#2493 - Protect Our Parks 16

21:53Ooh. Date? You're taking them out? No, not those. Regular girls, because if I make you wait, you're just going to get a hooker. Really? So, like, I better put out. Wow. I like that. Competition. They seem a little looser sexually anyway in Thailand. Yeah. With the whole ladyboy thing. Right. They're pretty chill with everything. Yeah, they're pretty relaxed, except for kicking the shit out of people. They're really good at that. They're really good at that. It's weird. A laid-back society is so good at fucking people up with martial arts. You ever look at ladyboys using their training? Before they turned into full ladyboys?

22:25Pull it up. They train kickboxing? What, ladyboys do Muay Thai, too? When they were younger. God damn it. There was one famous one who transitioned to a woman, but kept fighting men, and started getting fucked up because now she didn't have any hormones anymore or balls. And so she's just getting the shit kicked out of her as a girl when she was dominating as a guy. Wow. It's kind of sad. The one thing that you're really good at, other than sucking guys' dicks, is fucking people up. No, you can't do that. No, I meant on the streets. See, that's a guy. I meant on the streets. Oh, wow. Is it? Yes, that's a guy.

23:00Oh, right. That's a guy. Lady boy. That's a guy dressed like a girl. No, I meant on the streets like if you pick on one of the streets they all come after you but then they use their training oh yeah no they gang up and kick the box the shit out of you and you're like I just wanted to beat up a hooker why are these half men coming at me these dainty dainty men all right you need a drink I got one okay hey we're back the parks are being saved dude all over Latin America anytime I got recognized they'd be like they'd be like, when are we going to get another protect our parks? I'm like, I'm not really in the area right now.

23:34As soon as I'm out of Uruguay, I'll let them know. Yeah, I would get questions from people. It was always that. When's the next protect our parks? Any times I run into someone somewhere? Globally, too. Australia, I got it. New Zealand, I got it. It's all over. It is fun, though, when somebody, like, last week, I was like, April 30th. And they were like, what? Keep it quiet. I did that, yeah. It's very fun. The world needs us. Oh, yeah. It's good to be back. It's a goofy-ass fake fucking world out there. I can't believe how many we've done. Cannons. Cannons rule. We got that going for us. I want to talk to that guy.

24:13I want to find out what happened. Interview that Indian fella. Because apparently they're saying he got fired. Is that what the story is, Jamie? He got fired, then he just made up a story? Wait, you can't just make a public post saying your boss tried to fuck you anymore? Not anymore. It all changed. I think it was a lawsuit that was filed. I'm not saying that the lawsuit is fake, but they're just saying it's horse shit is what people are saying. Does the lady still work there? I believe what I read was that J.P. Morgan investigated, didn't find it credible, and she still works there. That doesn't seem like she got out of that.

24:45If I was a guy, I don't— We're going to put you on leave while we look this over. 100%. Interesting. 100%. And then Trevor Bauer, like, oh, he found out it's fake. Can I get my job back? They're like, nah. Was Trevor Bauer? He works for the Long Island Ducks. Jared Bauer is a Cy Young, the highest award for a pitcher. Phenom. He got some chick, pretty much told all their friends, like, I'm going to go get money out of that guy. Yep. We got the text message approved. Yeah, he kind of proved it all. But Dodgers? Was it Dodgers? I don't remember. It was like, hey, you can't work here anymore. He was with the Brewers.

25:16Brewers? No, I don't remember. Moved to Japan. Moved to Japan, tried to pitch there. And he's like, I'm good. He told MLB, he goes, I'll pitch for free, and I'm a Cy Young winner. And everyone's like, eh. That's crazy. Lost$300 million. Yeah. Now he's playing for the Miners in Long Island. He loves playing. Oh, my God. Yeah. And what happened to her? I think she got like a slap on the wrist. Yeah, I think she was like, he was like, don't come after me anymore. Don't come after anybody else anymore. That's it? She did photos with black eyes. She got makeup done. He beat me up. He beat the shit out of me.

25:45It was all made up. It's a pretty crazy story. Monsters out there. Crazy. But the crazier thing is like, if it is a Dodger, say it is, to not go, hey, dude, We were fooled. I'm sorry. Here's your contract back. He should sue them for that. How old is he now, though? He's lost years of his career. Probably over, right? He's still great. He just pitched a no-hitter. Really? He's playing against nine-year-olds. That's exciting.

26:12How old is he, Jamie? 35. That's crazy because when it all happened with him. He's 35. He's 35 now. It was about eight or nine years ago, wasn't it? No, 2020. 2020? 2021 is when he was suspended. Five years ago, it was suspended. So he lost his prime. 30 to 35. That's prime. Ruined his life. He had just won the Cy Young. He's just won it. Brutal. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And all she gets is a slap on the wrist? Crazy. That's pretty much like, go away. She violated some part of the settlement and had to pay him 300 grand. Oh. Great. That'll cover his fucking monthly whatever. Yeah. The zen. Jesus Christ.

26:56That's crazy. Got a couple zins out of it. She only got fined 300 grand. She cost him 300 million. Exactly. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Whatever you accuse someone of, if it's fake, you should get that punishment. Or you're trying to get it done. No, I completely agree. Yeah. Absolutely. That's never the case, though. Never. She can't play for the Dodgers. Bah. Who was he with? That's the thing that's bothering me about this. It was the Dodgers? Yeah. When that happened, it was the Dodgers. Fake sports fan. They've been on a bunch of teams, though. Why did I think it was the Brewers? because of his last name?

27:24Bauer. Bauer Brewer. So if he went to jail for it, that's what she should go to jail for. Because if she's accusing him of sexual assault. He was, I think she was just suing him, suing him. And then public, public, whatever. Destruction of reputation. Yeah. Oh my God, that's all awful. Poor guy. You should have him on. I would. That'd be a great convo. Holla at me, son. He's also, I think, pretty funny. No way. I bet he is. Bro, you got to get a sense of humor after that. Have you survived that? You survived that? I bet you have a wicked sense of humor plan in Japan where they all have tiny strike zones.

27:56Yeah That's one thing. I think we could all attest to the only thing you survive a cancellation You come out on the other end just a little bit more Funny a little funny. Yeah, really more pop a little more punchlines He's throwing 102 in Japan Look at Kanye kilometers an hour is that Kanye recovers from getting canceled to have the biggest concerts in human history Yeah, so funny. Standing on top of the world with clouds. Bill Cosby must be amazing right now. He's blind, though. He can't read his notes. Ooh, it's tough to read off a teleprompter. You're a blind comic. I don't think he ever read anyway.

28:33I think he was all in his memory anyway. I don't even know if he writes or if he just sits down and comes up with his stories. Because he's like a story guy. Yeah. He is pretty good. I heard an album. It really paints a picture. But then you listen to Kinnison, and you're like, oh, this guy, Cosby, is very slow. Yeah. It's a different style. It's like listening to, you know, John Denver versus Metallica. You can't, you know. Solid comparison. Yeah, you gotta be in the mood. Yeah, both good. Rocky Mountain High or do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, last night. Bro, that fucking concert in Moscow?

29:12Yeah, it's the best ever. That is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. We're gonna watch it later again. We'll watch it again. Fuck yeah, Norman. Don't be scared of repeating. It's gonna be a loop of that shit. Fine. That's fine. It's the sickest shit that ever happened. It's the sickest shit. It's a yearly reminder. We're gonna close out with a live Freebird from 77. Fuck you.

29:34Did you get me a beer? Here it is. Look at this. We're doing it again. Bro, come on. J-Mo, why'd you do that? Deja Jew. Imagine how pumped these people are. Communism is dead for a little bit. And then Metallica's on stage. It's so sad that rock is dead. We were talking about that. Yeah, it's all queefy now. When was the last time? Where's the new rock bands? The new Zeppelin? White Star's been around for a while. Those have to be smaller bands. Right, but where's the big ones? It used to be Van Halen. It used to be the biggest part of music. Rolling Stones. Shredding. AC DC. I know. I mean, Aerosmith.

30:10It used to be the biggest part of music was rock and roll. What the fuck? That's kind of crazy. Nice. Bodega Cat, ladies and gentlemen. Aero Bullet. Fine bodegas all across Manhattan. You got that right, Fatty. Get a bottle. But yeah, now it's country. Country's huge now. Country's huge. Which is fine, but what happened to rock? I know. What happened to rock? I love country. I have no problem with country getting huge. Yeah, what happened to rock? What happened to rock? Who are the biggest? They said garage bands are coming back with kids, which means nature is healing. Yeah. That's a good sign.

30:43Yeah, kids are tired of playing video games. They want something real. But the thing that doesn't make sense about rock music is everybody still loves it. Right. Everybody still plays covers. I don't know who you're making yet. Oasis is doing giant arenas all over the country. I took acid at that Oasis concert. Really? Where'd you go? MKUltra? Chicago. Chicago. I got MKUltra'd. Yeah. I was just watching the concert like, oh shit. How fun is music on acid? It's the best. See, I've never done acid since college. I go shroom now. Acid. It's responsible. It'll get away from Grateful Dead's entire career.

31:18I see how it worked. I mean, apparently, if you listen to the dead on acid, it's a totally different thing. They were playing to acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They weren't playing for you to not like it on acid. If you guys are on acid, let me entertain you for a second. Yeah, you're supposed to be on acid. It's like those ayahuasca eco-rose. You listen to them normally, they're not that interesting. But if you're tripping on DMT, they're pretty fucking incredible. I got some of Roger Waters. We were doing a podcast here, me, Sigour, and Bert, and you. And you're like, what are you doing tomorrow? Are you going to stay?

31:45Roger Waters is playing. I was like, oh, I got to. This is so funny. I was like, I got to leave. He goes, why? I'm like, yeah, I don't know. But my hotel, I have to check out tomorrow. He goes, extended. You were a personal guest of Roger Waters. Change Ari's flight to the next day. And I'm like, yeah, all right. But then it was like, I got to find acid on one day's notice. Yeah. You got to shout out Roger Waters because he was way ahead of everybody calling out the genocide. Way ahead of everybody. He was doing it a long time ago. A long time ago calling out how they're treating the Palestinians.

32:14I thought they even really got kicked up. He's a little frosty with the heaves, though, is he not? He got frosty with me. Oh, there you go. He got frosty with you. He was living at me. You were fucking with him. What did you say? He was on acid and he was fucking with them after the show. I was gacked out. We were all hanging out and Roger was drinking. This was sober October. We had a one-day permission to do one thing. Exemption. Exemption. Exemption. Come on, guys. I'll give you guys each a drink if you let me do one piece of paper. I chose the devil's cabbage. I was scared of the acid because who knows where it came from.

32:44I'm like, Ari, I got a business to run. I can't go crazy right now. I did some. Tony's ex did some. And I remember we were back at the hotel, and I was looking at this picture, and I was like, damn, this is a crazy video. Ari is full-on weeping in the middle of the concert. Full on This is amazing Balling This is amazing He came up and sat next to me And I'm like What's wrong with Ari? He's fucking Freaking out I'm like Dude Are you okay? I was not okay He didn't even know What the dose was He just took whatever The guy gave him It was fresh too I had to let it dry In the AC of the car Over there And hold it on the vent And let it dry some It was like blotting the paper Blotting yeah Whoa It was so good See that thing with that You don't know when it's gonna end I don't know where it came from.

33:28Also, you don't really know when it's going to start. I took a little and I was like, this shit's not working. Give me another one. Oh, that old move. Boy, that old move. I stared at a painting in my hotel room for 12 hours. You know how many guys have ruined their fucking entire life by doing that with edibles? Yes. Gotten that second one. I don't feel shit. They took that second one and then they can't escape. This is how those stories start. Every time you're like, maybe I'll take the other half. And they roll right into schizophrenia land. Hey. Maybe your mom's not really your mom. early years of comedy, I pitched a show and Lionsgate picked it up.

34:02And they flew me out to LA to pitch the show to Netflix and Amazon. It was the biggest deal of my life. And the night before, I did Tripoli's show. And he gives you a bag of weed stuff. You know? And I was like, I can't do weed. I'm a wuss. I'm a lightweight. And he goes, well, take some CBD. And I go, oh, okay, I'll do that. I want to get some sleep. So I chugged a bottle of CBD. And it was THC! I woke up, the bed was vertical. I was hanging on to the post. I don't know you're going to take it. It felt like the carpet was sinking with me. I was holding onto a chair. You had to meet me the next day.

34:31I skipped it. I couldn't go. It was too high. I was high for like 14 hours. Oh, yeah. You should have went. My manager's like shaking me like, you got to go. And I'm like, I can't do it. I can't face him. Like Lisa. That's so funny. You should have went. Oh, God. I would have sold a different show. I would have shoved my hand up your ass and operated you like a puppet. I would have made you go. I would have sold like Duncan Trussell's show if I showed up. But I couldn't face him, and I think they dropped me after that. Duncan is the absolute best at saying, like, fucking around. Like, he was going, hold on, I just got a text from my wife's boyfriend.

35:06How's he doing? Not good. Turns out he's got syphilis. Poor guy. I hope he gets better. Just casual. This episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe. Yes, break-ins still happen. Usually when the thieves think no one's looking. That's why home security is so important. It's like having an extra pair of eyes to help protect your home. SimpliSafe is especially great, and not just because they've been a longtime partner of the show. Their agents have your back 24-7. Plus, getting SimpliSafe home security system is a breeze. There's no long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Setup is easy, and it might not be as expensive as you think.

35:48They have monitoring plans that start at around a dollar a day. Over 4 million Americans already trust and use SimpliSafe. Try it for yourself. I think it's good to be as prepared as you can be. Get 50 % off your new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring and your first month free at SimpliSafe.com slash Rogan. That's SimpliSafe.com slash Rogan. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. There's nothing worse than getting that high though. Like McCusker used to make weed gummies when we lived together. He would make homemade. He would like try to make shit. Gummies? It was crazy. And then I'd just be sitting there playing Xbox and he'd be like, here take some of these.

36:29And I'd just try them out. But one time he left, I did a show at a casino outside of Philly. He gave me a bag of gummy bears. Obviously I got fucking hammered. And I was just in my hotel room just, I ate them. I just ate as many as I could. Did you know that they were pot gummy bears? I did, I did. But you can't stop like that. I was hammered. I was like, no, no. I don't give a fuck up. They're so good. I just killed that fucking hotel lobby. That was great. And then I woke up and it was in a casino with no - my room had no windows. It was in the fucking basement. And I didn't know my buddy was also - I was like, you can sleep in my room.

37:02He was on the floor. He was this kid that opened for me. In the morning, I woke up and I was still high as fuck and I was just like, ah, ah. In the darkness, I hear somebody like, Shane. I was like, ah! That's something waking up high is wild. Waking up high sucks. I was like, who's in here? You remember the days where Joey Diaz would have people in the church of what's happening now, and he would swap out the 25 milligram edibles for 250s? He did it to me. It's like a package like this, whatever, and I see it, it says 25. I'm like, you know what? I'm a 10 guy, but when I'm with Darius, I'll go 25.

37:37And then I ate it, but then something nags in your head. You're like, why was it 25? It was like tilted. Why was it open? Why was it tilted a little? Right. And then I kept talking, and I picked it off, and you just see 250. Oh. And you're like, Joey, you killed me. What did he do? He would give Lee Sy at 500s. What? He would give him two 500s. We just got Lee again. We did a 420 episode, and Lee was like, oh, yeah, back to that. Indy 500. 500 milligrams? Yeah. It's crazy, dude. That blows. You know what's crazy? J-Mo. Jamie can do 1 ,000 and it barely hits him. Shut up. Is that true? Yeah. You have no body fat.

38:09No, no, no. He's got some weird enzyme. You got to go with a slice of pizza or something. Doesn't work on everything, man. Wow. Okay, fair. Damn. Yeah, it just doesn't work with his spectrum-y. Yeah, anything more than 10. Some people, every once in a while. His brain, his super brain just shuts it off. Like, nope, not interested, bye. Wow. Mine does not, dude. If I take 10 milligrams, I'm like, oh. Same. Same. Well, the UFC's are always great. We take like 50 in just like six hours. Well, you guys took acid at the UFC before. We were up in the bat seats. We took acid, and me, Red Band, and Diaz, and then Rogan.

38:38It was kind of early on, and Rogan's like, where are you guys? We're like, we're up there, and he's like seeing us. like are you guys flying we're like we're fucked dude half of my day was thinking about them being on acid watching these crazy fights can you imagine so it made me jealous it felt like it must be so fun yeah forrest griffin came in and everyone's cheering i'm like why are you cheering you might get hurt oh animals this is like 2005 then yeah whoa yeah i just seen brock lesnar on acid terrified he's a warrior that guy bro like a viking you ever see his daughter his daughter's champion shot putter yeah what no she's all fucking no athlete oh shot put she throws that iron ball he does shooting a gun bro she's shoot she looks like a fucking watch her yeah but watch the video so go to get it with this see if you can find a video of her throwing it she's a beautiful She's a wonderful, sturdy lady.

39:37Brock, she's a wonderful woman. Mark's talking shit. I agree with Shane. I have nothing but respect for you and your family. Whoa, is she albino? I like him sturdy. She's a Viking woman. I know you do. Look at this. Whoa. Pale honky. Bro, that's crazy. Imagine blowing your shoulder out trying to fucking throw that thing. Woo-wee. Imagine her grabbing your balls. Hachi-machi. Can't get over the line. Don't get over the line. Make a warrior with those jeans. Yes. You're a proud buffalo. What's the mom look like, huh? She's hot. She's just a tank. She's a pro wrestler. She's a fucking transformer.

40:09She's a bulldozer. She's Optimus Prime. Get the mom up. The mom is hot. Oh, yeah? She got all Brock's jeans. That's the mom. What? Oh, a sable? My lord. From WWF? That's right. Whoa. What? That's the wife. The sable is so hot. That's what I'm talking about. The puppies. But bro, look at his jeans. Those jeans dominate. Nice cannons. Those are Viking jeans. That's what Iceland looks the way it is. Viking jeans. Oh, is that them now? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. She's 10 years older than them. She looks great. She looks great. She's got a bit of a bulge, though, on the right. That's her hands, dude. Oh, God.

40:44Hands are in her pocket. You never know. You're really risking it with. I love you, Brock. Brock Lesnar's going to fucking kill you. He's going to find you. He doesn't care. Brock and Roll, he's writing your name down with crayons right now. Norman Bad. He's got that sword tattoo right here. Just a real warrior. Yeah, he said he got drunk and didn't remember it and woke up and was like, what the fuck did I do? Yeah, right. You just regret it. That's a lame tattoo. You just regret it. For sure. For sure. Well, Steve-O's got a dick on his forehead. Yeah, but that's for fun. Yeah. He gets tattoos on an ATV.

41:16He was on the podcast, and it was like first couple of minutes, and I was like, do you have a dick tattoo above your eyebrows? I was like, yeah. What? I've done his pod. I didn't notice that. Good impression. It must be new. I missed it. Yeah. It's pretty new. Pull it up. He was on a few months ago. Yeah. J-Mo. Not even. New Jackass coming next month. Yeah, look. Oh, man. What a lunatic. Wow. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that. Post Malone tattooed him? Post Malone tattooed him. He's not a trained tattoo artist. I don't think he has to be trained. Dick's got quite a curve. He's pretty good. Are there rules?

41:51He might actually know. Are there any rules as to who can do a tattoo? I don't think so. If you're in charge or whatever and have a business, yeah. You can just do it, though. You can just do one to your friend? I saw fear. You can just do it with Penn. Interesting. Huh? Interesting. Steve-O's a good egg. He's a fun dude. Steve-O rules. He's a fun dude. Jackass rules. New Jackass. I was so excited when I heard it was like... Oh, they're doing another one? June. He played a bunch of the scenes where in Knoxville did two of them all getting concussions and I was like how many times you've been out?

42:26He's like at least 16. Wow. 16 times. It's out cold. It's funny when one of them gets Reddit rap for not going hard enough, like Knoxville did once, and he goes, fine. I'll step up and I'll literally blow a ball off. And Danger had one where he's like, I'll be the one this time. Knoxville always went so hard. Yeah. It was bad feedback. But they were like, you're protecting your face too much. He was like, all right, I'll show you. I asked Wee Man. I was like, who got PTSD this time? He was like, England. England's fucked forever now. Oh, yeah. What? Why? Because they put him in horrible situations.

43:00What are they doing? I don't know. I'm waiting to find out. What, Jamie? I'm talking about this one because the last one they got him. No, they got danger air last time bad with the bear and shit where you could tell he's like, this is never going to leave me. And the fucking donkey in the one. That was terrifying. Donkey? They'll kick you. He just walked up behind when the goal was to get him bucked in the nuts. He has to stand behind him. Yeah, he's just behind him like shaking and they're all making fun of him. And the donkey kicked him? Yeah, got him right in the balls. Hard. Oh, my God, dude.

43:26They haven't gotten into a room. He obviously knew something was happening. He knew something's up. He just can't be. He looks great. He does look pretty good. Nice skin. He was always a handsome devil. He's a handsome guy. So he's in the room strapped to a table? They're doing like an electric chair. They're shocking him. He's like, come on, stop. It's annoying, but I get it. And then what happens? They cover him in honey. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, the balls. And he's like, is that meat? What are you doing?

