FULL SHOW: Slipping Standards

19:00Keyzie:And he turns out to be, this guy, a very, very, very accomplished gaslighter. Ah. And he's a very accomplished manipulator. And so whilst I started watching the series going, yeah, okay, some pretty hot sex going on. But apart from that, I'm not massively into it. But actually the way he manipulates the situation is actually pretty good. Yeah. It's pretty good. You're one of the best gaslighters I've ever met. Come on, man. And it's another what I would call solid British drama. Oh, yes. There's a guy that used to be Doctor Who. Tannen. It's all bugger. David Tennant. Eccleston or something rather.

19:47Oh, the other one, yeah. Yeah, I think he's a great actor.

19:50Keyzie:It's on Netflix. I think I've got the right guy. But wait, it's got Asa Butterfield. Oh, Butterfield, yeah. Frafi. Who? Frafi. Molly Windsor. I don't really know any of these people. Asa Butterfield, I do. He's a very good actor. Christopher Eccleston. That's him. Yeah. Oh, was he Doctor Who? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I give it a solid three buzies. And what's it called again? Unchosen. Unchosen on Netflix. Right, okay. Last night, I watched Celebrity Treasure Island on TVNZ+. Do you remember last week when we had Vinny come in? One of the actors, Vinny Bennett. Oh, yeah, Vinny Barbarino. He's in Fast and the Furious.

20:34He plays a young Vin Diesel. He does. Can I say, good casting. He looks kind of like Vin Diesel, and his voice sounds real similar. Yeah. And he was a bit worried about how the show was going to come out, Celebrity Treasure Island. How he was going to look. Because I didn't really care about the show, more worried about how he was going to be represented. Well, exactly. And he was a bit like, oh, you don't know how they're going to edit it and blah, blah, blah. And he was a bit worried about something that was coming up in the show. And I think it was this episode that happened last night. Did they have a shocker?

21:00No, they didn't have a shocker. He's just a very passionate dude. Super passionate, quite emotional. Not any kind of, he's really stoked and then he's really annoyed at stuff and he's really sad about people going home. He's in touch with his emotions, Keezy. That's what makes him such a fantastic actor. Whatever, man. I think he's divisive. My wife doesn't really like him on the show, but I really like him.

21:22Keyzie:Because he's hot. Because he's hot and he's emotional. Because he's hot and emotional. And that's what gets me fired up. So what I want to know is, before you give me your rating of it, what's really turning Keezy on for this show? I mean, what's your turn-on factor? Well, I'm not watching the show to get barred up. I just watch it because it's entertaining. Obviously, if I wanted to get barred up, I'd watch Location, Location, Location. Four buzzies out of five, though. Love CTI. It's one of my favourite shows. How good? So this season's going good because you weren't sure about it. It's good.

21:51It's gotten a lot better. Yeah, great. The drama's there now, which I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on TVNZ+. Hey, he's coming up after five, eh, Jase? Oh, whatever, man.

22:03The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at 4 on Radio Hoda.

22:08Keyzie:Welcome back, you massive bank bones. Hope your Wednesday's going along very nicely indeed. You're listening to The Big Show, by the way, brought to you by Toledo's. That's right, Toledo's. Low in sugar, no preservatives, natural flavours, natural colours, family-friendly, made in Aotearoa.

22:28Toledo's. Available at toledos.co.nz or various New World's pack and saves and every fresh choice across the country as well. I got on it on Friday night, fellas, as you well know. Yes. Went through to the wee smalls, you name it. I was hooking in, fellas. Responsibly. I had one Toledo's absolutely brand new the next day. Great stuff, mate. Completely fine. Didn't you say you spent the whole day on the couch? Absolutely brand new. Oh, yeah. That's great stuff, Mogey. Hey, just quickly, fellas. Earlier in the show, Mogey gave me a present. I did. He came in and I said, because you said, oh, I was doing a clear out at my house and I've got a present for you, Keezy.

23:05And then I wrote down on a piece of paper what I thought the present was going to be. Now, we never got to that. No, we didn't. Now, I'm writing down on a piece of paper what I think you thought it was going to be. Right, okay. Jase, do you want to write something down on a piece of paper? About what I thought it was going to be from Mogu to you?

