COLD CUTS: The Ablution Solution

0:00Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keyzie. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

0:06Keyzie:David Bowie there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Monday afternoon. Now someone on the text machine on 3483 just very quickly fell as accusing me of being a mean bastard. I'm not that mean. I'm pretty kind to it.

0:19Mike Minogue:I walk it, I pet it, I feed it, I love it.

0:23Keyzie:You give it frights. Give it little spooky frights. Jump out from behind doors.

0:29Mike Minogue:and if you've just joined us, this is in regards to how Jase treats his wife. Hey, guys, I've got a question for you, and it's a serious one. Yes. I just want to know, and this is sort of tenuous ground, and I'm aware of that. Oh, gosh. And I just went up front to know if this makes me racist. Oh, okay. All right. I'll play the racism alarm if I think it's super racist. Okay. So I had a dream. It was a dream? So it's not really my point of view. It's just some ideas that have been put into my head while I'm asleep, which isn't really fair. But it was going good. It was a good dream. I was out on a date with Eddie Murphy, the actor and comedian.

1:06Mike Minogue:Oh, Donkey off Shrek. Yeah, Donkey is right. Yeah, voice is Donkey, yeah. Lovely date. Get back to my place. He drops me off. Kiss goodbye on the porch. One thing leads to another. Next thing you know, we're in bed. He gets to a certain state of undress. And it's like you say there, Keezy, big unit, donkey boy. Oh, donkey. So my question is, that is a stereotype, isn't it? So does that make me racist that I've had that stereotype in my head? So it doesn't sound like it makes you racist. Because it's not, yeah. He got nude and had a large downstairs operation. Yes. And it's Eddie Murphy. Yeah. Can I ask, where did you go on a date?

2:00It was to that, they've got that fancy restaurant in LA, I think it's called the Olive Garden or something. Oh, okay. Yeah, nice, nice. It was super, super charming. Yes, yes. Earlier on, I was at the supermarket, and he just came up and started a conversation. I was like, wow, I think that's Eddie Murphy. Anyway, he's like, do you want my number? I was like, well, I'm only in LA for a short amount of time. I've got to go back to New Zealand. He's like, oh, my God, you're from New Zealand. I haven't been there. I really want to go. Oh, wow. I was like, well, we could go for a drink now. I don't want to be a hussy about it.

2:29But anyway, very charming. I normally never do this on a date. That sort of spontaneous, yeah, yeah. And what I mean is not with him because he's, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But because I don't normally do that on the first date, but at the same time, this was a dream. It's a dream, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because in reality, you're married. That's right. To a woman. Exactly, exactly right. And so anyway, you know, I got quite late. I'd had a couple of wines. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Feeling a little bit tipsy. Yes. But not so much that I would say that I wasn't in control of my own decisions. Yeah, right.

3:01So when he leaned in to kiss me on the doorstep, well, the doorstep, the lobby of the - When you say doorsteps. The stoop. Well, the alleyway behind the restaurant there by the dumpster. I was like, why not? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He only lived once. And you're worried that this dream makes you - And he was, he smelled amazing, Jason. I can imagine, yes. So Hot, such a great kisser and lover. Yes.

3:26Mike Minogue:Lover. So you made love to him. Wow. But you're worried. I was certainly there. You're worried that this dream makes you racist. Yeah, and I'm just wondering, does it?

3:36Keyzie:I imagine him being a very, what? A very generous lover, actually.

3:44Mike Minogue:Oh, Eddie Murphy.

3:45Keyzie:Did he make you laugh a lot during the night, during the date? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. He's got a great sense of humour. Yeah, I bet he would. Yes, he would. He's a comedian. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

3:53Mike Minogue:I don't think it makes you racist. Yeah, good. Yeah. No, not at all. Is this the first one of these dreams you've had, or have you had similar ones? What do you mean? Well, like a dream where someone takes you out on a date. Have you ever had similar dreams, you know? I have those sorts of dreams all the time. But it's not necessarily just that, not just dates. Yeah, right, okay. You know? No, I don't think it makes you racist. Sweet. Well, the alarm hasn't gone off once. That's a win. That's a victory. That's good stuff, man. Yeah.

4:21Keyzie:Because you had that one with Brad, didn't you? That dream with Brad. Well, that was one where I was at home and there was a knock on the door and I opened the door and Brad Pitt was there and he was like, hi, I'm your pool guy. Oh, yeah, that's right.

4:36Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

4:40Keyzie:Lead Zeppelin there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Tuesday evening. The time, 5.28.

4:48Mike Minogue:Fellas, I'm going on holiday in a couple of weeks, right? And when I say fellas, by the way, it's just me and Jase because Mogi's gone toilet or something and he's not here right now.

