OUTRO: Off The Rails

0:28This podcast features Jason Hoyte and Mike Minogue and Keyzie. I mean, this should be our normal music going forward. Oh, for the outro. Yeah, yeah, totally. This is magnificent.

0:34Mike Minogue:So we've got a little portable set up here. We're in the cafe carriage of the Transalpine, and we haven't used this set up since the batch files. Yes. So Pugs has actually loaded a few little snippets in. Oh, how good. What have I got? That's the music. Oh. That's the, yeah, yeah.

0:54Keyzie:It's a very aesthetically pleasing little board, whatever it is. It's got all the sort of neon lights and very compact. But, yes, here we are on the train and after a magnificent night down in Christchurch. It's always good down in Christchurch, isn't it? Are you taking photos of my shoes now? No, of the angle of your feet. And funnily enough, while he was taking photos of your feet, I was taking images of his feet. Right. Because he's got the loafers on. Yeah, he's got his shiny loafers on.

1:24Mike Minogue:Talking Pugsan, by the way. We're currently going over Arthur's Pass. Are we? Doing a radio show while driving up in the mountains next to a river. It's pretty amazing. Now, we're just about to get to the cast, apparently, Fielas. And the cast has got a population of one person. Barry. Barry the Mad Dog. And we went past him and he was standing outside and it was like Hoardy Joe was looking in the mirror.

1:46Keyzie:Mate, it's the sort of life I aspire to, Fielas, with my trilby hat on. Coming to greet the folks in the train. How long do you think you'd last? Oh, about a day? Yeah, I think you get torn apart by a grizzly bear and there aren't any hair. Yes, I think I would die. But this is the other thing. Look at these houses out here. Look at this. It's beautiful. The other thing is it always sparks my fantasies of going bush places like this. I completely agree. It's the kind of place that makes you wish you were a different person. Yes. The kind of person that could go bush and not die. I mean, you'd certainly die out here, Keezy.

2:23Keyzie:You wouldn't last 20 minutes. No, I know, but I wouldn't pretend I could, like you guys. No, I wouldn't pretend I could. I'm very well aware that I – as we were coming over, we were pointing out, weren't we, Keezy, as so many people would have before us, but there was the telegraph poles and you think somebody's had to put those there. This train track that we're running on that somebody's had to put there, I would have just stayed home and said, just let's not worry about it, fellas. Yeah, let's just get a bit of – let's pass. Do we need a train track to grey out? Do we need connection? I don't think so.

2:52Just stay here, do a little bit of work.

2:54Keyzie:Well, you see, because the thing is, too, I watch a lot of camping videos on YouTube. Right. No, camp videos. And it's always dudes in Alaska who are out in the wild, you know, and they just go camping and catch their own food and, you know, make their own shelters and it just sparks the sort of wild man in me. It does, briefly. And then you go outside and have a vape and you say to yourself, oh, it's cold. Yeah, it's very nippy.

3:21Mike Minogue:Well, actually, just on that.

3:22Keyzie:I've left my jersey in my bag.

3:24Mike Minogue:Jace has spent the entire train trip trying to charge his vape off a power bank. It's just pathetic because it's just, your vape's empty, you're fuming about it. And whilst this beautiful scenery is outside, Jace is desperately plugging in his vape. Jace was, and this is a true story, Jace was up at four o 'clock in the morning fantasising about being able to get a new vape. Googled a local gas station.

3:48Keyzie:No, Google Maps. Ten minutes will be arriving in the house. I can have a vape then. Then we get five minutes on the side of the road. side of the train track. Hoody J searched when the nearest gas station would open. There was one 450 metres up the road. He got up there, crack a door, and 6am he was banging on the door. But it was gas only. It didn't have a shop attached. Yeah, it was a pun yourself. And old Hoody J himself said he was effing and jeffing. I was so fuming, eh? I was just like, because I got a little bit lost even with Google Maps. That sounds about right. That's why you'd be so good in the wild because there is no right way to go.

4:24Keyzie:Exactly, Mogi, exactly.

4:26Mike Minogue:Well, it's like we watched, my wife and I watched Hunt for the Wilder People at the theatre. The theatre. I was convinced that I could have been a wilder person with, what's his name, Ricky? That's how good the acting was. Yeah, Ricky and Sam Neill. I was like, when they go bush, it's actually quite fun. It looks quite fun. It looks fun, yeah. So I was like, I could go bush. But the reality is I wouldn't be able to last at all.

4:46Keyzie:Yeah, well, you're a real device kind of guy, Gizzy, whereas I don't need much. and so you just need a power bank.

4:55Mike Minogue:Honestly, I think I would do the best out of the three of us if we all went bush. This is now, there's some content in this. Naked.

5:04Keyzie:And afraid. I would be afraid. Just drop us in the centre. Drop us in Victoria Park there in the middle of Auckland.

