#2415 - Adam Ray

23:29But they take the tax on it. They pay you like$100 a week. Yeah. It's weird. It's a big payout. Or you can get all of it in once, in one sum, but it's never the same amount. They give you way less. Yeah. Which is horseshit. It is. So if you want to get the$2 billion, it's probably like, what is the actual, let's find this out. What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept either the payments where they just pay you, like we got$2 billion coming your way, guaranteed. Promise you. Yeah. We're going to give you a little every month. But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, motherfucker?

24:08Yeah. You sold 111 million tickets. What'd you do with that money? Where's that money? How about give me all that? Yeah, no shit. What the fuck are you doing? What is this? 30 year annuity option. 30 years. Wow. They want to pay you for 30 years. Would you take that or just take that? Nice and slow. That's the way we do it, see? Nice and slow. It is that guy. No, is this, I gotta say this. I didn't, this says this option pays out the full advertised jackpot amount. Oh, it's a different one? I didn't know that. Let me see if that's real. By the way, that voice, you were doing, that's for sure the head of the lottery.

24:46Nice and slow. A Mr. Burns, Al Pacino type guy. That's how we're gonna pay him, nice and slow. Oh yeah, dude, in a Fila jumpsuit. Some dude just stealing money. He's got a fake Rolex on. Oh yeah. Paying him nice and slow. Oh yeah, dude. 30 years is crazy. If you win the lottery and you're 60, bitch, you ain't got 30 years, especially with lottery money. That kind of cocaine. You got to take it off. Cocaine and Ferraris. You got lottery money. What do you think you're doing? Because you, I mean, you're fine. But did you ever fantasize about that? I think it's normal to be a person. As long as you've been aware of the lottery, I think everyone has had that conversation.

25:27What would you do if you won the lottery? I remember having that as a kid. And I remember telling my dad I was going to win the lottery just to fucking, you never have to work. Like, what? How did I even think to? But you just, you hear about it and you're like, the idea of just getting rich right away and then not having to do anything I think is pretty common in this country, right? Well, it's a wonderful idea. Like, because everybody hates work. Did you ever think about it, though? Oh, sure. I played the lottery a bunch of times. But like, did you fancy that about what you would do? I don't remember how many times I played it.

25:55Let me think of how many times. You know, not a lot of times. I think I probably played it like all told in my life like less than 10 times. What did you write down or say to yourself? I'm not like a vision port type of thing. But like if you got like, let's say you did win like 500 mil and you were in your early 20s or something. Oh, I'd be broke. I'd be broke and ruined. You would have gone through it all. I would be ruined now. You wouldn't have put it away for the fam. No, no, no, no. I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now. Oh, man. I'd be going on some sad tour. Yeah. People would be like, what about when you had all that money?

26:28Fuck you, man. Fuck you, man. You know what I went through, man? Joe's doing safaris and stand up for animals. I think winning the lottery is bad for you. I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money, maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me. Let me say that. I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me. Because I'm the type of dude who needs a thing to be working on. I want to improve at stuff. I drive towards things. I'm trying to figure things out all the time. That's a great point. I'm all of a sudden not doing that. Your drive is gone if you win the lottery, I think.

27:02Especially at a young age. Because if you're like, so let's go back to like when I was like 22. I was 22. I was working jobs while I was doing stand-up at night. I was working for a private investigator. Maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour. Wait. Like maybe. Did you really do that? Yeah, I drove around a private investigator. Holy shit. Yeah, he was a good friend for years. Like he died recently. His name is Dave Dolan. He's the best. I kept one of my old phones just because he left me a message. He used to call himself Diedmite Dickless Dave Dolan. He was a hilarious guy. The funniest guy that I've ever met that wasn't a comedian.

27:39He was so funny. I love that. He was so funny. And the crazy thing is what happened was he lost his license from drunk driving. And he put in an ad for a private investigator's assistant. But really what it was is someone to drive him because he couldn't drive. Yeah, because he was you know lost his license. Yeah, I forget how long like three months or something like that so I I sign up for the job. I meet him, you know This is back when I was still competing. I was still fighting so he liked that I could like fuck people up and something went sideways Yeah, and so then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud It was mostly like catching people like doing things like Pretending their back was hurt then you catch them carrying roof shingles up a ladder.

28:23It was a lot of that People, they get hurt, like working for an airline. This one lady, oh, this was so sad. She let us into her house. I felt so bad. It was a scam. And the scam was Dave would show up and say, ma 'am, my girlfriend was in an accident. And when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled coffee on the report. And it's confusing which letters are the last letters. And one of them is yours. We got these two. They weren't right. We're hoping it's you. And they were like, what's wrong with your girlfriend? And he goes, well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that this lady had, that she was supposedly getting, that she was disabled from.

29:07And so she's like, oh, my God, I had the same thing. And he goes, I hope you're getting paid. And she goes, oh, yeah, not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden name. He's like, oh, that's great. And she goes, would you like to come in the house and have some coffee? She's the nicest lady. She had us in her house. We were two strangers. Oh, God. Some fucking thick-looking Irish dude with a mustache that's Dave and me. Like this 21-year-old kid with a fucking crew cut. And you're just letting us into your house. Fuck. Giving us coffee. I'm like, she's so nice, man.

29:40We can't do that. We got to pretend this didn't happen. He's like, fuck her. She goes. She goes. Fucking thief. That lady's a fucking thief. Fuck her. I was like, oh, my God. You got to be ice cold on that. I can't do this. I only did it for a few months but that's all he needed me for really but we became friends what a life dude yeah he was an interesting cat man he was a fun one of the guys there was a guy who thought his girlfriend was cheating on him or wife I forget and so that feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for right yes sure but mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff because they had the most amount of cases it was all about fine it's just a numbers thing Yeah.

30:20So this one was, I think my girl's cheating on me. So he hires Dave. His wife was hooking up with this fucking barbarian, this dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude, and he was just pounding her. And Dave had to take pictures, and then he brought the pictures. Of them fucking? Brought the pictures to the guy, and then the guy was like, well, keep following her. He's like, fuck you. He's like, I don't know what kind of kink you're into. Like, is this like a, are you doing? This should be enough. No, it was almost like he was into it. It was almost like they were playing a game, like a cuck game.

31:01Oh, wow. It was, you know what I mean? Maybe I'm cheating on you. Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures. The guy just like, the girl was, the lady was very hot. And he was very not hot. And then there was this bodybuilder guy. Fuck. Dude, it is funny you say that. my brain immediately went to if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the worst version. Just a huge guy. Because if it's Shaq, you go, if we do get back together, there's no way. Well, you're not, by the way. But if you do, you can't go back in there. Right. It's over. I mean, I see Shaq now with like, when there's pictures of him next to his girls, he's dated.

31:36I'm like, that should be illegal. But I guess, I don't know. He's gentle. How do you do that? I don't know. You gotta ask him. Have you had Jack on? No, I'd love to have him on. I love that dude. He did Fear Factor with me. No way. Yeah, he co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode. That would be an unbelievable conversation. Yeah, it was like me and him hanging out. I had a joke. It was like a six-year-old hanging out with his dad. Like the size of a... I had a joke about a lady guarding the White House, because it was during the Obama administration. A guy broke into the White House, and they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door.

32:13And I had this whole joke about like not everybody can guard the White House. And like, listen, I've met Kilo O 'Neal. His dick is where my face is. I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. Oh, my God. He's just going to run over me. He's too big. Yeah. You know, but that guy, when you're hanging out with him, you're like, okay, giants are real. Like, there's real giants in this world. Like, look at this. Oh, you did at uni too. That's awesome. Oh, yeah, it was fun. But he's a fan of the show. He was real cool. That's awesome. Yeah, I see him at the UFC all the time, too.

32:45Imagine that guy got into MMA. Because he's a martial artist. He practices martial arts. That's right. There's some good video of him working out, like, kicking pads and punching mitts and shit. He's got technique. Is it cool, from your perspective, when people like that jump into that art form? Are you just like... I love it. No, I love it. I want everybody to do it. It's good for your brain. Don't do it because you want to be Billy Badass, but do it because it's like the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person. It sounds crazy. I know. Oh, that makes sense. But like hitting something, like a bag, you don't have to hit a person.

33:16Hit a heavy bag. Just boom, boom, boom, boom. You get all that shit out of your system. Wow. Look at him next to Francis Ngannou. That's former UFC heavyweight champion Francis Ngannou, who is a giant man, standing next to Shaq, and Shaq towers over him. I mean, it's honestly— He's too big for the UFC. If Shaq— Yeah. If the UFC was around when Shaq— No, no, no. He literally is physically too big. Oh. Like, the UFC has a 265-pound weight limit for the heavyweight division. which is kind of crazy. Heavyweight should be as big as you get. It should be like, I think it should be like 225 and up. That's what I think.

33:51I think there's not enough weight classes, but that's a separate conversation. But Shaq is way bigger than 265. Yeah, 350 maybe. He probably would have to cut 80 pounds to make the UFC's weight limit. I think he was under 3 when he got in the league. He was real slender, which is crazy to be that big and be that fast. The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really wild. Those giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL, and then the UFC. Yeah. It's like the UFC doesn't get many guys like that. Right. Most of the super athletes when they're kids, they go into football, they go into baseball, they go into basketball.

34:26That's where the money is for a lot of them. Like way more – there's way more spots probably for football players than there are for UFC. How many professional football players are there in the NFL? I mean, there's 53 per team and there's 32 teams. Over 1 ,000 at least. Don't make me do math. I'm stupid. That's why we do this. That's just that. But there's also practice squads. There's another 12 or 15 on a practice squad. Okay, let's put it into perplexity. Find out how many overall players are employed by the NFL. And then do it for NBA, MLB, badminton, tennis, and croquet. Chinese sports. And checkers, Parcheesi.

35:09Yeah. Uno tournaments. Pyramid billiards. The number for the NFL could get way bigger because there's guys that are half retired and only play like three games a year. Okay. So if you had to guess. 53 times, what, there's 30? Jamie knows a lot about stats. There'd be probably 22 ,000. 22 ,000. Okay. No, no, no, no. Not 20. I was going to say 2 ,500 or 2 ,000. Yeah. 2 ,000 is probably a fair number. And that's just NFL, correct? And then you have XFL. How many people are employed by the XFL? Great question. And baseball is a 53-man roster for baseball? No, baseball is way less, like 25. So for UFC, just the UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under contract.

35:50Mick Maynard texted me about that recently. 1 ,700 players on active rosters and then another 400 who can move around. Okay. So that's NFL. That's just NFL. What a crap shoot. So it's essentially 2 ,000-ish. About 550 in the NBA. Okay. And the draft each year is probably another, you had another 30 to 40. Also, you have to take into account that a lot of kids, you play football in school, right? So if you're going to play football, you play football in high school, play football in college. Getting it going early. Yeah. But it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do. Like everybody in the neighborhood plays.

36:26If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays. You play in middle school, you play in high school. MMA, you got to go to the gym. You got to learn. You gotta get kicked in the nuts. It's a solo sport. You're gonna get kicked in the nuts more than once. You're gonna get punched in the face. Your nose is gonna be bloody. You're gonna have a headache. You're gonna have sore joints because people are trying to break your arms. And then you're showing up at school every day going, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? So it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide, I'm gonna let someone kick my shins out from under me.

37:00I don't know what kid would do that. It's gotta be a kid that only wants that. Yeah. that watches the UFC and goes, that is me. Like Tiger Woods was golfing, what, at like two or three, right? Right. So not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the young? But you would because a lot of people who have sons and daughters that are really into it, they start training them. A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age. I remember having like, you know, WrestleMania-type stuffed animals and wrestling with them at like 5, 6, 7, but it didn't obviously turn into a passion.

37:36But like that at least it was like at that age of like roughhousing and throwing shit around and like trying to beat somebody up. But I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like, yeah, you got to be made of steel. I think generally to the parents encourage you to do it early and you do like traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it and then you start watching the UFC as you get older and then maybe you start doing some other stuff. Like maybe you start out in jujitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay Thai. And then as you're like 13, 14, you probably start thinking, I think I want to fight.

38:07Yeah. That's what happens with a lot of these guys. You're probably not taking shit at school, by the way. Like if your teacher's like, Martin, I saw you weren't paying attention. You're like, I'm bleeding out of my dick, lady. You know, you've gone through some shit where you're like, this is not my biggest concern right now. Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring. That's the real problem. When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't parse it out in your head and go, I know I have to do this boring thing. You're talking about school. Yeah, this is really important.