23:21Keyzie:No, just like draw a C and B or something. Oh, okay, I can do that. Yeah. Okay, you go first, Keezy. I've got one already. There you go. Look at that. Oh, that's hideous. Is that a self-portrait? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Why'd you do a chope? I didn't nail the foreskin. Neither did your doctor. Here's a piece of paper, Moggy. All right, you pass me your piece of paper. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. This is good radio, man. This is good radio. This is great stuff. Very visual. Three, two, one. One. I can't read that. What does that say? Other side, you juice. Direwolf t-shirt. Direwolf t-shirt. Ah, kiss Smoky.

24:03That was probably two years ago. It was a couple of years ago now. I splashed out, brought myself printed tees because I thought printed tees should come back in. I was looking everywhere. I found one, didn't I, Keezy? Secondhand one? I came in, I was teased mercilessly. Teased mercilessly. Because Smoky had walked in with his brand new print t-shirt and he was stoked with it and it called Wolf on the front. But what he didn't realise is that there's nothing wrong with it. Game of Thrones. No, it said winter is coming underneath it. And it was a dire wolf. But the thing was, winter was coming.

24:31No, totally. And I felt real bad because then you stopped wearing it. Yeah, I know. I was like, where's your cool direwolf to? But I should have kept on wearing it. You should have. I feel bad about that.

24:39Keyzie:I've got a lot to thank you guys for because there's so many shirts that I wouldn't keep wearing if it hadn't been for you guys telling me how good they look. Like your lemon shirt? Yeah, like my lemon shirt. Oh, that's true, yeah. Your sailboat shirt. Is that a new one you're wearing now? Yes. Is it? Sure is, man. God. Hey, another chance later this hour to get yourself in the draw to go see the Phuys live next year in either Christchurch or Auckland and maybe get a copy of the new album too. So get ready to call 0800 Hauraki. In the meantime, here's Audio Slave. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey.

25:12Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

25:15Keyzie:Yeah, man. Shocking bastards. Stop crying your heart out, man. It's Oasis, isn't it? It is. Hey, fellas, just getting a bit worried about something. My wife and I, we've been in our first house out in West Auckland there for a number of years, a little granny flat, and we're thinking about upgrading. And in Auckland, the housing market is terrifying. And basically, there's a strong likelihood that we will have to go to auction to buy. Yeah. And I've never bought anything at an auction before. I've done it, you know, trade me or something, but that's very anonymous. and you're not in a room going, yes, please, I'll buy that, you know, whatever you say.

25:53Well, I mean, that's not what you do. I mean, this is the thing. I don't know. You'd look like a goose from the start if you did that. Well, you're doing that voice. That's pretty cool, though. What was that voice again? Oh, yeah, actually, it was pretty good. I was just sort of my impression of your wife, Mogi. Yeah, go on. Oh, God, I'd like to buy that, please. That's it. That's really good. Really good. Yeah. She gets what she wants, man. I'll tell you that much. So I was just wondering, have you guys ever bought anything at auction like that? Because I don't know how to play it. You don't want to go in too strong and put all your cards on the table, but you don't want to miss out on the place.

26:21It's just a tough one. Well, there's a few auctions that weren't there at your parents' place. They've got the plantation over in Tauranga.

26:32Keyzie:I bought a vintage sex swing on an auction. Right, okay. Was that in a room? Were you in the room auctioning? Yeah, right. Yes, please! Right, okay. And so this vintage sex swing was worth so much that an auction house had it up for sale. Yeah, well, it was vintage. And there were overseas people trying to get in on the action. It was an absolute doozy of a sex swing. How old was it? Well, 1960s. Oh, right. So you wanted something from back in the day. Yeah, from the swinging 60s. Oh, nice. Oh, wow. I was a bit scuffed in places. You know, I had a few worn patches. So what was your strategy? What do you mean?

27:20What was your strategy when it came to buying the sex swing at auction? This is what I want to know. Oh, okay. My strategy was to offer the highest price. That's a good one. That's what I always do. Yeah, yeah. Right, so straight out of the gate, you go to your max.

27:33Keyzie:Oh, no, you tease them for a while, Keezy. There's a bit of teasing going on. Yeah, you've got to tease it. We're talking about the auction. You don't go straight for the kill. No, no, not at all. And my trick is, it might be slightly different to yours, Jase, is I don't get involved at all. I like to look around the room and see who else is participating. Right. And then once they've fought it out, then I'll come in late. Yes. That's when I'll get involved. Right, okay, you let them do all the, you know. That's right, they think they're the only ones in the fight, and then I come in fresh. Yes.

