OUTRO: The Hypothetical [R18]

0:00Jason Hoyte:Kia ora, it's Pugs here. Just voicing a quick disclaimer ahead of this podcast because these three buffoons figured that it wasn't appropriate to do one. I'll let you take that up with them. But just if you have kids in the car, just be wary. There's some themes in here that are not appropriate for young ears. Otherwise, have a beautiful day. Thanks for listening. For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok or Raw Doggy. Four to seven every weekday on Radio Hoda Ike. G'day, fellas. G'day, fellas. Hello. How are we all going? We good?

0:41Jason Hoyte:She's a hot bastard today, boys. Yes, pretty steamy, wasn't it? Pretty weird. I've got this weird rash on my elbow at the moment. Oh, you think you've got a weird rash? Have you got a weird dick? Can I look at your dick, Keezy? Well, show me. Go on, Keezy, man. Be a backbone.

0:58Mike Minogue:You think that's a rash? You should check out my penis, man. Now that's fucked.

1:03Jason Hoyte:Are you saying that I caught my rash off your penis? I don't know, man. I hope not for your sake. I've got a thing on my chin. It's not a rash. Is it testicles? But it bleeds quite badly when I bump it. It's almost like I've got glass in there or something. Oh, under the skin. Under the skin, and every now and then it breaks through again and bleeds again. Jase has had this happen before. No, I was going to say, sometimes... When we touch. Because you probably can't say, whenever I shave, I nick this thing, and the makeup lady was telling me some blood vessels are really close to the surface, and you nick them constantly, and so it constantly pisses blood.

1:43Jason Hoyte:It could be that. Could be. Could be that. Could be that. We don't know. outside of the fact that I haven't had a shave for a week and it started bleeding today for no reason. Wow, that is weird. Yeah, it happened recently as well. Put it some shrapnel on your chin, man. Yeah. Are you scratching it or anything? It's just spontaneously bleeding. Nah, like today I was in the shower and it started, I think with the stubble that it sort of aggravates. I don't know what the story is, Jase. It happened recently again and it used to happen years ago. I reckon it's the big C. I've got to go to the, I think it's a Dormer.

2:13A what? A Dormer. What's that? Dilma. It's like tea. Tea. From Sri Lanka. Yeah. Fine as Dilma tea. Okay. You would have seen the ad. And that's what I've seen. You did the voice.

2:25Jason Hoyte:Do try it. Pugs. I mean, that's all right, isn't it? That's an impression. I was just doing an impression of the ad. Are you allowed to do an impression of an ad? Are you allowed to do an impression of every single ad except people that have got accents? Well, give me another ad and I'll do an impression. Do you think that guy would care that you did an accent? We should ask him. I don't know. I don't know either, but I'm certainly not going to risk it. The terrible thing about the Dilma tea ads is they're not true. Why? They're not a family. That, you know, me and my family have done that. No, because apparently it's a big issue now.

3:01It's just the way you do it, because you do it with hate in your heart.

3:04Mike Minogue:Oh, shit. It's the venom. So born in 1985, first producer-owned tea brand, named after founder Meryl J. Fernando's two sons, Diane and Malik. Come on. So what are you making up about it?

3:18Jason Hoyte:Well, I heard that it wasn't a big family thing at all. Well, it is. And who did you hear that from? Some prick in a warrior's jersey?

3:27Mike Minogue:Some guy at the urinal? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Well, there you go. We'll put that one to rest. Okay. So I've just put in the chat, fellas. Keezy's... Time travel hypothetical. Time travel hypothetical. Yeah. I was reading a book. I'm pretty sure. Bullshit. I read this book. Hang on.

3:42Jason Hoyte:Was it a man? What are they called? Big pictures in it of buzzies. Nanga. Manga comic with buzzies.

3:48Mike Minogue:I read this book 16 years ago.

3:50Jason Hoyte:That sounds more like it. Was it Lord of the Flies? Was it Wilbur Smith?

3:53Mike Minogue:Longer. Longer. Probably 17, 18, with my high school girlfriend, loved reading and always wanted me to read books. Yeah. She gave me a book. I hope you're dubbed her. You probably heard of it, The Time Traveller's Wife. Oh, yes, my wife loved that book. I ran about the time that the movie came out. It was. It was. Hugh Jackman. That's right, Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. and in that book at a certain point I'm pretty sure if I'm misremembering it the dude goes back in time and visits his like slightly younger self yes and then like beats himself off oh does he

4:27Jason Hoyte:is that why you and your girlfriend read it because there's a masturbation scene in it no then you went home and beat yourself off

4:33Mike Minogue:trust me at that age I would have been cracking up about it and she would have been going all like oh you're like taking the wrong meaning you're disgusting yeah yeah but it was like for some reason that pops up in my head every now and then. It's like if you go back in time and you visit yourself from like a year ago. Would you tear yourself off? Would you have a go at yourself? I mean, because you've had a go at yourself before. Yeah. What does it matter if it's you from the future? Well, you know what? I probably wouldn't. No, neither would I because I think even confronting myself as a future version.