38:33When you're doing this exciting thing, you're kicking people's heads off. This is way more fun. I don't care about history. Did you play baseball? Played baseball, yeah. Yeah, I did. What position? I wasn't very good. I was an outfielder, but one thing I did do is I either hit home runs or I struck out. Let's go. Because I would never just try to get on base. The coach would always say, just try to get on base. I'd be like, right. I just fucking ignore it. That's cool. I hated team sports. I was not a good team player in that regard. Because, I mean, I was good in that I tried to catch balls. Yeah.

39:09And I tried to make the out. I bet you were a fun teammate, though, right? You were the jokester. But I was also like, I am going to hit the fuck out of this ball. Come on. Because I hit my first home run, I think, when I was like 12 or something like that. Wow. And I was like, oh, this is way better. I was like, this is way better than just hitting a ball. Because as you get bigger and stronger, and you get a little bit more coordinated, and you feel what it's like to really fucking connect and get your body into that. Oh, yeah. But that really translated into martial arts, too. Because learning how to hit things hard, I think it helped that I learned how to hit a baseball hard.

39:40Is there a correlation with, like, the torque and the lower half and the twisting? Yeah, 100%. Because when you're hitting a baseball, like, I was never a great baseball player. I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard. Still? I wasn't a good baseball player. Hand-eye coordination. But there was a thing about this, about this timing. Yeah. This crack like that that translated directly into kicking things. Like directly. So I think learning that at an early age, I was like, oh, it's a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body. Yeah. And that's the exact same thing with kicking. My buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh.

40:16His nickname is the Big Dumper. and he just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes. But he had, and it was a big dispute, big debate, because he's a switch hitting catcher. He's a catcher. He hit 60 home runs this year, the most by any catcher ever, the most by any switch hitting catcher, switch hitting player. He just broke so many records. Aaron Judge ultimately won the MVP because statistically he was outrageous in so many categories. But it was a big debate. I'm biased. Cal's the man. but also a catcher is handling so much more during the game. Aaron Judge played the outfield, and then Aaron Judge looks like if Four Loko grew into a person.

40:57Kyle Raleigh is like, you want to have a Bud Light with? He's a fucking everyman. He won the Home Run Derby. His dad, who was his high school baseball coach, was throwing pitches to him during the— It was a better story for baseball, but I actually want to get your opinion on this. If you are going—because I think the writers were just like, stats, like, Kyle batted like.246. Judge was like 380-something, I think, to end the year. But again, Cal broke all these records for a catcher and made baseball cool and gave a position a lot more love. And he's calling the whole game. He has to know the whole pitching staff.

41:30He comes in early. He's catching the game, which is why it's unheard of for a catcher to be that offensively powerful. But he ultimately lost, and a lot of people were bummed out about it. And I guess my question to you is, if you were one of those, like if you're assessing stuff like that do you take into account like you know what someone's impact for the game is or would you just go like no no who had the best stats and that's the mvp yeah it's a good conversation yeah it's a good conversation do you follow baseball enough to fuck with that i don't all right let's move on but objectively i would say go with the best stats the guy who's played the best i guess the most valuable player but a switch it and catch it's a very valuable thing it's just not the most valuable yeah you know what they gave a lot of credit to is like judges in New York on the Yankees and they get so much press and so much love and Seattle's up here in the corner right furthest away like right everyone's just like isn't that the fucking coffee sound garden place and it's like there's a catcher up there I mean yeah I don't know I that stuff I think does matter the the national attention but um I don't know there was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial artist and had a wicked right hand this japanese guy takanori gomi and uh great name oh my god this dude he was a martial arts and oh and play baseball yeah he was a pitcher and like that's how he started off and he just had a whip to his right hand yeah dude and you think about like how fast a pitcher moves his body and i'm sure you've seen that one where what's the dude's name that killed the bird oh randy johnson bro that's a former mariner that clip is amazing it's unbelievable it's insane i It's a once in a billion.

43:10It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing. Once in a trillion. Joe, the timing of that. First of all, birds fly through stadiums every now and then. And also, you have the fastest throwing pitcher, arguably, in the history of the game. Right. At his peak. At his peak. Throwing, I think, 100. Throwing heat. Can you imagine that bird? And he hits that bird dead square. Do you think that bird, I mean, I don't know. Do they have thoughts? Tiny little fucking stupid brain looking for seeds. Looking for seeds. Fuck that bird. Fuck that bird. Fuck that bird. That bird existed for that moment.

43:40It did. The universe wanted us to see it. The bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly. Famously, Johnson was sued by PETA for the obvious freak accident. Sued? That's insane. Not safe. And look at this. Johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer. Ah, Randy, you gotta let it go. His nickname was the big unit when he was in Seattle. Yeah, no, I remember that guy. Dude, that's wild. And then there's the famous, if we're talking bird accidents, Fabio on the roller coaster. Remember that? No, what happened with Fabio on the roller coaster? Hit by a bird? Oh, man. This is unbelievable.

44:11He's opening a roller coaster at some theme park. I want to say Great America. And he's on the beginning, and he's like, hello, Fabio here. I can't wait to ride the roller coaster. And, oh, man. And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies out of nowhere and breaks his fucking nose, dude. Yep. Boom. Feathers and all. That's crazy. So everyone's like, what happened? Yeah, and then he goes on ABC to talk about it. A goose. It was a goose. He's like, I can't believe it's not butter, but I can believe that bird had a vengeance against my face. He was the butter guy. Remember? Oh, that's right. He was the romance novel guy, too, right?

44:50Yeah, dude. What a life. Isn't that wild? Chicks like reading their porn. You know that? Great premise. It's true. It is. It is true. Like, guys like watching porn. Before porn, that's what it was. Yeah. Well, girls have always been into erotic literature. And some of it's like, you remember the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff? Come on, man. And that was like... All of a sudden, ladies wanted to get spit on and choked. Like, what's happening? My friends would tell me these stories. Like, she told me to spit in her mouth. I was like, what? Did you do it? I know my stepdad was like, your mom wants me to push her against the drywall.

45:19I was like, what? What the fuck? This is an inside thought, George. It got real weird for a while. But then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows. But romance novels, like pornographic romance novels. That was the first way to... But they're not pornographic, like, visually. even like the way they depict sex is like a feminine way of doing it but Fifty Shades of Grey I think that was graphic what the fuck what the fuck was that all about ladies and then there was the Twilight one you want a vampire that loves you and doesn't want to eat you you want some dude who kills people sucks their blood he's been around for 1700 years you're only 16 the whole relationship is disgusting this is disgusting and you're a thousand years old.

46:05That's a weird kink. You've got a 16-year-old girlfriend. I know. What do you talk about? Also the werewolves and just having... He was alive when Cleopatra was here and he's talking to a fucking 17-year-old. This is stupid. Would you judge someone more that was into vampires or feet? Vampires, for sure. Yeah. Feet's not that weird. It's not that weird, I guess. It's kind of cute. They're cute. They look good. Yeah. You could justify feet. It makes sense, I guess. Yeah. The vampire one is nuts. Yeah. How old was the vampire in Twilight? He went down there in high school maybe right nobody wasn't that old Like I was saying he's a lot from Cleopatra though.

46:41Oh shit It was he's really probably only like supposed to be a couple hundred years old, right? Is that the case? At least a hundred Imagine a hundred year old guy pretending he's he's got a pretend and hang out in high school. That's how he fits in that's how he fits in 100 year old guy he's gonna force himself to go to high school yeah that's weird how old was he 104 104 okay he said in high school by the way hanging out looking handsome as fuck handsome as fuck dude but super pale something was up well you're in Seattle you can get away with it totally I went to I think it was opening night of Twilight when I did this movie The Heat it was after Bridesmaids Paul Feig did this movie called The Heat it was Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy it was like a big you know buddy cop and I played one of the bad guys first big movie, summer blockbuster, I'm like, I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight.

47:36And I was like, never seen myself in a trailer. So my buddy's like, we got to go to fucking, it was like, they're playing the R-rated trailer, the red trailer. So we go to Twilight on like opening night at the Arclight in Hollywood, RIP. And it's just all like, what, I don't know, 10 to 16 year old girls, the whole theater. And then just me and my buddy just baked out of our minds, like very out of place. And everything's coming on. and they're like announcing all the cast. All the girls are going nuts. But by the way, they didn't play the trailer at all. So we're sitting there and he's like, I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck out of here.

48:11I don't want to watch Twilight. He's like, well, we're here. We should watch it. I'm like, best of luck. And I bounced. So I've never seen it. Any of the Twilight movies. They're not terrible. They're not. They're not terrible, but they're odd. And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys. I think it's a weird lady fantasy. Yeah, it's for the girls. yeah which is our equivalent weird lady fantasy but it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies you know what our equivalent is what weird science the show no the movie weird science remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer oh that's right come on dude anthony michael hall i forgot about that great movie jamie who's that lady pull up the whole movie let's watch the whole movie that lady is very beautiful who was that kelly lebrock kelly lebrock british i think she was yeah she was the super hottie back in the day They made her a lab.

49:00Bro, that was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, okay, what is this dick really for? Weird science. Great. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh, not Anthony Michael Hall. Oh, wait, no, that's a remake. Yeah, Anthony Michael Hall was the first one. That's a TV show. Oh, there was a TV show. And was that Bill Paxton as the crazy brother? Yeah, dude. Who made that? John Hughes. Come on. Just had his finger on the pulse of cool. Wow. How did they make her? What was the ingredients? It was just... Great question. You sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her. So how did they make that girl, by the way?

49:38This is Wyatt and Gary. I give her a Wom Digis mammogram. Wom Digis? Oh, look. Yeah, dude.

49:50Something out of this world. Yeah, dude. Alive! Alive! What would you little maniacs like to do first? Oh my god, that's her opening question? Weird science. If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle. Flat ass. Not here. No way. She is turning their lives. Trust me for once, will you? What is going on here? I don't know. I don't know. Their minds. Taylor is crazy. She just wanted to make them cool, right? She didn't even want to fuck. No. You know they must have been like, dude, did you not put in the right code? She's here to take us to dinner. Yeah, why would you stop with that?

50:29Let's try one that doesn't talk as much. Let's try the next one. I think they just did it on their computer. It was just like a bunch of - It was so easy to do back then. Such a funny thing, too. We were just so trusting. We're like, that's probably how you do it if you were going to do it. That's how stupid it is. Just put a bunch of numbers in a computer and your door to your bedroom explodes. I know. Make the boobs bigger. That's so ridiculous. Crazy. It's funny because people probably thought, one day. Yeah. And they might be right. According to the plot, they hooked some electrodes up and they hack into a government computer system for more power.

51:01Oh, for more power. Awesome, dude. Believable plot. Table for one. Oh, as long as we have more power, we can just make a lady. But I guess when you're watching that, yeah, you're just like, yeah, that's how. What are the odds that it makes a hot lady? Like, what are the odds that that works first time ever? Two fucking high school kids figured it out. And we were like, take my money. Tell me this amazing story. Oh, yeah, dude. dude. I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that, of them like making the wrong gal or something, you know? Oh my God. Like John Goodman in a, in a wig comes out.

51:32What year was that? 85. 85. Good for us. What year was soul man? Uh, probably like 89. Soul man. I haven't seen soul man. 86. What's that? Oh, okay. Go to that. Yeah. Soul man. Thomas howell. C. Thomas howell pretends to be black. So he'd go to a different school. I forget how it happened. What the fuck? What the fuck? Wait, what? Yup. Bro, it's crazy. Julia Louis. No. It's not even good. Oh, God. What? Oh, man. Yeah, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in it. James Earl's in it. Bro. How did he sign off on this? Because people didn't know any better back then. Yeah. All right. Fair enough. They didn't. They were basically just climbing out of the caves, and they were like, what year is this?

52:26He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets a scholarship. Meant for African Americans. Tanning pills. He took tanning pills. Like, as if they had tanning pills back then. Is that pre-tanning bed? What a dude. I have a peptide now. Now, do you think somebody pitched? They have a peptide now that can actually give you a tan. What does it do? Does it, like, just jack up your melanin? Yeah, what's it called? Somebody give that shit to Rachel Dolezal. I'll see if they take her back. Oh, my God. Did somebody pitch a... Do you think somebody was like, we need a blackface movie, but what's the story?

52:55And they're like... Well, it was a comedy. He wants to be tan. He takes too many... He tans too hard. It was a... Yeah. And he can't get into scholarship any other way? That must have been... Is that part of it? I guess, right? So he got a scholarship because he was black? It says African-American studies. Yeah. Do you have to be African-American and study African-American studies? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, we're finding some holes in this. That's just as bad as weird science. This is fucking... This is more science fiction. I found a New York Times 1985 article talking about warning pills about getting an early tan.

