Three Ways to Remove Comparison and Become Unstoppable

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0:38I've said it before and I will say it again. There were plenty of Christmases that my family received donations from our church. My dad was one of the hardest working men that I know. He would work three jobs, sometimes even four, to put food on the table. And yet, despite his best efforts, feeding five children on one income without a college degree, well, it was really difficult. So much so that it was common for people at church to even give my parents money or even our neighbors to put food on our porch. We were fortunate to be loved and supported by so many people. Specifically because the area in which we grew up, it was not uncommon for a lot of people to struggle.

1:22So it was around Christmas time and it was yet another year that we got gifts donated to us. And oftentimes other families in the church would like adopt a family and then you would just get like almost like a dossier, right? Two girls of the age of eight. What do average eight year olds like? And so we got things like trapper keepers and socks and art supplies. And as cool as they were, as cool as they were, they weren't exactly what you really wanted for Christmas, but you were still very thankful. And I think myself and my siblings were really thankful because we actually had something to open for Christmas.

1:58And I didn't want to forsake how big of a deal that was, specifically because there were some kids in the neighborhoods who didn't get Christmas gifts. I'll never forget, we had a neighbor. She was the girl we played with all the time, Lupita Guzman. Now, Lupita came from a family of six kids. And in our family, we had five kids. and her dad worked just as hard as my dad, worked multiple jobs and her mom worked. But this particular Christmas, her dad had lost his job. And instead of Santa bringing her brand new gifts, what she got was a pair of roller skates that actually belonged to her sister.

2:40And so the family told her that Santa was regifting her gifts. And so on Christmas morning, when all the kids were taking what they got out, their new toys and gifts, and we're out there on the street while Lupita, ooh, Lupita rode her straight. Ha ha, I'm gonna start again. Ooh, Lupita, ooh, whoa. She rode her skates completely uncaring about the gifts that other people had. All she felt was joy getting her sister skates. And she felt her joy because she wasn't comparing her gifts to anybody else. She said, Santa loved my sister's skate so much that he gave them to me. And I remember as a child being completely befuddled.

3:26She was skating in utter joy. Y 'all, welcome to the Jasmine Starr Show, where we chat about business and marketing, resilience, mindset. And we're also going to talk about Santa's love for recycling gifts. Okay. There's a quote that says, comparison is a thief of joy. And with social media, like more than ever, we're experiencing this on a whole new level. You know, a few weeks ago, it was Memorial Weekend and quote, unquote, everyone. It felt like everyone was in Portugal or the Hamptons or the Amalfi Coast. And I was on my stationary treadmill surrounded by a pile of three-year-old toys. And I was like, is it just me?

4:08Like, is everybody else having like exotic fun? And I am here on like a walking treadmill with like music playing in the background and my daughter insisting that I'm walking very fast, going nowhere, yeah. I was like, okay, yeah. Maybe everybody else is having fun and I'm not. Have you ever felt that? I hate even admitting that, but we get real on the podcast. I was having one of those moments. Like my life is really boring. I should go out and do something. Why am I not doing anything? But here's the thing. I feel like maybe we experienced this in some capacity in different varying degrees. and sometimes many of us struggle feeling this way on a daily basis.

4:46But I wanna share three simple mindset shifts that you can use to release comparison. And they're tried and tested. Well, basically they're just tried and tested by me, but here's the thing, I know they work. So three simple mindset shifts. Number one, replace the face. When you see someone on social media that hits a business milestone that you wanna hit, or perhaps is speaking on a stage that you really want to be on or takes their full-time team or family on a trip that you have been dreaming of or perhaps buys your dream home or your dream car, the car that you see in your mind, boom, they have the keys for it.

5:25What I want you to do is I want you to replace the face and imagine yourself in their shoes. Allow yourself to feel the gratitude and the sensation of that experience that you're wanting. And then I want you to comment on their post and say, congratulations, and use their name. Use their name. Congratulations. You deserve this because, and then you leave a specific and genuine reason why they deserve it. Here are a couple examples, right? Because sometimes it's like replacing the face is one thing, but then saying something on top of it. Yes, sprinkle out the goodness. Here's a couple examples.

