How to Show Up Bigger in Life and Business

0:0010 years ago, I made the decision to build my personal brand that was elevated, yet approachable, and reflected who I was, not just what I did. I created my website with ShowIt because it's true drag and drop freedom so you can easily build and update your site. Plus, their real human support team, game changer. Want to try it for yourself? Head to jasminestar.com forward slash show it for a 14-day free trial and first month free when you subscribe.

0:38Welcome back to the Jasmine Starr Show, a place where we talk about business, marketing, and today embracing the hard stuff in business that makes us show up bigger. So I'm going to keep it real with you the way I always do. And I'm going to start off by speaking my truth. There are times when we disappoint people. There are times we get criticized and there are also times when we want to quit. But the fact that you even push play on this podcast tells me that you have the eagerness to learn and grow and become a next level entrepreneur who isn't going to avoid challenges. You and I, I think we're going to embrace those challenges and then we're going to learn how to be better and become wildly profitable in business.

1:19Yes, profitable. Okay, so this year, if you've noticed in the podcast, I have been openly embracing talking more about money. I want to normalize the conversations. And why I think it's really reared its head in a new way is at the top of the year, I joined a mastermind in my cohort is an all-male mastermind. And one thing that I noticed that was a big difference in an all-male mastermind with me as the only girl in it is they talk about money and they talk about money in a much different way than I've ever experienced it. And it's so normal in that environment that I want to start making it normal in my environment.

2:00And since you and I are here today, let's talk about normalizing that. And one thing that has been a really cool thing this year is I am in a text message group with women who talk about money and not talking about money as like, look at how much I made. It's talking about it in the way of conveying what is working and what's not working. And we're open about sharing strategies about growth and money. And I thought to myself, this podcast should always be a way as an extension of what I am doing and learning, even in the messy middle. So even though today we are not talking about money per se, it is in the way of me showing up bigger in my life and business.

2:45And that's what I want to talk about today is showing up bigger in life and business. So I'm going to walk through four mindset-driven strategies that have been transformational in my life and business. And I'm going to start at the beginning so you know exactly where we're going. The four strategies are, number one, being who you are and not what people think you should be. Number two, setting hard boundaries and saying no. Number three is challenging the norm and embracing leadership. And number four, being vulnerable and sharing the hard stuff. Oh, yeah. This is like a smorgasbord. Have you ever stood in line at a Vegas buffet and you're like, lots of good stuff here.

3:25Where am I going to jump in? Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the buffet that is this podcast. I am talking about how I've been showing up really different this year and I want you to do the same in your own way. So the first strategy to show up bigger is being who you are now, not who you once were, not who people think you should be. And I'm gonna start this episode being very personal. So in my family, I am the eldest of five children and my siblings maybe occasionally, aka all the time, would refer to me as the bossy big sister. And I joke that I'm not bossy. I'm a boss. So we're here to get things done.

4:04Okay. But I think it's a role that I play distinctly in my family. And growing up, my mom would often say, or she'd introduce me as like the responsible one. I am responsible in our family. I am a fixer. Growing up in high school and in college, my mom was very ill. She had severe, severe asthma attacks. She had cancer. She had palsy. And when I was living at home, whenever my mom had a severe asthma attack, she wouldn't wake up my dad. She would come and wake me up. She didn't want to bother my dad. So that's my mom. She's very, very, very sacrificial. But sometimes it would come at a cost of her where she would wait so long that she would be in a very disastrous situation.

4:50And my grandfather passed as a result of an asthma attack that turned so severe it affected his heart. So he had an asthma attack and a heart attack at the same time, which has like deeply rooted fear in my mom that she's not taking care of herself. So you could just imagine teenage years into my early 20s when I would move home from college during the summer. If my mom had an asthma attack, she's coming into my room and I knew immediately the sounds. It was like the firm jiggle of my handle. She would walk in and she would say, Jasmine. And then I would just wake up and I would just know. I throw on my shoes.

