OUTRO: The Turdcast

0:00Keyzie:For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok or Raw Dog It. 4 to 7 every weekday on Radio Hooded. Back in the face, fellas.

0:19Mike Minogue:Mogi's just dumped out all his remaining energy just since then. He's got nothing now.

0:23Keyzie:Speaking of Mogi dumping out, I...

0:27Mike Minogue:We can't do another steamer special.

0:29Keyzie:Well, I'm just saying that I went for wheeze and Mogi was in there doing his morning ablutions. I'm traumatised. Can I just say that the only reason you said you're traumatised is because I was... Because, Jase, this is what happened. I was in there just dominating.

0:43Mike Minogue:What, the toilet? Yeah. Well done. Absolutely just... I was ruling it with an iron fist. Can I put it that way, Hori J? Ruling it with a brown fist. If there was ever a dictator in the history of the world in terms of taking dumps, Yeah. This morning, that would have been it. Adolf Schittler. Was he a dictator? Yeah, I was trying to think of, yeah. Schittler. Porcelainy. Porcelainy, yes. I was trying to think of a porcelainy one. Ah, nice. That's good stuff. Anyway, I'm just going to town in there, but it's easy work for me, you know what I mean? It's what I was built for, Jase. Chairman Poohs.

1:23All of a sudden, I hear the door swing open, and what should happen but a little bit of a whistle cuts through the air. Now I know that that's hoity Jay and that's why he's whistled when he comes in because he wants to alert me to the fact that he's come in so I don't make horrendous noises.

1:37Mike Minogue:But... Is that true? Yeah. I'm already finished by the time Joss comes in. Wow. I've got my right leg in the air and I'm giving it death back door stops. In the air. I just raise my cheek up a little bit.

1:49Keyzie:Oh, and he does too. I'm not pointing my toes. Because I was looking under the door. Oh, you got down.

1:54Mike Minogue:I suppose you can probably see it from where you're standing. Then I looked down and Jay says, he's got his head underneath the petition. And you've got your right leg in the air. Yeah, and I'm wiping it. And he goes, I'm traumatised for life. Because when you do it, you put your leg behind your head almost like a cat does. That's right. And I lick my nas.

2:18Mike Minogue:And his head was under the door at that point. Spoiler alert.

2:20Keyzie:Is it a spoiler alert? Is that what we say? Yeah, man. People were. What I was shocked by was how many wipes too. There were like eight. Eight wipes. I saw all of them. All of them. Once again, this is a steamer special. He kept on throwing dollar coins at me going, do it again. Do it again. I was like, all good. Why do you have so many dollar coins? I don't know. Just spare change. You know, swear jar at my house. Yeah, right. Which I steal from. Good stuff. Yeah. Will you do a steamer on the road today, Jase? Well, I'm actually, look, I'm percolating as we speak. You're not a coffee filter, all right?

3:00Keyzie:We're percolating. I may have to do one before I go home because this is kind of my time. You know what I'm saying?

3:09Mike Minogue:I'm so sorry, viewers slash listeners. I'm so sorry.

3:11Keyzie:Why? Just because this is the second turd chat in a row.

3:14Mike Minogue:That's what I like to call good eating. It is. The turd cast. Keep going. So you're going to have to go before you go home, man. That's really interesting.

3:23Keyzie:Yeah, I think so. Actually, it's pretty urgent right now, to be honest. Are you guys good to carry on with that?

3:29Mike Minogue:No, no. There was a one-off yesterday. It is not a thing that you're just allowed to go take a shit during the outro. It isn't? No. Is that true? You can take a mic in there with you. Pugs will give you the wireless brick thing and come with you and plumb you in. Take a mic? Mike Minot.

3:47Keyzie:That won't be the only brick in there, Keezy.

3:51Mike Minogue:Go in there and take a hoagie.

3:52Keyzie:I had some Metamucil last night, so, you know.

