FULL SHOW: LIVE From Christchurch

12:35Keyzie:They're right.

12:36Mike Minogue:No, and it's hilarious. I mean, it's great. It's good stuff. I mean, it's great. It's so good. You really take to them, Keezy. Oh, and I love it. I can see why you rave about it. So today I thought the way to make it different is we can't let people know who chose which song. Right. Okay? Yes. Anonymous Throbber. Sure. Are you down? Now, we've tried this before and I'm actually the one that ruined it. Yeah, that's right. I'm always down for it, Keezy. Always keen.

12:59Keyzie:Now, in aid of the fact that we're going to be at the Wild Food Festival on Saturday, I believe we've got some goodies for the potential losers that are going to be cooked live outside in the barbecue area, fellas. That's right. So something that's a little bit different this time is the winner will have to eat nothing, but the loser will have to eat... Well, yeah, the loser will eat sheep balls, and the person who comes second last will have to eat snails. Is that what we're doing? Yes. That's right, yes.

13:24Mike Minogue:So there is no barbecue area at the Richmond Club, Jase. There is Matt, who works for Hauraki, with a barbecue on the back of the Hauraki ute. Yeah. And he's got a fresh little batch of sheep testicles. He'll be frying those up. The loser who gets the least audience sort of votes, the least raucous response, will eat the testicles. Second to last place, or second place, will eat snails. Yes. And the first person will just get to witness. Out of curiosity, which would you rather eat, the testicles or the snails? It depends on the size of both, I think. I'm not really keen on either. I'm not super keen on snails.

14:02Keyzie:Oh, look, I've never eaten balls in my life, so I actually don't mind if I lose. No. You know what I'm saying? Well, to your credit, you've never bitten down.

14:11Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey.

14:16Keyzie:Yes, indeed, a bit of David Bowie there on the radio. Hauraki Big Show live from the Credit Bar at the Richmond Club in beautiful Christchurch. But right now it's time for... What's on the telly with Mike Minogue?

14:35Yeah! I'm on my own, am I? We don't do that anymore, man. Yeah, I thought they might have. I've been watching DTF St. Louis. Oh, yeah. On Neon. Yeah, it's pretty sexy. Jacob Bateman, that fella out of Stranger Things that was married to Lily Allen, and now she's told everybody about his sexual proclivities and his deviancies. I can't remember his name. David something? Harbour. David Harbour. David Harbour. Good show. It starts off, you just think it's about some married dudes that are over their marriages and are looking to get some action on the side. Relatable. Relatable, exactly. It's sort of like the Hoity J story.

15:15They could have renamed it the Hoity J story. They could have renamed it DTF CBD. But unlike Hoity J, there's more than meets the eye. And it actually goes quite deep, doesn't it, Jase? It does, though, yes. One of the fellas ends up dying or getting killed, and then you're on an adventure to find out who's done it. Four buzzies out of a possible five so far. I'll let you know how we go. What's that on? That's on Neon, man.

15:37Keyzie:Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Funnily enough, I was in the hotel room today, contemplating how to get rid of the steamer and the toilet there, and I was just flicking through the TV channels, as you do.

15:47Mike Minogue:Sorry, did you think that maybe you'd come across a TV show that would teach you how to do it?

15:51Keyzie:Well, no, I was trying to distract myself from the fact that there was a steamer in the toilet right next to my head. Am I right that in the end you put it in the kettle? Yeah, I put it in the kettle. I was desperate. I was desperate, Mogey, to do something with it. And I was just flicking through the channels and then they had like special movie channels. Stumbled upon a movie, Throbbin Hood.

16:16Keyzie:What's that about? Oh, look, I can't really tell you. I mean, I only watched the sort of, you know, how they have a little package of what the film's sort of about. That's all I needed, really.

16:26Mike Minogue:I think I've seen... Isn't that the one where the dude robs from the rich and then gives it to the poor?

16:31Keyzie:Yeah. Yeah, it's something like that, Kesey. Very, very enjoyable. Look, I'll give it five buzzies.

16:40Mike Minogue:How long do you watch it for?

16:41Keyzie:Oh, about three minutes.

16:44Mike Minogue:Fellas, last night on TVNZ, I watched Location, Location, Location. Oh, God. Come on, man. What? I love location, location, location. I think the two hosts have got great chemistry. Isn't your wife attracted to one of the hosts? No, that's Grand Designs. Oh, Grand Designs. New Zealand, not the UK one. Right, okay, yeah. Yeah, not the old bull dude. But yeah, honestly, great TV show. If you're in the market looking for a house and you watch that, it gives you really good insight into how to negotiate and stuff and what to look forward to. Oh, you know, they want this. Boom! Yeah.

17:21Keyzie:I think you and your wife would really enjoy Throbbing Hood, actually, Keezy. You don't know what my wife likes. Look, I'm sure she'd like it. You certainly would.

17:30Mike Minogue:No, I know. I've seen it. Honestly, I'd give that episode of location, location, location, three and a half busies because they couldn't find a house for this one couple. Yeah, what happened at the end? They just weren't sure. The couple weren't sure. But they'd help them sort of figure out what they wanted. So it was a bit of a letdown, you know? It was a bit of a letdown. Not as good as it usually is, but yeah, location, location, location. Maybe you've heard of it. TVNZ, highly recommend.

17:53Keyzie:Yeah, good stuff.

17:53Mike Minogue:No nudity, though, Jay, so you won't enjoy it? I certainly won't. What have we got there, man? What's coming up there?

17:58Keyzie:Why is it so small? I can barely read the bars. A bit of white stripes. Yeah.

18:04Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey.

18:09Keyzie:Yes, indeed, the white stripes here on the radio. Hauraki Big Show, this glorious Thursday afternoon live from the Credit Bar at the Richmond Club in beautiful Christchurch City. Plenty coming up after 5 o 'clock, including the throbber.

18:21Mike Minogue:That's right.

18:22Keyzie:Where you get to decide, the live audience gets to decide who chews on testicles and eats a snail.

