How to Remain Resilient in Life and Business with Bianca Olthoff

0:0010 years ago, I made the decision to build my personal brand that was elevated, yet approachable, and reflected who I was, not just what I did. I created my website with ShowIt because it's true drag and drop freedom so you can easily build and update your site. Plus, their real human support team, game changer. Want to try it for yourself? Head to jasminestar.com forward slash show it for a 14-day free trial and first month free when you subscribe. Did you literally start my podcast 10 minutes late because you played tennis this morning? You're like, oh, I think I might have a tech issue. Girl, you're posting on stories that a nine-year-old beat you at tennis and you're going to come up to my podcast and be late.

0:36First of all, first of all, first of all, I woke up at 430 and set up all my lighting, my rig. I did everything so that I could play tennis because I had a date with a nine-year-old. I had a date from last week. I couldn't bail on a nine-year-old. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So let's make sure that we're prioritizing the nine-year-old instead of your twin sister who is literally hosting you as like a come up shout out. Let's go. Cause I am so proud of this book that you read, but now we've got to act all professional. Cause like seriously, sleep Yonka. We're so late. We have to be like Rumpelstiltskin and create some gold out of this straw.

1:07You want to know something? I listened to this podcast. It's called the Jasmine Starr Show. And she tells us that we maximize our time by waking up early and getting stuff done. So that's why we're here. We're going to get it done. Are you really, are you really, are you really juking me right now before? Okay. No, we need to, I need to sage this energy. No, I got to start. We got to act all professional now. Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. Okay.

1:36Welcome to the Jasmine Star Show, a place where we talk about life, business, and today we're going to get an extra dose of grit. And today's podcast guest marks officially the most recurring podcast guest. You might as well be a co-host, Bianca Wadis-Oltav. My twin sister is here, and I couldn't be more excited for this conversation. Bianca, welcome back. I am so excited. Jazzy, I'm the most returned guest. And not by popular demand, but because you're my sister and you love me. By nepotism. Yeah. Like you're basically a nepo sister. Yeah. I love it. I'll take it. I will take any invitation to a podcast that I listen to weekly, by the way.

2:14You won't take any invitation to any party at any time because that's how you roll. Like you are literally the life of the party. So this is an opportunity to be the life of the party. Speaking of parties, we are going to be celebrating a party for you. and I got an invitation. It was a Google invite because that's how you roll. I do. And this Google invite was like a Borinco book party. So for those who are not familiar. Yes. For those who don't know, Borinco is like a term of affection for someone who's Puerto Rican. And so we are having a Puerto Rican party because I wrote another book. You wrote another, like we should just say another, like you are a bonafide writer writing your third book.

2:53But I want to backtrack a little bit because people are going to turn off and be like, oh no, no, no. we don't want to hear a book podcast. Well, good thing. You're going to hear Bianca on a billion other podcasts talking about the book. But what I want to focus on today is truly the lessons that we grew up together that have manifested in a book. So you guys are going to get information and stories here that really typify and embody the journey that we have both been on. And here's a crazy thing is that I had a podcast conversation with a gentleman by the name of Rory Vaden. and we were talking about like these root origin stories.

3:28We were talking about what makes us unique. And he asked three questions. If you're sitting here and you're wondering what would ever make me unique? I have a boring story. I didn't really come from much. Whatever the case may be, you might have told yourself a story that you yourself cannot be unique. But he had asked three main questions. What challenges did you overcome? What tragedies did you endure and successfully achieve? And what setbacks were you able to move back forward? And on this very podcast, he walked me through those three questions. And immediately after that podcast episode, I stripped the audio, I sent it to my twin sister.

4:03And I was like, Bianca, you have to hear this conversation because girl, you done wrote the book. and how were our stories so similar? Well, we're twins and we had a lot, if not very, very identical upbringings. And so if there is anybody, the word that I came up with through this branding exercise and what made me unique was resilience. And lo and behold, my sister wrote a whole book on grit. And now grit, I feel like it's like a little bit of the hood way of talking about resilience. And so Bianca, why did you write this book? Let me start with the why, but I also just feel like I have to just take a moment and as an avid podcast listener, just say thank you for all your content that you put out constantly.

