How to Ask Questions that Get Results

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0:37Welcome to another episode of the Jasmine Star Show. This particular episode is what we might call the real world. You know, when I was a kid, my parents were ultra conservative. They hardly let us watch television. Like as far as we couldn't watch the Smurfs. Okay. And they did not have cable television. Most of our television watching was relegated to PBS. No lie. You know, it's like we were raised on Sesame Street and California Gold with Huell Hauser. I mean, come on. So much to my surprise or lack thereof, when MTV launched a show called The Real World, you know, people who watch television were all abuzz because it was such a new and foreign concept.

1:23And at the time, our friends had cable television and they were watching the show. And I was quite honestly jealous. I needed to know what the show was all about. And my parents were like, never in a million years. So you could just imagine my surprise. And if I'm really being honest, delight when a Sunday school teacher would wheel in a television with a VHS videotape, and we would watch episodes of the real world at church. Now, of course, some of like the steamier parts weren't shown, but his big belief was that we should be having real world conversations at church to talk about how we might react in those situations.

2:01And at the end of the day, like, I don't know if I agree with all that now as an adult, but I was in love watching this show. Like I had access and that was so cool and, you know, amazing. And so now whenever I say I'm having a real world conversation, all I think of is Puck in San Francisco and how my Sunday school teacher like made it happen. Let's clap it up. How's that for an intro to this particular podcast? I just tell you, I can't say the words real world without thinking about that. But here we are having a real world conversation. A couple weeks ago, I had announced on Instagram something really cool and incredible.

2:37And it was a moment that made me feel extraordinarily proud, extraordinarily breast, breast. It made me feel blessed. And I wanted to have a conversation today about the realness of the post that doesn't often see the daylight that is social media. And so here on the podcast, I've been able to narrate my story with a fuller, broader picture. And that's what I'm doing now. And I'm doing this, yes, obviously for you and to join this journey, but I'm also doing it for me. I need to be rooted in the truth of the story and not let an Instagram or social media narrative only tell a tiny bit of the story to make it feel like it's just lucky and effortless and things just unfold for those who walk under a rainbow.

3:20No, not at all. And so I have talked about in the past in the podcast about going to a mastermind in January 2023. And I should also let you know that here on the podcast yet again, I will talk to you about my word of the year and my word of the year is rebirth. I knew that I was becoming somebody entirely different and I knew that I was becoming new. And that is not to say that the old version of me was not as good as the new version. It's just that we're different. And me as this new version is making new decisions that will empower me to get ultimately to where I want to go. I do not want to dwell in the mistakes of yesteryear or the decisions of yesteryear.

4:02I don't want to have my past dictate my future by making decisions on the lens that is looking at the past and not my future. So you could just imagine having this really last minute opportunity to go to a mastermind in Napa, California with a group of really brilliant entrepreneurs. And I don't say this with any sort of false humility or like lack of self-awareness. no, no, I'm very self-aware and I don't believe that people are more or less important than others. I really don't. I was born and raised in Los Angeles. And so I've never really found the lure of celebrities. I don't watch award shows.

4:41I'm not really into the celebrity culture. So I don't really think that people are more or less important than anybody else, but I do, do, do absolutely consider, uh, street credibility, work results, history as something that we can quantifiably look back and say, there was a series of things that people have done with remarkable results. And to be in a room with a group of people who've done a lot of really amazing things and had really amazing results again and again and again was really powerful because I have not put in those amount of reps and I have not reached that level of success yet.

5:19Okay. Okay. That's what we're adding. And so every time I'm having this conversation, you're going to hear me add the word yet. Because when I add the word yet, it opens me, it opens us to endless possibilities. And we're not saying that it won't happen. It's just not here yet. Okay. So I am in this room. And to be honest, you know, I'm a little intimidated. I am feeling a lot of new feelings. I know of these people. I do not know these people. And so I'm entering into a group of people who have been meeting consistently now for over five years. This is a group of people who have ebbed and flowed together and they've seen these wild successes and rooted each other on and talked about the strategies and things that were working.

