OUTRO: Wees Special

0:00Keyzie:For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok or Raw Doggy. 4 to 7 every weekday on Radio Horek here. Oh g'day fiambles. Hey guys. How's everyone? Oh you know, bit of this, bit of that. Yeah. Beautiful day again. I tell you what man, I feel like spring has sprung Jase. I do so. It was this time last week you were saying it was going to be raining for the entire summer. Yes. How does that feel now, in hindsight? Does it feel like an overreaction? To be fair, it isn't summer yet. And I wouldn't be surprised if it does, you know what I mean?

0:39Keyzie:It's still spring. Knowing your luck, mate. Knowing my luck, mate. Exactly. No, it's been great. I think it'll only be shit whenever you book to go to the batch. I think those are the rules. We've actually had a really good run at the batch, actually, to be fair. It's been really good. Even during winter when we've gone, it's been like beautiful weather. Now that I've given up drinking for the rest of the year, I think it's time for me to start drinking again because it's bloody beautiful. Well, it seems a waste not to. How are you going, Keezy? Keezy's biting his lip. Really great.

1:05Mike Minogue:Except for your wet ass. I got a wet ass, though. How did that happen, Keezy? I was sitting on the couch and I forgot that I had a glass of water resting next to me and someone had a shot on the old golf simulator in there that we're doing with the ACC and almost went in and I went, yay! And then it tipped all over my butt. And I've got grey pants on, so it looks really good. It looks really good. It looks a little like you shat yourself. 100%. And I think everyone got a real kick out of it, which I'm happy with. Yes. Is it feeling good at the moment? Itchy. Itchy. I've got tog butt. Tog's butt.

1:38Yeah. What is that?

1:40Mike Minogue:What's that about? I hate that. I asked Chat ChibbD about tog itchy ass. What did it say? It didn't really have a good answer. That's bullshit. Yeah. No one's entered the information around that.

1:50Keyzie:Is that when you get, like when you're in the beach and stuff and you go for a swim and you get the old sand around the table. No, you go for a swim and it's just wet, and as it's drying, before it's dried, you just wander around, you get an itchy ass. Right, okay. It's not a-hole, just the, yeah, it must be chafer-lain. Oh, I've got a different thing there. Oh, yeah, right, you've got worms.

2:08Mike Minogue:Yeah, that'll be it, because I was dragging my ass along the carpet for a bit there, and that helped. Yeah. Like a dog. Like a dog. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah.

2:18Keyzie:Because I've certainly had, you know, when I'm on the beach and you go for a swim and then you sit in the sand or even on your towel you end up with a culmination of sand around the testes and anus. Yes. Which I've always found uncomfortable. I like it. Do you like it? Oh, yeah. Do you like the roughage? I do. I don't mind it. Exfoliating, eh? Exfoliates my anus.

2:38Mike Minogue:It leaves you looking brand new down there, man. Have you ever thought about bleaching your anus? No, I haven't. I don't know what my anus looks like. No, neither. I've never met it. Never met it. Never seen it. Never looked it in the eye, Keezy. Never stared it down, brother.

2:52Keyzie:You've never been curious about your anus? Look, I am slightly. I did have a thing where I thought I'd quite like to start videotaping when I rip ass, like recording it. We were going to do that. To see what the anus looks like. The actual anus? The actual anus. Right. To see what it looks like when it's doing farts. That's curious to me. See, my inner. Flapping like the balloon thing, I reckon, when you let it go out of the air, I guess.

3:18Mike Minogue:My inner, because I worked in TV for a long time, The perfect way to shoot that would be you get someone like Pugs or maybe Jase to put a head-mounted GoPro on and then just sort of crouch down behind you. So I would just squat over Jase's head. That's right. As if I'm doing a steamer in China. It needs to be head-mounted too.

3:36Keyzie:My instinct on that is that the sphincter is quite tight, so I don't imagine there would be much movement unless you're really ripping ass. Yeah, well, that's where I want to do it. I mean, my sphincter is very tight. You know that one you do in the morning, Jase? The morning? That's the one that I want to be recording. Okay. That's a bit of a longer effort, you know?

3:57Mike Minogue:Yeah, so what time do you get up normally? Because we'll see Jase around with the GoPro. That works for me.

4:02Keyzie:I always struggle to disguise that one too because often my wife's still in bed and I don't want to be ripping ass. You just cough over it. And so in your case, you go... You know what I do? I'll tell you what I do, honestly. For 15 seconds. What I do, honestly, is I flush the toilet before I've finished. and hold it down for ages so that the flush keeps going and then rip arse. You guys are disgusting. I do the same thing. Well, it's not disgusting. What's disgusting is my wife lying in bed hearing me ripping arse in the toilet.

4:34Mike Minogue:See, this is an en suite you're talking about, right? Yes. See, that's the issue. You've got to go down the hall. Yeah, if you've got to rip arse, go down the hall, man.

