[9 min] Embracing Feedback to Grow Personally and Professionally

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0:40How do you feel when giving and receiving feedback? Hey, Whitney here, content director for Jasmine Starr and Social Curator. And in this short, value-packed episode, you'll learn exactly how both Sampar and Jasmine feel about negative feedback. But more importantly, you'll learn how they use it to grow. Enjoy this episode. in service of people who are listening i can distinctly feel like strongly that there's somebody who's listening to the podcast and they love their life partner there's somebody who's listening to the podcast and they really love their co-founder but they know that if they were to have these we are setting terms and the cost of the terms there's going to be misalignment and so what i don't want to do is assume that everybody's at the point of oh i'm having this conversation before i'm married or i'm having this conversation before i agree to co-found a business when you are in the middle of and you've had relationships with co-founders where you realize that there was misalignment like what are the patterns what are the conversations what kind of changes are you making like what is happening in that messy middle resentment so usually resentment's like the worst thing to have to where it's like you're holding me back so like with joe and jordan we have a ceo jordan like it feels like we egg each other on in a really healthy way and so that feels good resentment is the opposite of that where it's like you're not pushing me forward.

2:00You're holding me back. And so resentment's real. That sucks. It's real. Have you ever had a break from a co-founder? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a roommate matching thing. He's a wonderful person. I remember the distinct thing. I was like, which band do you want this company to be like? And he named some small no-name indie band. And I was like, I want to be Lady Gaga. I was like, I'm trying to take over the world, bro. I'm not trying to play in a little small club in a van. I want to fly private and meet Obama. I don't want to do it. You know what I'm saying? I want someone to put the poster on the wall because I came to their hotel.

2:40You know what I'm saying? I want that good. So then what happens? When you realize that you guys want to be two different bands? You got to cut. I think you end it. You end it, which sucks. But I think you have to do that. Okay. So as we talk about this, there's a difference between I know I need to end it versus I'm not sure I need to end it. So when you're not sure if you need to end it, there comes this idea of hearing feedback. And so I did go back to 2014 of the anti-MBA blog post. Keep in mind, the things that you're citing, the weird thing about being like... I'm not exactly a public figure, but writing in public is...

3:20So in 2014, I was 24. So what I always tell people when they read my old stuff, I go, I still believe a lot of it, but you have to understand I'm evolving. So I hope what you're about to say, I don't look stupid. Well, what I will say though, is from the 2017 blog post, the caveat was that you had said the risk was assessed differently than food in a roof over my head to social equity and respect from people you really love and respect. Okay, different. But I actually strongly feel like based on what I know, I feel like we're still going to be hitting like a 95%. I put my stamp of approval on this one.

3:55So research, quote, research shows that negative feedback helps us learn and grow more quickly than positive feedback. However, negative feedback only works if you're in the right mindset. Otherwise, it could be catastrophic. You must make it about the thing you did and not about you. You have to be really secure and feel good about yourself if you're getting critiqued, if all you're getting is critiqued. So really, the key to build up your self-esteem muscles is by showing them that you are okay when things go wrong and that feedback is about what you're doing and not who you are. Decouple performance from self-esteem.

4:27So you had said how you like to get feedback. And so - Yeah, I still do that. Talk to me and talk to you. So this is why I'm like, I still strongly feel based on what I've heard that that's what you like. And so here we are, we're talking about what you've done to pivot. You've talked about co-founder relationships that aren't working well, what you learned, applied it to this new working relationship. But as you grow with Joe and Jordan and the whole team, you're bound to get negative feedback, but you're not like, I'm going to ruin, throw this relationship away. How are you prepared for that?

4:57And how vital is it to keep going? We have to get negative feedback. How do we prepare ourselves to hear it from our team? Negative feedback is the best stuff. So usually when I get negative feedback, I try to compliment the person and I say, I'm so thankful that you just told me that. So I'll give you a very specific example. Yesterday, for a while, I told Jordan, grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. And then when we got like 5 ,000 applications, I was like, F this man, don't grow that fast. We can't ruin this. But I said that in front of a bunch of people. He goes, can I talk to you privately? I said, yeah, sure.