18:29Mike Minogue:That's right. Whenever we do a live show, even if it's a Thursday and not a Friday, we do a throbber and the locals vote by making noise and there is punishment. Today, because we're here for the Hookatooka Wild Food Festival, which is happening this weekend, we've got testes on the barbecue as we speak and snails. First place doesn't have to do anything. Second place, snails. Third place, testes. That's what we've agreed on. Yeah, it's a deal. It's also an anonymous thromber. You won't know who's chosen which song. You'll have no idea. So that way Keezy doesn't end up eating testes again. No, that's what's coming up after five.

18:58Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Beat Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

19:04Keyzie:Live from the Richmond Club Critic Bar, it's the Hauraki Beat Show. Beat Show. Yes, indeed. Welcome back, your massive backbone. Soap your Thursday's absolutely going off. We live from the critic bar at the Richmond Club in beautiful Christchurch. Beautiful day outside, fellas. But now it's time for the throbber. And we've made the decision that the second and third places in this particular throbber, the second place has to eat snails. The third has to eat sheep testicles. Is that right?

19:37Mike Minogue:Yeah, that's how it's going to work. We need punishment. We need jeopardy, especially when we're on the road doing a live show. and even though I've lost the last three, I believe, and had to do the worst stuff, I'm still here and I'm up for it. There's something about being in front of a live crowd that really, you know... Chees you up. You'll profit, aren't you, brother? But the good news is that won't be me today. So how is this actually going to play out? Is our producer back in organ just going to play all three? Yeah, so what we're going to do is we've got Tony back in the studio there. He is just going to anonymously play three snippets of songs.

20:09Mike Minogue:They have been chosen by one of us, basically. and the key for us fellas is just to keep it anonymous.

20:14Keyzie:Yeah, just keep that blank stare so no one gets an idea.

20:19Mike Minogue:So don't react to any of them. Don't give it away and then the audience here will vote shortly. Right, guys. Every song is the best. All right. So Tony, if you are listening, mate, feel free to play a few snippets of each song.

20:51Bit of head like a hole there? Bit of head like a hole?

20:53Keyzie:Yeah, is that who it was? It's one for the taggers, another for the one for me One for me What? Fratalities? Bit of Fratelli? Alright.

21:27Mike Minogue:Shafing. Bit of Shafing. Yeah, nice. All right, so you've got Head Like a Hole song, one. You've got the Fratelli song, number two. You've got Shafing song, number three. We'll get the local audience here to just mull it over. What are you thinking? We'll go to a tune. It'll be back shortly.

21:44Keyzie:Are the testes being cooked as we speak, Keezy?

21:47Mike Minogue:They're on the barbecue. Okay. And I've been told they've been seasoned with gunpowder chilli seasoning. Whoa, I agree. Yum. Pill jam?

21:57Keyzie:Yes, I think so.

21:58Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

22:06Keyzie:It's the Hauraki Big Show's Friday Throbber. Doos, doos. Oh, damn it. I forgot two. I think we just found out some slightly disturbing news, by the way, fellas. It's not sheep testicles. It's cow testicles. Which is bull testicles. So they're a little bit more substantial than your lamb testicles.

22:31Mike Minogue:You know a kettlebell?

22:32Keyzie:A kettlebell, yes.

22:33Mike Minogue:Two of those. Yeah. Big bastards. And you're going to be hanging off the back of one after this throbber. Yeah. If you've just joined us, it's Thursday, but we are live in Christchurch from Critic Bar at the Richmond Club. We're doing an audience participation throbber. We each pick a song. It has to impress the locals. They then vote by the amount of noise they make for each song. Today it's 100 % anonymous too because I have lost the last three times we've done this and I've eaten and drunk all sorts of stuff and I want that to stop. So once again, this is how it'll work. we will play snippets of all three songs back to back to back.

23:05Mike Minogue:We will then go to the audience. They will make noise based on which song they like the most. The winner won't have to eat anything and we'll listen to their song. Second place, we'll have to eat snails. Third place, we'll have to eat bull's testicles. Bull. Because it is, of course, in celebration of the Hooker Ticker Wild Food Festival. Right on. Good stuff, Keezy. All righty, Tony, hit us with the three snippets, brother.

23:40Mike Minogue:Head like a hole there, song number one. Yes, indeed. Comfortably shagged.

23:54Mike Minogue:Fratelli's there, Chelsea Dagger. Couple of good tunes so far there, fellas. She ain't gonna look out of you

24:02Keyzie:Let that song go through Don't think that notion It comes true in the blue It's the power of the force And television coming through for you

24:13Mike Minogue:Shapy's Dutchies, the unofficial anthem of New Zealand. All right, so it's time to get the audience voting. Here we go. All right, so who votes for song number one, Head Like a Hole, Make Some Noise? Pretty good. Pretty damn good. Who votes for song number two, The Fratelli's Chelsea Dagger? Yeah! Ooh. And who votes for song number three, Shapeshifter, Dutchies? Yes. All right, so who do we think? Pugs, actually, you're impartial. Who do you think? So song number two won? No, no, no, Chelsea Dagger, The Fratellis won. Pugs, yes? Yes?

24:54Mike Minogue:Who do you think came second? Was it Shapeshifter? Three. Shapeshifter was third. Here we go. He's called it. Pugs, I need you to be decisive here, brother. You're on live radio and you're mucking around. Third. Third. Third head like a hole.

25:11Keyzie:Bullshit.

25:12Mike Minogue:Second is Shapies and first is the Fratellis. Yes! Woo! So, just to clarify, Hoity J is eating bull's testicles. And Old Mogey is eating snails.

25:26Keyzie:I'm pretty sure, actually, that I came in second there. Too bad. Oh, what, man? Yes! Unfortunately, your opinion doesn't come into it, Hoidi J. I don't think, look, there's no real winners here, James. No. You and I are having to eat, you know, snails and bulls, testicles, and everyone else here has to listen to the Fratellis. Yeah!

25:50Mike Minogue:This is a tune, New Zealand. Turn it up. The Friday's Robber on a Thursday. I think it's Hoidi J. Testicles, bogey eating snails on the Hauraki Big Show. Get it, didn't you? The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey. Fratelli's there on the Hauraki Big Show. I'll start this break because Jason and Mike aren't ready yet. We're down at the Richmond Club there, Critic Bar. If you're in the area, come on down.