28:06Yeah. Nice. Boom.

28:07Keyzie:And for the final time, 5 ,018. Right. That's how much you paid for it. No, that was 18 and a half, actually. K. Yeah, K. Wow. Euro. Why were you paying in Euro? Was it in Europe? Yeah, well, they shipped it over from Europe. Oh, really? Right, okay. Brussels. Germany, I think. Really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, okay. But it's easy, man. You'll be fine. You've just got to hold your nerve, Keezy. But it's easy to say you'll be fine, but all of a sudden you're buying the biggest purchase of your life at an auction. You've never been to auction. The room is full of people who are there trying to squeeze as much out of you as, you know.

28:45I think the problem that you're going to find is you'll get competitive and you might start going outside what your budget range is and that's where you've got to be very, very careful. You've got to decide what your price is and you don't go over and above that. And then there's a whole bunch of other tricks that the auctioneers try and do. They'll separate you. They'll put you in another room. They go in there to have a little chat to you. Oh, I think you get it if you offer it another$500 ,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back rub. You know, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Did they do that? Oh, shocking.

29:11Yeah, totally, man. Totally. I did. Yeah, when I was in Oxford, yeah. Do you reckon we could, if you guys are up for it? Can I ask? Yeah, just right in the middle of my question here. Go for it.

29:23Keyzie:I just want to ask what your budget is because sex swings aren't cheap. No, I'm not buying a sex swing. It's about buying a house. Oh! So you thought I was coming to you with advice how to buy a sex swing? Well, I mean, what better person to come to? What do you mean? Do you reckon we could run a scenario where I'm buying a house? We're getting the sex way. No, where I'm buying a house at auction and we could just run through it. I think we need to. I've had some practice. I think we need to. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah. Will we do that next? I think you're going to balls it up. Because you do get overexcited, Keezy.

29:56Keyzie:Yeah, I do, don't I? Your rag comes out. What? What? The Hauraki Big Show Weekdays from 4 on Radio Hauraki Cake there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show This Wednesday evening The time is 5.27 Which means it's time for Quiet on set Sound speed Lights Camera Action Now it's time for the Big Show Improv Yeah, I've asked for this improv Just because There's a real possibility That I'm going to have to buy my next house at auction I've never been to an auction done it in person and I have to make the biggest purchase of my life in a room full of people in a situation I've never been in before. It's scary stuff, fellas.

30:38So for this one we'll run through being in an auction. Jase, do you want to be the auctioneer? Sure. You better stand up there in front of the behind the lectern. Yeah, no worries. I've got a gavel here. If you need a gavel let me know. Yeah, good. Okay, good. That's nice. I'm just going to sit with you, Keezy and I'm just going to help you through. Okay. I'll hold this sign here which has got a number on it and that's our number for auctioneering. Yeah, yeah. So you have to hold up a number like five. Because we've registered when we came in. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and now can we just say, just for our numbers, just for the sake of this, let's say...

31:15No, okay, cool. It can be whatever number you want. That's the number on the pedal. Okay, cool. Or 96, actually. No, 69 both ways. It's important we nail that. Jase, let's just say that the house, my max bid is a million dollars, right? Let's just say a million dollars is my max. Ooh, old money bag. I gave it to half.

31:33Keyzie:It's not easy. Hey, you want me to go home? Old money bag over here's got a million bucks. Why are we even bothering? Okay, well, let's say that my max is Okay, it's a million. That's fine. That's fine. Okay, a million dollars is my max, Mogey, and you're helping me. Is that right? You're helping me in the auction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm helping you. Okay, so you're like my advisor. Alright, here we go. Ready? A bit of ambience here. Yep. Bit of gavel, please. Shh, Casey, this is when the auction starts. Yeah, good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for being here at this auction for this late 90s brick and tile family home.

32:10Keyzie:Casey, stop playing with yourself. A perfect opportunity for an investor or someone perhaps looking to start a new family, for example. God, this auction is not very good. Very, very sought after our neighbourhood. They tend to bang on a bit. Can I just remind people to please signal clearly when making an offer so it makes my... Thank you, sir. That's very much appreciated. That's your number, Keasy. In that vein. So if we could start... This is exciting, eh? Can I have the gavel, please? Right. Well, let's get started, ladies and gentlemen. Gavel, please. You don't want to get too excited, Keasy.