53:27They had pills for getting a tan back then. Whoa. What did it do? I know like carrots will do that to you. It says FDA replied canthanaxin is not approved for use to be ingested to color the human body. What? In oral tanning products, the use of canthanaxin in oral tanning products is illegal. Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act and further attempts to import these tanning products. Oh, it's all imported. FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs, such as the liver. They even cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint.

54:13I didn't take the pills. I took no pills. They told me to take the pills. I said I don't need it. I took a lot of those pills. I took two of those pills. Wouldn't you love the Biden cocktail? Would they give him when he would have to do press conferences or a debate? The debate cocktail must be extraordinary. It was just Capri Sun and Plan B gummies. Bro, it must be extraordinary. What happened to this guy? Get a real tan, not a fake orange tan. Suntan pills. You can get a real tan. Oh, my God. That guy looks, yeah, he went from like white guy to. That's not real. No, they put a filter on his ass.

54:51But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines and it would just be a total scam. Oh, really? Oh, my God. You knew it was a scam just because it was in the back of the mag or what? X-ray goggles and all kinds of shit that didn't work. Like SkyMall shit? No, it was like the back of stupid magazines and stuff. They're just fake ads. There was no rules back then. Fuck. People just scam people, sell you things. It was totally horse shit. And you're like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail. Yeah. And you never got anything back. I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm like, how is this up there?

55:19Like there's certain. Amazon has a lot of fake products, unfortunately. There's a lot of fake supplements that are sold on Amazon. No way. Yeah. So if you buy from a major company like Pure Encapsulation. Why don't they filter? It's a TikTok trend again somehow, obviously. Oh, TikTok trend again. Tanning pills. They're taking it again. It's not surprising. We love our pills. America, what do we love? Our free speech and our pills. And our McDonald's. We do enjoy a pill. This is an ad for BetterHelp. With the days getting colder, shorter, and darker, it can be tough for many. And really, you never know what someone might be going through.

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57:09That's what I did. That's what this guy was. Yeah, but there's got to be like some modern people. Are those – that one's AI in the second row, right, with that girl with the crazy eyes? It's AI. So this guy took it. Maybe. Interesting. He could have also just put tanning lotion on his skin. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing, too. It's like those before and after weight loss things. It's like, was it really the product, or did you just take some time off? We were talking about last night, Brendan Schaub and I, one time, we were watching these bodybuilders. And, you know, bodybuilders used to dye all of their skin, including their face.

57:43For what? Well, the darker your skin is, the more contrast, the more it shows your muscles. Gotcha. So when they get like real shredded and they dye their skin like super dark brown. I always wondered why they were all so... But now, after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face. So they dye their whole body and they leave their face white. So they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face. It's so silly. The Neapolitan body. It's so silly. It's like, what are you doing? Who got him? Who came? What is this craziness you've done here? Who complained about that? Look at him.

58:17Look. Oh! Look how kooky that is. That's not even the kookiest. There's some really kooky ones where people have white faces. Dude, what are you doing? There's a whole video of me and Chob with a bunch of different examples of it where we thought it was really funny. Man, the discipline of the bodybuilders. But it got weird because they, yeah, look at that guy. That's ridiculous because he can't do his face like that because he looks fully black. So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all gonna come out and look on stage and just well that guy went for it He's like fuck it. Fuck it.

58:54I'm going blackface. Yeah, that's bread brine. Yeah Yeah, you can kind of go brown face, but if you want to get full chocolate body like some guys go full dark Like so dark they they could be like straight from Cameroon Can I say that's pretty dark right there? I mean guys look at those quads. That's what I want to know. And I mean no disrespect by this. What why? What makes you want to have there was a girl I went to elementary school with and she for a little bit became a bodybuilder. And I think I looked at it as she had kids I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like I want to do something where I push myself and get into shredded amazing shape.

59:39is how I viewed it from a Facebook vantage point. But is this in you as a kid? Is it like you have a thirst for working out and then you just go too far? Or is it the same way we stand up and have an addiction to that and a love for it? Is it really like, I want to compete and win at this? It's not just about looking good. It's about having the best instrument and competing against other bodies and having the best body. Well, litter is a bodybuilding competition. Right, but like why, like to have your legs look like that, what is the... Different people like different things, Adam Ray. All right.

1:00:14You know, and they clearly like being jacked. Yeah. They like looking like that. Yeah. They like being, they look like a fucking living human incredible Hulk. Yeah. They like it. Yeah. You know? And they're still, they're still just people. I mean, it's, people have always been fascinated by extreme bodies. That's why Pumping Iron was such a big film. People are fascinated by people that are willing to do this and go that far with something. Yeah. Here's the question, though. What bothers you about it? Does it bother you like it's a waste of time? Oh, no, no, no. Why would you want to do that?

1:00:45I guess why. I guess it's just so far. Here's my question. Yeah. If they had a pill and I give you this pill and all of a sudden you look like that, are you taking it or not? Well, let me. No work. It's the lottery and a pill. So let me answer that question. with when I played Vince McMahon on The Rock Show about his life for a few seasons on NBC, I got a trainer to bulk up. I got a little bigger. Not Vince big, but there was a moment where a friend of mine came to me and was like, there's an easy way and there's a not an easy way. And I was like, what's easy way? And he did suggest like some crazy shit.

1:01:22And I was like, I don't think I want to be, look like that unless the show really asked me. But I don't think I would. Would you want to look like Canelo Alvarez? Sure Yeah, sitting in a pill? Yeah You'd take that You'd take really good muscular physique Nothing crazy Nothing crazy Yeah Yeah, and no judgment Maybe I But you would take that pill, right? Sure All right I guess I'm more impressed I guess when Vince was a hundred years old I'm more impressed by the I guess the discipline of of what you must have to do because I know that it's not just like taking stuff to make your legs Look that defined and muscular like there's the be that guy at his age That's bananas because like you look at Vince McMahon's build.

1:02:07I don't give a fuck how old he is I don't care. He's 80. I don't care. He's 40 like if you're built that way you're putting in hours Period you're putting in hours. There's no way around it like steroids. Don't make you grow. They make you recover I mean they do make you grow a little. I think if you just took them and didn't do any work at all, I think they do put some muscle on you. But that kind of muscle is continual work over decades. That guy is super jacked. Yeah. That's why I'm so split on the baseball steroid stuff where it's like Barry Bonds. It's the only thing fun about the game. Give them the roids.

1:02:46Let them hit the ball. Are we fucking stupid? Do you want to compete with China or no? That's so funny. America! Do we have the means? Yes, we do. Do we know how it works? Yes, we do. But what are we doing skinny? What are we got all these skinny hitters for? That's so funny. Oh, we gotta make sure no one's cheating. Make it legal. Hit all the home runs. Make it legal. Make it mandatory. I want every baseball player to be roided out of his mind. Just giant fucking superhero looking dudes who crush it into the fucking parking lot. Crack! I want baseball bats broken, like, five out of ten games.

1:03:22Greg Geraldo had a great old joke. He goes, I want Barry Bonds to come out as one giant chest muscle. And he was saying how it's so fucked that Congress was, like, cracking down on that and taking away records. He goes, you're taking away records. He goes, you know what else? He goes, because they say it's an illicit substance. You know what else is an illicit substance? Crack okay. No one's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston. One of my favorite Geraldo jokes. That's a great joke. Come on. But he's right. That's a great joke. And you're right, I think. I mean, it is. I did a TV show with Barry Bonds.

1:03:51I did. Please, the floor is yours. There was a show that I did, a baseball show called Hardball, where I played this baseball player. And one of the episodes, it was Barry Bonds was like the guest for the day. Super nice guy. Cool. But he was normal size Barry Bonds back then. Still ripping it, by the way. Oh, yeah. Still like one of the best baseball players of all time. And super nice guy. Yeah. Real friendly to everybody. And it was just like, holy shit, that's Barry Bonds. Like, this show must be for real. It wasn't for real. It got canceled. Fuck. The show died. But we did get Barry Bonds.

1:04:21That's awesome. But it was interesting because I got to see him as normal-sized Barry Bonds. Yeah. And then he got— There was a difference. Fucking jacked. Dude, it's like— Bro, he got fucking jacked. But you still have the hand-eye coordination. You still have to hit the ball. Oh, 100%. It's not making your eyes clear, right? It's not like— It's definitely making your body perform better and, on top of that, recover quicker. So you can do more work. So that's a big factor. That's the main reason people do it. It's the recovery. Oh, yeah. Well, not just the big – not just recovery, but your ability to work.

1:04:52Like especially guys who take EPO. Like that was with the Lance Armstrong stuff and the cyclists. What they're doing is so difficult for your body to compete in like Tour de France. Notice how I said France? Like I'm sophisticated? Yeah, it's really good. Tour de France. I felt so pretentious. You got to do that. You really did. I felt pretentious after I said France. You wear it well. It's been argued, I think successfully, that it's healthier to do that event on drugs. It's healthier to be taking steroids and EPO for your body because you're asking so much of your body. It's so taxing and so fucking absolutely brutal that it's like you probably should take something.

1:05:36But the problem was you weren't supposed to, and everybody was. And they were like blood doping and doing all kinds of crazy. Did you ever see the documentary Icarus? No. Oh, my God, dude. Put it in the queue. Want to talk about a documentary that you have to watch? Yeah. Award-winning, won a bunch of awards. It's fucking incredible. And it's the most, like, the circumstances just laid out so perfectly. Like, it was meant to be. So this guy, he does this documentary. And Brian Fogle, right? Brian Fogle, great guy, was a guest on the podcast a couple times. did this documentary where he's a cyclist and he wanted to cycle this race, compete in this race natural, and then hire someone to show him exactly how to cheat and take everything that like a cheater would take and just take all the steroids and all the EPO and all that stuff and then do the same race and see what the score is, see the differences.

1:06:33So he hires this guy who's the head of the Russian anti-doping organization. Well while he is hiring this guy while the guy is prescribing him steroids and telling him what to take that guy gets in trouble because it turns out they had They had doped the entire Sochi Olympics the entire Russian team. There was a huge scandal They had drilled a hole in the wall and they were passing the dirty piss through and they were getting a new bottle of clean piss And they found it through microscopic scratches in these supposedly unopenable jars. These jars are supposedly impossible to open. And so once they sealed them off, they felt like these will be sealed until we open it.

1:07:19Well, then the Russians figured out a way to open the jars and then they would swap out the piss and put in the good piss. Oh, my crazy. So now this guy lays out exactly how he did it in the documentary. He lays out the whole program. Cool. And then he's on the run. So now he's in America, and he's in, like, witness protection program. Like, they want to kill him. Currently? Yes, currently. He's in hiding right now. And the documentary is wild. You should get Danny the Dick. What's his name? Danny the Private Investigator. Danny Dick. What's his name? Dave Dolan. Dickless. Dave Dolan. He's dead now, unfortunately.

1:07:55Fuck. Yeah. I thought you said that. I'm sorry. That's okay. So after this, the Russians got banned. I think it was the Rio Olympics was next after that. And they couldn't compete. They couldn't compete as Russians. They had to compete as they had to be independent. Damn. They couldn't represent Russia if they wanted to compete in the Olympics. To go to that extent to pull that off is just— He said they doped up everybody except the figure skaters. He said the figure skaters, it didn't seem to give them any improvement because it was all just really fine motor skills. So they were probably doing it for a while to see how it, to do trial and error.

1:08:31They tried everything on everybody. This is what happens when you have a military-run country that puts so much pride in the accomplishments of its athletes. Sure. It's very important that its athletes show dominance. And Russia shows dominance in Olympics in the most manly of events. Their wrestling is as good as any country on earth. It may be better. There was a Russian figure skater doping situation in 2022. She was 15. She tested positive for the banned heart medication, Trematazidine. You're on that, right? A sample collected from the Russian National Championships December 2021. The result only reported because of Beijing Olympics in February 2022 after she had already competed.

1:09:19Did she have a heart problem? I mean, is that like a medication that she's supposed to take? I mean, I had the court of arbitration, banned it for four years. Wow. Interesting. So, well, okay, but let's put in what is that heart medication? Due to a contamination of a strawberry dessert prepared on the same table as her grandfather's heart medication pills was the explanation. And she said it was ultimately rejected as implausible. Let's find out what the positive effects of taking that drug would be. Put in that drug and then put in performance enhancing. What do you think? I mean. You think it's got a performance enhancing, a heart medication?

1:10:06I think so. What does perplexity say? Metabolic modulator. Yeah, increases blood flow to the heart. Stimulates. Yeah. It enhances physical efficiency and endurance by improving how the body uses energy, particularly by shifting energy substrate used from fatty acids to glucose oxidation. It increases blood flow to the heart and stimulates glucose metabolism, resulting in better endurance performance. Its effects are different from typical muscle building or stimulant-like performance enhancers. Rather, it may improve exercise capacity, stamina, and reduce fatigue by optimizing mitochondrial function and cardiac energetics.