26:12Keyzie:You are joking.

26:14Mike Minogue:This reeks. If you've just joined us, we've just had the Friday Throbber. Anonymous version, so it was based purely on musical choice. I won there with Fratelli's Chelsea Dagger. As a result, because it is the Hukatika Wild Food Festival.

26:27Keyzie:Oh, God.

26:28Mike Minogue:The last place person has to eat bull's testicle. Hoere J has lost. How big is that, Hoere J? How big is that testicle? Now, I tell you what, Hoere J, you've got a choice. Because what we've got here... Put it down. What we've got here... That is so disgusting. Now, I'm prepared to give you the option, Hoere J, and see how you feel about it, Keezy. Now, you can either chew on that and swallow it, or just put this one in your mouth and suck on it for 10 seconds. No, no, no, no. I've heard that one before. I think you just have to eat a piece of the testicle there. It's what I had to do last year.

27:05Mike Minogue:For those listening, it is the size. What size is that, Hoody J? How would you describe it? The size of a human testicle. Yeah. And it's on the end of a stick there. It's been seasoned. At the same time, I'm going to be ripping into this delicious snail. Before you eat that, though, fellas. Oh, look at that. Yeah, so Moggy's got some snails. They've been raised on carrots. I've actually got a full rundown here. We'll do them one at a time, though. Before you eat that, Jase, I'll just give you a quick spiel as to where the mountain oysters have come from. Normally these are barbecued and very salty, okay?

27:35Mike Minogue:But they have seasoned them with gunpowder chilli seasoning. Oh, good. So before you eat it, just imagine these bastards swinging between the legs of a bull for the last few years there up in the open pastures.

27:46Keyzie:I'm not very happy, Kesey, about the big massive vein running down the middle of it, to be honest. Yeah. That's kind of gross.

27:54Mike Minogue:Yeah, it is pretty full on. But Hoity J's got a piece of testicle there. And I'm going to do mine at the same time. I'll bug it if I'm waiting for him. All right, so you've got snails that have been fed carrots for a couple of weeks. They then have orange poos, but then they don't feed them carrots for the last week so that the orange poos are gone. I'm really looking forward to this. Let's get a countdown from five, and then Hoity J and Mogi will eat a mountain oyster and some snails, all right? Five, four, three, two, one, go. Get it down, you Hoity J. Oh, it's on the microphone. Swallow it.

28:31Jase is loving it. Jase, you're not meant to swish it around your mouth like that, man. You're meant to just chew it and swallow it, brother. You're not meant to enjoy it that much. Swallow it. I need to see your mouth, mate, afterwards. Oh, he's loving it. He is absolutely loving it. Tell you what, the snails are good eating. You can do it, man. Eat it, hoity jake. Oh, it's a lot. It's a lot to wrap your mouth around, Jase. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J. Hoi D.J.

29:03Mike Minogue:Just swallow it. What are you doing? For those listening, he's taken his headset off. He's been chewing for about a minute. Easy to get through if you just pop down on your knees there, Jase. Come on, Jase. You've got to swallow it. He's done it. Has he done it? No, he hasn't. He's still chewing. He is still chewing. It's a sinewy. It's a sinewy. He's caught on the vein. Honestly, he's still, for those listening, I'm so sorry, Horty J is still chewing on the bull's testicle. Still chewing, still chewing. This would be so much easier if he didn't have false teeth. How many buzzies out of five, Jase?

29:43Mike Minogue:He doesn't have a microphone on, so. He's done it.

29:50Mike Minogue:He's done it. Once again, for those listening, if you've just joined us, Hoardy J is in Christchurch. He's just eaten a mountain oyster after losing the throbber. I'm just looking at the face of a woman out here in the crowd and what little respect she had for you, Hoardy J. She's lost all of it. What little respect I had for myself, I've lost all of it.

30:08Keyzie:Too murky. I tell you what, that was good eat. You know what I'm saying? That is so disgusting.

30:20Mike Minogue:It's not Moorish?

30:22Keyzie:There's plenty more where that came from. It kind of tastes like sort of liver, but with a sort of testicular kind of aftertaste. Sure. What does that taste like? Come on, Keezy. Well, you know that, Keezy. Come on, man. Come on, fellas. How was your snail, man? It was good as gold. Yeah, I loved it. I'll go back for more, actually. Seriously? You should actually have one of those, because they're really good.

30:45Mike Minogue:Have a snail, man. Compared to, I mean, it'll help. You should have some bull testicle. It'll help wash the balls down, Jase. Oh, that's bloody good. Yeah, it's good eating, isn't it? Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that, mate. If you could just speak into the mic, that'd be good. There you go.

30:57Keyzie:I mean, why don't you have a little chew on that, Keezy?

30:59Mike Minogue:Nah, well, good, man, for the listeners. Hoody J is holding up the biggest testicle you've ever seen in your life. Oh, God. Well, that was good fun, fellas. Yeah, good stuff. Another Thursday throbber. Yeah. Hoody J ate a testicle. How good. It's the offspring of the big show. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

31:20Keyzie:Live from the critic bar at the Richmond Club here in beautiful Christchurch.

31:26Mike Minogue:You all good, man?

31:26Keyzie:No, I'm not all good, Keezy. I've got a bit of a churning stomach at the moment. I've got little bits of bull testicle floating around my mouth. So, no, I'm not great. It's odd. There's a melancholy that's settled over the critic bar here. There is. Everybody feels a little bit worse for what they've witnessed, I think.

31:45Mike Minogue:Yeah. It was pretty feral. So, if you've just joined us, Hoody J lost the throbber. He chose an absolute shocker, as per usual.

31:52Keyzie:Head like a hole and not a shocker, right? It's a great tune, comfortably shagged.

31:57Mike Minogue:It is a great tune. And as a result, Jase, you had to eat bull's testicle. Yes. Mogi came second and ate snail. But, Mogi, you just wolfed it down. I wolfed it down, man. No issues there whatsoever.

