#2472 - Jeff Ross

27:00So it gave me this sort of zest for living. You take that loss as a young person, you're afraid at any second. It's hard to make long-term plans. Are your parents still alive? Yeah, it's an amazing, amazing blessing. And sometimes when you lose people young, you're afraid. You live in the constant fear that it's all going to fall apart. Yeah. I've lost a lot of friends. Like, sometimes I look at my contact list when I get a new phone, you know, and you're swapping over contacts, and I'm like, oh, fuck. You know, I've got, like, 20 dead people on my contact list. Some of them I just keep in there, you know.

27:41I got old phones where, like, Bourdain was texting me. I just kept the phone. I'm like, I'm never throwing this phone away. You know, it's a bunch of friends who are just gone. I look at Bob Saget's texts all the time. I listen to Gilbert Gottfried's voicemails. Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah. It just brings me right back to them. Those two guys, those are two tough ones. Those are two really tough ones. There's that famous picture of me, Norm, Gilbert, and Bob that Adam Egat took at Joan's Restaurant in Hollywood. And I show that in my special, and I talk about each one, do like a tribute to Norm.

28:20I do a tribute to Gilbert whose family is a big part of my family now his kids are great kids his daughter goes to school here in Austin and there it is and Bob who just became a grandfather so they left quite a legacy those guys and I really loved them and they would make me laugh you know I would just set them up and they would go and I would laugh until I was dying laughing fucking Norm what a legend the king he's such a great guy too he's so funny too and his clips I don't know if it's my algorithm or what but you would think Norm is making comedy content every day if you looked at my algorithm well mine too I think a lot of people people just share them he had so many funny things to say about everything and such a unique perspective just an unusual state of mind Canadians I have a theory that Canadians I'm from New Jersey, so I feel like New Jersey, I grew up as an outsider to New York.

29:23We had to root for New York sports teams. We had to listen to New York radio stations as a kid, TV stations. And Canada has that with America. Right. So I think they always feel like, comedians feel like outsiders a little bit. I feel like Canadians kind of have that. Harland, he's Canadian. I mean, Canadian comedians, you could go all day. Tom Green. Yeah. Yeah. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. A lot of Canadians. Caroline Ray. And a lot more. John Candy, right? Yeah. John Candy was a Canadian. Yeah. Martin Short. Was he? Is he? He is. I think so. He's still with us. Those SCTV people. That's right. Yeah.

30:08Martin Short is, he had a rough month. He lost somebody very close to him, but he's still one of the funniest people in the world. Oh, he was brilliant. All those fucking crazy characters. Oh, my God. I was at a birthday party once. It was like Paul Rudd's 50th birthday party years ago. And I remember everybody was like, let's do karaoke. And everybody wanted to start. Everybody was too shy to do karaoke first. And Martin Short walked up to the mic, belted out a Sinatra song, dropped a mic, and walked out to the valet and left. Just kicked it off and went. Fly me to the moon. And he was gone. It's weird when you get older and you realize how many guys have passed.

30:56Like, Patrice comes up in my algorithm all the time. And, you know, you just watch old clips. I went on a binge a few months back of him on Opie and Anthony. Yeah. just fuck ruthless he would have been the number one podcast in the world if he was alive today Patrice yeah if he had a podcast because he probably would have he probably I mean it's a perfect normal transition from Opie and Anthony to podcasting right he would have he would have probably had the best podcast in the world except the guests would never get to talk at all yeah it wouldn't matter he would be dressing them down he always had the funniest Patrice's greatness this at the Charlie Sheen roast I always talk about oh yeah he went on last and he was like he was we booked him late he never wanted to do a roast and he said I don't know this one I don't know that one and finally I called him one day I go we're roasting Charlie Sheen he goes oh he goes I don't know Charlie Sheen but I think I could do that I go you know him you don't know him but you know what do you know and he goes all right I'm coming he dresses total rock star like a leather suit like this whole like fantasy Patrice in his head and then the day of the show he's like complaining about his material he's like I don't know all these writers they don't know me this isn't me blah blah blah I go Patrice fuck all that pay attention and roast the roast just roast the roast make mental notes clock it all let them see you taking it in and then just go on and talk about what you just saw and that's what he did no it was brilliant did you see charlie sheen's uh netflix documentary i haven't it's fucking great man it's crazy it's crazy like he talks about everything he talks about the first time he smoked crack a girl was giving him a blow job when he smoked crack how else are you supposed to do it he said it's the best experience he's ever had he He's never topped it.

32:56Wow. Yeah. Wow. Makes you want to try it. Makes you like think, maybe. He was a fascinating guest too, having him in here. It's like that guy's been through so much shit and he's okay. You know, it's like, how is he alive? Some people are just different, right? Tiger blood. I was on tour with him that whole time. That's right. That's right. You were doing that thing with him. So what happened was when he got kicked off of Two and a Half Men and he went kind of kooky, he decided to do this whirlwind tour. And the first one he did, he tried to go and just wing it. Torpedo of truth. Yeah. That's what he called it.

33:36The winging it one did not work. No. But then when he started doing it with you and he did it with Russell, Russell Peters did a bunch of them with him. With comics, it actually worked. Because he would have someone to bounce stuff off of and they knew how to be entertaining and keep the flow going. Right. Yeah. And then you got into those stories, and it was amazing. Yeah. It totally turned around. The first one I did was in Atlantic City, and he called me the night before. And I was in L.A. at a party, and everyone was like, yeah, yeah, go do it, go do it. So I caught a, like, 6 a.m. flight.

34:12He called you the night before? What did he say? He's like, my shows aren't going good. I didn't know him. he goes uh you know like all these different people keep telling me uh simon rex you know other friends of his kept saying jeff ross could come out and roast you and save this so i just wrote jokes all night you know left the party wrote jokes caught a 6 a.m flew i walk into his dressing room like an hour before chuck zito is literally staring me down going don't be too mean to my guy you know like they're just trying to scare me and i'm like i'm here to like more of a comedian you know and uh charlie was really cool and uh and uh i told his road manager he goes what do you need i go i need a podium to roll out the big arenas i want to make it like a show and i need a hazmat suit because he'd been bombing for like a week every single night i'm gonna come out i go i heard there's a bomb scare i roll out it's jersey so it's my crowd and I just start roasting him.

35:10And it went well and I was like, if you're winning, because he's always like, winning, winning. I'm like, if you're winning, something's wrong with the fucking scoreboard.

35:22Old Jeff with hair, duh, winning. Look at that. Boy, he looks so skinny. Ooh, that's a look of a guy who does coke. Look how ripped he is. Jesus. Oh, man, he was up all night. We had, he was like. So he was still partying hard back then. You know, it's hard to say. Had to be. He didn't let me see that side of it. I'm sure he was. There's no chance he was clean. Warlock. Oh, that's right. He was a warlock. A warlock with tiger blood. Right. Violent torpedo of truth tour. Kicks off in Detroit. TV star is booed off stage. Yeah. So then after that, they kept calling and going, you do this date and you do that date.

36:04It was like more money than I'd ever made for a one-nighter. So I just started getting on the bus and the plane with him. How many dates did you guys do? I wound up doing eight. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. All right, baseball fans, this one's big. For the first time ever, baseball season kicks off with one exclusive opening night game live on Netflix. The New York Yankees, led by seven-time All-Star Aaron Judge, head to the San Francisco Bay to take on Rafael Devers and the San Francisco Giants. After a long offseason, the first pitch is on Netflix. Watch MLB opening night, the New York Yankees versus the San Francisco Giants live on Netflix.

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38:10And Russell, how many did he do? I don't know. I don't know. So he just had different comics. Who else did it? I don't remember anyone else but me. So that's news to me that Russell did. Yeah, Russell did a few. At least one I know of. There might have been some in Canada I didn't do. Well, Russell's really good off the cuff. You know, Russell's great working the crowd. I think Russell interviewed him. I think Russell, like you said. That's how he did it? Yeah, I think that's how he did it. Because now it occurs to me that he had interviewers on some of them. And he had a radio guy. And I think maybe Russell might have done a Canadian date.

38:41That's a smart way to do it. Have someone who's smart and quick just interview. Because the stories are so bananas. Yeah. All you need is the stories. Right. And he was so open about stuff, talking about how much crack you would smoke. Oh, yeah. You know, it was just so insane. And everybody was so happy that someone was, instead of hiding from the fact that they fucked their life up, they were like celebrating that they were off the rails. And everyone was like, tiger blood. I remember even Diego Sanchez, who was fighting in the UFC, was saying he had tiger blood. that's how fucking that's how popular it was getting yeah he was he was a thing yeah it was a thing but it was a new thing right it was a movie star who'd gone off the rails and was like celebrating it and being open and honest in interviews about prostitutes cocaine chaos everything all the above yeah it was a totally new experience for the general public because Before if someone had an addiction problem it was like oh so sad right he was doing coke and you know I was my life had fallen apart and then I found Jesus right you know it's like always one of those things He wasn't an apology tour he went on a fuck you tour Yeah a hundred percent and no one had ever done that before No one had ever done a fuck you tour before I mean it was a little ill-advised the first ones you know when he went on by himself like that was a terrible idea Right.

40:07You can't just wing it. And when you're on coke, you think you could do anything. Or he would take questions, but there's 15 ,000 people yelling at him. Right. If you're going to take questions, it would have to be a person who's a moderator who has a microphone and talks to another person and is there so they can keep it from going off the rails in a line of people. You can't just have people yelling out things in the audience. One night somebody wanted his money back, and he brought the guy up and gave him his money back. And then, of course, like 400 people stood up like, I want my money back.

40:40Oh, no. He would hear the audience too much. Yeah. Well, no experience with that kind of stuff. Right. If you think you could just do live audience and deal with 15 ,000 people's different personalities, then you don't know what that's like. Right. Good luck. We wound up doing eight shows, and I would always roast them. So by the eighth show, I had 20 minutes of Charlie Sheen material. Every city, I'd add jokes. So that's when I was like, why don't we just do this on TV? I mean, we have the roast, and then we did the Comedy Central roast. Nice. Patrice and all that. And Mike Tyson was at that one.

41:14It's a really interesting career arc. Well, if you know his story, he was on the set of Apocalypse Now with his father when he was 10. Right. And then 10 years later, he was doing, what was the fucking movie? His fucking big war movie. Jesus Christ. Platoon. Platoon. He was doing Platoon when he was 20. Yeah. Which is nuts. 10 years later. Yeah. I mean, he's doing the next iconic war movie. Right. And he's a 20-year-old kid. And then all of a sudden, he's a fucking superstar. He was great in that movie. And he's just off the rails. Just like no restrictions. He's rich. He's young. He's handsome.

41:54He's just going crazy, doing drugs. But he made it through it all. That's what's nuts. I got to check that doc out. It's great. He's a great interview, too. Like, having him on the podcast was fucking great. Like, he's a really nice guy. He's very cool and honest about it all. Oh, yeah. You know, and he's also like, hey, you know, I can still act. Like, how about I fucking paid my dues. I've been sober for seven years. Like, give me a shot. Yeah. He can still act. He's a good actor. I hope someone does do something like that. Because I feel like if one big movie came along, like maybe Tarantino could put him in because he's the master at reviving careers.