32:48Don't get too excited.

32:50Keyzie:Let's start the bidding. Let's start the bidding at one point. He's got no arms. He has to get somebody else to do the bidding. No, you know. Darker gavel. 1.8 million. Do I hear 1.8 million? 69. Thank you, 69. 1.8. Do I hear 1.9 million? 69. Yeah, thank you. 1.9 million. You've got to trick them. Focus. The bid currently at 1.9. You're tricking by bidding against yourself. Do I hear 2 million? Do I hear$2 million? You bet that, sweetheart, you do. 69. Thank you again, sir. 69. Why are you on my budget? 2 million there. What's going on? Sorry, can we stop? Let me just say it is an absolute bargain for 2 million.

33:25Keyzie:Do I see two point? Do I hear 2.1? 2.1 million? Hold out, Keezy. Hold out, man. 2.1 million. Anyone for an offer there? 2.1. You get them to say going once. Going once. And then you get them to say going twice. How do I do that? Going twice. I don't want to buy this. 2.5 million. 2.5 million. Thank you. 69. Thank you, 69. Do I hear 2.6? No, it's 2.6. No, it's 2.6. Thank you, sir. That's 69. 2.6 million. Still a bargain, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely still a bargain at$2.6 million. This night 90s brick and tall. Going once at$2.6 million. How do we get out of this? Going twice at$2.6 million.

34:08Keyzie:Last offers on the table here. And sold. Number 69,$2.6 million. Well done. Congratulations, Sarah. An absolute bargain. That's like double my... That's well done. It's more than double. You've got the house. That's the trick here. You've got to outbate everyone else. and then you get the treats. Congratulations, sir, if you could just come up now and sign. Wait, what was the address on that house? It was 85 Konini Street, Henderson. That's not even the right house. Mogi, that's not even the right house. I wrote a book to Henderson. You'd really fit in over there, Keezy, man. Right, next bid, Sex Swing for the 1950s.

34:46Keyzie:Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. This is what I'm here for. Brought in from... The Hauraki Big Show. weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki.

34:59Radio Hauraki, celebrating Foo Fighters' new album, Your Favourite Toy.

35:05Keyzie:Yes, indeed, and I believe today we're going to go into the box, fellas, rather than the giveaway and album. Am I correct in saying that? Yes, I've just checked today. It is not a copy of the vinyl. Instead, it is a toy from Dave Grohl's Toy Box. Just a reminder, the new Foo Fighters album, Your Favourite Toy, is available now. and every single person that calls through gets on with us, wins either a toy or a copy of the vinyl, also is in the draw to go and see the Fooys in January in either Auckland or Christchurch. How good. That's extraordinary, isn't it? I'd choose Christchurch, go down to that new stadium, make a weekend of it, take a mate.

35:39That'll be bloody exciting.

35:41Keyzie:Looks bloody great, actually, that new... Is it covered? Yeah, it is, man. Wow, how good. Let's go to the phone lines. G'day. Oh, no. Scotty, you mad bastard. and how's life? Yeah, doing good there, Jase. Good on you, mate. What do you do for a crust, Scotty? I'm a mechanical engineer. Oh, yeah, that's good on you, Scotty. And you love the Foo Fighters, mate? Oh, definitely, yes. Yeah, beautiful. All right, Scotty, so what's going to happen is Mogi's going to rummage around and growl his box, and he's going to pull out a toy at random, all right? Yep. Go for it, Mogi. You tell me when to stop, man.

36:22Scotty, you mad dog You tell me where to stop, mate He said stop He said stop, Mogey Mogey, stop! Here you go, man What is it? What is it? It's a silly sausage What the hell is a silly sausage? It is a life-size It's a stress reliever, man It's about, I'd say, an average six inches or so and you give it a squeeze and it makes you feel better, man. Give it a squeeze and it makes you feel real good. But it's got a thing on here that says warning that it's not food. Do not eat your sausage. Okay, so Scotty, we're going to send you that silly sausage stressful reliever. Don't eat it, all right?