4:57Keyzie:He's eaten three bowls of soup since we've been here. Have you noticed that, mate?

5:01Mike Minogue:It makes me sad. And the worst part, look, he's actually having a chin wag out in the studio right now. He is.

5:04Keyzie:He's literally chatting to someone. It's crazy.

5:07Mike Minogue:That's all, Gene. He'll notice eventually. But Jase, there's something that I've got to organise next week that heading into my holiday, because Friday night, midnight, is when I fly out. Yes. Hey, Mo, you're welcome back, Red. Welcome in, ma 'am.

5:23Keyzie:Join us, if you will. Thanks, fellas.

5:25Mike Minogue:Having a good yarn out there, man? I was. I was having a good old chat. Yeah, it looked fun. You guys rudely interrupted us. Yeah, sorry about that. You're just in time for my chat, man. I might go back out and talk to Prebs. So Friday night next week, I'm flying out at midnight, right? Long flight, stopover in Singapore or something, and then another really long flight. However, what I don't want to do, and I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I don't like going toilet, bad toilet, not good toilet wheeze, bad toilet. Steamer boy. So glad Mike came back. Air steamer. An air steamer, I like that.

6:02Mike Minogue:I don't like going. Everybody get the parachute under your seat. Evacuate. Evacuate. Totally. I don't like going bad toilet in places that aren't my house.

6:18Keyzie:Why are you phrasing it bad toilet?

6:21Mike Minogue:Well, just because I don't want it to be gross on the radio, even though the air steamer just happens.

6:25Keyzie:Is it because you don't want to do a bad steamer on the plane because you then can't immediately have a shower afterwards?

6:32Mike Minogue:No, that's a good question, Jase. Yeah. No. No, I just don't feel comfortable. I feel gross using like a plain toilet for bad steamer. Yeah. Or bad toilet. or like a random toilet in the terminal somewhere. What are you going to do? Well, what I was thinking is, is it possible to change your schedule? Because I'm like clockwork every morning as soon as I get out of bed. Right. I do like a Pugsun. They call it doing a Pugsun where you get out of bed and you sort of jog to the toilet.

6:56Keyzie:Yeah, you do a quick tippy-toe to the toilet.

6:59Mike Minogue:Like Fred Flintstone and it makes that weird little noise. Yeah. And so I often do a Pugsun like clockwork. I'm just wondering, is there a way for me to change that schedule? and how would I go about that? What time is the departing flight again? Midnight. Midnight. That's not the dream. Well, that's like as soon as you're walking through the door, you're dying for a steamer. 100%. That's no good. No, no, totally.

7:23Keyzie:And if I know you as I think I do, you'll be pretty steamed.

7:27Mike Minogue:Oh, totally because we're here.

7:29Keyzie:So we'll literally be the old famous Keezy midnight steamer.

7:35Mike Minogue:No, because that's when the plane takes. So I would have been at the airport. I need to change my schedule to be like 8 p.m. Yeah, well, you could keep it at midnight because it's so close. Mike, I don't currently do it at midnight. Sorry, Kees, I'm just trying to solve your problem here, mate. Thanks, man. So if you do your midnight steamers traditionally at midnight, all we need is to delay the flight by half an hour. Delay the flight? Yes. Bomb threat. Bomb threat. And it'd be legit too.

8:07Mike Minogue:Thanks for the help, fellas. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hauraki.

8:16Keyzie:Billy Idol there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show. Let's give out some advice.

8:26Keyzie:MeetPettyNib69 at gmail.com.

8:28Mike Minogue:Get in touch with the fellas. It's a real email. Reach out. MeetPettyNib69 at gmail.com. 100 % anonymous. and if we read it on the radio, you get a$50 Reburger voucher. This one, fellas, comes from Anonymous. G'day, fellas. Anonymous here. Just a quick one. My wife, all in capitals for some reason, believes you need to shower after going number twos. Doesn't matter if you've showered already that day or haven't done anything to necessitate a second shower. I'm certainly no two-stroker like some, but don't think a shower is definitely required. What are your thoughts? Cheers. Yeah, she's off her head, eh?

9:14Mike Minogue:Sometimes that can happen. She just finds it gross, I guess. She's just an ick for her. Yeah, but that's something wrong with her, though, that you're going to that length. I'm sorry for it. It's terrible for him to find out this way. Exactly. I don't think it's that serious. Yeah, it's not good. So every time, what happens if you're out and you need to go for a number two? You've just got to pop home and go for a shower. No, I don't think it's, from what I can tell, I don't think it's like straight into the shower. It's like, oh, before I go to bed, I'll have to have a shower because I did number two and I don't want to, you know?