FULL SHOW: Hoytey J Real Estate

20:22That's a problem for me. Yes. Do you feel elderly? No. Like, Chase, do you feel elderly? No, mate.

20:30Keyzie:I feel vigorous as. Yeah, right. So I'm not happy about it. I'm a bit younger than you, though, to be fair. No, there's trouble. You are. You're only 39.

20:41So anyway, I'm not happy about that. The show itself, outside of the fact that it's bullshit, is really good. Four buzzies so far out of a possible five buzzies. I'm pretty sure it's three now. Can I just say that the British, they just know how to make a TV show. They do. They make it look easy. Yes. Great writing, great acting, piece of piss.

21:02Keyzie:Great stuff. Fellas, last night I watched on Samsung TV. I survived. Oh, stop watching this show. Wait, this is an amazing one. Okay, what was the scenario? It was a window cleaner, and he'd been sent out. To clean a window? To clean a window. Was that on a skyscraper? Well, but he was on a winch sort of system, and he was strapped in. And, of course, being I survived, it snapped. He fell, like, 20 metres onto a roof with a little steeple on it. Spire. Oh, and it went through him. It went through his heart. Was he impaled? Went through his chest. Did he survive? And it went straight through his heart.

21:52No, no, no, bullshit. It did not go through his heart.

21:55Keyzie:It went through his heart. And then it stayed on the spire, came through his chest and was sitting on top of the spire. It was sitting on top of the spire. What, his heart was. And he was like skewered and he was going, oh, this isn't good. Is that what he said? Yes, in his head, of course. Was he a doctor? No. Well, how does he know whether it's good or not? Well, it was just the vibe he was getting. And then he was like, hang about, is that my heart on the end of the spike there? There you are. Surely not. Yeah. And was it? Fortunately, it was still connected through the ventricles and stuff.

22:29Keyzie:Yeah. The chambers of the heart. Anyway, he was on that spire for like eight hours. Oh, wow. Before he was found. Who found him? Was it a farmer from yesterday? No, it wasn't a farmer. No, he had no arms mug, you remember? This is the crazy thing. This is the crazy thing. The person whose place it was, they'd been away and they came back. From holiday? And they heard this shuffling on the roof. Who was it? It was the fellow who'd had his heart pierced with the sort of spike on top of the roof. What was he doing on the roof? Did he have a deck of cards? No, he fell off onto the spike. On the roof?

23:06On the roof. What was he cleaning that was above the spike on the roof?

23:10Keyzie:Well, he was cleaning the windows next to this house and he fell off. Bloody hell. That's so interesting. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. You're welcome back, you massive backbones. Hope you're enjoying this beautiful Thursday afternoon. You're listening to The Big Show, by the way, brought to you by Toledo's. From work days to workouts, Toledo's keeps you balanced, refreshed, and ready to go. Toledo! Mike. Toledo's. We've got to talk about your rhythm, man. Even the clapping was off rhythm. Yeah. You were clapping along, but... I think you've got a rhythmic hearing, Kesey.

23:53Is that a thing? No, you've got unco hearing. Is that a thing? Your ears are unco, yeah. Maybe that is a thing. Oh, it is. Because every time I hear Mike do any clapping, it's always completely wrong. Have you noticed that, Jase, or have I got uncohering? I thought he was bang on there, but... Really? You're siding with Mike Minogue. Okay, that's interesting. The likelihood...

24:18Keyzie:Listen to that. That's beautiful. No, it's terrible. The likelihood is that you've got uncohering. Right, I didn't even know that was a thing. Yes. Is there any cure? It's often to do with the sinuses. Yeah. Oh, right. And if the old snozz is blocked up. Yeah. It can throw your sense of rhythm off, your balance off. Your balance will be all buggered up as well because you've got that big motor out in front of you as well. Right, so it's a blocked sinus big motor issue. Yes. And that big dump truck you're running. I don't have a dump. I've got a peach. I don't have a dump truck. I wish I had a dump truck.

24:56Now listen. Oh, serious topic.

24:59Keyzie:There he is. Coming up. Keezy, I know you've been under a lot of stress for your house. And my sinus and my big motor as well. Yeah. And the pookie. Pants are under a lot of stress. Yeah, so's his shirt. But I've got a proposal for you that I want to put forward to you, and I want you to approach it with an open mind. Okay. Okay. We'll be doing that next, eh? Absolutely. I'm keen. Sounds good, mate. In the meantime, you're smashing pumpkins. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike, and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Arctic Monkeys there on the Radio Hauraki. Big show this Thursday afternoon.

25:40Keyzie:The time is 11 minutes past five o 'clock. Now, Keezy. Hello. I understand you're in the process at the moment. You're thinking about selling your house. Yeah, I think so, man. We've been in there for a wee while now. I think it's time for us just to take that next step. Yeah. But we're still thinking of it. It's still early days, you know. Yeah. Early days, early days. Well, they say, don't they, that selling your house is one of the most stressful things you can do outside of death and birth. Death's stressful. Dying's stressful. Well, not for the person that's dead. Oh. Well, I mean, it can be if you get into that.

26:12I find death would probably be a big relief, stress relief. Indeed. No more emails. Exactly.