4:58I reckon you would. What? You'd love it. That's the first thing on the cards for Old Keezy. Do you know why I wouldn't do it, man? Why? Because I wouldn't be able to feel it. I'd only be able to feel it if I jacked myself off.

5:11Mike Minogue:But you in the future, you in the present day, is having a pleasurable experience, knowing that in a year's time you will pay it forward back to yourself. Oh, right. You'll be thinking, geez, I'll be on the other end of this. So you'll be going back and talking, oh, I'm going to go jack myself off.

5:25Jason Hoyte:There's something really disgusting about it.

5:27Mike Minogue:100%. Is it? Is it?

5:30Jason Hoyte:But also, didn't he, every time he went back, he would be naked?

5:34Mike Minogue:Yeah, something like that.

5:35Jason Hoyte:He'd wake up in a strange place and be nude. That was Quantum Leap. No, it wasn't. I'm going to be honest. Did you guys ever watch a show called Nowhere Man? Try and concentrate, man.

5:45Mike Minogue:Hang on, hang on, hang on. I read half the book and then didn't read the rest of it. Then jacked yourself off. And then jacked off. Got to the jacking off bit, jacked off, and then that was it. The question is, I guess, and not that it matters one way or the other, but are you gay if you jack yourself off in a time-travelling hypothetical? The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show podcast.

6:06Jason Hoyte:Oh, so you're saying he's going back in time and literally jacking his younger self off. That's right. Here he is. What did you think I was saying? Welcome to the conversation. I thought... Wait, wait.

6:14Mike Minogue:You're saying I went back in time and then just had a beat. No, he went back in time, found himself, and found himself and then went in there and jacked himself off and made himself watch. Oh, no, what the hell? That'll be a hell of a picture. That's so weird. Why would you do that, Jase? Well, Jase was right. That is weird. I don't know, man.

6:30Jason Hoyte:I was confused by what you were saying.

6:32Mike Minogue:Yeah, but I'm pretty sure in the book that he does that. Now, I could be wrong. Yeah, okay. But I'm pretty sure I remember being like, is that weird or is that all gay? Now, is that question allowed now? What do you mean? Is it gay? I don't know. No, I'm saying, is that question allowed? Do you know what I'm saying? Because that is an interesting question. If you go back in time and you beat yourself off. Is that gay? I don't think it is because it's you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's you from a year ago. And it wouldn't matter if it was. I want to know.

7:03Jason Hoyte:Bully for you. 100%. what the person being, you being jacked off by you is thinking. Yeah, so you're just sitting there. Yes. And how come you're fully into it?

7:16Mike Minogue:Well, it's just, you're just paying it, as I said, you're just paying it forward. Like one day, one day you're just sitting there, Jase. This is the weirdest conversation we've ever had. Can we get pugs in on this chat, man? A hundred percent it is. Can you tap into this chat? Can you use your microphone? Does that work? It's better when you stay out there.

7:34Jason Hoyte:We didn't want you coming in, Pugs Come on What do you think about that, Pugs? Hold on, hold on

7:40Mike Minogue:Hold on There he is I can't do it

7:45Jason Hoyte:Pose me the question, please Would you go back to your younger self Yes In time travel and jack yourself off And if you did, does it make you gay? Great Great question Because this is not a bad thing I'm just wondering if that qualifies Yeah, and that's totally fine Your curiosity is totally valid, Buggy. Because you're quite sexually curious, eh? Yeah. I'm curious about the answer for this. I think... We should run this as a big poll.

8:16Mike Minogue:I don't know if it is. The question is because technically you're jacking off another man. Well, you absolutely are. But also the other man is you. Because the other thing is, from my point of view, I'm just sitting there. I'm imagining I'm in my bedroom. You're doing a bit of work? Doing a bit of work. I'm at my laptop in my bedroom. And then I walk in. Officer Mogey. I walk in, but I'm an older, probably less attractive version of myself. So an older man. An older man comes in. I'm shocked initially. We get to chatting. And I'm thinking to myself, geez, this guy gets it. But then he brings it up somehow.

8:52And I'm like, no, I don't think so. I'm not horny enough. Now, it depends when he comes back and sees me. I had a dry period when I was about 22, 23. If he caught me on the right day, absolutely. I would have been down for a bit of kissing as well. But can I – but hang on.

9:14Jason Hoyte:Hang on here. The time traveller's wife, when he goes back, when he goes back, there's not two of them. It's just him, but younger. Oh, right. So is he just himself? He's himself. There's not two of them there. He just goes back into himself. Into himself. What? I think there's been an evolution of the thought, Jase. So I don't really care about the Tom Travers' life. I'm never going to watch it and I'm never going to read it, but I need to have an answer to this question.

9:43Mike Minogue:Are you sure, Jase? Yes. Well, where the hell did I get that he beat himself off thing from? Well, because you're a piece of shit. The depth of your mind, Keezy.

9:51Jason Hoyte:A sick son of a bee. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. It's all okay. They also actually made a series of The Time Traveller's Wife, which was terrible.

10:02Mike Minogue:Yeah, I can imagine.