1:10:42I want to get on it right now. I was just going to say this sounds incredible. When Derek More Plates, More Dates comes on, bring that up. make a little bookmark. Comedians will never, I mean, there's no doping for us, right? No, except weed. Weed is definitely a superpower. But that's not like making you, yeah. It's a superpower. Weed's a superpower. It's a superpower for self-deprecation, too. You know, the one thing that, like we were talking about the green room, the guy who can't take a joke about himself, he's never high. No. If you're high and someone makes you funny, you're like, oh no, you're right.

1:11:14Will you have a little, Eddie, or a little puff before you go on stage or you try to keep it clear? Allegedly. Nice and slow. I like this guy. That's how we do it. I like this guy. 30 years. You're going to have to be Johnny Depp's agent when I go and kill Tony and come out briefly. Oh, this is the question I forgot to ask about the 30 years thing. What if you just take it all at once? What percentage do you get? I did find out you do get it all if you take it over 30 years. And you get a 5 % increase every year for inflation. Yeah, but you get it all if you live 30 years. Like my point was If I win the fucking lottery And I'm 24 years old I ain't making it 30 years It goes to your estate if you don't Fuck my estate I'm just saying I'm trying to ball out here What are you talking about?

1:11:55I'm trying to ball, Jamie I'm trying to get a rose A jet, yeah I want diamonds in my T-fist Would you go Well, you would, huh? Full grill? Yeah I'm surprised you haven't at this point Maybe one day Maybe when it all starts falling apart I'll start doing heroin Get a grill I want to try crack Hunter Biden was talking about it It's like it sounds wonderful It's not giving me an exact number At the very least you gotta take out the 37 % for federal taxes 37 % The government takes 37 % That's wild dude You didn't buy one ticket you cunts And it's your money That sucks You buy the tickets and they're like Yeah we got all the money from it but then we want more of your money too We want money money money money Money, money, money, money, money, money, money.

1:12:43And then what happens after that? It says that depends on, then state taxes depends on where you live. Okay, so 37%, but if you get one payout all at once, is it the$2 billion? No. I mean, you'd get like one point, whatever the fuck it is. It's also lower. But it's not just the 37 % taxes that get drawn out. If you take it in one payment, you get less. It's giving me, on a$593 million jackpot for some reason, the pre-tax lump sum cash option is approximately$277.6. Out of$500? Yikes. Out of almost$600. So you get less than half. Yeah. But you get it right now. You're getting it tomorrow. I think that's what I'd do.

1:13:24Yeah, I'm stupid. I would do that. Take it all. Give me it all right now. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow. Totally. Especially after I get this kazash. Dude, I would, oh man, I'd probably go to like, I'd go to Shaq, I'd be like, you want to make Kazam 2? I'd buy a house near my folks. I'd go to Elon and go, how much for a rocket? Whoa. How much? Where would you? You want your own? He's like, are you serious? Bro, if I got to Jeff Bezos money, for sure I'm buying a rocket. And where are you going with it? Wherever. Rancho Cucamonga? Wherever. They're barely reusable. They will be by then.

1:14:04If I get that old and that rich, I'm buying rockets. What happened to the subway system that was supposed to go like L.A. to San Fran in like a minute? What was that? What? No, come on. I feel like you even talked about it. Oh, was that the boring company? No. The boring thing was like traffic. It was going to be some sort of fast. Oh, the high-speed rail. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that was really just a money scam. Fuck. They didn't do anything. Almost like helicopter Uber was like, I think, lasted for two days. How much did they spend on the high-speed rail project? Let's find that out. Let's take a guess.

1:14:36I would not have got on that. I don't think that they've spent it all, but there is$4 billion in federal funding. Wow. It has implications. What a great idea. And how much have they built? Oh, none. They're like tired of it. What other company? What other company? Imagine if you you hired general dynamics, whatever and said a how much for you guys to make me train and make it go really fast Yeah, and they said well, I think we could do it for about four billion like okay Let's do it. Thanks for the budget You give them the money and then you know you go back ten years later. You're busy Like hey, how's the train doing how far you guys get not great not great.

1:15:16We didn't get anywhere Yeah, we didn't get anywhere. We don't have any more money, but I thought you were told you What happened? Well, there's a lot of NGOs that are attached to this. We also bought a lot of Powerball tickets. And we had an indigenous land, which is a land acknowledgement. They have a smaller version in Florida, and there are people dying all the time. Whoa. Because people think that they can beat it, and they can't. What? Wait. Because they think in Florida there's tons of trains going all the time. It's a normal train, and you think you can get across faster. Oh, so it's a lot faster than a normal train?

1:15:44What kind of train is this? It goes 125 miles an hour? Yeah. Regular trains like what? 80? Oh, so how many people? 180 deaths making America's most dangerous passenger train. Just because people try to run across the tracks? Bro, that's so crazy. And now you put up stats like that and you got some psycho kids that are like, look at all the people that have died. Now we gotta go test the limits. Can you show me what it looks like when it goes by? Is there a video of it going by? It's the Randy Johnson of trains. I wanna see drive-by. Yeah, there's gotta be a video. I wanna see what that's like.

1:16:16There was one that I just saw from, I think it was Japan, that's bananas. Can you imagine getting hit by a train? Oh, dude. That might be really... It would be instantaneous. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't feel anything. Let's see how fast it goes. Whoa! That's pretty quick. Yeah. That's scary. That's quick. See that again. Yeah. Oh, man. But the one in, I think it was Japan. I think Japan has some new crazy high-speed one that's like three times faster than that why They want to get somewhere quick. Yeah, no time to waste motherfucker. I know time is money. Gotta get going. I know dude That's really what it is.

1:17:00Yeah, they're making jets now that are gonna be supersonic again, you know after the cut Watch this watch this motherfucker Yeah, wait, that's not a holy shit Holy shit. No, that's not AI. This is Japan's new train. It says it's 310 miles an hour. Bro. Watch this again. I don't... Watch this again. This is so crazy.

1:17:29Yeah, that didn't look... That looked faster than the 180, but that... So that's probably saving how much time, do you think? If you're going... So LA to San Fran is like... Time is money, motherfucker. Time is money. They're so ahead of things. If everybody's safe, let's go 35 miles an hour. And then you know what you have to worry about? Train robbers. They hop on board because it's so slow they can grab it. Oh, wow. Is that what the speed increase is for? Like when they're going uphill? Are people still - That's when the train robbers would jump on board. Oh, yeah. They'd wait. They'd wait until you're about to go uphill.

1:17:57What a cool life, dude. In my next life, I'm going to be a train robber. Bro, don't do that. I don't know what it's going to do. Tokyo to Osaka in under an hour. Whoa, how far is that? I'll have to look that up. Don't give me kilometers. It's all in kilometers. Don't you do it. that you dare give me kilometers. Why didn't they teach us that in school? Kilometers? Yeah, they could have. We could all be using that. We could have abandoned this nonsense that makes us confused as to how the rest of the world measures things. 375? Whoa! Jesus Christ. 375 miles an hour is crazy. So it's... They've been fucking with this for a while and we just aren't doing it because...

1:18:35They blew the money! But that was the only operation Potentially to get it going Some discussions have been talked about to get it going Before either, which won't happen The World Cup or the Olympics In 2026 All we need is an additional 4 billion and we should be on schedule They're like privatizing Of course we are I love America It's just so filled with Crazy bullshit It's so goddamn goofy There's a lot of fun stuff to talk about right now Do you find as a Comic, the crazier shit is, the more fun it is on stage, or no? For sure. This is faster than either flying between the two cities or taking the one-and-a-half-hour trip to the current Taikaido line available with the Japanese rail pass.

1:19:21The proposed route will include stops stations at Shingawa, Sagamihara, Kofu, Lida, and Nakasugawa. Sorry. We'll go with that. originally planned only extend as far as shingawa station the creation of the short underground route to central tokyo so how fast is it i mean where how far is it going does it say 40 minutes to an hour and a half doesn't say the distance okay 177 miles 80 of the 177 miles will be located underground oh jesus christ 55 billion dollars scary oh jesus christ 55 jim going 375 miles an hour underground. It's a thousand people at a time, though. Oh, boy. That's like 10 planes.

1:20:07You're making me nauseous. Yeah, even the New York subway sometimes goes too fast. You see that video of the woman falling asleep? God bless her, dude. I think it was in San Francisco, right? What? A woman fell asleep at the wheel in the subway. Nobody died, but she definitely went off the track for a minute. Oh, shit. Everybody fell over. Oh, shit. I didn't see that. And then everybody was freaking out, and she opened the door and goes, Hey, chill out. We're fine. But like she very, I mean, maybe she didn't remember that she's on camera. So like they got her just passing out. I mean, I'm surprised that doesn't happen more, honestly.

1:20:39Those are crazy hours they're working. I didn't know there was a person running that still. Why don't they use AI? Psych, we got you. You're on my new hidden camera show. We got you there. We got you there. That's how it works. No, there is a, yeah. AI for the subway? That's how AI takes over everything. You have these kind of conversations. Why don't they just use AI for that? And AI's like, you're right. You should use us. We could make it so efficient that it's 99.9 % safe as opposed to the current level of 98 % safe. That was really good. We could approximately save 5 million lives over the course of the next 20 years.

1:21:14Is that what AI... This lady just fell asleep? Yeah. Oh, so she's on like a real... Yeah, it's like outside in San Francisco. Oh. It's going 50 miles an hour. It is surprising that with the Waymo... She just fell asleep? Yeah. Oh, my God. Just derailed. Didn't crash. Oh, my God. That's so nuts. I just thought it was funny that she was like, chill out. We're fine. Look at her. Eight in the morning, maybe? Wow. Boom. Look at that. Can you imagine? Oh. Whoa. That's nuts. People went down. That is nuts. Hands in her pockets.

1:21:54Yeah, you got to be 10 and 2, I think. She's got great lashes, though. Yeah. Great eyelashes. Yeah, man, that's crazy. They should have a computer running that thing. Have you done the Waymo yet? No. Yeah. Okay, thank you. Are we aligned on this? I'm not going to be a traitor to the human race. That's your logic. This is the first shot across the bow in the robot war. Yeah. Except the fact that robots are going to drive you everywhere. I don't want that. Meanwhile, I drove my Tesla here today. It's fine. It's different. It's basically the same thing. It's pretending I'm in control. Is it awesome?

1:22:24Oh, you're doing a great job steering, Joe. Is it awesome? Oh, it's incredible. It drives itself. Fuck. If I wanted to. I don't ever do it, but if I wanted to, I could put an address, go boop, boop, and it just goes there. Stops at every stop sign, stops at every stop light, changes lanes when there's an obstruction. So you don't have the trust built enough to allow it to take you. I don't like it. I like to drive. Yeah, me too. I want to drive. Yeah. It's fun. I like driving. And I like being aware of stuff and paying attention. I don't want to just drift off and just let the computer do the work, but that's coming.

1:22:54It's coming. Are you a road trip guy? No. I don't have time for road trips. You don't, yeah. But I'm sorry I asked you that question. Are you a road trip guy? As soon as that came out of my mouth. I couldn't see you in a Winnebago. Winnebago with the kids in the back. All right. Travel across the country. That's me, yeah. Yeah, I mean, the amount of gigs early on that I drove, the amount of times I went from L.A. to San Diego or L.A. to Santa Barbara, L.A. to San Fran or SAC for eight, ten minutes. I remember Tripoli had some room in Santa Barbara. I would drive eight minutes, then come back, then host a Fear Factor live show at Universal the next morning at 9 a.m.

1:23:25just for, and I'd drive Sam out there or whoever it was just to get time. But I always liked it. Wow. But as far as like a cross-country road trip, I don't know. That's not a road trip, though. That's just road work. Yeah, but five, six hours felt like a road trip. Well, it's a lot of driving. That's for damn sure. Oh, okay. I guess, but road trip, a classic road trip you're talking like. Yeah, like not even for work, just like a road trip. Just go on a trip, see the country, pull into places. Yeah, I'd like to do it. Do you take time off? I will next week. For real? Yeah. I'll just go home to Seattle.

1:24:01You're not convincing. I know. Well, just because I have, I mean, it's like we have the Last Phil show coming up. I'm on the road with club dates for the rest of the year. And then I start my theater tour, first theater tour, January through April of next year. So that's on sale right now, adamraycomedy.com. Bam. But I don't know. So many shows and then Last Phil and then writing a bunch. I don't know. To me, there's not enough time in the day, but going home to Seattle for Thanksgiving will be the shutdown because I remember my nieces and nephews. I want to have, you know, a lot of time to kick with my mom.

