FULL SHOW: Last Darts (feat. Alan McElroy)

17:19Thank you.

17:20Keyzie:No worries. Have a great day. She sounded very nice, didn't she? She was loving it, man. Yeah, yeah, totally. Absolutely loving it. What made her sound really nice, Jase? She just sounded like a very pleasant person, Keezy. What other sort of toys have they got in that boxy Keezy? There's a heap of stuff, and I think it's meant to be a surprise. Oh, okay. Well, that's what Dave said when he came in. Because I heard there was a racing car in there. Can next time when you reach in, can you do it the other way around? Because I really didn't appreciate you putting your ass in the air like that, all right?

17:48Actually, just on that, you should listen to the podcast outro today. A real eye-opener. Oh, yeah. Comes out at 7.30.

17:56Tom Petty. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from 4 on Radio Hauraki.

18:02Keyzie:Dandy Warhol's there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday afternoon. The time is 4.53, which means it's time for... What's on the telly with Mike Minogue.

18:20Yeah! Didn't watch anything last night, feels. But I did finish off a book, Brad Thorne, Champions Do Extra. Did you hear about this, Keezy? Yeah. You know about champions, man? I know about Brad Thorne. They do extra, brother. Oh, yeah? It's about old Brad Thorne. You heard about him? Yes. Mogey, can you get off? He's from down south. He was a Kiwi fella there, and then his family moved over to Australia, to Queensland, and he started playing. Buckley League. Signed by the Broncos when he was about 17. And had a bit of a weapon of an old man. Very competitive with his dad and his brother, etc, etc.

18:57Great life. Great lessons in there. It's an easy read. Ghost written by our friend Dylan Cleaver. But some good lessons in there. And he's just old school work your ass off. Give everything. Try and give back. He's a man of God. You heard about God? Yeah, man. Jesus. Yeah. Bit of chat about Jesus in there, which I don't mind actually as I get older, a little bit of Jesus chat. Absolute weapon. Look, it's not going to change. Oh, it might change your life. I'll give it 3.8 buzzies out of a possible phone. Wow, 3.8 buzzies. 3.8 buzzies. And it's not going to change your life, probably. It's probably, well, it might do because it's just good life lessons.

19:38At the end of every chapter, he sort of tells you some things that you can apply to your life, which I think is a useful thing for people to have. People think that a guy like him, it just happens. That guy works like a goddamn doll. 100%. There are two different types of athletes. There are athletes that are born with amazing talent. Yeah, a.k.a. Hoardy J. Yeah, like you, Jase. And then there are guys that aren't and have to work bloody hard. A.k.a. Keezy. And then there are guys like him that's born very gifted, 6 '4 by the time he was 17, 110 kilos weapon, and also had the work ethic. So boom, boom.

20:11A.k.a. Pug Zone.

20:14Keyzie:That's so funny you should bring that up, actually. I was taking the recycling down last night, Mogey, to the recycling, and we've got an apartment. Is this TV related? Book. You know, you can put your spare books and whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a, you know, and you just go to. A book suppository. Well, you know, people just put all the books that they've read, and it's just a kind of cart full of books. Yeah, so free, it's where you chuck your old shit books. And I picked up the one on Bodie Barrett. Oh, yeah. Called 66, I think it was called, and it was a pictorial. pictures of Bodie Barrett.

20:49Keyzie:And so I turned the TV off last night and just went through the pictures of Bodie Barrett. Just sort of Bodie Barrett going for a swim. Yeah. Bodie Barrett having a shower. With his kids. Bodie Barrett down at the beach. With his wife, who seems lovely. Oh, you like her? Based on the pictures. She doesn't like you, by the way. 4.4 buzies. Out of five. Yes. A picture book. Yeah, of Bodie Barrett. That's so good, man. I met his wife, and she's not a fan of us. I want to point that out. Yes. Because he always plays our podcast in the car. And she, yes. So, yeah, she's not a fan. Last night, fellas, I watched the second episode of Celebrity Treasure Island on TVNZ+.

21:34Oh, yeah. And can I say... Who did it? It hasn't quite grabbed me yet. It's not a murder mystery, Mogey. How good would it be if it was Celebrity Treasure Island, Kesey? Sorry to distract you. It's all right. and at the start of it, they kill one of the celebrities and then you have to work out who did it. Who done it? I'm just floating that as an idea. Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. So it hasn't hooked me yet fully. Yes. Still entertained. I'll still watch it. However, quite a funny thing happened. One of the first people to go home, I don't think it's a massive spoiler because it's the first episode, is this beauty queen girl.

22:06Yeah. I don't know anything about her. Was New Zealand a couple of years ago? Yeah, her. So she goes home and everyone's crying about it. Yeah. And they've only known her for like two hours. That's right. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, everyone that's crying about it, I'm like, you've got to miss this, you've got to miss this. I wouldn't be on TV crying because the smoke show just... That's what we were talking to Vinnie Bennett about yesterday who was in the studio and he's on Celebrity Treasure Island. But that's what I'd heard. I'd seen a review on the spinoff and they were saying that half a dozen people were crying that this person had been sent home, been on the island for four hours.

22:36What's going on? I turned to my wife and I was like, if you were watching this and I was on TV crying because the incredibly beautiful woman I had just met went home, what would you feel? And she was just like, I don't know what I'd feel. Yeah, I mean. Very funny, though. How many buzzies? I don't know. She didn't. Oh, the show. At this stage, three? No, at this stage, 2.8. But I'm going to stick it out because I love that show. Always have, always will. Plenty. Oh, no, you go. No, you go.