44:01Oh God That's something's opening

44:11He's got a chain on the bear Keep watching it the chain is probably just so they could pull them off. Yeah Stay calm. Oh, he's gonna lick him The chain isn't attached to anything. That's a good point. Chain's free. Talk to it, Aaron. Try to calm it down. Oh, this is wild. This is crazy. There. Are you really allergic to bees, Aaron? Oh, he's trembling. He's shocking. Are they shocking? What? He's still shocking him. I didn't even get the answer. No, no. All right. We can't really watch. Oh, is that like salmon? Oh, my God. Yeah, I believe so. Oh, this is crazy. He's so frightened. Oh, he's got the paw.

45:05There's nothing more in there. There is, though. There's nothing more in there. That's not so bad. What if he just came? Yeah, it's kind of nice. Yeah. You see his pants get wet. They fucked with him real bad, though. This was... Get him out, get him out. So it's a trained bear. Sort of, though, but it's a bear. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's nice is BAM. They let BAM back in the group. Oh, good. Oh, really? He's in the next one. I heard he's skating again. Yeah. Yeah, it's getting there. So what happened to him? He just went off the rails, drugs, pills. Filling stuff. Now he's back? He's back. Hopefully.

45:39Come back. Let's go. BAM rules. There's a video I saw, and it was asking all the Jackass people who can skate. People were like, oh, Wee Man's pretty good. And then someone's like, no, Dane Jaron's pretty good. And then just starts the chiropractor just going, it's BAM. And then John Knoxville's like, I can go to Ollie. Like, it's Bam. Bam was good. I met him a bunch when I was going to college. Really? Really? Yeah, I went to college in Westchester where they all were. So, like, yeah, you'd see him around town. He was just the nicest. Yeah. He was always just the man. He owned that town, huh?

46:07Oh, yeah. You had a purple Lambo. You'd see it. It'd be at the fucking Wawa. You'd be like, holy fuck, Bam's here. Holy fuck. Holy. With his eyeliner. Yeah. I drove by Castle Bam. You know the house they have? Viva La Bam? It was right where I lived when we were filming Tires. I lived right next to it, and I would occasionally just drive over and look at it. Yeah. Every kid's dream. Skateboard shit in the back, the ramps. He did some trick that was off a bridge onto a moving bus and then off the bus onto the road. I think you're thinking of the video game. Oh, I love the game. Maybe, but no. This was real.

46:41Bam's dad got fucked pretty hard, though. What happened? Well, they would just punch him in the face for no reason. Phil. He would just wake him up and just start punching him in the face. It was great. Sweetest man on the planet. Bam, come on, man. CKY. Cut it out. I'm sleeping. CKY. Fucking rude. Crazy that those guys did that for so long. Oh, yeah. That seemed like a thing you could only do once. Hell, they're still going. Yeah. One of the first places I ever did stand up and hosted my own show was his bar in Westchester. Wow. The note. Like, how old are they? Like, how old is Steve-O? He's got to be 50.

47:13Yeah. 50. Here. Look with him. Yeah. What are you going to do to him? Oh. Oh, the dad finally gets his revenge. He's hiding behind the door.

47:28That's all right. Yeah, Jackass rules. Yeah, hell yeah. Jackass is the best. It's the best comedies. It's just crazy that those guys made a career doing that. Yeah. Became famous just fucking each other up. We all copied them. Me and my friends were outside filming us jumping into trees off the booth and shit. Totally. We all were like, this is the coolest thing ever. Yeah. They were the first ones to be like, don't do this. Anyway, that's the legal part. Now watch and try to do it. This shit's fun. We're having a blast, though. You should try it. But don't do it legally. Yeah. How is the new Fear Factor?

48:00I know Knoxville's hosting it. Knoxville, yeah. He came on to promote it. Yeah. He's hosting the new Fear Factor. It's very nice. I love Jackass so much. Yeah, me too. He's a good dude. Johnny Knoxville's a really nice guy. The coolest. Yeah. Although his dick is broken. That sucks. I think it's fixed. Oh, great. I think they fixed it. Fix that nowadays. All right. Stem cells. Fucking everyone's getting them. I got them. Everyone's getting dicks these days. Wait, you got stem? Yeah. Whoa. His knees. What does that mean? I don't know. It's been one day. I don't know. How do you feel? I feel fine.

48:33Did you see that thing that I sent you today? No. I sent you an article with this video of this lady saying that the one operation that has the least amount of success and is the most unnecessary is meniscus operations. I had one too. I couldn't walk though. What do you mean? I don't know. I had to do it. They said rehabilitation is better. Like keeping the tissue in there and rehabbing it is better than having it removed Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. I had mine removed on my left leg. Yeah, but it does fuck with me more than my right leg And what you have in the right leg just I have a tear meniscus tear but I just left it held Yeah, I took I tore it doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling whoa jeans on you're a jackass We were he just wanted to see who could kick harder like he heard I kick really hard He's a world champion kickboxer So he wanted to kick this thing and he wanted me to kick it I did with jeans on what you do with a bag of your video We have this machine in the back of the test.

49:28Yeah hit it and it shows you like your meniscus on that Yeah, fucking I will rock that with no warm-up at all at 52 years old Just fucking slammed it Joe Shelly came in three hours early and stretching no He didn't. He did no warm-up either. That would be a great jackass. Joe Rogan kicks you. Yeah, that would be bad. He had Butterbean punch him. I saw that. It's the hardest thing to watch, too, because he was already rocked and fucked up, and then Butterbean put him out. And they're in, like, a Target or something. Yeah, yeah. Like a Podega or something. Yeah. They have the crazy—the extra level, though, is it's not just somebody.

49:59It's Butterbean punching you. Or it's not just taking a slap shot. It's somebody from the Predators fucking slap shotting it at your face. Oh. Hey. That's right. He had Francis Ngannou punch him in the balls. The cup test. Oh, God. They just kept telling him, like, your fighter's going to come today, and they didn't tell him it's Francis Ngann. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. Oh, there he is. This is mean. I mean, this is too far. I can't watch that. Yeah, you can. Watch it. All right. Let's watch it. Watch this. And Francis doesn't even hold back. Oh, I mean, that's going to ruin your junk.

50:32Oh, dude. That kind of pain is crazy. Oh, I feel for this guy. Also, that's a terrible cup. That's a shitty cup. No one should ever doubt danger ever again. Watch this one more time. Oh, my God. He put all of his 265 pounds into that, too. The realization on his face when he's like, it's worse than I thought it was going to be, and it's real. Bro, it's like getting hit by a car right on your dick. That's brutal. Right. Look at the eyes change. And the thing about those shitty cups is sometimes those shitty cups hit your nut. Like the cup, actually, your balls are kind of like poking out the side a little bit, and the cup slams into your nut.

51:07It's also, they just got this at Target on the way to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It was fitted. They were just like, just give me one. Real solid cup with compression shorts. See, Gen Z or Gen Alpha will never have a jackass. You don't think so? No, I think those are mean. But what about these streamers that keep getting beat up? Yeah, they're capable. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, these streamers are picking fights at people and getting fucked up. Intentionally dangerous. All right, all right. Yeah, there's a lot of streamers that are getting that fuck beaten out of them. Yeah. In a good way?

51:34Well, I mean, they're provoking people, and occasionally they provoke the wrong person. They fight club it until somebody picks a fight back with them. There's this one with Tiki. Tiki fought for the UFC. He's like a top-level trainer, manages fighters, and this streamer kid is in his face telling him he's going to fuck him up. And Tiki's like, oh, really? And he's like, yeah, I'll fuck you up for sure. And then he moves too close to him, and Tiki just cracks him. Is it the elbow? No, I think he punched him. I don't know if he elbowed him or punched him. It's so hard to tell because it happens so fast.

52:02But it's like the dude's in his face. And this guy, watch this. And he's got a drink in his hand. Damn. Is it an elbow? Slow that down a little bit. That was right on the jaw. It either is a punch or an elbow. It's hard to say because it happens so fast. Yeah, it's an elbow. Nice elbow. What did he say to him? Nice elbow. Are you sure that was an elbow? He said he was going to fuck him up. Wow. He said he was going to slap him. I'll slap the shit out of you. Something like that. Is that just cause? Yeah, I thought he's the wrong guy to fuck with. Right. Tiki's really good. Tiki Masala. He's big.

52:34I wouldn't even if he didn't do UFC. I would walk up to him be like what are you gonna do pussy? Exactly, crazy. He needed to drop it. He was like, drop. And he's holding whiskey. Yeah, well that's probably why he didn't punch him. He was so calm until the second, but he dropped it. He let it go. Yeah. Oh really? And elbows. Nice technique too. One more time on that, James. One more time. That was a hook. The kids were like really. Well the elbows just as powerful dude. That's what I mean. Especially coming out of Tiki. So let's see what he says to him. He said a bunch of shit to him. What? I said straight up.

53:02Are you the guy that got slapped on video? I did, but I'll slap the shit out you know. Oh, you will? I'm going to show you the inside of the house. No, I'll make you another clip. I'll do that. Seriously? I'll do that. Oh! There you go. But some of these streamers, man, they make their whole fucking career out of doing stuff like that. He got up. Who's that guy? Wow, he got up? It's hard to say what's going on. Or is that the bouncer? Oh, it's his girlfriend? It's hard to say what's happening. It is hard to say. It's not him that got up. It's a girl or something. Well, I think he probably got up, too, because I see the black jacket.

53:40But it seems like he ran in there. That's him. Ran in there after him and threw a couple punches at him. I mean, the fact that he took that is pretty impressive. I would have gone night-night. Yeah, but you wouldn't have been there. I wouldn't have done that. You wouldn't have been going, I'll fucking knock you out. You would have never done that in the first place. The whole thing is crazy. I'd be like, hey, he was talking more shit on the way up. But there's so many of these guys that are picking fights. They're just doing anything they can to get attention to go viral. Yeah. It's like a nightmare.

54:05Walking down the street and someone's like, what's up, bitch? Oh, boy. Well, I'm going to look like a pussy. I'm not going to die. I hate those. It's some guy with his girlfriend at Target and they just start mocking him and mocking the girl in front of him, forcing his hand. It sucks. I'm just trying to shop. I don't want to fight you. Who are you? That's how people get shot. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. You do it in the wrong place. It's terrible. But it's just these kids today, there's so many of them that are just trying to get famous. Like the number one thing the kids want today is to get famous.

54:34You know, they used to like do a list. What do you want to do when you grow up? What are your goals? Like a giant percentage of them are get famous. That's true. What's up with that clavicular homo? You know what I'm talking about? I think he's the opposite of a homo. I think his whole thing is looks maxing to get chicks. That sounds gay to me. Looks maxing? What is looks maxing? Well, one of the things he does is apparently he hits his face with a hammer to put micro breaks in his face to make his jaw look stronger. That's just trans. You're just man-to-man trans. There you go. Oh, man-to-man trans.

55:04Yeah, you've just altered your looks to make yourself more of a gender. Wow. Yes. Interesting. Gender affirming. Yeah, it's gender affirming. What about fake tits, then? Is that trans for girls? Yeah. Let's do it. Absolutely. I like it. No, don't take fake tits. All right, leave fake tits, but you can't fucking make it. You can't be. It's gender affirming. If you're like, men look this way, then you're like, all right. It's like you can be something you're not. Mm. All right. He gets laid, though. I'm sure. Oh, I'm sure he does. He's a handsome fellow. He's very handsome. Yeah, he's a handsome fellow.

55:32But he's like pretty. Apparently he does meth. What? Yeah, he talks about it because he finds it better than Adderall for controlling his appetite. That'll do it. This is the thing. They want to be lean. The wheels are going to come off. As lean as possible. Yeah. You can't do meth, but it's kind of entertaining. It's better than Adderall for controlling appetite. How about just self-will? This is me overdosed the other day on stream. Overdose. What do you overdose on? What do you overdose on? I don't know. Which one is he? They don't specifically say. That guy? That's him. Yeah, he is handsome.

56:02He has a longer clip of it. He's pretty handsome. So would he just fall apart? Oh, they took it off the camera. But yeah, he's just like falling down a K-hole. He's about to be big. You know what? I actually saw this, and what was cool about it was how nice he was to everybody. Oh. Like even while he's like overdosing, he's like, people are coming up, can I get a picture? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably not Molly. That's cool. Maybe he overdosed on Molly. He looks like he's having eight. Definitely Molly. Yeah, it could be Molly. That may be why he's so nice to everybody. Yeah, that's not a K-hole.

56:27I've been in one of those. You don't smile. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, shit. But is that overdosing or is he just on it? That's why the clips are going around saying overdosing. Chester Maxing. It's for dorks. It's not overdosing. He's fine. Chester Maxing is so funny. These terms. Look at this. It's like a boy band. Mocking. Mocking's hilarious. Everything is toxic and dangerous. The streamer looks Maxing culture is top. Culture. What is gooning? It's called culture. What is gooning? Gooning is a thing. We've had this argument. What's gooning? It's various masturbating to just really obsessing over anything.

57:01It's hilarious. Okay. So like a stalker is gooning. Ooh, could be. I don't know if you're getting that right. It's a reach. Double goon. It just means like you're obsessed over something, which is like masturbation all the time. And then it's become like obsession. But I think it stayed with masturbation. It's definitely just masturbating. It's basically just being as horny as you can fucking be. And it's very funny. All right. I've gooned quite a bit in my day. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're a gooner. I'm a gooner. Yeah. All right. I'm just a beer. What? Can I get one of them beers? Yeah, it's beer time.

57:32I feel like one of those. Joe Rogan's back. Yeah. Eight months off the sauce. Wow. Moderation. He went on a drinking withdrawal until Trump said he could do mushrooms as well. And he goes, okay, fine. Fine, I'll drink. What was that like, beating the Oval off? Pretty fucking strange. The whole thing was strange. How about sending him a text message, explaining everything to him, and him saying, let's do it. Wow Dude let's do it and then the next day I think that's his problem he keeps saying yeah let's do it He's getting texts from BB He goes yeah fuck it It always works out for me Shut down the straight he gives a fuck He showed up at the UFC event He shakes my hand he goes it's done And then a week later we were in the White House With all the vets All those vets that had taken Ibogaine and saved their life You should have had Okay it's missed opportunity You should have had all those vets and then a couple dreadlocked white guys who were also like, this is going to help me a lot too.

58:28This is going to fucking rule. I should have had Duncan. Duncan dressed like a shaman. Everyone's going to benefit from this. With a hat on like you're wearing. You should have wore that fucking hat. With a suit behind the present. Well, I had a suit jacket and everything. I was prepared, but it was in the other room. But he goes, come on in the Oval Office. So he brought me in the Oval Office early. You were not wearing a suit? I didn't see it. I had a jacket. I was going to wear a tie, but I hate ties. I said let me just dress like I dress at the UFC I wore my UFC fucking You were like Zelinsky in a tracksuit.

59:01No I had a nice button-up shirt nice pair of pants nice dress shoes I was respectable, but I just wasn't wearing a tie and but I did have a suit jacket But it was in the other room, but he dragged me into the Oval Office. Come over here. Look at this It looks so beautiful now. He's like showing me all the new gold work. The Oval Office has like gold everywhere now It's like all gold leaf everywhere. It's pretty impressive. Who designed it? Persians? Him! Oh, yeah He loves gold. Definitely not the Persians. Bin Laden loved gold. He loves it. He loves doing up the Oval Office. Shane and I took a tour.

59:31Me, you, and O 'Connor. Wait, what? Yeah, we took a tour of the White House. When? Two years ago? No, no. A year? A year. Biden years? No, it was Trump. No, Trump years. He wasn't there, so we got in, but they're like, you can't go into the Oval Office. We're like craning our head in with our feet just on the outside. Like, hold my hand. Saw the big Gulf of America. Oh, this is back, yeah. He literally just had a map next to his desk that says Gulf of America. It's a map of water. Especially because you're like walking through and you're like, damn, Lincoln. There's a lot of history here. things and then you see Gulf of America next to the desk.

1:00:04Hey, what is that really gross bill that they just passed though? What is that FISA bill that they just passed, Jamie? Yeah, something just happened where people are freaking the fuck out. Gross bill? Belichick? It has something to do with them being able to look into all your private communications without a warrant. Oh, I don't like that. Is there a new one someone told me that every new car is going to have AI testing to see if they're drunk or not, and then they also won't abuse it. That's bad. Bad news. They're going to be able to look at you while you're driving to make sure that you're not hammered, get video of you.

1:00:38No more smoking joints in your car. Get an old car. Is that a real thing? The Senate's likely to reject the House pass. Good. Thank God. We should force them to reject it. Jesus Christ, this is crazy. Three-year extension of Section 702 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act that allows federal government to collect communications of non-citizens outside the U.S., though it often includes communications with American citizens. But then if they suspect you of it, like with Tucker, Tucker was communicating with Putin's people to do an interview through signal. So they took his encoded, so it's all encrypted.

1:01:17They took his encrypted signal and they decrypted it. Someone who knows this stuff, explaining to me, said it cost about$600 ,000 to do that. They said they can decrypt encrypted messages. They just have to get the data. So somehow or another, they got the data off of his phone. They unencrypted it, and then they contacted him and said, we know that you're meeting with Putin. He's like, how the fuck do you know? They're like, we read your signal. And he's like, what? But he's like, yeah, I mean, I am meeting with him. I'm doing an interview. I'm a journalist. Yeah. Well, that was his position.

1:01:48But it was also his position that he's using an encrypted app. Unless they're suspecting him of a crime, they shouldn't be able to look at his encrypted messages. Mmm, so like this idea that you know you're sending things on signal and no one could read them. I think that's bullshit I think yeah more difficult to read them. Well, the local cops are not gonna do it if you're just buying Molly right that's not worth 600 grand Exactly right exactly. Hegseth shit get leaked to on signal remember that like a year ago I think that was because those people accidentally included a journalist So it was like a giant group of like ten people or something like that and one of them was a fucking journalist these knuckleheads and the journalists just released all the text messages so they were sending emojis after we bombed Iran here's a fun story today suicide note purportedly written by Jeffrey Epstein weeks before his death in jail has been kept secret for years locked up in a courthouse that means investigators scrutinizing his death lacked what could have been a key piece of evidence last hour they're saying there's a note they found that just there's a brand new note all of a sudden exists no one says they haven't shown it or said what it says they're just everyone's not reporting Well, how about the fucking autopsy that says that his prostate was unremarkable, but meanwhile he had his prostate removed?

1:03:01Oh boy. There's a lot of people that don't even believe he died. I think he's alive. I think they just face-offed him, and he's living a good life somewhere. You just think it changed him? Yeah, I think the people that all go to that stuff, they're like, don't worry. If we kill you, then we're all worried about ourselves. We're just going to relocate you. Israel. Israel, maybe. That's what I heard. From Metzger. From Metzger. It wouldn't be Israel. He'd live somewhere like... Why wouldn't he live in Israel? That's the place where he's most protected. It'd be like Cambodia. No, they'll kill him in Cambodia.

1:03:28You've got to live in Israel. No, there's parents in Israel. Of who? People. Yeah, but you know that's like the number one place where sex offenders go from America that are Jewish, that are in trouble? They'll take anybody in. I didn't know that. Yeah. They'll take anybody in. Yeah, especially Jewish people. They'll just take you in. Wow, Jews have had a run. They had Madoff, Weinstein, Epstein. Thank you, thank you. Hell yeah, thank you. The other guy. Nice. Hell of a run, you guys. Cosby Berg

1:03:56Yeah, kind of proves Kanye's point a little bit. I don't love the Kimmel shit is annoying like the fighting with Kimmel over the jokes like come on man I mean here's the thing about that joke Adam Crowell had a really good point He said that joke he said that joke on a Thursday on Friday. Nobody gave a shit because the set Kimmel he said a joke about Melania He made his own mock White House press correspondence dinner, right? And he said Melania has the glow of a woman who's recently widowed. Okay. Just does it. It's an old guy joke. Like he's going to die. Yeah. It could be. Or an assassination joke if you want to take it that way.

1:04:31But he is old. Wait, after the attempt? No, before. So it's on Thursday. And this is Carolla's point. That's a really good point. He said no one gave a shit on Friday. It came out on Thursday. No one cared on Friday. No one cared on Saturday until Saturday night when the assassination attempt. And then all of a sudden everyone's blaming Kimmel. It's so funny that the right wing turned into the same fucking pussy faggots that the left wing are. It's the same shit. It is the same shit. It's human behavior patterns. You could call them left or right. I mean, this is why the left supports war in Ukraine.

1:05:01It's like why the left supports censorship. It's like the same patterns. It's control. Control and power. You want your side to win. Yeah, 100%. That's where they found the note. Where? Nicholas Tartagel-Dion found it. Oh. Who's that? Who's that? The guy who killed him. The fucking super jacked contract killer cellmate that he had. You know that story? No. His cellmate was a fucking super jacked cop who killed drug dealers. Yeah, dude was a gorilla. I mean, fuck. Show Ari a picture of the guy. Tartaglione is this fucking huge, evil, corrupt cop. Yeah, super guinea. He's like a roided up guinea.

1:05:38Damn. Get an image. I'd like to see this cat. Look at him. Whoa, mama. Imagine that guy's your fucking cellmate. And he's killed four guys for drug dealers and contract killers what's in jail for murder? Oh quadruple slaying He was in there for fucking dogs. No

1:05:59Cute dogs cute little doggy He's a pretty good guy Murdering people and then they put him in the sale with them with Epstein and then he said Epstein tried to kill him 18 days before he died He complained, excuse me, he said Tartaglione tried to kill Epstein. Epstein complained. And failed? Tried to kill him. Yeah. We tried to strangle him to death. Whoa. And they found him unconscious and unresponsive. Must have used that Krav Maga to break out of it. Krav Maga, however you say it. Whatever they do. Krav Maga. Krav Maga. Whatever they do. Yeah. Krav Maga hat. That whole Epstein thing is so crazy.

