Lessons I Learned Being The Only Woman In The Room

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0:39Welcome to the Jasmine Star Show, where we talk a little bit about life and business. But today, we're going to be talking a lot about life into business. So two crazy things happened rather recently. I was able to hike the Phoenician Desert. Yeah. In Phoenix, went hiking in the month of October. Traditionally, some of the hottest months of the year. So that was delightful. And there's nothing like staring out into a Phoenician basin and realize like, hey, just how small you are. I was there with a group of founders. I'm a part of a mastermind called Hampton. And there was about 33 people there.

1:18And I was the only woman, which is interesting and of itself. But I was welcomed with open arms and I went through the entire event and I wanted to share a little bit about what I was learning when I was there. So I was posting on social media updates, things that I was learning. and at the end of one of the stories, I posted the following and I'm gonna read it here because I wanna be very clear about what I said because the story is gonna fall into it. Quote, for those who asked, yes, I was the only female founder in attendance. That needs to change. Less than 2 % of venture capital goes to women and less than 0.5 % to women of color.

1:56I don't wanna be alone in these rooms. So I create content to share my experiences to help other women and underrepresented founders. It's a labor of love, but also a way to leave the door open for anybody who's willing to follow. I put that out. And then a couple of hours later, this was the second crazy thing that happened rather recently is I opened up my direct messages and I got the following message. And I quote, Jasmine, you wear this like a badge of honor, totally clueless that many women, many smarter and more business savvy than you understand that true achievement for women with kids is to be mothers.

2:32Selfish, money-driven women like you who adopt are shameful. You trot that poor girl around in an adult world, depriving her of a real childhood, use her as a prop, and then curate the, look at me, I'm such a great mom video. Even worse, you have emasculated your husband all the while you think or tell yourself you're doing this for Luna. Nice try, but real mothers aren't buying. If you truly wanted to be 100 % to Luna, you would limit your business to her naps and school times, working at home without a crew in your house. And be a real mom. Make no mistake, Jasmine. Jasmine is doing this for Jasmine.

3:06It's your life, but your daughter deserves better. Keep reminding yourself that you will never get a minute of Luna's young life back, nor will she ever have a mom she deserves. Hmm, okay. So before you think that I was crushed by that direct message, let me tell you, hand to heaven. I am not a perfect mom, but I know I am the best mother for my daughter. You could take that to the bank. And when I got that message, it kind of just felt like a, uh, what I call it drive by. And what that message didn't know. And what I did not post on social media was, yes, I was the only woman at the event, but JD and I, my business partner and husband, we decided that we were going to travel and do all of our events this year together, even if I was the only person participating in the event.

3:59So like usual, like every other mastermind event that I have been to all year, we made the decision to travel together. So we flew in, we got into our rental car, we arranged her car seat, we stopped off at the store for snacks and food before we get to the hotel. So that when we get to the hotel and I check in, I get keys to the room, I go out to the car, JD and I load up a trolley, a dolly with all of our luggage and our daughter. And I take my daughter's hand and we're walking to the hotel lobby. And then the gentleman at the front desk says, oh, I'm sorry, excuse me. I hate to tell you, but kids are not allowed here.

4:33And I'm like, excuse me? Like at the hotel? He said, this is not a kid-friendly hotel and children aren't allowed. I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't see it on the website and I'm here as part of an event. Like I just paid to go to the event and then the arrangements were made for me. So I didn't know that kids were available. Nevermind the fact that we are in like the desert of Arizona. We're not even in Phoenix. We're outside of Phoenix. It's not like a whole bunch of hotels that are in the area. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm just confused. And to which point I look at him, I'm like, can you just tell me what to do?

5:09Because I'm totally lost. I'm like, I have a reservation and I have a daughter. And he said, I would suggest getting a different hotel because if people see here, it's a wellness center. So if they see your child, they might be triggered. I was just like, oh, okay. So I've paid for the event. I've paid for the hotel. The event is starting in about an hour. I have all of my luggage and I turned to my husband and I'm like, we need to figure this out. So we take the luggage back to the car. We get Luna in the car and it's like, it's over a hundred degrees at this point. I'm like sweating profusely.

5:45I'm very stressed. And it's crazy because I told JD that I felt like I wanted to cry, which is really a freaking weird emotion. And he looks across from me and he knows like, I'm not so much a crier. I don't process nothing wrong with crying. I just don't really process my emotions by crying. And he's like, are you okay? Like what's going on? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Then the event coordinators, two of the event coordinators, both of who are female, they came out and they're like, we're so sorry. We had no idea. Can we do anything to help? And I said, no, no, no, I'm totally fine.