23:06Keyzie:Coming up after five o 'clock. Actually, I'll go. Coming up after five, another chance to get the draw for magic. No, you go. Magic round. We've got comedian Alan McElroy. Oh, that's right. We've also got a bit of mogi chat too. Oh, wow. I can't wait for that. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Welcome back, you massive backbones. Hope you're surviving your Thursday afternoon. You are, in fact, listening to The Big Show brought to you by Toledo's. Out with outdated hydration in with Toledo's. the new standard in clean electrolytes.

23:47Toledos. They're rolling out across the country. Fellas, they are available on every single fresh choice. Several new worlds as well. Devonport, Kumu, Palmerston, North Papakura, Pukekoi, Takauwhata, Waiuku, Pack and Saves across the country too. Slowly expanding the small Kiwi venture.

24:04Keyzie:Yeah, totally, mate, as they should. Everybody's drinking it. Everybody's drinking it. Well, they will be. As they should, Mogi. You know what I mean? Ah, it's bloody great stuff. Certainly is, fellas. Hey, we've got a big hour coming up. Another chance to get in the draw for a magic round. That is being drawn tomorrow at 5pm sharp. Oh, no sleep for Hoody J tonight. I'll be tense as. Really? Well, because I'm giving up the vape tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Knock this in the competition. Oh, I mean, that might sort of factor in a little bit. Whatever. Yeah. Are you genuinely with this bet? Because for those that don't know, from midnight tonight to the end of May, Jace is no longer allowed to vape or have darts.

24:40Are you going to go hard on it tonight? Nah. And also, another question. This is going for longer than just one month, right?

24:48Keyzie:Look, let's just focus on the task in front of us, Keezy. I just think, like... The future doesn't exist. There is only now. Yes, it does. So I'm just going to be focused on eating well, keeping my exercise up, having the old Nicorette gum bit, and, you know, you guys are going to have to be prepared that I might be a bit moody. Oh, I can't wait. You're always moody. This is, you know, I get to pay, you know,$100 a year or$200, whatever it might be, and I'm just going to have the time of my life. I know you are. Either win or I get 31 days of torturing Jase and you. Especially, and I think you're going to feel it the most, Keezy, to be honest with you.

25:33Jase will sort of either vape or smoke or he won't. He'll be sort of pretty laissez-faire about it, won't you, Jase? Yeah, probably. But Keezy is going to be stressed and disappointed in all sorts. I am going to, because I'm just sitting here, I just want what's best for Jase. Yeah, sure, man. I want Jase to, you know. Jase doesn't want what's best for Jase, man. Just leave Jase alone.

25:50Keyzie:Your faith has girded my loins, Keezy. What does that even mean? It's given him a wood. Is it a kid? Oh. Really? My faith has got you barred up. Is that it? And especially now that Pugs is on board as well, I'm... Fired up, fellas. Yeah, cool. There's Kings of Leon. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Yes, indeed. Green day there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening. The time, 13 minutes past five o 'clock. Five, six, seven, eight. Man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man.

26:37One and a half moogies. 30 seconds on that. That's good stuff. Hey, fellas. I got sick again another long weekend. Moogie gets sick again. My wife and daughter went down to Wellington. I was meant to go as well, obviously. I couldn't go. It was my sister-in-law's 30th birthday. Tragedy to miss out on it, but I got to stay home and do a little bit of work. Oh, that's great. So that was great. The other thing I got to do was clean my daughter's room and clean the house. But mostly my daughter's room was my focus because I hate, and Jase, you'll know this, having had four children of your own, four daughters, the accumulation of crap that you get.

27:19Yes. Your family give things to your kid, your friends give them crap, and you end up with books and toys. What you end up with, it's like that whirlpool in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that you hear about where there's like a million tonnes of plastic and garbage swirling around out there. That's what my daughter's bedroom is like. Yes. Every now and again it gets tidied up, and then about eight minutes later it's just garbage everywhere. We tried to run a thing where there was no plastic. We told everybody, no, we don't want any plastic in this house. Our house is full of plastic now. Absolute rubbish.

27:53I try and go through there and clean everything out just so you can see the floor. And my daughter knows what to do. She immediately starts crying. Every single thing that she has in her house, and I'm talking about a stick that she gets outside to some gift that's been handed down through the generations, everything is an absolute treasure. Yes. That must be held onto forever and ever. And I'm not kidding you. A stick. A leaf that she's found outside. She's got a stone that kind of looks like it's the shape of a heart. Oh, that's cute. 100%. That's cute. I didn't throw that out. But they were out of the house, so I went through it.

28:31And I think I've worked out a method of throwing things away and cleaning out the house. So the first thing you do is you go through. Now, Jess, I want to know from you. When you were bringing the girls up when they were really young, were you the person that wanted to throw things out? Yes. Yes, I was.

28:48Keyzie:Very much so. and I used to get to the point of despair with it sometimes. Yeah. Because for girls, there was so much shit. How many sticks? And you would go in, but Mogi's right, they get fascinated by all sorts of stuff. You know, and stuff they bring home from school were like covered in glue and shit. That's right. You know what I mean? And glitter. And glitter and stickers and it's just like. I forgot about the stuff that comes home from school. Everything that comes, and they've got a goddamn cheek, these schools. They get them to make all of this crap, and it's amazing. Don't get me wrong, it's all amazing.