1:06:38No one's going to jail for that. Pretty surprising that they're still not releasing it. Here's what's crazy. No arrests. No one's being brought in. Meanwhile, Comey is getting arrested for a photo of seashells that say 86-47. He's getting arrested for that? Yeah. He's getting charged. What's 86-47? 86, get rid of. 87-47. But you could say kill. But 86 is, if you get fired, what happened to Mike? He got 86ed. Right. It doesn't mean you got killed. but this is a crazy thing to arrest someone for. Of course. FBI arrested in Virginia. Appears briefly in court. Well, they already had it out for him.

1:07:15I know, but that's a crazy... The problem with these guys is it sets a crazy precedent. That's the precedent. That's already... That's the worst. That's crazy. That's crazy. FBI director is like, you went after me? Well, now we're going after you for nothing. It doesn't matter. It's nuts. It's nuts. Like you're going after someone for something that's just silly. It's all so crooked. 86-47 is get rid of 47. Right. Free speech. But it's just like arresting a guy for that is nuts. Come on, we don't play that. Yeah. I mean, it's one thing like if you have like a photo of him, like an AI, you post an AI photo of him dead, you know, with bullet holes in him, like wouldn't that be nice?

1:07:57Yeah. Yes, but also. But even that. Even that's okay. Well, the Secret Service would visit you. Not as an FBI director. Right. But he's a former FBI director, so he's a private citizen at that point. He'd already left the office. It's crazy. Trump can take a shot, but not a joke. It's just retaliation for going after Trump? Well, it is, but it's like they're just looking for any reason. It just doesn't seem, it seems like there should be other reasons. Like if the guy really was dirty, you should have something on him other than this seashell picture. Yeah, it's not. He just hates him and he's using that.

1:08:27I know, but it's such a... Such abuse of power. This was my thing when people weren't upset about ICE people in the street with masks on and no identification. I'm like, this sets a crazy precedent. Yeah, I understand you want the undocumented criminals out of the country. I agree. However, you're setting a precedent for militarized people with seven weeks training to be walking around with fucking weapons of war and flak jackets with no ID and masks on. That's all I'm saying. Like, this is a slippery fucking slope you're going down. Yeah, it's no bueno. But then also, they wouldn't have to be there like that if there wasn't these, there wouldn't be any conflict if it wasn't organized, paid-for protests.

1:09:06They paid people to protest. They paid people because they had the fucking, all that fraud in Minnesota. The reason why I was in Minneapolis, why the fucking, the protests were strongest in Minneapolis and organized, because that's where all the fraud was. That's where all the people were getting caught. So they said, well, let's defuse this. And Mike Benz said it. You don't just give randos guns and go, all right, they overstepped. So here, you're seven weeks training. Go ahead. Go nuts. That's not the response. Not just give randos guns. They gave him a$50 ,000 signing bonus. So, yeah, you get a$50 ,000 signing bonus.

1:09:38And by the way, a lot of them are Mexican. A lot of them are Mexican. That's true. Including the two guys that shot that dude in Minneapolis, both Mexicans. Got to make my nut. Got to make my nut. Excuse me. Hispanic. Sure. Latino. Had Latin names. Oh, interesting. I was at the airport in Philly and an ICE agent was like, yo, my man, what's up? And I was like, yo, chill, chill. Fuck, don't ask me for a picture. Do you see that Trump renamed it instead of ICE? Now it's nice? I saw that. It's nice now instead of ICE. So now you're protesting nice. It's national. Immigrations, customs, enforcement.

1:10:15He's done it again. That reminds me. Man, our leader. That's funny. He's a wild boy. Still funny. It is funny calling it nice. Is your thing about to go off? Is that why you're stopping it? No, I just realized I left my kid in a Somali daycare. Gotta go pick him up. He'll be fine. What happened to Ice while I was gone? Did they go nuts? No. Yeah, they shot two people. Well, you don't know about Alex Freddie? They executed two citizens. Good for you. Boy, you've been gone, huh? Killed two citizens? Well, there's one lady that got killed in a car because they were trying to tell her to stay put.

1:10:46She was protesting and fucking with them. And then she drove when the cop tried to step in front of her car. She's clearly turning her wheel away from him. She's not trying to run him over. And he just. A cop or ice? Ice guys. Yeah. And he said fucking bitch. An American born citizen? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A crazy lady. Anyone. But yes. Lesbian. Allegedly. Yeah. The girlfriend was there. Do you believe in them, though? For real? Oh, yeah. She looked like a lesbian. You don't think? No, they seemed legit. Yeah, she had a kid. She looked like Brock Lesnar. She's a newly lesbian lady. Okay. Newly lesbian?

1:11:25What was the backlash on that? It was pretty bad. Protest. Pretty bad. Yeah, pretty bad backlash. And then this Alex Freddie guy was after that. Did they manage that one? The Alex Freddie guy was after that. The Alex Freddie guy was carrying a gun. And so he was open carrying or concealed carrying and physically pushing cops. It was kind of crazy. And then they tackle him. They found out he's a gun. This is where it gets crazy. One of the border protections agents grabs the gun and is taking it away. And unfortunately, the gun accidentally goes off. The gun that he was carrying is called a SIG P320, and it's notorious for accidental discharges.

1:12:03So this is confusing because it's hard to tell because the video is a little grainy. But most people who are experts look at it, at least the videos that I've watched, say that that gun accidentally went off without the guy touching the trigger. So the cop has the gun. The cop's moving away with the gun. They say he has a gun. Cop or the ICE people? The cops say it's Border Protections. It's not even ICE. It's a different organization. So the Border Protections guys are moving away with the gun. The gun goes off, and these guys think the guy has another gun, and then they start shooting him. And they shoot him and kill him while they have him down.

1:12:39It's a rough video. This is all my interpretation based on videos. I might not be accurate, but I've seen the video. It does look like the slide moves. It does look like the sound of a gun going off Corresponds with that slide moving and that gun is notorious like if you look up sig p320 online Accidental discharge you'll see tons of videos I've had an accidental discharge I haven't had one of those a long time. I used to have them when I'm a kid Wet dreams Now I wake up to it Fucking six Let's talk for 20 minutes Yeah, she missed all the ice all the fun good for you But it's like the only reason why there were violent people in the streets protesting is because it was an organized paid-for protest They actually physically paid people to be there and protest they gave them signs How do you get on that list to get paid for that?

1:13:38You got to get on some wacky left-wing newsletter. I don't know. Still, like, yeah, you don't just put random people in charge of people. Well, I mean, you do have to get rid of all the cartel members and all the criminals that came across the border. I mean, they let more than 10 million people into the country over four years. America has a great way of, like, overreacting to stuff. They're like, oh, Saddam Hussein's a problem. Let's go in there and kill a million people. Yeah, America does that. Yeah. We're not the best people to handle stuff, and we're still like, we should handle it. You know who else does that?

1:14:07Who? Israel. Blame everything on Israel. I'm not blaming everything. They're a part of it. It is amazing how many high-profile Jewish people just, they have an opinion about everything. But when it gets to this, like... Yes. Yes. Yes. Avoid that or come up with some random way to justify annihilating an entire city. Yeah. It's just funny to me when Americans are like, hey, this other country's overstepping. Yeah, we bumped the band twice. Yeah. Hold on a second. Afghanistan, Iraq. Those fuckers had it really come to bed. They were Jews. Twice? The second one was just going, hey, check this out, Russia.

1:14:49I guess so. But yeah, whatever. Well, that was a long time ago. That's true. Everybody who did that's dead. But based on today, Oy vey. Oy vey. Yeah. It's a lot. Like Lebanon? Bro, what they're doing to Lebanon right now is crazy. Well, they're looking for Hezbollah. They've got to look under rubble. Mmm, Barney rubble. One more time with that later there. What else we got? Thank you. There we go. It's a wild time to be alive, kids. It's wild. At least we're going to have drugs soon. That's pretty nice. Well, at least all those people that are hooked on pills are gonna get off of them a lot of them are at least it's gonna At least give them something that works How come we get it?

1:15:30How come we can't get free health care? Yeah, right? Why don't we do that? I'm paying out the ass. Why can't we do that? I bet if they took all the money from fraud it would pay for health care ten times more in Ukraine or Israel Oh, yeah, why not? Right. Well, that's what's annoying all these policies like if we get this much money We can cure this. So let me ask you this. You have all this money. What are you doing? I think 100 % free health care would be an awesome thing but you also want doctors to be incentivized to be really good at their jobs. For sure. So you want like Dr. Gettleman, the guy that did your knee and did my knee?

1:16:00These are bad motherfuckers. Why can't we have universal healthcare and private doctors? Yes, we should be able to have both of those things. Like public school and private school. Right, public defenders. You're allowed to have a public defender. Dude, the ease at which I got treated in third world countries was like annoying. Yeah, you just go in, see somebody, like here's your pills you need, here's your drops you need. Isn't it dirty needles and weird equipment over there? No. Really? It's Harvard-trained doctors. Come on! Yeah, there's just no upsell for it. Universal health care system in America would cost approximately$3.0 to$3.2 trillion annually.

1:16:33Oh. That's a lot. Which is actually less than the current system that costs around$5.3 trillion per year. Wow! So we're talking about a savings of almost 50%. Whoa! Why don't we get free health care? So a savings of$450 billion annually while providing coverage to all Americans. According to Perplexity, our AI sponsor, which is never wrong, the United States currently spends about$5.3 trillion in healthcare,$15 ,474 per person as of 2024. Even when something goes wrong and you have insurance, it's not paid for. No. You've got to spend five grand to get anesthesia and then another five grand to go downstairs for the surgery.

1:17:11So what do you think is the problem? What is causing it? I'm not charging it. I would imagine they want the money. Insurance. Trying to make you president. Oh, thanks. It's insurance companies. I can't have a Jew president. I've never had a Jew. I got my teeth checked in Ecuador, and they were like, you haven't packed the gums? I was like, all right. I was about to go home in a week. I was like, when I go home, I'll fix it. And they're like, are you nuts? Do it. People fly here to get that surgery. Because it's so much cheaper. Flight, hotels, all that is much cheaper than doing it there. Yeah.

1:17:39And they're like, we have a surgeon. And I was like, is he trained? And they're like, yeah, he went to Yale Medical School. Dude shows up sacrificing. Exactly. Om Shababop. Om Shababop. Well, this is why they clipped Bernie, because he was trying to do this. So they got rid of him. That was one thing he was trying to do. It kind of blows. It's embarrassing. All right, let's put it this. How much would it cost if school, like higher education, was free? Oh, there's too much money in that. They won't do it. Well, that's the same exact thing with health care. Yeah. Yeah. It's subsidized. We're making sure.

1:18:10That's where we're at as a country. It's all. And it's gone up. It's the same reason we're doing wars. Yeah. Money? Just to make money. Of course. The oil? There's nothing else. Not even just oil, but defense contracts. They need... They're raking it in. I thought it was just for fun. I mean, the war has already cost how much? Let's find out that. How much is the war? Let's just say... Globally, how much is the war? No, no, no. Let's just look at how much Iran has cost us. There we go. That's what I mean. Wait, shake a guess. Let's do bets. Shutting down the fucking street. Right, but I mean, just us spending money to bomb Iran.

1:18:38Just that. The simplest... Just the bombs? Lowest run without the economic impact, the oil impact. What about the Hormuz and all that? Because all that's a... Well, that's a factor, but let's just find out how much the raw money spent on the bombs. $25 billion. $25 billion. That's dropping the bucket. 60 days into the war. How much is Ukraine? That's a lot more. So what concerns me, not just all of it concerns me, one of the things that someone told me was that we've kind of depleted our weapon supplies because we don't have that many of those fucking missiles. That was quick. Well, we gave them all to Ukraine, we gave them all to Israel, and now we're fucking using them.

1:19:15And Zelensky's a mooch. He just keeps wanting more. I don't think it's. Oh, you think it's his? No, I think it's us. Out of Sonia? It's us. It's the U.S. It's money, but it's all together. It's all big scam, Ponzi scam. Everybody's making money. You should get Trump on here. We're doing great. Don't let anybody lie to you. Maybe next time we schmooze him into free health care. Maybe next time we schmooze him into a protect our parks. Yeah. Trump being in here? Come on, dog. It's crazy, too, because there was a pill I had to get three of when I went to Asia or something. And I got two here. They cost me$400 each.

1:19:55It's the same drug. In Myanmar, it's like$40. Well, that's one thing that he has fixed. One thing that Trump is working on is making whatever the low price is internationally the price that people pay in America. And he told... He's fucking hilarious. He was telling us, I've got a friend. I don't want to say his name. Very successful. He's a big guy. He took the fat pill it didn't work But he was going on about how his friend went overseas he forgot his fat pill He went overseas and he was in Europe, and he got it for like a hundred bucks Yeah, he's like this like thirteen hundred dollars in America.

1:20:28It's crazy. It's not right It's not right and so he made it so that whatever the low cost is in these other countries. That's the low cost in America That's what it costs here now. Is that right? Yes, everybody's on it It's like you're not going to get all good. Any drug. You're not going to get all good with any president either. You're going to get a lot of bad shit because all these people are surrounded by demons. They're surrounded by war hawks and demons and defense contractors and scam artists in the pharmaceutical industry. There's all these fucking people that are trying to make sure that they can make the most amount of money possible.

1:21:01Just all coke snorting demons, allegedly. I was watching this documentary on the homeless here in Austin, and they're talking about how, like, I was on schizophrenia medicine, and I can't afford it anymore. And they're out there just sprinting around. What happens if you take schizophrenia medicine and you don't have schizophrenia? Ooh, that's a fun night. I think I did that at stand-ups. I think I took some antipsychotics and slept for four days. Huge mistake. It helps you. I take it to sleep. It was an expired fucking antipsychotic. He was like, you're going to take this. Does he take it? I don't know if he takes it.

1:21:35It was expired, so I guess not. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but expired medication, I was just reading this thing about that. Like, most expired medication is actually still usable, like, up to 300 % longer than they say it. Yeah, it's, like, a little bit less effective, but still good. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't even know if it's less effective. This thing was saying that it's 100 % effective for a long period of time after the expiration date. I don't know why they have an expiration date. It's not like milk. Right. Yeah, the healthcare thing is really embarrassing, to be honest. Let's get some mental institutions and some free health care for these fellas outside.

1:22:06Yeah, asylum. I don't know how to, obviously no one knows how to fix it. And we got to do something. A giant percentage of those people are addicted to drugs, right? A giant percentage of fentanyl zombies. You need Ibogaine for all those people, mental health facilities. You need to get them on whatever medication to fix their schizophrenia. And it's also, it's not even like a fucking goodwill thing. It's also like, we need to fucking clean. They're breaking their cars. It's for everybody. So what are we doing? Why? Whatever. Skid Row in Los Angeles is 50 blocks. 50 blocks. The last time I looked, it said Americans pay more than two times the next country for healthcare, and we get the 17th best coverage.

1:22:50And we're the sickest. We're the sickest. Yeah. It's nuts. We spend the most money, and we're the sickest. I was just in Toronto. It was clean. Yeah, you just go right to a doctor. Even just driving around, I was like, this is crazy. How are we getting, why is America dog shit? And our shit is locked up at the CVS. They don't have that. Everybody's stealing. Wow, there's a lot of stealing. That hurts me and Mark the most. Yeah, yeah, I love to steal. Yeah, you steal. Why are you locking it up? You fucking steal. You gotta do this before you're about to steal it. Wow, I got a problem. Just at like airports and stuff.

1:23:19A little shop. No, movie theaters. You do it everywhere. Come on, don't sell yourself short. They're gonna watch it now. You need to watch it now. You steal everything. I'll steal food. Just for a thrill? A little bit of a thrill. How can I get the Winona Ryder thing? It's cheaper, too. Yeah, it's cheaper. The last time I saw Mark Steele, we're in a movie theater, and I got some popcorn. I'm sure it's closed by now. And then the lady turned around and got my popcorn, and then he just had beef jerky in the movie. Yeah, they were selling it. How did you get that? He goes, most expensive item. I just reached for it.

1:23:50Oh, boy. That's so weird. They're chiseling us, too. They up the prices. They up the prices. I mean, you get a Hudson News Clif Bar. It's$8. Not on my watch. It's ridiculous. Not on my wife. Once you're on the plane, you're home free, you know? You're raising the cost for the rest of us. Yeah, you are. No, you are. That's why I say it's got them. They put that in. They factored the theft in. You're a successful person. That's outrageous. Habits die hard. Yeah, you don't. I steal, too. No one's going to be sympathetic towards you. You have money. I'm not asking you to. I'm just saying it's a fun ride.

1:24:18I don't want it. Does the beef jerky taste better when it's stolen? Easy. Everything tastes better when it's stolen. It's so weird. Diaz, one time at the airport, he just comes off from one of those bodegas, and he comes in and he just shows me Tic Tacs. And I was like, what is that for? He goes, yeah, right? I got some. And they just threw it in the garbage. Wow. And I was like, what are you doing? I was trying to stay sharp. That's a ballsy steal. It rattles. That's a hard steal. That's a hard steal. That's right. Trying to stay sharp is hilarious. I didn't want it. I don't throw it out. I eat it.

1:24:47I don't throw it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joey's going in for surgery today. Uh-oh, tits. He's getting some. He's getting cannons. He's getting cannons. Cannon reduction surgery. He's getting top surgery. He's getting his tits removed He's getting that big scar But him shirtless is rough How many times have you seen it? Just once and it's burned in I've seen it Joey Karate Joey Karate is great That fucking guy is such an animal He's a fun guy He's got his leg up to about his knee height He's pretty good Is he around? Did he move here yet? No but he's coming back and forth all the time There he is Look at that thing.

1:25:29That looks like AI. That's crazy. Jesus Christ. He didn't even stay up. How's he alive? Without context of a background, it's wild. Wow. Bro, that belly is crazy. You gotta have a decent hog if you're gonna have that gut. Oh, he's got a hell of a hog. Is he grubbing or boozing? What is that? Grubbing. Food. He's grubbing? Oh, yeah. Joey can't stop eating. He doesn't really drink. Always high. He doesn't drink at all. I go to eat with Joey. It's a scene. It's a fun time. He loves it. Oh, that poor gee. He goes off. He eats. He eats. and loves food. But he's just... Oh my God, you're Chinese place by my place.

1:26:00You gotta come. He's the most fun human. It sucks. He's the most fun human that's ever existed. Yeah. No one's more fun. It's a good egg. He's barely a real person. He's a human cartoon. Barely real. He's so funny. So he's still getting up on stage. He's still doing sets. Oh, he killed. He killed. He was here. He did an hour. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's got all these great stories. It's really, really good. Really well done. All right. This is the man. Good to have him back. That's the thing about comedy. We're kind of losing the the wildness You know when I when I started comedy was like Geraldo and all these guys are all dead now drugs I think it's kind of coming back now I think it's coming back because TV's going away So it's like it gets down to the root of what is really effective in comedy.

1:26:45It's wildness is more effective It's more fun If you're sitting there drunk in a crowd and some dudes on stage going off saying crazy shit, it's more fun Yeah, cuz you live through them But I don't know if that's actually here. I think there's a lot of fucking guys with jobs. Sober. A lot of sobriety. Gotta get up early for a podcast tomorrow. Young guys, though. These young guys aren't like that. A lot of these young guys coming up are doing drugs. They're doing clips. Oh, good. Well, they're doing clips, but they're still wild boys. Some people are still giving it, bringing it. You hope so. Late night at the cellar used to be so much fun.

1:27:16I know. When Mac he was drinking, when it was just a drinking crowd. It was a lot of whiskey. There's that here. Here. Here, for sure. Yeah, here. Like last night. Yeah, last night was nice. We did it last night. Yeah. Oh, what'd I miss? We just had a couple drinks. Just some bros being bros. I was begging him to, I've changed my new peer pressure method. He's like, all right, come on, drink. I'm like, no, I got to get up early tomorrow. I was like, dude, you're, I'm like, oh, you're going to call me gay and lame. Bro, I've been gone. I've had time to roomate on this. You can peer. You can peer with the best.

1:27:45I got a new peer pressure. Yeah. No, I'm just saying like, I want to drink and I don't want to be alone if you're a friend. No. You were such a homo. I was like, tomorrow's going to be tough for me. I'd like it to be tough for somebody else. Do me a favor. Chug that fucking drink. Beer one. He always comes in. He has no idea what your count is. He just comes in and goes, you can do more. I'm like, I could have done one or seven, and you would have no clue. You're just like, you've got to go more. DeRose is up there, too. DeRose is the worst. He's like, dude, do a shot. It's my birthday month. Yes, yes.

1:28:15He's like a chick. He's the biggest pig in comedy. He is a pig, dude. I hate him. He'll pour shots in your mouth He doesn't care He'll tilt your hand He'll also go like Come on Don't be a pussy Do a shot And then you do And then 10 minutes later He's gone And he's at KFC He's so funny He always shits on weed people too It's hilarious I know He hates weed It's so weird I like his He's a classic drinker I'm with him dude He's a classic drinker I think he was just around A lot of All the New York comics Got sober And then just smoked weed Constantly Right And then they're like Oh you're drinking again It's like dude Dude, you haven't had a thought in fucking seven years.