42:33Yeah, yeah, yeah. What he did with Travolta and Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction, like Travolta was dead on the operating table in his career before Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction came along and boom, he's back. Because they realized like, oh shit, John Travolta can fucking act. and that role was perfect for him. Vince, he played this crazy hit man with Samuel Jackson. The best. Fucking, what a movie. I watch it all the time. Yeah, it completely revived his career. Yeah, he's the, like, Quentin Tarantino is like the master of seeing things that other people don't see. You know, he's like, that guy's still great.

43:10Yeah. And I think that's like the case with Charlie. Like, someone's got to come along and see and just go, I just need to get him a role where he just can really sink his teeth into it and he'll fucking kill it. Especially now at this stage of his life where he knows how important it is, he'll throw himself into it. It'd be fucking amazing. Some people don't act for a long time and then look what Sean Penn just did. And he came back after God knows how long and just did this totally iconic, unrecognizable, strange character. I didn't see that movie. I've heard all these mixed reviews. Whatever.

43:46However, it's interesting to see Sean's take on this soldier. Look, Sean Penn's out of his fucking mind, but that's the kind of guy that makes a great actor. He's a great actor. Ditch the Oscars to go see. Yeah, go to Ukraine. So cool. Go hang out. Go hang out with my boy Zelensky and do coke.

44:06Do that pure Russian coke. I like how you think that's what they were doing. I'm just guessing. I'm just taking a wild guess. But that guy, I mean, how about him? Like, goes and fucking meets the drug lord. What's his name? What's wrong with my brain today, Jamie? What the fuck's his name? The dude he met in Mexico. The guy who got arrested? El Chapo. El Chapo, thank you. Went down and met El Chapo, and that's how El Chapo wound up getting arrested. Right. He wanted to meet Sean Penn. Sean Penn's like, all right, I'll go meet. He wrote an article for, like, Rolling Stone. He, like, was a journalist.

44:39Right, I remember. I mean, like, what fucking movie star goes down and meets El Chapo? By the way, that shirt, Conor McGregor bought a shirt that's, like, exactly like that shirt and recreated that pose with, I forget who he shook hands with, but it was, like, this, like, funny inside joke that a lot of people didn't catch. It's like, why is he wearing that shirt? And people realize, oh, my God, he's wearing the El Chapo shirt. Oh, my God. He bought a similar shirt. He's like literally doing that. Oh my gosh. So silly. He dressed as gangster El Chapo. He's literally doing the thing. But he did it on purpose.

45:23Nuts. I mean, it takes insane balls to be a world famous actor and decide I'm going to go meet a drug lord in Mexico and write an article for Rolling Stone. He's an adventurer. I guess. Acting's a part of him, not all of him. I mean, he must be. He's in fucking Ukraine. Like, what does he do? I remember being at a party, Eddie Vedder's birthday party, and Sean Penn walked in with Stormy Daniels. Like, he has friends from the most diverse places. That's funny. Zelensky, Stormy. Have you seen Kyle Dunnigan's face swap things with Trump and Stormy Daniels? So funny. Oh, my God, they're so funny. So funny.

46:06Kyle Dunnigan. He's another guy that got revived by Kill Tony or like really got the world got to see him. Like we did. We covered his face swap videos a bunch of times on the podcast and blew them up. But to see him as these characters, like when he plays RFK Jr., when he plays Elon, like that is what really like kicked off Kyle's career. You know, his RFK is so fun. His Elon so good. That's when he first started doing the face swap. This is the best. My text chain's always sharing his stuff. His Bill Maher. His Bill Maher's amazing. You know, I tried to play... Because his jokes are funny about it.

46:45I tried to play the Bill Maher impression with Bill Maher when he was in here. He goes, if you play it, I'll leave. Why does he care? I don't... Because he doesn't hang out with comics enough. He's out there doing his show, hanging out with political people, being all serious. It's like you kind of forget. He just wants to be a... What do you call it? A contrarian. I was on his podcast and he literally he just wanted to fight about anything. I go, the Ramones are great. He's like, no they're not. I'm like, alright man. Did you say rock and roll high school's not great? Come on son. The look, the crazy hair.

47:21All of it. The Ramones is one of the greatest. The Ramones ruled. They were ruled. Never had a song over two minutes and five seconds. How can you say they're not great? It's nice to go see them in college, man. You don't have to like it. You got to admit, there's a reason why people love them. Right. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. People are so weird when they want to say something sucks. Like I was having an argument with someone, and there's like Taylor Swift's all dumb music. I go, no, it's not. It's not. She's got some great songs. No Body, No Crime, a great fucking song. By the way, I respect anybody who writes their own music and produces their own music.

47:58Also, it's like, do you think you're smarter than everybody who loves her? like she's she's literally got more fans than anybody alive and you think they're all wrong that's kind of crazy like you just you don't have to like it you don't have to like it but there's there's like people have closed minds i met her at oscars party last weekend and she introduced i was talking to travis she was i was talking to travis for a few minutes and she said hi i'm you know i was a little starstruck because i don't know musicians are the last thing for me like i I really respect. And she was super cool, man.

48:32And she was really cool, actually. And I told her that I went to her era show. Did you really? She said she watches the roasts. Oh, that's funny. It was pretty cool, actually. That's awesome. I wonder when they make love if they wear helmets, those two. Why do you think they wear helmets? Just saying. It's got to be wild. You think so? Travis and Taylor. I mean, it's all sweet and passionate. Maybe. I hope so. That's what I think. You have your fantasies. I have mine. Shoulder pads, cleats. Yeah. Going for it on AstroTurf. He's a nice guy. Is he? Has he been in here? No, never met him. He'd be a good dude.

49:08Good dude? Yeah. It's interesting when people are public, like a public relationship like that, two super famous people. It's like that's a lot of pressure. And then you're putting it all out there in the world and like everybody's judging you. It's hard enough to keep a relationship together. But keep a relationship together when you have to field everyone's opinions of you. Especially like Taylor Swift because how many fucking songs does she have about ex-boyfriends? Right. It's like, geez, if you break up with her, the fucking diss track of the universe is coming your way. Yeah, right. Kendrick Drake, fuck that.

49:43Just don't break up with Taylor. Exactly. Yeah. But it's just like you're doing it in front of the world and you're inviting all of the shittiest people in the world to have their opinions about you. It's like, blech. It's a lot of pressure. Look at freaking Timberlake this weekend. That really pissed me off. What happened? They released a two - or three-year-old video of him getting a DUI. Yeah, I did see that. Why does that need to be out there? How is that a legal thing to take a video of someone being arrested? Why is that? Because he's a public figure? Why isn't that private? I don't understand.

50:19And there was nothing outrageous about it. They're just hassling this guy and bringing up old news. It really bugged me. I mean, there was nothing outrageous about it. I mean, he was very calm and relaxed, and, you know, they arrested him for DUI. They, you know, they asked him a few questions. There was nothing about it that was, you know, like, oh, look at Justin Timberlake. He's off the rails. He's acting crazy. It was like he had a few drinks. Yeah. Probably shouldn't have drove. Drove. Got caught. That's it. Right. It happens to a lot of people. Yeah. And whatever, just because he's famous or whatever.

50:51He wasn't acting like an asshole. He didn't do anything terrible. and you know and everybody wants like look at him he got caught right you have so much money you still got caught right you know obviously get a driver dude you know you're gonna get drunk right it's not that hard he's tooling around the hamptons they thought he was fine yeah that's probably it right that's where all the rich people drink and drive well i don't i don't get having to torture somebody by releasing the video well i mean all he has to do is just not be online for a few days and it'll go away but it's like why is it okay to release that why is that a public record thing unless there's like some even if there's a case that should be something that gets released in court no they release it as a public information but what right why i don't know why because he's saying because we live in a cruel world that's why yeah we live in a place where people enjoy cruelty they enjoy well it's like you look at him you know he's like super famous married to what's her name was he married to yes jessica beale beautiful woman yeah right he's got this perfect life he's rich he's famous he can dance he can sing he's tall he's handsome he's a star when he was young fuck that guy you know that's how everybody is oh look he was drunk yeah yeah bitch you've been drunk before too shut the fuck up right and if you haven't fuck you if you've You've never been drunk?

52:14Fuck you. Unless like your dad was an alcoholic and you know, understanding circumstances. But it's like, why is that something that people are in? I saw it, it came across my newsfeed and I looked at it for a few seconds. I was like, there's nothing outrageous about this. Did you see Alan Richman though? The guy who plays Reacher? He beat the fuck out of some guy in front of some kids today? Yeah, or yesterday? It was crazy. That guy's a giant dude. You know that show Reacher? Yeah, I heard of it. He's fucking huge and jacked, and he was riding dirt bikes, and he got in some altercation with his neighbor, and someone filmed it.

52:55And, you know, he's this hulking guy. I don't know what the circumstances were. Maybe the guy deserved it. Maybe the guy was a piece of shit. Maybe the guy came after him first. But all you see in the video is him beating this guy up, and, you know, he's fucking this tank of a man. He's huge. He's like 250 pounds and he's beating some guy's ass and then he gets back on his motorcycle and He's doing it in front of kids too, which is kind of crazy Violence well, it's also it's like why you I don't know what happened So I don't really want to comment on the extenuating circumstances Right pushed off the bike by the man.

53:33Oh the guy pushed him off the bike. Okay Well, then that guy's just trying to get it you want to see the video. Let's watch the video. So watch the video like So this is after you already beat the guy's ass

53:51So he's punching the dude the other guy's a big guy too He might have just had a dicky neighbor boy Neighbors and like especially if you got a homeowners association. There's some fucking shitheads. So this guy So if the guy pushed him off the bike, I kind of understand The guy pushed him off the bike he's lucky that's all he did this could be eight-year-olds But those little kids that are there too and he's yelling at him and pointing at him But if you really did push him off the bike that guy's a piece of shit And he's lucky and he look he's an idiot cuz he like even after he beat his ass. He's still getting in his face and he's still talking shit okay well that's a different story well that's good that's good to know yeah fuck that guy you don't push someone off a bike and it's like he's because the dirt bikes were loud and they're in the neighborhood you know turn your tv up shut the fuck right people are just so into everybody's business i've watched so many videos of homeowners associations yelling at people for doing whatever parking an old car in your driveway Or just like people always love to tell people what they can and can't do right I've had homeowners associations before I don't know if you've ever dealt with that It is a fucking nightmare You have to sit down and talk to these dorks who tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your fence Yeah, you know higher your hedges dude I had a situation once where the there was all these wrought iron fences in my neighborhood And I repaired my fence and I replaced it with a different wrought iron fence And they said you can't have wrought iron fences.

55:30We have a new rule. It has to be a questering fence I said but there's no consistency. I said the entire neighborhood has wrought iron fences They said it doesn't matter. I said well, let's go to court I go. I don't give a fuck. I go. I'll sue you. I go. I have money. I go. Let's go to court I go. I'm not taking my fucking fence down and like you're gonna take your fence down. I go You're not gonna tell me anything You're not gonna tell me what to do just because I go. It looks great It's not like it's a blight on the neighborhood. The house is beautiful Shut the fuck up and eventually I won Did you have to sue?

