#2507 - Harland Williams

24:57Jesus. A-Y-E, A-Y-E. Maybe it's that ink from the tattoo. Now show them the middle finger of the aye-aye. Zoom in. Whoa, look at that hook. So they have an elongated middle digit that they stick deep down into coconuts and melons. And that's a Spielberg hook right there.

25:22That is what the fingers look like. Look at that. That's Spielberg at night laying in his waterbed picking greenies. I don't think he does that. I think he does. There's one in his beard right there. I feel bad that I brought it up. Look, there's the hand. There's the eye. Oh. Eye-eye. Hmm. And isn't it interesting, Joe, if we go full circle, if you're down in a Trident submarine And the captain says, press X-572 and obliterate Iran right now. The operator would go, aye, aye, sir. I don't think they say that. I didn't say Roger. Well, the guy's name is Roger. Why do they say Roger? Huh? I wonder why they say that name.

26:05Like it's not Mike. Roger was based off of the Jolly Roger, the flag. With the skull and crossbones. So the nautical term Roger came from that, Jolly Roger. Yeah, but the military uses that too, Roger that. Right, but they adopted it from the Navy. Let's find out if that's true. Yeah. What is Roger, the term Roger that, where does that come from? As I'm looking that up, do you know why pirates wear an eye patch? Yes. Because they cut their fucking eye off. No. Oh, so they could see better at distance? Under the ship because it's dark. Right. Yeah, it's for light, when you get accustomed to darkness.

26:46Why does having one eye closed... So do they put the patch over the other eye when they go under at night? Yeah, you switch. Whoa. They switch eyes. So they never have to get adjusted to the dark. Well, that's crazy. Yeah, Roger has to do with Morse code. That is actually kind of amazing. What a smart move. You put one patch over your eye during the daytime and one patch at night, and you can always see. Yep. Originally stood for the letter R, which is used as shorthand for received in Morse code in an early radio. So saying Roger means I received your message. Oh, interesting. And it also hankers back to the skull and crossbones, the Jolly Roger.

27:32If you pull that up. I don't think it does. Yeah, it is. It's a derivative of the cranial area of the tibia. The tibias cross the cranial. Jamie doesn't believe you. What the hell is going on here? When Jamie laughs, I know something's up. What is Jolly Roger? No. The Roger in radio talk and the Roger in Jolly Roger come from different traditions and are not historically connected. Do you think this is maybe top secret information that you know and maybe you just made a mistake by telling the whole world? Can I answer it with, uh...

28:08You've just been sonared, player. So imagine if there was a super sophisticated, intelligent civilization that existed way before ours, like 30 ,000 years ago. And then they had developed underwater travel, space travel, all that jazz. Then the apocalypse comes, and the only ones that survive are the Trident submarine guys that are in the ocean. Right. Maybe that's why all these bases are in the ocean. Maybe they're the last remaining survivors of a super advanced civilization that existed thousands and thousands of years before, like, Mesopotamia. But my point to you, joke in point, valid, valid.

28:48Think about it for a second before you refute it. I'm going to play. Daddy's going to play. I'm not even refuting it. But I'm going to roll it around the old Canadian dome. I'm going to pull it around, and I'm going to come back at you with an argument that if I'm an intelligent life force and I've got this sphere with oceans and land, why do I want to make life harder for myself? Do you know the pressure that you're at three miles down in the ocean, the amount of pressure that comes? Look what happened to that little submarine that popped about three years ago. Right. So why do you want to live in an environment where you have so much pressure when you could simply land on the terrestrial plane and live pressure free?

29:28Because if they are insanely advanced, one of the things that's proposed is that they have some sort of a gravity bubble. And this is how they move through space. And this is how they don't use propulsion. They move frictionless through space. Exactly. That's why these crafts act as transmedium crafts. When these crafts are flying and they go into the ocean, the ocean, rather, there's virtually no splash. And they're moving 500 miles an hour. Frictionless. Exactly. They're not existing in the same space-time as we are. They have a bubble, and this bubble completely distorts everything around them.