29:24Sounds like you love it. They get them to make it all, and then they stuff it in their bags, these teachers, and they send it home. Yeah. Like I want it. Keep it in the classroom, fans. And then it's up on the walls, it's on the fridge. What am I meant to do with it? And then they get to an age where you can tell them to put things in the rubbish bin, and then they go out there and they find all the shit that you've thrown away, and ah, there's tears now. So what I've worked out is while she was away, what I've done is I go through and I throw out everything that I know I can get rid of that she's going to have no idea about.

29:54So she's moved on with her reading where she's reading like Famous Five and all pretty big books and stuff now. She's only six, but she's a genius apparently, Keezy. I don't know if I told you that. Yeah. So I went through. I threw out every single picture book. When I say threw out, I mean I gave it to the Salvation Army. Throwing it out, gone. Yes. Unless it's got some kind of inscription from a family member or something like that, then I hold it on to it. Some emotional attachment. Thank you very much. Anything that's made out of paper, it's in the bin. It's gone. Then I go through and I grab all of the toys.

30:24Now, she's got about eight million soft toys. So I take all of the ones that I haven't seen her play with for the last five and a half years. I take those and I put them into a candy stripe bag. I've got lots of those bags. Yeah. So I fill that up and then I take some of the other books that I think she might want as well. Now, I take that bag and I put it under the house. Now, for the next two weeks, at some point she asks me where one of those toys are, I can go down to the bag and I can grab it out. Yes. If over the course of the next month she never asks me anything about any of those toys, they all go down to the Salvation Army and they're absolutely gone.

30:55That place now is beautiful, that bedroom. She came home, she was overjoyed. So that is my method for getting rid of things. I want to know from people if they've got another method for getting rid of crap because it's a disgrace.

31:07Keyzie:Well, I'll tell you what happens too as they get older. It's not that. This very day I went into my youngest daughter's room. It's cups. It's plates. Yes. It's clothes. It's bucky bongs. It's the whole thing. Yeah. And I only go in there to get the plates and the glasses and I do a quick vacuum because there's so much shit all over the floor and I just go, oh, no. Most of the time now I don't even open her door. Yeah. You know, because I go, no. I'm not doing it. So what's in your room, right? So is your room just like a bed, a pack of darts? A sex wing. A sex wing, that's it. Oh, we've got a beautiful Chinese sort of cabinet.

31:50Keyzie:A set of drawers. We've got a beautiful set of sort of shelving that we have in there. Got a very nice sort of antique old green armchair. We've got our two side tables. I really regret asking this question. And a couple of lamps. What else have we got in there? and dear. Queens of Stone Age. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. Welcome back. The Big Show. Magic round three beat. Let's put another mad bastard on the bench. Yeah, big day tomorrow, fellas. We do the draw about five o 'clock tomorrow afternoon. So if you have been put into the draw, make sure you've got your phone on, eh?

32:29Yeah, that's right. If so, and you get a call from us, you and a mate could be joining us over in Brizzy there, Suncorp Stadium. Eight games of rugby league flights, a combination all taken care of. And you'll be linking up with us to have a few quite responsible ones over in Brizzy. 15 sleeps, Fielz. Is it? 15 sleeps. 15 sleeps until zero sleeps for three days. For the Fielz. For the Fielz. Just rugby league.

32:54Keyzie:I have to admit I've been intrigued by you two and your trepidation about the trip. You're both going, oh. No, but here's the thing. The problem that I've got is that my recent endeavours for smoking darts and drinking booze has left me sick. So I'm weary that I've gotten to an age now where I actually have to quit. I'm really concerned about it. I'm really concerned about it. So that's my trepidation. If I was brand new, like Keezy, I'd be frothing. Well, that's the thing. And my trepidation is I keep flashing back to the flight home last year, which we had woken up at 6am to get on this flight.

33:30You guys all got upgraded to premium economy. That was so good, man. Mania and I were back in economy with our heads against the seat in front of us. Both of us didn't say a word for about five hours because it was the worst hangover I've ever had. Yeah. Responsibly, of course. Yeah, yeah. But that's future Keezy's problem.

33:49Keyzie:Yes, true. True. It's not right now. Let's go to... Prison Keezy is ready to go to the lines. Sure, mate. They're ready to go to the lines. Let's go to the phone lines. G'day, Liam, you mad bastard. How's life? G'day, hoity. Life's good, thanks, mate. How you going? Yeah, good, thanks, mate. What do you do for a crust, Liam? I'm an air traffic controller. Wait, hang on. Hang on. Didn't you get in the draw yesterday? No, no, that was me, mate Jake. He's a shocking bastard, by the way. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you really do, mate? There's no way you're an air traffic controller. No, for real.

34:21Yeah, no, I've been working with Jake in Palmerston North and now at Auckland Tower. Oh, wow. Awesome. Well done, mate. How good, eh? Liam, just quickly, so if Jake wins, are you his plus one and vice versa? Well, he reckons that I'll miss plus one, but if I win, I reckon I might take his missus. Oh, his missus, yeah. That's good. Yeah, back by. Yeah, okay.

34:44Keyzie:Good stuff, man. Well, I tell you what, mate, you're in the draw, so make sure you tune in at five tomorrow, all right? Cheers, fellas. Oh, well, thanks. Enjoy yourself, mate. Good on you, mate. Good on you, mate. Good on you, man. G'day, Briar. Hang on. Oh, what? G'day, Briar. How's life? Oh, it's good, thank you. That's good. Tell me, Briar, what do you do for a crust? I'm a student at uni in Toyohomai. Oh, bad bone. What are you studying there, Briar? Physiotherapy. Oh, physio. Am I right in saying that Toyohomai, that's the old Bay of Plenty polytechnic there, right? Yes, yes, it is. I used to go to that polytech, man.