5:28He goes, pick a side. Either tell us to grow or tell us not to grow. But you can't say that in front of everyone because you're going to make me look stupid if I'm giving orders. And I was like, you're totally right. You're 100 % right. I'm so appreciative that you called me out on that. So another example, with the pod, here's a really more specific example. Sometimes people will make fun of the way I look. And I'm like, Oh, you're right. I'm fat. I should lose weight. I'm chubby. I used to be a little chubbier. And then now that I'm very comfortable with my body, people will make fun of me. I'm like, Oh, yeah, but that's it.

6:01I'm fine. I'm great. So I pick and choose who it is that I listen to. But sometimes I try to listen to the feedback and I say, Are they right or wrong? And I really reflect on it. And if I think they're right, then I actually try to listen to it and act on it. But sometimes it's like, I don't care. For example, my podcast, when they say, this guy's a tech bro. I'm like, well, am I bro-y? I'm like, I don't think I am. I think I look like it, but I don't think I am. So I'm just going to ignore that. That's bad feedback. Or this person's just projecting because of the way I look. Or if they say the audio production sucks, I'm like, yeah, I know it sucks, but I don't care.

6:36I'm focusing on the content right now. I'll get to it later. I'm not listening to that. So I pick and choose what I listen to. But usually what I do is I create a Google form and I ask people 2 questions like, what do you think I'm doing well at? Where do I suck? And I don't even read the well thing. Like, I don't care. That's just a red herring. I just want to distract them. And then another good question is like, what am I out of 10 for these specific things? And usually everyone's going to say like a seven or an eight. And you'd be like, all right, great. How do I get to become a 10? And then that's when they tell you like where your weakness is.

7:04And so I do that a lot. I have a personal example. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay, that was me leading you into it. Say more. Like I was saying. I said, let's hear it. Okay, so I don't know how the conversation began, but I sent you a message in Hampton and I was like, where are all the girls at? I don't know where we got that. And I was uncomfortable saying that because it almost made me feel like I couldn't hold my own in the community, but I was just asking. But did you think that I was uncomfortable receiving that? Zero. No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. And that's why I wanted to bring this story up was because instead of you asking more questions, you immediately owned it and said, got any ideas?

7:50And it was - Well, I think I said, I think I said, you're right. This is embarrassing. Well, I wasn't going to say that. I wasn't going to be like, yeah, you said you were really embarrassed. No, I mean - Yeah, I was. I was like, you're right. This is stupid. Like, this is a total failure. You're totally right. And sometimes I'll ask people for ideas. I don't think that earnest should be on you to tell me how to do my job, but I do like look for feedback. But yeah, it's embarrassing. There's no doubt about that. Well, I want to talk about what I really wanted to focus on was number one, there's a difference between receiving feedback and taking it as criticism or a critique.

8:26A criticism is just saying what you're doing wrong. A critique is like, maybe we could try different approaches, which you were so willing and able to listen to. But it didn't stop there because you set up a meeting for me to meet with this guy named Jordan, who I didn't know at the time was in the process of becoming the CEO of Hampton. So what you essentially said was I hear it We're going to start acting on it, but we're going to make it more of an official thing and to be able to talk to the ceo Of this amazing big organization and have him listen in here and ask for ideas I did not feel like I was asked to fix a problem I was asked to add color and insight to how it might be approached And so I wanted to take that as a takeaway for listeners because I too pick and choose the feedback and criticism that I receive from the stuff I pull out.

9:12So in the context of as we pivot, we're going to be starting new things. And in the process of starting new things, there are a bunch of unanswered questions and a litany of ways to get better. Now the bar, what I have learned going through this experience, it's not enough to say, I hear you. And it's not enough to say like, I will change. It's I want you to see actions that we're taking on the back end of that. So I wanted to highlight that as a main key takeaway. Wow, that was fast. I hope you start embracing the feedback. That is true. Even when it's not what you expected, because you deserve growth.

9:45See you in a few days.