26:20Keyzie:Yeah, emails. But they do say that about selling your house is that it is one of the most stressful things you can do. And I've noticed you've been a bit stressed lately. You've been eating a lot You have I knew a stress eating joke was going to come through here Joke, yeah Comfort eating, okay, it's comfort eating Okay, and it's dumplings, it's comfort food But that's by the by, I have noticed And so has your wife But the thing is We're a minute into this and you haven't got to the point yet I want to help Oh, right, because at the moment you're making things way worse I want to help you sell your house I thought you meant help me eat the dumplings.

26:58Keyzie:Now, one of the things that is kind of tricky is getting a real estate agent. Well, it's not really. I mean, they're queuing up. Well, yeah, they're queuing up. But who's right, who's wrong? Sharks. Exactly. Thank you, Moggy. And what you're wanting, obviously, is top dollar, right? You want top dollar for your house. So I would like to offer to be your real estate agent. Yes. Right. And have you had experience? Yeah, plenty. Okay. Are you keen to go into any detail there? I want to get you top dollar because... You can't just keep saying top dollar. The one thing that I'm saying is that you're up against it a little bit.

27:33Keyzie:What do you mean? Well, for a start, your house is in Te Aratu. Okay, now... Do you want to drop the street as well just for all the listeners? You know what I mean? And, you know, for people that are not familiar with that area of Auckland City, she's not great. The hellscape. It is. They do call it the hellscape. They do. Jase, you looked so far into West Auckland, it was ridiculous. In fact, I used to avoid turning off there because when I did, I would get turned off. Because that's what you want from a suburb. It's horny from it. It's a dismal grey place. Can I just say, you do a very bad job at convincing me to be a real estate agent.

28:09Keyzie:At the moment, this is where I'm here to help, Geezy. Right, okay, because it doesn't feel like... At the moment, your house, if you don't mind me saying, is mutton dressed as lamb. I do. Is that going to be the title of the listing? You're going to put that on Trade Me, yeah. Top dollar, mutton dressed as lamb. Okay, and what you're wanting is lamb dressed as nothing, all right? Just lamb. Just a beautiful, beautiful piece of lamb with a little bit of mint sauce on it. Yum. Now, with that in mind, because I knew you'd be pretty keen for me to sort of take it on board, I hope you don't mind, I actually got the house plans off the council there.

28:46You ordered a council file from my house.

28:49Keyzie:Yeah, so I could have a look at the plans. First impression, way too many walls. Right, because it seems to have the amount that it should. And we actually got rid of a couple. Well, this is one of the things that you don't understand, Keys, is open plan living is all the rage at the moment, isn't it, Mogi? You know, your decks, your indoor, outdoor flow, your ranch sliders. So the first thing we need to do is whack out about seven or eight of your walls. Which ones? Well, we can ascertain that. But basically what you want is to be able to go into any space without any hindrance. What about the toilet?

29:22Keyzie:Oh, the toilet can particularly... A partition. A partition. A partition. As it stands at the moment, it's good because of your midnight steamers, obviously. Well, having a door on the toilet, yeah. And you want that locked in as much as possible. Yes, correct. You don't want that seeping around the indoor-outdoor flow. Likewise with the toilet in your house. Now, listen. Also, people like space. They do. They want space. They want options. Right, okay. And I'm thinking you're not utilising under your house. Yeah. No, we're not. Currently, it's just insulated. It's just a waste of space at the moment.

29:58Keyzie:You could put a little workshop under there. You could do whatever you want. It could be a cellar, a dungeon. Can I say people like high ceilings? They do. So if you take out the walls or you take out the floor, all of a sudden you've got high studs. Totally. Yeah. High studs, okay. Yeah. Well, the problem is under the floor. Just put some lino down. Lino? Is that in? Is that back in? Oh, everyone loves lino. A good bit of lino will go a long way. And you have the lino that looks like it's hardwood flooring. Yeah, right, okay. Because I've currently got hardwood flooring. So you say get rid of that and put lino down, is it?

30:32Keyzie:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So lino. So get rid of the floor. Lino the dirt. And lino the dirt. Take some walls out. And it's just little things. Just little things. Like your current garage at the moment. You've got to take the centre folds down. Jase, I'm not letting you do anything, mate. I don't trust you. I don't know what you'd be like at an open home. You'd be terrible. We should do it. Why don't we do it? An open home? No, we'll do a little role play next. Sure. Okay, cool. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. The Black Keys there on the radio.

31:12Keyzie:Radio Hauraki Big Show. This Thursday afternoon. Time is 24 minutes past five o 'clock, which means it's time for... Right on set. Sound speed. Lights. Camera. Action. Now it's time for the Big Show Improv. So the scenario as we have it, fellas, because I've offered to be the real estate agent for selling Kesey's house, that we have a bit of a scenario. Yeah. And in this scenario, perhaps you guys could be a couple coming to see a house and I'm going to be the real estate agent selling it. Keezy doesn't believe that you'd be good at selling his house. And so this would be an effort to try and disprove.

31:54That I can sell his house and get top dollar. That's right. Keezy, you're going to be able to get top dollar if you get old Hoody J. Yeah, because my current concern is like you might be as big as a house, but it doesn't mean you can sell one. You know, so I'm going to need to see the proof in the pudding if there's any left. Sure, man.