37:04Keyzie:No worries. Scotty, he's also in the draw to go and see the fooies. Let's not forget that. Oh, he is. He's already a winner, though. I've got to be honest with you. when I first saw you pull that out, I thought it was something else entirely. But it looks like it would be really good for relieving stress. I mean, I'd squeeze that. You would, man. You know what I mean? I'd give it a good squeeze, Scotty. Hey, Scotty, you hold the line, man, and old Pugs will send that sausage out to you, all right? Cheers, Casey. No worries, mate. Jeez, you do the best toys, Maggie. Oh, look, man. Because the last one you got was a poo, wasn't it?

37:38That's right, but you poured water on it and it grew six times the size. Yes. Which is amazing. They could have just made it six times the size, you know what I mean? Just had it there, yeah. Where's the fun in that, man? Oh, that's true. I hadn't thought about that because it's a toy, eh? I'm going to be honest. I've been eyeing up that silly sausage. Oh, you love a silly sausage. I want to get it out and squeeze it because it looks like a lot of fun. More chances to win some more of Dave Grohl's loot and also a copy of their brand-new vinyl, your favourite toy. Yeah, good. Right here on Hodaki.

38:07And also get yourself in the drawer, all right? I've been fresh in that album. It's a ripper if you haven't been listening to it, fellas. Oh, yeah, sounds good, man. Bit of you too, man.

38:17Keyzie:Yeah, okay. What's the wrong with you guys? Nothing, man. We're just into a bit of you too, Keezy. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. She-hard there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Wednesday evening. The time is 5.52. 5, 6, 7, 8. Men, men, men, men, men.

38:54One and a half mogies, man. So good. One and a half mogies, which is when mogie talks about having little mogie his daughter. That's correct. That's absolutely correct. And on this occasion, feelers there. Look, she's growing up. She got her ears pierced. or at the least you wanted to get them pierced. And that's a real, that mate, you've had four daughters there, Jase. Yes. It's a real milestone, I guess. Yeah. You know, what's next? What's next? That's what I ask myself, I don't know. But I just ask myself. Probably tats. Yeah, probably tattoos, thank you. Hang on, how old is she? She's six going on seven.

39:33Well, I don't know if you're going on... Six going on 70, am I right? Yeah, reckon.

39:37Keyzie:God, they grow up fast, don't they? That's good stuff. They do, man. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Next thing you know, she'll be in a retirement village. Yeah, exactly. Well, I don't think you get a tattoo at seven, would you? But that'll be the next thing. I'm not saying it's going to happen when she's seven. Come on. I got my first tattoo at about six. Oh, really? Yeah. What was that of again? Oh, I did it myself, so I can't. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was a teardrop. Oh, was this? Yeah. Where'd you put it? Because it's not on your face. I'm looking at your face. I can't tell you where I put a Kisi. Right, okay, good.

40:12Keyzie:Yeah, right. Anyway, I took her down there to get the ears pierced there, and it was a big occasion. And I was absolutely gobsmacked by the price. Oh, was it expensive? So expensive,$190 to have her ears pierced. Jesus. Isn't that unbelievable? That's extraordinary. I said, I'll bugger it. I'll bugger it if I'm paying that. You know, my wife and daughter and everyone I know, they hate it when I make a scene. Yeah. But if you think I'm paying$190, she said, oh, it'll make her happy. It's like$190. Yeah, man. Did you make her say? My happiness. Yeah, I did. I'm not paying. Keezy, that is absolutely outrageous.

40:52Oh, no, it's expensive. I get it.

40:53Keyzie:I remember when I got my first piercing and I went down, I was bloody shocked at how much it was. Oh, it was like one pound threepence or something. Right. Where did you get that? Because it's not on your face. No. Oh, well, I did it myself in the end. It bloody hurt like a bastard. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Oh, hence the teardrop. Has it grown over? It has grown over, actually. It's rusted up a bit, too. A bit of moisture there. You had a few rings, didn't you, Keezy? Didn't you have some Diamante earrings for a while when you were running your sort of wrapper look? Yeah, I had Diamante earrings. It was just the one on the left.

41:33Oh, yeah, right. That's a good one. Yeah. What does that one mean again? I don't know. I didn't think it meant anything. I thought it just meant I looked cool. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, back to, so did she end up getting her ears pierced? Well, no, in the end, I did what you said, Jason. I just did it at home. Oh. Easy peasy, mate. I wanted to do it at home. I recommended knitting needles. A bit big, aren't they? Turns out. Actually, it's funny you should say that, because when I use a knitting,

42:01Keyzie:I've got, you know, the big hoops you can get? Yes, yes. I had one of those bastards put in there because I used a knitting needle and made a hoo-roo of a hole there. Once again, where was this? Because you don't have it on your ears. Oh, well, no, yeah. I can't really show you, Keezy. And you put a stretcher in and made a... Yeah, it stretched out. You said you had a Prince Albert. Yeah, yeah, the Prince Albert. But I won't tell you where they put the ring. And you put a stretcher in it? Yeah, it's a stretcher. And it's rusty. It is rusty too. It's a teardrop down there. It's a rusty, surest badge, is it?