6:03You deserve this because you show up every day and get deep and vulnerable with your audience. You deserve this because you lead with integrity in your life and your business. You deserve this because you truly care about the client experience and over deliver. Ooh, I mean, I can give you advice. These are things that I have said to other people because I need to replace the face. But I can also address why this isn't easy. We want what they have. And we wonder sometimes why we don't have it. And then we worry we may never have it. But here is like, there's a bigger thing here. Now, I believe that when we replace a face and we say good, positive, kind, uplifting things to other people, this can help and helps in more ways.

6:50Because other than just removing comparison, what we're doing is we're building rapport with others in the industry. And even a little bit exposure from their network by commenting on their posts is a good thing. when is spreading goodness and joy and smiles on the internet ever a bad thing and here's another thing when you spread a good positive comment well you never know what kind of opportunities you're opening for yourself you don't know who is seeing that and perhaps you're even increasing the chances of referrals when a client might not be a good fit for them right like you're celebrating that person for standing on that stage and there might be another opportunity where that person is booked to speak on a stage or perhaps they say you know what I want to speak on the stage with this person and then they co-sign for you.

7:30You never know what goodness brings. I once read a quote in New York and it was like graffitied on a wall. Good baguettes good. Ooh, hot dang. Let's sit there for a second. Good baguettes good. Point number two, the simple mindset shift that we can make, the gap and the gain. Now the gap and the gain are two different ways that we can measure progress because some of us are going to live in the gap and some of us are going to live in the game. Now, we all have an ideal life that we're working towards, especially as business owners. This ideal life is a moving target, right? Because just when we say, if I just get there then, and then as the minute we get kind of close to it, ah, we kind of move it.

8:14It constantly progresses and it moves as we reach new levels and our desires progress. Sometimes we look at it and and we will always keep it out of reach. When we measure our progress against that ideal, we're living in the gap. Our brains are wired to live in the gap until we rewire them to live in the gain. So how does this go deeper? How can we live in the gain and not the gap? Well, when we measure our current selves against our previous selves, well, we're living in the gain, right? Like who I am today, when I compare who I am today, forget this. Let me take me out of this. When you compare who you are today to who you were last year or five years ago or 10 years ago, when you do that, you're in the game.

9:04Living in the game has psychological benefits and it's the only true way to measure progress. The gap measures the distance to where we are now, to where we wish we are. But that target moves. That's unmeasurable, right? If we're always moving the target, we can accurately measure it. But the gain, the difference between the gap and the gain is that the gain measures the distance of where we are now and where we once were. And that is precisely measurable. We know exactly how far we have come. Now, living in the gain, it could look like shifting from, okay, so here's the gap. I've been in business five years and I'm still not earning six figures this year.

9:48Well, why don't we shift that to the gain? I started with zero money for my business, and I have earned X amount of dollars in revenue in the last five years. Ah, what did we just do there? We actually said there is a gain. Now, let's do another one, the gap. I still don't have 10 ,000 followers, and I've been posting every day. Well, why don't we switch that to the gain? When I first started posting, I couldn't even press the go live button, and here I am going live on camera three times a week. What did we do? We moved from the gap to the gain. One more time for the people in the back. Here we go, the gap.

10:25I thought that I would have sold X products by now, but I've only done a fraction of that. That's the gap. How do we move this to the gain? I remember when my product was still in the ideation phases and now I'm holding it in my hands and I'm sharing it with others. Woo-hoo-hoo, right there, friends. Most people, especially highly ambitious people, they're unhappy just because of how they measure their progress. My invitation to you to avoid comparison was that second mindset shift was moving from the gap to the gain. And a big shout out to Dr. Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan. They do a great job explaining this in the book called The Gap and the Gain.