3:55Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show podcast. Where are you at with yours, Keezy? I guess you're probably 15 hours away from yours. Yeah, when's your general timing for that sort of stuff, Keezy? Well, traditionally I'll wake up, have a brekkie and a coffee, and then it'll be, I don't know, like shortly after. After your coffee, yeah. Right, so you get up a bit earlier before you come in here. So I got up, no, at 4.50 I was up this morning. Yeah. Shower, coffee, a couple of big glasses of water heading in. So I haven't actually gone today yet. Have you not?

4:32Mike Minogue:But when I'm on brekkie, my brain goes, okay, cool, I'll just adjust, and then mine now comes at about lunchtime. Does it really? Okay. Is this really that interesting? Oh, it is.

4:42Keyzie:Oh, I'm intrigued. You seem to be very at ease with where your steam is at, whereas Jase is percolating and I've already dominated. Well, I'm surprised that you're able to push it back, as it were.

4:53Mike Minogue:I don't push it back. Don't do that hand gesture. Yeah, I push it back.

4:58Keyzie:Because you're doing breakfast radio, you know what I mean? I push back.

5:03Mike Minogue:No, it just doesn't come out. It doesn't need to be pushed back.

5:08Poo pot.

5:09Mike Minogue:Poo pot. Come on, Jase, you haven't seen a single one yet. You haven't seen a single poo dictator. Oh.

5:20Mike Minogue:I think it would dictate a porcelainy's funny.

5:26Fidel Astro. Astro, yeah. No, that was Mogi.

5:30Mike Minogue:You've got to go. Donald Dump. Donald Dump. Oh, Mogi. Yes, keep going.

5:36Keyzie:No. I'm exhausted now. I need to rest. It's funny, isn't it? Because we're halfway through now. I'm done. I'm just thinking to myself, got to hit the old road there, Mogi. Yeah, well, you're off on a roadie, aren't you? I'm straight out of here. Now I'm getting messages from my wife about doing things that should have already been done. Yes. But that's okay. We're in no rush. The only thing I am in a rush for is we're meeting my mother when we get there. Right. So I've got to be there to pick her up from the bus stop.

6:05Mike Minogue:She's busing from Hawke's Bay. She is, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Are you? She's of an age with the driving, especially that drive. Not especially that drive, but that drive is a tricky drive. Yes. Imagine being stuck behind an elderly woman going over those hills. Especially how tall she is. because she still has to have a... Well, her head sits out of the top of the sunroof. Yeah, and it's pretty chilly out. Why isn't she? She has like a beanie on and mittens and stuff, eh? Just a balaclava. Is that why you're going to Topor? Because it's so deep there that she can actually fully submerse? Yes.

6:36Keyzie:I actually might go for a swim today, fellas. No, you won't.

6:39Mike Minogue:That's a lie.

6:40Keyzie:No, it won't. It'll be freezing. No, just keep... My wife will, though. No, she has promised that she will, right? Yeah, she has to. Why don't you go? She's made a deal with herself. Well, you've also made a deal that you're not going to vape, but you're going to break that pretty quick.

6:53Mike Minogue:Do you reckon you're a man of honour, Hoity J? Totally, man.

6:58Keyzie:Totally, I am. What a great question. What a great question. We should do that. If you're in Game of Thrones, I am a man of honour. Like Ned Stark in the first season of Game of Thrones, an honourable man. Yes, I would be beheaded in the second episode. Yeah, for being a lying bastard. For holding true to my word. I don't know, yeah. For holding true to your word. I think you'd be a eunuch. Yeah.

7:23Mike Minogue:Do you reckon when you're at the batch this weekend? What? You're already giving me attitude. I haven't even asked the question. Where are you going? Do you reckon you do poos in the sea? I don't know that I've ever done a poo in the sea. I've not. Actually, I have. I've done one at the Mount when I was desperate. and I was out beyond the break and I couldn't be bothered going back and go to a toilet, come back. I was like, why don't you go here? And so you do it.