4:46For those that don't know, having a podcast, maintaining a podcast and keeping a podcast going is a lot of work. You don't get paid a dime to create resources for people. It's an inspiration to me. I'm not saying this as your twin. I'm saying this as somebody who just wants to get better because when you know better, you do better. And thank you for this podcast and thank you for having me on the podcast. Honestly, Jez, the why came out of what I didn't know was going to be a playbook or a manual for my own life. So I had a conversation with a woman and she was going through a divorce and I looked at her across a coffee table and we were at coffee and I looked across the table and she just said very candid and honest things about the station and season of her life.

5:27She was talking about like, I want to go to bed and I don't want to wake up. I feel like everything that I have built is like crumbling before me and the life that I dreamed of i'm mourning That i'm alive and yet living to the death of my marriage And I was listening to her and I was taking everything and then she looked across the table from me She said well, you don't get it because you were just born with resilience And it took me back Because I never really thought myself as a resilient person Maybe looking back at my life. I could see. Oh, yeah there's these moments where I chose to get back up because we will talk about that in a second, but it's a decision.

6:03But she knows our background. She knows our past. And if I refer to our, for the podcast listeners, it's because you and I had very identical lives. I mean, we're fraternal twins living identical lives. So if I say our, that's what I'm talking about. But she knows a lot about our story and our past and our life, being illiterate, being overweight, being raised where we were raised. And she knew all that. And so she had associated this gritty, resilient, persevering spirit to maybe those that live in poverty. And so what I really wanted to do is draw the line and cut the line of demarcation, the juxtaposition between like privilege and poverty, as if those who had a hard life are naturally gritty and resilient.

6:38Those that survive are naturally born this way. And when I realized I went through this deep dive of reading so many books about resilience, about grit, about perseverance, about endurance and realizing, oh, no, no, no, no. We choose this. We choose. There's actual practical things that we can do in our mind, in our heart, in our body, in our soul that allow us to build a life of resilience, practical handles. And it's like, so honestly, Jazz, I went out to write a book that I wish I had 10 years ago and here we are. But the funny thing is, is I think people think like, if you've achieved this status of resilience, if you achieve enough gritty measures, then boom, you are granted the crown of resilience.

7:17And now you could say you're a resilient person. When that truth is, is resilience is a choice that we get to determine every single day of our lives. And it's something we have to constantly come back. And so now I'm in a season in my life where I'm reevaluating and holding onto the things that I have studied, written, researched, and know to apply them to my life even today. As a business owner, as a church leader, as somebody who has lots of hopes, dreams, and aspirations, I'm choosing to get back up. Okay. So I'll push back a little bit on that because I have to tell y 'all back in high school, my sister and I know we were homeschooled.

7:52So going to school was like this new thing and then playing sports like on a team in a collegiate setting. Do you say collegiate? Collegiate or that is college? Collegiate. Oh yeah. Homeschool. Homeschool. Look at us. Like anyway, we were playing sports in a public school and that was something we had never experienced. And so our freshman year, we had just said, well, we're going to run track. Why two short brown girls are like, yeah, we should just run track is funny. I had more likelihood of like winning a sprint. I actually had more like, I could shoot a shot put farther and faster than I could actually run a sprint.

8:25So what put us in this mind to say like, oh, we're going to run track. Now, here's the difference between you and I, I immediately assess the situation. And I know the odds of me actively being like a participant in a track meet as a competitor was like, I don't know, 0.5 out of 10. So I'm like, I'm going to join the track team and I'm going to rake the pit, which means like with people were doing the long jump or the triple jump, I was just raking the pit. I was part of the team, but like, I wasn't doing much. Why do you out of nowhere at the time you're like a solid five, two, and you're like, I'm going to pick up running hurdles.

8:57Okay. So nevermind the fact that my sister just decides stuff. Like she's just going to be like, Oh, you want to know what the hurdles almost as tall as me. I'm going to decide to jump it in the, it was like the 800 or the 400, 300 hurdle, 300 meter hurdles. The girl has even jumped over puddles in her whole life. And she's like, I'm gonna jump hurdles. And so take us back to the track meet where our coach Julia is watching you on the starting line. Now here's the thing. It's like an opener. So there's like a season opener. So there's a ton of people. I I think it's like on a Saturday, right? Cause like we were there early.