56:03Well, I threatened to sue and they backed off because they were afraid of suing They were afraid of lawsuits because then you'd have to they would have to use the homeowners association funds to do this And it didn't make any sense like I talked to a lawyer about it I said does this make any sense he goes no there's a precedent in the neighborhood like every third house had wrought iron fencing And it wasn't like it wasn't good-looking like it was beautiful. It was news clean. I had a reputable company build it There's nothing wrong with it. And I was replacing wrought iron fence with more wrought iron fence.

56:32It was just better. It was like the fence was broken. It looked shitty. It was like, you know, they get rusty where they connect, and I had to get it replaced. So what on earth was their problem? Just cunts. Cunts. This is how cunty they are. I had a neighbor who lived across the street. He told me that I had to trim my trees and thin them out so that he could see the view in the distance. And I said, what are you talking about? And he said, we have a regulation that says you can't obstruct the view. I go, these trees have been here for 50 years. And then I talked to the guy who sold me the house.

57:07He's like, that asshole was trying to do that with me too, just telling him to fuck himself. He's just a weird guy. He built an observation deck at the top of his hill in his backyard so he could see the lights of the city in the distance. And he wanted you to cut your trees down so you're obstructing the view. I go, your house is obstructing my view of this hill. I like to look at hills. Is that what we're going to do? Take your house down. You take your house down, I'll trim these trees. Fuck you, man. Tell him to lift his house up. He's like, oh, so it's going to be like that. I go, going to be like what?

57:37You want me to cut trees down so you can see? You don't have a view, man. You're not on the edge of the hill. You're back set. This is what the view looks like from where you are. This house has been here before your house was there. Go eat shit. You could have asked nice and maybe you would have done something. I wouldn't have done a fucking thing. It's not it didn't make any sense. It's just people want to tell people what to do Like I was reading this article where this homeowners association Hired a tow company to go around the neighborhood and tow all the cars that had expired tags Can you imagine like you know your tags expired like ah fuck I'll get to it.

58:14I'm busy I'll get to it next week, you know you figure you just run it around and then all of a sudden they tow your car Like, fuck you, man. Like, fuck you. It's just people love to tell other people what to do. And homeowners associations, when they get power, they become like the little hall monitors of the neighborhood. You know, your grass is unruly. It's supposed to be two inches. It's four. Just people. People love to do that. They love to tell people what to do and what not to do. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast? Smart move. Being financially savvy?

58:55Smart move. Another smart move? Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Thank you. I have one neighbor who kind of runs the whole block. She puts everyone on an email chain and she's pretty, she leads with love. But she looks out for everybody. Well, as long as I'm looking out, it's not bad.

59:30It's just like nonsense. Like the guy wanted me to trim the trees. He wanted me to thin out my tree. You want me to chop the trees down? He goes, no, I just want you to thin them out. You can thin them out. I go, what? What are you talking about? Chop all the leaves off so that you could see lights in the distance? It was like the dumbest conversation. And he realized while we're in the middle of the conversation how dumb this is. Right. And then we never talked again. And I would see him occasionally. Isn't there a safety issue with trimming your trees, like thinning them out? Fire? A safety?

1:00:00Well, I mean, where we were, there was, the real issue is brush. The real issue is the ground, you know, dried brush on the ground. We were evacuated from where I lived three times from fires. Down here? No, this is in California. And when I lived in California, the last big fire in 2018, we lost three houses in front of our house. And my neighbor's house caught on fire. But I had one. My crazy friend Bud would not leave the neighborhood. They evacuated the whole neighborhood. He wouldn't leave. He's like, I'm staying. He's like, I'm staying. I'm going to save my house. I'm going to save other people's houses.

1:00:35And he fucking did. He saved his house. He saved my neighbor's house. My neighbor's house, my roof, the roof is on fire. He got water on it. He called the fire department. There was fire departments that were, like, trying to put out fires in the neighborhood the moment they started. And they hosed his roof down. Because embers will fly and they land. No, I had it in L.A. and I had to evacuate for one day. It's spooky, man. The fires in California are no joke, man. It's really weird to see when it happens because you realize, like, how nature is completely in control when that happens. Just this storm of flames that comes over the hills.

1:01:13It's wild. It's wild and it cannot be controlled. And once it starts, it's just a matter of trying to contain it. And a certain amount of houses are just going to go no matter what, depending on which way the wind blows. But that wasn't what the problem was. This guy was just a cunt. Just a – it's a homeowners association thing. It's just like people that think they – there was a – I'm still a part of this email group. I'm still on the email of the homeowners association. One of the guys poisoned one of the people in the Homeowner Association's dogs. Yeah. They got in some sort of a dispute about something.

1:01:54This guy poisoned his fucking dogs. Wow. Yeah. So sad. You evil cocksucker. Wow. But it's like that kind of thing. It's these people that just want to control their neighbors, man. It's so weird. Like one of my neighbors. What's the punishment for that? He should be shot. You fucking piece of shit. That's like killing a family member. He should have to eat whatever he gave those dogs. He should go to jail for sure. I don't know what happened. I don't know if they caught the guy. I don't think they know exactly who did it. They had no video evidence. The person who lived there apparently didn't have good security cameras.

1:02:29But it's so weird. They would get mad at someone for the way they designed their house. And I was like, what do you give a fuck? And he's like, this is like one of my neighbors built a house. And my other neighbor would go, what do you think about his house? I go the house like I don't care and he's like I think it's ugly and this this house is gonna lower our property values I go what what are you fucking talking about your house looks great You have a beautiful house you think people gonna pay less for your house because this house is boring like this doesn't make any sense it's but it's just people they nitpick and when they have control when people have control over other people's Like they don't have control over their own life and their life is just a sloppy mess.

1:03:10They always like to look at other people's lives and I don't like where he puts his dumpsters. It's a hater. Yeah. We all confront that all the time. It's not just a hater. It's a hater with power because of homeowners associations. And from that moment on, I decided I will never buy a home with a homeowners association. Never. No fucking chance. I don't care how cool they are because someone not cool could move in and then it becomes a nightmare. I will never have conversations with those kind of people where they tell you what you could do with your lawn. Like, fuck you. Fuck you. When I was a young comic, I lived with my grandfather in the house that I grew up in, and we would never, ever, ever mow the lawn.

1:03:52We just didn't have any money. We didn't care, and everyone in our neighborhood just hated us. They would heckle us and yell at us. So I guess I've been the eyesore, and now I'm on the other side of it. my grandfather lived in the same house that he bought in the 1940s and when he bought it in the 1940s this was in uh it was an all-italian neighborhood in newark and then um they started from they started doing you were born in newark newark new jersey no shit what's up let's go that's where i learned karate is that really from detectives in newark really oh yeah yeah people don't know you're a black belt in taekwondo yeah yeah yeah yeah that's wild do you still do it at all?

1:04:31I mean, I work out, like, you know, not with people, but I know my moves, and I do a few in the new Netflix special. I throw some kicks for fun and tell the story about getting a black belt starting at six, getting bullied. My mom dragging me to the House of Empty Hands. That was what it was called. Ronnie Roselli, Newark detective, teaching me karate, almost like a father figure. Oh, that's awesome. Gave me confidence, gave me self-respect, respect for others, taught me that hard work pays off. You know, when you get a black belt at 10 and a half, you go, wow, maybe I could be something in my life.

1:05:08If I work as hard as I did at that, maybe I could be good at something else too. Yeah, for sure. I mean, it teaches you a lot about, like, the belt system is really good because you get rewarded for your work and then you see, like, a tangible result. Instead of just like, ooh, I'm getting better, it's like, ooh, there's like a ceremony. Like I've reached a new level. Yeah. Like now I have to be. Some of my most cherished memories are those ceremonies. My dad and mom watching me get my brown belt, blue belt, brown belt, and black belt competing in tournaments all over the East Coast. Isn't that awesome?

1:05:42What was his name? Gary? There's this karate guy I used to throw. Gary Alexander, he threw East Coast tournaments and I used to compete. I still have a room for half a dozen karate trophies in my house. That's awesome. It's the best time of my life. I lost most of my stuff, but I do have a bunch of medals that I still have that are in my drawer by my bed. A bunch of medals from the day. But it seems weird when I pick them up. They don't even seem real. It's from another life. Oh, it's another life. Like, I don't even, until I, like, hit a bag or something like that, I almost forget that I could do it.

1:06:15You know? And then I do it, and I'm like, ooh. Right. I still got it. I like blah. I like my kicks. I can front snap kick. I can't side kick. I can barely roundhouse at this point. But it's like. Why not? I got a belly.

1:06:33There's no real good reason other than I'm just, you know. You ever thought about like starting to take classes again? If I do think about it, I probably could. Yeah. You know, you're good at kicking, of pushing me to do stuff like that. It'd be good for your health. Just take a class a couple times a week. What would I take? If I was a black belt in taekwondo. Take taekwondo. Just start taking that again. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're doing it for exercise. It's not like you're going to fight in the UFC. No. Just go and start, you know. You'd probably feel it a little bit, and then you remember what you used to be able to do, and so your muscle memory would kick in.

1:07:09Yeah. You'd start probably watching your diet a little bit better. Right, right, right. Drinking more water. Yeah. taking vitamins then next thing you know four or five months have gone by and now your waist is thinner your kicks are snappier you're going to three classes a week instead of two you know you feel better people go jeff look at you you're looking great like yeah i started taking taekwondo again yeah it's not a bad idea i guess i i guess i wouldn't wear my black belt i would feel like I was disrespecting the art. So I'd have to re-earn that. Well, you could always take a totally new style and start out as a white belt.

1:07:48You know, you take like Kyokushin is the shirt I'm wearing right now, George St. Pierre. Take something else. Take something near you, like Krav Maga. Like take anything. My manager, Amy, told me she was your publicist when you were on the cover of Black Belt magazine. Oh yeah, Amy's V. Yeah, way back in the Diz-A. I love that. That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, I never stopped working out. I just don't. It's too much of a part of my brain. Like, my mind doesn't operate well if I have days. Even if I just take a couple days off, I don't feel right. I feel squirrely. I feel like I'm not balanced, you know?

1:08:28Sometimes I just like to stand in front of a mirror and just throw blocks and just make sure that I like the way that it feels. Just do it. It's meditative. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I used to love doing, especially when I lived in California? I'd take a couple bong hits and just hit the bag and just, like, feel it. Just whoosh. Just start feeling it. Just whoosh. I remember my cod. Whoosh. Do you? Do you remember all those? I remember at least the first two, I think. God, I used to hate those things. I didn't think. I was young and immature, and I didn't understand the value of forms. I used to think that this is pointless.

1:09:05This isn't fighting. I only wanted to practice fighting technique. But now I understand. It teaches you body control. Like, you know, you throw a side kick and you snap it up in the air and you hold it and you turn and block and all that stuff. Like, it teaches you body. It's almost like a form of yoga, you know, and it teaches you to control your body. I do a lot of kicks in the air now, and I do them slowly. And it's really good for your control and your balance. and I didn't think that when I was younger. I thought that was like a waste of time. I thought like really what's important is like hitting things really hard and being fast.

1:09:43And now I realize like no, no, no, no, there's like a lot of value even to help your techniques and to be able to hit things hard. Like do it slowly and just have full control of your balance and your movement. So I like to do that. I like to do like slow kicks in my life. That's why I like yoga. Yoga is amazing. Yeah. I feel like that's akin to martial arts. It makes me high. Yoga is like the best high. You take your shoes off. Oh, yeah. Your phone is gone. You're so relaxed when it's over. It's just about your body and control. You're so calm. Yeah. Yeah. Yoga is so good for your brain. Usually on Mondays when I'm here, I would go with Tony to his high yoga.

