THE DISCLAIMER: Birthday Boy Jizz

0:00For all you mad bastards loving the Big Show podcast, get up even closer on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok or Raw Doggett. 4 to 7 every weekday on Radio Horeke.

0:15Keyzie:Good afternoon, gentlemen. Hello. Good weekend. Happy birthday, Jase. Thanks, mate. Appreciate it. Talk us through your... Yes, thank you, Keyzie. Thank you. Wanted to know? Needed to know? Yes, yes, good. This morning, talk us through it, mate. I began the day...

0:40I've actually... A little rest outside the window.

0:42Keyzie:I've got to be honest with you. I've been a little bit thrown by daylight savings. Yeah, I'm pooped today.

0:48Mike Minogue:Oh, so your birthday's actually tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah.

0:51Keyzie:Yeah, no, look, to be honest with you, fellas, very normal day. I woke up at about six. Years. Which is? Which would have been three. Yes. And my wife rolled over and we made – no. Ripped ass. Ripped ass. I was like, oh, God, Mundy. Mundy. What? A week till you're on holiday, Jason. No, she said, happy birthday, darling. And I said, thanks, darling. And then what did she say? And then she said, I'll go and do the coffee. Oh, that's nice of her. Well, the thing was, Mogi, I prepped it the night before for you. So did you quickly go out there and chuck it in the rubbish? Well, I was prepping it the night before, and she said, hey, what are you doing?

1:38Keyzie:And I said, I'm just prepping the coffee for tomorrow morning. And she said, it's your birthday tomorrow. It's for me to do that. Yeah. And I said, darling, you just rest up. You rest up, my love. God, you're a backbone. I totally am.

1:51Mike Minogue:But what you meant by that was I don't want my birthday getting off to a bad start. Yeah, so I need my coffee immediately. Not weak.

1:56Keyzie:It's not good, actually. I've got to get out of that habit of waking up and having coffee. Well, you've got to wait an hour, have water. I know, but fuck that. That's what they say, but what's the story with it? I don't know. Because they say it, and I know they say it, and I've heard it said,

2:09Mike Minogue:but I don't know why. So I'm going to explain it, and you're going to Google it anyway. But basically what it does is when you're waking up, your body naturally releases these things that wakes your body up. Jizz. Jizz. Let's call it jizz. It naturally releases jizz within you.

2:22Keyzie:I usually release that while I'm sleeping.

2:24Mike Minogue:But coffee does the same thing, and so it stops your body's ability to do it itself.

2:30Keyzie:Naturally.

2:31Mike Minogue:Naturally. So if you wake up, give it an hour, have water, release heaps of it naturally, and then have a coffee, boom. Yeah, okay, I like that theory. It makes sense because I'm at my best in the morning anyway, and the idea is that you should have a coffee, give yourself a bit of a pep. Yes. But I'm brand new in the morning. It's just habit. I only drink about a habit. Why don't you have decaf? I shouldn't have anything. But obviously you like coffee. I like coffee.

2:53Keyzie:What I do know as a scientific fact is that everyone wakes up dehydrated. So I do know actually the theory of you should drink water first thing. I do, do, do, do that. Yeah, I try to do that. I try to do that. There you go. My scalloping pie to water. You're known for not doing that.

3:13Mike Minogue:Because I've seen your wheeze after the night. It's like someone's dropped a Barocca in the toilet. Yeah, it's pungent, isn't it? It's pungent. Are you filming this, Punks? Oh.

3:24Keyzie:So, yeah, and then we chatted and stuff. What do you get for the man who deserves nothing? Exactly. Anything? Well, my wife had to go to work, you see. Oh, wow. And so she said, oh, by the way, darling, I have got you a present. And I said, look, my love, don't be bothering with that at my age. Now, because of course, better than a present Kesey, because what can they get? You don't want anything at our age, do you? You don't want anything at all. No, no. But what you do like is the idea that they forget to get you something. You think, oh, man, I could hold it over them forever. It's all G. That means you're winning the marriage, Kesey.

4:06You heard about that, man? Yeah, because I didn't know this until I met you guys, that marriage is a comp. It's a competition to be won, not to be enjoyed by both parties. Yeah, okay. To be enjoyed by one party at a time.