32:13Keyzie:Sure. All right. Shall we come up to the door here? Are we ready? Yeah. Okay. Ready?

32:23Okay, that'll do, darling. That'll do. I think he heard you.

32:27Keyzie:G'day. How are you going? Hi. Hi. My name's Mark. G'day, Mark. Nice to see you. Oh, you called me earlier in the day. No, it wasn't me. Oh, okay. Anyway, me and my partner here, we're just keen to have a look through the house. Sorry, your name was? Yeah, I'm Albert. Sorry about him. Nice to meet you, Albert. Nice to meet you. What was your name? My name? Andy. Oh. Okay, so just... Andy, I like that. Just confirming it. What was your name again? Albert. Albert. So it's Mark, Albert and Andy. Cool. This is going really well. Thanks so much for coming. Obviously, you'd all like a little look through the house.

33:04Keyzie:If you don't mind, actually, could you take your shoes off? Yeah, no worries. She's pretty pristine in there. And actually, what was your name again, sorry? Mark. You might want to undo your belt a bit. She's looking a bit tight. That's just not. So you're going to insult people as they come through? Are you kidding me? Oh, thanks for knowing you. Sorry. Sure, sure. I'll take my shoes off. Yeah, that'll be great. Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah. Are those prawn socks? No. Come in anyway. Come in. What can you tell us about the place? Well, it's been around for about 40 years now. it's in fantastic condition.

33:42Keyzie:Can I ask, just on that front, are you guys first-time homebuyers? What's the... Where are you at? We've got a lot of property, actually. Oh, you do? Well, we've got no dependents. We've got no kids. We've got a lot of money to splash around. Oh, OK. So you're looking at this as a sort of investment property? It's sort of an investment. I'm looking... Yeah, we're sort of looking to make as much money as we can, aren't we, honey? Right. Well, you don't want this house. You'll lose money on this house. Huh? Sorry, I've just never heard Albert call me honey before. It was quite nice, actually. I don't know if we need to tell him all that.

34:11He doesn't need to know. I don't know. There's just something about him. I just want to open up. About who? No, fair enough. I want to open up. Oh, you feel free.

34:18Keyzie:It's funny you mention honey, actually, because as you can smell, a bit of baking in the house. Oh, yeah. It's a real home sort of. Oh, you're baking some honey. Well, no, the homeowner's baking. She baked a cake. Oh, honey cake. It's not still in the oven, is it? Well, no, it's out of the oven now, but don't eat it. Have a look through here. Why, you want it all for yourself? Well, no, it's just a bit dry. Right, okay. What can you tell us about the owners? The owners, young couple looking to...

34:50Keyzie:Yeah, please go on. Looking to get up in the world. They've got a little one on the way. Oh, wow. Yeah, so they just need a little bit more space. Need some more space, do they? Yes, yeah. Well... Don't set them up to say don't. Babe Yeah so In terms of the neighbourhood What do you know about the neighbourhood? Well it is teatotoo So you know it's not great I'll be honest with you Tend to be noisy Can be a fair amount of violence going on too What are they expecting in terms of dollar? Sort of mid dollar? Oh yeah look They'll take what they can get at this point Right okay so they're desperate They're desperate So we can go in there and take it for a steal Bottom dollar?

35:32Keyzie:Just between you and I I think they've grossly overpriced it. I've told them that. So if you guys were to come in 100, 200K less than what they're offering, I'm sure that they'd actually be open to that. Yeah, okay. So, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It just seems weird because as a real estate agent, wouldn't you be trying to get top dollar for your client? I would, but this is a hopeless cause. Right. You know what I mean? So I'm one of those guys, Albert, that – What was your name again? Oh, just Andy. be straight up with you. Oh, good. I don't like mucking people around. You're saying that being straight is somehow...

36:10Keyzie:Oh, I don't mean straight isn't straight. I just mean straight up as in I'm not going to muck you guys around. You look like a lovely couple. Thank you. Very much in love. Yeah. Cool. All right. Well, look, I'm not interested personally. In what? Albert, huh? You're not interested in Albert? No, no, no. I mean, you won't want to buy a house together then. I'm very keen on Albert. but so if you could, what was your name? Andy. Andy, yes. If you could just stay away from. Sure, and scene. And scene, really good, Jase. Yeah, thank you. Really good, I'd buy that. Yeah. Well, you would, because it's way less than what they're asking for.

36:47It sounds like a deal. We were interested to begin with, weren't we, honey? That's why we came over. The scene is finished, Mogie. The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

36:57Keyzie:Yes, indeed, Harvey Danger there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show. this glorious Thursday afternoon. Now, fellas, I don't know if you realise this, but the New Zealand Comedy Festival's coming up. Are you fizzing? Frothing. It's in May, of course. We have a lot to do with the New Zealand Comedy Festival. The Billy T nomination. Yes. So how this works, right, is there are shows throughout the Comedy Festival. I'm asking you this, Jase, because you have won. Yes. You won the award. Throughout the Comedy Festival, various comedians are up for the nomination, and then one of them will get crowned the Billy T champ.

37:29And it is a crown.