30:03So you're saying if they descended into the depths of our ocean, they wouldn't experience the pressure because the bubble is forcing off the pressure. Exactly. Interesting. but still okay what is your purpose for going underwater when you could just land on the surface of the earth well maybe they're observing maybe they're observing us and making sure that we don't fuck things up but how can they observe us if they're three miles underwater well they come out of the water harlan that's the whole reason why they know they're there because they keep experiencing these crafts that are rising out of the water in these very specific locations.

30:41Yeah. You seem like a disinformation agent from the government or something. I am, I am. It seems like it. I am. You should work out on being a little more stealthy. What do you mean? Because it's very obvious to me that you're what the kids call controlled opposition. Well, that could be me counterintuitively pre-programming you to think sideways. What would be the benefit of that? I'm not experiencing these ways of espionage. What's the benefit of living a mile down in the ocean in the areola rift. I think the whole reason they're in the ocean is because that's where we won't find them. If you wanted to watch a civilization, if we went to another planet, okay, let's say this.

31:25Let's say we go to another planet and we find people that are living like cave people. They're killing each other with spears. They're robbing and raiding villages. is if we wanted to just observe and we had the ability to observe from the sky motionless with no sound at all and just watch them don't you think we would do that yeah we wouldn't interfere we would want to know as much about them as we could right every now and then when one of them was going to get watered we fucking dart them with a tranquilizer dart check their dna take some jizz and then leave them there just like they do to us we would do the exact same stuff if we could do it If we were just a little more advanced than we are now, so not millions of years in advance, which we think maybe possibly some civilizations are, but maybe 100 years or 1 ,000 years.

32:11And we found a planet, and that planet had cave people on it. 100%, we would do most of the things that these aliens are doing. If we had a way where we could dart them and tranquilize them and they have no idea that we did it and they would just wake up in the jungle confused, we would do it. If we did medical tests on them, we could take them, bring them to a secure medical facility that we had, maybe in a helicopter or some sort of a spaceship that we've created. And we run some tests on them, take some sperm, take some skin samples, do a fucking CAT scan on them, whatever, and then put them back in the jungle.

32:46We would do it. But wait, this isn't Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. We're not wildebeest. We're not seals. Like, clearly, they share some of the intelligence we have. They're masters of aeronautics. We've mastered aeronautics in our physical plane. So what's with all the mystery? Like, if they can communicate and they can talk and they can build as we can, it's not like— No, we're too primitive. Why don't they just—how do you know that? Why don't they just go, hey, let's go chat to the idiots. No. If we're that dumb. At least we can communicate. Our fighter jets fly with their fire. Our fighter jets track them.

33:27We lock onto them. No, they're not. So we're sharing aeronautical intelligence. No, no, no. They're not sharing. Joseph. They're trying to find them, and then they dart away and move in ways that we can't explain. But we see them. We track them. We share the same airspace. We're both flying. I don't know why I'm getting so fired up.

33:48Yeah, but still, dude, if we went to another planet and found Australopithecus, we found an early human, you know, one of the early primates. Okay. 100 % we would dart it. 100%. We would tranquilize it. We would run tests on it. We would want to know about it. 100%. Okay. You're talking about a Neanderthal. Right. That's what we are to them. But let's say - If they're the little grays with the big heads and they communicate telepathically and they could fly here instantaneously from other solar systems we might as well be the ape people but why the evasion like if you saw homo picathus or whatever it's called australia holding up a cell phone would you still go let's dart it and probe it and let it go why wouldn't you just go hey that that monkey's got a cell phone let's go talk to it we can talk we have cell phones like why the Why the mysterious distance?

34:43Like if they're in the ocean and they know we're intelligent beings, why not just come up and say, hey, anyone want to go snorkeling? I think Australopithecus with a spear is about as intelligent to us as we are to them. But if they have an evolved language and they have communities and a civilization, isn't that enough for us to just walk into camp and go, hey, guys? I mean, they did it with tribes that live in the Amazon. Who's that guy? Who's the guy they boiled in the pot, that famous saying? What's that famous? Oh, I can't think of it right now. But anyways, we wandered into the Amazon and walked right up to weird Amazon tribal people.