9:33Okay. Take us back to that story. Cause I want to press back and be like, Oh, I wasn't born resilient, but we are born with different options. So talk to us about the option that you had at the finish line. Cause girl, this story, it's like, we continuously years later, we'll send back memes. I'm like, I'm having a Bianca on hurdles day. So take it away. Okay. So I think what is an, also an important thing to know is the five, two girl that shouldn't be jumping over aluminum obstacles called hurdles was also the person that was nominated as captain of the track team. So, oh yeah. Talk about the least qualified doing the most.

10:03It's like story of our lives. Like you ain't got no reason to be track captain. And then there you were like, okay. Okay. So jazz, you have the details, correct. So it is a seasonal invitational meaning that all the schools in our County were gathered on this one day to compete against each other, almost like to size each other up before the season started. And I was in the first heat, the first race of the entire day. it's a cold misty morning and I'm in the starting block hold on hold on hold on wait wait wait we have to tell people like in Southern California when you are having like a season opener you're bringing in local schools so these local schools are like Linwood Long Beach Mayfair Compton like we're talking about like schools with like people who are like oh yeah we're part-time training for the Olympics okay exactly okay so that's all who's here okay so if you're willing for these details I'm going to include these details.

10:53I was sandwiched between these two competitive sisters. They were in two different grades, but one was named Franisha and the other one was named Aisha. And I don't know what possessed me, a 5 '2 Mexican to think that I could actually compete and hang and win these seven, five sisters of Goliath, you know, running the 300 meter hurdles. But you know, mama always told us, we are more than conquerors and we can do all things through Christ. I mean, this is what you have, like when your mom loves Jesus. When you have like an ultra conservative homeschool mom, like what do you ever want to do? Go and do it.

11:26You're going to do it. So you totally thought you were going to be Farnisha and Aisha. Oh, I absolutely did. So the gun goes off and I take off. I'm following all of Coach Julia's instructions. I am staying in my lane. I'm focused. I clear hurdle one. I clear hurdle two. And on the left side of me, I see a Farnisha gain. And I did the fatal flaw that Coach Julia said never to do. Never look to the left. Never look to the right. Keep your eyes focused on your race. Now, that's a whole other sermon and a whole other podcast for another day because every business owner out there needs to not look at what he and she and them are doing about their business.

11:59They need to keep their eyes focused on their business. Amen. I love somebody. We're gonna take people to church. That's not even the point of the story. I did not listen to the months of training with Coach Julia. And what happened is that it threw off my approach to the third hurdle. If you know anything about hurtling, your cadence, your velocity, your speed determines - Bianca, get to the story, girl. Get to the story. Honey, I fell. I fell after hurdle four. I got back up undeterred and I said I could still place I fell over hurdle five fell over hurdle six fell over hurdle seven I mean it's at the point where i'm sure people have seen these like memes on instagram of this girl that just continually falls over every hurdle Yeah, I inspired that.

12:35Okay. I'm the president of the falling over the hurdle club when I got to the 10th Hold on hold on now from a different perspective I'm raking the pit at the track meet and I am looking across the field and all I see is somebody, like it's not like those funny people who try to keep their pride intact. It's like Bianca ran like she was gonna clear the hurdle after missing hurdle three, four, five. And I'm watching my sister. My mouth is on the sand in the pit. I'm holding this rake and all I'm saying is like, oh God, no, not again. Oh God, oh God, no, no, not again. I am literally willing my sister, get off the track.

13:13Just stop right now. And then, so here's the thing. My perspective is I'm seeing you run and then all of the bleachers behind you, I'm seeing everybody's reaction and it's painful. People like, no, no, no, girl, stop, girl, stop. Okay. So that's my perspective. So I get to the 10th hurdle. I'm exhausted. My shins are bloody. My knees are bruised. Like I'm mortified. I get to the 10th hurdle and I pick my left leg up over the hurdle. Then I fling my right leg up over the hurdle and I limp across the finish line. Jazzy, I wanted to die. I absolutely wanted to die. Because, you know, you're 17 years old and everyone's looking at you.