11:07Y 'all, talk about mindset shifts and thinking bigger and differently. Now, to our third mindset shift. Y 'all know we started off by replace the face. Number two was the gap versus the gain. And then number three, what are we going to talk about right about now? Yes, practicing gratitude. Now, I know you've heard me say this before, but I want you to stay with me because there's a little bit of twist here. Why? Gratitude strengthens your resilience. What is resilience? The ability to get back up. So how? How does it do this? Well, gratitude is connected to cognitive reappraisal. Now, this is another word.

11:48This is like a really fancy word for reframing. This means we have control over our perspective and how we choose to see things. In a world without gratitude, we would only focus on the negative, which would mentally destroy our ability to pursue our desires to grow. Practicing gratitude can help you better manage the hardships that you might be dealing with, resulting in increased self-control. Okay. So gratitude helps you manage your hardships. Okay. Gratitude is helping you reframe. Now I want to quote these resources. We'll have them in the show notes, but as I'm talking, if you're just listening, this is coming from David Desteno.

12:28Gratitude is connected to increasing our self-control and our resilience. Hot dang. Simply saying thank you. I once heard, it was a simple quote, I believe it was from a monk, and he had said, God, if the only prayer I ever say, may it be thank you, thank you, thank you. Imagine how small those two words are and how much they help us shift from comparison. Did you know that practicing gratitude, in addition to increasing your resilience, it actually improves your mental clarity and your focus? Okay, so how does it do it? Well, maybe you know that dopamine plays a role in the reward system of how we feel pleasure.

13:17The more dopamine you have, the more dopamine you're feeling, the more pleasure. But it's also a big part in our ability to think and plan. That's called our executive function. So dopamine gives us motivation, which helps us strive and focus. It also encourages the desire of learning and finding things interesting, increasing the quality and the duration of our focus. Okay, so by simply saying thank you, thank you, thank you, we are becoming stronger and our mental clarity is increasing. And as if that is not enough, practicing gratitude increases self-belief. How? Well, you're shifting your mind's focus.

14:00Gratitude can enhance the self-awareness of your strengths and accomplishments, and it counters your negative self-talk. Now, when you have a very consistent gratitude practice, and I am not talking about you spending 75 minutes journaling. No, no, no. Could you write one or two things on a post-it note that you're thankful for? Can you wake up in the morning and simply say, thank you, thank you, thank you? With a consistent gratitude practice, you're going to develop a stronger sense of confidence in your abilities and a more positive and supportive internal dialogue. And when you do that, well, then your self-belief goes up.

14:34By simply saying thank you, what you're telling your brain is, let me look back at what has happened and express gratitude. But when you're expressing gratitude for something that has already happened, it's a signal to your brain that you're competent. Isn't that crazy? Okay, okay, and y 'all know I'm like a law school dropout. Let me present another reason why practicing gratitude will keep you from comparison. It improves relationship and support. So how does gratitude do that? When we are internally grateful, we tend to approach our relationships with a greater sense of appreciation. And when we are approaching our relationships with a greater sense of appreciation, relationships with our partner, with our family, with our children, with our coworkers, when we are approaching our relationships with a greater sense of appreciation, well, it improves our communication.

15:20And this becomes ultimately the type of person who wants to be around us. When we approach all relationships with a greater sense of appreciation, I am happy we are raising a child together. I am thankful I get to work with you. Despite all of our flaws, I'm really appreciative to be your sister. Mom, thank you. When we say those things, it improves our communication. And when we communicate better, our connections get deeper. And this just means that people want to be around us because we're just thankful. We're expressing our gratitude for having them in our lives. And we think, well, of course they know we're thankful.

16:06Perhaps, but it never hurts to say it again. Now, attracting what you actually want out of your life, a lot of it starts with gratitude. And gratitude is the best way to stop comparing because what you're really doing is just expressing appreciation for what you have. I mean, and I'm just going to be real. You know I spit it straight. If you're not thankful for your 200 followers, how are you ever going to be thankful for 2 ,000 followers or 200 ,000 followers or 2 million followers? The way that we get and attract more is simply by being thankful for what we have. If you're not grateful for your customers right now and the clients that you serve, how are you ever going to be appreciative for the waves of people who come?