6:00And so, you know, I kind of felt like the French kid who transferred in at the second semester of junior year. You know, like, who's that kid? And like, why is she wearing a beret? But hey, it is what it is. And so whenever I'm in those situations, my default, despite all outward facing conceptions, is I go quiet. I am very quiet in real life. I know, I know people have a hard time believing it, but that's really the truth. I even go quieter when I am in a room where I have more to learn and less experience. So basically, I think for the first day and a half, people just thought I was mute, which is fine, which is fine.

6:43You know, I've been raised to believe that it is better to be perceived as a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it. You know what I'm saying? am. So I'd rather you just think on the suspicion and like, instead of thinking or knowing with certainty. Okay. So as I'm listening to all these brilliant people speak, one of the things that I found very powerful was that they had a clear way of asking specific questions for results-driven answers. And I feel like I should repeat that last part again, because they had a specific way of asking questions for result-driven answers. And so on the podcast, we've spoken about before the idea of dead-end questions.

7:21Like, why can I get that? Or I wonder why I'll never be that way. Well, that's a dead-end question. We actually don't know how to answer that. Now, what we can ask are opportunistic, opportunistic. Yeah. Did I add an extra syllable there? I think I probably did. But we can ask are questions filled with opportunity, a way for us to figure out. Instead of saying like, why doesn't it happen for me? we can ask how might I learn from the situation and improve on the future. That's a different, like, then you could go back and quantifiably give some ways to do that. And so as these entrepreneurs were asking these questions, they were very specific.

8:01They wanted to have a tactical answer. And then you could clearly see the value in what they were getting. And so I felt intimidated because I've always wondered how to ask better questions. And I felt like I was learning more from the questions that were being asked and the answers that were given far more than I could actually come up with a question that was good enough to get an answer. I was like, I'm just happy to be in the room, y 'all. But it was mandatory that everybody asked a question. And it was a two and a half day event. And thankfully, I didn't have to ask my question until the second day of where I was positioned in the room.

8:37And after the first day, I really felt a lot of pressure that I had this opportunity to speak to people who have gone before me and done really incredible things in really incredible ways. And I didn't want to forsake this opportunity or waste an opportunity. This should probably, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't going to say this. I wasn't going to say this. And yet here I am. Oh, let's see. Uh, eight years ago, seven years ago, I invested what I thought was the cost of my kidney to go to an event called four D's in New York city with VaynerMedia. Gary Vaynerchuk had a program called 4Ds where you would spend the day with people from VaynerMedia.

9:16They would be talking about their ad strategy. They'd be talking about brand considerations. They'd be talking about influencer marketing, all these things with a small group of people. There was about 10 or 12 of us in the room. And Gary would come in for one hour and do a Q &A. So you got to ask Gary your question. So of course, I'm panicked out of my mind because y 'all know I love me some Gary V. Like, Gare Bear is my boy. And JD knows that Gary is like my person. In fact, the day before the event, what are the odds? Y 'all, I am telling you, JD is like a golden dolphin, like that you would think would be in a fountain, but no, that fountain has legs and then it goes and dips itself in gold and then rubs itself in glitter and then covers itself in butter.

10:00That's my husband. It's like things just come and flow to him. So we walk out of our hotel, We are in Flatiron and we are just right, right below the Highline and we're waiting for a car to take us somewhere. And on the corner, hand to heaven, I'm looking at my phone waiting for our Uber and JD says, is that Gary? To which I'm like, stop joking around. That's not funny. I get to see him tomorrow and ask my question. And he's like, no, that's Gary. And I'm like, no, it's not. And And it's Gary freaking Vaynerchuk standing 12 feet away from me. And then I die. And so I'm like, we got to walk away.