1:24:34Did you start stand-up up there? I did one open mic before I moved to L.A. just to feel like I did it. And then when I went to SC, 01 to 05, started in 07 is when I, like, jumped in. I did a few frat parties during college, only going off the confidence that I did it once in Seattle. for whatever reason you know you need the delusion to start even trying to do stand-up right so for whatever reason i was able to ride the uh experience of once in seattle and go up at a frat party and just bomb i mean i gotta find that footage i got a few laughs when i made fun of bike cops and then i did a little crowd work because the girl started booing i was for it was before a band and the band was an hour late and then i had the balls to do all 30 minutes that i practiced i should have done five and gotten off because the band was ready but i was like i practiced 30 i'm doing 30 can you imagine and then this girl started yelling shit out and i i yelled shit back and got some laughs and that's all i remember about it my buddies i remember just got off and they were like like man that was how long were you up there never a good sign nothing about what you did but But really started in 07 at the store and everywhere.

1:25:47You do need that delusion in the beginning. A thousand percent. Yeah. You need to be slightly delusional because the dream is so ridiculous. It's so – there can't be any part of you that's like, do people really want to hear what I have to say? Or am I really funny? I mean, it's just like – and I had done plays, so I felt comfy on stage. but that's what's so funny when you know there's a kid that I'm not mentoring but just giving advice to every time he asks and he's unfortunately looking for you know I think with just clips and everything now he's just like he's looking for shortcuts and I'm like I don't want to tell him not to do it but I'm like man you're just like you're not focused on kind of what I was telling you which is control you can control which is getting on stage all the time writing all the time living a life worth writing about is what I tell this kid a lot because I'm like if you find yourself he's a little too isolated and i'm like you need to get your job back so you're just accumulating life experience having things to to pull from but uh yeah i can't imagine starting now well it's gotta be because you're so focused on like i gotta get that clip uh-huh now it's gotta it's a different sort of environment right the clip environment like that's how guys are promoting their work now it's like when it's a blessing and a curse it's definitely a blessing The only curse would be, because it doesn't preclude you from still doing a lot of open mics.

1:27:09It doesn't preclude you from working and opening for people. But it can give you an undue amount of success. If you have a really good crowd work video and then a bunch of people come out to see you, but you really only have 10 minutes. Yeah. Which happens to some folks. Yeah. Because it's tricky and you don't necessarily want people watching you the first year or the first two years. Fuck no. Even maybe in the first three. Oh, my mom came out to see me too soon. It was bad. I did a joke. Let me see if I can remember it. I said something about I was raised, oh, that's so stupid. Just a classic misdirect.

1:27:44I go like, I was raised by a single mom. I grew up with just my mom and my sister. So I was like sensitive and blah, blah, blah, and making a joke about maybe being gay because I was raised by two women. So I go. So my mom taught me to like be kind and nice and take a guy out to dinner before you lick his asshole. and would get about this response. And then I would go, just kidding. I wouldn't take him to dinner. Bro, that was maybe my third time on stage. And my mom came to that show. It's my sweet mom, little Jew from Oklahoma. I remember after the show, she just goes, did you have fun? But the delusion to think like, I don't care if mom's here.

1:28:22I'm doing the joke I wrote. I mean, if you can call that a joke. Well, yeah. Well, it's also a part of being young, too. And you're young, especially dudes. We're just stupid. We are. Yeah. And you'd think you could do anything, dumbass. Yeah. But eventually you can. You know? That's the thing. It's like you're going to have to suck at the beginning. With everything you do. You know? If you picked up ping pong tomorrow, you're going to fucking suck. I thought about that. Ping pong? I thought about trying to. I love ping pong. Do you? Oh, I love it. Really? Oh, I fucking love it, dude. It's so...

1:28:54It's probably how... I don't know how pool is for you, but it's relaxing, even though I know it's a little... Energetic. And I shoot the shit a lot with whoever I'm playing with. It's a real mindless almost. Because I don't play video games really anymore. What happened? Why'd you stop? Moved out of my apartment. Left the table there. I have space now. I have a house. I should fucking definitely buy one. It'll suck you back into that dark hole. That dark pong hole. That dark hole of video games. Video games are too good right now. Oh, give me. No thanks, dude. They're too good. I played Halo over last holidays with my brother, and I was really high.

1:29:35He was not. And I started to, like, I just had panic attacks. It was too real. My heart was palpitating. I was just like, and he got in my head. He was like, dude, I can't believe you let our guy die. Hello, friends. Guess who? That's right. It is I, the replacer. Once again, I've been called on so you can play the new Call of Duty Black of Seven. With three expansive modes, 18 multiplayer maps, and the tastiest zombie gameplay you've ever freaking seen. Call of Duty Black Ops 7. Available now. Rated M for Mature. And I was like, he's got a family. I was like, it was too much. Yeah, maybe it's not for you.

1:30:23No. Jamie, what was that? Did I send you that thing with those goggles that you could use on Steam? Yeah. Dude, your brain is awesome. I'm just a new headset that you're making. I'm so glad we're going back to this. Because when you brought up the goggles earlier, I was like, fuck, we got off that. But I'm really curious about that, so thanks for getting us back there. This Steam goggles is some new thing that I saw that there's like a component that goes on the outside, and there's a battery pack, and it can either directly sync up to your computer, or it works as a standalone. and It's showing you like AR all the video games that are on Steam It seems fucking nuts right Right, but there's a new one that's supposed to be even better.

1:31:04That's that's the one that I say I sent you that video right? Yeah, but I'm just saying like this it's not I don't want to shit on it too bad But it's dude, please do it's not because I want it. Yeah, it's not unfortunately like you can do this now Okay. But my point is, this is supposed to be really good, the new one. I know. And you could play games. Yep. Like, what games are on Steam? Does Steam have Quake? That's a misunderstanding. I think you're misunderstanding that a little bit. You can't play any game that's on Steam? That's not what that meant, I guess. So VR games are available through Steam, and you generally have to connect a wire or something.

1:31:38Remember that giant setup we used to have back in the day? We were playing one of those games all through Steam. Okay. And we had it set up through a wire? Yeah, and so like on an Oculus headset, which is what this is sort of comparing itself to, you have to download those games directly to that or have it connected to your phone. Right. And without an extra wire or another device, you couldn't easily play Steam games before recently, but you kind of can now. And so they've updated the device to be like, okay, we'll do that too now. We can just put all that tech in a... This is my question, the obvious one.

1:32:09How long before you can play VR Quake? They'd have to develop that, and I don't think that they want to. On a multidirectional treadmill. Which we are quick. It's too fast. You'd get sick. You would throw up. You'd get sick. Yeah, you'd get sick. We're fine. Yeah, you'd get sick, bitch. There's no good movement. I'd be fine. There's no good movement. I'd feel great. I'm just saying. I'd do it fasted. Yeah. I could put the roller coaster thing on free right now. You'd probably get real queasy. No, it's a hard pass. It's not good. No, I'm sure. I'm kidding. But I want to try. I just feel like if they really did VR Quake and you're on one of those – you ever see those – they strap you in at the waist, these treadmills?

1:32:51No. And it's like a circle and you can run in any direction? No. Yeah. It's like a contained circle. Cool. What are they called? Multidirectional treadmills? Is that what they're called? Omni. Omnidirectional treadmills. So it's like – it's kind of like you're attached with like cables and you just run on this treadmill and, you know, you're running and shooting at things and like you're probably getting some legitimate exercise. 1 ,000 % you are. Especially if you're doing some game where you've got to run from zombies. You're fucking gunning them down, and you're running and gunning down zombies.

1:33:20Probably amazing. Disney developed something that's not available yet. They call it the holotile, which is an updated version of that, which doesn't have to be on a treadmill. You're not attached to anything. This guy's just standing still and walking. Whoa. But wait a minute. Are they like beads? How is that working? I call it Dr. Disney. I don't fucking. Okay. But that doesn't seem like you can go fast. Well, you can't really go fast in this either. You can't go fast. I'm just kidding. No one has. Your mom. If everyone really liked it and it was that good, me and Red Band would have three versions of it.

1:33:54I was going to say Red Band is all over this, right? Yeah. It's not that good? Well, what's it look like now? Let me see what we got. Let me see a dude doing it. Total game changer. Look at that guy's sandals and tell me if you want to be him. Wait, here's his David O. Verified buyer. Let me read this. That dude's got sandals with socks on. I love my Omni 1. It has been a total game changer. Game changer. In just four months of thrilling action-packed gaming, it has shattered my weight loss plateau and dropped an incredible 40 additional pounds, all while having an absolute blast. See, that's what I was thinking.

1:34:25Yeah. It could be legitimate exercise. Yeah. Are those? Oh, that's his sneakers that are strapped in. I thought he was wearing socks with sandals. I was like, that is the wackiest shit I've ever seen. That seems kind of fun. That's how you have to do it, though. Most people don't want to be active while they're playing video games. It's just they're counterintuitive things. Yeah. Yeah, but we're not talking about most people, Jamie. We're talking about a couple of athletes. I'm talking about me wanting that thing in my life. So when he's running on that thing, what does it look like? Can we show me a video of someone using one of those things?

1:34:53I'd be down to go to the prehistoric era and chase, fight, kill, whatever it is, dinosaurs, but be moving and shaking, right? Yeah. Versus just being stationary. Yeah, I want to run from stuff. I want bats chasing me. It's virtual reality. It should be as real as possible. It's supposed to be scary. I mean, that's... And also, you get a workout in. Ooh, that looks actually kind of cool. Look how he's leaning so far forward there to do that. Like, that's not comfortable. But is he doing that on purpose? Probably not. He's probably trying to make it work. Oh, bro, this looks awesome. You are not dissuading me.

1:35:26This looks amazing. This does look awesome. This could be the only – Oh, my God. The problem, too, this could be the only game that works on it. I want to shoot those things. You've got to get Martin Phillips in this. What other things are happening in that game? This is kind of my point with all of you. I've tried to tell you before. if someone made a really good game by now, 10 years into this, everybody would know about it. We would have talked about it a bunch. And there's just not. What games can you play with this setup? I've never, I don't know. I don't know anybody that's ever used this.

1:35:55He's got put on the outside of his shoes. What are those? He's got something on the outside of his neck. Right, it's like a strapped on thing, just like the other one was. It's so funny to see how far we've come. Remember the Nintendo trackpad? I mean, dude, we are just leaps and bounds past that. I think those things must have some sort of a sensor that lets you know where the foot is at any given time. That makes sense, right? So the game would know. That would be the way the game would detect whether or not you're moving forward. Oh, this seems so awesome. Well, with all the stuff they do with the motion capture for the sports games, it's pretty incredible.

1:36:30But if you could play games like Quake where you could actually be holding up a plastic rifle and you're running down these wallways, shooting down monsters and shit. Well, think about playing if you were playing like a Madden and you could like feel the impact of taking a hit or running and like... I did that. It was in the middle of this. You know those gel blaster things? What's that? It's like Tony gives away and kill Tony. A little BB gun? Yeah, it's like a little BB gun. What is it? A gel blaster? It's a little gel BBs, I guess. They've hooked it up and made it computerized and you have sensors on like VR or like laser tag.

1:37:07It's in the middle of laser tag. That's fun. They put up giant things for you to run around. Cool. And it's scoring the whole time. Cool. There's little voices talking to you and saying like, good job, you did it. Like watch your health, get back, hide, reload. Birthday party idea, Joe. Have you ever done paintball? That was really fun. Yes. I did paintball. When I lived in Boston, there was this place that had like, it was like a warehouse that had all black lights. Cool. And you had neon paintballs. Oh my God. And you had wars like with other teams. It was so much fun, man. It's the best. I've only done it outdoors.

1:37:35Oh yeah. They fucking light you up. It's real pain. When they hit you, you're like, oh shit, that hurts. It actually hurts. I got one in the lower back. It's fun. It is fun. It's very exciting. They still do it, right? Oh, fuck yeah, they do it. People get super serious. They have really sophisticated paintball guns now where they can shoot multiple rounds, like semi-automatic paintball guns. Oh my God. Like a big giant bottle at the bottom filled with paintballs. Yeah, it's crazy. My buddy did one for a work team bonding thing. he's like it did not end well people were fucking just it was almost like a work conference where people got fucked up and maybe cheated it was just like a version of just people taking out just cheap shots and also people getting hit and going after people they didn't like but you know backfired people getting their aggressions out and their employees and shooting them fuck you Joyce Sally you shot her in the face She's on your team.