6:12Please, please, please. You don't have to do anything. I'm totally fine. We'll figure it out. And we were driving, trying to find a last minute hotel. And I was like, why do I want to feel like I want to cry? This is like weird. And JD like, there's no reason to cry. We're going to figure this out. And I'm like, the event starts in an hour. Where are we going? So we find a hotel, we check in, I run in, I try to get ready as fast as possible. And so then JD has to drive me back to the other hotel. And it's about this time. The event is starting at 5 PM sharp. I know it starts at 5 PM sharp. And like my pet peeve is showing up late.

6:45It's like, if you're not five minutes early, you're literally five minutes late. I really believe this. So just imagine that I walk in, like the clock is reading 5 16. So I walk into this room and there's candles lit around the room. And there's like a semi circle, like a U shape of 33 guys sitting in a U with a facilitator at the front and it's pin drop silent and they're journaling. And I walk in and I'm like, oh my God, oh my God. So I don't see a chair and I don't want to make a big deal because I'm late and it's very rude. And then the facilitator stops and says, welcome Jasmine. And everybody turns and looks at me.

7:24And it's in that moment that I realized why I wanted to cry in the valet at the hotel. So let's back up to childhood where I grew up a daughter of an immigrant. I grew up wildly overweight. I was obese. I weighed more than my dad. I didn't know how to read by the time I was 11. I was always behind. I was never the smart kid. And my whole life, I never wanted to be different. And I was. And so then all of a sudden you finally get to like a place in your life, in your career where you're like, oh, it feels so good to be the same. It feels so good to get into a room full of entrepreneurs. And when I was in the valet, all of a sudden I felt like I feel different.

7:58I'm going back and I'm experiencing the things that I don't, I don't want to be different. Like, please, it's okay. I just want to blend in. But then I realized that if I have a child and she's not invited or allowed in the hotel, I'm different. When I walk into this room and everybody's there and it's pin drop and everybody looks at me, I realize I'm the only female in this room and I don't want to be noticed this way. So then I'm invited to sit down and then there's a pause. And the facilitator says, if anybody notices, Jasmine is the only woman in the room. And so we need to, and I'm sitting there and I can't even tell you, I was sweating profusely.

8:28When I would say I was sweating profusely, I mean, this is probably a TMI, but whatever, like, let's just be real. This was actually, what was happening. I was sitting in a hotel chair, like ballroom chair, and I'm sitting there and I feel sweat drip from my armpit to my leg. I don't even know. That's never, I work out and I don't even sweat that much. So just imagine I'm sitting there and I'm like, I'm going to smell like pigsty from Snoopy land and I can't do anything about it. And I am sitting feeling myself drip. And all of a sudden I'm thinking in the back of my mind, I don't want to be noticed.

9:04I just want to come into a room and do the dang work. And so I said, thank you. Thank you. Okay. Like, I'm so sorry for being late. And the facilitator said, oh, well, Jasmine was dealing with things with her family. And I was like, of course, I'm the only woman. And this is being cited as I'm dealing with my family. Then I decided to change the narrative. All of that was true. I am different. I was dealing with things with my family and there were things that were unexpected. Moving on. Conference, the event, it was great. I ended well. I got what I needed to. And guess what? That situation didn't beat me.

9:45And then I post and I share my experience and somebody leaves a very, very drive-by-ish comment, direct message, not comment, excuse me, direct message. And I have to tell you that I didn't know that hiking through the Phoenician desert was actually going to prepare me for dealing with that direct message. Here's why. We went with a desert guide and he was talking to us about the cigarro. The cigarro is a particular type of cactus. And as he was talking, because I'm, I am a nerd. I take notes while on a hike. Cause I was like, there's lessons to be learned here. I hand to heaven, brought out my notes up and was just taking notes about what he was saying.

10:23I had no idea that the notes that I was taking was going to prepare me for this drive-by direct message. So three things that I learned in the Phoenician desert to help me become a better entrepreneur, and I'm just sharing them with you. Lesson number one, even on the hottest days, the cigarro is only ever half exposed to the sun. So when the sun fires, when the heat is going, maybe like the heat from a direct message, remember that the full sun can never hit all of the cactus at once. The cigarro remains only ever half lit. Whatever comes your way, remember that the hottest part always exists on the other side of the shaded part.

11:05When people throw heat, remember you can stand in the shade. Number two, collect the most you can while creating pathways of expansion. So in the desert, it hardly ever rains. But when it does rain, the cigarro is smart enough to expand its base and absorb as much water as possible. When I am in a good place and things are healthy and happy, it is then that I am supposed to replenish myself. So when the heat comes and people have opinions about what it is I'm doing, it's not going to affect me because my internal reservoir has expanded in times of good and great in abundance so that when it's time for it to retract during times of heat, I don't have to worry.