1:28:53What the fuck are you talking to? Right, it's all munchies. I mean, everything can be abused. There's only a couple people on comedy that do weed like real good. Like Soder, Jay. Sure. Where they're just the same. Gomez. They're just happy. Chappelle. Chappelle. Because, yes, most people go in on weed. They still are out and fun. Right. It's a personality thing. Totally. They're still active. It's also I think it's a biological thing because I think it affects people very differently. Definitely. Can you get high when you smoke? Yeah, Jamie gets high when he smokes. Edibles just don't work on the kid.

1:29:27That's wild. Young Jamie shrugs him off. That's crazy. If you try to dose him up, he'll smile right in your face. Jamie, I'd like you to have a brewski. What's going on here? It'd be nice. We talked about this earlier and I'd love for you to get involved today. You talked at me, I didn't really have to. Uh oh! Put on the beer! Put on the beer! All of a sudden I'm talking, well it worked, he's drinking. He said something nasty And that's fine What did he say? He said you talked at me I'm trying to include you And let's have fun Jameau's a sassy bitch He's just being He's just clarifying He's an assassin You talked at me I didn't talk at you How did I talk at you?

1:30:02Well you said it was a discussion I mean it was We had a little discussion And then I said let's go watch Sixers Celtics Let's have a couple beers That's a great night Go to a bar and watch the Celtics Hell yeah Beer pressure Five times You can upload it with I think four beers or something. You're Pierce Morgan. Yeah, leave it till Monday. We don't care. When do you get in that car? Tomorrow. A tree fell on his car. Yeah, a tree smashed my car. Really? From what? The winds here? They were doing some fucking road work right in front of my house. The vibrations. Oh, they're building seven jerks in your car?

1:30:37You got second towered? Wow. I really did. You didn't even work on the street. Also, the house I live in, I'm renting this house. It's like one of those new prefab fucking or whatever those things are. These new Austin houses, which are all the exact same, which I kind of don't fucking like at all. It's not a home. Is that the same one you've been in? Yeah. It's like a 15-foot ceiling for no reason. It's one floor. Elk couch. It has this type of wall that's like standard. It's a beautiful house. It is very nice. And the last house I was in was a fucking queen's apartment. Right. That had more soul than this place.

1:31:10More soul for sure. But when I first walked into the house I'm in now, I was like, holy fuck. This is incredible. Yeah. It's just not a fucking piece of shit house. It looks like a house from a porn. It's an Airbnb. It is an Airbnb. It is weird how money changes you. Yeah. Like it changes what you're accustomed to. You get a little accustomed to the nice things. I was thinking about this. Yeah, you get accustomed to the nice things, but I keep trying to change, and I'm just not really changing. What do you mean? As a human? Yeah. The cement is dry. You're always going to be Mechanicsburg. Yeah, it's Mechanicsburg.

1:31:43It's light beers. It's like all of a sudden I realized I'm just getting drunk at higher places. Right. Like I'm just in a taller building getting drunk. Yeah, with more expensive beer. The exact same beer. It's the exact same beer. Everybody at Deep Creek. It's the same beer, but the prices go up. Everybody at Deep Creek was like pour white trash in like Maryland. And then they like got rich. And like when they were poor, like we could just barely afford one Bud Light. And now they're rich like 10 Bud Lights. What is Deep Creek? Deep Creek Lake is where pontooners go to parties. Yeah, pontooners go.

1:32:10Where's that? It's like deep, almost by West Virginia. Man-made giant lake. It rules. Same with New Orleans. We'd go out to the Boca Chitta and tube all day. Remember tubing? You'd sit on a river with a beer and a circle. If you got a piss, you'd just jump down, walk along with it. You'd just pee in the water. I think it's good that you're not changing. It's a good sign. It'd be nice if I could. Nah. I mean, you'd change a little. It would ruin you. You got some good stuff going on. It would ruin you. Literally, if you said this to Shane yesterday, if you go, you've changed. He'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

1:32:42Well, it's just wrong. I know. And I'd go, goddamn, I wish I could. He'd dress the same. But you're not going to stay in a Holiday Express. Sure. You've handled fame very well. You haven't gotten weird at all. No. Some people get weird just from the pressure of it. Almost everybody. Yeah. Almost everybody. Yeah. 98 % get different. I'm thinking of eight comics in my head right now who have gone full diva. Yeah, they get weird. It's very strange. Shane, I know you have not changed. Oh, the bottle? You've changed, bro. You've fucking changed. What the fuck? Wait, you were any toity, motherfucker?

1:33:17You worked for Israel. Now this is... That's a change. I have a taste of aluminum. Some people like the aluminum taste. Bottle beer taste in a can. It was a commercial I remember when I was little. What? It was some beer, and they go, bottle beer taste in a can. I was like, is bottle beer better? Way better. Some people like the aluminum flavor. Yeah. I like... Give me a glass bottle. A little bottle of light. What's this? Bottle beets in a can? Keystone. That's what it was? That's a shitty beer. What? My memory's served? Bad beer. Just to crush those keystones. This is a commercial from 1948.

1:33:52That's what I remember. Look how great it is. I remember Israel got independence and I was watching this commercial. Have you guys watched the Hogan doc? It's good. It's great. I fucking cried. Really? It's so good. When he's getting sued for taking down Belzer, and he's like, I was making$3 ,500 a month, and I'm getting sued for$500 ,000. I was famous but not rich. And they're like, what are we going to do? Oh, he rules. I didn't even know he got sued for that. To go into MSG, I mean, he choked the guy unconscious. And he then dropped him. His blood is bleeding. He was wearing too far. He could have, John Jones used to do this all the time, but at least it was soft mat.

1:34:26This was like hard floor. He just like threw him. Yeah, but John Jones was doing a UFC fight against a Yoda Machida. For someone who agreed. He does it and then if he just laid him down, he'd be like, point proven. Right, but he had to bring it he's on TV drunk and on steroids and on coke And someone's like yo your shit's fake Is that what Bells are saying? Yeah, it's so funny too. It's like pull it up like oh you think I'm fake is that fake? You're like no, but you don't do that when I'm talking it is fake Do you remember what John Stossel confronted that wrestler backstage? Yeah, it was great and the rest bitch slapped him a bunch of times slap the fuck out of him I think that ruined that guy's career though.

1:35:04I think also the wrestler the wrestler. Yeah I never heard of this. I don't know. I think, who was the wrestler? Stossel's still around. Stossel's still around, but I think it ruined the wrestler's career. Whoa. Because he beat the fuck out of him. He looks like, I feel like in my head he looks like Sid Vicious. Well, he's a giant dude, and he bitch slapped him open palm to the ear, which could definitely make you go deaf. But I mean, if you told BJ Penn in his prime or anybody, like, I think what you do is fake, they'd be like, it's not. John Stossel was slapped twice by WWF wrestler Dr. D. David Schultz backstage at Madison Square Garden.

1:35:36after calling pro wrestling fake during a 2020 expose. Incident left Stossel with pain and ringing in his ears, leading to a lawsuit against WWF. Jewish wrestler. You think he made money? Ari just slipped right out. Holy shit, I was like Batman. At least he's not pissing in a kombucha jar. He probably is. Give it an hour. Here it is. So he's grabbing him. He gets him in this sleeper hold, and he slumps, and then he just drops him. Head hit the floor hard. How professional is he, though, when he gets up? This incident is from a 1985 episode of... What the fuck? So Belzer was talking shit, saying it was fake.

1:36:11Great host, though. He pops right up and goes to commercial. Yeah, and he's like, all right, we'll be right back. Yeah. Heads bleeding and everything. That is crazy. Oh, wow. Look at the blood on the back of his head. You know who. It's spurting out on his jacket. Look at that. What a pro. Yeah, that is. Chris Rock could have learned a thing. Quite professional. He seems happy. Look at Mr. T. He doesn't seem upset at all. And then he sued. Yep. But he's got to be a pro. But also, you got to be, you know. I mean, his head looked like Kennedy. $400 ,000 settlement. Famously used the money to buy a home in France.

1:36:47Jokely named it Shea Hogan. That's fun. He bought a house in France. He lived in France for a while. And then he was doing. The bells are a Jew? He's had to be. Yeah. Got a lawsuit for that. Litigious. Yeah. He didn't used to pay medical bills. He bought a house. Yeah. That means it's a bonus. In France. It's a Jew move. And I think he was still doing that Law & Order show and just flying back and forth to France. I met him once. It's the funniest thing because I saw him early, early, doing those late night shows as a kid. And I was like, oh, that's a comedian. And then he's done, a lot of comics have this trajectory.

1:37:18Do nothing comedic. Yep, TV. It's like comedic, coded, serious. Well, he was a comic. He did a lot of comedy. I saw him do stand-up in Boston in the 80s. In the 80s. But then he became just serious, just a funny guy in serious roles. And not even that funny. No. And then dropped stand-up. Well, I think it's just money and ease. It's so easy. It's that velvet prison. They start giving you money. You start showing up. You're going to craft service. You're eating. Stand up as a blue collar job. Also, his co-worker is a guy who made a song called Cop Killer. He's like, I'm rich. I'm rich now, too.

1:37:51We're both rich. Don't even worry about who we used to be. Oh, Chris Maloney. Yeah. That's interesting. Not Chris Maloney. Gig, gig, gig, gig. Yeah, that's good. Eventually, they go, I'm just not that guy. I'm not 25 anymore. I know, but I mean, it's still like Carlin did it until he died. Yeah, Rickles. Rick was a real one. Yeah, Rickles. Rickles did it, he died. No, but Carl was like anti-establishment, never changed who he was. That was what Belzer was beginning in the early days. He was kind of a Carl guy. He was very conspiracy theory. He wrote a book on Elvis, Bigfoot, and flying saucers, I think it was the book.

1:38:20Wow. I read it back in the day. It's a conspiracy theory book by Belzer. You wrote five different conspiracy books. What the fuck? UFOs, JFKs, and Elvis. Conspiracies you don't have to be crazy to believe. Wow. Dead wrong. Straight facts on the country's most controversial cover-ups. Hit list. An in-depth investigation into mysterious deaths of witnesses. The JFK assassination. Wow. He's ahead of his time with that shit. Yeah. He was an interesting guy. Ju-Anon. Very interesting guy. Wow. People loved him. He was a respected comedian. He was a crowd work guy. Oh, yeah. He was the host. He was always the host.

1:38:53Yeah. He was a crowd work for SNL for five years. Oh! Wow. Really? Crowd warm-up. Wow. Brody Stevens? Back in the day, he was, you know, like a comics comic. Yeah. But there was a bunch of those guys. Like, Leno was the comics comic. Totally. Back in the day. When I started, they were like the second best comic. They also had Pryor. But like the second best comic, who's that going to be? And a lot of people were like, it was Leno. I'm like, what? Isn't that nuts? Yeah. What? Great comics. Apparently, in the 70s, he was a fucking animal. That's what I heard. Like, you get that for a reason. Yeah.

1:39:21You don't just some open mic or who gets a Tonight Show. Yeah, but it's that thing. The Tonight Show was just the golden thing. Oh, he's got the bombs. Not the fucking eagle. And he's got glasses on now. Oh, good boy. Eagles. Da, da, da. The 70s was like the golden era for those kind of comics. Oh, yeah. I mean, you had Carlin. He got, I think, four heart attacks from Coke. Whoa, really? Something like that, yeah. Maybe Pryor was four and he was three, but they were both up there. Jesus Christ. I didn't know Carlin had that many heart attacks. I mean, give it a go, JMO. I could be. How many heart attacks did Carlin?

1:39:57He had three heart attacks from cocaine. Yeah. We also had a pill problem for a while. Yeah. He had to get off pills. This was like later in his life. Right. Like late in his life, he was hooked on the pills. Oh, yeah. Carlin. Yeah, late in his life. Big drug guy. Deep into his 60s and 70s. He was the coolest of all the old, amazing guys I met. Definitely. He was up there for sure. But like I had to go get him a sandwich. Really? You went, what? He did like a month at the store. Shut up. Yeah, a month of main room shows. Oh, yeah. What year? 2000s? 2001, 2002, 2003. Wow. And I got him a Greenblatt statement and I go, here you go.

1:40:32He gave me 20 bucks. I was like, oh, no, no. Man, they covered it. He goes, I know. It's for you. I was like, oh, alright. Sorry, Mr. Carl. They go, don't call me that. He was cool. He was very unassuming. He was hanging out in the back area by the parking lot. He would also sit in the back in Mitzi's chair. And if you did well, he'd stay open mic sometimes, but only if you did well. He'd be like, good job, man. And then other people didn't and he'd be like, hi. Yeah. Wow, he zinged me pretty good once. Yeah, he was a real comic. He did a book signing because he had all those books, and I brought like four books to meet him at Borders on Wall Street.

1:41:06And I waited in line, and all these people are going like, I love you in Jersey Girl. I love you in Bill and Ted's. And I was like, ah, these people don't know comedy. So I went up and I was like, I love this special, back in town, amazing, whatever. And he goes, what do you do? I go, I'm a comic. He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around. That's what he said. Jacking around. I don't even know what that means. What does jacking around mean? He seemed like he hated me. You got a real talent for jacking around. Yeah, I seem like he hated you. He goes, you sound like a comic. I go, oh, yeah.

1:41:32He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around. Jacking around. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it. 70s lingo. Yeah. I mean, he was around the day when Lenny Bruce was around. Oh, yeah. He got arrested at his show. Did he really? He got arrested with Lenny Bruce? Yeah, they were in the same cop car. Really? It's a big story. That was his hero. Carla came into shoplift. What? Delete that, Jamie. No. Jamie. Jamie, delete that, please. That was a dry bomb. Jamie, delete that, please. I didn't catch it. We all tried to sort it out. We didn't even know you were joking. We all tried to sort it out.

1:42:06Like, what? Am I missing this? What does he mean by that? Leave it to Israel to bomb. Oh,

1:42:16those guys paved the fucking road. Tell you that. Getting arrested for jokes. Forget a heckler or some blogger. What ruined going to jail ruin Lenny Bruce's life totally the end of his life He was just reading off court transcripts on stage and the people get so bummed out. They're like hey tell some jokes Yeah, like we're here for you to do the thing there's video of it I bought video back in the day VHS tapes of his recordings and one of the Recordings was him on stage in this small club like just reading off court transcripts And it was just terrible it's like guys who get canceled and that's all they talk about right That's what happens.

1:42:51Yeah, it does. It becomes your thing. It's so crazy. You did an offhanded thing, and then now it's your everything. You got beaten one race by a chick, and now that's your whole life by a trans chick. That one, she went nuts. That girl who lost who came in fifth at a fucking race by a trans chick. Hold on a second. That one's kind of fair. Yeah, that's a different thing. She should go, why the fuck is this allowed? Not 10 years later, when she still made her life. What do you mean people talk about? A comic got beaten in a race? Not a comic. No, he's talking about the lady. I don't like your analogies.

1:43:18I don't know. It was a female athlete who lost to a trans athlete. She's going, we should have laws about this. The swimmer? Which one? Oh, that's Riley Gaines. It's her whole fucking personality now. She didn't go to school for that. She was on a track. One thing happened. And then she's like, completely changed. Same as when comments get canceled. It's like, oh, that's all BF forever. She actually had a good point. Because not only did she not lose to that person, the Leah guy, but tied. And then the Leah guy got the trophy and not her. No, no, no. But there's more to that. Leah Thomas. No, they tied for fourth.

1:43:48Yeah, but hey, we only have four trophies. We're gonna get killed if we don't give it to the trans lady Can we just send you one later? Do you know how crazy that is though? Do you know crazy that is you get it give it to a guy who pretended I'd be mad if that was a fucking comedy competition for no one saw No, that's that we'll send it to you next week. Well, wait, why is the guy coming in fourth? He should be one. Yeah, for sure. This guy sucks all of us Well, he sucked a second and third and none of those people involved came in first second and third first second third nobody cares about. Fourth and fifth is what they're arguing about.

1:44:20I don't understand what your argument is, though. It's like, who cares? Yeah, obviously. To make it your whole life after that is what you're saying about canceled comics. They become that thing. She was going to school for not that, and now that's her job. Who cares what they're going to school for? You're saying it changed your whole trajectory. What'd you go to school for, bitch? English, literature, breaking down analysis of life and stuff. Are you doing well on that right now? Yeah, pretty much. yeah you're doing terrible this moment right here that's failing you no you say these cancel comics go and they could make that their whole life this chick is not doing that she tied a race for fourth and fifth and now that's all she does for a living what is an example of a canceled comic that's made it their whole life like what we're just talking about that i don't want to name anybody right but you we've just talked about that there's a lot i understand i understand what you're saying sort of jew is on netflix jew's on netflix it's on netflix now that is pretty cool that Netflix bought it after it was out on YouTube.

1:45:15They didn't buy it. They're just putting it up. Oh, fucking geez. They gotcha. They hit the eyeballs. It was already on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally. I've read it. Can you keep it on YouTube as well or you have to take it down? Hey, that's very nice. How many views did it have on YouTube? Millions. Eight million. Eight million. It should have been six. That would have been great. Shane at the Creek is like 50 now. 53. That's insane. Yeah, there's an Indian guy that broke the record in a week. Wow. Oh, He has an Indian comic, put it up, and somebody sent it to me, and they're like, he broke your record in a week.

1:45:47Damn. It was 55 million in a week. Is it in Indian? Is it in Hindu? Yeah. Is it the Canaan's guy? One of their 50 languages. Yeah, he's gone. That's crazy. There's billions of them. But how do you know, this is a thing with views these days, though. There's companies that will jack your views up. Yeah, but that's - Sure, you gotta pay for that. Yeah, but you could pay for it, but you could get millions of views that way. You could see the difference in, like, we always do this when we talk shit about people who do it. Engagement? Yeah, they're like 5 million views, 30 comments. Right. Right. What's that about?

1:46:19Right, right, right. And what is a view? How much do you have to watch for a view to count? I think it's just a click. A click off counts as a view. That's a good question. The best is when you send someone, like an agent or something, like a clip for them to see, and they go, we watched it, we're not happy with it, and you look at it, like, it still has zero views. It's a private clip. You definitely didn't watch it. We liked it. We're not happy with it. Yeah. Or more embarrassing, when someone sends you something like I just did. That guy sent me something and I've watched it 30 times. Oh, over and over?

1:46:49And it's just me and it. He's going to see all the views are just me going, oh, that's so sick. Oh, that's so sick. I feel bad for Young Comics. Everything is about views, shares, number of followers. How many followers do you have? It's not even about funny. Yeah. It's not about funny. I still think it is, though. It is. I think eventually the cream rises, but managers will literally be like, we've got to hire this guy's gonna yeah but they don't know shit well yeah it's kind of like the industry in general they're like how much money did your movie make and then if they don't mind getting an Oscar nomination but that's not what they're really in it for I just with the comics today being worried about you gotta put out clips you gotta do the it's like sure yeah it's like do it but it's like build an act I don't know comedians always have excuses for why they're not successful which is fine I did the exact same thing but they're all like well this guy Yeah, he's only got it cuz he put all those clips out and it's like I don't know whatever works try to be funny And yeah, who gives a fuck why someone's doing well who gives a shit of a youtuber selling out a comedy club who fucking cares?

1:47:51It's yeah you what are you doing exactly just do your shit, and I understand by the way I understand I fucking loved that thing that you did where you did that documentary Showing all the leading up to Boulder the new thing that you watch that. Yeah It was great. The back crowds. The Markumentary. Thanks. It's great. And it's a great insight as to the development of bits. I really enjoyed it. I wish you were my dad. Yeah. By the way, I could be your dad. Mark, I want you to know, he told me that behind your back earlier. Whoa, thanks. Me and I were just sitting out there. He was like, you see that thing?

1:48:20I was like, fuck no. I'm not watching Mark's shit. Yeah, it's an hour long. It's good. It's not an hour long. It's really good. On the way to the special? Yeah, I did a 10 sold out at the Dallas Improv, and the special taped like a week or two later. So I was just tweaking and fine-tuning and I filmed all the bombs and all that shit. It's really great. Cool It's really great because it's like him in a bodega going over the bits like reading drinking coffee Reading over his lines and then tweaking it and changing them. Yeah. Yeah hour and 12 minutes. Oh, not the gay The quote is relevant struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart one must imagine Syphysis.

1:49:00Syphysis. That's a Salik's ad. It's a Syphysis. It was. It's pushing the boulder. Because the boulder. We're shot in boulder. Wait, did you do this? I didn't do that part. Who did this? Albert Camus. The director. Matt Salikus. You should beat his ass. It is a little pretentious for what this is. A little bit. That's what I should have started with. Sheath underwear. Come back to earth, yeah. Oh, God, Mark. Why do you have a nice ass, you fucking homo? I'm clavicular. Why do you have nice legs, you pussy? He micro fractures his butt cheeks. I was with deadly hung over there. That's hilarious. Just shitting it out But it's a great it's really great for comics to see especially young guys coming up like what the process is like You know to see a guy like you's been the game a long time is really good Yeah, see a bunch of specials already see you bombing and tweaking and showing everybody the bits not working well And then working really well.

1:49:48Thanks. I enjoyed it. Yeah, there's this idea that everything is magic No, it's just like their struggle. They're like okay trial and error How many times have you seen Louis bomb and you're like, well, this guy's the best ever. Why is he bombing? Chris Rock used to come to the store and the crowd would go nuts and he would say, relax, it's not going to be that funny. Right, lower your expectations. He would tell them that because he was just running material and trying to find every possible angle and get laughs occasionally and sometimes not and then tweak it afterwards. Yep, yep, that's part of it.