42:36Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so One and a Half Mogies where Mogie talks about his adventures with his young daughter there.

42:47The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

42:53Keyzie:Welcome back, you massive backbones. Hope you're getting through your hump day okay. You're listening to The Big Show, incidentally, brought to you by Toledo. Toledo's. That's right, Toledo's natural electrolyte drinks. If you can't find them, why not request them at your local supermarket today?

43:11Keyzie:Toledo's. Got a frog in my throat. Yeah, so have I actually. I think it's all the phlegm coming out of my lungs. It's phlegm, that's what it is. Hey, fellas, speaking of drinking, I've got a bone to pick. I've got a bone to pick. Now, please, we consider ourselves civilised human beings, don't we? I guess so. Can we please drink out of normal vessels? Pugs-san, who usually has this massive glass water bottle that he's stolen from somewhere, slugs away on that all day. I've just noticed that Mogi's drinking out of a massive old pickle jar, and now Pugs is drinking out of a pickle jar. Can we just use normal glasses, please?

44:01Keyzie:We're not animals on this show. Casey is drinking water out of a wine glass. That's not on me. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm kind of a bit effy on that myself. I mean, can we just drink out of normal glasses? You've got a tiny glass that I would drink, like, port out of. To be honest, the issue we've got here, it's ridiculous, is the way our company is set up is you've got Radio Hauraki on one side of the building and another station, and then all the other really fancy stations are on the other side of the building, and they've got all this beautiful glassware and knives and forks and stuff. And on our side, it is a shambles.

44:35It is. So you open the glasses cupboard, and there's literally the best option to drink out of today was a wine glass and a jar, a pickle jar. That's right. So we expect us to do jizz.

44:45Keyzie:I have noted many, many, many times that our cupboards are jam-packed with normal glasses. No, they're not. Don't try and paint a picture that we don't have glasses. It has gaslighting us again, Casey. He's the best in the world. It is an absolute disgrace. And I have this in my own home where my family go through so many glasses in a day and they end up drinking out of stupid things. And it's like, for goodness sake, just use the same glass and stop recycling it or getting a new glass every time you have a glass of water. Hell yeah, Jase. You tell them. Yeah, man. You should run for Parliament, bro.

45:28People will be into that.

45:29Keyzie:I'm thinking of running for mayor. Oh. Really? Yeah. I think you should. You walk around the city a lot. Oh, totally, man. Pressing the flesh and that. I mean, that's legal the way you do it, but... Sick, nasty. Here's Food Fighters. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Yes, indeed. Soundgarden there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Wednesday night. Good news, fellas. I found out who the toast belongs to, the bread out there in the kitchen. It's old Big Dilly. And he said, I can help myself. So I'll be making myself some peanut butter. Maybe some Vegemite, actually.

46:10Keyzie:Whose is the Vegemite? Well, it's just part of the general sort of... Well, I'm not going to find out whose Vegemite it is. Is there a jar of Vegemite in there? The spread belongs to people, Jase. They brought it in so that they can use it. I think it is a generic spread. I'm not going to start texting around trying to find who owns the jar of Vegemite. No, you want it to be a generic spread, but it's not. It's something that somebody has bought as an individual and they leave it here so that it's here for them to use. Yes, the practice manager, the office manager, The practice manager, isn't it for a law firm?

46:42Keyzie:Bought the Vegemite, the Marmite, the peanut butter, and I discovered little tubs of butter, which aren't any ones in the side drawer there, so I'm going to have a little bit of a slice of toast with maybe a bit of Vegemite. Because there's peanut butter in there as well, so I may go peanut butter. Let me be very clear here. What you're allowed to have access here and what you've been given approval for and permission for is a slice of white bread from Dilly. You cannot put anything on it, except there is a jar of Best Foods mayo here because of our partnership with the Comedy Festival. Outside of that...

