. I'm sorry, man. Thank you. That's all I needed Chris? Don't rent a car If you're going on holiday though Yes, wait Let your missus drive
13:27Jason Hoyte:That's cool
13:30Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show With Jase, Mike and Keezy Tune in Weekdays at 4 On Radio Hauraki
From the publisher
On today's bonus best bits from this week, Jase needs his quiet dump time, we chat to some potential Fiji Swingers and Pugs has a bone to pick.
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Featuring Jason Hoyte, Mike Minogue, and Keyzie, "The Big Show" drive you home weekdays from 4pm on Radio Hauraki.
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