11:47I'm well nourished. Lesson number three, what makes the cigarro beautiful is the result of the harshest environment. So if you ever take a look at a cigarro, it is a cactus, but with heavily drooping arms. Well, when the rain comes, the cigarro, as it sprouts its arms, It usually sprouts its arms around 13 or 15 years into its life. It begins to sprout its arms. And during the rain, it will collect water into its arms. And then it gets very cold in the desert. So then the water that's in the arms of the cigarro freezes and it causes the arms of the cigarro to drop. So when we see beautiful, stunning, gorgeous cigarroes with these long, droopy arms, we have to understand that their beauty is the result of the harshest circumstances.

12:28And so when people go and say things about you, remember, just like the cigarro, you can always stay in shade to soak up things in the greatest amount of abundance. So when this heat comes, you're prepared for it. And always remember that the prettiest, most beautiful parts of your life also kind of results during the harshest moments. Now we talked about the not so great part, but there was also other messages that were supportive, but also inquisitive. And so when I wrote that story around how few women get into being in bigger rooms around other larger, significantly bigger entrepreneurs and businesses, I got three questions the most in my direct messages.

13:11Number one, how did you get into that room? Number two, how much money do you have to make in your business to get into that room? And number three, how can I grow my business to be that size to join a mastermind and get in that room? And I realized that I was trying my best to answer all of these direct messages, but I I couldn't actually give a very robust answer because sometimes when you tell people how much you have to make to get into that room, they look at that and they see an impossible number. And then they say, I'll never get there. So I won't try. I don't like that answer. And so what I found myself doing is saying, well, you need to get around people who can help you to get to where you want to go.

13:51And those people are going to help you grow slowly. And it still did not feel like it was the best answer. And then crazy life happened for me. And I want to share this lesson with you. If you are finding that you would like to be in different rooms with different entrepreneurs, then you can bring it upon yourself regardless of how much money you have or the status or the state of your business. So I'm going to break this down and then we're going to get into a real life example because I want you taking actionable action. So most masterminds or executive group coaching programs, they happen in one of two ways.

14:21Number one, a person decides to host a mastermind and then invites people to apply to the mastermind and pay. And then the people who are paying, they're paying for the assumption that the host is going to aggregate the best group of people for the greatest amount of value. So as an example, in 2023, I hosted my very first mastermind. So people paid to be a part of my mastermind so that they would be able to trust. And on the assumption that I was going to be collecting a group of great, amazing people, similar sizes of business who can all help each other. Now, the second way a mastermind happens is that an organization will host a series of groups or like a cohort on a big scale.

15:01So think of this as like, if you're familiar with chief or YPO or Hampton entrepreneurs, organizations where you pay a fee and that's like a large group, like maybe two or 3000. And then they put you in smaller groups. That is traditionally how it's been done, but it also means that it's kind of exclusive and kind of not by intentionality. and yet by intentionality, it leaves a group of people out. So the biggest gap into getting into an executive group coaching program or into a high-end mastermind is money. You need money to join them. And oftentimes the more expensive a mastermind or an executive group coaching is, it actually siphons out to the size of the business.

15:40The more that the mastermind or executive group coaching costs, the more money that your business is making so you can substantiate it. Basically, that's the general idea of thinking. Okay. So if you're thinking, I want to get into those rooms, but I don't have money. Well, I think that there is a really great workaround. It was a workaround that I used earlier in my career. And it's a workaround I did most recently in my career. In fact, November of 2023, this whole thing happened. So let's start with how to make these events happen? Scrappy action. The scrappier action you take, the better off this experience is going to be.

16:18Why does scrappy action, why do I think it's better? Well, there's no rules, just results. There's no expectations, just results. There's no standards, there's just results. And as a result, this is going to be priceless because it's going to guide you to where you want to go. So let's break this down by a real example. In November, 2023, I was invited by my friend, Stacey Tushel. Now, Stacey and I met on the back of us meeting in a mastermind back in 2019. We had both paid$40 ,000 to be a part of a mastermind where we met, we connected. And one of the things that like really struck me about her is like, she's a Wisconsin girl.

16:53She was unafraid for scrappy action to build multiple successful businesses. So we have stayed in contact over the years by way of social media. So much to my surprise and delight, Stacey sent me a text message and she said, well, hold on, let me pause here. I should also say that Stacey hosts masterminds. So people pay her as the host of the mastermind so she can curate other events. So when Stacey texted me and said, Jasmine, I'm going to be doing an invite only exclusive mastermind for a peer to peer mastermind. I was like, uh, yeah, like I want to sign up for that. So what she did, and this is what I love, and this is the action item for you.

