OUTRO BITS: Jase Gets Stabbed

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0:15Mike Minogue:The first nude woman I ever saw was a penthouse that my mate Colin showed me and I was too young to see it because it was like quite a full on image. Yeah. And I was like 10 or something. I think you're probably right. They're quite scarring, those images. Yeah, it's like Playboy. Hang on, Jase, before you one-up my story. Playboy's tasteful. It's like them lying there looking all hot, whatever it is. It's not explicit, can I say? No, it's not explicit. It's soft core. It is. And then Penthouse is like, yo, here is a big old member doing some shit. Yeah. And my mate was like, hey, check this out, man.

0:48Well, Penthouse was more the leg spread, but then there was another one which was Larry Flint. What was his one?

0:54Mike Minogue:Oh, wasn't that Penthouse? No, that was... The Woody Harrelson movie. Yeah, and that was the one where they had Hustler. That was the one where they had the sex scene. Yeah, right, okay. Yeah. And I just, hang on. I was just going to say, carry on. It was scarring, because at the time I was reading mostly like K-Zone magazine, which is like for kids. And Tom Hardy and, yeah, Famous Five. Oh, no, that's quite old now. But yeah, and then all of a sudden it's just like, boom, check out this lady.

1:19Keyzie:Right.

1:20Mike Minogue:You know what I mean?

1:20Keyzie:I had exactly the same experience with one of my, and I was about 10 too.

1:25Mike Minogue:Right, so it would have been like a scroll or something.

1:27Keyzie:Yeah, and we had at our school, at our boarding school, we had what we called boot rooms where you'd keep all your boots. Oh, like a mudroom, what do they call it? But he said, Jase, Jase, come and check this out, man. And it was a penthouse, and he showed me these pictures. And I still remember to this day just burning up with heat. Yeah. And I didn't know what I was feeling. I just felt really hot. I didn't even know that I just sounded as horny No Just that I felt really flushed and hot

1:59Mike Minogue:And then what did you do in the boot room there? I don't know Then he read the letters to the editor Oh, made a little plan Yeah, yeah And then he beat off This is a great New Year's special, by the way

2:09Keyzie:But I don't think I was beating off at that stage I think we need to put a warning on the New Year's Oh my God On a Friday, Friday's Uber night

2:19Mike Minogue:Takeaway night

2:20Keyzie:Yeah, yeah, it's a takeaway night It's a special time. Yeah. And I just feel like at the moment I need some treats in my life. Do you? Yeah. Well, yesterday was a sugar-free day, wasn't it? Oh, here we fucking go. Oh, yeah. But I had a Red Bull. And he smashed a Red Bull. That's true, actually. About 10 teaspoons of sugar in that bastard. Yeah, well, that was technically my only sugar, I think. Oh, well done. Yeah. But I didn't even think about that. Congrats, man. Yeah, yeah.

2:48Mike Minogue:So what is the rule? Is it one of those things where it's like, as long as my wife's not around, I can do it You can do whatever I want situations. Well, she was there, actually. Well, she wasn't when you had your Red Bull. Nah. So is that the way your diet's going, though?

2:59Keyzie:Well, she actually got home and had a kombucha.

3:02Mike Minogue:Yeah, that's fine.

3:03Keyzie:Is that all right? 100%. And I said, yeah, that's all right, darling. You're a backbone. But you know what was difficult, apart from the coffee, and I usually have a feed of Weet-Bix at the end of the night as well as my treat. Yeah. With a pile of fucking brown sugar, so I couldn't have that. But what made matters worse was that we had three Kit Kats in the old fridge there and couldn't eat those as well and I was having a real urge for sugar. I'm amazed that you have one day a week where you don't eat sugar. Yeah. And that it's tough for you. That would be tough for me, I think. It was tough at the end.

3:38Keyzie:It's just tough. It wasn't great coffee.

3:41Mike Minogue:When you say no sugar, what does that mean?

3:44Keyzie:Well, we try, like... No treats. There's going to be... Yeah, no treats, basically. No treats. There's going to be stuff that has sugar in it probably. But you're not having sugar in your coffee. You're not having Red Bulls. You're not having your Kit Kats or anything. You should be doing that five days a week. Oh, fuck off. You should. Nah. You should not be eating treats seven days a week and it's hard for you to go one day without. Well, actually, to be fair. And in fact, you haven't gone without. You had a Red Bull. Sometimes, as I say, my treat is Wheat Bix, which I don't think is too excessive.

4:16Keyzie:I mean, it's all G. I mean, fair enough. It was piled up with sugar on it. Yeah, there's a fair amount of sugar on it. Yeah.