10:37Why? It's New York City. There's like thousands of people. And I tell Jade, we got to walk away. Like, I can't. Why? I don't know. Like, I didn't want Gary to know that I saw him. Like, weird. He doesn't even know who I am, right? So I'm literally having an existential crisis. And then Jade does the unthinkable. He walks up to Gary V, sticks out his hand and says, Gary, so nice to meet you. My wife loves you. die? I died. I am sitting on the corner of a New York City intersection, dying a thousand deaths. And of course, Gary being Gary is so nice and so kind. And he says, hi. And I finally managed to mumble out, oh, four days, like four days, four days, you know, the four days.

11:21And he's like, yeah. I was like, I'm, I'm me tomorrow. You questions. I get it out. And it was kind of like not my highlight of my life. And he's like, I'm so happy. I'll see you there tomorrow. And Jadie and I walk away and I die. Like I literally die. I was like, it happened. I freaking met my hero. And I said, 40s. Like, wow, Jasmine. Wow. That was pretty epic. So on the heels of that, the next day I come in and I'm like, I'm going to ask a freaking great question. I don't know the question. I knew when I invested in this program, I needed to ask him a question. And yet I couldn't ask him the question because I was having a full on freak out.

11:59I didn't know what to ask. And let me tell you, it didn't come to me. I didn't have a come to Jesus moment. I asked the world's stupidest question. It's so stupid. I don't even really remember it. And what happened on the by-product on the back of it, I was able to talk to him about the inception or idea of social curator, which thank God that came out. That was divine. Like that conversation, The conversation talking about launching Social Curator and the strategy to launch Social Curator came on the back of the stupidest question about like something about personal brand. It was so dumb. It was so dumb.

12:34I don't need my brain is actively campaigning to not remember it because it was literally a waste of syllables, letters and my breath, mind you. but divine, divine, like an angel somehow metamorphosized my words and guided the conversation towards what we really wanted to talk about and launch with Social Curator. And at the time, Social Curator hadn't been launched and it was this kind of sort of idea. And thankfully we talked about it and he gave freaking epic advice because he's Garibar. All that to say, your girl has never really been great at coming up with questions for result-driven answers.

13:08So just imagine the pressure I felt going into this room, knowing I have an opportunity to speak to people who have so much experience and so much street credibility and so many insights on the things that I want to do that I was like, hot dang, how do I come up with a question? I was so panicked about coming with a question that I turned to JD and I was like, I need to come up with a question and I really don't want to squander it. But that turned me down to like a vortex that's like the toilet bowl of my mind, like really scratching out the questions, not even bothering to put them together because of course they were stupid and they didn't lead anywhere.

13:38I did not want to have another Gary Vaynerchuk moment. You know what I'm saying? So I was very thankful that my brilliant husband, you know, remember the dolphin who's like coated in gold and then rubs himself in glitter and then covered in butter. Yeah, him. He had recommended that I reach out to my mentor. Her name is Susan. and I reached out and this is the exact text message. I'm gonna read it. Sunday, January 15th at 8.23 a.m. And this is the top of 2023. Morning at a mastermind that is truly epic right now. Everyone is supposed to share something that's working and something we need help or support with.

14:19What is the question I should be asking? How do I figure out the question for the most leverage? Okay. I'm going to be sharing this and it's really personal, but I'm sharing it because this is the backstory that led to something on the backend. And we only ever share the good stuff, right? We share the stuff on social media that makes somebody look and be like, wow, that person is lucky, blessed, things flow to them. They must be an epic manifestor. And I'm like, uh, maybe, maybe that is some people is sure as heck not me. So she responds yay on Epic for asks. I always, one, look to be as specific as possible to something that is immediate, not future based three, something that allows others to thoughtfully share their network.

15:10And four is matched to what is working. So it feels like you're already having progress. So an intro will be, okay, here she is, warming up. Number one, working, great reception for a new speaking, it's like, I'm so nervous reading this text message right now. Number one, working, great reception for new speaking topic of what you did last time, right? So here, and this is context, is like, she said, hey, a great reception for a new speaking topic. Like I could ask them for insights on a couple topics that I'm working on and have them give insight for that. Okay. And then, uh, to ask so ideas and then ask my clear ask is to intro to a plus speaking bookers or events that will take you to the next level.