35:27Big things coming for you there, Briar. It's a great spot. It breeds the next generation of great New Zealanders. You all right, Keezy? You seem to be having some sort of seizure. You're freaking out, man. Are you okay? I don't know. I'm just passionate about education. If you happen to win, who would you take with you, you mad dog? I would take my dad because he is an amazing person. Oh, that's nice. Is he sitting next to you right now, Brian? Yes, he is. What have you done wrong, Brian? Brian, what's your dad's name? Dion. Dion. Dion. Oh, he's shocking, isn't he? God, he's... Classic Dion gets his daughter to call up, mate.

36:06Yeah, totally, man. He's shocking.

36:07Keyzie:I bet Dion's actually gone on... He's probably in the draw as well already. I'd say... Well, he's on house arrest, so he's probably just on the phone all day calling through. Shocking. Hey, Briar. Yeah? You're in the draw. Good luck. No!

36:24Keyzie:G'day, Todd, you mad bastard. How's life? Not bad. Howdy, just yourself, mate? Yeah, good, thanks, mate. What do you do for a crust? Ah, Chubby. Oh, yeah, bad man. Oh, yeah, bad man. Are you busy, Todd? Flat out at the moment, mate. Lucky. I, you know, I don't think I've ever spoken to a trippy who said to me they're not flat out. You've never spoken to a trippy who's not a liar. Yeah, that's true. Flat out down the pokies, drinking piss. Good stuff, Todd. Hey, if you win this prize, man, who will you bring with you? Probably my younger brother. He's just a bit of a leag nut. How much younger is he, man?

37:00What's that, sorry? How much younger is he? Oh, a couple of years, mate. Yeah, very, very. Yeah, sweet. All right. He's a shocking bastard. Yeah, good, good. Yeah, that's good. You're in the draw, Todd. You hold the line all right? Cheers, fellas. Good on you, mates.

37:12Keyzie:And just a reminder, 5 o 'clock tomorrow afternoon, we're going to draw the winner, fellas. 100%. Big shout-out to boyschip.co.nz. Sports travel made easy. They have made this entire thing possible. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole trip sold out now, to be honest, fellas. Yeah, very close, I think, Keezy. Hey, coming up next, comedian Alan McElroy. The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. Yes, indeed. Bush there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this beautiful Thursday evening. Now, fellas, we know the New Zealand Comedy Festival is kicking into gear, so we are going to be inundated with a plethora of comedians.

37:50Keyzie:We've got one with us right now. The one, the only, Alan McElroy. How are you, you mad bastard? Pretty good. I'm pretty good, you mad bastard yourself. I'm pretty good. Well, that's not what you said when you came in, Alan. And can I just know, because you did this last time, you were late. I wasn't late. I was talking to your boss, Todd. I was talking to your boss, Todd, and I'm trying to impress him because I want a job. Oh, right. This is not important. Talking to the boss is more important than this bullshit. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, that's smart. So let's blame Toddy. It's been a while since we've seen you.

38:17Keyzie:How's life? Very good. Very good. How was life for you? Yeah, great, thanks. Just moved into the city. Did you? Yeah, I got an apartment in town there and relationships going really well. Oh, my goodness. What are you going to go here? Where else are you living? I used to live in the city. It's a good place. I live in, well, I don't want to name the street because, you know, I'm a pretty big cheese around these parts. You're the biggest cheese, man. You're the biggest cheese. You don't have all the latest sayings, like big cheese. I don't want, you know, people to know my exact location. But anyway, in terms of how I'm doing.

38:49Keyzie:We can find it. You're doing good. I'm really good. My family's well, thanks, man. I'm delighted, yeah. He's got a penchant for the ramble, though. Who does, Jase? Yes, Kesey. Sorry, can we just interview Ellen McElroy? Is that all good? Why, you asked how I was, man. No, I know. And I will keep on pushing this. I want to know everything about him. Exactly. I can tell you if you want. It's mostly boring stuff. Ellen, you are here as part of the New Zealand International Comedy Festival, which kicks off, I believe, tonight. Tomorrow night. Friday night. Yeah, Friday is tomorrow. Now, last time you were in here, you had a show called Ah, Jesus.

39:19Ah, Jesus. That's right. So you are fresh from the Melbourne Comedy Festival with a new show called I Am Chaos. Is that you basically realizing that maybe you are the issue? it's always been me it's always been me and a lot of stories that have come up recently and I say long story short I went to Spain for a week because I got drunk on Christmas day and video called my family and we drank with my family and then we didn't have Christmas dinner because we got so drunk and then we didn't realise that we agreed to go to Spain for a week and then we went to Spain for a week and I upset everybody for the whole week because I was jet lagged and that's and all I kept on getting because you were jet lagged because I was jet lagged and they kept on saying you're chaotic you're too chaotic and I went that's my new show and I upset I don't even talk to half the family anymore, but I have a show and that's all that matters.

40:02So does that mean that trip then becomes a business expense? Oh, everything becomes a business expense. Can you write a joke about all of your stuff so that you can claim everything? Absolutely everything, yeah. IRD are up me.