4:16Mike Minogue:And if you're not enjoying it, you are the sucker. You're the sucker. So you need to change. You're a sucker. You suck it. Mmm, suck it. The Hauraki Big Show, weekdays from four on Radio Hauraki. Ha, ha, ha. Now that's good listening. And it's live. What are you listening to there? Oh, me? Oh, sorry. I was listening to the Radio Hauraki Big Show. Right. Four to seven weekdays. Yeah, that's quite specific. And I heart radio. Oh, what, oh. Cheers. The Hauraki Big Show Podcast. Well, it's good, man. And did I just chill? I had a very chill morning. I'd get you jewellery. Would you? I'd get you jewellery.

5:00A pocket watch. Not a pocket watch. And I'd get your ears pierced again. Just one of your ears. Yeah, nice. I like it. I reckon you used to have your ears pierced, did you?

5:10Keyzie:Yeah, I had one of them. Have I not told you this? It had a feather. And it had a feather. I had a feather.

5:17Mike Minogue:Fuck, that's embarrassing.

5:19Keyzie:How old were you? 23? Yeah, something like that. Very embarrassing, Kesey. No, that's kind of cool, though. But a feather of what? I tell you, I can't even remember. A fairly massive feather, you know. I do. A seagull. A very strange thing happened last night, and I said to my wife, because there's an auction going on, I went, oh, thank fuck I've been outbid on this. Oh, my God. And she said, why? What did you bid on? And I said, I'm not showing you because it'll just make you angry. And she said, I don't care. knives. No, it wasn't. I did bid on some more knives, but I just, I called it a day at like 50 bucks.

6:00Keyzie:What was it? They're like handmade Japanese kitchen knives. They're beautiful. Yeah. But he already owns 900 knives. But what I bid on, and I was relieved to be out and to be totally fair here, I was always going to be out bid on it. It's a camp for chest. You know, those big wooden chests. How do you spell that? C-A-M-P-H-O-R, I think. And it's made out of a camphor tree. Oh, my God.

6:29Mike Minogue:My parents have one of those. Do you want one?

6:30Keyzie:But the thing is about them, this is interesting. It's a historical fact that I learnt.

6:36Mike Minogue:My parents have that exact one there. And it's fuck ugly.

6:39Keyzie:And it's carved? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, well, did you know this, Keezy? They were actually quite sought after. but the camphor, the wood, repels insects. Your termites, all that sort of stuff. So back in the day, people used to pack all their treasures in there because it would protect them from any kind of infestation.

7:03Mike Minogue:I like that chest now because my mum and dad have it in their bedroom and I've always just never thought about it. But now that I'm looking at it, it's actually quite a striking piece of furniture. Yes, and this was - A second ago you were looking at it, you said it was fuck ugly. Oh, it is fuck ugly. Well, I'll show you the one I'm getting. But in the right setting.

7:18Keyzie:And here's the thing, fellas. Could be quite cool. Here's the thing, right? I might ask my parents for it. It was only 20 bucks at that point. Oh, wow. And they're usually like 500, 600 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just like getting in there and contributing. Being a part of the auction without winning anything. But how about this, fellas? How about this? I found out. You'll recall I bid on that huge, enormous lamp. You remember that? I do. And I fucking loved it. And my wife was like, oh, my God. You know what I found out today? What? My wife was bidding against me. She was trying to win it. For you?

8:01Keyzie:For my birthday. Oh, my God.

8:04Mike Minogue:So you were driving each other's bid. Wait, so did she overtake your bid? Was she the one that took it?

8:09Keyzie:Well, none of us won it because it got ridiculously, it was ridiculously expensive. but I was like what and she said well I know that you loved it so I was like oh that's fucking brilliant that was the one I was bidding on it's cool man I love it we've got one in our bedroom it's not a camphor but it's an Asian yeah my parents

8:31Mike Minogue:have got this exact chest

8:32Keyzie:an Asian-y thing but yeah

8:35Mike Minogue:you can have their one 700 that is fucking crazy did you check the dimensions of those knives because I bet they were like samurai swords Yeah, exactly. Like in a big knife block?

8:46Keyzie:Yeah. No, but I'm good now with the old oxen because I've gone, okay, I'm setting a price for everything that I'm bidding on and that's it. I'm not going to get carried away.

8:54Mike Minogue:But does the price change from item to item?

8:57Keyzie:Yeah, well, I mean, depending on what each item is, yes.

8:59Mike Minogue:So like a camp for chests is$20 your limit. Yeah, pretty much. Okay, so you're not going to never buy one.