OUTRO: The Skit

0:00Mike Minogue:You guys ready to go?

0:01Keyzie:Yeah man. For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok. Or Raw Dog It. 4 to 7 every weekday on Radio Horeke. Oh g'day fellas! Backbone. Back... Hello. Hello. How's everyone going? Good. Hello. Everyone great? Great thanks man. I'm fucking excellent man. You're fucking excellent. Why are you excellent? Because I've got this Friday off. Oh, that's right. You're going away.

0:33Mike Minogue:Golf tournament. Yes. Oh, really? Yeah, I can't wait. It's going to be exciting. And then next week, I've got Friday off again because we've got a magic round. Sure are, man. Fucking hell good, man.

0:42Keyzie:I'm very excited about it, actually. I can't wait. I actually am. About what? Going to Brizzy. Oh, I thought you were saying Keys are going away for a golfing weekend. Oh, I mean, I'm pretty excited about that as well.

0:52Mike Minogue:I don't know why you'd be excited. It's just that Pugsana will be coming.

0:55Keyzie:I don't want to get onto the whole golf chat now that he's playing a tournament. Three straight games. In actual fact, my wife said to me today, what's happened with your golf?

1:05Mike Minogue:And did you say, oh, I've still got a membership and can easily go out and play whenever I want?

1:09Keyzie:Yeah, but it's not the same when you're by yourself, Mo. You don't have to be by yourself. You know a lot of people that play golf. There's Jeremy Corbett, there's Manai, there's a whole bunch of different people, but you make no effort, do you? Well, Corby, as he says, gets bored after like six holes. But you have never gone out and played with him for over 20 years, if you have at all? Not worth a shot? I don't know that I ever have, actually. And he's not really. Minaya, that would just be weird. Just you and Minaya there. Yeah. Yeah, true. Because we have quite a sort of... Combative, racist relationship.

1:43Keyzie:Well, just tenuous. Right. You don't like him. He takes offence at some of the things I say.

1:49Mike Minogue:Right.

1:50Keyzie:The racist stuff mainly? Oh, mostly the racist stuff. But, you know.

1:54Mike Minogue:Yeah. It is interesting because he doesn't go and play golf either. No. No. It's like everyone just waits for me to text and be like, hey, do you want to go play golf? Well, that's actually.

2:03Keyzie:Yeah, it's a bit sad, isn't it? That's actually not true. Oh. Because I'll text you and you'll go, Jase, can you not pressure me about golf? That's true. There is that. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'm not pressuring you, man. I'm just asking.

2:16Mike Minogue:Well, to be honest, I'm free to play golf this Thursday. but I then have three games of golf Friday, Saturday and Sunday. You need some practice though, don't you?

2:25Keyzie:Yeah, you want to get your shit game out of the way, Keezy.

2:28Mike Minogue:No, you don't. You do not want to do that. I'll be golfed out. Right. All golfed out, Mogey. Have you heard that saying?

2:34Keyzie:Nah. I don't really move in the right circles. Would you come and play with me, Mogey? No. You could take the laptop around and do a little work. In fact, I would. I would actually, Jase. I would. Yeah. Okay. I would. I'll book you in. Yeah, good. Yeah, I would. but I've got to start doing that. So let's do that. Okay, good. Good. There you go, Keezy. I've got another date now. I don't need you, man. Sweet.

2:57Mike Minogue:I can't wait to see what you guys get up to. Keezy's hating this.

3:01Keyzie:No, I'm not. I just don't think it'll happen. It's probably fair. How's Thursday for you, man? Thursday's really good, Moogie. Great, let's do it. Jace goes, I'll book you in. I was like, what does that mean? That doesn't sound right. I'll book a tea time. All right, let's do it. Like 6.30 in the morning or something like that. You know, we get a good start to the day. Fuck that. I'll blaze the normal 91. I'll have my daughter at that time, though. Oh, right, okay. My wife's started a new job. Yes, today. Today. Is that a good thing? It's a great thing. Yeah. It's a really good thing. Yes. It's good to live on two incomes.

3:38Tell me about it. Compared to one income. Especially when she makes more money than me. Yeah. You know?

3:45Keyzie:You know what I mean, fellas? Yes, I do know what you mean. We're about to be a one-income family. Oh, yeah, you are. You're in the deep shit. Yeah. You're up shit creek. Without a paddle. But having said that. You've been just using your honk at a paddle. I've made some good investments, and I've got my dog squad money. When does that run out, by the way? Well, it just doesn't ever seem too keasy. That's the thing. You must be about due to get another season or some kind of acting work, because you've been in the doldrum. No, it's all over the old dog squad. Almost to the front, fellas. Come on.

4:21Keyzie:She's got a limp on. Old limpy McGee. What, there's something wrong with her? She's not allowed to have a limp, Keezy? You can't ogle someone that's got a limp, Keezy?

4:29Mike Minogue:First of all, I'm not ogling anyone. She's walking, and I was like, oh, yeah. And then I was like, oh, wow, she's limping. Yeah. She's got a little, anyway. What were you saying? I've got a, what do you call that, Keezy, there? A sketch I always wanted to do. A sketch I always wanted to do for a TV show, but now you couldn't do it. A drawing. Right, okay, someone with a funny walk. Well, yeah. Like a ministry for funny walks. It was back in the day when these things would have been acceptable. Right. Yes. And now you wouldn't be able to. Tell us it on here. Well, I can't quite remember it, but it would be.

