OUTRO BITS: Spicing It Up

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0:15Keyzie:My wife is shocking. She's so not into it. So I just hassle her about it all the time about going to church. She's like, no, she doesn't even joke around with me about it because she just is so not into it. Because she's a Satanist.

0:32Mike Minogue:She's pro-Satan, eh? Yeah.

0:35Keyzie:My wife is pro-Satan. Can you clip that off, pug son?

0:39Mike Minogue:Does she still do that thing where she draws a star on the ground and a circle around it and then puts candles? What is that called again? I don't know, man. You're telling the story. You know what I mean? Not a seance. Is it a seance? It's a seance. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Does she still do those seances?

0:59Keyzie:Conjuring Satan We used to do those Did you used to do those? No I never dabbled My mates I never dabbled in that shit Never dabbled in Black Magic? No because I didn't like it I didn't like it I was just going to say You're the kind of person That would have the thing That's like You know it's bullshit But I'm not tempting fate What if it's not Yeah we used to do them All the time when we were kids Yes And Pretty freaky Sure But, of course, someone was always pushing the glass around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you took a lot of Ouija board. And you're always primed anyway mentally and emotionally for any kind of thing to happen because you're on edge.

1:37Keyzie:Yeah. But, you know, I mean, I used to go to church five times a week because of school and stuff. That's right. And that sort of drummed it out of me. Yeah, our grandmother, she was big on it. You know, back in the day, that sort of generation everybody was. So we used to have to go. And then she got to a point in her life where she was like, no, this is bullshit. which was great because it meant that now we didn't have to go anymore. Yeah, yeah.

1:58Mike Minogue:I still remember at school, at primary school, there was this really cool thing that all the other kids got to do but a few of us kids didn't and it was called Cool Bananas. And they got to go into the big assembly hall and run around and play games and do all this fun stuff and I never knew why I wasn't allowed to do it until I talked to my mum about it and she was like, oh, that was like a church thing. They were trying to recruit everyone. So she was like, you know, I said you weren't doing it because they call it Cool Bananas, do all the fun stuff. And then, hey, let's do flips and quickly read this little verse from the Bible and let's go back to a lolly scramble.

2:26Mike Minogue:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I wasn't allowed to do it. Pretty good.

2:29Keyzie:I remember you telling me that story, Keezy, of when you were like seven and your mum took you to a church and you were walking in the church and your skin started burning. Because you've been pulling your pud so much. Yeah, at seven. Yeah, man. That's early, man. Your skin started like smoking.

2:48Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show with Jace, Mike and Kesey. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. Can I talk you through my comedy night last night? Oh, yeah. Okay, so it was - Not your comedy night. No, I wasn't doing it. Mania and his partner who live down the road from us out west, Auckland. She was like, do you guys want to come to this comedy night? There's a bar out there, quite a nice bar. I was like, yeah, sweet. 30 bucks each. Bought the tickets last week. Jesus. Lock it in, I know. How many people on the card? Six, one of them being the MC.

3:22Mike Minogue:One of them also being Tony Lyle, who works here in the ACC in Game of Two Halves and is a very funny comic. So we're excited to go and support Tony. Was that why you went? You were excited, were you? Yeah, well, we didn't go just to, we just went because it's a local comedy night. Get you out, mate. Yeah, midweek. It's like doing a quiz or something, you know? So my wife and I are late because the traffic is fucked on the Western because it was raining. It's shocking. Starts at seven. We get there quarter past seven, and I'm like, God, here we go. I have to walk in through a packed house late, and I'm probably going to get roasted by a comic.

3:51Mike Minogue:I walk in and I'm like, oh, we've obviously got the wrong place because it is half empty and no one's speaking. There's no comic anywhere. Nothing's happening. It's like a half empty restaurant. Turns out it is happening. They're having microphone issues and lighting issues. Oh, no. And they sold so few tickets that they decided to keep the restaurant open and just everyone that bought a ticket then got a free meal to sort of pay it back. Oh, wow. However, they didn't shut down the restaurant. So while the comic was speaking, you picture a big open room. All that's in the middle is a row of plants.

4:24Mike Minogue:On the right side is a full-blown dinner service happening with kids, you know, like people having yarns, people having neppy hours. Oh, no. The dream. Yeah.

4:31Keyzie:The dream. Oh, no.

4:32Mike Minogue:On the left side is everyone that's paid to see this comedy gig, and the comic is in the middle in a dark area with a bright TV behind them so you couldn't see where they were looking. Like it was like a silhouette. And they'd be like, hey, what do you do for a crowd? Like looking at someone, and you couldn't tell who they were looking at. It was that bad. The microphone was cutting out and the dinner service was so loud that the guy I'm seeing was like, this is one of the worst. He was Irish or something. Or Scottish. He was Scottish. It was one of the worst gigs I think I've ever done. Because he was just, and then like he kept to be halfway through.

5:02Was that Alan McElroy?

5:04Mike Minogue:Something like that? Maybe. Got a beard? Yeah. And he was a funny dude as well. Yeah. And he literally would go halfway through a joke and have to stop because the kids knocked over the giant Jenga tower. It was, and we were just sitting there like, fuck, this is terrible. Well, whoever the bar manager is needs to tell those people to move to the outdoor area, which is all set up. No one's out there with heaters. Just be like, you're not here for this. Go sit out there. Give him a new microphone that works because it kept cutting out. It must have been killing you, Kesey, knowing that you could have helped.