5:11Mike Minogue:Oh, my phone's going off. Oh, shit. What is it, a phone call? Oh, no, it's just telling me to charge my vape. Oh, my God. The Hauraki Big Show. Weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show with Jase, Mike and Keezy. Tune in weekdays at four on Radio Hauraki. But seriously, if we did do some sort of naked, do we have to be naked? No, we don't have to be. Because this is the part that we're missing. I bet outside right now it's actually freezing. It's quite cold. It comes through the glass. Yeah, it'll be freezing out there. So we'd need to build a fire straight away. It feels like we're in the middle of nowhere, except I can see a truck over there driving down a road.

5:49Mike Minogue:No, well, this is the road through to Arthur's Pass.

5:52Keyzie:You see, this isn't wild enough for me. No. The fact that I can see civilization doesn't work for me. I need it to be fully bush and tussock land. What percentage bush is this, do you reckon? It's pretty bushy, Jase. I'd say it's about 95 % bush. Oh, no, I'd say it's a 3 out of 10 bush. You've got all these power lines. I can see vans parked over there. Camper bans, yeah. We're on a train. We're on a train. That gives it away. We're waiting for a coffee. There's a coffee machine right there. This is 95 % douche for Joe's. Yes. How was your sleep, fellas? Terrible. Terrible sleep.

6:30Mike Minogue:Oh, God. Real shocker. Yeah, mine was a shocker too. But when you come away on a trip like this, I kind of reside myself to the fact that I'm going to have shitty sleeps. Yes. And you just go, oh, well. Well, last night, what was your issue? You had the air con. I had the air con. Yeah, the air con for me as well. Blowing a gale.

6:49Keyzie:But no, his issue was that he was pretty steamed and he wanted to burn it out, which is a thing I can relate to. No, he wanted to burn out the sickness. Yeah, you want to burn out the sickness. But he was just getting stabbing pains in his bowels.

7:06Mike Minogue:Because I ordered a spicy Thai noodle curry, which is delicious. And the lady said medium, and I said hot. and she said, oh, do you like it hot? We can make it Thai hot. And there were people around me sort of looking. Right. And I was like, yeah, yeah, Thai hot. Oh, did you have it Thai hot? Yeah, and it was a huge mistake. Yeah. I had a taste of it. It was pretty average. You can't enjoy it. Well, it was so good for the first half of it. And then what happens is it just started compounding and then it all hit at once. Right. And then every time I had another mouthful, it was just mayhem. But I ate it all.

7:35Mike Minogue:This is beautiful. It is bloody beautiful, isn't it? It is. Because you guys were texting around about 8.30 there. do you want to come out for dinner? I just devoured a chicken burger while lying on my bed with some chips and a can of Coca-Cola.

7:49Keyzie:Was it room service? Yeah, and it was lights out. I was lights out at 8.56. Wow. Was it good? It was good enough, absolutely, yeah. Yeah. I made the mistake of not ordering any water.

8:01Mike Minogue:Yeah, I usually drink water out of the tap of a hotel room, but for some reason at that one I was like, I don't know. I didn't get a very clean water vibe from the hotel, if you know what I mean. No.

8:13Keyzie:Yeah, no, I sort of tossed and turned for quite a while, and then, yeah, as I say, I woke up at four. The rubbish trucks. Rubbish trucks. But you get that in the big city, the big smoke. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm pretty – How many different shades of backbone are you, do you think? I don't know, man. You're in a city, you're Hoardy J backbone.

8:35Mike Minogue:He's in a wild man, Hoardy J. Full bush. You're out in the wops, full bush, 95 % bush in a train. But the reality is he's actually none of these things. Everywhere he goes, he's terrified. I sort of imagine you back in medieval days, Jason, because you've got to find your value, don't you? Yes. And I sort of see you in the king's court. Yes. And you would be the jester. Court jester, 100%. And every time, and we should absolutely make this, because every now and again the king's going to say, bring me my jester. And then whatever the person is, is going to come out and grab you and you're going to go.

9:13And you're going to put on your hat with a bell on either end and go walking out with your feet at 9 and 3 o 'clock with the bells on the end and go walking out there and able to cheer them up. I'm picturing you juggling. At the risk of death as well, Jase, because you're put to death if you're not good enough, so you're going to have to commit. I love that idea for you.

9:34Mike Minogue:So he's juggling and he's looking at the king. He's like, what do you do for a crosser? Ah, backbone. Yeah, man. Off with their heads. Sounds good to me, fellas. Off with their heads. Oh, good stuff there, fellas. What would you be doing, though, Keezy? I'd probably be an advisor or like the King's Royal Chamberlain or something. Oh, yeah. You'd be the, what do they call them, a footman in charge of jacking it. That's not what they call them. That's not a position. Yeah, stable boy. I'd be a stable boy. I'd be a stable boy. Yep, 100%. Working on the old horses there. Hey, I hope you've enjoyed this train special.

10:08Mike Minogue:Mogi, don't touch the buttons. Mogi, stop it. He's never had access to sound effects before. I'm loving it. Oh, cricket. A little cricket there. Sound good. Yeah, yeah. Folks, thank you for listening to the train outro. Yeah, there's going to be more train content coming your way. It's probably already come your way, actually. Yeah, don't forget the big show, 4 to 7 weekdays, Radio Haraki. See you later. You could forget it.