32:08Keyzie:I was always told by my grandparents that you had to chew your food 32 times. That wasn't 32 times.

32:14Mike Minogue:That was more.

32:15Keyzie:That stuck in my head. And I also have to add, it was very sinewy. So there was bits of sinew in there and a kind of what I can only describe as a milky pussiness to the overall texture of it with a sort of fragrance of a bull in a paddock. You know what I mean? So she was a hell of a combination, but I did it. Would you do it again?

32:39Mike Minogue:No. Because the interesting thing is, right, like you'll eat steak, no worries. You know, eat some brisket, other parts of the, you know.

32:46Keyzie:Love a liver, love a kidney. Yeah. You know, love, what are they called, chicken livers? Yeah. All that sort of stuff.

32:54Mike Minogue:Yeah, chicken livers traditionally in a chicken, not a cow. But when it comes to the knackers, it's just one step too far for you.

33:01Keyzie:I'm actually looking forward to the Wild Food Festival. I mean, I've heard you guys bang on about hoo-hoo grubs and how foul they are. My cousin and I, back on the farm in New Plymouth, used to crack those bastards open all the time. No worries. We used to spread them on our toast.

33:16Mike Minogue:What? Hoo-hoo grub?

33:17Keyzie:Yeah, hoo-hoo grubs.

33:19Mike Minogue:Right, so you'd be down to eat some more.

33:20Keyzie:Well, I mean, if I can eat bull testicle, I can eat anything, I reckon.

33:24Mike Minogue:Seriously, how close were you to throwing up? Very close, Keezy. I went outside with Jase afterwards there, and he was hoiking up hot saliva into a drain. Yeah, wow. That was how much he enjoyed it. Not again. Not again. Can I also just say how thrilled I am to not have lost? Yeah. I am so happy. Yeah, how do you feel? That's not a normal feeling for you, Keezy. No, it's not. Because people think it's funny to make Keezy eat testicles and stuff. Jason and I were having a chat outside, actually, and we were thinking moving forward that the anonymous way of doing it is not the go. Yes. Oh, okay, isn't it?

33:56Mike Minogue:I think there's something there. There's something of merit, certainly with a live show. And I'm not going to lie. I was sitting at home with my wife last night. My wife. And I was workshopping ideas with her. And I told her, because at the time, just a little peek behind the curtain, the original punishment was going to be drinking a shot of bull semen. And I said to my wife, I was like, I cannot do that.

34:18Keyzie:Oh, I'd happily do that. Yeah, but you're used to it.

34:22Mike Minogue:Whereas I was like, what do I play? And I workshopped a few songs with her and she said, do not play that song, do not play that. No, it's not the right place, it's not the right time. And then I played the Fratellis and she was like, yeah, I think that's the one. Oh, man. And it worked.

34:36Keyzie:So it was actually your wife that won the thrower for you rather than Keezy. What do you feel about that? Asterisk. Asterisk. That is, that is. There's an asterisk on that one. Well, I think you should chew on some bull testicle, Keezy, having learnt that knowledge, mate.

34:51Mike Minogue:Well, to be honest, I would, except for Jasper, who's a sick individual who's here tonight. He actually grabbed the whole testicle and ate most of it. Yes. And cleaned up the plate. So there's none left for me. That's a shame. But do I get an asterisk because my wife actually won the throne? Well, of course you do. Okay. Hey, coming up next, I've got no idea, actually. The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey.

35:15Keyzie:Yes, indeed. Nirvana there on the radio. Hauraki Big Show this Thursday afternoon, live from the Critic Bar at Richmond Club in beautiful Christchurch City.

35:25Mike Minogue:That's right, Jase. We are down here. It's the official warm-up party for the Wild Foods Festival, which is happening in Hookaticka this very weekend. Tomorrow we're riding the Transalpine Train across to Greymouth there.

35:37Keyzie:Yeah, we asked Arkeese because I know that you were getting, you were very excited about getting stuck into the caboose.

35:43Mike Minogue:Well, yeah, it's not, you know, I've never been in the caboose before. You know, I've tried. Yeah. But to have official permission to go in the caboose tomorrow on the train. Yes. Very exciting. I've heard good things. Yes. And, of course, you know, the official warm-up party brought to you by our friends at Monte. So if you are in Christchurch, Richmond Club, Critic Bar, come on down. Fellas, also, just another piece of housekeeping. the hotels we've been put up in because Hodaki hates us have coin-operated toilets in every single room. It costs 20 cents to flush the toilet. Just letting you know that we've had a hat out here on the table and people have been making donations.

36:19Mike Minogue:23 20-cent coins have been donated. How good. 23 steamers, you know, with the six of us here from Auckland. Average that out, that's what, like four steamers each or something? Yeah, that's about right, yeah. So very much appreciated, fellas. Speaking of money, just sort of wondering, how do you fellas approach a situation where your friends, and usually it is your mates, they owe you money. Right, okay. What do you do in a situation where your friends, it's not$10, it's more than$10, and they haven't paid, and you've asked them, and they still haven't paid. What do you guys usually do in that scenario?

36:52Mike Minogue:Because I'm facing that situation. Are they good mates? Yeah, they're all, yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. I mean, I've known them for about five years now. Yeah. So I'd say we're pretty good mates. Yeah, I'd let it slide, man. Yeah.

37:05Keyzie:I mean, how much are we talking here, Kesey? Well, it's 50 bucks each. Yeah. Right, okay. There's two of them. In that scenario, I'm with Mogi there. I mean, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Right. I'm not worried.

37:16Mike Minogue:It's more the principle of the...

37:18Keyzie:Well, you know what I mean. Principles. It's not worth getting sort of stressed out about. You know what I mean? Right. What price your own good mental health and sanity? Just let it go. I mean, 50 bucks here, 50 bucks there. What does it matter? You know what I'm saying? It all comes out in the wash. It does come out of the wash, Monkey. Well, I don't know if it does because... And you've got your game of two halves money, you know, going on as well. And your season one ditch money. And your season one ditch money.