37:30Keyzie:And the extraordinary thing about it is the person that wins it also gets a$200 ,000 cash injection. That's right. I don't know if that's up to date. So this guy who's in with us right now is going to be rolling in it soon. Yeah, totally. Kipling, DC comedian. How are you going, you mad bastard? Yeah, pretty good. I just want to clarify, there's no crown. It's a towel. Yeah. It's not as good as what was maybe back in your day in the 80s. Back in my day, Kaplan, we didn't get anything. I didn't get my towel, and the fellas can attest to this, till 20 years after I won it. But, you know, times have changed.

38:09Keyzie:The comedy scene's more professional now, and we certainly didn't get$200 ,000 cash if we won like you young fellas do. I mean, I'll be stoked to receive the towel, but I'm fairly certain I don't know if they even do the money anymore. Right, okay. Yeah. Where have you heard that, Jase? Because I'm pretty sure you don't get$200 ,000. Well, I was doing wheeze in the toilet just before, and I was talking to this fellow, and we were talking about the Billy T. James, just funnily enough, Kipling. Yeah. And he said, yeah, can you believe it's$200 ,000 they win now if they win the Billy Ts? But I imagine, Kipling, that's not why you want to win the Billy T.

38:44Keyzie:You want to win the Billy T because Billy T. James went to your school, and it would just be a great feather in your cap, wouldn't it? Oh, I mean, that would be the main sort of ideal. I don't know if I'm doing it just because of the school thing either. Like, I want to be good at comedy. Like, there's other stuff linked in. I'm trying to make this my job. Yeah, you're right. Like, there's not either a money incentive or just, like, a pride of Whangarei Boys High School thing. So are you saying then that you want to do stand-up comedy but you don't want to be paid for it? No, I would like to be paid at some stage.

39:18Yeah, Kipling, how long have you been doing the old stand-up for, mate? I've been doing stand-up about 2020, so like six years or so. True.

39:26Keyzie:If this isn't too personal a question, how old are you? 27. 27, okay, so you started 21-ish. Yeah. I did my first gig right before we went into lockdown. I see in your blurb that you like a bit of crowd work. Now, you don't know this, but our mate here, Mike Minogue, we call him Crowdwork Mogey. That's right. Because he specialises in crowd work. Oh, wow. Well, a couple of years ago we were forced into doing, because Radio Horeki supports the New Zealand Comedy Festival, that means that we come into the office and each year they'll say, oh, you guys are going to do some stand-up, or you guys are going to do a live show, even though we don't want to, or Keezy does.

40:06Usually they'll talk to me about it ahead of time, and I've said, yeah, yeah, sweet. Me and Jase don't want to do it, but we get forced into it. So we had to do stand-up one year, and rather than having to spend time learning something, that I would then forget, I just decided that I would just do crowd work. because it's a lazy man's comedy, isn't it? As you well know. Yeah, I think it's easily by far the light work of my job. Yes, sure. Going in there and just go make it up on the spot. Look for the weirdest looking dude. Just drag him. Preferably like the picked in RSA. You know, like late in the day, everyone's off their face.

40:37It's the right time. It's the right moment. Comedian Kipling DC, what is the key to good crowd work? Great question. Eye contact probably is a strong start. connecting with your audience, repeating what they say back to you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a classic. That gives you time to think about what you're going to say next. That's a classic Jimmy Carr sort of... Exactly, because oftentimes you don't have anything funny to say, and so you can just say the funny thing that they said and claim it was yours. Yeah, good. Most of my audience has actually done the nomination, you know, ability work for me to get here.

41:13Yeah, right, okay. So you're doing crowd work, say, hey, I'm Kipling DC, what do you do for a job, sir? And then he says, I'm a builder. Do you then say, oh, I'm a builder? And then everyone's like, no, he's not. What's that about? All right, Bob. Yeah, right. See, and then you clip that off, put that on Instagram. Yeah, boom, 30 likes. Absolutely massive. Huge numbers. It's going well.

41:36Keyzie:Now, listen, Kipling, you're doing a show in the Comedy Festival, obviously. Whereabouts and what are the dates? In Wellington I'm at Bat's Theatre Oh, one of the greats It's an institution down in Welly It is But I believe that's from the 12th to the 16th of May And then next week, after that I'm in Auckland At the old basement Oh, the basement No, no Another institution Yes 19th to the 23rd Yeah, okay Well, what we might do, Jase, if that's all good We'll go to another tune And then I wouldn't mind just grilling Kipling a wee bit more after that If that's alright Sure, man The Rack and Tours Okay The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey.

42:17Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

42:20Keyzie:Raconteurs here on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening. We've got comedian Kipling DC in the studio with us. He's also a Billy T. James nominee and he's going to be featuring in this year's comedy festival. Kipling, tell us a little bit about your show because I'll be honest with you, I've never heard of you. That's fair. My show's called Skucks Cowboys Get Lonely Sometimes Too. Yes. Nice. Sort of just, it's a bit of a narrative of my life, really, as someone who, I've recently become a Skucks Cowboy. Right, okay. As a new role, you know, I was formerly a comms advisor for the Education Review Office, and now...

43:01Now you're a Skucks Cowboy. Yeah, it's been quite an easy transition, honestly. Have you got a horse? No, I'll be honest, that part has been quite a hard asset. Is it a lime scooter you go with? Is that the... Yeah, I mean, we've just got Lyme in Wellington, actually, so it's a good, you know, things are on the up. It's exciting, isn't it? God, tell you what, Wellington is just going off.

