OUTRO: R18 R18 R18

0:00Keyzie:Yeah, hi there to all our loyal listeners out there. Now listen, this is an absolute disclaimer for this podcast. It's a shocker. And I'm actually quite embarrassed about it. And I also need to make the point, I started it. You did start it, yeah. It wasn't Mogi's fault this time. It wasn't my fault, man. It is a shocker. If there's kids, don't play it, all right? For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, Get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok. Or Raw Doggy. Four to seven every weekday on Radio Hurtick. Yeah. Yeah, man. I don't like the way you just threw down your wallet then, Mogi.

0:41Keyzie:Oh, really? It reeked of, I'm going to forget that bastard. You literally sort of looked away and chucked it on the desk there. And I went, I bet Mogi will forget that. I appreciate your concern, but it's also sitting right next to my car keys. so very difficult to leave without those. Well. I feel good about that. Given your current form. I'll probably think that I rode my bike in. Yes, and leave both of them behind. You found your car keys? Huh? You found your car key? No, I got new ones. Ah. Yeah. Go on, Keezy, ask me. What? You know you've got some questions around that.

1:12Mike Minogue:No, no, I just thought you'd find them. Have you not? Nah. Oh, okay. Wasn't it 200 bucks or something? Ah, see? Yeah, you mentioned it last week. No, it was more than that. Was it? It was like 280. Because I had to get a key and I had to get the little beep beep thing, which I didn't have on my last one anyway. Fob.

1:29Keyzie:Are you still right now going, what the fuck did I do with them? No, I'm pretty sure that I must have been chucking shit in the bin because we're still cleaning stuff up at the new office. Right, okay. And it just got chucked in with that. Yeah. Look, dude, when you lose as much shit as I do, you let it go pretty, pretty, pretty quick. I would have got fitted for, oh, you would have seen my new glasses. You're not wrong, Jase. You're not fucking cheap. No. So we're going to do a break on this on the show? I think we're probably sure. Yeah. Sounds good.

1:59Mike Minogue:Because the thing I do, literally the exact same thing, is I leave my mug and stuff out there and put my car keys on top. Right, yeah. So I have to, you know. Yeah.

2:09Keyzie:Don't you also have a cock ring and you hang the keys off those? Those? off your ring and so that when you come in, you go wheeze and then hang your keys on them. Off my cock ring. I'm sorry. A disclaimer. Can I just say that that had nothing to do with me whatsoever? Yeah, that wasn't Mogi's fault. I apologise. That was shocking. Maybe we should even delete that. Nah, leave it in, man. You're a shocking bastard, mate. That stays. Oh, jerry me. Well, you know, I was just telling, I bought another vape today, Muggie, and I'm fuming about it because I got back from golf, could not find my vape anywhere, and I was like, I must have fucking dropped it somewhere.

2:56Keyzie:Right. Searched all through the car, searched the bench. What do you call it? There's something of vape anxiety or vape panic or something when you can't find it.

3:06Mike Minogue:Really? There's some phrase for it when you're not in your right state of mind.

3:11Keyzie:Well, this is the crazy thing. and I looked in my car about five times. Was it hanging out of your arsehole ring? No. It was definitely a disclaimer. Do you have an arsehole ring? But here's the thing. Five times. Check the bench, the couch, every bench, over and over again. I get the feeling it was on the bench. No. How many benches have you got? So I drive in after buying a new vape. There we go. Get out of the car, sitting right in the middle of the passenger seat. Right. And I even ran my hand over that. Yeah. Like, where is it? And what the fuck is that? You know what I think it is, man? I think that's further evidence that we're in a simulation.

3:54Yes. I go through that all the time where I go, where the fuck? And I turn around and it is literally right where I've been looking, but you would swear that it wasn't there a second ago. Yes. And the computers just put it back there when you had your head to.

4:06Mike Minogue:You'd be happy to know that's never happened to me. That's evidence. That's never happened to me.

4:09Keyzie:It happens all the time. Isn't that thing, I don't know if you guys do this as well, and my wife always finds it very amusing, is when I'm looking in the pantry for something and I go, oh, where's the ladder? Where's the fucking Marmite? And I'll be staring, staring, staring, and my wife every time. Walk straight down and it's right in front of your face. And she says, I bet it's right in front of you. And it's like, I'm looking at it, it's not right in front of me. And then she'll go, do you want me to have a look? Well, I never, this is why I never ask, because I know it's right in front of me.

4:41And I know if I call her, she's going to come straight in and I look like a complete fuck in the weekend. Do you get that easy, sir?

4:47Mike Minogue:Not yet. Yeah, man. Maybe it's something that'll start happening. That's shit. Yeah, it might be. Maybe it is.

4:52Keyzie:But seriously, that was bizarre, that it was right in the middle. It was like, what the, how did I miss that?

4:59Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show Podcast. I had a pretty great discovery today. I had to get a new card for our flat account, Keezy. Right. Now, Billzy's account and stuff, our everyday utilities sort of things. And I could have sworn I had one. In fact, I did. I knew I had one. But I lost it. I couldn't find it. So I ordered a new one, which turned up today. Great. Turned up today. But I've been without one for quite a long time because they never delivered it. Then they delivered one for the wrong account, just one thing after the other, the usual.

5:42And then today I went to make the bed. What is lying in the bed, in my fucking bed, except the card that I have not been able to find for months. The old one. The old one is lying where my arse would be in the sheets. and the only thing I can think of is that my arsehole ring has come undone.

6:07But I swear to God that card was there. Now we have changed the sheets. How many times I go to bed naked, how the fuck is this thing sitting there? And now that sort of thing happens, Jase, and I just go.