37:42Mike Minogue:There's two very niche TV shows that I haven't been on recently, fellas. The money is starting to drop. And the thing is, for me, Jase, 50 bucks is a lot of money. I know that's nothing to you. Yeah. That is piss all to you because you're on Dog Squad money. Yeah, totally. And if you haven't seen Dog Squad, it's a great show on TVNZ. but I've asked them for money they haven't paid me back I just like I need the money

38:07Keyzie:times are tough fellas well you've got a kid on the way I don't have a kid on the way stop saying that I can understand that I mean you want to feel financially secure don't you Moggy you do but I don't know the thing is when you have a kid Kesey and you'll find this out when it happens thank you no if it happens you're going to need your friends around you to support you, to help you look after the kid, to take the kid off your hands, all those sorts of things. If you start losing friends because you're trying to get 50 bucks off them, I mean, you're sort of cutting off your massive honker to spite your face.

38:44Yeah, totally.

38:45Keyzie:Right. Can you imagine your wife, you know, she's got little Keezy on her knee there.

38:50Mike Minogue:I'm not naming the kid Keezy.

38:52Keyzie:And I'm also not having a kid. And she's, you know, bobbing little Keezy there. He's finding it hard to keep his balance because of the honker. It's so massive.

39:00Mike Minogue:Do not bully my unborn child, please.

39:03Keyzie:You know, and tears are pouring out of her face because she wants to go out and have a nice night with her husband, but none of her friends will babysit the kid because, you know, Kesey banged on about being owed 50 bucks a year or so previously. You know what I'm saying?

39:20Mike Minogue:Right, okay. So you're saying just let it slide? Totally let it slide, man. Right, so you guys aren't paying me back my 50 bucks then? You've got no chance. Oh, okay, that's bullshit. It was for Pugs' birthday present, man. Hey, and it was a great present too. Pugs, you're welcome, brother. No, you're welcome. From me and little Keezy. Who doesn't exist. The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Keezy.

39:47Keyzie:Queen to the Stone Age there on the radio. Hauraki Big Show live from the critic bar at the Richmond Club and Christchurch in association with Montese. It's a sort of pre-party to the Wild Food Festival, fellas.

39:58Mike Minogue:That's right. We're heading over to Grey Mouth tomorrow on the Transalpine, which is a train, six-hour train journey. Feelers, beautiful. One of the most beautiful train journeys in the world. Am I missing something here? No, absolutely beautiful. No, I just looked over at me old mate, Hoardy Jisbot, over there, and he is there struggling out the back of Chomping on some bull testicles. Yeah. He's sitting there giving himself a massage, just rubbing down his legs. Jase, can I be honest, man? Your eyes are starting to water, and I'm not entirely sure that you are not going to puke.

40:28Keyzie:Yeah, look, I'm doing everything I can at the moment not to puke, Mogi. Yes. It's just sort of floating in my gut as we speak. I mean, what do you wash bull testicle down with? You know what I mean? And then Pugs-san comes up to me and he's like, oh, do you want something to eat? Want some chips or something? And I was like, Pugs, I just ate a bull testicle for God's sake.

40:49Mike Minogue:He's full.

40:51Keyzie:He's full as a bull testicle.

40:52Mike Minogue:He's full as a bull. And when you say you're doing everything you can not to vomit, all you've done is eat Nicorette and drink coffees.

40:59Keyzie:Yeah, well, you know, needs must, Kesey, needs must. If you see Hoity J sneaking off to the toilet, make sure you follow him in with your video cameras on. Yeah, great stuff. Yeah, film Hoity J in the toilets, good stuff. Thank you. Now listen, coming up after 6 o 'clock, a massive crowd. That boss testicle. A massive crowd favourite.

41:20Mike Minogue:What's on the dinner with me, Kesey? It's actually What's for Tea with Me dinner. With me, Keezy. With me, Keezy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is coming up after 6 o 'clock. So if you are having dinner tonight, why not text through on 3483 and tell us what you're having. Every text in the drawer for$50 cash, cash, cash, thanks to Toledo's. 3483, what is for dinner? Also, fellas, a few shout-outs here. Yes, great. If I may. First shout-out to Ben and Grace, who are in the crowd, just got engaged. Ben and Grace are in the crowd. Congratulations. They're on the hammer tonight. Yeah, good on you, guys.

41:58Mike Minogue:Congrats. Backbone. You got yourself a winner there, Grace. He's got the Hoity J T-shirt on and the City of the Ship hat. Good on you, mate. It's not too late to back out. Also, Neil. Happy 40th birthday to Neil. Where's Neil, you backbone? He's a big fan, old Neil. He's a big fan of Aston Villa as well. Oh, yeah, good shit. Shout out to Neil. Good on you, Neil, you backbone. And also, we had a request for a song earlier. I tried to get it done. The boss said no, but a nice bloke in the corner here is celebrating his wedding anniversary with Julie Stooley. Oh, how good. So, congratulations. Am I wrong that it's the 40th?

42:34Is it the 40th? I think it's the 40th wedding anniversary, yeah.

42:37Mike Minogue:And he's at the pub watching the big show. What a way to celebrate. And by the way, yeah, if you do have any shout-outs, 3483. But most importantly, what are you having for dinner? 3483. Give us a text. You can win yourself$50. The Hauraki Beat Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

42:56Keyzie:Live from the Richmond Club, Critic Bar, it's the Hauraki Beat Show. Beat Show. Sure bloody is, and it's great to have your company this Thursday afternoon in beautiful, sunny Christchurch. You know, a lot of people give Christchurch a bit of jip, fellas. Yeah. You know, they make comments like shithole. Yes. I've heard you say that before but I Christchurch if I had the chance to live down here I'd be down here in a jiffy

43:25Mike Minogue:well it's pretty easy to organise

43:28Keyzie:right okay so we could get you

43:29Mike Minogue:down here pretty quick I mean we all know I want to move down here well yeah

43:32Keyzie:I know that you want to do that Kesey but I don't want to you know stomp on your ground

43:36Mike Minogue:I don't need a whole city to

43:38Keyzie:well you know with the amount of kids you're going to be having it's you know you probably do need a bit of space well I'm not

43:44Mike Minogue:seriously okay fellas no seriously We have a lot of fun here on the show, right? Yes. We have a great time. You have a lot of fun at home too. Making babies. We just needed this whole Kesey's having a kid thing. We just need to nip it in the bud if that's all good. And I never ask that often. Does your wife know that you're not interested in having kids, Kesey? No, I'm interested in having kids. It's just I don't think that, you know.