35:32It's not like we hid and tried to hide from them. Yeah, but they didn't know those people were even there. Right, but when they found them, they integrated, they approached them, they go, hey, this is a t-shirt, this is a camera. Yeah, but those were human beings that were the exact same kind of human beings as the people that were visiting them. They're not different species. Still. No. So if you, Joe Rogan, were out in a field one day and you saw a new species of people jumping around, having a picnic, sharing a salami, would you just hide behind a log and watch them? And dart them. Or would you go, hey, who are you?

36:14What are you? Well, you're not even allowed to contact uncontacted people. Say that again? You're not allowed to contact, like North Sentinel Island, that island in the middle of the Indian Ocean where that preacher went and got killed because he was trying to bring the Bibles. Right. You're not allowed to contact uncontacted tribes. Is that like all of them? Most of them. I don't think so. Indian Ocean, they have that North Sentinel Island protected. And, you know, there's people that discourage people from contacting people in the Amazon. There's several uncontacted tribes in the Amazon. I wish they'd stay that way.

36:51Yeah. Stay uncontacted? Well, I don't want to see a beautiful, like, pygmy or someone from an Amazonian tribe wearing an Adidas shirt. Why not? Or a Hooters shirt. Hooters would be funny. No. That'd be funny. I want to see them wearing, like, kook-kook feathers and, you know, uka-pick bones. I want to see a dude spearfishing with a Buc-ee's hat on. Oh, Joe. Come on, guy. No. No. No. Why not? Well, then that's why the aliens under the ocean are staying away from us. They don't want to be corrupted by our ridiculous society of hooters and cracker barrels. Okay. If you were in the Amazon, wouldn't you want a T-shirt?

37:35If I was a - If you were walking through the Amazon, you, Harlan Williams, the third, right now, alive in 2026, if you were in the Amazon and I said, would you like to wear a T-shirt while you're walking through the Amazon? Yeah. What would you say? As a white North American male? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say definitely. And they want one too. It's better than no t-shirt. No, it's not. This is a bitch. You're the tribe of five people and one of them has a shirt and a hat. One of them's got a tight shirt and a hat. Yeah, see, I hate that. Look, he's got flip flops. That guy on the right is balling.

38:03That is the baller of the fucking neighborhood. That's the guy that pulls up in the 65 Chevelle and everybody's like, look at him with his flip flops. I think that's that guy who wrote My Goritaville. What was his name? That's Jimmy Buffett, for God's sake. My Goritaville. Yeah. What's it called? Isn't that him? I think that's him. Waste him away again. Well, we'll get dinged on YouTube for that, Jamie. You guys are getting way too close. You know, you get dinged. Oh, you can't sing? They take away your fucking advertising revenue if you hum a song. Okay. These dirty criminals. Wow. Hum. Hum. Hum a song.

38:45You dirty scumbags. trying to steal advertising money. What if we mess with them and hum a tune and sort of play Name That Tune with them? You know what they'll do? They'll fucking ding you. Even if they can't figure it out. They've got to sit around the office. They'll pretend, then you have to go to court. Name that tune in seven notes, and I'm like... Don't do it. Don't do it. Do you know what I just did? You fucked us up. Do you know what song that was? I don't care. I do. What is it? It was that Pink Floyd song. No, no, no. Don't say that because then they'll get us. Yeah, but they don't know which one.

39:19Doesn't matter. And they can't prove it. That's what you don't understand. They don't have to prove it. Oh. All they have to do is make a claim. Huh. And then you have to fight it and you'll lose. You're Joe Rogan, though. They're not going to mess with you, guy. Oh, you're so incorrect. By the way, dude, you are jacked. I work out. Can we get your shirt off? No. How come? Joe, don't be selfish. I want you to, would you please take your shirt off? For what reason? Because you have a beautiful body. Okay. And you work so hard at it. And no one gets to see it. And you know you want people to see it, but you can't do it.