5:24By this point in time, I get scalding hot water put in a cup. I get her in the car. I turn on the air conditioner full blast. I force her to drink hot water and I'm just blowing through every red light to get to the hospital. When I say my mom has severe asthma, there were times where she was put on life support. It was very serious. And of all of her children, her spouse included, I was the one who took her. And so that is the role I played for so long in my family. And then over the last five years, I started doing a lot of work. I started unwiring this belief system that I didn't have to be responsible.

6:06And it feels like I kind of just stuttered there for a second because it's still hard for me to say that I don't have to be responsible for everyone all the time. And I don't have to be responsible. And there's no guilt around that. I am choosing to help people by guiding them to help themselves and not simply ask me to get it done. Now, obviously I use the example of my mom with her asthma attack. Like she couldn't drive herself. I get that. But that was just like one example of many things that I would do in my family and for close friends that like, if you're in a pickle, call me, I'm gonna figure it out.

6:43Like you need something. I'll give you the shirt off my back. I'll give you the last penny in my bank account. Like I'm one of those people who I'm like, I'm going to make this work. That's always been my personality. I, I, I. And then in the process of helping people, I was actually hurting myself and I would feel really guilty and beat myself up for not being able to help people in the capacity that I wanted, even if I wasn't responsible. So I was carrying a subconscious belief that I was responsible for them. And then I would beat myself up if I couldn't deliver. But in the process of always taking care of things, I never really empowered people to figure out a way that they could help themselves.

7:18Now, I think you're able to show up as your biggest and best self when you feel energetic about what you're doing, about what you're sharing and creating. Now, I get it. Everybody has bad days, but it won't feel forced as if you're trying to fit into a box that isn't made for you anymore. And I've had to take a big step back and really analyze who and what am I truly responsible for. And if I am not truly responsible for a situation or a person, then I really need to have a conversation about helping them figure it out for themselves. And so when you are figuring out who you are now and not fitting into the version that people want to hold you to, here's a few questions I want you to ask yourself to ensure you're being true to who you are now.

8:02Question number one, what in my business brings me the most purpose? And what do I feel the most passionate about? Being who you are as a business owner begins with discovering your passion and your purpose. And I know that sounds very woo, but I am telling you, if you could just pinpoint why you get up in the morning to run your business, it changes everything. Because when you align your business with what truly motivates you, you'll have the energy and desire to keep moving forward. And I believe that you can continue to keep moving forward, even if you get knocked down because you're passionate.

8:35And that kind of like beautiful mix of getting back up, that beautiful mix of like resilience, pushing forward, making courageous decisions, like that's the thing that empowers you to firmly believe that who you are now is going to be the thing that's going to take your business to the next level. I realized the work I did in my personal life has empowered me to be the most passionate about what I'm doing in my professional life. Like I think this podcast is a perfect example of it. I am not responsible for your success. I won't help you. I'm not going to take your business over. I'm not going to tell you what specifically to do in your business.

9:09My goal is to simply show you how you can help yourself. Seeing you take action, seeing you get results, seeing you figure it out and build your own destiny. Man, I am telling you that truly lights me up. Question number two, to ask yourself, If you are being the version of who you are today and not the version that people want you to be the same version that you were yesterday. Question number two, is this the best use of my skill set and the best way I can serve? Chances are you've grown up, you're evolving, and you are different now than when you first started your business and you've developed new skills that are so valuable.

9:48Are you serving based on those new skills or are you holding yourself back because it makes you, A or someone else, feel safe? And let me just tell you, if you're trying to make yourself feel safe, or if you want to truncate your actions to make somebody else feel safe, I'm telling you that serves no one. Truly. Question number three, am I enjoying the journey? When you allow yourself to evolve, it's much easier to enjoy the journey and find meaning from the work that you're doing every day. Even in those challenging moments, even in those moments of you're just like, man, this is hard. If you pull far back enough, can you say, it's hard, but I am enjoying it.