1:10:20Yeah. Oh, Tony loves it. Yeah. He raves about his yoga. He told me he's been off it a little bit. He has. Yeah. Well, you know, the thing about Tony is like he's so focused on Kill Tony right now because the momentum is so extraordinary and he realizes that like tony's really aware that he's in a very rare moment in his life yeah where things are going so well so he's got his foot on the gas yeah of course and he's got a new special that he filmed that he's editing right now get ready to release and he's so proud of him man he's earned it i always told him he would take a different path than a normal entertainer he always had this kind of odd trajectory well he's an odd guy yeah You know, Tony, you'd swear he's gay, and he's not.

1:11:05But he's an awesome person. Like, people who don't know Tony, they see, like, the outside of him. Of course. Like, as a friend, he's a great friend. Of course. He's a great guy. I love that guy to death. We're always checking on each other. He's the best. He was so happy. He was the first one to text me when I knew I was coming down here. When I was workshopping my show, he came and saw it in Austin. came to the opening night on Broadway in New York. He's like there for his friends. A hundred percent. Well, that's the beautiful thing about Kill Tony is it's all about supporting people and giving people careers.

1:11:37Yeah. I mean, he's given so many people careers and pumped so many people up. I mean, he's really that thing, that Kill Tony thing is also it is, in my opinion. Well, first of all, for our club, it's the cornerstone of the club. It's one of the most important things about the mothership because having killed Tony at the mothership every Monday night lets all these people that are upcoming comedians see what it's like to have one minute that you've polished and worked on really well and it kills. And then you pop. And then all of a sudden, you know, it's on YouTube. It's got 11 million views. And then, you know, maybe it's on Netflix.

1:12:15And it's got millions and millions of people watching all around the world. And then all of a sudden people come to see you in the clubs. And you're selling out weekends. and you're writing and then you get a golden ticket. You got to do a new minute every week. You're a regular. I mean, it's really. A new minute. My show comes on tonight. It's 90 minutes. It might be the longest stand-up special in Netflix history. Well, your show is like a one-man show. 90 minutes. It's a little different, right? I haven't seen it, but I've heard great things. Yeah. You're going to love it. I'm sure I will. You're really, I think you're going to like it because it's about us.

1:12:48It's about comedy and the community of what we do. It's a embattled community and it has its like detractors and it has a bunch of haters and a bunch of shitheads in it But for the most part like as far as creative communities, it's one of the most supportive communities ever I mean, it's an amazing the community of comics like real comics that are all that when we meet up in clubs It's always hug people think like we're all like angry bitter like No, it's the opposite. The tears of a clown. There's a few people like that, and they always make me sad. But the reality is, like most of us are super happy to see each other.

1:13:28It's always hugs and laughing and watching each other's sets and giving each other tags and telling each other, like, oh, that fucking new bit is amazing. It's like, it's so supportive. Two teams, one cup. The primetime stage is set for the TGL presented by SoFi Finals, Los Angeles Golf Club versus Tigers Jupiter Lynx. Keep up, it's playoffs. Tune in Monday, March 23rd, 9 p.m. Eastern on ESPN2, and Tuesday, March 24th, 7 p.m. Eastern on ESPN and on the ESPN app. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Nice choice hitting up this podcast. No surprises, you're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy, just like White Claw Surge.

1:14:09It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the night's just begun. with bold flavors and 8 % alcohol by volume. Unleash the night. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard Seltzer with flavors. 8 % alcohol by volume. White Claw Seltzer Works. Chicago, Illinois. I was at your club last night, and it was like, I'll let comics come in to say hi. I brought some extra chicken wings. Jamar was there. It was just fun. Moses was doing roast battle. I sat in on that. Then I went outside, said hi to some people, and went upstairs and did a spot. But it's like, I don't have a wife and kids to go home to.

1:14:49This is what I do. This is the people that I love. The comedians are my kids, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts. Well, I do have a wife and kids, but it's still my other family. It's like the family of comedians, it's like a band of brothers and sisters. It's like a weird kind of friendship that, you know, it's like only they know what you do. you know only they understand that it's like 10 years before you're even any good right 10 years of being like if you're out there and you're headlining a club and you're on the road like you fucking put in that work there's no shortcuts it's impossible to have a shortcut you just got to grind i learned long and i learned though over time i don't want a shortcut i like the process Yes.

1:15:35That's what I live for. Oh, yeah. You know, we have a roast coming up May 10th. It's not about May 10th. It's about I can't wait to hang in the writer's room again. I can't wait to figure out who's coming. I can't wait to figure out the seating. Who are we going to make fun of? Who's going to who's going to be in the front? You know, what am I going to wear? It's the it is the grind. That's exciting. Yeah. There's no finish line. Right. The finish line doesn't exist. You have little finish lines like you do a special, like your special that's coming out. That's a finish line. But it's only a stop.

1:16:11Right. You're stopping to get water. But where is the finish line, Joe? Like, okay, so I did the Broadway show. Then I shot it. Then I edited it. But now I'm here still talking about it. And then in a month from now, two months from now, someone will stop me at the airport and go, hey, my kid was sick. I was in the hospital. I watched your thing. And it made me laugh for five minutes when life was – So all of it is, there's no finish line. No, there's no finish line. If you're sitting around going, I hope I win the Oscar. If you're, Tom Cruise is jealous of George Clooney and George Clooney is jealous of Brad Pitt.

1:16:46There's no finish line. There's no finish line. It's all the, I have a big neon, like you have the neon. I have a big neon in my house that just says enjoy the process. Yeah. That's where I'm at. Yeah. Trust it. Trust the process and enjoy it. and that's the weird thing about when you release a special and then you have nothing and then you know you have to like scour your brain for what you want to talk about i took like a whole month off a stand-up after my last special i didn't do any stand-up maybe more than a month and i just thought i said let me just think just like no pressure let me just think like what what is interesting to me what do i want to talk about instead of just rushing to try to put together or a new hour.

1:17:26Right. Let me just think for a while. You know, and I'd come to the club every now and then and watch guys do sets, but I didn't do any sets for a while. I'm in that zone right now. It's nice. You know what? Scary. When I first finished the special, it was years of material building with a through line and a story. And then when it was over, I was a little bit lost. Like, I'd go to the comedy cellar. I was still in New York. I couldn't let go of some of the, and I was like, I need to stop doing this material. And then I felt like I had no purpose. Like, I didn't want to talk about anything. And I said it to my buddy Kai, and he goes, dude, relax.

1:18:06You're between albums. Like, he put it in musical sense for me. He's like, you're like a musician between albums. Absorb some new things. See some movies. Go on a trip. Have some new life experiences. And then I was like, yeah, that's probably a break. after doing the same thing, the same kind of hunk for years, your body, your brain, like think about something else. Absorb new things. Download new influences. And that's kind of where I'm at. And then, of course, Kevin was like, I'll get roasted. And I was like, all right, I can put stand-up away for another two months and just write that. Yeah.

1:18:42So I go back into roast mode, which gives me, I'm like a dog who needs a job. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's kind of the same thing as your dog. It really is. It's like you need a task. If you're just doing nothing, like the idea of like, oh, one day I'm going to retire and just relax. Like, bitch, you'll go crazy. Did you see we're roasting Kevin Hart? That's what I heard. Are you supposed to say that, though? Yeah. Are you supposed to talk about it? I am. Okay. You're allowed to? My show. Okay, because I was told not to tell people about it. We're doing it May 10th, baby. Mother's Day, live on Netflix.

1:19:17So you're officially announcing it? Yeah. Okay, I can talk about it now. At the forum. Because I was told about it, but I was told I was not supposed to tell anybody. I don't know who told you that. Some people. They said keep it under wraps. Oh, it's already a thing. Yeah, they announced it this weekend, I think. Oh, hosted by Shane Gillis. Let's fucking go. Nice. That's awesome. That's awesome. Sweet, right? Kevin is so pumped up. That's awesome. That's going to be fun. Dude, he's out. You know, he's... These Netflix fucking... The Tom Brady one was insane. That was so good. That was so good.

1:19:52That kind of, like, juiced comedy back up again because it was so wild. It was, like, the jokes were so wild. It was so raw. Yeah. And we had gone through this, like, weird period of, like, people getting canceled for jokes. Right. You know, it's like all of a sudden, like, nah, that's gone. No, no, no. I said to him... I've been big game hunting Tom Brady for years. It took a couple years. He retired, unretired, but I kept him on the line. And finally we were shooting promos, and I was like, why are you doing this? Because I could tell it was starting to heat up, and some heavy hitters were signing on.

1:20:30I go, why are you doing this? It wasn't for the money. And he goes, I want to bring comedy back. I'm sick of the woke bullshit and cancel. I want to make comedy fun again. He understood that. And I caught him on a Super Bowl Sunday. He was playing in the Super Bowl. And I saw him looking at some jokes on Instagram that I posted. And I'm like, this is where he goes to relax. He goes to the roast. And I'd heard that. So as I was like, he won the game. And I was like, I think it's time. And then we reeled him in and he did it. and I will admit that roast was harsher than I expect even I expected vicious I mean it was it was a bloodbath and I saw Tom the other day and I said it's time to take your win you know he was like it was so harsh it was tough on my family I go I get all that but you wanted to do it to bring comedy back, you did that.

1:21:281.6 billion viewing minutes, Emmy nominated against the Oscars and the Super Bowl half. It was the most watched thing in the history of Netflix. You know how nuts that is? Think about how many things are on Netflix. That roast was the most watched thing in the history of Netflix and it was because it was so funny. It wasn't just because it was Tom Brady, which of course made a lot, but it wasn't just because all these great comics were on it, which of course meant a lot. Right. It was so good. It was so good that people were telling people about it. Yeah. And it's like a great Super Bowl. It's going to be around forever.

1:22:07Yes. Netflix leaves it up. Oh, like the Charlie Sheen roast. We were talking about Patrice. Yeah. They're always going to be there. It's going to be there forever. I do think, all respect to Tom, I do think this one with Kevin and Shane Gillis is going to top it. Really? I think it's not quite a sequel, but it's its own thing. It's going to be the greatest roast of all time. Netflix is the place for roast now because as great as Comedy Central was, you had restrictions on language and content. Right. And it was editing. Yes, editing. This is a – And commercials. Right. Yeah. Right. This is buck wild.

1:22:40Buck wild. Yeah. Netflix is fucking amazing. I mean what an insane platform that you have – you could never get bored. If you're bored in this life, like you're bored, you don't have anything to watch. Right. Like are you crazy? Yeah. There's so much shit to watch. Only boring people are bored, right? Yeah. That's what they say. Or people are uninformed. But I mean, even in this day and age, you could just, you know, do an internet search. Like, what's the best roasts on Netflix? Right. What are the best dramas on Netflix? What are the best shows on Netflix? Right. There's always something. That's exciting, though.