47:20Yeah, so that's the thing, right? In a standard office, you are given coffee, tea, maybe some Milo. That's all there. You can help yourself to that. No one has random spreads and condiments and things. That's not how offices work, Pugs. The only things that you allow is coffee, tea, Milo, milk, salt, and pepper. There you go. That's all you're allowed. So no butter for you, Jase. No spreads.

47:46Keyzie:Right. Okay. So what you're saying. Well, how about. No, you can put mayo on it. Remember, because that's part of the comedy thing. Okay, how about I have two slices of bread? Yes. Well, hang on. Did you ask Dilly if you could have two? Because he said you could have one. He said fill your boots. But you wear little boots. The white death. The white death. Which is, by the way, what we call white bread. Two slices of white death, a slather of mayonnaise and some chippies. No chippies. Because, I mean, the chippies. No chippies. I mean, they don't technically belong to anyone. No, they do. They belong to the station.

48:26Keyzie:They're just a kind of help yourself. No, they're not. When you're feeling a bit peckish. No, they're not. And I can have an old school chippy and mayo between two slabs of white death. Slabs. Well, let me say that the chippies aren't there for you to take. Otherwise, Lane wouldn't be firing up about it every day when you steal chips. but I'm more than happy for you to do that because I want to see you eat a chippy and mayo sandwich because you can't wait for half an hour to get home. Yeah, but you don't have to put chippies on it. You've got mayo there. Did you hear pugs, tea bags? You could rip open a tea bag and sprinkle some tea leaves on it.

49:04What about a sugar sandwich? That's old school. Bit of chocky milo. Yeah, there you go, bit of milo. Or you could go down to the shop, which is a 50-metre walk, and buy yourself some food. I'm exhausted, Keezy. No, you're not.

49:17Keyzie:I'm starving to death. I'd faint on the way. Pill jam? Yeah, why not? It's the only kind of jam you're allowed on your toes. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Yes, indeed. Pluto there on the Radio Hauraki Big Show this Wednesday evening, the time's 6.37. Shall we give out some advice, fellas? Please, please.

49:50Get in touch with the fellas.

49:57It is a real email address. MeetPattyNips69 at gmail.com. Get in touch. If we read your advice question on the show, you get a prize. It's 100 % anonymous as well. This one comes from anonymous, fellas. What's the prize? G'day there, fellas. Pugs nose. Pugs nose. Pugs out different things. From his nose. From his nose. No, he doesn't pick his nose and then put it. It's a bit of a booby prize, isn't it? Put it in a. An envelope. Write old bogey on it and then send it off. Now this one comes from anonymous there. Look at him out there, he's fuming. Bogey, can you stay on topic, please? G'day there, guys.

50:35Advice needed. I've decided to push the boat out and sign up to a 50-kilometer run at the end of the year. So I have surprise, surprise started to run more. The issue being that my nips seem to get overly excited by the situation and are constantly chafing. As you feelers have banged out a few marathons in your time, wondering if you had any remedies, or am I just lacking nip fitness and they'll adapt with time? He's buggering it up, isn't he, Jase? Because what you're meant to do, and you'll be able to speak to this better than I, is you set a goal and then you do nothing. Yeah. And then the time passes and you've done jack shit and you've embarrassed yourself because you publicly said you're going to do something.

51:16You've done nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, just chill. That's the way to do it. Well, that's the way Jase does it. Yeah, yeah. Remember his piano extravaganza last year? Oh, yeah, that was funny.

51:26Keyzie:But I was thinking. Remember how he always gives up the vape in Siggies? Oh, yeah, that's funny too. When it comes to naps, I mean. Yes. We have expertise in the room. Oh. I know Keezy doesn't run. Yeah, I know he doesn't run. Why do you think I don't run? They do weep a lot. Lazy? No, it's because of the nip chafing. Oh, is it? Yeah. Why don't you run with your shirt off? Oh. Car crashes. Tell you what's really good. Really good. Pool chalk. You know that you put on the end of your queue? Pool cue chalk. Yeah, pool cue chalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That blue gear. Just spin that around the nips a couple of times, dries it right out.

52:08Because that's clever because it's always hanging on a string on a pool table. Yes. You could have that hanging from your belt. Yes. And then when you're starting to get sore, shirt up, give it a little thing. Yeah. And then put it down. That's actually good advice. Yeah, thank you, man. Alternatively, you can cut a hole out for your nips. I've never ever had any issue with chafing nipples, ever. Have you, Jazz?