43:21Keyzie:Hey, have you got a hat? I do have a hat. I don't have it here, which I, in hindsight, should have worn the hat. It must be amazing down in Wellington seeing so many crack addicts on Lyme scooters. Is that something to behold? It is. It's truly, well, because they've removed the fence from the waterfront now, so they're able just to go straight off. Straight in. Yeah, nice. And a good splash zone. Just quickly, we've got comedian Kipling DC with us What does the word skucks mean to you Kipling? Because that's a word that I've been throwing around for 20 odd years now And to me it's just kind of cool Chatty with the ladies or whatever Been a lot of looking into the details of this And I think best to think just Dane Rumble Yeah, he's pretty skucks And he's pretty skucks and you go, oh I get it I understand now what that is Especially the transition from fast crew Dane Rumble Into solo crew, he was skucks the whole way through It's a massive change, but he managed to handle it, which was very skucks.

44:11But also being quite good with the ladies, I think it's important. I think so, yeah. Wow, that counts you out, Ben Kesey. Oh, wow. Come on, Jase, I'm married, man. Unlike you, I don't often have affairs, all right? Sure, man. Hey, Kipling, are you good with the ladies? I've just got the one at the moment. Oh! Just got the one? Like, you own? Why, I mean... The paperwork's still in motion of ownership things. But she's all right. She's all good. Are you planning on running more than one?

44:35Keyzie:Is that what you're saying? At the moment, just the one. it's quite hard to manage and I've not got that capability I think for multiple on the go. You've been searching high and low for another option. I mean the thing is she's actually a former Miss Teen New Zealand. She used to be a teenager. Just to emphasise used to be a teenager. Can I just say can I give you some advice as an old comedian to a young fella, an up and coming star? Absolutely. You've got to be careful with that sort of stuff mate. Old Hoardy J back in the day, you know, there were the groupies, there were orgies, you know, you imbibe a few things, you get drunk on your own sort of fame and you lose all touch with reality.

45:21Keyzie:Yeah. You know, I was running seven or eight girlfriends at the same time and it became a logistical nightmare. You spent more of your time. Well, you spent more of your time making love and, you know, going from one place to the other. and my comedy as a result went downhill after that. We're still waiting for it to come back. Do you find that you're being not selfish enough as a lover in that when you're managing just seven of them? You're not focused enough on yourself or you just... Oh, well, this is the thing. He's a giver. I'm a giver when it comes to the lovemaking. The most important thing to me is my partner's pleasure.

45:57Keyzie:So, yeah, look, it just sucked the juice out of me. Yes. Almost literally. Hey Kipling DC You've got a show coming up in the New Zealand Comedy Festival How many full blown Hour long show specials have you put together This is actually only my second go at it How'd the first one go Fine My first show was called Big Dog Which is what You guys obviously know me as Comedian Kipling DC But most people in my private life Do call me Big Dog Big Dog Yeah right And so have you taken a lot of learnings from that first one for this new one? Yeah I've made it better Which was a key kind of I'm trying to get more audience in this time Crowd work Because it's hard when you do a show Like a crowd work style show And there's nobody there You're doing person work We've got one of those cactuses that you know For kids that you speak into And then they kind of mime dance the words back at you And that managed to save the show a little bit Yeah good Yeah.

46:58That blends in with the cowboy thing as well.

47:00Keyzie:Don't ever say learnings again on this show, Keezy. What do you mean? Or cactuses. Or cactuses. Sorry, guys, I didn't mean to. Two massive faux pas on live radio there. Learnings and cactuses. Yes. It's cacti, isn't it? Yes, totally. Hey, Kipling, well, all the best, mate. I'll pop in and see your show because I live just up the road from the basement. Jace is one of the great hecklers, as you'll find out. Oh, amazing. Yes. Can you just pull up your phone and grab a ticket now? No, this is what he does. He'll say huddle and then he won't. They know who I am, man. I can get you a ticket. No need, man.

47:36Keyzie:They just wave me through. Because I can get you guys tickets as well. I'd love to. Just give one to producer Dilly out there. Okay. We'll be there. Because you've got a wife. You guys could both come. That's two tickets. At this point he does. She's not into... Yeah, yeah, why not? Yeah. Yeah, why not? Sure. Go on. Yeah, 100%. Well, but having said that, Kesey, she'll be a fair way along by then, so it might be. She's not pregnant, all right? Let's wrap this up. Hey, Kipling, thank you so much. Good on you, mate. Thanks for coming in. And if you want to get tickets to Kipling's show, go to the Comedy Festival website or just Google Kipling DC.

48:12The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

48:16Keyzie:Oasis there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening. The time is four minutes to six o 'clock. Hey, fellas, next Wednesday or the Wednesday after, is next Wednesday the coming Wednesday? No. This is the coming Wednesday. So this next Wednesday is the coming Wednesday. It's the coming Wednesday. What's the Wednesday after that? The Wednesday after next. So Wednesday two weeks from now. Or Wednesday week. Wednesday week. Or a fortnight from yesterday. A fortnight from yesterday. That's better, actually, Mogi. That's good. That's the least confusing. Wednesday the 22nd of April, I'll just say that.