40:13Keyzie:They're all over me. So you've just been to the Melbourne Comedy Festival. How was that? It was amazing. It was crazy. It was absolutely mental. You're gigging nonstop every single night, two gigs a night, some days more. you get a lot of lunatics yes because I forgot I got the dates mixed up so I got back from Dunedin and I thought I had a day off and then I got tagged into a message thing and said you're on tonight and I went what? In Melbourne In Melbourne so I had to I had to cancel flights rebook flights move clothes from one suitcase to another suitcase didn't even wash them when I came home my missus had to scrape me clean when I came home and then I flew a long way to go to Melbourne about seven hours or nine hours and get there and I made a video and I shared it on Instagram of me just getting a pile of socks that weren't matched and just threw it in the case.

41:05Just a silly video, a reel that we do and then there was a lady that seen me on a cruise and she flew three hours to give me a pair of socks. Oh wow! Yeah, she's a lunatic, she's mental. That's the essence of a mad woman. That's a mad woman. She had a caved in face from drugs like she had one of them sort of things. It was mental. The whole festival was insane. Was she a good kisser? She was lovely, but she didn't have a tongue. So you're just licking a stump. Good God. You said it. You brought me into this. Don't follow Moggy. He's a shocker. Never do that. We've got comedian Alan McElroy with us.

41:42He's got a show I Am Chaos at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Am I right in saying that off the back of Melbourne, man, you must be firing on all cylinders, ready to go? Bulletproof. Yeah? Yeah. I think Cardia showed you the night, a classic. They were all crap. I don't mind saying that Heavy lifting man Heavy lifting And what sort of crowds were you doing in Melbourne? What sort of numbers did they have there? They were pretty good I started doing a When you realise you're making money And that's okay I did a promo code And it was a four letter swear word And I had 11 four letter swear words And I said whatever you put in the promo code You get a discount And there was one that got a 60 % discount So then they all were trying it I'll do the same again If any of your listeners Want to come to the show Send me on Instagram A four letter swear word And if it's the correct swear word I'll get you in for free I don't even care I don't even care anymore I don't even care anymore Just fill the room Let's go mental Well there you go If you want to go see Alan McElroy live At the New Zealand International Comedy Festival Message him on Instagram Say a swear word Most people do anyway right Without the prompt No stop Yeah From out of the crowd Yeah Shall we go to a tune fellas Tuney Sure man The Hodaaki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey.

42:53Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hodaki.

42:56Keyzie:Yes indeed, BC boys there on the Radio Hodaki big show this Thursday evening. We've got chameleon Alan McElroy with us. We were talking in the break there, Alan. You've done a bit of, what do you call it? It's suddenly gone out of my head. Cruise ship. Cruise ship action. There you go. There you go. Because I've had this before, Jace, not forgetting where I am or what I'm saying, but I've spoken to comedians before who they basically, There is a role on a ship for a comedian Where your whole thing's taken care of Yes And you get paid Yeah And you just have to do Obviously your job a few nights Is it a couple of shows a night Sort of thing you do I think I don't know if I told a story last time You have to do So my first one I did two R18 shows The first night Two added shows And I swear a lot That's right you did I did tell the story Yeah And the little kid that came up And was like So I've done it a lot since And I'm right on the line With what I talk about And what I do Yeah you get one or two complaints.

43:52You're a shocking bastard. I'm a shocker. I'm a shocker.

43:53Keyzie:I could see that in you actually. Well, I can see you in me. Yeah, yeah. And so... So anyway, the last one I did, because they're quite cheap with the flights and stuff. So they booked, I had to fly from Auckland to Melbourne and Melbourne to Darwin. And I don't know how long that took. It took a long time. And then we had a nine o 'clock show that night in the theatre. And I just shared this on my Instagram yesterday, a bit of it. And I don't know if I can share the full video because I might get sacked. It's too much. I insult them too much. But half nine, I walk out on stage. Hello, blah, blah, blah.

44:29And then a couple walk out and I can see them. Straight away? Straight away. Yeah. So I chased them because I flew a day. Yeah. I chased them. You just made a massive effort. Yeah. And I'm like, where are you going? And I chased them, right? And he said, we have to go. We have to go to bed. And I made a joke saying, has the Viagra kicked in? Is that what happens? Right. Because they were quite older. and he had a jumper over his shoulder. Oh, no. I hated him instantly. Like a sweater. Was he wearing boat shoes? He could have been. I didn't look down. I was looking in his eyes. I was furious, right?

45:00So there's a bit of back and forth and he tried to take the mic off me and it was like one of them Donald Trump handshakes. Yeah, push and pull. Yeah, what are you doing? And then he said, we're leaving because you dropped the F-bomb. You swore too much. And then I said, well, F off then, right? And then the crowd laughed, so I went with it. and I jumped back on stage and I had fun and the rest of the show was the show and then the next day I kept on getting a swarm of people because on the ship and this is weird on the ship you're famous because your face is everywhere going through the screens and then when you get off the ship it's back to go it's lovely but on the ship they follow you everywhere so everyone kept coming up showing me photographs of the couple out for dinner and doing stuff and they're like hey that's that couple I'm like stop stalking the couple you lunatics right So I made a whole joke.

45:48I shared it on the thing, but I made a whole joke about, you know, he's afraid of the F-bomb, whatever he's involved in this whole pineapple situation. Ah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? And he's doing all the filthy stuff and he's all over the place. But as soon as someone turns around and goes, F me, he's like, sorry, I'm out. That's what you see what's on me. I walked away. So, yeah, and I still get people sending me pictures of the couple when they see them. Like, it's just insane. It's funny that they lied about it, but it was your filthy mouth that turned them off. Of course it was. Yeah, but I probably turned them on.