16:51How are you going to bring that type of energy into the work that you do to attract that amount of customers. The key is to stay consistent with your gratitude practice and allow yourself to feel the sensations that come up when you're practicing. When you're actually saying, thank you, thank you, thank you. What are you hearing? Are there birds chirping? Is there coffee percolating? Or is there just a beautiful, quiet hum? What are the scents in the room? Is it clean laundry? Is it a bar of soap that you left open on the counter? Is it coffee percolating? Man, I love me some good coffee. When you're saying thank you, thank you, thank you, what are the things that you're seeing in your mind's eye?

17:34Is it the future? Is it health? Is it a moment of decadence? You know, I have to tell you that when I think about gratitude, it comes in a lot of different ways. I started off this podcast talking about Christmas, And so there is a moment of gratitude that looks a little bit different many years later. So one year for Christmas, my dad bought my mom Ralph Lauren romance. And it's a perfume. It was a tiny bottle of perfume and it came in a pink box. And it was the year that she was diagnosed with cancer. And she wore that perfume every time she got her chemo and radiation treatments. And little did we know that any of us, that that scent would become the smell of cancer.

18:18to my dad. So a couple of years ago, my mom randomly wore that perfume, wore romance. She sprayed it and she went there at church and she went over and she either hugged my dad or she gave him a kiss on the cheek. And my dad started to cry. He had smelled the perfume and he said that he was happy he didn't have to smell cancer again. And then he said, I love you, but please never wear that perfume again. So when we think about gratitude, it comes in a myriad of ways. What we see, what we think, what we smell. And here I am, and I'm talking about removing ways of comparison. And then I'm talking about one of the greatest ways that we can stop comparing ourselves to others is to be thankful for what we have.

19:06And so on a small, very personal note, I'm very, very grateful that I get to record this podcast in this moment. I am recording at home and I'm barefoot and my daughter is here just right outside my office door and my husband is in the kitchen and he's making something to eat. And when they get to see me, specifically my daughter, like when Luna gets to see my podcast mic, sometimes she'll come over and then she'll sing into it. And so sometimes she'll look at the cameras that I have set up and sometimes she gets to see me do what I love. And like that, like that makes me so grateful. Even when I get really tired and stressed, I am still so grateful.

19:49It's in these moments that like I really, I really don't care about the download numbers. And I really don't care about booking the next hottest guest for the podcast. And I really am not wondering if I'm going to ever get a podcast sponsor. No, I simply think of how fortunate I am to do something I love. And I'm very happy that she gets to see me do it. And I'm very happy that you're listening to it now. That makes me very, very thankful. So my question to you is, what are you grateful for today? Are you grateful for your health? Are you grateful for your drive and dedication? Your ability to learn and invest in yourself?

20:30I would really love to know. If you're listening to this podcast, can you take a photo of your view? Like, what are you looking at as you are listening? And tag me on Instagram and let me know what you're grateful for. Because I love to see how you listen. I love to see how you think. I love to see how you express. And I actually believe that your followers are going to like that too. People love seeing how other people live their lives. You are amazing and you are interesting and you are fascinating and you're pursuing and you're courageous in your building when other people don't have that ability, why not document that with a moment of gratitude?

21:08I hope that one of these three mindset shifts, number one, replace the face, number two, living in the gain and not the gap, and number three, practicing gratitude. I hope that these are helpful, not just in your business, but in your overall life and wellbeing because you deserve to love your life where it is now and also where it will go. I know your time is valuable. And if you'd be so kind to leave a review or tag me in one of your Instagram stories when you listen, this is a very powerful way that I can connect with you in real time. And it makes me so, so dare I say it? Dare I say it? I would be so grateful.

21:49Thanks for listening to the Jasmine Star Show. I can't wait for us to connect again soon.