1:50:17That's why Eddie Murphy can't come back because I don't think he's willing to bomb for six months. It's not even six months, it's years. We've had this discussion on this podcast. Play or Kelly. It's also, it's the Velvet Prison, the movies, the fucking craft service, getting picked up in a limo. It's like the grind of writing your own material, putting it all together, everything riding on your back. Like, that is a warrior's game. And some people don't want to do that anymore. It's also like you've got to do a Tuesday at the stand where there's 19 people. I also understand older comics back in the day not wanting to do it because movies were so much more lucrative.

1:50:53Oh, yeah. And stand-up is not. Stand-up is 10 times more lucrative. It is now. And it's like, dude, do stand-up. Yeah. Like, just do stand-up. I mean. But stand-up is a lot of work. I remember there was a couple people back then go, I would take a pay cut if I did a sitcom. And it was like a couple people. And now it's like kind of everybody. Yeah. You'd have to make Seinfeld money like season seven and beyond to go, I'll take off the road for this. And now there is no Seinfeld money. It doesn't exist. I know. Miss Pat is the only person with a sitcom right now. What about this guy? VT. Oh, that's right.

1:51:23You have tires is different though because it's a single camera. Yeah, like tires is like a show It's a show it's a great funny show Thanks, but it's like there's a difference between the the thing that everybody wanted was the live audience for camera You do it on NBC CBS you get residuals That was like the golden carrot that they hung over your head. Totally stand up stand up couldn't pay No, nobody did anything but clubs back then it was like dice clay We were at Spade House and we saw a billboard, a poster, his thing's like a museum, and a poster for Evening of the Improv with him and Chris Rock.

1:51:59Who's that? David Spade. Oh, wow. And I was there with Nate and he goes, you did like club for this? And he goes, bro, we only did clubs. None of us ever did theaters back then. If we were really good, you'd do six days at a club. Carlin did theaters. Yeah. Legends did theaters. Dice did MSG once. Yeah. Steve Martin, a couple times. Oh, Dice did MSG many times. He did Nassau Coliseum. Dice did. Dice was doing enormous places when no one was doing it. Dice was the original stadium act. But then it was no one until Dane. Between Dice and Dane, there was nobody. And now it's a lot of Dice. And now people are playing at Des Moines.

1:52:36They're playing arenas. Yeah, it's not that many guys. I mean, it's probably at least 20. Comparing. Arenas? Bargatze. Kevin Hart. Sebastian. Regularly. Hinchcliffe. Louie. Well, hold on, fellas. let's not diminish it no no you, Sebastian, Gabriel Gabriel's doing giant places Joe Coy, giant places Matt Reif Matt Reif, giant places Segura, Segura's doing arenas I met a guy, I met an Indian kid outside New York Comedy Club Indian kids will do something and I was like, oh what are you doing in town? he goes, doing comedy, he's like, oh that's cool man, what are you playing? and he goes, MSG that doesn't count I was like, what?

1:53:14Indians don't count Indians count as much as Christian movies counts in the box office. You'd be top 10 every time. They're horrible. That's hilarious. Yeah, probably 10, 12? You know. 10 to 20. You see it on it. Or do an arena every once in a while. Rife? Matt Rive. Rife's doing a lot. It's a matter of whether you want to do arenas all the time. The point is, way more than no one between Dane and Dice. Right, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Because comedy's so big now. Yeah, and there's a ton of guys doing 1 ,500 seaters. Yeah, a lot of them. Oh, Schultz, I think, does arenas. I don't know if he's regularly doing arenas.

1:53:54Oh, he does regular arenas. Yeah, he does arenas regularly. Whenever he wants. Whenever he wants. Bert. Tom. Bert, yeah, Tom, yeah, there you go. Tony. There's a lot of people doing arenas now. Mostly guys from my storytelling show. Oh, which is also online behind a paywall. The end. These three guys are on it. Arena comic. Nice. Theater comic. Club almost sells out Saturdays. in Denver it's just because you're likable

1:54:24we had Tony, Nate we had a bunch of you, Tony, Nate Tom four arena comics that's wild, the three private jets were at that show that's insane we got paid 500 bucks you can cut this out if you want cut back in you should be mad it stunk I wouldn't want to do that. It stunk. With that last jet. We need a transition. We need a transition. Let's go back. The 9-11. Yeah. What? What does that sound? Go, baby, go.

1:54:58Oh, look at the gay Ayatollah.

1:55:05Freedom's the only way. Straits of our moves. Iran needs to understand. Freedom's the only way. Woo! Fuck the regime. We're coming back, brother. We're bombing everybody, brother America, we need to bomb everybody Fuck healthcare Dude, I'll tell you, I met so many people who shit on America While I was traveling, it made me more nationalistic I couldn't agree more If I go to another country and somebody's like You guys are blah blah blah I go, dude, you guys are doing nothing We need healthcare, we're fucking up And somebody's like, why don't you guys have healthcare I'm like, why don't you shut your mouth Because we have stealth bombers, bitch All the Australians, you treat your minorities bad I'm like, you wiped yours out Yes, we have football.

1:55:44Blow me. Yeah, we have college football, bro. We have college football. We got movies, music. Once you go to another country, that's when you go. Why don't you guys shut up? Who's number two with stand-up comedy? What country's number two? England. Oh, sure. Well, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr, those are two greats. Carr is great. Carr is an international great. Carr is the best. Stuart Lee. Carr is so good. Carr's great. He was so good. He performed at the Mothership. He's running all his new jokes. I was like, this guy is a motherfucker, dude. Great writer. He's just dominant and so calm. So smart, man.

1:56:16Such a smart dude. Tight jokes. Do you hear any of those brewskis? I'd like to get involved with this. What are you looking for this time? America. Glass or can? I would never waste a glass on a bong. Shane, you haven't changed at all. I wish I could, brother. It's time to change. You don't want to change. I haven't changed. You have not. I don't think I have. You can't go out as much. You did change very little. Yeah, I get a little weird. You changed, yeah. You changed in unimportant ways. You're more into hunting. Wow. but like it's not like archery different but that to me is like my way of staying sane no you just got a bunch of things like pool archery martial arts those things just keep me sane i have to do some things that keep me from going off the rails yeah and staying off of twitter didn't you have a thing where your manager or business manager one of them was like hey joe we got it when you just start headlining correct me i'm wrong we're like we gotta have a talk with you and you're like what's the matter and they're like buddy we don't want to get this out of hand we we know you have a gambling addiction and we want to get you help and you're like what do you mean like you're blowing through money in a way and he goes no i just love lobster and steak oh i was eating steak and lobster that's my first my first development deal my manager thought that i had a gambling problem because i was spending so much money i'm like bro i'm eating steak and lobster every night he's like you're not worried at all you're gonna run out of money i'll go i'll make more money We'll figure it out.

1:57:35I'm like, once we get in the gate, like, I'm one of those people that, like, if I figured out how to get in the gate, I'm going. I'm going to keep my foot on the gas. I'll be fine. Joe, you brought so many openers with you that we made more money than you. We did the math once. We're like, he's barely making more than us. But it was about fun. It was so fun. It has to be about fun. Because I did gigs with, like, local guys, and some of them were great. Like, that's how I got to meet Segura. Yeah. I met a bunch of guys who became my friends that were local guys, but it was like one out of ten. And that means nine times I'm in a town, bored, watching TV, fucking not enjoying myself.

1:58:13And then being, sometimes they're mean. Sometimes they step on your material on purpose. On purpose. Yeah, and sometimes they'll be like, don't do the negging thing a woman will do where she'll shit on you on purpose. Like, I don't know you that way. I'm trying to be nice to you. I hate that. Well, there's a lot of weirdness because you're the headliner and they're jealous and they think they should be the headliner. I'm better than you. Yeah. They go do local material, and you're like, all right. Okay, buddy. Fucking asshole. There's a lot of that. You should do this. Hey, let's switch tomorrow.

1:58:37Yeah. You can go on last for 15. But the gigs were always a party. We had fun everywhere we went. We had fun. Fun is key. Like, I'll do Skank Fest, and you make, what,$17? Yeah. But, you know, my friend's like, ah, you make no money. I'm like, it's fun. It's a great weekend. I know who that friend is. I was trying to explain this to guys. Wait, which friend? One of Tony's agents was trying to pitch this fucking horrible idea not even Tony's agent Someone was trying to pitch this horrible idea where Tony would take a percentage of everybody's podcast that was on kill Tony was like no fucking way like even and I was like that money if you got it from them You wouldn't it wouldn't change the way you feel you would feel the same You wouldn't you wouldn't say I feel so much better now that I have X more dollars in the bank but you would feel like a piece of shit because you were fucking people over.

1:59:26You would pay all that money back plus to not feel that way. To not feel bad, yeah. Yeah, you would give it all back. You would not be a piece of shit. It's like... There's nothing better than helping your buddies. Nothing better. It's kind of the only nice thing. Yeah. Shane pays people on the road out of spite. What do you mean? Like, Lev was talking dumb shit. He was so fucking couldn't get out of his own fat way. And he goes, no, clubs are better than arenas. You're crazy. And Shane's like, you've never done an arena. He goes, dude, you know how Levis. All Jews. He's like, I know what I'm talking about.

1:59:59And Shane, out of spite, he goes, I'm going to give you a lot of cash to come over for me on the road. And Levis is like, arenas are better, and I paid my rent for the year.

2:00:11Yeah, those shows. Your crowds are great. Those shows are so fun. You do 15 to 20. You just play the hits. It's a great time. Fun is fun. Fun is fun everywhere you go. And I play Xbox with a bunch of guys from the NHL. Yeah, exactly. Dude, it's crazy. You want to know Reno? I don't think I've had a woman in my green room. It's just 15 dudes. We're trying to have a good time here. We're playing Xbox. You can see the guy who owns the Reno is so disappointed, too. They come in thinking it's going to be cool because stand-up is cool now. And they come in, it's me, Soder, and Shane playing some fucking video game.

2:00:40It just smells like body odor. And they're just like, ugh. And the chicken nuggets and the rider. My rider's chicken tenders and a case of beer. Yeah. second worst pizza in town and bring it yeah but that video game you play brings everybody in it's a great icebreaker yeah it's the hangout afterwards I have so many memories of us like some town and just going to anybody in the street like is there a place to eat around here like wow there's a fogo de chow it was like what yeah well all you need is us like in a green room sometimes I'm like I don't even want to go to the bar this is the best the hang's everything yeah at the mothership it was like whenever it was like we're going under mid-season I'm like, this is a great thing right here.

2:01:19We got liquor. We got the elites. Yeah, but Mitzi's, once it clears out, it's perfect. Well, once the regular people are out. Yeah, once the crowd leaves. Well, that's the cool thing about Mitzi's. It becomes a private club after 11 minutes. That's nice. Always lose my voice in there, though. Same. Well, Tony's chain smoking like a fucking old lady. Tony's chain smoking. Everybody's drinking. There's great music playing. He's like, oh, hell yeah. Tony needs a cigarette extender. His ability to write roast jokes is extraordinary. It's very weird. I gave him an angle yesterday. Can we say? What?

2:01:59Is he on the big one? Oh, yeah. I just gave him an angle. I was like, what about this? He goes, ooh. I'm like, something like this? He goes, yeah, but wittier than that. Yes. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to write a joke. Well, as soon as you got off, I was like, they're there. I'm like, yeah, now you do your thing with it. Those jokes are there. He thinks in that kind of joke, like roast joke form. Like that's how, like he's so fat, he blah, blah, blah. That's how his mind works. It's really fun to watch. It's like, because I don't, that muscle's a different muscle. It's a different muscle.

2:02:28Both your guys was good yesterday. It was funny watching them do a, going to be a massive thing ahead of time for a crowd. The crowd's like, this is so cool. Yeah, well it's cool because they get to see it worked out and they're going to get to see it live. Right. And you get to see people go, the jokes are good. Not on that one. I'm very happy with the jokes. And you're going out cold, right? You've got to open it. Yeah. That's tough. I'm worried about, I don't think I'm a good host as far as the, hey, everybody, we're on live on Netflix. I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to go, all right, fuck that.

2:02:58Just be yourself. This is my joke. This is my joke. Yeah. It don't matter. Once you start talking, it's all good. Dude, there's a video I saw of Waylon Jennings Jr. I think it was him. And they're doing a roast, like a barbecue. And they're like, we're here, waiting for him to show up. but he's been barbecuing into this thing for the last 14 hours. And then they come in, some ladies interview him. He's like, so we're ready for your roast. He goes, oh, that's not mine. He was like, no. And she was like, what do you mean? He goes, no, that's a TV thing. That's fun. He goes, no, mine would be underground, and we'd have moonshine.

2:03:27And she goes, for the bass thing? No, for fun, while we're waiting for the meat to come out. Yeah. He just ruined the TV version of it. He's like, no, that's a lie. Yeah, I got kicked off of Last Comic Standing for that. Because they put you in a room, and they're like, they want you to have drama? They're like, what do you think? Who are you going to beat? And I'm like, I'm probably going to lose. And they're like, no, no, no. You got to talk shit. And I'm like, oh, they don't want me on here. I'm going to bomb. And they're like, what are you doing? You're ruining the show. They want you to be like, fuck that guy.

2:03:52I'm going to take him down. Just say, hey, guys. Well, anyway, we know what this is. I don't know how you would do it. That's a tough part. I'll do it. That's a hard part. I'll do it. There's just a couple jokes that I'm like, I know they're funny, but it's like, man. That's going to be tough to tell publicly. You had a couple jokes in there that were like, you can hear the reaction of laughter or like, oh. Yeah, and that's a fucking mothership crowd. Yeah, exactly. That's a bunch of people that are like, I paid good money to see somebody be racist tonight. And they're like, bro, calm down. It's hilarious.

2:04:24The black jokes go hard. The black jokes go hard. They do. But hey, you know, it's a rose. This is what we want to see. I know, but I gotta go fucking first. That's true. Yeah, the emceeing is tough because you haven't emceed in forever. But is Kevin Hart going to be there? It's definitely not like emceeing. I've never done anything. Of course he's going to be there. But like when he's out, if he's out first. 100%, he has to be there. If he's laughing, you're golden. He'll laugh. Oh, he'll laugh at everything. Yeah, so the black jokes with the black guy laughing, you're good to go. Yeah. It's more the...

2:04:52Internet? How you guys doing? The crowd. Oh. Because it's in LA. Because I am going to be, it's going to be live and I'm going to say some pretty offensive of things and then I'm going to have to stay in the pocket of being like, I know the people at home like this, but now an entire room of famous people don't like me. They're going to kill. On paper, it sounds easy. I know people in the WNBA, people that work in management and the players, and I was going to war over your ESPYs thing. They were not happy with it at all. They seemed like a grumpy bunch anyway. they go you gotta know who you're playing for and I was like right to me at home watching and they go that's not worthy audience I'm like no you're in the room we're all at home laughing and we thought it was hilarious like she didn't even know this lady's name and I was like well that's his point but the Espy's was a good training ground Espy's was great I was nervous and awkward on that no but they got 10 million views it's for the internet America fuck yeah

2:06:00What night is the roast? Sunday. Oh, fuck. I'm going. Damn. Where you at? My first one. I'm getting there Tuesday. Oh, no. Why don't you go there early? I get there Sunday and then... It's the 10th. It's the next Sunday. Oh, okay, okay. All right, cool. You gonna stay? I think I have a gig. Me and Louis got matching Legion of Skanks outfits. Oh, you're on the team now. Yeah. How's that going? You're a member of the Legion of Skanks now. Oh, with Jay. Does this stop you from moving to UK? Unfortunately, it does. Good. Thank God. Fuck those line days. Not even unfortunately. This is a massive opportunity for me creatively.

2:06:37This is like a dream. You've been going long enough. Thank God for the fucking Mossad plant to get out of there. The Mossad couple. So I was like, ooh. Yeah, maybe I'll stab you. Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, you have to. Fuck going to England. They're going to stab you anyway. You left enough. That's true. They'll stab you. It's still your phone. They do get stabby over shooting. Getting stabbed would fucking blow dick. Suck. You're right there with the guy, too. At least a gunshot. Gunshot could be like, where did he even come from? Some distance, yeah. He's like, I know. It's you. It's you. I hate you.

2:07:07Right. Oof. Yeah, England. Yeah, anyway. You're better off. Yeah, you're better off. I think it's good. It's divine. Well, nothing's better off than Skanks. Yeah. There you go. What was it? 15 years running? Yeah. This is perfect for you, Ari. It's my show. England's not perfect for you. Vice president? Although it's weird seeing you tied down to something. Yeah, it is. I've never seen you commit. What are you going to do once a week? When Shane and I ran for president and vice president, we'll get into another episode, but the logline was until one of us betrays the other. Until one of us double crosses the other one.

2:07:41We didn't. We didn't. Only because you found out Louis was going to fuck with me and you double crossed him. Yes. Dude, that was nice. Of course. I would never do that. I'm not going to let my president go down like that. I'm J.D. Vance, bro. I'm mad. Underrated something that happened in COVID is Shane, we're like, we're making a... You guys were making the biggest mistake comedically. I was so mad. There was a video going around of all these stars singing some like Beatles song. Oh yeah. Imagine there's no heaven. So Louis's idea was like, let's do something making fun of it. We'll all sing a song.

2:08:17It was down with the sickness. Down with the sickness. And we'll make a video. And I was like, oh, I'll edit it. So we just got to sing. But I need every single one of you to sing the full song and I can choose and then I'll pick and then I just have a Full video of every single one of these dumbasses singing that song And I was like first off the idea was not funny. That is gay. I will not I was doing it as a favor To Lewis I was like if you think this is good and then Shane Shane called me goes how how bad will your retaliation be if I release your video? Dude, I didn't put any one's videos.

2:08:49I was like bro As a comedian, you should do it. I will scorch the earth to get back here. Send Ari's to Jamie right now. Do you have it categorized? Do you have it in a folder? I kept trying to... It was hard to make sure they did it seriously. So I was like, no, don't fuck around. It would be funnier if you guys were really singing the best you can. You fucked around in yours. I did? Oh, thank God. But it's still a horrific and embarrassing video. That whole thing was so weird. Imagine There's No Heaven while Granny just died of COVID. Also, it's like this is a war song. Yeah. It's a war and religion song.

2:09:30What are we doing? That was a very strange time where people just got into smelling their own farts. Yeah. Well, the COVID-hidden actors had no juice anymore. They were like, oh, we got to stand out. Please don't. Oh, my God. This is the real one, the one that I imagined video. I can't watch this. I'm just throwing it up for you guys to see. Actions really made themselves worthless. Will we get in trouble? Yeah, I can't. Okay, we can't sing it. The Beatles are probably... You can Sarah Silverman being all serious. She's like, what stars are in this? I'll do it. Oh, she was being joking. I don't know who that is.

2:10:00Who is that? Timothee Chalamet. What's wrong with his teeth? Oh, Fallon. Oh, Fallon. He's an opener now. You can kind of hear it. Oh, man. This is fucking insane. This is worse than being on Epstein's Island. Get an iPhone clamp. God, actors. Yeah. They're so fucking weird. Well, they're not as important as they used to be, so they're like, oh, this will be relevant. They're about to be relevant. COVID, they were like, I'm not getting attention. Let's just do it ourselves. And you're like, you guys can't do this. The worst was the black and white one when they're like, I am ashamed of my whiteness.

2:10:32Yeah. Oh, my God. That wasn't even a song. That was just them talking. The black and whiteness? Yeah. Doing the BLM. There's so many good ones. You do? There's so good. The Rosa. The Rosa. The Rosa. I got the Rosa going. Send that to Jamie right now. Send that to Jamie right now. DeRosa will get sincere. DeRosa gets sincere, especially when he's drunk. Dude, you're such a good friend. I'm like, shut up, kid. You're adopted. Shut up. Shut up. I would never be friends with an adopted guy. You Egyptian weirdo. Everybody was trying to be silly, but the bit sucked so bad. So bad. I was so happy when you guys would do that.

2:11:07I was at Stanhope's when this was going on. Oh, my God. I didn't even get the bit. I was just drunk at Stanhope's. You guys suck. You killed us. Me and Stanhope were hammered. You killed us. I was like, look how much these dudes suck. That shit blew, dude. I can't believe you guys did that. How much you got left in there? It's such a weird thing where people decide to do things to make themselves look like they care. Look like they care. That's the thing about Hollywood. They want to look like they care. And it's so fucking transparent. That's always a bummer you get that text like, hey, can you make a video for this?

2:11:39I'm like, ah, it's going to ruin my whole day because you have to think about it and spend time on it. It's a nightmare. Change your number. Yeah, like, can you help me with this? You get one or two of those, change your number. There we go. Joe Joe Rabbit. Music, please. Music, please. Oh, it's going to be cold. Woo, he's back, baby. Ibogaine. Yeah, Ibogaine. Ibogaine. Mushrooms. Yeah, congrats on the Ibogaine, bro. That's sick. Dude, that is such a win. That is such a gigantic win. They're hoping to reschedule. They're going to reschedule the psychedelics and have them available to people. What's interesting is that all this was done during the Nixon administration to squash the civil rights movement Civil rights movement and the anti-war movement.

2:12:23Black people don't even like mushrooms And that was also one of the things that I got to say It's one of the things that I got to say during the whole Trump thing. You said black people don't like mushrooms? I said, no, I didn't say that. Black people don't like mushrooms I said they love certain foods, but you can't bring them up I said these things weren't made illegal It was like because it was all live. They couldn't stop me from saying it and Trump just let me talk So I said these aren't illegal because they're harmful. They're illegal because of the sweeping Controlled Substances Act of the 1970s and the Richard Nixon administration to target the civil rights movement the anti-war movement Hmm.