46:17Who knows? Some people have an Irish fetish. It's called a paddy foil. This is real. It's out there.

46:23Keyzie:It reminds me of a story back in the day, Alan, where a colleague of mine, a female colleague of mine, was doing a corporate gig. Yeah. And it was all very highfalutin and all that sort of stuff. And she dropped the F-bomb about 30 seconds into her set. I know who that was. And this lady in Pearl stood up and went, No! No! No! and the whole gig was basically shut down because she put the F-bomb out there. Wow. Unbelievable. Experimental. Yeah. I don't know if I can tell this story, but I did a gig for... Probably not. Probably not, but I'll tell it in that end and see what you think. I was asked to do the Variety Artist Club thing.

47:01I don't know if you've heard of that or whatever. And it's really weird. And I was told to sit with a load of magicians. That's what the love heart were in the top hat, isn't it? There's a lot of that. A lot of that carry on, right? but one of the magicians at the table now I upset half the room because I swore but the other half loved it and that was fine but sitting with the magicians they were all everyone made kept making this disappearing joke oh I'm going to disappear same joke every time but what got us me and my missus went out to the bar you had to buy your own drinks yeah that's she went out to the bar and there was a magician in front of us and he had his bank card glued between two playing cards to make it look like his bank card was a playing card and he's like whoa Whoa.

47:45And we're like, hurry up, will you? And it wasn't working because the bank card is covered by card. And in the end, he just goes, I'll just pay cash.

47:54Keyzie:Get out of the way, you lunatic. No, you're sure I am Chaos Keezy. Whereabouts, mate? What time and what date? Well, I mean, Alan will be able to give you the exact dates, Jase, but it's happening in the New Zealand Comedy Festival. When's your first date? 14, 15, just two days, 6 o 'clock, which is mental. Q Theatre vault I know 6 o 'clock 6 o 'clock it's insane Alan McElroy head to the comedyfestival.co.nz website track him down there or message him a full letter swear word on Instagram and he'll get you in there at a discount McElroy or McElroy McElroy McElroy McElroy McElroy McElroy McElroy is offensive and racist yeah come on man oh no The Hoda Ki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy Tune in.

48:43Weekdays at 4 on Radio Hodaki.

48:45Keyzie:Welcome back, you massive backbones. You're listening to The Big Show, brought to you by Toledo. Old brands are done. Toledo is taking over. No nasties, no compromises. Get them in, yeah.

49:00Toledo. New Zealand made as well, fellas. Yes. Get that foreign muck out of here. That's what Jase always says. You're a Jase, yeah. I do say that, don't I?

49:14Keyzie:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm a Kiwi boy at heart, you know what I mean? Totally. You buy New Zealand made, don't you, brother? Everything, man. Everything New Zealand made. Hey, tell you what, fellas, another chance to get yourself in the draw for magic round coming up soon. Oh, why not? So keep an ear out. Get ready to call 0800 HODAKI. I don't know if you've heard, Keezy, but we're drawing the winner for that tomorrow after five. What time? Five? Yeah. Shit. I think I might be a bit. I'm at work at five. Yeah, man. You're going to be here. So keep your phone turned on. Me? Yep. Okay, yeah, well.

49:44Definitely do that, man. I hope I win because I've won the last two years in a row. Yeah, totally. Totally.

49:49Keyzie:Hey, also, what's going on with breakfast? Because we issued them a challenge yesterday. Well, we sort of, you know, put a proposal to them. Have they responded? Have they responded? Yes. I think they have. So we'll listen to some audio on that next maybe. Oh, what a great, great idea. Thanks, man. This is a tune. This is a tune. This is Jase. Let's go, Jase. Jase, let's go. Jase, let's go. Let's go, man. Let's go. See what are your let's goes? I haven't done that in a while, eh? Go on. The hives. Let's go! The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

50:28Keyzie:Pearl Jam there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening. Now the Breakfast vs. Big Show challenge is on. We sent an idea, a proposal to the fellas yesterday a bench press competition, fellas. 4v4 with a combined weight being the winner. Whoever has the highest combined weight will win. That's right. So we've been back and forwarding about potential challenges. I think they put this one forward originally a week or so ago, and we were like, oh, yeah. But we've decided to lock it in so we can move this thing along. I believe we were pushing for all four of us, including Pugs, whereas they were pushing for 3v3 because their producer, Zoe, isn't what I would call a powerhouse.

51:11No. So let's just see what they've got to with that. You are of the opinion that it should be only the three of us sitting in this room right now, and Zoe should be excluded. I just think three on three makes a lot of sense. I think we've got three people in the studio. They've got three people in the studio. Keep it tidy. Keep it inside the studio. Is part of your concern that if we bring Zoe into this equation, who would weigh about 34 kilos soaking wet with a rock in her pocket and doesn't know which direction to press to do a bench press. She's never done a bench press in her life. But I asked her to mime it before and she couldn't do it.

51:45The issue is that if we bring Zoe in, that then opens the floodgates for pugs to come in. Yep. And anyone who's seen pugs recently will know he is in great shape. Also, you don't think women should compete in male fields? No, it's not that I don't think women should compete in male fields. I just think you've got to go like for like. Will I be doing a urine test on everybody? Yes. For drugs. No, no, for sex. Okay, but just looking at someone going number ones, that's not a urine test. Anyway, look, we're off in the weeds here. Yeah. I want it on record. I think Zoe should be in. Because that also means that if we lose, then we can blame it on Zoe.