1:23:14It's going to be a big one. Yeah. Mother's Day. Motherfucker's Day. Kevin Hart, there's a guy, like, I don't understand how he has the time to do all the things he does. I do not understand it. I'm a pretty busy person, and I look at people like him, and I feel lazy. I'm like, how are you doing this? How do you have time to sleep? Right. And I saw him out with his wife having drinks two nights last weekend. He must sleep like four hours a night. I don't know how he does it. Some people are just built different. Yeah. I mean, well, it's growing up poor and realizing that, like, once this is happening for you, like, keep your foot on the gas.

1:23:48And that guy keeps his foot on the gas better than anybody. Yeah. And he's ambitious as fuck. He's always got like some tequila brand and releasing this. He had a vegan restaurant chain for a while. I would have talked him out of that. What the fuck are you doing with that? Well, you know, he likes to branch out and be a businessman. Yeah. I just don't understand the time. And then in the meantime, he's doing arenas at the same time. And killing. Yeah. I don't get it. The roast for him is back to his roots. That's what I love about it. It's like the Philly thing, talking shit. Shane's from Philly, so there'll be a big Philly angle.

1:24:29And we got some of his oldest buddies coming on. It's going to be pretty massive, I think. That's nice. Yeah. Well, you've carved out an interesting path for yourself as the roast master. Yeah. It's like an old school skill that used to be a big part of comedy. The Friars Club roasts. Yeah. Yeah. I miss those Friars Club Rose when they were just like, you know, sometimes they weren't even on TV yet when I was doing them. I just bought a Leroy Neiman painting from, they had an auction of old Friars memorabilia and Leroy Neiman painted Henny Youngman surrounded and he painted his punchlines like around his one liners around Henny holding his violin.

1:25:11and he used to sit in the dining room at the New York Friars, and Henny in his wheelchair would sit under that painting. And for some reason it's all up for auction, so of course I had to grab it. Oh, that's awesome. That's so cool that you got it. Yeah. That's amazing. I miss some of those guys. I was thinking about Buddy Hackett. I almost wore a Buddy Hackett t-shirt today. I loved Buddy Hackett. He has a Buddy Hackett t-shirt? Somebody made me a Buddy Hackett t-shirt and gave it to me. Yeah, those guys are from a different time, you know? Different time, no television, no nothing, doing the Catskills.

1:25:43Right. Different world. They would do each other's acts. They would do whatever got a laugh. Yeah. They were assassins on the road. It was a totally different life. And if you had a name, like you had a name back then, like if you were a famous comedian back then, there was the rarest of rare things. Yeah. How many of them were there? There was like 10. Right. You know? Shecky, Buddy, Nipsey. Yeah, a few of those guys. Yeah. Few of those guys. There are not many left. No. They're really all gone now. Yeah. That's what happens. That's going to happen to us, buddy. That's what I hear. Better than the alternative.

1:26:20What, stay around forever? No. You either keep going or you saw the picture, Gilbert, Norm, Bob. The alternative is death. So when I go, I don't want to get old, I go, yeah, you want to get old. Yeah. As long as you keep your body moving. You just don't want to be an old, like, completely incapacitated person. Like, that's, especially if it's avoidable. Right. You know what I mean? I went through it all year. I went in for a, three weeks after that Brady roast, I had a, went in for a colonoscopy. My buddy Jordan had been texting our text chain. Everyone's got to get, he's like kind of a hypochondriac, so I kind of ignored it.

1:27:03It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was too busy. I was on the road, and then finally I went in for a routine colonoscopy, and I waited too long, and they found a tumor in my colon. And immediately, an hour, two hours later, was on the phone with a surgeon. And stage three. And found a specialist, took care of it right away, but never felt doomed. Have you changed your diet after that? Yeah, I'm eating a lot less red meat. Red meat? Now when I eat red meat, it's like going to be the best red meat. Why is it red meat? I don't know. I mean, for me growing up in a catering hall in New Jersey around pastrami and prime rib, and he said that that was a big cause of colon cancer.

1:27:51Really? Yeah. And processed foods. Processed foods makes sense. Yeah. That makes sense. So I'm eating a lot less of that. Yeah. I moved over to turkey and chicken and a little bit of fish. And cut out the processed stuff? As much as I can. What about alcohol? I've never been a big drinker that's good yeah it's a little wake up call when you have a health scare a little wake up call time to take care of yourself I just had the talk about this in my show I had my chemo port in on Broadway on the show and I was like still kind of in it I was having a human experience on stage and just two weeks ago I had the port the chemo port taken out My sister came down to celebrate and hang with me.

1:28:38And it's like a war prize. Like I hold the port where they put the chemo. Like I have it on my desk now. And let's just say they put a lot more in people than they take out. So I feel very lucky. I survived it all. Yeah, I'm glad you're alive, dude. People die with those fucking ports in them. They do. Well, they die with cancer. That's for damn sure. Colon cancer is a very common one. This guy, James Vanderbeek, younger than me. I know. I met him. He was a nice fucking guy, man. He came to the club, hung out with his wife in the green room. Sweetest guy. Just such a nice guy. And apparently he was struggling back then.

1:29:15I didn't know. He looked real thin, you know? So when you asked me right when you walked in, how are you doing? I was like, great. You know, like it was a pointed question. And you asked politely and innocently. And I was like. Yeah, I didn't know that you had gone through that. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't seen you in when. When was the last time I saw you? I saw you in D.C. I saw you in New York for Kill Tony. Briefly. Yeah, yeah, briefly. We didn't, like, sit down and shoot the shit. No, no, we had a drink. Was it your birthday in New York when you were doing Kill Tony? Or was it here? New York. I think it was in New York.

1:29:52Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. But then I saw you in D.C. when you were with your family. It was quick. but uh i see i feel like i see you because i pop into the mothership but i always pop in on the weekends when you're off yeah but uh yeah it was a crazy thing man i never been sick a day in my life i've always had that like my grandfather used to call it world beater energy like i always felt invincible never never thought for a second it would be me yeah and then i did wait too long to get a colonoscopy. And they're not a big deal. Like, guys are afraid of colonoscopies because...

1:30:27Because something's up your butt. Yeah, but in the end, it really isn't up your butt. It's a doctor checking you out. That's what they tell you when you wake up. They go up your butt, bro. And get the endoscopy, especially for smokers and stuff like that. And, like, for what is essentially, like, a one-day inconvenience. They can really save your life. It did save my life. Well, I'm glad you cleaned up your diet. Yeah. You know, you got to do that because I know that you are, I mean, I've run into you at Cat's Deli before too. That's another thing I needed to talk to you about. What? I forgot all about this until you brought it up.

1:31:06Do you remember running into me at Cat's Deli with Tony? I guess you must have been in town doing stand-up or something. This was like already 10 years ago. I don't think it was that long ago, was it? It was, and I'll tell you how I know. And one of the things when I got booked on this appearance, I said, I make a mental note. I owe Rogan an apology. And it's not a big deal, but it always kind of bugged me.

1:31:37I came in to say hi, and I was self-conscious because I had something wrong with me, and I didn't know what it was. And you said, what's with your eyebrows? and I like I like I like kind of shoulder shrugged and you were like is it for a roll and I was like yeah yeah yeah oh do you have any recollection I do I lied yeah because I was said I shaved him off for a roll I was like oh that's crazy what are you playing I was embarrassed because I had alopecia didn't really understand what was happening to me yet and I you saw the I had a Big fro, big bushy eyebrows. I was like the Propecia man of the year.

1:32:28And I don't know what causes it. It's an autoimmune thing. It's not life-threatening. But suddenly I looked completely different. My fame, like if anyone ever recognized me, walk into a restaurant, get a good table, skip the line. It was all gone. Just suddenly and within a few weeks, I was, I remember being at Zany's in Nashville and just scratching my head and like a big clump of hair came out. And I was on a plane and I was like, there's no hair on my leg. What the fuck's going on? And then within a month, me and Adam Egat and Tony went to the barbershop on Melrose. They came with me because I was kind of like shaking up.

1:33:11Like, what is happening to me? Am I dying? So it happened really quickly? It happens all within a few weeks. All your hair fell off within a few weeks. And then when I thought it was done, eyebrows started going. And then eyelashes. So sweat, salt. I was like, what the fuck? I didn't even recognize myself. Is there anything they do that reverses that? There's some medications. Dr. Drew actually hooked me up with a research doctor, Brett King he was at Yale at the time in Connecticut and I did have some restoration of eyelashes and eyebrows but the the side effects were a little bit scary and and they lower your immune system a little bit so I did that for years and then when I got cancer I was like fuck those meds I can't do it anymore and the chemo eyebrows, eyelashes, gone again.

1:34:14Wow. And now I'm literally like hairless. Like I have no hair. And, you know, you learn to live with it. You know, you got to channel your inner rock star. Listen, there's worse things that can happen. Believe me, I get it. You know. Right. More than anybody. But it always dinged me because you and I have been friends a long time. We have an honest friendship. comics, brutal honesty, truth. And I looked you right in the eyes, and I was like, yeah, yeah. I went with it. I found out slightly after that that you had alopecia from other people because someone else brought it up, and someone said, oh, he's got alopecia.

1:34:57And I'm like, oh. I asked him at Cat's Deli, and he said he shaved his eyebrows off for a roll. But I just felt like you're probably embarrassed, and I totally understood. Like, it's weird. They say a lot of these autoimmune issues come from inflammation. And a lot of inflammation comes from what you eat. Right. A doctor would tell me that wasn't true. Yeah, doctors aren't always right. And one of the things they're not always right about is nutrition and the impact that nutrition has, particularly on autoimmune issues. Very few doctors have any knowledge or any education in nutrition and the impact it has.

1:35:31I mean, your entire body is built out of and reconstructed from what you consume. That's the only thing that your body has. In order to, your body makes new cells, your body replenishes cells, recreates all the tissue. There's only one way to do it. It's got to be what you eat. It's the only thing. What you drink, what you eat. That's it. And if you're eating a bunch of processed stuff that has a bunch of bullshit and preservatives and dealing with inflammation. What causes inflammation? Well, a lot of things. Allergies cause inflammation. Processed food cause inflammation. Excess sugar causes inflammation.

1:36:04Alcohol. There's a lot of things that people eat that cause inflammation. But it's really genuinely a thing of a balance of your diet and what your body has to work with. If your body doesn't have any nutrients to work with, no vitamins, no minerals, you're dehydrated, you're drinking too much sugar, things start malfunctioning and misfiring. And then there's a bunch of different consequences for having a high-inflammation diet. And for a lot of people, it's sugar. Sugar is one of the leading causes of inflammation, especially in the standard American diet, because the standard American diet is just riddled with excess sugar, corn syrup and bullshit and preservatives.

1:36:52And your body just after a while just gets tired of processing that stuff. And then you start encountering a bunch of issues. and I know there's a lot of autoimmune issues that people have had success in reversing by completely cutting out everything other than whole foods. Just eating chicken and meat and vegetables and drinking water and that's it. Cutting out all the bullshit. Yeah, I got to do better. Have you ever gotten blood work done? Well, now I have to do it all the time. Do you? Do you ever get blood work done from like a comprehensive laboratory that's looking at your nutrient levels and all those different things?

1:37:29I don't know if I've done that. We should do that. There's a place in town, Ways to Well. I'll send you there. Yeah. Yeah, they're really good. I mean, they do. They take a shitload of blood, and they do these really comprehensive blood panels. They can scan for cancer, too, by the way. Well, that I've done. Yeah, that's a big one, you know, because they can check for any kind of cancer in your body. Well, now that I'm through all that, I'm much more open to taking care of myself and staying on it. The fear is gone. The first time I did that one, I was like, cancer's a scary one. And I was like, boy, I hope I don't have cancer.