4:57There's a woman, and she's carrying a really heavy suitcase, and she's really struggling with it. But she's an absolute stunner, like the one that you just can't take your eyes off. You're not even listening to me, Jase. Look at him. There's nothing going on behind her eyes. What's that, man? Anyway, she's sort of struggling along the street with his real eyes. It's like she's got a suitcase full of bricks, and she walks it all the way up to the old light set across the road. She's really struggling with the bastard there, and she puts it down, and this guy sees it. It's like, holy heck, I might ask her if she wants me to give her a hand.

5:30And there's no talking in it. So he goes over, and he's like, you know, and she's like, oh, you know, that'd be great. And then the light turns green to walk, and he picks up the suitcase, and the moment he picks it up, he realises there's actually nothing in it, and then she walks off and she's got a limp. A river limp. Now, 20 years ago, that would be fine, but Pugs doesn't like it.

5:52Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show podcast.

6:00Keyzie:Weirdly enough, Mogi, I've suddenly been inundated with comedy skits on Instagram that back in the day were fine but wouldn't fly today. But because of your algorithm, you found them. What? I don't know why I got sent them. You know, just really old school, sort of sexist, slightly racist kind of stuff. I don't know why I'm suddenly getting them. Is it funny, though? Yeah, some of it's very funny. That's the thing, isn't it? It's tricky.

6:29Mike Minogue:Yes. There's a funny British old Matthew Berry sketch that I thought you were going down the same line there. Oh, there's that one where they're always got a boyfriend. Yeah, so he's happy to help and then like help carry the drinks. Thanks, this one's for me. And then my boyfriend's just over there. He just goes, fuck you, and throws the tray away and walks off. So he'll only help until he finds out she's got a boyfriend. Right. It's pretty accurate. It's good stuff. You don't want to be delivering the boyfriend a tray of beers, man. You don't want to be helping, man. Come on, man. I saw one of those.

6:57She had a fishbowl. Yeah, that's right. Moving in. Smashed it. He's helping him move in.

7:02Mike Minogue:Yes. It's my boyfriend's fish. Smash. Boom. It's good shit, fellas. Anyway, that's my one sketch idea I've got.

7:11Keyzie:I like it. Okay, let's do it. Okay. I don't think people would be offended by that. Well, I mean, there's always going to be someone that's offended by it. How would you do it? Maybe if it was a same-sex relationship and it was two men. Maybe, yes. Yes, that might be acceptable, Kesey. Maybe. I think more so. I don't think anybody would complain about it. The problem is you can't have somebody that's, what do you call them? Differently abled? No. I think you can have differently abled. Why can't you have them? That's a shocking thing to say, Casey. Bogie, come on, man. Come on. Jeez, Casey. Fuck off, don't.

7:49Fuck, and this is out the gate. Don't start this shit. Cut this off, pugs. Don't bloody hell. I thought I was bad, man. My God. Don't start this shit. It's not their fault.

8:00Mike Minogue:I didn't say it was.

8:03Keyzie:Is your wife working again? Does that mean mogies on lunches? Mogies on lunches. Now, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what's been happening as well. We've been having a lovely time because we put the brakes on all of our spending because we haven't been drinking this year anyway, so that's hundreds of dollars a week. Hundreds. Seriously? Oh, I would say hundreds. Wow. If I'm drinking, it's hundreds of dollars a week. Yes. I think that's right. Because then you always end up going out for dinner. One dinner, you're fucked. hundreds of dollars.

8:32Mike Minogue:Right. Do you know what I mean though? Not for me, but you're right. No, no, but we go out and there'll be a group of us and we sort of go out for three or four. You get a bunch of mates together, you go out for a few hours. Get some bottles of wine. Exactly, and that's where it ends up. I think it's that. I think it's a lot. It's too much.

8:47Keyzie:Well, we had some massive bills over in Aussie. Yes. Because part of the family was drinking and there were boyfriends and shit like that and it was like, oh, that makes... She gets up there. ...fucking makes a huge difference to your bill. But the other thing that's happened is, so we haven't been buying it, we haven't been going out, we haven't been drinking, been really tightening the belt in between jobs, which has been good. I like a belt tighten. Yes. And what that's also meant is there's been no packages just arriving willy-nilly. Online shopping. Online shopping. Well, today one turned up.

9:24Today one, bang, we've got a job, bang, we're ordering shit.

9:26Mike Minogue:Because mummy's back to work. I love it. Mummy's back working. And to be fair, I ordered a whole bunch of T-shirts. This is one of them, Keezy. Oh, wow. It's indistinguishable from your old ones. It is slightly different. It's silky. It is a silky T-shirt. It's a better cut, Jase. Yes. It's an Australian brand, Keezy. You'd love them, man. Oh, yeah. And this one was called something along the lines of Lunch Bible or something like that. And it's a recipe book for making your kid lunch. Right. And I've got a problem with that. because there's the internet. Yeah. Also, you don't seem to have any issues making your kid lunch.

10:03I don't have any issues because she doesn't eat any of it. So there's no point me spending any time on recipes knowing full well that she won't eat any of it. But my wife likes the idea of trying to give her nutritional food, but she doesn't want it. And she's always trying to sneak in spinach and fucking hemp hearts and chia seeds and all this. And my daughter can smell it from a mile away, and she just will not eat it. Because she got the old mogey honker. So, yeah, anyway, that shit's fine. But it's a good balance, isn't it? Because my wife cares and tries and I don't and don't.

10:38Mike Minogue:But it's good, though, because you provide this sort of levelling out and she provides the, oh, we shouldn't. She's striving to be better and I'm dragging her down and making her life worse. You're an anchor. I'm an anchor. Swimming with an anchor. She would be flying, but she should be throwing with eagles, as they say, but instead she's down in the doldrums with the old mogey. With the turkeys. It's hard to fly with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.