52:33Keyzie:I had a heavy bosom for a while. And when I did, and I used to like wearing, you know, and I used to wear certain shirts, your corduroy, et cetera. Fishnet. Fishnet that used to rub up against it. So they used to get a bit weepy. Did they? Yeah, yeah. And what happens, what do they look like to the eye? Are they rubbed raw or what's the guts with a shave? Oh, yeah, they get swollen. Swollen nips. Swollen and very red. Do you just vest them up? Yeah. You can vest them up, but I used, that's why I like the pool cue chalk. Yeah, right. Because it dried them up because the vase I found made them more weepy.

53:10Right, so the key is to dry them out.

53:12Keyzie:So I'd go out some nights and look like I was lactating. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because they were weeping so much. Yeah, right, okay. It looked like I'd given birth and was meant to be feeding a child. Yeah, right, okay. But it just had a heavy bosom. It just had a heavy bosom. Right. Well, look, hopefully that helps. so pool chalk 50k's 50k's 50k's is a long cut a hole run shirtless fishnet top I mean the world's your oyster really there's lots of solutions there isn't there actually oysters work oh oysters oh like those yeah bikini top yeah like a yeah yeah yeah coconut shells that's the one yeah but with oysters so hopefully that helps Anonymous let us know how you go on the 50k yes actually no we don't care no the Hauraki Big Show weekdays from 4 on Radio Hauraki.

54:08Keyzie:There you go, you mad bastards. That's the big show done and dusted for your Wednesday night. What's the podcast outro clip today, Keezy? Today's clip, Jase, I don't remember this at all. It's entitled Home Invasion. Yeah, I remember this. And it comes out at 7.30pm tonight. Wherever you get your podcast from. What's happened to Jase? Imagine if you had a home invasion and people barged in, you know, and they're tying you up because they're robbing the house. And then to keep you quiet, they grabbed a hold of your **** and stuffed that in your mouth to keep you quiet. Does anyone actually... And then you ran away, you got away and you're running and people are like, oh, he's running on the taste of the ****.

54:43Oh, look at him go. Is that a beepable phrase, is it? I think it's probably for the best. Is it?

54:50Keyzie:I noted when we were talking about it at the beginning of the show today that Pugs was not happy. He was doing that hold the head thing. Right. He's always doing that. Yeah, he is. I thought that not many people would know what that is. What a mung rag. Yeah, a mung rag. I think most people do. We should do a... A poll. Yes, a big poll tomorrow, top of the show. Great idea, Mogi, great idea. Hey. What would the question be? What's up for you tonight? I'll just be coughing my way through to my bedtime. Yes. I've got my little niggly cough there has returned. I don't know why. I don't know why. I wonder.

55:26But you've got a similar cough, Jase. Yes, that's it. Yes. So I don't know what's going on there, but it's quite annoying and I don't like it. And hopefully it'll be gone in the morning, Kesey. Hopefully, fellas. Fellas? I'm going to go home and find out what my wife has done to flesh out our pie meal. Ooh. Make sure you text the chat. No, no. Save it for the show tomorrow. I asked her. I said, what have you gone with? And she's like, I'm not saying because you'll make fun of it on the radio. So it's a surprise. And now she won't tell me. So that's cool. She doesn't know us at all. And then, of course, fellas, I'll be watching tonight on Sky Sport.

55:59I'll be watching Game of Two Harves.

56:00Keyzie:Oh, yeah. Which I'm on. Oh, as Manaya's back, baby. No, I'm on this one. It's actually free to air Friday TV3 after seven days. Have you got that sting there for mercilessly plugging your own stuff? You remember that? Yeah, I don't know that you can do that, Keezy. Yeah, that's not allowed. That's self-regulating. I mean, we're self-regulating now that the Broadcasting Standards Authority is gone, but it feels like that's a no-no. Yeah, you just put your day. When is it, man? Oh, so it's Friday, 8.30pm on 3 after seven days. I thought you said it was tonight. Oh, it's tonight on Sky Sport. They get to play it first.

56:32Oh, yeah.

56:33Keyzie:Jason, what are you doing tonight, man? Oh, just chilling. Actually, I might go for a bit of a wander tonight. You know, I've got a bit of a peep. Yeah, just to, you know, air the lungs out. Stuff. See you tomorrow.