6:23Mike Minogue:Have you ever put your wallet through the washing machine? No. Never. And that is the very first time I've ever lost my car keys in my life. Yeah, right. So that's a positive. Because I'm trying to figure out the logic behind the card being where your arse is in the bed, other than obviously your arse ring. Dude, unbelievable. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out how it could have happened. I don't know. And that's why I say it's the, what do you call it there? It's a glitch in the matrix. It's a glitch in the matrix. Yeah, right.

6:51Keyzie:Well, like I say, I ran my hand over. I ran my hand over my car seat, the passenger side. Right. Did that. So what the fuck's it doing sitting in the middle of my car seat? Did you check the bench? Did you check all of your benches? How many benches have you got? I'm right on edge at the moment. Why? Because he couldn't find his vape. But do you get like that when you can't find your vape and it gets a bit panicky? No, no. I just get sort of, no, I don't. You don't get wound up. Nah, not really. I got on the TV remote yesterday. I might go, for fuck's sake, what have I done with it? But then I get distracted by something else.

7:27Keyzie:How much is a vape?

7:28Mike Minogue:Fuck all. That black thing, the whole black thing, is that what you're talking about? It's like 40 bucks and it comes with a couple of thingies. Correct. That's pretty good. Fuck that, it's cheap, isn't it? Yeah, well, when you consider it. To a pack of the ciggy. Which is 50 odd bucks. Which I blasted through over the weekend. Yes, I can tell by your voice. It was good, but I think it's more the nap. I had a nap today. Your voice doesn't sound as bad, is it? Well, not bad, but it's usually way deeper. Yeah, I haven't been getting, I don't really, yeah. Anyway, I left that barbecue at 9 o 'clock.

7:57We left that barbecue. 9pm. 9pm. The one you said was going to be a biggie. Yeah, that's right. What time did you start? Got around there at 3.

8:05Mike Minogue:Oh, wow. So not bad because everyone had their kids. Everyone had to go home. It was a bit of a power play, but no one was steamed or anything like that. It was really good. Right, so everyone sort of called it at that point. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was really good. Oh, that's great. Just great, guys.

8:20Keyzie:Really great. That's great. That's great, man. Whereas Keezy was telling me he had a huge one.

8:25Mike Minogue:Oh, did you? No, not really. Played golf. You don't sound very nasally. No, I'm fine. Played golf, teed off at 9am, finished at 1, had a couple of beers, went to have a barbecue. Five hours? Nine till one, four hours. Oh, you're right. Had a couple of beers at the clubhouse, then had a barbecue, had a few more beers, was home at 9pm. Just chipping away. 9pm. Chipping away.

8:47Keyzie:Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad at all, Casey. I mean, I had a pretty quiet one too, fellas.

8:53Mike Minogue:Jase, that's not how I sound. And I don't have a cock ring, all right? Why not man, they're cool Where does the cock ring go? Through the head of your penis Through the eye So it goes through your eye So if you can imagine you're staring down the barrel of Hoity J's cock Hang on Hang on Now it's about 6 inches away Just tighten your grip on it Just loosen off your hand I'm trying It doesn't make it's way around So if you can imagine this piece of metal Which is like a half a moon like the crescent of a moon, goes in the eye and then down through the bottom. And out near the bottom of the banjo string there.

9:35No, no, just right in the – just in your helmet. Oh, wow, the bottom of the helmet.

9:38Keyzie:Oh, my God. So it's just straight in the eye. I didn't know it went down the eye. Straight down the eye there. And then maybe it only – and it will go down through the bottom of the sea occ, maybe 10 to 15 mils further back down the urethra. How do you know this? How do you not? Do you guys want to take Do you guys want to make a$200 bet that Pugs has one? I think he'll probably have one in his life Yeah

10:09Mike Minogue:The thing I don't get is out of all the things to pierce Why risk piercing the old downstairs fella?

10:15Keyzie:Well I think

10:17Mike Minogue:What does it do?

10:18Keyzie:It's for her pleasure Really? I know that has never crossed your mind No no no but how does having a ring? Some of them enjoy it A ring. Yeah, well, it's like having condoms that are ribbed for her pleasure. I saw one that. It's a different sensation. Condoms? A person that worked here showed us of a dude that a dude had sent her. And she used to work here. I won't mention her name. Oh, who was that? And the head was literally split. Separated one. Separated. And I was like, oh, God. Oh, God. Yuck. How is that? And she was intrigued by it. She was like, tell me what's good about that? And his answer was, my pleasure is greater, with bits flapping all over the place.

11:07Keyzie:Like a seal clapping? I just went, oh, my God.

11:11Mike Minogue:That's not, yeah.

11:12Keyzie:No, it's not. I just want to apologise to the audience. This has been a shocker, and I started it. You're a shocking bastard.

11:19Mike Minogue:Well, there's meat and potatoes, Keezy, straight down the middle, lights on missionary. Yes. But then there's splitting your penis in two with a cock ring. Like, somewhere in the middle is a good spot to operate, I think. Yeah, I think so. So how long have you had a cock ring, Moogie? About nine years. Wow.

11:33Keyzie:Yeah, that's good. Wow. No rust or anything like that going on? Stainless steel. That was good, though. That's the key, man. Come on, brother. A steel one. It's rusting away. I've got my bronze one. Oh, yeah. I've got one made out of luncheon sausage. Yeah. Tobacco. Funnily enough, my one's made out of bone. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah, whalebone. That's tapu, isn't it? You can't have whalebone, man. That's shocking. That's racist. Your penis is being racist. That's why your life is cursed and you can't find your mate. Oh, take it out now then, Chester.

12:05Mike Minogue:All right, Hoody J's whalebone chode ring. Hey, listen to the big show, 4 to 7 weekdays. Radio hodake.