1:38:36Well, I made it better. That fucking bitch is never on my team. Pulling hair. Oh, my God. High heels in the air. That's so funny. Oh, my God. She's never on my team. Fuck that bitch. Yeah. You imagine having to work with someone you hate? Imagine like eight hours every day with someone you fucking hate. Doing something you hate with someone you hate. Some shitty fucking person you share a cubicle with. Nah, man, no. Right next to you. Dreading it. Yeah, right next to you, talking shit. That fucking bitch. And there's no way to spin it, yeah. Nah, you're stuck. And then you gotta behave with the office culture.

1:39:15I bagged groceries at Albertsons for a little bit, and there were some people there that sucked, but I didn't see them every day. Yeah, you're moving around. Moving around, yeah. You're doing stuff. Oh, but if you're locked in a cube. What a bummer. That's a fucking horrible way to live your life. Thank God we were delusional. Thank God, right? We need more delusional people out there. That's why I'm a big supporter of Adderall. Like, more people should be - All right, quick little sponsor. Just kidding. I did it once. Did you? I did it once, and I went out to - I was doing - It was a year after I graduated, and my buddy was like, come out to the West Hollywood Halloween party with me.

1:39:49He's like, it's supposed to be crazy, like 200 ,000 people. I don't know if you ever in LA saw that. It was like up and down Santa Monica Boulevard, just the ultimate chaos, right, in the gay part of LA. and so I was like oh I'm gonna do some content then so I got my buddy with a camera to like interview people because the costumes Jeff Scott from the store used to go down there all the time the cost he would build elaborate costumes people would spend I mean I talked to a guy who said he spent 80 grand on a full Batman suit I'm not joking so and there was a guy there was a guy Adam and Eve they're just buck naked with a couple things I'm just talking to everybody I think it I may have taken off my YouTube but uh I was so tired and my buddy was like you want an Adderall and I've never done it and Joe I have never done it since I was 2006 I felt unbelievable dude that's what scares me I felt unbelievable and I was locked in dude you were selling me something right there you were ready to sell some real estate I've never snapped at anybody it was a bit yeah it's weird right I was so focused but I didn't feel like my heart was racing too fast it was that's the problem it's like when Hunter Biden describes crack Like that sounds incredible.

1:41:01The only reason I didn't do it is because it sounded too good. You know under my administration we had the first Black Mermaid. Who's that? Biden. Who's the Black Mermaid? The Little Mermaid that was black. Oh that's right. I forgot. I missed that. I missed that outrage. It's okay. Yeah. Great name for a title of a special. Outrage? I missed that outrage. Oh yeah. Maybe it's a little long. No it's not bad. Missed that outrage. You jamming on another one? I am putting together material now, you know, that the weird process of subtraction, deletion, addition, expansion. It's like fucking around.

1:41:42I'm doing it at my own pace. Yeah. So I'm not thinking about. I'm just thinking about having fun and doing things that I find interesting. Like, you know, it's like. You don't need to. I mean, what? Having a... What's that? Go ahead. No, I was going to say having a club and having to not go on the road is huge. Yeah. And it gives you a chance to like... I think sometimes when, I don't know, a lot of people have this issue. Like you do a special and then you're supposed to go on tour like four or five months later and you don't really have enough material yet. So you start putting together stuff that you think will work rather than stuff that you really like.

1:42:18Whoa. You know? Yep. So that's where my head's at. Yeah. Just talk about stuff you really like. And sometimes it's hard, like the subjects that I'm really interested in right now, some of them are just not that funny. They're just too weird. It's hard to figure out a way to make some of these ideas into comedy. When you're giving yourself ample time to marinate and play around if you don't have like a, I'm going to shoot something in. I mean, I don't know. Having, I guess there's, again. Goals are good too. Totally. Because they force you to work. They force you to like, you have like a sense of urgency.

1:42:52I think at a certain point in time, a goal is good too. But I also think there's a meandering period that's important. Yep, got to explore. Yeah. Otherwise, you're going to get stuck. Yeah. I'm doing my first weekend at the mothership in February. I'm fired up. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm fired up. Very exciting. I mean, just being there last night, Shane brought me up. Man, he murdered. It was so funny. It was fucking so funny. Were you guys on the late show? Yeah. Yeah, nice. And I went over to see Queens of the Stone Age. They were doing this ACL Live. Yeah, they're here tonight too. yeah Tony's going tonight they were so good dude they're great there I met Josh the first Dr.

1:43:28Phil live show we did Bird did at the store and he brought Josh and he was just like yeah Bird told me he was doing the Dr. Phil show and I was like what the fuck is that and we just became homies and so uh he came uh invited me over there and it was I didn't see that ACL live studio before it's awesome it's like a tv studio but it's three levels and it was like a really intimate probably 500. Jamie, have you been there? That's where that one Kill Tony was. I thought you were saying studio. I was confused. Downtown, ACLI. Yeah, I've done it. It was awesome, but they ripped it. I feel like them, Foo Fighters, there's a handful of bands that you're just like, you guys are rock stars, dude.

1:44:09And Josh sounds so fucking good vocally, and the band is so dialed in. I mean, there's I think six of them in the group, and it was awesome, man. Yeah, he's a nice guy. I had him on a podcast once back in the day. Nice. Back in the L.A. days. Yeah. We got a Queens of the Stone Age poster up in the green room. Tony showed it to him. He was like, oh, that's fucking great. Yeah, Adam gave it to me. I was like, oh, this is such a cool photo. It belongs to me. Yeah, my friend Josh gave me this poster. I don't even want to have it. Norm liked them, too. I don't know. I was going to see it, man. That's pretty close.

1:44:45It's all right. It's all right. it's pretty close you know when I first met Adam Egan I love this guy I don't think I've ever told you this story the Tempe Improv when he was booking the Tempe Improv that's when I met him he it's 2010 so I'm three years into doing stand up he comes to the Hollywood Improv he's trying to just scout like you know young comics to come out and feature at the Improv they gave him jurisdiction to start bringing people out to like feature and just you know we'll fly you out put you up and so I meet him at the Improv and he's like man I think you should come out and do you know Jim Florence Florentine?

1:45:17Maybe you can feature for him Florentine. I ended up breaking my ankle, playing an outdoor basketball game with Sam Tripoli, shattered my ankle and couldn't go. And then Matt Bronger was going to be there in December. And he's like, no, you can do the Bronger weekend, but it's also the holiday show, so you got to be clean. And I was like, fine, I'll just take out the F-bombs. I was not filthy aside from that. I did have one joke that was this PSA joke about how it's all these celebrities talking about things that you can't really relate to. You need a guy. It was always like, you know, Johnny Depp being like, you know, you need to read more to your kids, you know, blah, blah, blah.

1:45:52And then it would be, I was like, why isn't there a guy that's just like, what's up? My name's Cameron. Life gets tough, you know. So make sure to tell your doctor to please refill on your Vicodin order. That way you can sell the pills for$10 a piece to your deadbeat pill poppin's friends and finally get enough cash to buy that 20-inch Fusio flat screen that your slutty-ass girlfriend said was going to take up too much space in the apartment. Well, good thing she showed you her bipolar side because now you're free from her bullshit annex. fuck you Beth you dumb cunt and I have like a PSA at the end of it I did that at the show and I said cunt and I got fired from the weekend and Adam comes up to me and he goes man you put me in a tough position man I gotta fire you and I was like what and he goes I told you to be clean I go I know I totally fucked up I rolled the dice they had me go up and do 10 and then 5 and then 10 again and I was crushing and it was great but the owner at the time I think he's passed was super like conservative Christian.

1:46:46And even though all the holiday parties were coming up to me and being like, dude, super funny. I was great. Adam's like, dude, we have to like the manager at the time, this guy named Eddie was like, we got to get this guy out of here because if there are complaints, then we like, we got rid of the problem, you know? Right. And meanwhile, I'm looking up and I'm seeing Bronger kind of cursing and whatever. And the manager was like, well, he's the headliner. And I was like, oh, I think I'm being used as a scapegoat, but I get it. Cause I did tell Adam I'd be clean. And I fucked up. Adam though then comes over with me he felt bad that I felt bad that I fucked up and he we go to the bar next door we rip it up we chat and we stayed in touch and like he didn't like hold it against me and then uh still a homie to this day yeah he's a good dude you know that's uh you're not supposed to say cunt when you're on a clean show part of the thing yeah fucked up yeah and I was up until that point it was the last joke I did and I just rolled the dice and I started doing it And I wasn't savvy enough to like I was like this is how it ends Have you always been able to like do impressions like this?

1:47:45What is that? I don't know Because you do a lot of impressions Pretty good year, yeah Yeah Where'd that come from? When did you start doing that? Impersonating teachers and friends as a kid I think I was a real big kid And there was a girl that every The first impression I remember doing was this girl named Annie And she was like the young hot girl in school And everybody had a crush on her And I had bigger tits than her I was a real big kid and she had a real big crush on my buddy. So I remember I prank called my buddy as her with a couple other friends, like pretending to be her calling him.

1:48:17And he believed it. And we had like a 20 minute conversation. No way. Fourth grade, yeah. Let me hear what it sounds like. Well, I can remember, I can tap into how I would do it because it was like in the back of my throat. It was like really like, hey, Evan, what's going on? Obviously my voice is way deeper now, but that's what I would do. That would be a problem. I'd be like, who the fuck is this? And how big's your dick? This is crazy. I'll send you a link. So then I would start doing... What size shoe do you wear, Evelyn? Evelyn, you're killing the comedy names for these bits. So teachers, friends, and then I did...

1:48:54I went to my friend's water sports camp. It was a Christian water sports camp. But I was buddies with them. So yeah, you can come and just skip the Jesus talk, I guess. Even though the guy tried to convert me. He was like, I know you're a Jew, but you're the only Jew here. I was like, yeah, this doesn't feel like a conversation we need to have about that. He was trying to convert you? Yeah. How did he do it? I can't totally remember, but it was something about the core. Did it involve sucking your dick? It did a little bit. Sound like it. Yeah, yeah. And letting Jesus into my heart. He's like, and Jesus would love to see if you could fit around this.

1:49:25But I remember for the talent show, I did a bunch of impressions. I did like, what did I do? I did, I think, a Clinton and a Cosby and that age dwell. and then I did a Master Splinter from Ninja Turtles and Mike Tyson. I don't know. I think I always have a pretty good ear. But I want to go back to how this guy tried to convert you. Oh, shit. He had a Bible. I got out of it pretty quick because I was like, I'm here for the jet skiing and the camaraderie. And he was like, I think you're really missing out on letting Christ into your heart. And he kept asking me, is life going great for you? I'm like, I don't know, my mom's holding down four or five jobs.

1:50:04Like, I can afford, you know, she didn't buy me Jordans, but I got the Patrick Ewing's, you know. We're doing okay. And he just kept trying to be like, you could be doing better than you are now, and Jesus will fix that. It was like kind of the moral story. Wow. Yeah. Jesus is going to fix your whole life. He went hard in the paint. Yeah, whole life. He's like, do you know why your dad left? Whoa. Yeah. He did not. I swear to God, yeah. He brought up a little divorce. Because you didn't have Jesus in your heart? I don't know if you were going there. Or your dad didn't have Jesus in his heart? That was probably insinuating.

1:50:31If you found Jesus, how does the dad get back into your life? Great question. He doesn't. He doesn't. This is terrible logic. Yeah. Yeah, he went hard in the paint. Wow. He was a young guy, too. Those are always sus. Yeah. Those young, hard-in-the-paint guys are very sus. Yeah, he was trying to, I think he was almost like he's a young door-to-door salesman. He was like, if I can convert the Jew on this camp. Welcome to Walgreens. Looking for a holiday gift? Sort of. My cousin Freddie showed up to surprise us. Oh, sounds like a real nice surprise. Exactly. So now I have to get him a gift, but I haven't gotten my bonus yet.

1:51:03So if we can make it something really nice, but also not break the bank, that'd be perfect. How about a Keurig for 50 % off? Bingo. Savings all season. The holiday road is long. We're with you all the way. Walgreens. Offer valid November 26th through December 27th. Exclusions apply. You're tuned into Auto Intelligence, live from AutoTrader, where data, tools, and your preferences sync to make your car shopping smooth. They're searching inventory. Oh, yeah. They find what you need. They're going to find it. You can make a budget for your pilot to help you succeed. Mm. Pricing's precise and true.

1:51:38So true. It's smart to call shopping. Ooh. But just for you. Oh, it's just for you. Ooh. Find your next ride at autotrader.com. Powered by auto intelligence. Maybe I'll get my, I'll get Delta status. I'll be a gold medallion. Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird one, right? But the voices, I just, I don't know, an ear for it, I guess. You know, like being, but I don't even, having, doing the character stuff and having, being able to actually transform helps a lot. Being able to like see myself. You need to bring that guy into your act. The guy who's trying to convert everybody. I don't talk about that. I really should, to be honest with you.