4:23Mike Minogue:So let's say we had dinner and the dinner has like a sauce that you put on the whatever. That's sugary. Are you allowed that? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, right. So it's just treats. Yeah, it's basically treats. If you've got a – what dinner has a sugar sauce on it? That's dessert. No, like most of the sauces that you – like a HelloFresh or a food box type situation, the sauce is usually quite sweet and sugary for the sugar.

4:44Keyzie:Yeah. I like, for example, when I take you fellas out for dinner. Oh, yeah. Hoity J won't be having any pudding.

4:51Mike Minogue:No. No, because you're paying for it, so you'll... Yeah, you'll be trying to scrimp it. Yeah, you'll be trying to save as much money as possible. You'll say, oh, we won't have dessert tonight. Because I'm sugar-free. Yeah, sugar-free. We'll go, no, you can go home, man, but we'll order up.

5:02Keyzie:And let me just put it on the record right now. There'll be no piss drinking either. Oh, we'll be drinking piss, all right. Oh, fucking oath. I'm going to fall off the wagon just for that occasion. Just smashing wines.

5:14Mike Minogue:Jase, why don't you wean yourself off of sugar in your coffee, right? Like an adult. Yeah, like an adult, by the way. Like a big boy. It tastes so good without sugar in it. So you wean yourself off that and then you can have a Kit Kat. You know what I mean? You're not like tripling down on sugar. Yeah, because how many coffees are you having today? I have three. So you have six teaspoons of sugar

5:34Keyzie:in your coffee. No, because one of them's a long black and I don't have sugar in that. Okay.

5:38Mike Minogue:So the one in the morning you've got to wean yourself. You've got to get back on the darts.

5:43Keyzie:I will wean myself off sugar. 100%. I'll tell you what, here's the deal. I'll do that if you give up the beersies.

5:51Mike Minogue:Well, no. That's a shit deal. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

6:06Keyzie:We were pretending to fight as our characters from D &D there. Right. Can I just interject and ask you what your name was? Your character? I can't remember my name. I can't remember my name. You'd be a little druid. Yeah, I think I was a druid. Were you Hoggle? A druid. And he would have been some sort of muscular, you know, hero type. Most druids are. No, not the druid. My mate was the sort of, you know, the warrior type. Yeah, Aragorn sort of. And we were seriously pretending to fight with all the sound effects. I don't know what my - What was he armed with? What were you armed with? I think I was armed with like bolts.

6:48Keyzie:A druid with bolts? Oh, that's quite good.

6:50Mike Minogue:Oh, like a crossbow?

6:51Keyzie:No, like -

6:52Mike Minogue:Lightning bolts?

6:53Keyzie:Yeah. Oh, so you had magical powers. Yeah, yeah, because I was a druid. And he had your knife, your bow, and all that sort of stuff. Oh, okay. So he was a warrior. And then it was deduge with the knife into the old gut. So, yeah, but talk us through that whole thing, the realisation. Like, what's happened there? So he's parried forward at me in a stabbing motion. Parried forward? Yes. And what's he described that knife? It was like a hunter's knife. Wow, it's massive. You and I, I think we had a yarn about this on our other highly successful podcast, All Talk with Jason Mike. In my description to you, I asked if it was like those old Rambo knives that came out, which had a smooth side on one side, and then on the other side of the blade, the straight edge, it was actually serrated.

7:40Oh, serrated. Oh, yes, serrated. So they were designed to stab in and then pull out the intestines as he came back out.

7:48Keyzie:It was like that from recollection, but he didn't pull. Oh, well. So he parries, didooge. And I felt what I can only describe as a searing, burning pain in my stomach. And I went, ah, fuck. Now, how long is this knife? To me, that's probably six-incher. No maybe Oh yeah maybe Longer And I went Ah fuck And then I looked down at my school shirt Yes And there was a beautiful clean cut on my school Now he was in and out with it Yeah he was in and out He didn't stay in there So it was like a Like a jab It was like a parry A parry

8:30Mike Minogue:A parry is not that I know but it's like A take and retreat

8:34Keyzie:A thrust and out Yeah okay A jab That's what I said And so I I looked down at my school shirt. There's a beautiful clean cut on my school shirt. Easy to stitch up, so that's good. And I thought to myself, how the fuck did that happen without actually cutting me? Yeah. And then my mate who was holding said knife saw the blood all over it and went, oh, fuck, and freaked out and dropped the knife. But you knew it was him. You'd seen him do it. And I went, oh, fuck. And then I lifted up my school shirt and my intestine was bulging out. That's a true story. True story, yeah. Wow. And I went, oh, fuck.