48:50Nice. The big show's heading down to Dunedin to the legendary Emerson's Brewery. We've had a show from there before. It was bloody awesome. One of my favourite live shows we've ever done. It's to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of Emerson's Hazy IPA, Hazed and Confused, 4pm till 7 at Emerson's, down in Dunedin, Wednesday the 22nd of April. Put it in your calendars. We want to see you there.

49:11Keyzie:And get in there early, by the way, because as we said yesterday, last time it filled up real quick. And people couldn't get in. They couldn't get in. The first 100 through the door free backbone shirt. Totally. I remember last time we were there, Jase, we went outside and we smoked a few darts. It was back in our smoking days. Yeah, man. You remember that? What an amazing memory. There's a big sort of Unitech where I live now, and I go down to the sort of local dairy to pick up some. You mean the Auckland University? Not university. It's like a Unitech that's separate from the university. and there's like 50 students out in the corner there all smoking durries.

49:51Keyzie:They're back on the darts, man. And I'm like – Well, vaping's uncool, Jase. Yeah, but that's fine. That's great. But how do they afford it? Yeah. They're students, man. How do you afford durries? I can't afford durries. You just put it on your student loan. That's true. Yeah, I suppose so. You just go into the course-related costs and you say, what do you need it for? And you just say, durries. Yes. And they're like, oh, fair enough. Here you go. And that's the great thing about a student loan because it feels like you don't even have to pay it back. Yeah, it does. And then it just blows out to like$800 ,000 when you're about 30.

50:23Keyzie:Yeah, I really enjoyed that. Hey, coming up after six, fellas, Jase is keen to bring back Soup Chat. Which I'm fizzed up for. I can't wait. The Hauraki Beat Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. You're welcome back, you massive bank bones. Hope your Thursday night's absolutely going off. You're listening to The Big Show, by the way, brought to you by Toledo's. Why pause your thirst? Defeat it with Toledo's natural electrolyte drink.

50:57Toledo's. Toledo's. Mike. Damn it. Damn it. You are so out of tune or off beat. I was getting closer that time. Jase, it can't just be my unco ears. He's clapping way out of tune. No, the clapping is all good. It's just the timing on Toledo's. Yes.

51:16Keyzie:But you'll get there. You'll get there. The tapping, I actually go from his clapping to get my timing right. Right, rather than on the Toledo's song. Yes. Yeah, right. I'm pretty true with my rhythm. Yes. Hey, what are you guys having for dinner tonight, man? That's a great question. Because I am having pasta sauce that my wife found in the pantry in a preserved jar. A preserved jar? Like a preserving jar. I heard Mum made it in a preserving jar. for years ago. And it wasn't refrigerated? Well, no, it was in a preserving jar. It's been preserved. Oh, no. So it doesn't need to be refrigerated. As long as it's airtight.

51:50Is it? Yeah, apparently it's airtight. We're having that for dinner. Yeah. How disappointing. There's no way to go.

51:55Keyzie:Yeah. That is so disappointing. Where are you eating out tonight, Jase? No, we're not eating out, actually. Actually, my wife's cooking tonight. Oh, God. Why do you have that look on your face? What do you mean? That look of disgust. Usually when there's food mentioned, you're all over it. Excuse me? What? I love my wife's cooking. Why are your fingers crossed? And, well, Kesey, at our dinner party, did you enjoy the meal? I did. Yes, there you go. I certainly noticed Mogi was enjoying it. I did. I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I was the only one that got an opportunity to go back for seconds before Jase threw it all in the bin.

52:30That's right. I love Jase's wife saying, now, I don't want to see any food left up there, and 30 seconds later, Jase is clearing the plates. That's right. He cleared it, chucked it in the bin. She got her wish. I was worried about Keezy. Were you?

52:44Keyzie:Going for his third and fourth. I hadn't even had a chance to have my second, and it was delicious meatballs on the bread which I brought. I can't remember talking about this again. Anyway. I don't actually know what I'm having for dinner, though, Keezy, but my wife did say, I thought you bought cheese the other day, and I hadn't, and so now she's getting cheese. Oh, this is a good check. So it's something with cheese in it. A cheeseburger? Is it a toasted sandwich? We had burgers last night. Could be. lucky in the meantime he's Kings of Leon The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hauraki Yes indeed Grand Lee Buffalo there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening the time is 6.31 Fellas testicular cancer is the number one cancer among young fellas here in New Zealand it is however highly treatable when caught early but people just aren't checking so we are encouraging you to check yourself reach down there feel around for lumps if you find anything a bit iffy.

53:40Oh, yes. Get in touch with a health professional and get it looked at. And to help encourage you, lumplottery.co.nz is available. It is a website set up to, first and foremost, you know, raise awareness and say check yourself. And secondly, you could win a ute. Yes. So it's worth doing. Do we know what kind of ute? I believe it's a ranger. Oh, yeah. I think so. I'll just click on the link here. Let's have a look. Yeah, no, it's not. It's a J-A-C. Oh, J-A-C. J-A-C. Far out. Yeah. J-A-C. Yeah, Jack. They're clappers. They do, man. They certainly do, fellas. Hey, it's time for this. What's on the news?