1:52:16Yeah, 100%. So Johnny Depp and the guy who's always trying to convert everyone to Jesus and Jesus will fix everything that's wrong. Everything. Everything that's wrong. I guess and I just I didn't know enough about it to give them uh I don't know I also just like I don't know man I'm pretty reformed with Judaism anyway like you know when I was in college um when I was at UMass there was this girl that was in my class this really hot Puerto Rican girl with glasses she was so pretty and she was really friendly and uh she kept inviting me to these things like uh she invited me to this weekend retreat that her and her friends were going to And I was like, whoa, this is crazy.

1:52:52This really hot girl is inviting me to go to this thing. Yeah. You know, I felt like I was kind of a loser. Like, why is she inviting me? This is crazy. But I couldn't go. I had an event. I forget what I had. I think I had a fight. I forget. I was still competing back then, I think. And so then, might not have been. I don't know what the fuck it was. Might have been a comedy show back then, actually. Now I think about it, it was probably early 90s. Yeah. So when I was in class, we we all found out that there was a plane crash. It was one of the Trump planes. Trump had an airline for a while. I don't remember this.

1:53:27No. Trump Air. Yeah. And one of the planes, the landing gear didn't come out right. And the plane like skid across the one way and the people lived and they were fine. So I'd heard about it and they were all sitting eating lunch. So I went into the lunchroom and I said hey, did you guys hear about the plane crash? And they go no, I go yeah, this is crazy I go um, everybody lived what happened was the plane skid to the runway and the landing gear didn't come off So it's like just the bottom of the plane, but everybody lived and then the late the hot Puerto Rican guard goes Oh, praise God praise God Then they all started saying praise God praise God and I was like Oh You guys are trying to get me to go to a religious retreat.

1:54:11Oh my oh Okay. I thought you were going to the bang bus. So then I started asking questions. So I'm like, so are you guys like hardcore Christians? Like, what are you guys? And they're like, yes. And we wanted to invite you to take Jesus into your life and to join us in this retreat. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do that. But thank you for that. Now I know why you wanted me to go. I thought she liked me. Bummer. It was a bummer. Yeah. But it made more sense. I was like, okay, that makes sense. Yeah. We're trying to recruit. And that's how they do it. to get this hot girl to recruit people.

1:54:43Yeah, I mean, smart on their part. Smart. But I wonder what it was, really, because it seemed a little cultish. It seemed really odd. It wasn't just like, you know, there's a lot of Christians that I know that are great people, and if you told them about a plane crash, they'd be like, oh, thank God, thank God. But it would be like a normal way to say thank God. You know what I mean? It was a weird, praise God, praise God. They were all saying praise God, and it was odd. It wasn't as simple as, oh, thank God everybody's okay. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah. Thank God. You know? Oh, I pray for those people.

1:55:14Okay, that's normal. There's something about praise God. All of them saying it. I was like, oh, no. God damn it. And drink this, Joseph. It was like I was in a zombie movie where everybody was turning. I was like, oh. A woman came up to me after my show last weekend and goes, I heard you talk about being nervous flying on stage. And I ran to my car and I know you're a Jew, but I brought you a Bible. And I go, I think I'm all right. And she goes, well, wouldn't you like to know where you're going when you die if the plane goes down? I go, to be honest, no. I'm rocking out to my favorite Phil Collins song, hoping that the plane reroutes itself and we actually live.

1:55:53If the plane is shaking in a certain way, I don't just go, all right, well, at least I'm going. I'm like, fuck, no, I hope we get out of this. But she was like, oh, well, you wouldn't just. And then she kept pushing it. And she was like, I really think Jesus. And she kept going off. And then I go, with all due respect, like, I thought you just came in line to take a picture and say hello. You know, I hope you had a good time at the show. She goes, I'm going to go try that guy. And as my opener, I go, he's more Jewy than I am, so best of luck. And she went over to him, and I just see him going, like, you know, being like, I try to be nice and be like, you know, it's.

1:56:27And I was very, I try to be very, you know, sweet and be like, thanks, but no thanks. But just so pushy, man. There's a lot of people that it gives them, like, a personal validation. if you'll follow what they're doing. And they also want to guide you. They want to help you. She thought I was not... Control you. Yeah. I got no problem if you're like, I want to shoot my shot and see if you're into this. But once I was like, no thanks. But then there was a shift in her eyes of like, oof, you're this... Well, she really believes it. She's probably schizophrenic. She's probably got a mild touch. Just a touch of the skits.

1:57:02Touch of the skits. There's a lot of folks out there with a touch. Sure. I don't think schizophrenics are all full-blown. No. There's a lot of people that are just oddly out of touch. We just got to go, I don't think you and I are experiencing the same game. I'm trying to cross the sidewalk. You're trying to eat it. You're on some weird level where you're not seeing things the way everybody else does. Yeah. Very weird. But some people are like that, and they ruin the idea of religion for a lot of folks because it's like you associate religion with kooks. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. To need—being a good person is a pretty easy formula, too.

1:57:40I have one friend that's just so—God bless him. He's just so hardcore conservative Christian, and I'm like, do you need all that to justify being a good person? Like, isn't it like—are there some golden rules you can follow of treating people the way you want to be treated? It's just too much, in my opinion, you know? But, yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's a good it's like a good scaffolding for for morals and ethics. That's the best thing about religion. Yeah. If you follow people that are like devoutly religion, most religions, there's a few religions that preach some sort of some pretty radical violence.

1:58:17But for the most part, what they're trying to get you to do is be a better person. They're trying to get you to follow morals and ethics and don't lie and love your neighbor and be a kind person. Totally. But you can do that without it, can't you? You can, but it helps. Yeah. It really does. And there's something about going to a church where everybody has the same thought. You're all there for the same reason. Yeah. You're all there to give your mind, like give your consciousness, like think about the concept of this higher power and think about what these lessons that are in the Bible really refer to and what they really mean and what actually really probably happened.

1:58:56And it's interesting because you meet like the nicest people that do that. So it does work. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like you could get hung up in the weeds about whether or not you believe, you know, Adam and Eve were the first real people. Like, eh, that seems a little sus. You know, the whole Noah's Ark, like, what? That seems a little sus. But I think outside of that, what you're really dealing with is a bunch of stories where people are trying to accurately depict real events. But doing it after hundreds of years of just telling stories by the campfires. And a lot of it's distorted by translations.

1:59:34A lot of it's distorted over time. but I think they were trying to say something very profound. And I don't know what really happened, but I think what they're trying to do is give you some sort of a history of human beings on Earth. It's just a very weird one. Because if you get into the Old Testament, like the Old Testament has some wild shit in it, man. You get into like Ezekiel's story of seeing the wheel within a wheel in the sky and like heads of animals and all these, like what the fuck did you see? Yeah, I gotta finish Narcos first. I don't got time for that. But people that follow Christianity, that actually do follow it and are like real Christians are some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life.

2:00:19So my point about that is like you could get hung up on the weeds and whether or not you think it's a stupid thing to do, but man, it works. It makes for nicer people. Sure. And so that's why I support it. I support that idea of any religion that makes you nice. Like, even Mormons. It's kind of ridiculous. There's a guy, Joseph Smith, who wrote it. He was 14. Yeah. He seems to be a little bit of a con man. Yeah. You know, said he found golden tablets that contained the lost work of Jesus. And when they said, well, where is it? They go, oh, the angels came and took it away because they didn't think he believed.

2:00:51Only he could read it because he had a magic rock. Like, okay, that's crazy. Wow. You get your own planet when you die. What? Yeah. Okay. But Mormons are the nicest fucking people on earth. Totally. They're the nicest, fucking friendliest, sweetest people. And now they have their own show, The Secret Wives of Mormon. Do they? I haven't watched it. It's like incredibly popular. Is it? Yeah. Is it any good? I tried to watch one episode. I think my wife's into it. It's definitely a - You think she's into it? It's a real housewives type show. Oh, yeah. But the girl from it, apparently, is now going to be the new Bachelorette.

2:01:24So that's how popular it got. I saw an ad the other day for the Golden Bachelor. They're letting old people fuck? Bro, it's - Yeah. Do the old people get after it? It's, bro. It's the guy was like 77. No. The woman was like 74, but she looks 73. Whoa. And they get after it? It's like, yeah. It's like. Do they make out? Oh, bro. Really? I mean, it's really, it's like they've got one last shot at love. Whoa. Is that really what they're saying? Yeah. No. We'll see if when they wake up from their nap, if this match is really a true match. Oh, boy. Yeah. And they've all lost somebody. I mean, I watched the first season.

2:01:59Oh. It was gripping. Oh. Oh, there's something about being lonely and old. It's sad. Well, they've all, you know, the Bachelor and Bachelorette are just like, you know, my name's Kimberly. And, you know, I'm 29. I'm like, I'm just tired of fuckboys. And Golden Bachelor, she's like, my name's Teresa. I'm 75. My husband died four years ago. And I don't know if I'll ever see another penis. But I hope I do. I'm paraphrasing. But she's jumping back in. And the guy was like, dude, Prince Charming. He looked like Vince McMahon. Fuck Pat Sajak. What was the one where they had - He turned out to be a creep, though, by the way.

2:02:37He told, let me say this real quick. This report just came out. One of the girls goes, who got picked, the Golden Bachelor picked her. And she goes, yeah. They split shortly after because he was just fucking a lot of people. This guy was 75. He was just cheating on her. She goes, yeah. He took me on a walk and said, if I ever kill you, this is where I'll chop you up and leave your body. That report came out like three or four days ago. Whoa. That's what the Golden Bachelor said. Did they vet this fella? There he is. That guy said that? Jerry, I think. Oh, Jesus. And Teresa. Jesus. He looks like a guy.

2:03:10Who would chop you up. Why say that, dude? Looks like a guy that would say it, at least. Oh, yeah. What was that show where they had these young guys, like these older ladies, like MILFs? MILF Island. Yes. Is that what it is? It turns out to be the sons of the other ladies on the show, and they start hooking up. Stop. Yeah, stop. Yeah, I Couldn't even bring myself to watch it. I don't want you should have hosted that dude Hosted people eating animal dicks on TV. I think it's a special place really by the way. Thank you That was such a good show. Um, milf manor Manor, so that's the story right like the brought in the sons of the other ladies They put out a trailer and they were very vague about what the fuck yeah that's what it is It's like these hot milfs, and then they have 20-year-old sons, and then the 20-year-old sons are just banging your mom's friend.

2:04:06Why isn't there just Anal Island at this point? I mean, we're so close. That's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah, you're right. There's probably a porn you can get. I bet if you just Google Anal Island. Use your VPN because we're in Texas. You have to say you're in Maryland, otherwise you can't get online. Oh, loophole. Yeah, there's a thing in Texas. You have to show government ID. In season two of Milf Manor, they've added the - Oh my God. They brought in the fathers to - Oh, Jesus Christ. So we can get in the mix, so it's the sons versus the fathers. Oh God, it's a fucking orgy. Disgusting, multi-generational orgy.

2:04:39Who goes on that? Where are they now? Where are the stars? I mean, there are only two seasons. It's pretty new. How's it doing? Great question. Here's the thing. It's like, who the fuck is watching TV anymore? The moms are really not much older than me, which is tough. Who would have ever thought that - Oh, unreal. How old are the moms? Almost all in their 40s. There's a couple in there. And they hot let me see some photos See what we're dealing with. Yeah, because you know you got to fit There's a lot to choose from out there a lot of males want to get on males want to be on milf manor If you had a milf show you'd probably find quite a few candidates out there in the world.

2:05:12I think so yeah Let's see what do we got here Jamie? See some of the it's on HBO is there a host for the show wait this is on HBO the plate the fucking place that brought you the Sopranos now brings you MILF Manor 2. Are you fucking kidding me? Is it really on HBO? Hot single moms diving into a unique dating experience. Is it really in the HBO show? Oh, I see. Why do I feel better about that? HBO goes from Game of Thrones to this. A lot of pretty ladies. Okay. They look good. Yeah. If there's some 20-year-old dudes. Especially a black lady. Jesus. Very hot. Geez. Okay. Oh boy. Oh my god. Yeah, we're banging it out, pops.

