COLD CUTS: The Cursed Beans

7:14Mike Minogue:at gmail.com. Get in touch with the fellas. It's a real email address. Meet Patty Nips 69 at gmail.com. If you need advice on anything, it's 100 % anonymous. We'll read it on the show. And if we do, you get a$50 re-burger voucher. This one comes from anonymous fellas. G'day fellas, anonymous here. I recently inherited a cat, Minnie, from my ex-partner. Every day Minnie finds one or two skinks in the garden and brings them inside the house Sometimes I don't find them for days when I eventually do find the skinks they're usually heavily injured if not already dead So when I release them I don't have high hopes for their survival No I have recently discovered that this particular species of skink is native to New Zealand and protected under the Wildlife Act 1953 I am worried I am now in violation of the law by allowing her to continue her rampage She's a tough little bastard and is pretty unfazed when I yell at her to try to get the message across.

8:15Mike Minogue:What should I do, fellas?

8:16Keyzie:Fellas, can I tell you a true story? What's that, fellas? First and foremost, Jizz is a murdering machine on the skinks. So your new cat. Our new cat. There are thousands of the bastards around our house, but this is a terrible... Generally, I'm able to catch them and set them free again, and she just sort of stares at me. But the other day, my wife and I lifted up a rug in our lounge. And can I say... Ooh. There were three completely flattened dead skinks under our rug. How long would they have been there? I have no idea. So maybe they were injured and just, you know, scuttled under the nearest rug.

9:01Yes, I think so.

9:01Keyzie:And then we just trampled all over it, not knowing they're there. Stomped them, yeah. You know how you used to dry flowers in a book or something like that? They were like that. They were pancake thin. And it was like, how grody is that?

9:14Mike Minogue:Did they have blood around them or anything?

9:15Keyzie:No, there was no guts. They were completely dehydrated. All the guts and poos probably just absorbed into the rug. Into your rug. Yeah, yeah. How good is that? That's so good, man. Yeah, I mean, it's tricky, isn't it? I mean, a skink, speaking of the Wildlife Act 1953, everything, all animals, flora and flora, are protected automatically. so it's not specific to the skink. I think if you had to go through the act and individually select animals that would be protected... Or native animals? A skink wouldn't be protected. Oh, there's thousands of the bastards. God, there's billions of them. Yeah, for now.

9:47They're growing underneath Jase's rug in his lounge, for God's sake. I mean, that's how many of them there are.

9:52Keyzie:Can I just tell you, I want to get your guys' view on this, actually, because my girls are over in Melbourne now, and they're saying that there's, what do you call it, when you shut... Cats aren't allowed out after like five o 'clock? Curfew. Curfew, thank you. That's the word I was looking for. They genuinely have a curfew and animals are not allowed out after five o 'clock. How do we feel about that? Because they're out there killing all the birds, et cetera, et cetera. Exactly, yeah. It's tricky, isn't it? Because cats love killing birds and other animals. Yes. And how are we to stand in their way?

10:23Exactly. Yeah, it's tricky because it's God's will. A cat's will is God's will, essentially. Actually, God is acting through the cat. And if the cat feels like killing tuis, keterdus, skinks, who are we to stand in God's way?

10:38Keyzie:Can I say law of the jungle? You can say law of the jungle. You know what I'm saying, Heezy?

10:42Mike Minogue:We're not living in the jungle, man. Wow, you should come to my house. The cat is. The cat's in the jungle. The cat's in the jungle. And I think bringing in the skinks, they're bringing in prizes, aren't they? It's a gift. It is a gift. They say thank you. They're showing off. Look how smart I am. and when you, you know, I'm not surprised that the cat is looking at this guy and saying, what the F's going on here, man? Yeah. Like, can you imagine if your wife brought you home a present and then you grabbed the present, threw it over the balcony and then shouted at your wife? I mean, your wife would be filthy about that.

11:14Yeah, no, yeah, fair point.

11:16Mike Minogue:Well, like, you took the present and then you put it under your rug. And then you stomped on it. Trampled it flat and left it there for like a decade. So I hope that helps. Yeah, I mean, what's the advice here? I think you're going to have to have the cat put down. Oh. Well, you know, you've got a decision to make. If you don't like a cat being a cat, you're going to be continuously disappointed because cats have a habit of acting like cats. So get the cat put down. Jeez, that's shocking from you, Keezy. What? No, I'm just rephrasing. That's a bit harsh, man. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy.

11:50Mike Minogue:Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

11:52Keyzie:Yes, indeed, Bush, this Thursday evening. Now, fellas, something happened to me yesterday morning that disgusted me profoundly. Oh, no. You'll recall, I think it was a couple of days ago, we were talking about baked beans. Baked beans. Baked beans. And I told you what I like to do with my baked beans, cut up some rashers of bacon.

12:12Mike Minogue:So you've got the rashers there and you make little... Yeah, like I dice them up, Kesey.

12:16Keyzie:Yeah, right, okay. And then I fry them off in my little pot there. I put in my baked beans, and then I get like half a tablespoon to a tablespoon, not tablespoon, teaspoon of hot chili oil and sort of chili grit. Flakes. Flakes. Chili grit. And I shove that in there and I swirl it around, a bit of cracked pepper, two pieces of white bread, too much butter, and I just pour those bastards over there.

12:43Mike Minogue:How good is bread, butter, and baked beans mixed together? So good. It's so delicious. It's the bomb.

12:49Keyzie:And so yesterday morning I was like, I've got to eat. I'm starving. Oh, my God, I'll do my baked beans special. And I go into the pantry there and I pull out the baked beans and to my utter disgust, my wife randomly and for no reason whatsoever had bought peri-peri baked beans. Oh, yum. Disgusting. Do you like peri-peri stuff? No, I don't. And, you know, what are we doing tutu-ing around with iconic things like your Waddy's Baked Beans? It was a step too far. So I was so disgusted that I flagged breakfast and went, I'm not eating that crap. Yeah. Then we had nachos for dinner last night. And, you know, I texted my wife and went, what the hell's this?

13:38Keyzie:Really? I was fuming, mate. I was fuming.

13:41Mike Minogue:Because she does all the shopping, eh? That's one of your rules That's one of your rules

13:48Keyzie:It's a deal breaker So I texted her and I was fuming And then we had nachos last night And to my utter disgust She put the peri peri baked beans In with the mints

14:00Mike Minogue:That sounds delicious

14:01Keyzie:And it was foul It was disgusting Had you not made it clear Well I've actually pointed out to her I said, read the nachos tonight. There's some chili beans in the pantry. And she took the chili beans to mean the peri-peri bait beans. And it was so disgusting, not even she could eat it. Really? Not even she? And she's got a massive appetite. Oh, look, she loves her food, Mogi. Oh, does she what? She cleans her plate every time. I'll give her a massive bowl of delicious hoity-jay pasta, and she'll go, oh, that's way too much. And then she hoovers it up. Then she just dedouches it. But what are we doing, tutu-ing around with iconic brands?

14:46I mean, I think they're trying to combine two iconic things, aren't they? The baked beans with the peri-peri, two icons there.

14:52Keyzie:Yeah, but I would argue that peri-peri is a new phenomenon. It's taken the world by storm. I know it's around in the world, but in New Zealand it's only kind and new.

15:01Mike Minogue:So you don't like sort of outside stuff coming into New Zealand and changing our stuff? Yeah, that's right. It's like you want to keep New Zealand great. Is that what you're saying, man? Is that what you're saying, Jase? It's like, don't bring your foreign muck in here. That's what you're saying. And mess with my beans. Yeah, man, that's what I'm saying. The Hauraki Beat Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.