13:49And there's like this one rogue clapper that's like, good job. Oh, it was a pity clap, girl. You got the pity clap. Oh, yeah, you did. So they put me in a gurney. I guess a gurney took me to the first aid station. Coach Julia, I see her in the distance, like sprinting over to me. And, you know, they're tending to my cuts and my knees, my bruises. And she looked at me and she said, I'm so proud of you. you ran your race and you didn't quit. And when I tell this story, I usually stop there because it sounds very heroic. Like, yes, I'm a person of resilience. This is amazing. But what I am now owning up to and confessing in this moment is that when she looked at me and she said, I'm so proud of you didn't quit.

14:28I stopped crying and I looked at her and I said, wait a minute, I could have quit. You're telling me I could have quit. And it made me think that if we don't know that quitting is an option, quitting is never an option. In my mind, I had no other option than to move forward. And I think that we're living in a culture and a society of privilege where we can just tap quit. We can throw in the towel. We can peace out. We can say, sign the papers. I'm done. We can walk away with ease. But what if we tell ourselves another narrative? What if we tell ourselves quitting is not an option if quitting is not an option?

14:59What if we tell ourselves winners never quit and quitters never win? What if we tell ourselves if I just put one more foot in front of the other, I will finish. And finishing is success. I think as a business owner and as a person of faith, I look at my life and we think success is the million dollars. Success is the business deal. Success is fill in the blank. No, success is I'm going to finish because the output is our, that's what we're responsible for. Or excuse me, the input is what we're responsible for. But the output that's determined by so many other things. So I can only control what I can control and I will go over every hurdle and fall over every hurdle.

15:40But literally I will get back up and it will finish my race. And I want to tell people there's another option. You don't have to quit because quitting is not an option if quitting is not an option. Okay. So when you looked at Coach Julia and you said like, I can quit. Well, now, you know, in life you can quit. So I'm kind of a believer and I don't know, it's probably the antithesis of like what you believe, but I believe that it's okay to stop. Oh, so do I. In fact, I have a whole - Well, when, when? Oh, what a great segue, Jasmine. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I do have a podcast. And so I know how to ask these leading questions.

16:17So it bears repeating. I wrote a book. So a lot of these answers might feel a little bit like packaged and didactic, but I want us to have honest and real conversations. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the book. It's a line from Kenny Rogers. He's a country music artist for those that don't know. Okay, hold on. A lot of my folks know country music. Like you and I always have like these like disclaimers. We're like, we only, like we grew up, you know, like quoting the Beatles, like as it was like the - Or the Bible. Right, yeah, yeah. Beatles or the Bible. That was our only reference point.

16:46So you're like, Kenny Rogers is this country music. Yeah, he's kind of like leader of the hall of fame. But anyway, okay, Kenny Rogers. So Kenny Rogers has this infamous line. You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Now, I didn't write a book on when to walk away. I wrote a book on how to not to quit. So there's this disclaimer. and I also give like reasons when we should quit, you know? And we have to also note that if there's abuse in the situation, if the season has ended, if a contract has been broken, there's legitimate reasons to walk away. I just want us to make sure that we look at all the options before we walk away.

17:15So not only do I have a disclaimer in the beginning, I actually have, I wrote a section in the appendix about the five questions to ask when we should walk away. Honestly, that's my favorite part of the entire book. The appendix has kind of like all the things that ended up on the cutting room floor that I wish were in the book, but it didn't really fit. because he can't write a book on grit, don't quit, and then have like, but wait, this is how you quit. So I do list five important questions that we need to ask when we're wrestling with, is the season done? Have I looked at all the options? Am I just making an excuse because it's hard?

17:48Is this relationship, is this business, is this contract harming to myself or to others? And one of my favorite questions to ask is, am I released? And this one feels nebulous at best. And so this is the one that I want to talk about. I mean, if you want to go here, one of my favorite questions when people say, I want to quit or I'm done or I want to walk away is this idea of release. Now it's an esoteric term, if you will. It's a nebulous term, but like it's this feeling. You have to be in touch with your heart, your mind, your body, and your soul. I do believe that we have this inner knowing of understanding, okay, when is it done?

18:24When am I done? And when is this done? Not is it hard? Not is it costly? Not is it, am I tired? Am I done? Have I done everything that I could possibly do at this business, at this relationship, in this contract, in this school? Have I done everything I could possibly do? And I released. So I worked for an anti-human trafficking organization for six and a half years. The work is not easy. It is dark. It is heavy. It is stories of trauma. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Like, hold on. I want to like pause here and like really color from my perspective, the work that you were doing. when you said it's hard and it's heavy.