17:28She had said, everybody's going to chip in X amount of dollars. And so I don't want to tell you the amount of money that we chipped in because some people will say, oh, well already I can't do that. You can chip in a hundred dollars, a thousand dollars, $10 ,000. So you want to do is you want to be able to gather a small group of people to pitch in. Why? Okay. So Stacey invited about 20 people and we all pitched in X amount of money. Now, Now, what we did was gather a significant amount of money to pay somebody who is farther along in their business to come in and speak about their specialty. Now, normally, I could not pay for this person's time because it's too expensive.

18:11But what could I do? I can myself and 10, 15, 20 other people aggregate our money and invite somebody who's farther in their career or more experience or knows something of a specialty that we all want to know. So Stacey invited Layla Hermosi. Layla Hermosi is somebody I look up to. She's been on the podcast. Shout out to Layla Hermosi. And I listened to her podcast. I listened to what she's doing. And I wanted her to give insights into my business. Could I afford to pay her for a one-on-one? No, because she doesn't even do one-on-ones. But is it worth her time to get together, to get compensated really well, spend an hour and a half with 20 people and give one-on-one insights to the business?

18:47Hell yeah, she was. Okay, so when you think about it, why would, as an aggregate group of people, like pay into a group to hire somebody else. Like why would that person say yes? Well, for Layla, I can't speak for anybody else. She said, if you guys come to Las Vegas, it's her hometown. So it was a short commute. She said, can I bring my videographer? So we were paying her to consult with us while she was making high-end content, high-end for like a high-end entrepreneur, a bigger entrepreneur, which is something that like her asking high-level questions and her giving high-level responses, that was really incredible.

19:19And three, she was able to talk about business strategy and then she gets to strut her stuff. She's the CEO of acquisition.com. And so all of these things worked for her. And so why am I bringing this up to you now? I want to show how you can take scrappy action just like Stacey to get results for where you are in your career. You might not be a part of an executive group coaching program. You might not be a part of a mastermind that's 40 or$50 ,000 a year to join. But what can you do? You can get together with a group of people to pull money to bring in a speaker. whether you're paying that speaker$50 ,000 or$5 ,000, you're going to find somebody who could speak to that group.

19:57Who's just a couple steps ahead of your business. So let's break this down into the four things that you can do to attract a really cool group of people together and attract somebody to come and speak to them. So number one, reach out to a group of industry peers or colleagues, and then invite them for a not-for-profit mastermind. That was a key that Stacy told everybody. She said, I'm not making money off this. I am willing to organize it. Let's get everybody together because I want this as much as anybody else. And she likes hanging out with all of us. Number two, set the investment price and facilitate an easy way to collect payment.

20:26Number three, once you've collected payment and everybody is guaranteed that they're going to be going, now you have a budget to hire a speaker. And so it's very different if you go to like an agency or you reach out to somebody and you say, okay, I have$3 ,000 to hire a consult. Probably not going to get anywhere. If you go to somebody and be like, I have$50 ,000. Now we're talking and it's going to be worth their time. Number four, I wanted to remind you that your investment can be$100,$1 ,000,$10 ,000, whatever it is you need that other people in your similar strata can afford to attract somebody else who's further in their career to come in and invest their time, their energy, and their education.

21:07And I am going to go back to where I started. I am creating this podcast to share my experience that sometimes being able to get in the room looks like a certain way on social media and feels a certain way offline. And then if you decide to share that content on social media, people are going to have an opinion about it. And always remember that their opinion doesn't pay your bills. And just remember, like the cigarro, the heat will never permeate 100 % of the cactus to gather vast amount of goodness and abundance during times of goodness and abundance so that you can withstand the harsh times.

21:48And remember that the beauty of who you are is often created over the harshest circumstances. And after that like Hallmark special Disney Christmas episode, we're gonna get into the real nuts and bolts of it. Get a group of people who can contribute and hire somebody who's further in your career to you being able to build a group around common shared interest, passions, and business. Somebody who's going to have a transformative effect on your business. There is power in more than you doing it alone. So create those masterminds, create your peer-to-peer groups, create executive coaching on your own terms to serve your business.

22:24The answer of getting everything you want is asking yourself, how do I get to yes? I hope this episode has empowered you more than anything. For those of you who leave a review, if you haven't left a review and you're listening to more than one podcast, this is me clearly asking for you to subscribe, for you to leave a podcast review. They have the world's biggest difference on what it is we do. Thank you so much. No, I'm gonna pause there. I was rushing through that. I was rushing through that. Let me be very clear. Please leave a podcast review. I am asking you because when we are pitching other guests, they're able to look at that and they see the profound effect that it's happening and they know that their time spent here with you and me is worth their time.

23:08So that was me asking clearly. Thank you so much for listening to the Jasmine Star Show. I hope you have a beautiful day.