44:07Keyzie:Well, maybe if you didn't want to have kids, you should have nipped it in the bud a little bit earlier, Kesey. You know what I'm saying? Because I know. No, I'm not going to go there. No, go for it. No, no. No, I'm not going to go there.

44:19Mike Minogue:Yeah, right, okay.

44:20Keyzie:But I'm really excited about it. So is my wife, you know. She's very excited about seeing a little Keezy popping about the place.

44:28Mike Minogue:Should we run like a, oh, what should Keezy name his kid? Yeah, that's a great idea. That's a really good idea. 3-4-8-3. My wife will love that.

44:36Keyzie:Yeah, I'm sure she will.

44:37Mike Minogue:Yeah, yeah. 3-4-8-3. No, actually, no, we're doing a different segment. 3-4-8-3. What are you having for dinner tonight? mate. See, that's the kind of content we should be doing. Yeah, yeah, sure. That's quality. What's for dinner? 3483 text us. You're instantly in the draw for a$50 cash injection. Thanks to our mates at Toledo's. So do get stuck in. We'll be doing that next, fellas. What's coming up next, Jase? I can't see. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

45:10Keyzie:The Pumpkins here on the radio. Hodaki Big Show this glorious Thursday afternoon. But right now it's time for...

45:17Mike Minogue:Oh, yeah. Hey, guys. Text here from Steve. What's on the tea with me? Dinner with me, Keith. That's good. Yeah, it's just... That's good stuff. The best name ever for a segment. Formerly, what's on the dinner? Wait, what's for tea with me, Keith? Yes. I can't even remember anymore. Basically how it works is you text in on 3483. You tell us what you're having for dinner. and you go in the draw for a$50 cash injection thanks to Toledo's, which is bloody exciting. Now, the issue we've got here, fellas, is people have started, instead of texting of what they're having for dinner, texting through the names of what my first child should be.

45:52Mike Minogue:Little Keezy. Little Keezy. So do we want to do what's for dinner or do we want to do what Keezy's firstborn should be?

45:57Keyzie:We'll do a mix. Yeah, a combo, I think, there, Keezy.

46:01Mike Minogue:Okay, all right, this is good. G'day there, fellas. Kerry here. Kerry Packer Kerry Packer Who's that? He's the head of News Corp Australia Pretty niche It's Kerry Packer G'day there fellas He started the cricket No that was Murdoch He started the cricket Oh yes he did too Kerry Packer

46:26Keyzie:Yes The one day game And the coloured clothing Right okay G'day there

46:31Mike Minogue:Kerry Packer here For tea tonight Right, classic cheese toasties in our house. Absolute backbone of the weekly meal planning. Yeah, nice. Yeah, that's a tick.

46:42Keyzie:I like to run a cheese toastie with a stick mag and the tomato soup. That's right. A creamy tomato soup. That's right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

46:50Mike Minogue:We're just going to pivot over to names for Keezy's firstborn. Keezy should name the baby either Patrick or Patricia. That way he can introduce them by saying, meet Patty.

47:02Mike Minogue:It's not that funny. I don't even get it. I don't think we need to do any more. We've got a winner. I'm not calling my baby Paddy. Meat Paddy. Meat Paddy. Meat Paddy. Eh? Because of the meat patties, you know. Little meat paddy. No, the name of the kid isn't meat paddy. It's like, it's Paddy. Little meat paddy.

47:19Keyzie:To be honest with you, Keezy, actually, that is a consideration. In the sense of, you know, you have to consider the fact that your kid's going to have really formidable naps.

47:32Mike Minogue:Yeah, nah, Jason, it's something that my wife and I have spoken about. Is that a 50-50 chance of handing it down to the next generation? Well, it's actually worse than that. There's actually a 10 % chance that one's really massive and one isn't. Right, okay, yeah, jeez.

47:45Keyzie:Far out.

47:46Mike Minogue:And if they get sunburned, uh-oh, burnt meat patties.

47:48Keyzie:Yeah.

47:49Mike Minogue:Anyway, g'day there, fellas. John here. Wayne. Key. G'day, fellas. John Key here. slow cooked lamb neck chops with vegetables and noodles. Oh, that sounds disgusting. You're having a shocker.

48:06Keyzie:I'd rather eat bull's testicles.

48:08Mike Minogue:And you did earlier in the show. Lamb neck chops, veggies and noodles. It's a very weird conversation. I think John's pissed up.

48:17Keyzie:Yeah, totally, man.

48:18Mike Minogue:Smashed a few beers he's smoking. G'day, fellas. Little baby Keezy should be called Keezy McKeezy. That's not funny. It's not that funny. Keezy McKeezy Key. What about this one? This is from Rob. Keezy should have three kids named ham, cheese and pineapple.

48:40Mike Minogue:Seriously, I only eat Hawaiian pizza like once in a blue moon. I'm not naming my three children after them. No, it's not. All right, let's go back to dinner texts. Yeah. Okay. You're doing really well here handling all these texts, Keezy. Great job, man. Yeah, good on you there, fellas. G'day. Little Paddy's going to be very proud of you. Yeah, very, very proud. G'day, fellas. Andre here.

49:02Keyzie:Oh, Andre 3000. Andre, what was the cricketer's name? Agassi. Oh, Andre Agassi. Yeah, but he was a tennis player, obviously.

49:11Mike Minogue:Yeah.

49:11Keyzie:He was a tennis player.

49:14Mike Minogue:Lamb koftas with flatbread, mint yoghurt and Greek salad. Oh, yeah, not bad. Quite like that. Yeah, well done. That sounds nice. A little bit of Mediterranean there. I'm just looking up for another name here, fellas. It's hard to sort of juggle them around. Yeah, no, absolutely.