5:33Mike Minogue:Oh, man. That you could have fixed it. Knowing that, to be honest, Minaya was there who's the opposite of me, and he doesn't give a shit. He wanted to go up there and help somehow. It's like, I don't know whether you unplug it, blow on the cord, and then plug it back in, just try anything. So we get there late, and it hasn't started yet because of all the issues, right? so that's good. We sit down. Probably, I reckon there's nine people in the crowd that are there to watch the comedy night. Yes. Six of which being on our table. There's these guys, these Westies, old boys probably in their 60s who have been on the piss for like four hours, I reckon, right in the middle of everything and they are having loud yarns in the middle of the restaurant and do not give a fuck.

6:10Mike Minogue:And if anyone wants to hit them up, they all had like mohawks and like denim vests on and shit. So they were proper like bogans. so no one could do anything about that. They left after an hour, fortunately. And then Lana Walters was the first person on who's a great comic, very experienced. Her microphone just wouldn't work. Couldn't see her. It was an absolute fucking shambles. Tony Lyle was an hour and 20 minutes late and I love Tony but it's classic Tony Lyle and the Alan dude was freaking out who was just like, where the fuck is Tony Lyle? And then all the comics did relatively well. They managed to sort some stuff out.

6:45Mike Minogue:But finally, Mania put his hand up and said, can you turn the screen off behind you so we can actually see you? Because we'd had a few beers by then and we felt like we could actually say something.

6:53Keyzie:Sure.

6:53Mike Minogue:So he turned off and was like, oh, so you can actually see us now? I was like, yeah. So we just did an hour of comedy and no one could see us. I was like, yeah, and couldn't really hear you either. So that was cool. And then Tony comes on. He does really well. He's a bit flustered because he's a bit late, but he probably did the best out of everyone. The last guy, right? The closer. 55 years old, I reckon. Said he's been doing comedy for 35 years. I hadn't heard of him. and I was like, hey, that's probably a bad sign. Right? 35 years in the game. He said he's been doing it for 35 years. That's right.

7:20It's a strange thing to point out.

7:22Mike Minogue:It is. Yeah, and it's like I haven't heard. Instantly I'm like, oh, God, why haven't we heard of you? Why haven't we seen you around? He wasn't English, was he? No, he was Kiwi. Okay. No, he was West Auckland. He made it known. He did an entire set about how back in the day you could do stuff that you can't do now, which is the most, like, cliche thing. But, like, people were laughing. one of the things he talked about was like how he had a go at people with ADHD autism he did a Japanese accent for a large part of it he did a bit about I would have loved that this guy gets it people were laughing right so there were people there that were loving it we were laughing because of the situation we were like fuck is this actually happening and then the closer for him was he did a bit about and you'll probably find this funny about when he's so old that his nuts are going to hang so low he'll be at the retirement home pretending he's got dementia and just walking around with his nuts out and they'll be like oh poor blah blah he's got dementia he's like nah I don't I just want my nuts out and I don't care anymore and also he's going to practice because they're so saggy he's going to practice using them like poise and then started pretending to sing the Poirier song like at the full start of that song what a legend how many he must have two scrotums like you Jax yeah yeah It was fucking like...

8:40Crook.

8:41Mike Minogue:It was one of those nights where I just go, I went, thank God I do not have to pursue comedy through that route of like gigs like that.

8:49Keyzie:We have this conversation probably every six months where we go, we need to expand our cooking range here because we tend to go for your safeties. You know what I mean? What we do, stock standard. We just go, we'll have this tonight. You go, missionary meals. Yes. Yes. With the pyjama pants on and the fly open and the lights off. That's right. In the missionary position. But every now and then you have to put yourself into the dog. Yes. With your pants off. Is this still squid chat?

9:19Mike Minogue:I know this is dinner chat.

9:20Keyzie:I very rarely cook squid at home. I would love to see you cook a squid. I used to cook a bit of squid in the day. God, it was good. Yeah, man. My squid days. Yeah. Far out. What about in your boudoir? Do you feel like you've got to spice that up? Oh, no, we're pretty good. Good on you, mate. Yeah, but it's that thing of it's not just you in terms of, you know, my wife's ageing as well. Oh, she is. You know. You're saying really fast.

9:52Keyzie:But, you know, on both sides. And so you've got in some ways a double whammy, but you fall into a kind of relaxed state about it. You know what it was like when you were a young buck and you were just frothing all the time? Yes. It's not like that anymore. It's not like that. It's not like that. And it's like, oh, yeah, we can do it now. That'll be cool.

10:12Mike Minogue:Right. That sounds. Then I give the old slug a slap and it sort of wakes up off my feet. Yeah. Picture like an old car where you've got to like pull. With those little hands there. Yeah. Pull the choke and then leave it warming up for a while. Yeah, well, you do. Pull the choke. Yeah. And then eventually, shit, she's up and ready to go. Quick, quick. Quick.

10:32Keyzie:Oh, damn it.