16:02And to me, it was so simple and I was really thankful that she just put it in a framework. So I'm sharing that framework with you. And then I'm going to add on to that. So number one, look to be as specific as possible when you're asking a question. Number two, something that is immediate, not future-based. Three, something that allows others to thoughtfully share their network. And four, it feels like it's matched on what you're working on. So it feels like you're already having progress. So an intro to people in their network would feel easy. And then she had proposed, since I was taking a step towards speaking professionally in different markets on different topics that I speaking in this room would absolutely open those doors, which I thought was very insightful.

16:46So it was on the back of that. I remember I was taking a bath with Luna and I'm texting her. JD hands me my phone because she had responded and I was like, okay, let me respond. And then let me just be present because I'm like, I'm not going to get caught up in the idea that there is a perfect question. So we finish our morning routine, kiss JD and Luna goodbye. And I walked down to where the event center is. And I was the third person to go that day. And a microphone was passed around the room. There was three microphones and one was passed around the room. And then two were rotating between people who were giving answers.

17:23And while I felt prepared to ask the question, I didn't feel prepared to speak in this group. It was really intimidating. And there was no reason. Everybody was very kind. Everybody was very supportive. It was the story I told myself that I was, again, that French student who transferred in junior year, second semester and wore a beret. And so instead of taking the mic and sitting, as most people did, I felt like I needed to be grounded. And so I stood up and I grabbed the microphone and hand to heaven, have no idea what I said. Was I building up this story so that I would be like, and then I said this magical thing and it was like riveting.

18:05No, I actually, I wish with all of my guts, I wish that I had just recorded it on my phone so I could look back and remember what was said. But let me tell you the one thing I do remember was I said, hello, my name is Jasmine Starr. And then I thanked Brendan Burchard for hosting the event and inviting me. And then I thanked two other gentlemen who I sat next to on the bus to dinner the night before and on the way back from dinner on the bus the night before because I had really great conversations with them. And I said that what they taught me was going to change future generations in my family, that what they know, they shared with the daughter of an immigrant.

18:46And now I am smarter and better because of their lessons and they're giving me access to their knowledge. And when knowledge is shared, we become powerful. And then after that, I, honest to God, have no idea what I said. I think I got into my origin story. I think I had explained that I was CEO of Social Curator. I think I must have mentioned that I was transitioning or moving towards speaking to different people in different ways. And then I remember getting into the ask. Like I remember Susan's text message to follow the framework and then to have a clear ask. And I remember saying that. I remember saying that I am testing new topics.

19:32I am looking for representation. I am looking for intros to bookers and or events that I might be a good fit. and then I sat down and a crazy thing happened. They clapped, which is so weird to say. Like they clapped after my question, which leads me to believe I must have said something that I, honest to God, have zero recollection. I had an out-of-body experience. Like I am telling you guys, the room went black. Apparently my mouth was moving and I was saying things, but it was an out-of-body experience. I came back to myself and then all of a sudden it was just like people were clapping. So what the heck?

20:12I don't know. Again, divine moments, right? People were clapping and then a gentleman by the name of Jay Shetty raised his hand and he said that he wanted to talk a little bit more. And I thought, this is interesting. He gave me a feedback on a few things. And then he said, I haven't made this public knowledge, but I'm starting an agency and I'm starting an agency for speakers on the back of my experience with speaking agents and bookers. He then goes on to explain that he has been represented by three or four other agencies. And he realized that there was a gap in the market, that there were people who were not just professional speakers, i.e.

21:00they get paid to speak. There was a market of people who were thought leaders and who were creating online to create demand that people then started requesting them specifically to speak on stages. And so Jay was one of those first people. There's like a wave of them, but there in the past, there were professional speakers. These are the people who like road warriors, right? Like these are the people who like spoke on the road four times a week and they had like Marriott points and they were good to like use points to get up to like extended legroom. These are the war room stories that you hear from professional speakers.