10:28There's a quote by Mark Manson that says, happiness isn't the absence of problems. It's solving problems that brings happiness. Hey, I'm telling you right now, right? When we are solving problems, we're empowered to enjoy the journey. There's a lot of things that I could talk about or teach, but I don't feel compelled. or I don't get excited to talk about them. I know the biggest impact that I can make is this right here, helping business owners solve their own problems, helping business owners persevere. When I know I'm doing that, even on the dark and hard days, I'm like, man, I'm enjoying this.

11:09I'm enjoying this because I'm sharing what I know and I see other people getting results by doing the work. Okay, the second strategy of really stepping into and becoming bigger and better in life and business is to set hard boundaries and say no a lot. Okay. I am the queen of no. I am not royalty in any other which way. I don't claim a domain except for the land of no. I am the empress of no land. In fact, I say yes so infrequently that people are truly shocked when it happens. Like, I don't, yo, like, what does it say? Shonda Rimes, the creator of Bridgerton. She has like a book called like the year of yes or just say yes or something like that.

11:56It's amazing. I loved it. I loved it. And I'm just like, man, she's all about yes. And I've learned that my yeses mean more because I say no a lot more often because no keeps me free to choose more in real time. Like I want to make a decision as close to possible to the situation because I will be the most informed then. No gives me optionality. I have more options when I say no, no, no, no, no, because when the yeses start stacking up, I know I'm in the best case to make a decision that's best for me and my family and my purpose and my career. No means that when I say yes, I'm a thousand percent in.

12:32If I say yes to you, please know you're getting me at 101%, a thousand percent. In fact, I was in a therapy session recently and I was having a conversation with my therapist who I really, truly respect. And we had discussed a situation and she, in response to something I'd said, she had said, you don't want to blank. And as she paused, right? I, listen, y 'all, when I'm having conversations with people, I am often finishing their sentences. It's like the worst habit. It drives my husband crazy because like when we're having a conversation, if he's not talking fast enough, I'll finish the sentence for him.

13:16And even if I finish the sentence in a way that he knows that he would actually say it, he'll like diverge and say, well, I wasn't saying exactly that. Like, listen, it's a skill set, y 'all. And it drives most people crazy. So there I am in therapy. My therapist is like, you don't want to use your, and in my mind, I use the word power. And when I heard her say, you don't want to use your power there. What she inadvertently said at the same time that I filled in the blank, she had said, you don't want to use your kindness there. Now, I'm not going to get into the situation about what we were applying.

13:48But at the time that she had said your kindness, I actually responded and I said, Dr. Leah, I don't think that this is an issue of kindness. This is an issue of power. Where I am putting my time and my energy in my mindset, I look at that is power. And when I say no, it's simply me saying, I don't want to put my power there. I believe we are all powerful creatures. And I believe the more that we embrace our power, it is our obligation to protect that power as much as it is to use that power. So I am going to ask you, where are you putting your power? And if you say no, be okay saying no. If the former version of you would always say yes, it is okay.

14:38Now hear me when I say, saying no will keep you more focused. I decided earlier this year, my mantra, if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. I must be a thousand percent in on my yeses because my no's become so much more powerful. and I'm going to be the first to say it's normal to experience guilt when you have to say no. I still feel an element of it. It's getting less and less over time. But when I say no as an entrepreneur, it's hard. Now we have to have the conversation that as business owners, we don't have a boss. So when somebody says something, it's not like I could be like, oh, well, my boss said, no, I couldn't.

15:17Or my mom said no. Or my partner said no. No, the decision is yours and you have to own that. And sometimes that's very difficult, but the more you do difficult things, the more you have capacity and continue to do them. And here's the thing. We're wired, I believe, as humans, good humans, we're wired to be helpful and accommodating. But I want to reframe that feeling a tiny bit. The minute that we can reframe no, like instead of seeing no as a rejection, and we get to view it as a strategic decision that empowers you to protect your time and boundaries, then all of a sudden you don't feel guilt.

