OUTRO BITS: No-Wipe Zone

0:00Mike Minogue:For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok or Raw Dog It. 4 to 7 every weekday on Radio Horeke. Have I got a fat ass?

0:16Keyzie:Yes, you've got a massive ass. I know it's hairy but I didn't realise it was a peach.

0:21Mike Minogue:Have you got a hairy ass by the way?

0:22Keyzie:Me? Yeah. No. Me either. I've got a beautiful, my ass as I've said many times was my best feature for so long. Right. It's not anymore. It's because you've got that dump truck. Have you got a massive sort of row of hair up and down your crack? No. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Everyone does. No, I don't. Did you get a wax? No, I would. I thought that I didn't, and I got a geezer at mine. Jesus. Yeah. No, I don't. I don't have any hair. Yes, you do. I don't have any hair. Here's a look. Here's a look. Here's a look, Ben.

0:50Mike Minogue:All right. I've been around that area.

0:53Keyzie:There you go. Filthy, disgusting. Why don't you use toilet paper? That is disgusting Are you serious, Jase? A few dags in there, was there? Not a few, mate There's a fucking hedgehog in there, man My God Yeah, sorry about that Well, to be honest It's not an area that you look at a lot Oh yeah, that's why I just can't be bothered It's like wiping your bum or washing your hands It's all good, man It's like making your bed Yeah Cleaning clothes When my wife was away for those two days I didn't wipe my arse. What?

1:29Mike Minogue:Does she wipe your arse? Is that why you didn't wipe it?

1:31Keyzie:No, she doesn't wipe it, but I mean, what's the point? Just me there. I agree. I mean, it's overrated wiping your arse. Don't you sleep nude? Yes. I just scrape the plates, the old plate scraps into the array. It's like an Insincarator. You know what I do is, because I've had a little hill on my backyard there. Hang on, are we still talking about your arse? Yeah, I do what the dog does and just rub my arse. This is all over it. Yeah, on the grass. You drag your ass along. Yeah. Get that tussock land in there just to give it a good cleansing out. How cool does Jace look in his back T-shirt compared to his lemon shirt?

2:08Bring that up. Bring that up right now and just look at how good he looks as a human being in that video. You look cool, man.

2:16Keyzie:Now, the lemon shirt, I'm not sure. I've always suspected you've had an issue with the way I dress. No, I haven't. That I look old. No, I haven't. Not at all.

2:24Mike Minogue:You do look cool in that particular video. He does. But that's because. What? He does. You're dressed like Mogey. Well, no, that's not why he looks cool.

2:34Keyzie:But it has a black T-shirt, which it does look cool. The issue that I, as I've previously explained, that I have with T-shirts is I find it very hard to find one that fits me well. Man buzies. Some man buzies. I actually don't really. Well, actually, I do have a bit of man buzzy, but not really. But I always find I clutch my buzies. That's why you've got a baggie. They don't. That's you just... They don't. You haven't got buzzies at all. But I've found three or four now that kind of fit that I'm comfortable. You know when you put on a T-shirt and you're fucking stretching it out? You've got the wrong size shirt on.

3:07Keyzie:You were saying, Keezy, that you get terrible nip rub. Jase. Jase. You're forever stretching out a T-shirt. I don't wear tight shirts. And Jase, I have no issue with the way you dress. I think you dress very, very well. Well, that's a lie. Except for that lemon shirt. I love this lemon shirt. I like that lemon shirt. I'll say do I. It's bright.

3:29Mike Minogue:That's the thing, Jase. I don't want you to be a guy that dresses cool, man. You know what I mean? I want you to be you. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike, and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki.

3:46Keyzie:What do you think if I start wearing a bit of bling?

3:48Mike Minogue:I'm all for it. Absolutely.