2:06:00Wait, so they're - Oh, so the guys are taking their shirts off and shit? Okay. That's a good sound. Yikes. Mommy man or two. This weird culture of everybody wanting attention. So strange. Reality TV, yeah. I mean, it's - It's so odd. 15 minutes of fame and then you can take that 15 minutes and turn it into a podcast or a - Is that the most popular type of television these days, is reality TV? Is that the most? Like, what is popular these days? Joe, I think so. That and, like, true crime docs, and then I'd say - But, like, regular TV. Limited series. You know, I just watched the Murdaugh. You know, that's the whole story.

2:06:38The Murdaugh guy, Alex Murdaugh, killed his wife and son. No? The lawyer? Which one? What is that one? Oh, man. Have you heard of this, James? This happened probably, I think, in 2011. um high uh powerful lawyer in the i think the midwest and his son uh was driving drunk in a boat accident and with all his friends and uh and one of the girls flew off the boat and died and so the dad shows up at the hospital he's just super powerful dude and was already like stealing money from his like business but he like went into the like the thing and tried to like curb the story to the other kids being like who was driving the boat that type of shit and then the story got real just uh slippery and whatever and everyone was like oh and then the kid got off because of the dad and the families tried to sue and it just didn't really happen because the dad was so powerful and then come to find out that uh the dad is stealing money from the business and then the mom and him are having a bad relationship and the kid is getting bullied and teased and then he ends up murdering his uh he ends up murdering his wife and youngest son because he's got a pill problem.

2:07:48He's going to go to jail for tax evasion and money laundering and stealing from his business. Anyway, he's now serving life in prison. Holy shit. Joe, I don't know what you watch, but it's... Dude, Patricia Arquette and Jason Clarke are un-fucking-real, dude. I just finished it today. Oh, so it's a recreation documentary. Well, the doc is also... It just happened, too. It just happened. I think some events are still being unfolded. The doc is also incredible. But what's the official trailer that you just showed me? That's a different thing. Oh, so this was the Netflix show from like two years ago.

2:08:21Yeah. Okay, but that's the documentary. Yes. So the show just came out. Oh, I see. Basically dramatization. But they have all the facts. And Joe, it's wild how they end up finding out that it's him. He did not cover his bases at all. I mean, but he tried to. He tried to like throw the phones away and then he drove to his mom's as like an alibi. Look how creepy his hands look in that photo. What's going on with that? Why is his hands covered in blood? Oh. Oh, man. Probably just to allude to the murder. I guess. So that to me, but again, it's murder and it's drama and it's a limited series. I think it was just eight episodes.

2:08:54People are into that stuff. Bro, can you kill your wife and your son? Yeah, crazy. Just to create a distraction, basically, and victimize himself. Who did he say killed his wife and his son? He said it was people that were probably coming after for the whole boat accident. because the town had kind of turned on the family being like the kid got away with it because he's a powerful attorney and they whatever and so he tried to go and he cried and they came and he was like he's probably the guys that were upset about the boat thing and we've been getting all these hateful people coming after us and how long did he get away with it?

2:09:29He even cried on the stand. He's still to this day. Snot coming out of his nose. Yeah, he still to this day maintains his innocence. But they put everything together, dude. And on the phone, there's a phone that his son had before you hear, the dad says he wasn't down at the kennels when they were saying bye to the dogs before the mom took off and was like, I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to live at our beach house. So he also was sad about that. And the son had his phone out videotaping the dog, and you hear Alex in the background talking. And he said he wasn't there. So that was a big red flag where it was like, dude, you're on the fucking video.

2:10:03Crazy. Oh, God. Any kind of guy that's willing to murder his son and his wife is not thinking straight. You said he was on pills? What kind of pills? Oxys or something? I think so, yeah. Something that was just numbing everything. Some heroin haze with a gun. And then he's in jail and his older son comes to visit him. He's like, Dad, did you do this? What's going on? He's like, dude, look at me. Of course not. Why would I kill your mother? He's like, there was somebody out there. And he's like, I'm sorry I lied about being there. I was there, but I was there and then I left. And then I went to go visit your grandma.

2:10:36And then that's when it happened. I mean, the timeline just doesn't. I mean, it doesn't happen. So his son's just like... Like realizing my dad killed my mom. Yeah, and being like, and you're lying to me. You won't even, even in jail, you're just like... You're in jail forever. And then he even goes, he goes, thank God I left. Otherwise they could have, you know, gotten me too. I mean, wild, dude. Imagine just committing that hard to like a... Just monsters are real. Yeah. There's some people that are just real monsters. You know, like, what do they say? what percentage of people are sociopaths, like complete sociopaths, where they have no empathy for other people?

2:11:11We've clocked that? There's a percentage? I think they think there's like a certain measurable percentage of people that walk amongst us that are complete sociopaths. Whoa. And even if they don't do anything horrible, they really don't care about other people. They don't have any feelings about other people. Both of those are attached to being a sociopath. Yeah, and I think probably there's a connection to narcissism in there too. Okay, 1 % to 4%. A percentage of people who are sociopaths, often associated with antisocial personality disorder, is generally estimated to be around 1 % to 4 % of the general population.

2:11:43More specifically, some studies suggest about 1 % to 2 % with around 3 % of males and 1 % of females, exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. One notable estimate is that approximately 3 % to 5 % Americans could be sociopaths or have ASPD with some sources citing one in 25 people, 4%, as having sociopathic traits. Interesting. Yeah. We got to think sociopaths are disproportionately represented in prison populations. The thing about sociopaths though, I don't know if that's a nature or nurture thing, you know, to have like no empathy. Is that something that happened because of something that happened to you as a baby?

2:12:24Probably. Could be. Like you just – no one cared about you. You didn't care about anybody. Like you never developed an ability to care. Or is it – because I know some people that were terribly treated when they were young, but they're great people. They're kind and sweet because of the fact they were treated so poorly. They're really kind and sweet to other people. You can develop that approach to life. What's the difference though between – that's the question. Is it like something wrong? It's like could you be a good person and still be a sociopath? Like you really don't care about other people, but you just do the right thing.

2:12:55Because it seems like the right thing to do. But like if. Like just because you weren't hugged maybe a ton as a kid or maybe you only had. Well, I'm getting at that. I don't know. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a genetic thing. Maybe it's just a weird, like you didn't get all the ingredients, you know. Could be. Yeah. What a bummer. Because I feel like that's a pretty common human thread to have empathy. Oh, yeah. And compassion. Like that's. Well, that's what keeps us together. Core traits, yeah. Yeah. It's like people that don't want that. Like you don't want friends. Like that. What? You don't care about people.

2:13:23You kind of need empathy and compassion to interact with anybody, don't you? Like in any situation. You could fake it, right? You could fake empathy and compassion. If you're a real sociopath, it's got a lot of time tricking people. Like your whole life you've been tricking people. Maybe you're a real good politician. You know anybody like that? A couple of years. Yeah, and then so you get to this point where that's like you're just really good at pretending that you care about everything. You really care about nothing. Yeah. Yeah. what's your best quality mine yeah i have no idea what do you like what do you if you had to like what am i are we on a date this is crazy you're a likable guy like what do you like what's your like i don't know what do you what do you leave with your your outlook at life i'd say that right you're a glass half full guy i have a good outlook yeah but i've also been very lucky you know so there's a lot of that like you have to really take it you created your own good luck though some of it sure but some of it is just you know you don't get hit in the head by a meteor You know, you don't die in a car accident.

2:14:22Like, some of it is just flat-out luck. There's part of life that appears to be very random. Sure. You know, and that you can't control. So anybody that's, like, successful at all, there is a percentage, whatever the percentage is, 30, whatever it is, there's luck. There's luck involved. But you worked everything you did as far as, like, having this go-getter attitude and put yourself in positions. Yeah. And then made good on those opportunities, right? 100%. Yeah. But it's also luck. 1 ,000. You have to have that too. You have to have a bunch of like things that happen, you know, in the right order.

2:14:56Yeah. For things to work out well. Yeah. Because we all know like really talented people that for whatever reason never got it together, you know, especially in comedy. Yeah. Because there's so many people that we know that were like really talented. Like they had something special and they just never followed through or they just died or they couldn't deal with the rejection. They couldn't deal with the bombing on stage. They couldn't deal with the hours that you have to put in and they fell fell off dude There's a lot of guys from the early days where I was like man. This guy's gonna be fucking huge You think there's more people that like if you started then versus now would drop off Because again like we were talking about with clips and just having more ways to be discovered or have more opportunities to They have more of a create yeah Yeah, you know very few chances back in the day the chances back in the day were real simple You had to either get on Evening at the Improv or the MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour or Letterman.

2:15:49Letterman was like the golden goose. Or the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it. If you got on the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was running it, you could legitimately have a full career. And a career back then was a club comic. A career was a touring club comic. So you just named four opportunities. Yes. That's fucking nuts. They were really hard to get on to. Well, the Letterman one was. The ones that were easier to get on was like they filmed a lot of those MTV half hour comedy hours. So a lot of people got on those. And you really only needed like seven minutes. Yeah. So there was a lot of those.

2:16:22And that helped. And then so you could say as seen on MTV's half hour comedy hour and someone comes see you at the comedy hut. Yeah. And then you're out there working. But there wasn't a lot of things that could turn you into like an act that could draw on the road anywhere. You were basically like, oh, this guy was on Comedy Central, so he must be funny. Let's take a chance to go see him. And then if you did it a bunch of times, you'd develop like a following in certain cities where people would come back to see you again because they had a good time last time. But now, you know, all you have to do is just have a clip and that clip goes viral.

2:16:59And then you're selling out theaters like right away. Yeah. So it's definitely more opportunity for someone to pop. There was a lot of guys back then that had great bits. And they just fucking never got the show. They never got this. They developed an alcohol problem, whatever it was. Wanted more consistent stability and maybe just wanted income that was... Yeah, there's a lot of that, too. Or they get married and have a child. And then the wife is like, hey, you need to get a regular fucking job. This dream is crazy. It's killing us. You got to be home. You can't go out on the weekends every weekend and make$200.

2:17:36It's crazy. you know. Yeah, my brother-in-law was rapping and slinging weed, and then they got... My brother-in-law is a white rapper named Dirty. Shout out. And he... My sister, when they got married, was like, yeah, you can't be doing... She didn't shut down the performing, but she was like, the drug stuff's got to... Yes, not good. Yeah, we got kids. You shouldn't be a drug dealer. People shouldn't be coming to the house. Yeah, and a daddy. Yeah. Good advice. Yeah. Sound advice from a woman. Yeah, yeah. No, she's cleaned him up. Yeah. The dream of trying to make it in the rap world is probably just as hard, if not harder, than the dream of trying to make it in comedy, right?

2:18:16He had a nice little run. I let him close out our Seattle Dr. Phil live show. Oh, really? Which was cool, yeah. We did the Neptune up there. It was like 1 ,100 seats. My nieces, who'd never - And he rapped? How'd he go? Awesome. He murdered it. Is he killer? Is he really good at it? Dirty. Pull him up. Let me hear it. Okay. Tell everybody where you're going to be. You're the man. Tell everybody how they can find you online. Yeah. On tour right now. Clubs the rest of the year. Last Dr. Phil Live at the Wiltern, December 16th. I'm doing the Moore Theater in Seattle. First Theater Show Home in Seattle, December 19th.

2:18:46And then the theater tour, the Who Is Me Theater Tour starts in January, goes through April. AdamRayComedy.com. Specials, like and subscribe on YouTube, where you are right now. Adam Ray Comedy, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. Are you around tonight? You want to do a set? I'm leaving tonight. Are you flying back? I love you, dude. and I fucking love you. I had a feeling you were going to ask and I have to leave right after this. Did you wait here last night? Yeah. I didn't know if I should bug you or just Adam. Oh, just text me. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anytime you're in town, you can do a set. I love you.

2:19:18I love you too. Thanks for having me. It was a lot of fun. Always. Always. And if anybody's ever seen Adam on Kill Tony, they literally are some of the funniest fucking episodes of all time. Thanks, brother. The Dr. Phil one's fantastic. The Biden one's fantastic. You're really good at it, man. I appreciate it, man. Yeah, you called me after the Tony app, which was really cool, man. I was like, this is insane. I thought it was a butt dial. No, no, no. I picked it up, and I was like, hello? That is so good. It was so good. I was dying. I was like, oh, no. I was watching it going, oh, no. Because it was, like, so dead on.

2:19:47Did you know what was happening? Did he give you a head to it? No, I had no idea. So you just went there? I had no idea. Yes. I had no idea. Because you don't go to all of them, right? No. I had no idea that you were going to be Tony. You were just randomly there for that. I thought he told you and that's why you came. No, no, no. I come to a few. Yeah. I've come to a bunch. Yeah. But I know that one was awesome. It was awesome. You're the man, Joe. Appreciate you, brother. All right. Bye, everybody. See you guys.