49:29Keyzie:Yes, I bet. Especially when you... No, no, carry on.

49:31Mike Minogue:What, when I'm steamed? I've had three beers. G'day, fellas. Keezy's kid could be named Spear. Spear Key. That's true. That's good stuff. Okay, that reception. Come on, guys. The crowd absolutely loved that. Yeah, that's a winner. Now, the great thing about the intelligence of this crowd is they said... The text came through spare, but it took me to say, put the two together before they got the joke. It was really good. Yeah. What about this one here from Sam? You could call your kid Birdshit Tony.

50:02Keyzie:The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Casey. Yes, indeed, in excess here on the radio. Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening, live from the critic bar at Richmond Club in beautiful Christchurch, fellas.

50:18Mike Minogue:Who could forget it, Jase? It's so lovely down here. And, of course, it's the official warm-up for the Hukatuka Wild Foods Festival tomorrow, put on by our friends at Monteith. Yeah, how good. How good. Did I say tomorrow? I meant Saturday. Yes, Saturday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturday. Fellas, on Saturday night, I popped out of the house, went down to the local dairy there to get some chocolate to watch a movie. You know, sometimes I like to treat myself. And down at the sort of the local shops there, it's pretty deserted. There was no bastard there. It was just the dairy and me, and lying on the ground, completely flat on the ground but slightly skewered with just his head leaning up against the wall and a crook in his neck, was a homeless gentleman.

50:57Right. I knew he was homeless because he was lying on the concrete on the footpath there, and he was wearing no shoes. He just had socks on. But he was singing songs, you know, and he was trying to cheer people up. Yes. And I thought that was lovely, particularly given there was nobody around for him to sing to. It was deserted. So he was trying to busk, but there was nobody to give him any money. So I went into the shop and I bought my chocolates. And I came out and he was still singing. And I thought, yeah, right. So I went and got$40 out of the cash flow machine there. Went over to the fellow there and I handed him the$40.

51:31And he was absolutely, you know, he was thrilled. He thought it was$20, but then he realized it was$40. So he was over the moon. And he said, oh, cheers, brother. Thank you so much. And he goes, oh, what's the time? What's the time? and I looked at the time and it was quarter to nine and I told him, I said, it's quarter to nine, mate. And he goes, oh, F it. But not F it, but like F it. Yes. And I said, what's the matter? And he said, oh, the F in bottle stores closed, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so I said to him, and I'm not proud of this, I wasn't really thinking, I said, oh, all good, man. Look on the bright side.

52:05Now, what I was meaning was, look on the bright side, you've got 40 bucks. I wasn't really thinking about the fact that I was saying, look on the bright side to a homeless guy. who was sleeping on the concrete and had no shoes. Yes. So does that make me a good person or a bad person? Should I have not given him any money in the first place?

52:21Keyzie:Yeah. I tell you what, Mogi, as you know, I've moved into the CBD. Yeah.

52:28Mike Minogue:That's a central business district, right?

52:30Keyzie:In Auckland City there. And sadly, there's a lot of homeless there. And, you know, I was, funnily enough, walking home from the theatre the other night. And there was a guy lying on the bench of the park sort of bench there, you know, singing songs as well, funnily enough. And we got to chatting and stuff. And so I went down to the ATM and I gave him$150. And he was the same thing. He said, oh, mate, what time is it? And I was like, oh, it's about 10 to 9. He was like, oh, F it. That means the bloody booze, bloody shop is closed. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I know.

53:14It leaves a sort of a bad taste in your mouth, and you almost think to yourself, I might as well have just paid Keezy back.

53:21Keyzie:Yeah, yeah, true. Totally. Almost. Three times over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

53:25Mike Minogue:100%. Yeah. Well, we actually had a, speaking of bad taste in your mouth, Jase, which you can relate to right now, having eaten bull's testicles. My wife actually put her foot in it the other night. Did she? Similar situation. You're a tricky bastard. Bloody hell, Keezy. What the hell does put her foot in it mean? Come on. What do you mean, Kiki? What do you mean? Come on, man. I'm not a gumboot. You're a shopping bastard. No, I'm not. Okay, so what actually happened is we're at Pugs' 30th birthday day. Oh, yeah. And his family were there, and Pugs' father is deaf. What? Mogi. Pugs' father is deaf, and he has hearing issues.

54:06Mike Minogue:And my wife wasn't aware, and we were chatting to him, and then we were chatting about this and that, this and that, and she goes, oh, so do you listen to the big show? And he goes, well, no, I can't. And my wife and I were just sitting there and this like stink of obviously he doesn't and she felt terrible about it.

54:25Keyzie:Yeah, yeah.

54:26Mike Minogue:And then she put her foot in me. The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey.

54:35Keyzie:Kenny Wise here on the radio. Hauraki Big Show this Thursday evening live from the Critic Bar. at the Richmond Club. If you're in the area, don't bother because we're nearly finished, fellas. Well, I'd still say come on down. We are... No, I mean, come on down by all means.

54:49Mike Minogue:Yeah.

54:50Keyzie:You know what I'm saying? But we won't be here. Yeah, I probably won't be here. I'll be here. Oh, well, Keezy will be here. I'll be here pushing the boat out. Where's Keezy going to go?

54:57Mike Minogue:Richmond Club in Christchurch, the official warm-up for the Wild Foods Festival brought to you by Montice. What are the plans for tonight, fellas?

55:04Keyzie:Well, I'll tell you what. I'm looking at the horses there and there were the greyhounds before. I'm feeling a bit of an urge for a Queen of the Nile kind of action, fellas. That's right. Pump a couple of dollars in there, see what comes out. They've got a casino down here, don't they, Hoity J.C.? They do. That could be a bit of you, a bit of me.