54:18With me, Casey. Fellas, interesting stuff happening over in Australia. A town named Kuladi. The entire town is on the market. Oh, yeah. One real estate purchase of 400 ,000 Aussie, so just under five for New Zealand, I'm guessing. Tell him he's dreaming. Ah, classic, the castle. It's a movie, Jase. So the entire town is for sale for less than half a million New Zealand. Oh, yeah. The town has a current population of two. Oh, who? Two ladies. And they've been running it for a few years. Is that right? But you run the local pub. Okay, you piqued my interest. No, the ladies won't be there. Oh. And you guys are married.

55:00And half a mil for no ladies. No, but you get a town, Mogey, and it comes with its own railway station and stop. It comes with a pub. Station and stop. What do you mean? A railway stop. It's got a station. Yes, a little station. Yeah, they start and stop. Yes. Well, you'd know. You're the train guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it comes with a motel as well with a few beds. You get the motel. The whole thing is included. The whole caboodle? And not only that, it's one of the smallest towns in Australia. It's 800 kilometres west of Brisbane. It's about an eight-hour drive to Brizzy, nine hours. but it has its own postcode because it's got its own little post shop there as well.

55:38Nice. And it technically qualifies as a town. Wow. And the ladies are moving out. Why are they leaving? Because one of them is like in her 70s and doesn't want to run it anymore. Right. Doesn't want to run the town. So you're saying we should buy it? Maybe.

55:52Keyzie:I mean, we could put our funds together and buy a town. Wouldn't that be cool? Let me guess. The first thing you'd put in, Keezy? A food hall. It already... It already has a pub, Jase. Yeah, but it's not a food hall. Why do I need a food hall? Because there'll be lots of different options. You need some dumplings. Your dumplings, your Thai, your Indian. You're naming all the stuff you've eaten this week. Mediterranean. Yeah, you had that last week. Japanese. Sure, we're just naming cultures now. And that way you can bring in all the punters and Keezy will be as happy as Larry. Is it population zero then?

56:27It will be. So who's running the pub? Me. Yeah. So you're buying a pub, but you're also getting a whole town and a post office. And I'm running the railway station and I'm running the post shop. I'm going to be honest. The railway station's a shack next to the train line, which I don't think runs very often. Does the pub have booze in it? Nah. Of course it does, Jase. Come on, man.

56:45Keyzie:Okay, so who bought that? Huh? Maybe the train? I don't know, man. I don't know how they're working. How did two ladies run a train station, a pub, a hotel and a food hall? What, so two dudes could have done it, but are you questioning why two ladies could have done it? Well, I just don't understand. Who are they serving? Yeah, to whom? What's the name of this place? Cool Lady. Cool Lady. C-O-O-L-A-D-D-I. How much foot traffic is there? Well, there's not foot traffic because it's in the outback. But cars driving. Apparently every night people are stopping in on their way to this other town, and so they always stop in and have a chin wag, maybe stay at the old Cool Lady Motel.

57:30Cool Lady. The Cool Lady Motel. It's got a ring to it, that does. And, Jase, of course, you lived in that town, Larimer, for a long while, didn't you? That's right, last stop Larimer. What, they used to call you Billy Light Can? Do you remember that, Jase? There's a doco on Netflix, actually. Look it up and you'll see Jase. Yes, I do.

57:48Keyzie:I was thinking about that place as you were talking about it. Only three people get that joke and that'll do. It's a Netflix show. Watch it. You'll see Jase on there. But are we keen, fellas? We could all go in on it. Yes. Well, we're going over for Magic Round. Why don't we go out there and kick the tyres? Yeah, going to have a geese. Yeah, we're going to Brisbane. We'll go for a nice little nine-hour jaunt. Nine-hour drive mostly on gravel. Yeah, on gravel. Good. And check out Cool Lady. Yeah. Sounds great, fellas. That was such a good section there that he just did. It's called a segment, Jase.

58:19It's not a section. Okay, winter soup chat.

58:25Keyzie:Here's Metallica. Tune. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. That was rubbish. That's one of the greatest songs of all time. It's Metallica one. It's one of the songs that I remember the first time I heard it. Yes. No, it is a great song. It's an absolute gem. Just jokes, fellas. Just jokes. Hey, fellas, I've got some bad news. Oh, no. Old Muggie's got a sore tooth. Oh, no. I got a toothache. Ouch. I've been getting emails from my dentist for quite a while now saying it's time to come in for a check-up, but I've been too busy. Yes. I'm a busy boy. Doing a little bit of work.

59:01Did you say you're Dennis? Dennis, yeah. I call him Dennis as my dentist, weirdly enough. Oh, his name's Dennis. Dennis, yeah. So now, of course, I've left it so long that I started getting a toothache. Can I say it's a really good name for it? Toothache?

59:16Keyzie:Because it's aching, yeah. Because it aches. It does. and it's one of those pains that just is there all the time. It is. It's an ache. It's a dull ache and it won't go away. Last night, Keezy, it woke me up. I had to get up and have a Panadol. A Panadol. Just one? Just the one. I'm trying to keep it down to just the one. Sure. And it seems to be working. The problem is that when I eat anything hot or cold, it makes it worse. Are you sure, Mogi? Can I call you Mogi? Yeah. Are you sure it's not a tooth infection? It's not a tooth infection. It's a tooth that I had some issues with probably eight years ago.