3:50Keyzie:So my daughter has this great kind of necklace. It's a heavy bath. You know the big chain ones? Big, thick chain legs, yeah. That kind of shit. And a bracelet would be good on you. A bracelet? Yeah. I used to be a big fan of bracelets, funnily enough. I used to be as well. Yeah, why is that? Why was I a fan of them? Yeah, I don't know why I was ever – I just was into them. Things that people wear, aren't they? Having shit around my wrist for some reason. Handcuffs. Yeah.

4:14Mike Minogue:Yeah.

4:15Keyzie:I've never done that.

4:16Mike Minogue:No, neither. I have.

4:17Keyzie:Been to jail? Yeah. Well, I've been arrested as well, but I've also done that. I didn't like it. In the boudoir? Yeah. So what were you - Well, I don't know if it were handcuffs, actually. It was just tied.

4:27Mike Minogue:And were you tied to the bedpost? Sure. And were they together or were they apart? I get the feeling it was - I can't remember. This is over 20 years ago. The other day, literally. It might have been behind my back. Nice. But I didn't like it. Yeah, no, I wouldn't like that. I hate that. No, the loss of - I don't like that. Control? The loss of control. I'm not into it. The other day - Unless I've got a ball gag and a dehumanising gimp mask on. If you're going to do it, go the fool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the other day as a bit of a joke, we were getting into it.

4:56Keyzie:You didn't bring up Mogey? No, not on Mogey. I forgot about that.

5:01Mike Minogue:No, I had that real, did I tell you guys about my hard-out eye mask that I've got that blocks out the world? No. When I sleep with it and you wake up at like 8 a.m. and it's like sunny as and you're like, where am I? Because it's so dark. I was like, oh, you should chuck this on. and she's just like, why? And I was like, yeah, no. No reason. Just joking. Just joking. Trying to spice it up a bit, eh? But it was definitely a joke. You can't say in the bedroom why. But the issue was, whatever Jase is picturing now is not how it went down. No, no. And then you instantly got a soft on, eh?

5:45Keyzie:Yeah. Nah, I'm all good. I'm all good. I just love that. Nah, just jokes, jokes. Just lulls. Just lulls. What happened? Anyway, let's get a missionary. Fellas. Put me in the dog. I'll just slip my jamby pants down. Yeah, all good. You're going to picture me standing there,

6:02Mike Minogue:holding, like, naked with a big shit-eating grin on my face, holding this blindfold. Being like, you should put this on. With a rager. With a rager. Nah. And wearing your orthopaedic slippers.

6:15Keyzie:Oh, no. There's way too many images for my mind to cope with. Yeah, that's good. Actually, that is a shocker. Easy. I'll be honest with you here. I got pissed on Saturday night. I knew. I could tell by the way you came in today. Yeah, you're so hard out. I could. Bit sloth-like. Yeah. I was in bed by 11. Which is how I like to do it. Start early, man. Yeah, it's better. I did start early, but I was mixing my drinks. I got a bit excited with my mate, to be fair and dear. That's fun, though. It was. It was good. And yeah, I hadn't seen him for ages, so he's moved back to Auckland, which is great.

6:53Is it? Yeah, no, it is. No, it'll be easy from here on out. My wife had a wrap party. Yeah. And her idea was, well, just go to the wrap party. Don't know how good it's going to be. This is for the Brad Pitt movie. Can I predict? Go on.

7:07Mike Minogue:she got really drunk coming up at like 5am no well I'll tell you so the idea was she was like oh I want to go to this thing I want to have fun but I don't know if we're going to be able to have fun at this wrap party so I might just she goes is it all good if I bring people back here and I was like yeah but up to a point like I don't come back at fucking 3 o 'clock in the morning or something like that and her idea so she was like oh no I'll come back about 10 or 11 and then you guys can you'll still be here so okay sweet well she got home at 2.30 2.2.30 and just came back to collect more piss to go to another after party.

7:48Mike Minogue:Great. And then she got home about 6.30. Honestly your wife cracks me up. That is a good run. She is a part I love that.