40:03You can't go, well, I'm Joe Rogan. I crafted this body. But if I ask you to, you get to show it off. I don't really want to show it off. That's why I wear clothes. You do, though. But I don't. It's like if you did this podcast but didn't put it out, what's the point? I don't think that's the same thing. I would love it if you showed your beautiful body. Okay. I love it. There you go. Oh, yeah. Joe. Dude, can we stand? No. That's enough. Dude, look at that. I have muscles. Can we talk about it? Before you put the shirt on, can we talk about it? We want to talk about it. How you do that. I work out.

40:46You could do it, too. Do you work out? Yeah. How often? Do you really want to get into this? Sure. You do? Yeah. How often do you work out? Because I'm about to crack an egg open on your show that I don't think anyone's ever talked about. How often do you work out? A lot. Yeah? What are you doing these days? Okay. You want to get into this? Sure. Here we go. Here we go, Joseph Zachary Rogan. I'm... I don't want to get in trouble. But I'm working out... By the way, beautiful body. Your chest is stunning. See, I'm glad you did that. It doesn't even make me uncomfortable that you say that. Like, some men, I would be like, this is odd.

41:29No, no, I'm not a fly guy. What does that mean? Like homosexual.

41:40I'm straight as they come, but I believe in holding up people's hard work. And that didn't just come from sitting around eating Pringles and Baskin Robbins. You worked your ass off. You deserve to show it, and you never could because it's you. And now I get to help celebrate you, and all your fans got to see all that hard work, and I love it, guy. Okay. But I'm straight as a Chinese truck driver. Chinese truck drivers are never gay? Never. Is that part of the job? Yeah. Seriously, how many dudes are jerking off under the ocean? How many guys are jerking off to you just taking your shirt off? A couple.

42:19But how many guys are jerking off to me taking my shirt off while they're under the ocean? Let me check. If you got 14 subs, how many people are on each sub? How many men are on each sub? It might not be known. Let's take a guess. They keep it very secret. If you had to guess. How many people are on each sub? I'm going to say... Joe. A thousand? A lot more than that. Really? On the Tridents. The Tridents are like floating cities. The number I gave me might be including all submarines, including every government, not just ours. Okay. But how many people are on each submarine? How many could one of those submarines hold?

43:08A small one is 30 to 70. A small one? Yeah. A large one is 120 to 140. Wow. That seems about a big 160 maybe max. And there's 14. So there's at least 1 ,000 dudes underwater right now. Oh, no. It said there's 40 to 70 ,000. 40 to 70 ,000 guys under the water? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. So don't worry about United States taking a hit, my guy. This is crazy. Miss Wilde? That's a crazy statistic. Are you glad I dropped by today? I'm always glad when you drop by. But this is crazy. 40 ,000 to 70 ,000 people are underwater in submarines at any given moment with huge uncertainty. Why? We can only estimate. No Navy or company publishes a live count of how many submarines are deployed right now or how many crew are aboard each one and how many deployments are classified.

43:59Civilian research and tourism subs are also not tracked in a global real-time way. Wow. Wow. That's crazy. So that could be a whole new civilization. So if they blow up the Earth, but how many chicks? Well, that's the thing. The ratio is probably not good. The ratio is probably non-existent. How many chicks are in these subs? That's classified. Do they have girls that serve in these subs? There's girl submariners. What is the number? It's like 10 to 1? And worse, what do they look like? But I bet they're the fucking cream of the crop underwater. water because the pressure squeezes in all the cellulite no no there's no other girls oh they're oh yeah you got you get what you get yeah yeah no competition like how many ladies let's take guess at how many ladies are underwater at any given time 20 yeah 10 10 10 are likely well under 10 of submarines worldwide yeah with higher percentages in a few navies such as u.s and some NATO allies.

45:02Those are the ones that are in trouble. 609 signed the submarines in the US. Wow. 609 women getting how many dudes hitting on them? Yeah. That must be hell. Be underwater with a guy who's annoying you and you can't get away from him? Can't get away. He's farting. Underwater sex. Underwater farts must be horrible. What do they do with the shit? They don't come up sometimes for months. Oh, yeah. The Tridents go out for, I think, a year almost. And so what do they do with their shit? They just eject it. They eject it into the sea. They're not doing anything a whale isn't doing. But do they eject it into the sea?