52:21Right, so Jerry's the one pushing for 3v3. It should be 4v4. Totally. I don't like the way they use the term the floodgates open when Pugsan comes in, like he's some sort of giant river in a gorge. You know what I mean?

52:33Keyzie:Yes, yeah. Well, I mean, I understand they're concerned, Ree Pugsam, because he is our secret weapon. Well, he is our secret weapon. He is a – It's not a secret. Well, it's not a secret. Not amongst us, it's not. We know he's a beast with the weight. So I feel – you see, because I look at myself and I go, look, I'm not a big unit. No. I don't know that I can, you know, do a huge amount of weight, but I look at Pugsam and I go, well, he'll compensate me. 100 % he won. Absolutely, 100%. Here's what we do, right? And this is just an idea because Pugs aren't such a weapon. So, Jase, whatever Zoe lifts, you just lift the same amount.

53:10Yes. Whatever Ruda lifts, I'll lift the same amount. Mogi, whatever Jerry lifts, you lift the same amount because Pugs is going to make up for easily clean up Mania and make up for everything else. He was going to demo Mania. Did he say that? Yeah, he did. He was saying that he's going to make Mania look like an idiot. Wow. Yeah, he's pretty fired up.

53:27Keyzie:I mean, and rightly so. I mean, rightly so. Well, this is his field, isn't it? It is. I came in today and he was doing the old boob thing with his muscles. He was. You know what I mean? He was making them dance. And I was like, boy. I mean, I feel very, very confident that we are going to take this out with old Pugsan in the arsenal. Well, he's always – Pugsan in the arsenal there. He's always hanging out the back of a tub of protein as well. Oh, yeah, totally he is. Yeah. I've walked in many, many times and found him with a needle hanging out of his arm. because he's on the steroids. Yeah, I was going to say, there's been times where I've come in and he's felt a bit roidy.

54:05Keyzie:Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? It's like, whoa, back off there, Pugson. And that's why the temper's been getting out of control lately. Yes, yes. Oh, so when he said to me he's feeling a bit roidy, it was steroids. I thought it was hemorrhoids. Oh, no, no, no. Well, sometimes he's doing such massive weights that he gives himself hemorrhoids. You know what I mean? He just pushes out the other end. Sweet. Oh, do we need to send breakfast a message? Oh, yeah. Okay, let's do a quick transmission, and then we'll lock it in and Pugs can get back to training. Dead douche, dead douche. Big nips, Keezy.

54:39Backbone. My wife. Pug fun. Massive honker. Midnight steaming. Backbone.

54:45Keyzie:Incoming transmission from the Big Show. Yeah, morning, fellas. Big Show here. Yes, look, it feels pretty settled to us. For the bench press competition, Best combined weight wins. We're all good to go. That's right. And I think the idea was bandied about you have three attempts and you take your highest attempt. I like that. Yeah, I think all you're doing is you can keep – I think you can have ten attempts. It's whatever your highest weight is that you successfully managed to complete the press. Right, so you don't want to do the three attempts? I think you can just keep going to a stop, I reckon.

55:19Keep going until you drop it on your head.

55:21Keyzie:But, yeah, 4v4, I'm quietly confident. I'm not. Except for pugs. Pugs is very confident. Pugs is very, very confident. He is fired up. He is fired up for a head to head. Good stuff, fellas. Really nailed it. God, Pugs is getting pretty arrogant, actually. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Let's put another mad bastard on the bed. Yes, indeed. I think this will be probably, fellas, the second to last draw before we draw a winner tomorrow afternoon at five o 'clock. Yeah, we'll do a big blitz in the four o 'clock hour tomorrow. Like a chuck-a-hole, like maybe six people in the draw.

56:03Okay. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And then five o 'clock sharp, we call the winner. They join us in Brizzy in a few weeks' time. It's going to be massive.

56:10Keyzie:Yeah, it was huge, man. Let's go to the phone lines. G'day, Nick, you mad bastard. How's life? Hey, mate. How you doing? Yeah, good, thanks, mate. What do you do for a crust, Nick? Oh, I count beans. You what? You count beans. Oh, yeah. Backbone. Accountant. Yeah, nice. And who would you take with you, Nick? Were you lucky enough to win? I'd probably take the Y. Oh, absolutely. Keezy owes you one. Do I? Yeah, you do. Can you give us a bit more detail around that, you sicker? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, about a year ago we went to Symphony and Keezy was there and we bumped into him and he had a good yarn and he was a good dude and gave the girls a few drinks.

56:58Oh, yeah. Did I? It was VIP beers. Oh! 20 minutes later, the wife was in the taxi home before the all-capes even started. She was on burgers. Oh, because of my free burgers. Free burgers, free beers. Yeah. Look, it might have been the bottle of Chardonnay on the bus inn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probs, mate. Her head was probably spinning from all the facts Keezy was hitting there with. That's not a thing, Moggy. That's not a thing. Well, look, Nick, I will certainly take that into consideration when we randomly draw the winner, all right? But you are officially in the draw, mate, all right?