21:36And that's the way the world had been. And then all of a sudden, really social media and creating content really did bridge this gap that existed between I hit the road and I speak and I write a book and then I hit the road for a year and this is what I do to I'm creating content, I'm creating thoughts, I'm creating a following. And then that following is the people who request to see and or hear me at events. And this couldn't happen prior to social media. And yet Jay Shetty, amongst a few others, were really that to facilitate it. And then they gained millions of followers and multi streams of revenue from multiple businesses on the back of that.

22:13And so Jay had said that the old system didn't work for him. And so he went out with a CEO and a co-founder to build what they were then calling house of 1212. And you could hear a pin drop in the room. It was the first time that Jay made a public statement because people in that room were represented by agencies who used to represent him. So you could just imagine how, I don't know, I mean, maybe it wasn't uncomfortable, but it was the first time because everybody was like, oh, wow, congrats on announcing that. It hadn't been made public. So here we are. And we were definitely like, We had all promised that what was spoken about in that room was only to be kept in that room.

22:58And this is my perspective from my story, so nothing else would be shared. And at the time, people were like, oh, wow, that was new. And congratulations. And people were really excited for him. And then what Jay had said is, I would love to make an introduction to head of talent. And I was like, oh, thank you. Thanks. And then a couple other people raised their hand to talk about people and introductions they might be able to make so that I would have the ability to interview with different agencies. And I can't tell you, but in that moment, there was like such a pull on my soul that I think I had inadvertently made a decision without claiming that I had made a decision.

23:38Because the night before, there was about, I think there was like 27 people in this group. So not big, not small. and so the night before at dinner around this one long table so beautiful we walked into this Napa Valley restaurant it was so sweet it was so amazing and then everybody kind of like milled in filled in the room and then immediately he said okay everybody grab your seats there was no mingling it was immediately sit down and I grabbed the chair that was nearest to me and on my right side was Jay Shetty and so across from him was Lewis Howes and then directly across from me was Martha Louis's brilliant director, actress of a girlfriend.

24:17And Jay and I had never spoken before. And that night I got to speak to somebody who I have watched from a distance for years. We spoke about his wife, Radhika. We spoke about how they met. We spoke about his mom, his childhood, his mother-in-law, who he loves. And his mother-in-law, this is a funny story. His mother-in-law met him and started praying that he would fall in love with her daughter. And Jay broke her heart and he says, oh, I'm going to go to a Montessori. I'm going to become a monk. But her mom kept on praying for him. So three years later, when he leaves the Montessori, his mom was like, my prayers are going to come true.

24:56And then they did, y 'all. It was so crazy. So anyway, we have these conversations that are really cool talking about at the time, how he was going to be dropping his new book, Eight Rules of Love. And it was really great. And I didn't tell him at the time how much listening to his podcast and how much reading his books, like how much of an impact they had. Cause I didn't want to be that person like sitting next to me. Like, can I fangirl? Although I was totally fangirling. And so then that night, my sweet friend, Amy Porterfield, had taken a photo of Jay and I, and she sent it to me. And that night before I went to bed, I posted that photo.

25:28And then I explained that for years I had been watching and listening to him and the profound impact that he had in my life. So I shared something on social media that I probably wouldn't have been able to share to him to his face. And so the next day we went and started, everybody grabbed coffee and we didn't say all that much. And then Jay, before he sat down, he was like, Jasmine, why didn't you tell me you've been listening to the podcast? I mean, that's like a terrible like British accent, but it is what I got right now. And I said, I just had a hard time. I couldn't actually say it, but you've had such an impact.

26:02So just imagine a couple hours later when I stand up to ask my question and ask of the room that when he says he would like to make an intro to the head of talent and to the CEO of House of 1212, to me, I think I had already made my decision. And so I went up to him afterward and I said, thank you so much for this opportunity. Who might I be able to get in contact with? and I had my phone and I asked him for the email addresses right then and there. I was not going to let this opportunity pass me by. And after that, based on many conversations with my mentor, wise advice, she said, that's great that you had that experience.