1:38:01I don't know about it. When it came out zero, I was like, whew. But I do so much to take care of myself. I do the sauna every day, cold plunge. I take a ton of vitamins. I'm always exercising. I eat probably like 99 % clean. Every now and then I'll fuck off. Or if my daughter makes cookies, I'll eat cookies. But for the most part, I give my body. What kind of cookies? She's really good. She makes a bunch of different stuff. Today was white chocolate chip cookies. They were really good. So good. I had one this morning. But for the most part, your body can only use what you put in it. There's no other building blocks.

1:38:38It doesn't have anything else. There's nothing else it can draw from. And that's one of the problems is when you don't give your body what it needs, it starts taking things out of the tissue. It starts taking things, and that's where osteoporosis comes from. Your body starts literally taking calcium out of your bones. You've got to give your body the building blocks. Without that, it doesn't know what the fuck to do. And slowly but surely, you start to deteriorate. And there's a giant difference between giving your body a nutrient-dense, healthy diet and not. And taking care of yourself and exercising and not.

1:39:11And drinking much water and electrolytes and not. There's a giant difference. And it's all, your body just cannot recreate itself correctly. It cannot build itself and repair itself correctly unless it gets the proper nutrients. That's where a lot of people's issues come from. And doctors don't tell you that. Like I had a family member that got real sick and the doctor said they got cancer. And the doctor said it doesn't matter what you eat. I go, well, fuck that doctor. Right. That's not true. I don't believe that anymore. This doctor is telling you you could eat cake and just take chemo and you'll be fine.

1:39:43That's horseshit. That's not true. That's not true. Because they should – one of the things they should tell you immediately is get on a ketogenic diet. Because one of the things that has been proven is that cancer uses glucose to survive. and you know autophagy which comes from fasting is one of the best ways that people can get rid of errant cells and cells that are you know misfiring make your body burn off fat use ketones for energy and and just get rid of all the dead cells give her all the shit that your body doesn't need and even you want to do that do intermittent fasting you know where you only have a period of time where you eat.

1:40:23Like give yourself like a 16 hour window with no food and then start eating after that. How do you keep your, how do you not be cranky and lose your mind doing that? Because your body's relying on carbohydrates, right? So when your body is not relying on carbohydrates and your body's burning off ketones, you don't have that problem. You don't have that crashing problem. The crashing problem is from a high carbohydrate diet. And I've had that before. Look, I'm Italian, so it's carbohydrates was my thing. It was all about pasta and pizza. I love that stuff. I just love it. And that's my cheat food.

1:40:58If I'm going to cheat, I'm going to eat Italian subs and that kind of shit. But when your body gets accustomed to that, first of all, you get a big insulin spike. You crash. You get exhausted. The way to avoid that is to get your body to start using fats. And the way your body uses fats is that you give it for fuel. Your body adjusts. And then your body does something called gluconeogenesis where it starts using meat and protein and turning that into glucose. And when you go through this process, it's a shaky process at first. Like you get what they call the keto flu initially, where you get tired all the time.

1:41:36You're like, oh, this is exhausting. And your workouts suffer. It's like you have no energy. But eventually your body adapts and your body just gets accustomed to using fats. and when your body gets fat adapted, first of all, your brain works better. You get an extra gear in terms of like your ability to think and communicate and it just feels like you have more energy. You don't need naps and you don't crash after you eat. That's why when you're saying like you shouldn't eat red meat, I eat mostly red meat. That's like most of my diet. That's like 80 % of my diet is meat. I mean it's an addiction for me.

1:42:09I don't think it's an addiction. I think it's the most nutrient-dense food in the world. The problem is processed red meat, right? So if you're eating a bunch of processed shit that has a bunch of preservatives in it, yeah, that's not good for you. But like a ribeye steak, a grilled ribeye steak, there is nothing wrong with that. It's one of the most healthy foods you can eat. And it has everything you need. It has plenty of vitamins. It has fat. It has all the things that your body naturally knows how to process. And people have been eating that food from the beginning of time. yeah you just got to get educated in it and it's like most people especially particularly most doctors i've had conversations with doctors where they've said you get everything you need from a balanced diet and i'm like fuck you you don't know anything like how much time did you spend in medical school learning nutrition was it even an hour was it a day like it takes a long time And there's real researchers who have spent decades understanding the balance of nutrient-dense foods and vitamin supplementation and what vitamin supplementation can cure and fix and what it's good for and how to balance it out and what vitamins work synergistically with other vitamins.

1:43:23Like if you're taking vitamin D3, which is fantastic for your immune system, you have to take it with K2. You should take it with magnesium as well. You've got to know these things. and most doctors they just they talk out of a they talk out of a voice of authority about something they're not educated in they're educated in getting people in and out of their office as quick as possible and getting that insurance money and that's what they do and most of them they talk like they're their authorities meanwhile they have a gut you're sitting there looking at this guy who looks like shit he's telling you about health like bro you're not healthy don't talk to me about health this is angry it makes me angry it really does i get it it's it's infuriating because it's like these people, you count on them as authorities, and really they're just paying off their student debt.

1:44:07They're paying off their fucking loans. They have insane malpractice insurance they have to cover. They have a giant monthly nut, and they're trying to push pharmaceutical drugs on you as much as they can because they get compensated for that, and that's what they do. And this is the standard American health system. It's a real problem. It's a real problem, and it leaves us sicker. This is the thing that RFK Jr. is trying to balance. We spend more money on health care than anyone in the world. We make more money than anyone in the world, and we're sicker than anyone in the world. We spend more money than we ever have on health care.

1:44:39We're sicker than we've ever been. We're living the life. We're eating well. It's not it. We're eating shit. If we're just eating healthy, the people that are just eating healthy have way less problems, way less health consequences, way less issues, way more energy, way more mental acuity. All those things because that's how your body is supposed to live. For thousands and thousands of years, what did we do? We ate fruit. We ate vegetables. We ate meat and chicken and fish and eggs. And that's what you're supposed to eat. That's real food. Most of these things that sit on a shelf, you're not supposed to eat those.

1:45:15Just like your dog. Your dog's not supposed to be eating kibble. You know? Feed your dog raw food, your dog's going to go bonkers. Feed your dog human-grade food like farmer's dog, your dog will go crazy. Watch how she eats it. Watch the difference of the weight. I'll try it. My dog can't wait. He's dripping, water's dripping off of his mouth before I feed him. He's like sitting there waiting, like, stay. And I'm putting it in the bowl. Okay. He like attacks it. Jamie, you were saying that about your dog, right? Carl, like when he was eating kibble, he wasn't even interested. Yeah. I mean, I never had a chance to even give it to him.

1:45:53He never ate it. You just sit there and I'm like, well, how do you – who's been feeding you? What have they been eating? How did they get in your body? I always give my dog – when I give her like turkey, you know, putting it – sometimes if I have turkey or chicken around, I'll put it in her bowl. I always give her – you know, like at Cats' Deli, when you order the sandwich, they give you a little piece before – Yeah. I always give her a little piece to get her salivating. And she snaps it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because it's real food. Right. That's what people are supposed to be eating too, man.

1:46:24We're supposed to be eating real food. You know? We got tricked. Because things have to stay in the supermarket. You got to be able to sit it on the shelf and it's got to be able to stay there for a few months. That's how you make your profit. That's why milk is homogenized and pasteurized and I'll try to scare you off raw milk. Bitch, I drink raw milk every week. There's nothing wrong with raw milk. You just can't get it from a shitty farm. Just like you can't get meat that's rotten. Just like you can't get sushi that's rotten. I eat ice cream every day. How bad is that for me? Ice cream is actually not that bad.

1:46:55Ice cream, when you think about bad things to eat, ice cream is probably one of the best desserts to eat because ice cream has fats from the cream. It has protein from the milk and it does have sugar. So you got a little bit of sugar, but you're absorbing that sugar along with all the fat and all the cream. and it probably is way better for you. It's way better for you than sugar, like drinking like a soda. Like a soda is the most alien form of sugar your body absorbs. Your body doesn't know what the fuck this is because sugar in nature comes from like an orange. It has all this fiber, you know, and you're eating it and it's a slow digestive process.

1:47:43That's why you don't get this crazy spike. But orange juice is fucking nuts. Like you take all the fiber out and now you just have just pure sugar water and you think you're being healthy. Well, you're not. Okay, look, you get a little bit of vitamins from the vitamin C that's from the oranges. But you're not supposed to eat it that way. You're supposed to eat an orange. Right. Like apple juice. Right. Like my daughter's very conscious of like food and like what's in it. And we went to a supermarket and she was going to get an apple juice. She's like, this has 30 grams of sugar. This little thing had 30 grams of sugar.

1:48:17Like, that's crazy. That's just, you're just, you might as well have a Coca-Cola. Right. It's kind of the same thing. Yeah. Your body, like, I think there was some paper that was written recently about ice cream actually being good for you. And by far the best of desserts that you can eat. Because it's milk and cream, you know? It's like there's actual food in ice cream. I crave it every night. Ice cream not that bad. Look at this. Can ice cream be healthy? What recent studies actually show. Recent research has sparked debate about ice cream's place in a balanced diet. By examining long-term health studies, scientists are exploring whether moderate consumption may have unexpected links to certain health outcomes.

1:49:01So ice cream has long been regarded as classic indulgence rather than a healthy food. The discussion largely emerged. However, in recent times, some surprising research has sparked the debate among nutrition scientists by saying that consumption of ice cream may be related to certain unpredictable health outcomes. The discussion largely emerged from data analyzed in long-running research projects such as Nurses Health Study and Health Professional Follow-Up Study, two major epidemiological studies that track diet and health outcomes over decades. Research examined dietary patterns among participants with type 2 diabetes, noticed unusual pattern related to ice cream consumption.

1:49:38Discussion earned. Okay. What is the discussion?

1:49:44Consuming ice cream more regularly sometimes appear to have lower risks of certain health conditions, especially cardiovascular disease amongst individuals of type 2 diabetes. The problem is with epidemiological studies, you're just basically like filling out a form as to what you ate. And they track that with like large study groups of people and they try to figure out, okay, that's one of the ways they find out like, oh, the people that eat red meat more are sicker. But that's also like, what are you eating? You eating burgers that you call red meat with sugar with a Coca-Cola and some fries?

1:50:18Because that's what a lot of people are eating. Right. So it's not like grass-fed steak with a salad. You know, that's not the problem. Remember Craig who came in here? Craig from Craigs? He told me to say hi. I love Craig. He said steak, and I thought about steak. Oh, he makes a great steak. That was my joke when I got colon cancer. I told Craig, you're going to go out of business if I'm not eating your steak. I don't think you have to stop eating steak. I mean, I'm no doctor, but I don't think steak's the problem. I think all the other shit's the problem. I think it's preservatives and bullshit and processed food.

1:50:50It's just not good for you, man. None of it's good for you. If you could sit on a shelf like that, it has all these preservatives. That stuff wrecks havoc on your gut bacteria. When you're consuming things that are filled with preservatives, those preservatives are essentially killing life. That's what they do. That's how it keeps bacteria and mold from growing on the food. It's a life killer. And then you eat it, go, oh, yum, yum, yum. Oh, it's preserved so I can eat it. I mean, your healthy gut bacteria just gets fucking nuked. Yeah, I don't think meat is the problem. You know, I was on a USO Christmas tour, and I ate worse on that than I would.