55:22Mike Minogue:So you guys are going to go to the Cass? Yeah, I think so, man. Well, we've got this hat full of 20-cent pieces here, and it seems a shame to waste them. The reason we've got a hat full of 20-cent pieces is because it costs us 20, and I'm not joking, 20 cents each time at our hotel you want to flush the toilet, you have to put 20 cents in. Yeah, but if you go to the High Rollers is that the casino there, the steamers are free. Yes. So you can save money on steamers and put the money into the old, the Queen of the Mile there. Queen of the Mile. Queen of the Mile, they call it. Yeah.

55:50Keyzie:What about you, Kesey? I mean, it feels like... You're a shocking alcoholic. What are you going to get up to? You're massively on your way already. What's the plan for Christchurch tonight? You going to paint it red, mate?

56:02Mike Minogue:I'm going to paint the town red. Yeah, right. That's a saying that young fellas say nowadays. Yeah, totally, mate. I'm going to put on my dancing shoes and paint the town red.

56:11Keyzie:Put on your hot pants there, Keezy. Hit the town.

56:14Mike Minogue:Yeah, put on my hot pants and paint the town red, Hoardy J. No, I'm going to stay here at the Richmond Club for a wee bit, have a few beers while the old tab's still running. And then we'll probably go out for dinner, you know, maybe... Maybe some dumplings, some pork mints. No, I don't know if they do pork mints down here in Christchurch. Oh, really? Oh, they love their pork mints in Christchurch, Keezy. So pork mints, capital of New Zealand. Is it? Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally. I've got to move down here, don't I? Yeah, you really do, man. But me and Pugs will probably join the Hodaki team and we'll go out and have a wee dinner there.

56:45Mike Minogue:Yeah. And then I'll probably go to bed early, to be honest, because we've got a big day tomorrow. Big day tomorrow, Keezy. On the train there. On the choo-choo train, yeah. You'll be hanging out in the caboose, won't you?

56:53Keyzie:You're going to be... That's never going to happen in a million years. You've never had a quiet one after a live show, Keezy. You're going to go out of the town and get back at about three? Yeah. Oh, what about our pizza party? We've got to have a pizza party in Hoardy J's bloody hotel room. Though I don't think we'd all fit in there, quite frankly, fellas. And, of course, I've still got my steamer in the bog there. So it might not be the most pleasant experience. But we can get some Domino's, you know, some meat lovers pizzas and just have a good old time. We can just ignore the floater in the toilet.

57:22Mike Minogue:Yeah, quite frankly, I... Well, to be honest, it's been over a year since our last pizza party. Totally. Which is when after a live show, I think it was Taranaki we did it. We went back to Hoagie's room, ate a pizza and watched a John Claude Van Damme movie.

57:36Keyzie:It was pretty sexy too.

57:38Mike Minogue:While Moggy was in the next door room doing a bit of work.

57:40Keyzie:Yeah, yeah. It was actually a very, it was that weird thing with all the fellas in the room eating pizza and then there was a few nudes. There was some nudes, yeah. We were all in various states of arousal, as you are when you're on the road and Pugs especially got very handsy. Shocking bastard.

57:58Mike Minogue:Shocking bastard. Shocking bastard. Thank you. That's right. He is a shocking bastard. I love throwing pugs in it when he doesn't have a microphone to defend himself. But look, if you are in the area, come on down to the Richmond Club critic bar there. We're going to be here for about 20 more minutes. And I do want to say we've just had old Pugson's birthday last weekend. Yeah, that's right. 30th. 30th. It's 30th. So for everybody here, please, please, please save your applause. Save your applause. Buy the man a shot. Get the boy hammered. get Pugsy absolutely on it tonight and he'll thank you forever.

58:34Keyzie:Responsibly, of course. Pugsan!

58:36Mike Minogue:Pugsan! Pugsan! Pugsan! The Hauraki Big Show with Jason Hoyt, Mike Minogue and Kesey.

58:49Keyzie:Well, there you go, you mad bastard. It's done and dusted for the Christchurch Show. As always, what a privilege it's been to be down here, fellas.

58:58Mike Minogue:Absolutely, Jase. Huge shout-out to Critic Bar at the Richmond Club. Thanks for having us for the second year in a row, I believe. Yeah, I think so. We're down here for the Black Clash. Bloody good place to be. And tomorrow we catch the Trans-Alpine train across to beautiful Grey Mouth and then to the Hookatooka Wild Foods Festival. Before we do that, though, fellas, someone's bought Pugsana a shot.

59:17Keyzie:How good for his 30th birthday there, Pugsana. There you go, Pugs. Do that shot. Get on you, Pugs.

59:22Mike Minogue:Get on you, mate. One shot won't hurt, mate. Happy birthday to you. And he's done it. That's great. Yeah, great.

59:29Keyzie:Good on you, Pug-san. Yes, very much looking forward to the Wild Food Festival. Very much looking forward to the Choo Choo train ride tomorrow, fellas. Absolutely. Apparently we've been invited into the caboose. We've been invited into the engine room as well. Yes. So we'll be up there with the driver. It's going to be magnificent, mate. I haven't seen much of the South Island, so I'm looking forward to that.

59:50Mike Minogue:Yeah, well, from what I've heard from the great folks at the Transalpine there, One of you or two of you will get to sort of be up the front running a train. Yeah. And then one of us will get to sort of be in the caboose there. So it's going to be all go. It's a beautiful way to see the South Island. I'm very excited.

1:00:04Keyzie:Well, I think because you're so excited about being in the caboose, it should be you, Keezy. I mean, you know, Mogi and I can give or take, you know, but you've been banging on about it so much. I think if you want to be in the caboose, you be in the caboose.

1:00:16Mike Minogue:Yeah, okay. And you've managed to have a win today, Keezy. You haven't had to eat a snail or have any of the bulls, Tesco's in your mouth. So if it's all well and good with you, Jase and I will all run the train, but you've got to go last. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I'll be in the first. Yeah, nice. We are, of course, talking about on the train tomorrow, the Transalpine. And if you are heading over to Hook and Tick for the Wild Food Festival, we will see you this Saturday. Yes. From us, fellas. Bloody good stuff.

1:00:44Keyzie:Thanks, everyone. Backbone. Pleasure as always. Love you, Christchurch. Beautiful. Backbone.