2:12:59That's why they made them illegal They're not illegal because they're harmful and the idea that they were schedule one for all these years with so many people We're using them to quit smoking, to quit drinking, to quit drugs, to get their life together, to relax before they're dying. So many people that are filled with anxiety because they're dying of cancer, they take mushrooms and they're like, I think I'm going to be okay. Can you get fucked up on Ibogaine? No, it's not recreational at all. Oh, weird. Oh, it's bad. It's a bad experience. What? Yeah, it's not like a fun time. But it's neuro-regenerative.

2:13:29It helps people. Rick Perry, the governor, he had some sort of natural atrophy of his brain that happens when you get older. Within six weeks or so after doing it, 25 % of the atrophy was gone. Six months later, 100 % of it was gone. What? Yes. It's nuts. It's very positive, but a bad feeling when you're doing it. Who is this? Interesting. Rick Perry. Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas, Republican governor, who is a staunch anti-drug guy. his whole life and then he talked to all these veterans that were using it to get off of whatever opiates they were on. He's like, let me try it in secret?

2:14:07I don't know if it was let me try it in secret because he was open about talking about it and he did it and he said it changed his life too. And he says this is my life now. I'm dedicated to trying to make this stuff legal. So it's kind of like Ozempic. It makes you stop doing stuff. Well, Ozempic is weird because it does make you stop doing addictive things too. It does. But it cuts down your sex drive too. It cuts down love. Like you don't get excited. Whoa People are saying it keeps you from being passionate heavy cuts down love It's just really see we were talking about that lady some of these hot actresses that are doing it and they don't need to do it

2:14:47It's Girls don't realize like a little bit of fat on them is hot. Yeah Ten pounds overweight. It's like what they think they're Especially if they're confident with it. Just give them curves. Rachel Ray. When they lose all that weight and get that Ozempic face, it's like, what are you doing? Pull up Olivia Wilde. You see her? She looks like a ring-tailed lemur. That's what we were just talking about before you got here. Oh, man. Pull up her and a lemur. It's dead. The eyes. It's dead on. Who's Olivia Wilde? She's a really beautiful actress. Olivia Wilde is top-hot, top-hot. Gorgeous. She's so hot.

2:15:23No, she's never fat. She wasn't fat at all, man. But she's been... Look how hot. Look how hot. Gorgeous. But now look at the most recent video of her. Yeah, look at that. Oh! Now pull up a ringtail lemur if you can find one. I know exactly what a lemur looks like, bro. It's a cute little nugget. Look at that! Same eyes! Same eyes! Oh, my God! Wait, what happened to her? Did she just hit the wall? I don't know. There's no way she just hit the wall. She's still fairly young. How old is she? And she was really hot. She was on a... Some 42. She's still hot, dude. She was in house in 2007. She's older.

2:15:56She's 20 years older than she was at a house. Yeah, but dude, recently she looked really hot. Also, she's gorgeous. Gorgeous. No, I don't think it's the wall, dude. Her real name's Cockburn. That's funny. Okay, but does anybody know if she's taking that stuff? No, I don't think so. That's not even Ozympic. That's the eyes. That's a different thing. Look at the giant eyeballs. She might feel bad doing this. Yeah, I don't want to smudge the lady. She's still a beautiful lady. Let's not blame Ozympic. It's still a fucking clavicle. But I think a little bit of it is just like women have this thing where they think they're supposed to be skinny.

2:16:30Yeah. Oh, 42. Well, they are. Yeah, but dude, 42. Look at fucking, what's her name? Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at Outliers. She's hot as fuck. I mean, that's a Puerto Rican. Yeah, look at LeBron, but everybody else goes out at 38. Hmm. Could you hit me one of those brewskis? Absolutely, buddy. What are you looking for? A bottle. Hey, bottle rockin'. This is sad that so many of these women think that they have to be waist-footed. Especially in Hollywood. Like, look at that. That's from January. Look at that. That's from January. I think it's just a bad picture, bad night or something.

2:17:00It could be a bad night. That's this January? I thought that was a great picture. She's still beautiful. And she doesn't even look remotely overweight. Dude, Seth Rogen looks like a troll next to her. That's from two weeks ago. Two weeks? Wow. Oh, no, that's just a bad picture. No, she's fine. She might have been just bad video. Let's leave her alone. Beautiful lady. She's a beautiful lady. Lady, I was wrong. You didn't hit the wall at all. Here's the big fat guys that need the Ozempic. Need it. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. My friend, he's on the fat pill. And some of them defeat it. Yeah, I know a guy.

2:17:30We know a guy. Foley. Foley, I didn't want to say his name. Foley plowed right through Ozempic. He beat Ozempic. How did he do that? He keeps eating. He has habits. Dude, when we were doing the 999, we were three hot dogs in. We had nine hot dogs, nine beers, and nine innings. And by the way, pitch clock. So it's way harder than when it was invented. Although we did get there early. We got there. O 'Connor had seven hot dogs before the national anthem. That's unbelievable. O 'Connor's like, what's your strategy? He's like, I'm going to just chug these hot dogs, chug hot dogs, passed out until the 6th, woke up and started chugging beer.

2:18:01We had to wake him up in the night to be like, dude, you're two away. You got to get it. He got it. He was like, I'm a champion. It's the bread. The salt gets you. That was disgusting. Yeah, but H Foley, three hot dogs in. You look over. He's eating a cheesesteak. He's getting other grub. he's eating other food what are you doing and he goes I'm on a Zipk I don't think I'll win bro I don't care how fucking how full I am if you put a cheesesteak in front of me I'm eating that shit it's like there's a new place in Austin there's a food truck that Tony turned me out to that has cheesesteaks they are fucking just had one on Monday what is that place Jamie do you know the place do you know what it is don't say it we'll never get in again what's that no not at all I'll ask Tony I think I saw it on on Seamless I almost got it Philly all day.

2:18:47It's so legit. Is it on 6th Street? Because the food sucks over there. The food sucks on 6th. Yeah, it's a weird spot because it used to be the dirty 6th. It was all just like drunk people food. It's still. They didn't have to be good. It's still. It's getting worse, dude. You got Black Rabbit, that's it. But there's a Fogo de Chow a block away. I think it might be R &B's. There's a Fogo de Chow a block away from the club. It's down the street. Yeah, it's on 6th. It's R &B's. It's on like 2nd or 3rd. I've never seen it. What is? Fogo? Fogo? It's on Congress. So it's two blocks away. Yeah, but it's not 36.

2:19:19It's way off right right, but it's not far It's still downtown. These are the guys these are the guys I'm going there tonight So what is it? What's the name of it? R &B's R &B's Steak and Fries bro. I'm telling you they're fucking cheese steaks are so legit. Let's meet the brothers. These guys brought them to the the club and I was like and Tony's like Dude, you gotta try this. I was like, I'm not really hungry, but let me... I start one bite, and I scarfed it. I scarfed it. Ooh, they got that fucking sauteed onions. Oh, it's so good, dude. It's so good. These guys are so... And they're cool dudes.

2:19:54Very, very, very legit. Wait, go back up. I want to see his nickname. Boo. Boo. Black guys rule. Boo Radley. Man, it's almost time for Jeremiah Love highlights. Easy. It's almost time, dude. Jeremiah Love? Oh, yes. Who that is? I love that you're asking. Who that is? What are we talking about here? Is that politics? No. No. Football. That sounds like football. Never name running back. Jeremiah Love sounds like a football player. Yeah, it does. He certainly is. Yeah. If he was a fighter, he'd probably quit in the third round. I don't know if he. Like a guy with that name? If he had autism. I think he does.

2:20:29He's got at least OCD, but they did a nice document. Like before the game, they always, like College Game Day always runs like a heartwarming story. But he had like autism as a kid and they were like we don't know what to do And then we got him in football and he was just a fucking animal Oh wow He's just He's so fast Wow look at him go Wow Looking at his own side line Dude autism is a superpower Well you just gotta channel it Tell me about it Norman Talk to speak on it You gotta find a piano or comedy I can speak about Neanderthal genes You can speak about autism These guys are tackling wrong Look at him go, dude.

2:21:08Wow. Matt's trying to catch a guy that runs that fast. Wait till you see him jumping over people. These guys are tackling Rob. Oh, my God. He's like the correspondence shooter. Hey, Jamie, who is that guy that they just signed from Africa? He's a 21-year-old guy who's never played football before. What? Philly did. Yeah. He's with the Eagles. Football does that where you're like, as long as you've got the skills, we got you. That was a nice juke. Let's just keep this rolling for a second. Whoa, look at that. What a wiggle. Oh, my goodness. All they got to do to tackle him is look him directly in the eyes.

2:21:35Look at him go. Why? Because autism Look at you back though. They hate work if he doesn't look at you back

2:22:06His whole body was vibrating when I was hugging him. Good Lord. I mean. That's not touching. Oh, man. How sick is Jeremiah? Too much touching. Bro, I love a great athlete. Show Joe him jumping over some people. Hey, what are you boys doing next weekend? I think I got a gig. I got to go to. Next week is a roast. Next Saturday. Next Saturday. Oh, yeah. Netflix fest. I got to do TD Garden in Boston. Whoa. What are you doing? UFC. UFC in New Jersey. Sean Strickland, Hamza Chimaev. Hamza's bad. Bro, they're not even going to have a face-off. They're worried about putting them close to each other because Sean has talked so much shit.

2:22:43He's a wild dude. He's a wild dude. And that shit-talking that he does, it's emotional warfare. Because, like, you'll think about the shit. He calls him a goat fucker. Wow. He won't stop talking shit. He has no filter. Sean Strickland said that he said if those three goat fuckers, he comes up to me with three of his Chechen goat fucker friends. He said, Sean was like, I'll shoot them. I'll pull out my gun. I'll shoot all three of them. He's going like this. Boom, boom, boom. Jesus. He's talking so much shit. But it's emotional warfare. It's like what Conor used to do. What Conor did with Jose Aldo, he had him so fucked up before that fight.

2:23:22Yeah. And he was just like so emotional. Because Aldo was a legend. Nobody talked shit about him. Everybody was terrified of him. And Conor was just constantly talking shit about him. It worked. Stole his belt at a press conference. and was holding it up. And by the time the fight happened, Aldo was just so worked up, and Conor was just super relaxed and smiling. That's how Roberto Duran beat Robinson, because he called his wife a whore a bunch. Who's Robinson? Sugar Ray. No, Leonard. Leonard, sorry. Wrong Sugar. How dare you. Sugar Ray the band. He talked Sugar Ray into fighting his kind of fight.

2:23:57Do you think Strickland can do that? No. Strickland is a... He's good, but he's not even speaking on the couch together. Strickland is one of the best fighters on planet Earth. But so is the other guy. So is Hamzat. But Strickland is also a legitimate world champion. He's a guy who's accustomed to five-rounders. He's got phenomenal cardio. He's one of the hardest guys to hit in the sport. Can he wrestle? 100 % he has a shot. Underrated grappling. Listen to me as an expert, allegedly. He's one of the best takedown. He's got some of the best takedown defense in the game. Underrated grappling. Strickland has a legit chance.

2:24:33Can I just say this? As someone who's heard you talk about this kind of stuff for many, many years, you give it up more for the person you think is not going to win. Oh. Interesting. Because you didn't say shit about Hamzat in this. You just said Strickland has a chance. No, no, no. I will tell you a lot about Hamzat. It's obvious. So you go, but don't count out the underdog. No, I'll say that eventually if you give me a chance, you fucking blabbermouth. You stop talking. Jesus Christ. You stop. You stop. You already made your point. Jesus Christ. No, Tom's 100 % can win. He dominated Drickus Duplassi like he didn't even belong in there with him.

2:25:07Exactly. And Drickus was the world champion. And Drickus had beaten Sean Strickland. But the last time he beat Strickland in the second fight, Strickland, they made him fight. He had a shoulder injury. Strickland's a wild boy. And he crashed his dirt bike and fucked his shoulder up. Cool. Strickland's an animal. And they allowed him, I mean, they forced him, I should say, to fight. Plus 340. Damn. Listen, man, I'm telling you he can win. Not only did he beat Adesanya, but the guy does not get tired. Strickland has some of the best fucking cardio in the sport. He's one of the hardest guys to hit.

2:25:41He's very clever with his boxing. He's got one of the best jabs in the sport. Strickland can win this fight. All right. It's not saying he's going to win. Hamzat is the best grappler at 185, period. If he gets him on the ground, it could be over. And Hamzat can fucking strike, too. It's not just a grappler. He's an animal. Well, I mean, that's what I mean with the shit talk. Look, maybe he's trying to talk him into standing. Right. Or talk him into a war or talk him into hitting the gas. Full clip trying to take – Aljamain Sterling did a video about this. And Aljamain said, here's the thing. If Hamzat tries to just run him over, tries to just take him down, run him over, submit him, and can't do it, then that's a problem.

2:26:21Because then he gasses himself out in the first round. This is a five-round fight. Strickland is notoriously durable, notoriously in incredible shape, and he's calm. He knows how to fight in wars. He's accustomed to that. He had a very abusive childhood. He doesn't like bullies. Strickland is a tough nut, dude. Oh, yeah. In my mind, this is like, I would get Hans on it. Yeah, you're firing me up. Dude, this is a great fight, dude. Have you heard his trans rants? This is one. Strictly is the best at fucking just talking wild shit at press conferences. Yeah. He's a wild fellow. He is. He was on the podcast, too.

2:27:00He's fun, man. He's fun. Yeah. He gets so angry and worked up about shit, but he's fucking fun, man. You know what's fun? Like, now back? Fun whites. Fun whites are coming back. Oh, he's one of the funnest whites ever. I blame Chet Hanks. He broke it open. Chet Hanks. Yeah, white boy summer. Cracked open the whites. He's got a new accent? He broke the hymen. What's his new one? I don't know. He dropped his old one. He was like, I'm done with that fakeness. I got a new fakeness. Can you imagine if it was Tom Hanks as your dad? That's wild. You got to live in that shadow. Colin and Chet, they couldn't be more opposite.

2:27:31Who's Colin? Colin's his other son. You see, he's in a ton of movies. Colin's less of a phony. Well, he's more straight-laced. Yeah. What, Shia LaBeouf? He's getting drunk, going to jail, coming back out. Is Shia LaBeouf's dad a phony? No, I'm just saying, like, wild lights. Colin looks just like Tom. That's crazy. He's in a ton of movies. God, he looks just like Tom. That's crazy. He could be Forrest Gump, too. Good actor. He looks more Forrest Gumpy than Forrest Gump. He looks more Philadelphia. What is this? Chet is singing? Oh, he's singing now? Yeah, he's doing country music. Oh, boy. Oh, God.

2:28:02He can't stop. I thought he was a rapper. He was, but country's big now. He's just swinging at every fucking bitch. He just goes wherever it's popular. Renesad. He doesn't suck. That guy sucks. He's kind of jacked. Yo. That guy sucks. What? He's great. Chet Higgs, you make an accent's rules. Ari, could you imagine what it's like having Tom Hanks as a dad and trying to find your own identity? I'm sure it's tough if your father was a molester, but it doesn't matter. She's a molestation. Come on. You're talking about fucking Forrest Gump. J-Mo's getting the time stamp. How dare you. Talking about Woody here.

2:28:34Tom Hanks blows. J-Mo just goes. He was good in Atlanta, and that's about it. Atlanta? Atlanta. Philadelphia? Did an episode of Atlanta. It was good. Oh. Oh. Which one? Oh, Chet. Chet. Chet rules. He was also great in Curb. Yes. Played the soldier. That's right. I didn't see that one. You want to talk great athletes. What about the amputee cornhole guy? What? What? Where'd that come from? You haven't seen this guy? What kind of a fucking transition was that? I never was going with it. Talk about athletes. The guy got in trouble for shooting someone. He's got no arms, no legs. He's a shot on the window.

2:29:14With his legs? And he shot a guy. Did he really shoot somebody? With a nub. Wait, 100 % he shot him? Pull it up. What's cornhole? I thought he was playing cornhole. So what does he have to do? Does he have to attach like a stick to the nub so he can pull the trigger? He's got a little tiny thumb right on the stump. And he can trigger? And he pulled a trigger and killed a guy. Whoa. Yeah. Why did he kill the guy? I think he fucked his stump. I don't know. What happened? Actually, I remember reading this story. He's a son of a bitch. He was driving the car, too. There was three other guys in the car, and he's the one driving it.

2:29:40Driving a car! What an alpha. The stump drove the car? Yeah. Wow. This guy's a badass. Was it down a straight road? And he was a professional cornhole player? He was number one cornhole. No way. What, was he the bag? Here's a video of him shooting a gun. There's a video of him climbing a ladder. Climbing a ladder. Yeah, I'll show you that after this. He's getting passed around in prison like a cornhole bag. Juan on suspicion of shooting and killing a pastor in his car during an argument. Look at this badass. Oh, he can shoot guns. I mean, you can shoot well. You gotta hand it to him. Well, maybe if you have...

2:30:08You gotta have to stand on there, Monk. Less limbs less movement less limbs. It's not this end. It's just this more stable. I went out on a limb Oh, you son of a bitch. There's this cornhole strategy. He's unbelievable. He's really good. Look at this. He's just sinking them Bags And now he's in jail poor guy. He could have been a hero of our generation. Um, so did he Kill the guy for a reason? I'm sure Lost his limbs bacterial infection at 10 years old demonstrating shooting. So what is the story? Accused of shooting a guy during a driving argument. He wanted the two guys in the car to help him get rid of the body They refused and then he dropped them out of the car went and dropped the body somewhere Someone found the body and then they came after him.

2:30:56That'd be tough to dig a hole. Bro the way Ari leaves I don't think he died. It's astonishing Ari leaves like a ghost in the night. Well, he's old. They gotta piss every 10 minutes He's more than him. He drinks prune juice. Goes right through you.

2:31:13So as an argument, he just shot the guy? You'd think it would take so long for him to pull out the gun, you would just smack it out of his stub. You'd think. But I think when that guy comes up to you, you're like, what are you going to do? You're not scared. So the guy's got all the time in the world. I'd be so scared if I saw that guy. You can climb a hunting blind with a rifle on his back. Look at this psycho. God, he's like a slug. He's very capable. He looks like Toe Jam. He looks like Toe Jam. Toe Jam and Earl. Toe Jam and Earl. What a pull. Wow. I mean, you got to hand it to the guy for just being independent.

2:31:43Yeah. I mean, we're being mean to him. I want to make sure he's a murderer before I make fun for being disabled. Maybe the guy in the backseat was a real... Disabled. He's definitely a murderer. He's in jail. He's in jail right now? You better believe it. Huh. Found a nearby yard. That's who you want as your bunkmate. He's not raped. Pronounced dead at the scene. He was tracked to Virginia Hospital and arrested. Set to be... He was in a hospital. Why was he in a hospital? Well. Did they get in a fight? So rarely in the news. So the guy punched him and he had to go to the hospital? So he was tracked to a hospital.

2:32:15So the guy who he shot was the guy punching him? Sounds about right. You know what I'm saying? If you're punching a guy with no arms and no legs, he's got to do something to fight back. Shoot you. But that's what's weird. It's like it says. You look so happy. But if it says he went to a hospital, why did he have to go to a hospital? Mad rifle That's what they say Riding high in April Yeah, it says the officer's tracked in the hospital That's all it says. Yeah, but why was he in the hospital? So did they get in a fist fight and he pulled the gun on the guy who was beating his ass? They probably found him and they were like holy shit Let's get him to the hospital He's probably fine.

2:32:51They were like holy shit take him to an ER But it's a weird situation He lost his legs. If he was at a hospital, like why was he at a hospital? Yeah We don't know the whole story. I don't know Anyway, he can... This is the part I read. He plays a mean cornhole. I asked them to pull the car out of the... Pull the body out of the car. They said no. They got out of the car instead, and he drove off with the body still in the car. Oh, boy. How's he going to get him out of the car? He's got no arms. Hey, is that Bieber in the middle? It's Bieber. Oh, I thought it was the same crime. I was like, wait.

2:33:20Celebrity. What did Bieber get arrested for? By the way, go back up. Look how dashing Bieber is in his mugshot. Did Bieber get arrested for looking cute? Perfectly straight teeth. Who knows? Lohan's not bad either. Lohan's not bad there. Lohan rules, dude. Lohan's hot again. I co-starred in a movie with Lohan. She's back. Oh, good. Lohan and Fruit. You co-starred in a movie with Lohan? Yeah, worst movie of all time. Who was that? Inappropriate comedy. Start directed by the Shamwell guy. Lohan was in that? You're in that? Lohan. We had an Academy Award winner, Adrian Brody. What? What? Adrian Brody was in that?

2:33:51Crazy, the pianist. Who's the chick who got drunk driving who was in Avatar? Boom, that one at the end. Rodriguez. What? I didn't know she got a DUI. Rob Schneider's in that? Oh, but everybody. Who's the middle lady with the jokes? Is that really the worst movie ever? It was on Rotten Tomatoes. It was the worst movie of all time. And for a while, it had zero stars. How did Adrian Brody get roped into that? Yeah, what happened to him? He got roped into that. He was on a downturn of his career. He came back. He was on a downswing. You know what's crazy about Brody? He's banging Harvey's wife. Wait, am I in there?