1:51:39And I go, how are they? Yeah. That's something they should fix. That is something. They're trying to fix that. RFK Jr. is trying to fix that. It's like eating ice cream and shakes and burgers and pizza at every base. Yeah, it's a lot of processed food. Yeah, it's terrible food for those soldiers. It's terrible. And then you're asking them to go to perform in the most fucking scary thing on earth, combat. So it made me think, well, maybe it's all bullshit. If the military is eating the same pizza and pepperoni that I'm eating at home, then they should be more. No, what's bullshit is the way they treat those people.

1:52:16That's what's bullshit. What's bullshit is the way they take care of them. That's what's bullshit. What's bullshit is the consideration they give to the diet of these people. Right. You're asking these people to make the ultimate sacrifice. That's what I'm saying. You're giving them prison food. That's what's bullshit. Right. Yeah. Diet's not bullshit. Diet's everything. It is literally everything. Like I said, your body has nothing else, nothing else that it can build itself up with. other than nutrients. That's all it has. You consume it. If you don't, you starve to death, right? If you don't eat, you starve to death.

1:52:51So in order for your body to take care of itself, what are you giving it? It's that simple. You drink a lot of water? A lot of water, yeah. You still drink a lot of coffee? I drink less. I've been drinking coffee later in the day now. I've been going through my day and not drinking my first cup of coffee until noon now. I've been doing that a lot lately. You don't need it in the morning to get going? Sometimes I feel like I do. I enjoy it. I indulge if I enjoy it. But I don't like relying on things. I don't like having to do things. I don't ever want to have that feeling. So lately I've been like, and I've gone days without coffee just to see what that feels like.

1:53:30Sometimes I feel a little sluggish. But there's ways you can avoid that too. Like I'll take nootropics, which is brain nutrients, you know, theanine and acetylcholine and a bunch of different things. like there's alpha brain that stuff pumps my brain up and fires it up it's just you get addicted to caffeine caffeine is very very addictive and I feel like if I can get my day going without it it's probably better yeah I drink a lot less but I see what you're saying I love it though oh it's great I love a cup of coffee I love it I landed yesterday Austin airport like I needed a coffee so bad I'd been out partying the night before early flight I land and you just want a cup of coffee before you even start seeing your texts because you don't want to deal.

1:54:16And it's like the first place I go to, it's like there's a long line. I finally get there and it's like it's a kiosk. And I'm like, I can't kiosk. I need to just tell someone to put coffee in a cup and hand it to me. And I go to another place and it's like they charge me and then they hand me a cup and go fill it. And I walk away. I just can't. I get so freaking cranky. And I go to the third place finally, and it's just like they give you a cup of coffee. The kiosk and the no employees, it all makes me so mad. I want to talk to somebody. Oh, okay. I don't like filling out a computer when I want something.

1:54:55I rarely go to coffee places because I drink black coffee. And black coffee at Starbucks tastes like dog shit. Right. It's all burnt and tastes terrible. It's just not good. I could drink any coffee. You could take old coffee, put it in a microwave, and it's the same to me as an espresso that you're making. Oh, I like this. See, this is French press. What is that? Black rifle coffee. You want some? Yeah. Get in there, dog. That's good coffee. That's real coffee, son. Thank you. That's coffee. Cheers. Taste that. Cheers. So here's another problem. That's good. That's not bad, right? If you get coffee from Starbucks, you're getting it in a paper cup.

1:55:39And if you get it in a paper cup, it's not paper you're drinking out of. It's plastic because the inner lining of those paper cups is basically like a condom. Right. Ever seen when they break it down? Yeah. Well, if you add hot liquid to plastic, that plastic leaches chemicals into your body that are not good for you. They're called forever chemicals. It's terrible for you. So like every time you drink a hot liquid that's in a paper cup, you're sucking on plastic residue. That's gross. We're gross. There's a lot of things that are gross about the American lifestyle. I mean, if you get coffee from Starbucks or something like that, ideally you should bring your own cup.

1:56:22Bring a mug. Bring, you know, like a little one of those little Yetis, you know, so it's like pouring right into stainless steel. That's how you're supposed to drink it. But who does that? Who brings a little stainless steel? Not me. Yeti with them everywhere. Nobody. Not me. Nobody. But if you did that, you'd get a lot less of these fucking microplastics in your gut. It'd also wreak havoc on your body, destroy your immune system, destroy your endocrine system. They're endocrine disruptors, so it stops your body from producing hormones naturally, which also can lead to a host of different diseases.

1:56:56Makes me think maybe Charlie Sheen was right after all. Crack smoking crack while getting a blowjob. Yeah, that's how to do it You don't think he was worried about the plastics in the pipe Well, there's certain dudes that are built different and they get I mean a lot of people that did what Charlie did would have already been Dead a long time ago. He's resilient.

1:57:16I Do hope somebody Puts him in a big movie. I like your idea. I like a good comeback story. Maybe he's due for another roast

1:57:28It'll be hard now. He's all clean and sober. It's like, what did you do 20 years ago? It's like, yeah. But now he's kind of doing all right. He looks good. He looks healthy. He looked a lot better than I thought he was going to look. It doesn't look like a guy who's went through 25 years of crack. And he was sick. Mm-hmm. And what did he have? HIV. Oh, yeah. HIV is weird. That's a weird one. because with the medication they have now, you don't really, you're not even testing positive, but they just tell you you have it no matter what. It's dormant, which doesn't totally make sense. There was a guy named Peter Duisberg that I had on my show a long time ago, and he was a professor out of the University of California, Berkeley, and just brilliant, brilliant guy, groundbreaking work on cancer, but he had a very controversial take on HIV.

1:58:23And his take was he didn't believe that HIV is what caused AIDS. He said the fact that you have HIV is because your immune system is so severely compromised that HIV shows up. That was his take on it. And he was ostracized. You got to realize, like, during the AIDS crisis, do you know who was the guy that was in charge of the medical establishment in this country? Anthony motherfucking Fauci. Same guy. and that guy had everybody convinced that we're all going to get AIDS and we're all going to die and y 'all have to take this medication and one of the medications they gave people was AZT problem with AZT was AZT was a chemotherapy medication and it was killing people quicker than cancer was so they stopped using it they repurposed it when AIDS came along and they started giving it to AIDS people because they didn't have to go through this whole process of like getting a drug certified, getting a drug to go through the FDA and they already had a drug.

1:59:21So they said, well, this drug, this will be the drug we use for AIDS. But it fucking killed everybody they put on it. Killed tons and tons of people. When they stopped using AZT, people stopped dying. You know, that's what Dallas Buyers Club was all about. It was all about them trying, that movie with Matthew McConaughey, it was all about them trying to find alternative cures. Alternative medications and being able to access alternative medications. He wanted everybody to use AZT. And he was like, AZT, the reason why they use it, it's the only drug that is both safe and effective. It's literally what he said back then in the fucking 80s.

1:59:58And that's the same guy that sold us his bag of bullshit with the COVID origins and whether or not it was gain-of-function research that caused it. He's just a creepy fucking guy. We never really got answers on any of this. We will. It'll take time, but we will, and he'll probably be gone by the time it's publicly understood. But if you read RFK Jr.'s book, The Real Anthony Fauci, it'll open your mind. It'll open your eyes. He talks about how they were testing out in the 1980s. They were testing out HIV vaccines on foster kids in New York and killing them. Jesus. Yeah. They tested it out on foster kids.

2:00:40Yeah, it's real. If it wasn't real, he would have been sued. He hasn't been sued for it. Wow. It's a dark book, dude. The real Anthony Fauci, I can't recommend it enough. It's a fucking terrifying book. But that's the same guy that was a part of the AIDS thing. The movie's going to be weird. Who would play Anthony Fauci in a movie? Maybe Martin Short. I think it's another Sean Penn tour de force. Sean Penn was all about the vaccine. Do you miss acting? Not even a little. I was thinking about that the other day. You really were in this whole other world, Joe. Call times, makeup, lines, blocking.

2:01:22Well, I enjoyed working on news radio. And it was very, I felt insanely fortunate to be able to work with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley and all those people on that show. Stephen Root, Maura Tierney. So many funny people. Andy Dick. It was incredible. Candy Alexander. It was an incredible cast of people. I mean, I felt super, super lucky. But once it was over, I'm like, I don't think I'll ever be able to recreate that because that was, like, optimal. And I had been on a couple other shows as a guest. I didn't like it. And I was like, this is not what I like. I only did it for money, you know. It's not my thing.

2:01:59And it's a long process, dude. Sitcom hours are, you know, especially in the beginning days. It was, like, 12, 16-hour days. Who wrote that show? Paul Sims and a bunch of other writers. But he was from the Larry Sanders show. And he did Bardwock Empire after that and a bunch of other stuff. Brilliant guy. But that show was just like they caught lightning in a bottle. I got so lucky to be a part of that show. And I'm like, I could never be on a shitty sitcom after that. I couldn't be on some fucking sloppy canned horse shit show. You went highbrow with Fear Factor. Well, I took that because there was no actors.

2:02:43First of all, I took Fear Factor because I thought it was going to be canceled. I thought this was going to give me a lot of material. It was like Radford ever. 148 episodes. Yeah, it was nuts. Have you seen the new one? No, I haven't. But Johnny came on. Johnny Knoxville came on to do it. I didn't see the Ludacris one either. But how long did Ludacris do it for? I don't know. I didn't even know that until now. Yeah, Ludacris did it, I think. Was it on MTV, Jamie? me i think he did it on mtv mtv did it for a little while i think he did it for i don't know how long but i love johnny johnny knoxville he's a great guy he's the best a true gentleman sweetheart of a guy and i love him so much i hope it does well you know i hope they don't hurt anybody that's the problem like when fear factor came back on nbc um when we came back in 2011 and we only did six episodes they were really trying to make it bigger and better i was like jesus christ we're gonna fucking kill somebody right it felt like it it felt like when it was canceled i was happy i was like fuck this you were done yeah well it got canceled because they had a drink come do you know that no you don't know that what yeah oh yeah yeah they played horseshoes to drink donkey come we're still talking about andy dick at news radio no no we're talking about fear factor now Andy only drank people cum He's a gentleman But yeah That happened and that's what got the show cancelled But it was because They were just trying to make it As outrageous as possible It was like the early, you were right at the beginning of that crazy This is it, fear factor Donkey juice This is it They had to play horseshoes And they drank donkey piss and donkey cum There was three sets of twins and one twin had a drink to come.

2:04:31Look at that. That's a mug. Oh, come. Oh, my gosh. It's so foul. Wow. Yeah, so TMZ, I think, got a hold of the clip or images and said that Fear Factor was doing this, and it never aired in the United States, but it aired overseas. It aired somewhere in Europe. I want to say the Netherlands or Denmark or some shit. Wow. Yeah. Now you survived. Good times. Good times. Now you're drinking delicious coffee and you're palatial. Hanging out with you, Jeff Ross. I love it, man. Dude, I've known you since you were Jeff Lipschitz. I've known you since your best joke, which was never trust a hooker with a walkie-talkie.