59:54And I've done some work on it, and now I don't know. I'm worried about it. Yes. Because I get the feeling, I'd hate for it to be pulled out, but I get the feeling that might be the road we're going down, Keezy. I'll bring it in for you to have a sniff.

1:00:05Keyzie:I would never have guessed. Sorry, hang on. Mogi, I would never have guessed that you've got a toothache given the amount of food you're shoving down your gullet at the moment. But you know what he's like. He uses food as an escape. Yeah, it is. It's just like it's comfort, isn't it? It's the only thing good I've got in my life. Yep, sure. So the worst things are the more I eat, which is why I eat so much in the studio. Yes. Because I hate it here. Just so that you know, just by the by, Mogi's had four dinners since he's been here today. That's about average. You'd think the tooth would slow him down a bit, eh?

1:00:38You would think that. It doesn't. You just have to have enough painkillers. Yes. So I'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning. Who, Dennis? Yeah, Dennis the Dennis. at quarter past eight in the morning. Getting in there real early. Yes, get it done. But it sets me up for the day, though, you see. Yes. I'm not too sure how it's going to go, and then I'm going to be all numb-faced. I guess what I'm saying, guys, is I just want you to keep me in your thoughts. Sure, man. Tonight, if you could, Keezy, you and your wife, and Jase, you and your wife and your daughter as well, if you could just light a candle for old Moggy.

1:01:10Keyzie:Sure, man. I light a candle every night anyway. I'll dedicate tonight's one to you, Moggy. Thanks, mate. And if you could say a prayer for me, Keezy. You're just going to get a check-up. Old Mogey. Well, I don't know. This might be the last time you see me. Could be. Who knows what tomorrow brings. Will you say a prayer for me? No. The Hodaki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hodaki.

1:01:40Keyzie:Well, there you go, you mad bastards. That's a big show done and dusted for your Thursday night. God, I hope you've enjoyed it. Hey, Keezy. Keezy, what's the podcast clip? Podcast outro clip tonight, mate. Good question, Moggy. Thanks, mate. Today's clip is about cheating. 47 % of French people say cheating is morally unacceptable. I would say that that's the case in most places. In terms of cheating? Yeah. Yeah, you're right there. About that percentage? What was that? About 30%. 30 % of women and 55 % of men. Oh, yeah, that makes better sense. Because in your relationship, it's 100 % of men and 0 % of women, right?

1:02:21Well, Jadbridge is out to 50-50, which is pretty good. Yeah, so that was just a clip of Jase talking about the fact that he's been cheating quite a bit. Yeah. Some of the details were out the gate. I was not expecting you to be so open about it. And the tough thing is we've met Jase's wife now. Yeah. And knowing that he is just cheating so much. Don't you feel bad?

1:02:46Keyzie:Well, I mean, that's just between the three of us, though, right? Give or take. Yeah. So, you know, that's all good. Oh, actually, Dilly and Studio B heard a lot of that. Oh, that's right. Dilly, you know, he'll be right. Yeah, but no one else, though. Yeah, yeah, sweet. Nobody reads the word Dilly says. Mogi, early night for you tonight, please. Oh, okay. Go home, have your dinner. Yeah. Your fifth one. and then you'll be in bed by eight, I imagine. I'd love to be, man. I'm sleeping like a sack, can I say that? Yeah, that's good. Daylight savings has got me absolutely brutalised. I'm awake at four.

1:03:19Yeah. And now I've got this goddamn cat. Yes. And the cat gets up now at four. Yeah. Because of the clocks going back there, Keezy. Yeah, right. Daylight savings, man. It's come for me. So I have to be the... Now, I never wanted this cat. Keep that in mind. But I'm the one that has to get up and feed the cat and let it outside. No one else gets up. Yeah, right. Anyone else get up, Keezy? Well, right, so you can have a brekkie. What? You can have a brekkie at 4 a.m. and then have another one at about 6. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. I will start. I'll tell you what I have been doing. I've been going into the cupboard there and sneaking the last of the Easter eggs.

1:03:53Oh, yeah. So I go in there and I wake up the cat. I get the cat up and then we go out there and I eat the eggs. Yeah. And the cat eats some of that meat. Yeah, nice. Which comes from dead horses. Yeah, nice. So good, man. What are you doing tonight, Keezy? I'm going to maybe have a bath. Oh, thank God. Wait, are you happy or are you fuming about it? I'm confused. Have you got those handles on the side of the bath that help you get out? I have one. I have one. Jeez, it'll be straining. What are you up to tonight, Jase?

1:04:27Keyzie:I'm just seeing this massive hairy belly just protruding from foamy water.

1:04:37Keyzie:It's the shadow of meat patty naps underneath Yeah, my wife, yeah Yes That is what it looks like when she has a bath Oh, God Keezy I'm sick of it That big pregnant belly Yeah, big pregnant belly, yeah Listen to that laugh That is the rattliest laugh Anyway, Jase Good stuff, fellas What are you up to tonight, man? Yeah, Jase, what are you up to? Look, I'll go for it All right We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.