15:52You feel a sense of pride. You are saying that I'm going to empower myself to protect my time for my friends, for my families, for things that I find very, very important. I am saying no to protect my boundaries. You shouldn't feel guilt for that. And when you do this, when you protect your boundaries and your time, you're able to number one, show up bigger and better in other areas of your life. Number two, empower others to say no when something doesn't feel right or make sense for them. And number three, have more meaningful yeses. When I say yes, people know how dedicated, how in and how excited I am to be there or do that project.

16:33Now, you might've heard the saying, no is a complete sentence and that's valid. But when it comes to opportunities or collaborations, it's probably best to add a little bit more context to why you're declining. I have noticed that I feel less guilt or regret when I can actually put forward a complete explanation. So at least you know why I said no. So here are some tips to communicate no kindly. First, be honest and straightforward in your response. Brene Brown said it best. Clarity is kindness. Just state it for what it is. Show gratitude for the opportunity or for like somebody considering you or giving an invitation.

17:16And you can even explain your current commitments or your boundaries. Okay. So if you're sitting here and being like, that sounds cool, but okay, here's an example. Using a speaker who has declined to do paid only events, but they got invited to speak at a free event. Here's an example. Thank you for the invitation to speak at your event. Unfortunately, I'm not accepting unpaid speaking opportunities right now. That's very clear. And you just explained why you said no. Second, consider suggesting alternatives whenever possible. This shows that you will genuinely care about finding solutions that work for both parties.

17:56And here is how, like, let's just kind of extend this example of taking paid annuling events. Okay, so number one, here we go. Start with the example. Thank you for the invitation to speak at your event. Unfortunately, I'm not accepting unpaid speaking opportunities right now. However, I'd be happy to chat about the possibility of payment, or I can recommend other speakers who might be a great fit for you. I just had virtually this exact conversation. I spoke at an event last year, and the event owner reached out to me, texted me, and he said, Can I loop you into a conversation with another event owner who wants you to speak at their event?

18:36and I was like totally flattered and humbled. I said, yes, please. Got in contact and he invited me to speak at their event. And then I had said, I just want to be clear and upfront at the outset. I am doing paid only speaking events at this time. So before we get our teams involved, may I ask if it's a paid event? If not, no worries. We can find other ways to collaborate in the future. It's been a pleasure meeting you. And he said, we just have speakers for exposure. And I said, I totally appreciate the kind invitation. It's not an alignment for me right now, but let me know when you're in town.

19:13I would love to meet up and get to know you better. That's what it was. Another real life example that happened just maybe a couple months ago, I was invited to give a keynote, but it wasn't a paid event or so they said. Like they said, we have another keynote speaker who's being paid, but that is the only person who's getting paid. The other speakers are doing it for free. And I was like, hmm, well, it wasn't a fit for me. And I always believe that there is a budget if they really want you to be there. And so I declined. But it was really important for me because they reached out to me because they wanted diversification on their stage.

19:52And being a Latina and being female in a really male-dominated industry, it's still important. If I am not on that stage, I do believe that there should be diverse representation of size, age, gender, color. I do. And if I really believe that, I have to believe that there are other people who are at different stages of their business who want to speak or give keynotes, and they might be in alignment with that event. So if I really believe in diversification to stages, then I took it on myself to make personal introductions to black, brown, and female speakers. I believe that just because an opportunity isn't a fit for me at the moment.

20:28it doesn't mean that it's not a perfect fit for somebody else at a different point in their career. Sure. I'm going to be real. I was really bummed. They didn't pay me. It felt like, I'm not going to tell you what it feels like because feelings complicate things. Let's just use logic instead of using this as like, um, it made me feel X. No, I don't care. You shouldn't care about how it made me feel. What are the facts and logics? They had money. They just weren't applying money towards me. Cool. Facts. Now, if I peel back and say there are stages that should be filled with diversity. Well, I want to give somebody else the opportunity to keynote on that stage.