57:35Keyzie:Cheers, guys. Good on you, mate. G'day, Matt, you mad bastard. How's life? Yeah, g'day, Horty J. How's it going, mate? Yeah, good, thanks, mate. How's Whangarei today? Beautiful, is it? Oh, fucking lovely, lovely. Yeah, nice. Good on you, Matt. G'day, mate. Hey, tell me, Matt, what do you do for a crust, mate? Oh, mate, I'm a horticulturalist. Oh, okay. Yeah, bad brain. Bad brain. Matt, if you win, who are you going to bring, man? Oh, I think I'll bring my mate Jono, mate. Oh, Jono. Jono, he's a bad bastard. He's a totally sick bastard. Oh, you don't like Jono, though? He's a shocking bastard.

58:12Yeah, but there's a few in him, man. Yeah, well, Matt's all right, though. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? But, yeah, when Jono tags along.

58:18Keyzie:Hey, Matt, you're in the draw, mate. Hey, cheers, Horty. You guys have a great evening, mate. Good luck with the bloody weightlifting. Yeah, thanks, mate. We don't need luck, mate. We've got pugs. We've got pugs on. He's going to carry us. G'day, Blake. Blake, how's life? G'day, Phil. Hey, listen, I don't know if you've been listening to the show at all because we're going to do the challenge with the breakfast boys and it's going to be a bench press. What do you reckon about old Pugs being our secret weapon, mate? Oh, mate, unbelievable. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the punters are confident. Blake gets it, man.

58:56Mania's got nothing on old Pugs, huh? Yeah, totally, man. Totally. Pugs has a weapon.

59:01Keyzie:Pugs has been telling us that, bloody, as soon as we get into work every day. He's got nothing on me. Nothing. Hey, Blake, how much can you bench, man? Ooh, I'm sitting at 100 at the moment, you know. Nice. Hope it goes up. Easy handy, easy handy. Yeah, well, double it and you're starting to get close to pugs, all right? Just so you're aware. Fire out pugs. Yeah. I tell you, I mean, he is a weapon. Hey, Blake, who will you take with you if you win the prize, mate? Oh, it would have to be a fight to the death between the two flight mates. Yeah. Good. Fair enough. Yeah, mate. All right, well, you're in the draw, mate.

59:33You hold the line, okay? Beautiful. Cheers, fellas. Good on you, mate. Good on you, mate. You seem like a lovely bloke. Don't forget, it's three nights over in Brisbane. Free flights, free accommodation, eight games of rugby league. All thanks to boyschip.co.nz. Beautiful. The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

59:55Keyzie:Well, there you go, you mad bastards. That's the big show done and dusted this Thursday evening. Hope you enjoyed the show. What's the podcast outro clip today, Keezy? Oh, God. Great outro today. Very eye-opening. Today's clip is just called Memory, and it comes out at 7.30 tonight. Do you remember you were saying, oh my wife doesn't like it spicy in the bedroom I'm trying to go extra spicy but she doesn't want to so I've been thinking about banging dudes

1:00:23I was like is this appropriate for the podcast? and you said podcast? what podcast? and then you looked at Mogi and said Mogi you got great ass man is that what I said was it? the problem was trying to find a clip a highlight at the end of the show to play out is there's too many options That made me remember Because often we forget What happens on a podcast Yeah we do We're saying in the podcast That we often forget What happens on the podcast But then we're like Oh well I think We'll remember today's But I forgot That I actually got my ass out And showed it to Keezy Yeah you did Live That was live

1:00:57Keyzie:Well the extraordinary thing About this podcast Was that I forgot what we said In the podcast While we were doing the podcast Yes And then we reminded you That's right And then you guys reminded me And I was like Geez did I say that Did I Geez where would you be Without us Hoardy Jiz Far out Hey, Mogi, plans please for the evening? I would quite like to have a lovely dinner. Nice. Chat with the wife there. I'm reading a great book at the moment. Yes. And so I've been going to bed and I've been reading my book. Nice. And I cannot tell you how much I love this book. New Zealand book, a biography about a Kiwi guy, Bill Buckley, an inventor, a backbone of a human.

1:01:36Jeez, it's good. I'll talk about it when I finish it. Probably Monday, I reckon. I'll be all over. Yeah, nice. Yeah, good.

1:01:42Keyzie:Wow, what's for tea tonight, Keezy? Don't. I'm going to, what? If you say leftovers. I literally, no, I'm not saying leftovers. Okay, good. I'm making Big Mac tacos. Oh, it's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. You guys used to make Big Mac tacos all the time. Well, I actually love those. Yeah. Unfortunately, my wife and youngest daughter don't. Yeah, which is a shame because they're great and they're really easy to make. Yes, totally. Are you doing this off a recipe or you just know the recipe? To be honest, it's super easy, yeah. I don't need to follow a recipe. Yeah, yeah, because I vaguely remember that you used to get them in a food box of some discussion.

1:02:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1:02:21Keyzie:No, I think we got it off you, actually. Yeah, it was like a TikTok video. Yes. Hey, Jase, what are you doing tonight, man? Vaping like a bastard. Oh, yeah. That. Last night of the bet, man. You're going to be in the park all night like a sicko. And I'll be rolling out that we're having homemade pizzas. Yum. and took my wife. She had to go to five different places to find my anchovies. Oh, your anchovies? You've got a specific anchovy? Yes. Really? And I will not do pizza unless it's got anchovies. Gross. Hey, make sure you tune in to tomorrow's show. It's going to be a big one. It is a monster.

1:02:57Keyzie:We announce the winner of the trip to Brizzy with the fellas. Until then, see you later! Bye!