2:34:22Oh, you know who else is in there? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Theo Vaughn. Mountain Climber. Oh, all right. Wow. Ari Shafir, there we go. The amazing racist. With some writing by Christina Pozitzki. Did some writing on this. Dante as the racist assistant. Rob Schneider as JD. That's when I was offering black people a free trip back to Africa.

2:34:47You really did it, man. You really went for it back then. So when you got the script, did you realize it was going to be that bad? There was no script. Vince came to me and was like, hey, those amazing racist students, can we make more of those? I'm like, I don't own them. And he goes, can we make new ones? And I was like, yeah, if you want to. Hey, it earned$172K.

2:35:08$625 it's opening. There were all these pictures of one person in the theater. I like how it says inappropriate, but for some reason, APP was about apps. Dude, it was all about apps. It was a whole back story line. None of it made any sense. Like dating apps? Yeah. But wait, what year was this? Oh, okay. It's a good question. 2013. I remember. Was there even apps in 2013? It was the beginning of apps. It was a big deal. Added to the 625. Dude, this movie was so fun. I've never heard of this in my life. We went to the border, and I was doing a setup scene, and some people were fucking running and crossing.

2:35:44But it's so crazy. Adrian Broder is a fucking legit actor. He was down, and then back up. They gave him money. Why did he go down? Did he do a movie with you? Well, he was in a separate scene. He was in Flirty Harry. Flirty Harry. Flirty Harry. What the fuck is going on? Damn wow. He went to jail too. Look at Theo. Oh my God. Look at Ari. Wow. Young Theo. Bro, we should have a screening of this on the next Protect Our Parks. I would love to see this. Let's watch it and talk. Bro, this looks so bad. This is horrible. This is horrible. It's so bad. Who's the girl? The girl with the brunette right there.

2:36:25Rodriguez. Oh, the girl from Aliens? Isn't she in Aliens, too? I don't know. Maybe. See if she's in Aliens. She's Vin Diesel's lady. That's crazy. They got her in this? Kids in cages. Getting arrested. How does this ShamWow guy talk everybody into this? Money, bro. GS gave me advice. He was like, hey, they want me to do this thing. He goes, Ari, every once in a while, so people in Hollywood. Oh, there he is. Shane, you can't laugh at this. Young Ari. Shane, send this one out. We'll take it from here. I will say so like you guys were making dog shit like this yeah, and then I was like cuz I wasn't really around for that Yeah, and then it's like man.

2:37:06I can't believe cancel culture exists. It's like oh now I get it Yeah Put an end to this horse shit

2:37:232013 yeah Those Amazing Racist videos were probably like 2005, 6, 7. Yeah, 5 I think. I think those videos were before the whole Mencia thing at the store. That's right, because he was like, who are you to say anything about racial jokes? Somebody's like, Amazing Racist? Yeah. He was like, sorry, good point. Before that, yeah. Wow. That's crazy they got Adrian Brody, because he's probably paid money to try to get that released, like deleted. I've never heard of it. No one even knows about it. They do now. They do now. That's right. You have a pretty decent platform. Millions of people are currently listening.

2:37:59Yeah, you guys are actually going to make a fucking ton of money on that movie. Sham-off guy. Is he alive? Oh, yeah. He did kill Tony. Recently? I don't know, a year ago. He got caught biting that hook. No, the hooker was biting his tongue, and he had to get off my fucking tongue. And he was like, he did something. He assaulted a hooker and got arrested. That's not so bad. What was he doing with his tongue? She bit it. Why would you have your tongue involved in a hooker at all? What's happening? Yeah, you don't kiss a hooker. Well you do if you're drunk passionately. Yeah, let's go pay for just kisses Wish you were my girl.

2:38:30We know a guy the comedy store who would pay extra I'm not gonna say who but but who would pay extra to fuck to go down on hookers Without a really yes You don't know him. Wow. He would pay extra for that? He paid extra for that. He's the fucking man. He's the funniest. He would be open about it. He's like, nah, they won't let you go down. The ShamWow guy is running for Congress? I'll vote for it. Make America grow some balls again. Like here, it's like Cedar Park. What? What is his first nine bills in Congress? He's posing with a headset? No tax on Social Security. That's reasonable. Great. Parental class view.

2:39:11Don't know what that is. What does that mean? Ring cameras to protect our homes. we do not own classes. Woke buster. Oh, ring cameras in classes. That's not a bad idea. N triple X on X. Pornography on... Oh, boo. Sounds like this guy wants to jerk off the kids. And he's pretending to be a congressman to go, we should set up cameras in schools. Healthy screen act. I like number five. Cowboy code for kids. Has to be a human at customer service. That's not bad. That's not bad. Agent! Agent! Yeah, that'll ruin India. Oh, interesting. Children need to pray. Oh, come on. A lot of kids stuff coming out of this guy.

2:39:48Does he have children? Cowboy coats for kids. Find out if he actually has children. Doubt it. Doubt it. Oh, we got a Jew here. Shlomi. I gotta tell you, he sent me a ShamWow jacket. Did you wear it everywhere? Made entirely out of ShamWows. Did you wear it everywhere? He is a charming fellow. He must be great when it rains out and that thing weighs 80 pounds. Wear that for the roast. I go, great, now I weigh 375 pounds. Find out if that guy has a family. His story is actually pretty interesting. It's kind of odd that he's concentrating so much. He would just sell shit in Atlantic City, like on the streets.

2:40:22I think it was a bad head. And he was just great at it. And he goes, I'll take out like Byron Allen, like late night spots and just sell to more people. He must have made so much money. He made a ton of money. He made a fortune. ShamWow was nice. I'll tell you, I got a good ShamWow story. One time I was staying at my buddy's house and I stood up in the middle of the night. I was, he gave me his bed. So I was in that, but his roommate was in the other bed. It was in college. and I just stood up and pissed on the other guy's bed while he was in it. Oh, damn. And then in the morning, I got a Shamwell.

2:40:52He soaked it all up? And just pressed it against this guy. Is that what it does? It soaks? Yeah. It soaks really well. Well, it's a chamois cloth. A chamois cloth is a thing they use to wash cars with forever. He said he went to seven companies in Korea. He goes, send me each one. He goes, this one's the best one. All right, put my name on that and run them out. So is it like a synthetic version of a chamois cloth? Because the chamois cloth is like an animal skin cloth that you use to clean cars with. Oh, I do. Yeah, chamois cloth is like you wash the car and then the car has all this water on it.

2:41:20You use the chamois cloth first and then you polish it with microfiber cloths. Yeah, it's what it is. Actually, yeah, it's very absorbent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the chamois thing. Yeah. It's a good product. You bring them up. It reminds me of, yeah. Yeah, chamois cloths. I used to do that. Yeah, I used to do that. I used to work at a car wash. Buy some chamois for the studio. I used to work at an auto auction. Yeah, you go. In a dealership and a garage. Oh, there you go. Which is why tires is a good show. It's out of knowledge, for sure. You're right where you know. Bro, you need a muscle car.

2:41:47You need a muscle car, Shane. Hey Shane, you know what this massive purchaser's made? Doing it wrong. No, no, no, he's not doing it wrong. I'm happy with that one. That's the one's great, but how about also, how about also you get like a modern muscle car that works really well. Do you know about Revology Mustangs? Pull it up. Have you ever seen my 68 Mustang? Yes. My bullet Mustang? Yeah, it rocks. Rocks right there's a company this company Revology. They're the shit. They make a brand new 1969 well, that's what I wanted was yeah You know what I want that this is So this is no is the guy Tom Scarpello.

2:42:26He worked at Ford. He made the Ford Can you imagine me getting out of that and fucking gym shorts me? I do it all the time you look cool I would look you look cool. You look fucking American You do look American. You look American. So that's what I have. I have that car on the left. Are you down with the sickness? I have... What? You have that one, the blue? I have the... Well, mine is actually green. Damn. That is beautiful. Like Steve McQueen's. I have a green one, a 68. But the point is, he makes the new one, which is even cooler than the 69. Go to models, Jamie, please. 67 is the one. Go to models.

2:43:03And this is... Or 66 and a half. No, no, no, no, no, no. The new 69 is the shit. That one, the Boss, the Boss 429. Click on that. So it's just an old body with a new car. But it's not an old body. It's a brand new exact version. Yes, it's a full factory. It's a full factory, but it's completely reliable. I can't drive that. Yes, you can. I will force you at gunpoint to drive that. You need one of those. You need a black one. No, I need a 97 Land Cruiser. Ooh, that's a cool car. Oh, you do? Yeah. That's what I was like. I have a 95 with a supercharged car. Corvette engine. And I need a new car.

2:43:39And I couldn't wait long enough to get one of those. What you got is perfect. What you got is perfect. You need a nice Buick Regal. Do you want to tell people what you got? You need a LeBaron. No, don't tell me what you got. But what you got, see, that's what I should be driving. Yeah, that's a real car. I love those. Jamie, pull up mine. I have a 1995 that TLC made me, and I had to put a supercharged Corvette engine in it. And then I had Colvin Automotive change the supercharger, jack it up to 800 horsepower. It's got dual exhaust now. It's a total apocalypse car. It's got a gun safe in it. It's got everything who's the nerd That's my friend Jonathan Ward who fucking built the car for me Jamie 2017 Toyota Corolla that guy needs a wedgie you need you need a 69 boss.

2:44:22That's what you need Oh, you got the winch. Yeah, oh, it's got everything When I was worried that well I had a family and I was worried that at one point in time L.A. was going to experience an apocalypse, and I had to be able to drive somewhere where there's no roads. So I got an extra large gas tank on that thing. Nice. I have steel bumpers all around, rock sliders on the side. I wanted to make it so I could just go. Run over protesters. I can't wait to get away. I can't wait to die at the gates in front of your house when the apocalypse happens. You're not going to die. I can't wait for someone to throw in the 50-gallenge.

2:44:54I'm going to let you in. Come on, dog. Please, please, Joe. Come on. How dare you? Save me. You park there like, do not get out of your car. By then, we'll be at the ranch. We'll have the ranch fully operational by now. But between now and then, you need a fucking Mustang. You need a boss, brother. Is Mustang the only one they make? Can we get like an old Porsche? Can I get an old... Well, there's plenty of companies that do that. I'm too big for an old Porsche. You're too big for a Porsche. A Land Cruiser would be sick. There's another company called RSR Recreations. They make a 911. You can get it with no fucking AC, no nothing.

2:45:29and it only weighs 2 ,000 pounds.

2:45:34Dancing Jews. I knew about it on 910. Dancing Israelis. Don't Google it. Don't Google dancing Israelis, whatever you do. Don't read into that story. You'll go, hey, what? Wait a second. APEC, what? APEC. How much money? All right, there's my fucking platform. Okay, what about... Let's get rid of APEC. Let's get rid of all those fucking lobbies. Yeah, let's get rid of APEC. Well, money and boxes. All lobbies. Yeah, all lobbies. Not just APEC. Not just the ones that are convenient. You need a muscle car. If you don't want to get that, how about a new muscle car? How about a Shelby Super Snake R?

2:46:10Brother, I'm never driving that, bro. I bet you should. You need one car. What? You need one car to drive a car. I have a pretty small house in a tiny garage. What are you, a communist? You need to get a new house. First of all, you're a fucking baller now. So you need a new house. Look at that. That's a Shelby Super Snake R. Oh, he can't drive that. Do you know what that would look like? Me getting out or bringing a girl in there and going, look, I'm not going to get hard. 850 fucking horsepower. That's what it looks like. That's going to be great to pull into a parking lot. Shut up, Ari. You've got to take that on the open road.

2:46:44I was telling Ari back when Ari first started making money. I go, Ari, please get a nice car. Please just get a nice car. How about a Cadillac Blackwing? 2022 Tour de Corolla. How about one of these? How about a CT5V Blackwing? How about that? Can't have a caddy? Come on. I agree. If I saw someone trying to have you. Bro, those things fucking rule. That's my dad's car. No, no, no. That is not your dad's car. That's a black guy. That thing has almost 700 horsepower. Very reliable. Very reliable. You can solder the fucking hood shut for five years. Why would you do that, Ari? You have money, too, Ari.

2:47:17You drive me crazy. I was trying to get him to buy a BMW M3 in, like, 2008. Ooh, that'd be nice. I love a BMW. Why didn't you do it? Because I had to put all my money to this goddamn storytelling show. But you're going to pay it back. I put my money into that. Yeah, but you made it back already. You told me you made it back. You spent more money. Yeah, I had to make the budget back. The end available right now at Orange Jaffer. I've tried for years, maybe decades, to try to talk you into buying a nice car. Yeah. He can't. Look at that hat. It's New York. You can't have a nice car. Yeah, you can't have a nice car.

2:47:43I got an old bingard. You got enough money to have a house other places. You should get a house out here. Get a house out here with a garage and keep some nice cars in it so you can fucking roll Do you have enough money for that? No, I do not. You spent all your money in Mazelan. I'll give you the fucking money. Tell me what car you want to buy. Well, hold on a second. Are you buying houses? Buying a car, not a house. I'm still waiting to get a watch. I held out. He said watch. I'll hold out for car. He gave you a watch. You didn't wear it. You wear that piece of shit. It's a Rolex. I can't do it.

2:48:10I would buy you a watch if you'd wear it. If I buy you a watch, would you wear it? Sure. How many times? Every day. I'm thinking of the same. I shower with this. Right, but if I bought you a real watch, would you wear it every day? I mean, not like a Rolex. One of those astronaut fuckers. You're not going to wear a Rolex. Okay. That ain't your style. Yeah, but I don't want to. Next, protect our parks. I'm going to get you a Speedmaster. Hold on. Omega Speedmaster. Can I tell you what he wants? ShamWow is a Speedmaster. He wants that size watch, not a bulky one. He wants a thinner watch. I like a small watch.

2:48:37This is not too big. This is a Rolex. That's crazy. But it's on a rubber strap. It's a little understated. G-Shock. G-Shock rules. Sick. Would you wear that? Indiglo? Would you wear that? I like a metal band, but yeah, it's a good looking watch. Right. $100 ,000. What did Louie get you? He got me the oyster face, or what do you call it? Oh, okay. It's really nice, and it's inscribed in the back. Thanks for working with me, LCK. Yeah, but you don't even wear it. It's on my shelf. It's propped up. Okay. So if I buy you an Omega, you're going to wear it? Hell yeah. Okay. You don't have to buy me an Omega.

2:49:11Shut the fuck up. It's over. Norman, Norman, you're going to love this. EGIT gave me the coolest thing that I have, which was Norm MacDonald's cup on the late night. Whoa. The mug? The actual mug from the label. He gave me this. From what? Pull that up. From Norm doing Letterman. The talk show? Oh, Letterman. That's tight. Yeah, that he brought home. That's tight. Wow, that's a great one. That's the best gift I got. That's great. I would protect that. I'd be scared that someone would break that. Imagine if a chick comes over your house and drops that. I would have a cup of tea. I would punch it.

2:49:45Whoopsies. Oh, I protect it. It's on my mantle. It's in the middle. It's above my face. Wow, that's great. I'd put ring ropes around it to cushion it. Yeah, I probably should. Mickey Mantle. Yeah. Mickey Mantle. That's a good one. That's the best one. Those Rodney notes are great. Oh, my God. Isn't they amazing in the green room? Yeah, that's pretty cool. The handwritten Rodney notes from his Tonight Show special. It's pretty cool. Whitney got us those. Rodney's wife donated it. She found out about the club. She knew we were doing it, and she donated it to us. Wow. Very cool. It's a cool thing to see in there.

2:50:14It's amazing. And you get to read them, and you see how they would make the punchlines bold and all the notes, then bold punchline. Oh, yeah, it's cool. Just it's like the feeling the spirit of like joke writing is in that room. He was it. He was a drug addict No, I was the coolest thing about Rodney was that when we enjoyed drugs I don't know if he was a drug addict when we were illegal and cops would come into a club He was in he was just smoking weed. He was just going to be like hello officer. How you doing? Just holding. Yeah He knew he was immune. No one's gonna touch him I told you guys when I worked as a security guard when I got to see Rodney perform when I worked as a security guard Whoa!

2:50:52I know you beat up a guy with a walkie talkie. No, I didn't beat him up. No, that was Alley Cat. That was my boss. He beat up a guy. That was Alley Cat. First day cat. Wow. That was the first thing I've heard you say. I was like, damn, Joe's old. He had a boy. He was like, no, that was my boy, Alley Cat. That was the boss. Alley Cat was the boss. So what happened was one of the guys from my Taekwondo gym got hired to be security. And they were like, bro, it's like 50 bucks an hour. It's really cool. You get to see concerts. So we all went and I got to see Rodney there. Rodney was backstage with nothing on but a bathrobe.

2:51:26Open? He was completely naked. No, I didn't see that. I saw him walking around with slippers and a bathrobe. And then he went on stage with nothing but a bathrobe. Damn. Bathrobe naked underneath it. Went on stage that way? That's amazing. In 1986. Wow. And fucking destroyed. I was 19. Wow. I was mesmerized. And back then, I wasn't even thinking about doing comedy. I was just fighting. And I was enjoying it. And I was like, this guy's so free. I remember thinking that. Like, this guy's on stage with a... I mean, destroying. I get no respect. No respect at all. And the fucking place is going nuts.

2:52:03He was killing punchline after punchline after punchline. I was 19. I mean, I was blown away. And you were working. I was working. Yeah. I was a security guard. That's a good gig. I had to see the shows. That was also the job that I quit when, you know, the whole thing would happen with COVID where Neil Young pulled his music off Spotify because I was giving out vaccine misinformation. Wait, is that until he couldn't get it played elsewhere? Yeah. It was not really. He didn't even own his music. It's all bullshit. But anyway, I didn't shit on him at the time, even though he's trying to ruin my life, because I was a Neil Young fan, and I told the story about how when I was a security guard, the last day on the job was a Neil Young concert because a riot broke out.

2:52:40And a riot broke out, and I was like, I'm not fighting for 50 bucks an hour. I fucking zipped up my hoodie, and I just walked out, and I never even got my last check. Damn. It was cold out and Great Woods in Mansfield has a whole lawn. It's an amphitheater. So the front part that's all seated has a cover over it and then the back part's a lawn. And it was a little cold out so these fucking animals at the Neil Young concert started lighting bonfires. And so the security guys had to come over and tell them, hey, put out the fires and drunk guys were like, fuck you. And my friend Larry punched some guy and Larry was like the nicest guy in the world.

2:53:12I'm like, oh my God, we're having a war. And so the fight started breaking up and as soon as like my friends were safe and we were I'm like Let's get the fuck out of here. I put on my hoodie and I just quit I'm like I'm not fighting these fucking people and that was my last day on the job as a security guard Bonfires and fist fighting at a fucking Neil Young

2:53:36Ten taekwondo black belts including like national level competitors that were all security guards So we're just waiting to kick somebody into a coma. Just Roundhouse and Neil Young fans. Never. I mean. Oh, you got him. Who's Joe DeRosa? Finally. Okay, let's hear this. Hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, go. Hold on. No audio. Where's the volume? I don't know. There's no sound. I remember. That was just COVID time, huh? Yep. I remember you'd wear that. Oh, my gosh. The song's on there. Is this R? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, I'll add the song. What's with the glasses? I was doing something. It's giggles.

2:54:13Oh my god. This is brutal. I forgot that was my best part. I said I'll add the music Oh, this is like a hostage video Please turn this off This is horrific

2:54:30I love the DeRosa so much Oh man, he took it so serious That's not as fun as Roddy naked God damn Shane, you killed me. I did not enjoy that at all. That was bad. I'll turn it. Did you see the Scientology speedruns that were going around last week or two? These kids are breaking into Scientology places all over the country. They're breaking into them? Why? They're doing what they call speedruns. Speedruns? No, let me see this. They're trying to get as deep as they can possibly get. Into a Scientology building? The Scientology building removed all the doors. My secret. Speedruns. Wow. That guy, the White House Correspondents.

2:55:12Yeah. So cold. Oh, you want to play games? No, I don't. Wow. Damn. Speed runs is such a great way to go through something. Just run as fast as just Blitzkrieg. So this is a trend? They'll kill you, those guys. They don't want to know that they've taken the handles off the doors on the outside. I went. Oh. I went. Me and Natasha went to Scientology once. Really? Yeah. They kind of got me a little. They were like can we get some information for you? I'm like, I'm getting my home address if you want and she was like What the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I don't know they're getting me the book they saw was it's good for ages 8 to 8 Wow, so this kid just ran through Maybe noise maybe whites are coming back Causing as much chaos as they can like 10 seconds.

2:55:58They're not really doing anything other than just good All these other people behind them. Are they Scientologists? Are these just all the kids? These would all be the kids run also. There's more than one kid. It's multiple kids 30 of them. Good for them. Because some will get through. Oh, look how deep they're going. Yeah, they're just trying to, like, what's inside? What are you guys hiding? I love these guys. No one really has ever seen inside those buildings. They're having fun. Oh, how weird. They just run out the exit. Well, they're, like, the second biggest real estate holders in Los Angeles, I think.

2:56:23Yeah, they're crazy. Oh, my God. Look at this guy trying. I think it's, like, China and then Scientology raid with Jesus. They're trying to open the door. Whoa, I love it. Oh, this is so crazy. Dude, it's over. They got you. They deserve this. Those guys are cunts. This is so crazy. I mean, look at the inside, though, too. I've never seen it. Scientology has a voting block in Los Angeles. Wow, it's pretty cool inside. It's like a museum. Look at that. Wow, I want to go in there. Wow. Yeah, because you take a photo outside their building, they'll tap on you. Well, I remember during the 90s, a lot of people were thinking about joining Scientology because it was really good for your career back then.