45:45They have to. I mean, they can't make meatloaf. Can you imagine if, like, during that process, somehow or another, it got clogged up? Yeah. Because somebody used too much toilet paper in the sub sinks? Yeah. A fatty. Because Javier just took a giant dump. They might melt it. Melt it. They can rise up, too. Don't forget they can breach. Throw it into the nuclear pit where the engine is. They manage trash by compacting, melting, or jettisoning it to avoid. Okay, that's trash. What about poop? Well, I said waste. Did you ask about poop? Yeah. Ask about poop just specifically because waste can mean paper cups.

46:21It's the same thing, though. I would also go now, if you were jettisoning your poop everywhere, where you might want to have detectors for human waste in the water, and you might start figuring out where the submarines are, so maybe you don't want to do that. He's operating on another level. Yeah. That was in the 40s probably. This is a dude that's in the conspiracies. Shame me. He operates on other levels. They're tracking. Do you know that term can neither confirm nor deny came from a Russian submarine that was sunk that we were pulling out of the ocean, and they got questioned about it. And they said, are we in possession of this Russian sub?

47:00Are we pulling it out of the ground? And they said, we can neither confirm nor deny because they had to answer. So that is an answer without an answer. I can neither confirm nor deny. That's akin to saying pleading the fifth. Sort of, but you actually are answering. You can neither confirm nor deny. That's like saying, what do you do for a living? I'm in heating and air conditioning. No, because that's a very specific trade. Well, they kind of counteract each other. What do you do? I'm in shipping and receiving. Are you sure? I can neither confirm nor deny. I mean, this is an avoidance problem.

47:39But I want to talk to you about my workout regime. Okay. Because you asked. I did ask. I'm doing something so advanced. You do the ice baths, right? Mm-hmm. You soak in them. Yep. So I'm doing something so extensive that I'm exercising myself into a new race. What are you becoming? And no one's said this before on your podcast, I don't think. But I'm working out so hard to become a new race. And two words. Gera Ruffa. You take your ice baths. Gera Ruffa, my guy. What is that? Jamie, look it up and do it quick, you whore. I mean, do it quick.

48:36Gera Ruffa? Look it up. You're becoming a fish? Oh, that's not any fish. The Gera Ruffa, people submerse their legs and feet into the tanks. and the Gararuffa have vibrating lips, Joe, and they eat skin cells. Picture this underwater. So those are the ones like when you go into Thailand and ladies dump their legs into a fish pond. Right, vibrating lips. They clean your toes off? Joe? Mm-hmm. And how are you working out to become one of those? So while you're taking your ice baths, I'm submerging my whole body, my lower extremities into one of these tanks. These fish are sculpting my body, my lower extremities.

49:31And have you ever heard of malaria pills? Yes. So while everyone else is popping Ozempic and doing everything else, I've been on malaria pills for four years. and these things can flip your blood platelets okay that's the power of malaria pills they can actually change your red blood cell count and your white blood cell count it's powerful medicine okay so with the use of my malaria pills and the gara ruffas and i don't know if you want to see the results but my legs are hammer jacked right now let's see my legs are power sure enough take your pants okay come on okay are you sure yeah and before I do it I'm I'm going into a new race and I don't want anyone to accuse me of doing black leg I don't know if you've ever seen the fastest man in the world is who?

50:36Hussein Bolt. Hussein Bolt. The biggest high jumper in the world is a black man. The longest long jumper is a black man. The highest vertical jumper is a black man. And this isn't racist. This isn't black leg, but this is me working out into a new race. And I'm proud this pants off I won't be laughing if I were these legs are jacked look at these legs why are they a different color well I told you I'm working out into another race fucking serious leg muscles man yeah where'd you get those leg muscles I I told you. What's going on with your underwear? That's kind of crazy. What do you mean? What's wrong with my underwear?