4:41Keyzie:I do go down the hall for my first poos, or my only poos as it turns out. Yeah, right. But I But I My first wee Of the day Is always in the en suite I suppose I could actually I should actually Just go to the Spear bog No you can do anything you want That's true I mean it's my house Yeah I mean our house It's not just Yeah that's true I mean What's going on Sorry you go

5:07Mike Minogue:I reckon I On average 95 % of my Wees these days Are sitting down At home I'm much much higher At home 95 % Higher than that No, no, I mean, I used to be 100 % standing. Yeah. I'm way, way lower now. Yeah. The other thing that I've got is I find, and I don't know if this is a foreskin-related issue that I've got here, guys. Well, you've got a bunty one. But as you, I've got a beautiful cock. Sure you do, man. Yeah, okay, man. When I stop right at the end there, it has a habit of dribbling back. So I put going on the floor. Oh, really? Yeah, so I just think, I can't be bothered cleaning it up. so I just blame it on my daughter or whatever.

5:49But that's why I sit down as well. Right, because of your leaky fatos. Yeah, because it just does that little bit of a... Yeah, right. All over the floor.

5:59Mike Minogue:The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. The Hauraki Big Show podcast.

6:08Keyzie:And often as you get older too, you know, what happens is you don't feel like you've completely got all the wheeze out.

6:16Mike Minogue:Really? I'm not bad at that point.

6:18Keyzie:I don't feel that, but apparently that's one of the things of feeling like you never quite evacuated all the urine from your body. Yes. Fuck, that would be annoying. I've had periods of feeling like that and periods of having the old, what do they call it there? Saw? Sticcato weeds. Yeah, sticcatoes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it just goes away for half a day or whatever. You know what you should do? I just get a knitting needle when I get that and down the urethra there and just jam it in. One of those bottle cleaners.

6:48Mike Minogue:Yes. With a little, yeah, that's a - The brush. You know what you should do, Muggy, is when you are standing to do wheeze, just move close to the toilet and sort of straddle it almost. I do. Straddle. I've actually done that to test it. And you're pouring it straight down with your penis. Because the thing about it is I never see it happening. Right. And then I step back and I say, I don't remember there being like heaps of piss all over the floor when I came in here. And so then I do that straddle thing and it works. And I'm like, okay, it is me. I may as well sit down. But seriously, like people are saying.

7:18I'd like to blame it on someone in the house, but I can't.

7:20Mike Minogue:Blokes that are listening, try the sit-down wheeze because you just go, ah, and you just chill for a bit. Yeah, get on your phone. It's great. Jacket.

7:26Keyzie:I generally still stand. Yeah, but you're old schools though. Yeah. But, you know, like. Because you find it hard to stand up again. Exactly. Exactly. And at night, of course, I sit because it's dark and, you know, you don't want to be wheeing all over the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'll sit. But generally I'll stand and do wheeze.

7:44Mike Minogue:Do you know one of the best ways you can do is when it's like, let's say you're at a bar or maybe not a bar, a party, and you're drinking beers. I'm not drinking at the moment. So I'm not drinking for the rest of the year. Sorry, QZ. Yeah, cool, man. Sure you're not. And you go outside at like 10 o 'clock or 11, and you look up and the stars are just out. It's beautiful. If you've done wheeze like that, you're just looking up at the sky going, fucking hell, it's beautiful.

8:03Keyzie:I do wheeze in my garden all the time.

8:06Mike Minogue:Yeah. Even during the day. One of the best ones I ever did was when I was down in Geraldine a couple of years ago. You sit down and do them? No. playing a golf tournament, and it was that Aurora Australis was happening. Oh, yeah. And I went outside, and I didn't know it was happening, and I was doing wheeze, and I looked up at the stars, and it was Aurora Australis. I was like, I think this might be the best piss of my life. Yeah, man.

8:23Keyzie:Fuck, it was good. You've always got that wee that you like at the golf club too. The one on the corner there. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever tried it? Oh, no, because you take that corner, and I often will go to the side. Yeah, you do. What it is, Moggy, is it's like a little ledge, and it looks out across the way Tarkoen ranges. It's a beautiful sight.

8:40Mike Minogue:And if I've timed it right and I've hydrated it enough, I will need to go wheeze by the time I get to that hole. Nice, man. The 13th, I think it is. Yeah, maybe it is. Do wheeze there. It fucking rules. Yeah, right. Just to note that my daughter's in the room and your language on this podcast has been absolutely horrendous. Right. Shocking. Hasn't she got her? She's listening live. Those headphones that she's got on. Oh, she's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's learning radio. She's here as a daddy day school. You know, go to dad's work and find out what he gets up to, you know. Backbone, backbone.

9:11Has she got any feedback on it? She hasn't given me any. This is day one.

9:15Keyzie:Oh, is it? Of that. Oh, yeah. It goes for the rest of the week, though. I mean, what can you fucking do?

9:26Mike Minogue:Still got about 40 seconds, guys. We've been going forever, man. No, yeah, we've been going ages, man.

9:32Keyzie:It's 11.15. Eyes to the front, Keezy. Jeez Louise. Yeah, you're a shocking bastard.

9:37Mike Minogue:I reckon just fill it with that. Mention my asthma if you want. That should get us over the line. Listen to the big show, man. Four to seven weekdays on Radio Hodaki. It's good.

9:46Keyzie:I was going to ask about your eczema in the summer period. Totally fine. Yeah, because it's dry?

9:53Mike Minogue:No, actually, traditionally it would be worse if I actually had eczema, like I used to when I was a kid. But no, good as gold. Because I don't sweat very much. Unlike you. What's happening out of your arse then? Oh, it's wheeze. Hey, listen to the big show. I think I've already said that. Bye.