2:56:54Right. They had an acting class. Yeah. Something east. They had Wilson. Playhouse West. Tom Cruise. Brian Callen was in an acting class with a Scientology guy. and I remember he was like telling me that like a lot of these Scientologists they like get really far in acting because like you get connected right deepest recorded Scientology run I'm good for a deepest good for them look at this guy moving look at this guy with the fucking suits trying to stop him they put a hand out as if that's going to do it very unenthusiastic hey did you guys see the fat principal who stopped a school shooting that was amazing What?

2:57:32He got shot in the leg. I think it was in Virginia. He got shot. The guy came into the building with a gun, and this fucking principal just rushes him, grabs him, tackles him, holds on to the gun. He got shot in the leg, apparently. Badass. What a hero. And then he went into a party. Who? The prom. Yeah, it was the prom, like, a week later, and everybody went crazy and cheered. He became prom king. Very emotional. Very emotional. Stopped shooting. It should have been 20 deaths. Yeah, I mean, he stopped it in its tracks as the guy came in through the front door. You do have one moment where like you see it you realize and you like let's go Injured in school shooting shooter identified as former student former student.

2:58:09That's where it is Wayne Coyne. Yeah Wow, look at the guy that's the guy But if you watch the video the guy fucking literally threw himself on the guy with the gun Completely heroic show me his face again. Dude. That's guy who loves brewskis. Oh, yeah Barbecue, sandwiches, barbecue, brewskis. I'm going to tackle this fucking weirdo. He's probably not worried about his death. Hey, Mark, I can't even drink that yet. You know what I'm saying? He's ready to go to Valhalla, dude. He's a Viking. That's an American Viking, dude. You get fat and shit, you drink beers, you go, fuck it, I've been waiting for somebody to kill me.

2:58:42See you in Valhalla, brother. He's a hero, goddammit. Didn't Cash Patel say that about somebody? Yeah, about Charlie Kirk. It was the corniest fucking shit ever. That's a rough one. Your watch is over. We'll see you in Valhalla, brother. Shut up. I was watching a video on what a 30-odd-six round actually would do to a neck. Oh, no. Here we go. Yeah. They showed what the actual rifle round would do to a person's neck versus what you saw from Charlie Kirk. There's a lot of people that don't think it was really that guy on the roof that shot him that was something else. Some people think it was a microphone.

2:59:17What? Yeah, the microphone shot him in the neck. like there was some sort of an implemented destruction device. The problem I have with that is you don't see any fire coming off of the microphone. Right. Like if a microphone is going to kill you, it's going to shoot you somehow or another, it's got to be an explosive charge, and then you'll see a flash, and then something will projectile from that into your neck. They say a microphone shot him in the neck. Yeah, somebody shot him, right? If a rifle shoots your neck, wouldn't it go through? Is it far away? You would imagine it would. And in these videos that I saw, it like shows a massive destruction.

2:59:48So what they're using is ballistic gel. And so they have like a fake neck and a fake head and like a spine. They show ballistic gel, what it looks like. And it just blows the neck completely apart. It's just splatter, a giant opening wound. Because this tissue is very soft. I mean, this is not durable tissue. And he got shot and it was not even an exit hole. Did they catch the guy? Supposedly. You don't know that? You don't know the most? They got the guy. Well, you know. I'm about to repeat you. I was in Guatemala. You're so out of the loop. I remember at a bar in Guatemala. I was like, who's Charlie Kirk?

3:00:18I'm like, I think he makes fun of college kids. You're right about that. That's not wrong. And then I was like, why? They're like, I think he got killed. And I was like, oh. Bro, there's many, many, many, many, many layers to that story. Past the weed. And his wife. His wife is very happy. Outdoor bar. Like, yeah, anyway, bro. Past the weed. Past that over. Past the weed. There's many levels to that story. I don't mean to come down on you, but that sucks. Past the weed. Oh, man, I don't even know that guy. Past the weed. Dude, I was looking for weed, and inside of me he's smoking. I'm like, I'm looking for that weed.

3:00:50In Guatemala? Yeah, at a bar. What is the legality of weed in Guatemala? Same as, like, five years ago here. Like, do it quietly. Oh, you can get arrested, though. You can, but. And you wind up in a Guatemalan jail. Imagine if we had to bail you out, like, fucking the A-team. You wouldn't even know. We would never bail you out. I would. I'd go there. Let him sit there for a little. Nah, I'd hire people. You would fly to Guatemala? 100%. 100%. Yeah, if Ari was in jail in Guatemala, 100 % we'd get him out. Nah, that'd be fun, though, to let him sit for a few days. He needs to learn his lessons. Of course I'm going to get weed.

3:01:23I'm the guy who gets weed. The lesson is keep getting weed, man. We'd have to go get him. I'd make you guys come with me. We'd have to film him. Yeah, protect our parks from a fucking national park in Guatemala. Whoever filmed that whole run that you did, we'll have that guy. He'll put some witty quotes. Get Ari in there. Look at this. State of emergency. Gang prisons Prison riots in the gangs He'd be in that gang getting fucked Good to get you back in the camps I can't have you in there Ari Getting fucked by these Guatemalan dudes Dude those guys who gave me weed and told me about Charlie Kirk They were like what do you think about Trump I'm like I don't really know And then I figured out how to turn it away from that conversation I go how's your guy And they go our guy sucks He's so crooked Maduro No it was somebody in Guatemala Oh sorry wrong country You just turn it on their guy they love talking about it Yeah it's not Maduro it's far away Yeah, he's like, he's crooked.

3:02:16He takes money from corporations. I'm like, can't we do that? Boo. Better than El Salvador. That place is even crazier. No, what they did - El Salvador rules. They stopped all the crimes. Didn't they have a ton of gangs? Yeah, they got rid of them. They threw them all in giant prisons and stopped all the crime. They drove them out, killed the rest. Can we do that? Drove them all out. Their crime dropped off a fucking cliff. Maybe that's why it's a big story here, Mark. I guess so. No, that guy is a hero to everyone there. We should do that. They all love him. Look at this. Agreed. Everyone who was there loves him.

3:02:46Everyone who came in later was like, oh, so-so. That's El Salvador's prison. We should do that to our civilians. Look at the guy in the back. He's kind of fat. That was a couple of chunks in there. I bet there's a few guys in there that don't belong. Yeah, I'd say so. No, there's a story here that anyone with a tattoo would get arrested. And they're like, no, no. It's anyone with a tattoo of a cop you've killed with his badge number. You get arrested. They captured all the Nate Diaz's. All the Nate Diaz's. Yeah, they do look like Nate. Just Nate. They're all gonna stand up and go, what's up? What's up, bro?

3:03:14You got their country back. Damn, the tattoo guys are cleaning up out there. Wait, wait, let's see if we can see his badge tattoos. When you tattoo your face up like that, you are not fucking around. So a lot of the face tattoos are loved ones they've raped. No. Did you just make that up? No, I didn't just make it up. What? You get extra points for raping a mom, a sister, an aunt. Your own mom? Yeah, buddy. Wow. It wasn't a great situation. Where are you coming up with this? talking to El Salvadorans. Oh, my God. In El Salvador. I think your Spanish was a little broken. They had a soccer game.

3:03:46It's non-existent. Can you speak Spanish at all? Oh, yeah. They had a soccer game. Say something. Order pizza. Yo quiero una pizza por favor. Oh, come on. That was Yo Quiero Taco Bell with pizza. They had a soccer game they played in the port town where they cut babies out of a woman and play soccer with it. Oh, my God. Hey, it makes soccer interesting. Their gangs are trained by U.S., but pretty strong. So he got rid of them. What they did was nuts, though. They just made these giant super prisons and just put everybody in there, and the crime dropped off a cliff. Damn. I went to Independence Day parade there.

3:04:26It was wild how much everyone was like, what are you doing here? This is wild. Our guy is the best. It's the only country where they're like, we love our guy. Everyone else, we hate our guy. They love our guy. They wouldn't even let him in to Nicaragua. They wouldn't let Ari into Nicaragua. Fake news. Fake news. They love that guy. They love that guy. It was the first time they could go out in public and do anything. What's his name? What's the name of the El Sal? He's half Arab. They don't care. What kind of Arab? I don't know. The good kind. Is there? Not Palestinian. No, no, no. I just mean...

3:05:02Wow. Is it Jewish? I bet. Not supported. The claim that specific face tattoos in El Salvador mark someone who was raped a family member is not supported by credible evidence. By the way, what credible evidence do you get? Talk to so many people there, so disagree with this. It's hard to know because how many people are documenting this stuff in like peer-reviewed papers? You know what I mean? Like, what is Perpexley drawing from? Yeah. People on the streets are like, this is what happens. Yeah. Well, I'm sure a lot of it did happen. Yeah. I'm sure a lot of it happened. You know, there was a guy that used to be the fucking doorman at the improv, and he showed me this cartel video of this guy getting eaten by a pit bull.

3:05:42And it still haunts my dreams. Yeah. The guy was, he was tied up, arms and legs, and the pit bull was eating his dick. Oh. The pit bull was just completely locked on this guy's crotch, and this guy was screaming. Michael Dick and he goes hey man check this out this my friend sent me this from the cartel and I'm like Why are you showing me this? I have to go do on stage 20 minutes. Oh I was trying to do the sound I couldn't do it I was thinking about doing it

3:06:18Just that this giant headed pit bull was locked on this guy's dick and he was screaming and I've never forgot it Well, yeah, the internet hit us at different ages like that because I got hit with those when I was young. You're right. And I was like, that's enough. Yeah. They're not fun. But if I was an adult and somebody showed me something horrific like that, that does stick with you. Oh, yeah. Me and Segura, we have a text chain. Me and Segura, it's the worst shit that either one of us find on the internet. They don't really toss those around anymore. The cartel ones? The cartel videos. Yeah, this was someone who was a cop sent it to this guy, and then this guy showed me.

3:06:51God, the shit cops must see. Oh, right. Tough. They need the Ibogaine. They got high suicide. Oh, very high. Very high. All first responders, they all have much higher suicide rates in general population. That's not normal to see that much damage. Imagine you're a guy who just shows up at car accidents every day. Every day. You see one. You're like, I got to go to therapy. Right. You see a family. Three a week. Legs and splatter and dead babies and fucking moms. Am I going to be okay? You look at his arm and leg over there and you're like, fuck. And people hate you on top of that. That's true.

3:07:25That sucks. You can't win. Especially cops. But first responders, people don't even hate them. Nobody really hates ambulance drivers. No. No, or firemen. Or firemen, yeah. That's crooked. What? They're not. What? Boys, we've got to wrap this up. I don't think we did. I think we just started. We just started. We're just getting cooking. JMO's drunk. You're not going anywhere brother. You're gonna bong another beer. I gotta do a thing soon. What do you have to do? What the fuck was that? You gotta do a thing in your kids school. Tonight? Yeah, I gotta go to a thing in my kids school. Oh, you're gonna reek a booze!

3:07:59You can't be drunk for this. You can bong one more and then that's it, Joe. Allegedly. What do you got? A class play? A thing. I gotta go to a thing. Show and tell? You can bong a beer. PTA? No, I can't. You can bong a beer before kids. No. I gotta be out of here in a little bit. I'm done. Talent show? I gotta go to the bathroom one more time, but we're not ending here. I remember how many times you got into the bathroom I haven't gone once you fucking dirty I'm in competition with you You dream sipping a fucking bullseye I haven't even seen you refill that thing I make the noise every time Twice I remember the noise twice So nice to be back boys It is good to be back This is so fun This might be the best one We missed you dude it was weird not knowing where you were It was very uncomfortable I didn't like it Sorry, I was completely fine with it.

3:08:50Dude, when I texted you when I was back, you're like, who is this? I was just like, hey, it's the Jew. I said some very specific things. Like, who is this? Like, you know who the fuck it is. And you're like, yes, motherfucker. You gay guy. I knew it was you. Well, I started getting text messages from an unknown number that knew things about me. I'm like, who the fuck is this? Yes, you did that. But I've been meaning to change my phone number for so long. Like, every time a new one comes in, I'm like, oh, fuck this. I got the same one since seventh grade. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Let's go.

3:09:16Let's go. Oh, tits. This is Moscow whores. No. No, this is Florida. Oakland Coliseum. Oakland. Oakland Coliseum. Oakland was white. These were the Raiders played. Teddy. What year? I will never get tired of the song. Wow. I'll never get tired of the song. We can't go out on this because they can't hear it. Yeah, bongo.

3:09:48Wait, they're not allowed to hear this? I don't know. Sometimes they are. We'll see what happens. But yeah, that's a hell of a tune. Let's get J-Mo on. I went to see them recently in Texas. Get the whole game. Really? Yeah, but it's different. I will. So many people are dead. Right. It's not the same band. You've got to see them when they're all there. Yeah, it's a tribute band a little bit. They did great. It was still the great songs, but Party is like, I wish the real guys were alive. It's like if you went to see a Hendrix tribute band, you just get sad. Tribute band. Right. Yeah, you just get sad.

3:10:22Like I missed Hendrix. I don't want to see Led Zepp again. Well, you know what's weird? It's like Journey. They have like that guy, Steve. What is his name? The lead singer of Journey? What was Steve Perry? Steve Perry. He's still alive. Yeah. And he doesn't sing for Journey anymore. There's another guy who sings for Journey. He's like a Filipino guy. You can replace drummer. You can replace guitar. You cannot replace lead singer. Right. No way. Exactly. You need a front man. Although I saw a foreigner Really? With the new guy How was it? Were they cooking? I was so excited Yeah? To see Jukebox Hero live I saw that I saw a foreigner, sticks and Def Leppard I was there for foreigner And then I worked in a factory the next day at 4am Damn What kind of factory?

3:11:06No way! I shoveled glue into a machine for 12 hours the next day Glue? Glue? Did you just throw up? Yeah, we were making the packaging. Glue? We made the packaging. Oh, wow. That's crazy. Did you get free ice cream? That's crazy. You could stick your hand in the ice cream. We don't make the ice cream you love. We make the packaging. Glue it on a machine. Sounds like fucking a sex doll. It was, yeah, a lot of glue. Ari, when do you decide when you're going to do these walkabouts? Like, how far out? Well in advance. Probably like a year. So like how much time between now and the next walkabout? No plans for the next one yet.

3:11:45You've done Asia. You've done South America. You should go to South Africa. Russia. No interest in Russia. Yeah, go to Zimbabwe. Go get arrested, faggot. Africa would be cool. Yeah, do it, pussy. Come on, you bitch. Go to Ghana. Go to Ghana. Go to fucking Gaza. I don't know where it'd be next. I dare you. Gaza's got no good coffee shops. Not anymore. They're roasted. I bet they do. They definitely did. Jesus Christ! Off the cuff! Off the cuff! You son of a bitch! Uh, yeah, I don't know where he's at. Yeah, where else could you go? You've done everywhere. I want to go back to Asia. There's more of Asia.

3:12:23There's a lot of Asia. I know I really want to go to the Philippines. Bombshell sex harassment suit against... Who's that guy? Lorna. J.P. Morgan branded complete fabrication as John Doe unmasked. What is this? You're showing us. We were talking about earlier today. Oh, with the lady? Yeah. That's the guy who made a story? Yeah. That's the guy. That's the guy. So this is the guy who worked there? I knew it was fabricated, dude. I knew. So everything is fabricated. Everything in the world is fabricated. Let me see the guy. So what is this? Show Lorna again. Go down and show the girl. Show the lady.

3:12:57It's like an Indian Jared Fogle. Oh, hello. Think of her being like, not bad. Would. But imagine her. She's walking around and everybody thinks that she said those horrible things and talked about tits like they're cannons. Cannons. I'm so sorry if you're embarrassed about your bush. I'm not embarrassed. So this guy just made it all up? Yeah, look at him, dude. Is that the alleged? That's a face of a horny man. A virgin. He's got a fucking Leno nose. Hmm. He does. Have you seen this? Have you heard about the cannons? Now deleted court papers. Ah, the cannons. Ah, he fell down a hill. Whoa, he even turned up unannounced at Rana's apartment and forced him to have sex.

3:13:33Oh, that was the... That was the lie. It was a lie. Well, good for her. She's been exonerated. That's a lady going to force you to have sex. She categorically denies the allegations. She never engaged in any inappropriate conduct with this individual of any kind and has never been to the location where the alleged sexual assault supposedly took place. It's not sexual assault if a girl... No. Yeah, what are we going to force you? Like, what are we talking about? Go, come on. Just say, come on 20 times in a row. And you literally can't sexually assault a guy. I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16.

3:14:03She was probably 50. It was the best night of my life. I'm a survivor. Oh, man, look at them. They're posting pretty pictures. What about Winona Ryder? You heard about her? Jamiroquai? What? No, she's dating Jamiroquai? No, Jamiroquai and her used to fuck, and he said I couldn't keep up with her. She wanted to bang so much. It was, like, annoying. Jamiroquai's making a comeback. I believe what I should discover. He shouldn't after that story. I know, it's not a good look. Think about it. He said she had huge tits, and it was a problem. They were bigger than they looked. Pull it up, J-Mo. I dreamt of doing it.

3:14:33You gotta work out you gotta be He wasn't ready the lights were too bright How crazy is that with Nona Ryder like imagine kicking her out of bed like you want to fuck too much and this is like 30 years ago. You're gonna jamur cry Jamie delete that Jamie. No keep it in. It was actually good, but you just Your likability is the issue. He's a really good joke. If I said it, we'd all be going, ah! Peter Koi is such a weird name. What was his big song? He had that one really good song. Virtual Insanity. Yeah, there was a sick-ass music video where he was dancing. Oh, they danced really cool, yeah. No, Jamar Karp rules.

3:15:15Yeah, that one. What was the song? Oh, Huge Mommy Milkers is what he said about her tits. There was a bunch of memes going around. No thanks. Are we sure that this is true, though? Did he really say this? There it is. What's a mommy milker? The memes about the shocking viral story. Look how hot she was. She was very attractive. She was hot and she liked to shoplift. She's your kind of girl, Norm. Oh, yeah, big fan. You guys do shoplift together. Oh, yeah. I'll show her some strange things. Wow. Her boobs are too big and she wanted to have sex. Why did they have to cross out sex? What happened to America?

3:15:46It's an algorithm thing. It's just so things don't get suppressed. I know. Boobs are too big? Well, it's everything. What does that mean? You know, on TikTok, you can't use a juice box emoji. That's right. People are using it for the Jews. Yes. But we love juice boxes. Yeah, but they don't. A free juice box? Free juice box, buddy. Jews are all about that. But now the Jews own TikTok. That's right. Really? I think. Did it go through? Yeah, what's that guy's name? But they took it from China and sold it to... They purchased it at a reasonable rate. Ellison? Yeah. Ellison's Jewish? Yeah. You gotta see that face.

3:16:21Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see the mug. It looks like his mantle. Yeah, I think, well, it's like they own TikTok now, and I think they're trying to own ABC. The weather. Was that thing true about Iran that they shot down some weather station and then all of a sudden started raining like crazy in Iran? But then I read that that's horseshit and that they experience the same amount of rain every year. So that's the thing. You can't buy into all those. Those are conspiracies created by. You guys are hilarious. They go, you guys are dumb as shit. You'll believe we created the weather. And then when you say that, control it, of course.

3:17:01But then you go, but you definitely bombed kids. And that's not a conspiracy. Right. But also. They bombed everybody. The U.S. has bombed way more children. It was stolen rain. What do you mean? Stolen rain? The United States has killed way more children than what you're talking about. Oh, but that's true. Can we do this the way you guys did where it was look at this story? Yeah, you guys I don't know well you're going against the US. Look at this story as fighting escalated air corridors were restricted Social media post alleged that cloud seeding aircraft used by the US and its allies have been grounded causing stolen rains to return So we've been stealing rains from Iran for a long time Dope that building is that building is that Iranian building looks like it that building yeah dope as fuck That ain't Cleveland.

3:17:51We should make a... When I buy a ranch, we should make that our podcast studio. I don't know. Make it look just like that. I'm not sure you want that kind of heat. I think AI is going to detect it and blow it up. Let's see what it says on the outside. Maybe it says something cool. Fuck yeah. In Arabic, fuck yeah. It says America, fuck yeah in Arabic. The Arabic writing is dope as fuck, though. It looks cool. It looks pretty slick. They invented writing? Where'd you hear that? Well, numbers, I should say. I thought that was cool. They came up with numbers. What did Greek do? We can give them that.

3:18:24But look. Thanks, guys. What a great episode we had. We had a good run. Hey, should we get dinner? I'm starving. Fun times, boys. Oh, jeez. Next one. Next one. Two months. Let's do two months. Let's keep them regular. Two months? Come on. We can do that. I can do two months. Come on. We're in May right now. Is it May yet? It's close. It's May 1st. Tomorrow is first. Tomorrow is May? Yeah. Today, when it comes out, it's May 1st. A lot of editing for JMO June 13th Speaking of the end Available at AriShaffir.com Starring Shane Gillis and Mark Norman Available at AriShaffir.com There it is, the end Mark Norman, look at you Handsome son of a bitch You belong in that period of time I got a Netflix special out Check it out, let's bump it back up Tuesdays we might be drunk Praise our lives Jews killed Jesus tires new season when's the new season coming out I don't know if I'm allowed to say should be around August okay yeah love you guys shout out to everybody out there listening the parks are safe jihad