2:05:12You go, I learned. You were like 25, but you're like, I've learned a lot of things in my life. Yeah. I never trust a hooker with a walkie-talkie. Was that the joke? No, it was I went to college for three years. You know what I learned? How'd it go? Don't trust hookers with walkie-talkies? I don't know. You know me since Jeff Lipschulz. By the way, I'm still Jeff Lipschulz. My ID, my passport. Maybe you shouldn't tell everybody. It's all right. We should have hid that. Why did you change it to Ross? What year was that? Oh, I can tell you. What happened was I got booked on Star Search down in Florida.

2:05:51Like my first time on TV. You know, we were all starting to get like on MTV and Star Search. those shows were coming around and I go down to Orlando where they were shooting it back then and um Ed McMahon was the host and he kept introducing me by fucking up my art this week's challenger Jeff Lipschitz and I'd walk out and I it would screw me up you know then the next I'd won and then the next day it's like this week's challenger you know life shots you know he would just screw it up every time and on the flight home i was like i either have to if i i really love comedy i was like two years in i go let me think about this ross is my middle name john stewart was john leibovitz and he had told me he he did it for the similar reasons of like no one can if i asked you to spell lifshultz right now even you couldn't and you'd know me 35 years.

2:06:50Right. So I was like, all right, either I'm going to have to change my name or my whole family is going to, I don't know what to do. So Ross, it just made sense. It's easy. Yeah. Yeah, it's easy. Jeff Ross. What was Ed McMahon like? You know. Did you ever hang out with him? I shook his hand and that was the end of it. I didn't get to know him very well. I heard he was an animal. I heard he drank a lot. Yeah. But then I made some joke like that and people got mad at me online going, don't disrespect Ed McMahon. Was he gone? by the time you made that joke? Yeah, it was recently because they rebooted Star Search just now.

2:07:24Fuck people online. You can't listen to them. Oh, dude, that's another thing Saget taught me, Bob Saget, like block the haters. Like, you know, we would argue about this because like he would block people and I go, well, then they know you saw it. Just ignore them. Let them float out to sea. He goes, no. He goes, no, I want them to know that they're blocked. He goes, and I don't want them following me. I don't want to say funny things to people who say mean things. He valued himself. I say don't read the comments. I say don't even pay attention. Let them exist in the ether. Well, you're off social right now.

2:08:03Yeah. You told me. Yeah, I post things, but I post and ghost. That's what I tell people. Post and ghost. Just post things. It's like people know about stuff or something's interesting. Someone sends you something interesting. Like, oh, people should know about this. Right. That's it. Get out. I got better instead of using social media. Like, Seth Green is my neighbor, good buddy of mine, the actor. And he started doing this during the pandemic. Instead of texting or liking people's stuff, he FaceTimes. It takes longer, but he's like, it's a real connection. Oh, okay. So he'll FaceTime me and talk to me, just even if it's for a minute.

2:08:41What if you have an Android phone? Then you're fucked. and my friend Benji Aflalo goes he quotes Brody all the time he'll just he'll text me emojis positive and a check positive check in he would just positive check in positive energy positive check in he was so fun here's another guy on my fucking contact list that's gone that I missed I almost wore my Brody t-shirt today I was thinking about him a lot lately enjoy it Enjoy it. Has there ever been a comedian who's been less famous but more? His cadence has been more remembered. It's almost like him and Dangerfield have the most memorable deliveries of all time.

2:09:25Especially for us. Brody Stevens, I don't know if people know. For the guys who were around him, he was just such a unique dude. He would show up at the comedy store and pull into the lot. Everybody would smile. When I first met him, I really, truly hated him. I really hate him. It was literally like the mid-'90s, Joe, like in New York. And I can't believe I haven't thought about this in so long. The show that, it's so funny. The show that's coming out tonight, I started developing 30 years ago. My grandfather died. I live with my grandfather. And it was like a way to, like, process it. And it was emotional.

2:10:08and I was doing it at little alternative comedy spaces in New York and I didn't know Brody. And Brody would sit in the front. He was obsessed with it because I was like talking about stuff that hit for him somehow. And he would sit in the front, but he would like over laugh or twitch around at a seat. So then, you know, I'm developing this like one-man show. It's like different than stand-up. And he's like he would want to talk to me about it and he would say like weird things that kind of threw me off. You know, he would notice the differences. And I said, listen, man, HBO's coming to see it next week.

2:10:49Could you just not be in the audience? He goes, oh, okay, I understand. I'm the guy who bothers you. You don't like me. I get that. I go, no, it's not that, man. It's just that like you're like— Brody, 818 till I die. You're distracting me, and I'm not like, you know, I was only doing comedy a few years. So then HBO comes and Brody, I walk on stage and Brody's in the front row. So afterwards I go, dude, what the fuck is your problem? I told you not to be. He's like, there were no other seats. I couldn't miss it. And our friendship grew where we both moved out to LA and we became such good friends that I had a Comedy Central show.

2:11:31He was the warmup. I had to have him around me all the time. I felt safer and better. I think we both grew from like... I was a model in Pakistan. Cover of Camel Beat magazine. I dated an amputee. We met on StubHub. What was the one about the Nickelback tour jacket? I was at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I saw the Nickelback tour. It was in The Lost and Found, but still. I love Brody. Look up Brody Stevens. Yeah. I heard you talking about him the other day, about his friendship with Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. Were you there when they did the memorial at the comedy store? No. No. That had a good line.

2:12:19I don't like those things. I was backstage, and Brody's college baseball coach, high school baseball coach, and all his friends all spoke for like an hour. And then they bring me out and I go, after hearing all Brody's friends talk for an hour, I'm starting to understand why he killed himself.

2:12:40That's why I don't like those things. It was beautiful. I prefer to mourn people solo. It was beautiful, actually. Well, Brody was a beautiful guy. That's our world. We got to remember these guys. I know we do. Well, you know, one of the good things about podcasts is like the world gets to understand a lot of these people and hear us talk about a lot of these people. I think our world is more understood now in this day and age with the podcast world than I think it's ever been known before. More criticized, but that's part of the process of it. That's normal. But also more understood. People get it.

2:13:16They get it. It's a weird art form. I remember when you had Gilbert Gottfried on. That was great. Gilbert was awesome. I don't think he fully understood what was happening here, but I remember really enjoying your interview with Gilbert. What do you mean you don't think he understood? He'd done stern. He'd done open-and-air. But he... This is... Stern is fast and jumping in. You know, like, impressions. This is more of a conversation, which Gilbert, in his spectrum-y thing, you know, it's tough. A lot of yes and no answers. I thought he was great. Yeah, that was great. But I loved him, you know, and he knew I loved him.

2:13:53I was always a giant fan of his, so it was like... I think it was pretty easy. I wear a Gilbert Gottfried shirt in the special. That's cool. Ultimate tribute. He was a sweetheart. Such a sweet guy. So fucking funny, too. God damn, that guy was funny. I used to love watching his sets in New York. The best. Especially, like, in the 90s where no one knew who he was. Like, oh, my God. He's such a killer. One of his last times on stage, I was at an improv in Florida, and he came with his family, and he came on as a surprise guest. he walked out and he told this long crazy joke about skull fucking his dead grandma

2:14:35so at his funeral at his funeral like a year and a half later i said gilbert's comedy was fearless and ruthless and subversive yet he was so lovable that he could get us to laugh at a joke about skull fucking a dead person and then i looked at his coffin and i said not so funny now huh gilbert so i love gilbert we've had the very unique opportunity to be around some really truly exceptional people rare rare human beings you know and so many of them you know we're so rich in our associations with so many completely unusual people you know here's one more gilbert story okay one time we were roasting joan rivers i was producing it and i booked gilbert and I'm on the phone, I'm smoking a joint and I go, I got one joke I like but I can't do it.

2:15:28He goes, what is it? I go, well, you know, like Kanye West's mom had recently died during a plastic surgery procedure. It was the background. And I go, Joan Rivers, you know, Joan Rivers, Kanye's mom has a better plastic surgeon than you. And I go, but I can't do that. and Gilbert goes, I'll do it. And that's what I realized. I was being a pussy and I had to do it. So I did it. So he pushed me. That's awesome. That's awesome. He's a really special, special guy. We're lucky dudes, Jeff. We really are. We're lucky. And especially now that we know all these people that we just talked about that were amazing and are gone.

2:16:10We're lucky we're still here. Being a comedian is like a backstage pass to the world. You get to see things you never would see as a civilian. It's true. I just went to Qatar, Djibouti, Africa. You were in Djibouti? I was just there. Were you doing Djibouti? You did stand up there? For the troops. Whoa. Christmas with the vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs. Wow. Saw the Patriot missiles that they're using now. I was in two of the bases that just got hit just a few months ago. Wow. That's nuts. You get to see. And when you're with the vice chairman, sometimes you're on FOBs, they call them, forward operating bases.

2:16:50They don't even tell you where you are exactly. Oh, wow. You know, you're like 80 miles from the Iranian border somewhere in Kuwait or Qatar or Jordan. It's so cool. Wild. You've always done a lot of stuff with the troops. You've been doing that from way back, from like the early 2000s. 2003, my first trip to Iraq with Drew Carey. Wow. Yeah, he took me in 2003. Saddam was still alive. I went back in 05. I've done probably 100 of those shows all over the world. Wow. It's the best, man. That's why I'm a comedian. That's the best feeling. That's the best feeling. They say, oh, thanks for coming, and I'm like, thank you, man.

2:17:34Just forget that I'm, like, entertaining. You know, you're doing a show for people who are starved for entertainment. It fills me up. Like, it invigorates me. It's just they're not drinking. they're the best crowds I highly recommend it that's awesome alright dude your special isn't out yet? tonight look at you a Netflix comedy special longest special Netflix ever did you got the Bobby Brown microphone on I sing I sing a song in the show a perfect salty sweet sour mix look at that outfit it's a suit of armor this guy This poor guy lost his hands in an explosion. Oh, geez. I asked him why his wife never got finger banged.

2:18:28Jesus. It's a multimedia show about my family, about resilience, about bouncing back. Are those screens on the back wall, a bunch of different screens? Yeah. And they show different things on them? Yeah, the dogs. Oh, that's cool. You're going to love this show. I'm sure I'll love it. It's about some of the stuff we were talking about. like when you take a hit, getting back up. That's awesome. And what's it called again? It's called Take a Banana for the Ride. When I was an open miker, I would take my grandfather to his doctor appointments, and then at night I would go in New York and try to get on stage at the open mics, and my grandfather would give me a few dollars for the bus and tolls and a banana, take a banana for the ride.

2:19:10Kind of his way of saying, I can't go with you, but I'm there with you on the ride. I just tattooed a banana with my mom's, would write I love you or I miss you and put them in my school lunches. So I found an old letter with her handwriting and made a tattoo. So now I always have a banana. This is what Eddie Vedder drew. It says born to roast. Oh, that's cool. All right, it's out now. Ladies and gentlemen, go watch it. Jeff Ross, I love you, buddy. Love you, Rob. Thank you. Good to see you. Bye, everybody.

2:19:58There's a world where legends race across city skylines. Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms. And there's magic around every corner. it's a world known to many as great britain you've seen the action on screen now visit the real star of the show visit great britain to discover more go to tripadvisor.com great britain