21:01Well, they are representing underrepresented groups of people. The more we do that, I would, hey, I count that as a win. Okay, so as a third point, as we're kind of like owning what we say as no's, is that reminding yourself that no, that's not selfish. Like you can write it on a sticky note, whatever it works. Because if you feel guilt, it can actually show in your response. And that can make the other party feel uncomfortable or unsure about the situation. When I say no to not taking on a paid speaking event, when I say no to going on a trip, when I say no to a new project, I am not saying I'm saying no because it's selfish.

21:43I'm saying no, it's not an alignment. And I don't apologize for it not being an alignment. So how do you know if something is a yes or no, right? Sometimes we feel like it could possibly be a gray area maybe if, okay, here's my four-part framework that I use when making a yes or no decision. And time out. My sister recently, she reached out to me and she had said, Jasmine, you know I listen to your podcast and you just come across as very black or white all the time. And that's not a lot of people who are listening. She's like, you know me, I listen and I'm not really a black or white person. I always grapple in the gray.

22:19And I want to say that I absolutely hear, for all my gray folks, for all the people who grapple with the gray, I hear you and I deeply empathize. What I have also noticed as I've grown as a person and as an entrepreneur is that even though the world isn't black or white, the less versions of gray there are, the faster we are at making decisions. Even if it doesn't feel like the right decision after we make it, at least we made the decision and then we can amend it. It's the gray that takes a lot of time. It's the gray that adds a lot of stress. It's the gray that makes us feel uncertain. So I'm sharing my four-part framework because even though the world isn't black or white, I think that trying to lessen the amount of gray really empowers us.

23:02So step number one, consider your purpose and values. If it is not going to move you forward in business and it doesn't resonate with your personal growth, say no. Step two, assess your resources. Will it take time, energy, or money? to commit to? Do you have those available? If so, is there something else you would rather spend these resources on that will make a bigger impact in your life or business? If the answer is no, own it. If you don't have the time, say no. If you don't have the money, say no. If you don't have the energy, it is okay to say no and don't feel guilty about it. You are stronger in defending if it's an alignment.

23:51Step number three, consider the potential impact or the return on investment. Think both of like short-term and long-term. When I do this, it helps me accept or decline a commitment. Even if it doesn't make sense for me in the short-term, I'm like, oh man, going to this thing, like I'm spending money, I'm not gonna be making that money back real quick, but oh, I get to make long-term relationships that over time would build, then I might say yes. But I really have to assess and be open-hearted and open-sighted is what is the immediate win? What is the long-term win? Is the impact worth the resources?

24:26How does it affect your goals? What are the potential consequences of your decision on your personal or your professional life? And like, I'm speaking to people now, my daughter is three and a half years old. When I am talking about these decisions, when I am talking about spending a weekend at her mastermind, when I am talking about going and taking an investor meeting on the East Coast, it's not just affecting the business. It's affecting the time that I have with my daughter and or at home. If it is not clear in alignment with the goals that I have stated both in short term and long term, then I say no.

25:00And step four, which is a heck of a lot more nebulous, but I've been learning over time to follow my intuition. The more I learn and I train my intuition, the more I get to trust it. So step four is notice how it makes you feel. Do you feel excitement or dread? I'm telling you all, there have been times where I know that opportunity makes so much sense. Like I should want to do that. I should want to be there. And all I feel is, but I don't want to, and I can't explain it. And there were times in my career where I'd be like, okay, I'm going to do this thing, even though I dread it because it's a thing I should do.

25:37Heck no. Life is too short. Learn from my mistakes. If you are not lit up. Now here's one thing, like lit up at the result, lit up at the outcome. Like, listen, we always want to be at the peak of the mountain, but we like are adverse to the climb. I get that. I am not saying like, don't do hard work, But I am just saying, if the hard work and the peak are not in alignment to what it is that you want to do, say no. It is okay to trust your gut in the decision-making process. I have noticed that, well, like in the last four years, I've been doing small little micro tests with my intuition. Or I feel something and I'm like, oh, do I make a logical decision?