19:00And I'm like, no friends. Like my sister was flying to Greece and meeting with young women who had been trafficked. And not just the fact that this organization moved them from human trafficking, it's everything that happens after. Getting away from an abuser is like step one of a thousand and navigating these stories and the healing process and the whole reprogramming of one's mind. That's what this organization was doing. But Bianca many times was on the ground level, facilitating these women as they move into shelters and homes and hearing their stories. And so she was working for six and a half years in this whole ecosystem and sub ecosystems of this.

19:39So it was extraordinarily long. It was extraordinarily heavy. It was very powerful. It was very moving. It was life-changing. So I kind of wanted to pause there and like color that a little bit more. No, that's great. I think that, yeah, I think that's great. So when you're dealing with these hard and dark and heavy topics and the work that we were doing, there's always a cost. that I think we underestimate. When we start a business, when we move towards a dream, we go to school for whatever, there's always a cost associated with that. So we love the big picture, but we have to count the cost.

20:10What is this going to cost me? And there was so many times when I was working for A21, again, Global Anti-Human Trafficking Organization, where I had moments where I sat at my desk and I literally said the words out loud and in my head, I can't do this anymore. I would go to the bathroom stall And I would just weep over the darkness and the heaviness of seeing something called Stockholm syndrome where victims became, we were rescued out and they went back to their traffickers because they could not envision another life of freedom. I mean, this is some heavy stuff. And I, my role was chief storyteller.

20:43So a lot of what I did was external, internal communication as far as like marketing and social media. And so telling the story and hearing so many of the stories of our survivors, it was so overwhelming. There was so many times where I said, I can't do this anymore. I just, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. It's in those moments where you say, is this hard or am I called? Because if I'm called, I have to deal with the hard. I mean, I think of this in like, Jasmine, you're a parent. Parenting is incredibly hard, but you can't walk away. You can't tap the button and say, okay, I'm done. I mean, you can, you can, but the cost of that is so damaging.

21:19And I think sometimes we walk away from relationships or we walk away from jobs. We walk away from communities of faith because we're like, they irritated me. That was hard. That was mean. Oh, that manager told me I was late all the time. They don't understand that I just can't function without coffee. We're making so many excuses rather than just choosing the hard because I'm called choosing the hard because it's worth it. Choosing the hard because the dream is going to keep me up at night and give me nightmares if I stop now. It's those moments that I want to tap into because there will be moments where you say, I can't do this.

21:52I want to quit. Jasmine, Jasmine, people look at you and see a successful entrepreneur, a successful businesswoman, a successful coach helping other people, you know, achieve their dreams and walk into successful businesses. Have you had moments in the last 30 days where you said, I want to give up? I want to quit? Yeah. Like, I don't know. I'm at a weird, funky place in my life and business. And it's just like, the last 30 days, how many times have you wanted to quit? About 29. That's just the truth. And like this morning, the whole mantra was just like one step at a time, one step at a time.

22:28And I know, and when you walk through those questions of when is it time for you to quit? Like at the end of it, I'm not quitting. I'm not quitting. I'm going to win. So I'm not quitting. If you know that you know you're going to win, I believe I'm going to win. I believe it with all my heart. So if I hold on to this belief and this idea of winning you can't win the game of business You can't win the game of health. You can't win the game of marriage So winning as defined by me and winning as defined by you. I have defined my version of winning I believe that that is mine If I believe that that is mine if I believe that i've been called to start a business And even if the business doesn't look the way that I anticipate i'm going to win But like every day when you said is it hard?

23:07Yes, it's hard Like have I given it my all? No, I haven't. Just answering those two questions. It ain't time to quit, honey. It ain't time to quit. So I feel like we're just having a real conversation. I loved the book because you're just normalizing conversations that are actually pretty normal with us and really foreign to other people. Let's talk about the days that we want to quit. Like just say it out loud. Today's the day I wanted to quit and I didn't. And so I want to go back to this exact, when you said 29 days of wanting, you know, 29 out of 30 days, you're like, I want to give up. This is a lot.