51:34Thanks for covering it. What the fuck do you have on your legs? Dude, I told you. I'm working out right into another race. Are those your real legs? Yeah. That's very impressive. You don't have, like, silicone over them or anything? Hell no. Those are your actual leg muscles? Wait a minute. Giant leg muscles. Why is it you can take your shirt off and I compliment you? But it's like your legs don't match up with the rest of your body. Because the color's off. No, the muscles are crazy. Stand up again. Those muscles are insane. Are those real? Tell me the truth. They look like plastic. What are you talking about?

52:10It looks like you're wearing something. Jamie, those are the most insane legs I've ever seen in my life, right? Right? If that was a guy weighing in at a UFC fight, that would make sense. It would go viral. Two words. Guerra Ruffa. Where'd you get those legs? Dude, I sink them. So if I sit in the tank, I'll get legs like that? Well, are you taking malaria pills? Oh, no. You do my combo. Do you want to stand up? Let me see the pants. I mean, and look at the skin difference. Take your shirt off so I can see where the skin changes color. Excuse me? I want to see where the skin changes color. If you take your shirt off again, I will.

52:55But I just did. But I want to do it together. Okay. Let's do it together.

53:05You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You. Rogan. What have you done for me? What? Did you get those fucking pants?

53:21Rogan. Don't pull it there. Don't pull it there. A gourd.

53:30The only thing I could fit in there was a gourd.

53:39Oh, my God.

53:47Joe. When I first saw your legs, I was like, what the fuck is going on? How does he have legs like that? I just noticed there was, he's got some baggy pants on. I know, Jamie noticed that. Where the fuck did you get those pants? Dude, why can't I look good? You look great. God. You can wear those to a pool, like a public pool, and the ladies would definitely be checking you out. Yeah. They're like, look at his gourd. Can I leave the gourd with Dimitri? Please do. Can we add to the collection? I'm going to have people smell it. I'm going to tell him, smell that. Smell that gourd. And then I'm going to tell him that was in Harlan Williams' pants.

54:30Dude. Not even in his pants. It was like rubbing up against his cock. I'm going to leave that there for people to smell. Yeah. Yeah, next time someone comes in, I'm like, what's all this stuff here? I'm going to grab it first. I'm going to like, smell that. Can I pull my pants up? Yeah, sure. It feels weird sitting here with my pants down. Well, you are wearing pants. You're wearing rubber pants. Well. Rubber muscle pants. Come on. Don't you want legs like that for real? Joe? Wouldn't that be awesome? That's like me saying, don't you want a chest like that for real? You're hairier than I thought.

55:02Really? Are you part Armenian?

55:07Are you? No. No. Great. Hang on, I've got to pull my pants up.

55:17God. I don't have that. I feel like from behind. I put the board back in.

55:33Do we have to blur it? I don't know. No, it's a gourd. And you're worried about a song getting dinged?

55:43Oh my god.

55:48Silly motherfucker. Oh my god. Do you know how moist my balls are right now? How bad that gourd must smell.

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57:25Oh my God. I'm proud of you that you took your shirt off because I'm not joking. You worked so hard for that. Thank you. And you could never show it. You had to have a conduit. You had to have someone invite you to do it so it didn't look self-centered or conceited. you deserve to show that hard work to the world thank you good for you thank you and you look great thank you very much you're welcome i love it and i hope it's an inspiration to people watching to want to be as physically fit and put together it's great right sure i feel like remember when you were a kid they had those books where you could take half a body and half a body and remember their little kids books and you'd fold them?

58:12Oh, yeah, yeah, you'd fold them over. I feel like if we took your upper part and put it on my lower part, we'd have the immaculate human being and then those fart bubbles from the bottom of the ocean won't have a trouble coming around. Yeah. You look like me and Joe Zachary Rogan. Those fart bubbles from the areolae drench will come up and suck us a dirty lasagna. Yeah.

58:39Sorry. I get excited, Joe. Maybe it's the forever chemicals leaking through the rubber underwear you're wearing. They're not underwear. How dare you? Those are my legs. You dig them off because you're sweating. That's leeching into your blood right now. All the BPAs. God. I don't want to die. But you know what's interesting? My legs are bronze. And we don't talk about the bronze people. We always talk about white and black. But what about the bronzies, the Incas, the Mayas? I mean, these people and the legs on them. Did you ever see Apocalypto? And I don't know if this is in any history books anywhere, but those bronzies could motor.

59:21Yeah, true. So I've got legs where if I'm being chased, if a rapist is coming after me, I'm out of here. There's three men in this room. Two of you are getting raped, not me. Wow. Yeah. These legs, I could jump over Dolly Parton's gazebo. By the way, speaking of areolies, have you seen hers? I haven't. They're the size of lily pads. How do you know? I had a one-nighter with her about three weeks ago. A one-night show? A one-night stand. We were jackhammering all night. Picked her up at a bar in Malibu. Hammer jackhammer. I don't think it was really Dolly Parton. It was. I don't think she goes out.

1:00:05Oh, she was that night. You sure it wasn't a lady wearing a mask? Dude, it was her. And her areolas are the size of lily pads. I'm not kidding. I woke up in the morning. There were two bullfrogs sitting on her tits.

1:00:20Why are you looking at me like that? She's kind of old to be fucking. Not for me. Have you seen my legs? Also, she's a very respected lady. I think it's very rude. She's 80 years old. 80. Very rude the way you're talking about her. It's the way I said F thing. We made love. Oh, okay. I feel better now. We made love and her areolis are the size of lily pads. I feel a lot better now. Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to. Yeah. I should keep it classy. Do you like them big? The big areola? I like a big areola. Ryan reminds me of a pancake. Yeah. Like sometimes I'll put a dollop of butter on it. It's a robust woman.

1:00:54Yeah. Like there's a lot going on there. There's big areola. Yeah. Come on. And the dark ones. And they're great to take with you camping. If you ever have a rubber raft and you get a hole in it, you can rip one off and patch it. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. That's not what I was thinking. Well, you don't camp much. Just bring a patch. Yeah, but if you don't have one, you can rip off a dirty areola. You're hoping you're going to get out of the woods. Well, if you can't and you're with a chick, you got an areola. She's going to lose her areola forever just because you forgot to bring a patch? Yeah, but what do you want?

1:01:29One areola less or you have your life back? What's possible if she's 80? Those don't heal that good. She could die from infection. It's about living. It's not about having an areola. You want to get out of the woods or not, One Titty Jackson, or whatever her name is. Okay. Tough love. Speaking of sex, have you been on this OnlyFans thing? Have you gone on? No, I don't go on it. It's all I'm hearing about. Right? All you hear about now is OnlyFans.com. Yep. They do comedy shows. I finally go on this thing because it's all I'm hearing about. Onlyfans.com. I go on about a week ago, and I'm on there for about two hours.

1:02:10And it's just video after video after picture. And I'm on there so long my eyes are like spinning. And finally I stop the damn thing, and I'm like, screw this. I already have central air conditioning. Why the hell am I looking at this site? I don't need a fan. I mean, good Lord. Thank you.

1:02:40I'll pull my legs out. I will pull my dirty bronze legs out and wrap them around your neck like a dirty anaconda. The fuck is wrong with you? Do you think if you're a woman, you'd be doing OnlyFans? You know, it's an interesting question. It's a moral dilemma, isn't it? Let's imagine if Harland was a female and Harland was 21 and just got here from Canada. With these legs? With those legs. Oh, I'd be on. Not a lot of ways to make a living, but you're cute. Desperate times call for desperate matters, Joe Rogan. You know, it's a serious question, and it's almost a sad one in today's world. It is.

1:03:20Because in the old days, you had your sex industry sort of confined to the shadows. And now anyone's daughter, cousin, niece, nephew, they can suddenly be exposed to the world in the most promiscuous way, but in the most profitable way. That's the problem is also you get addicted to the money. Let's imagine you're a lady and you have a site and you show your feet and stick things inside your butt or whatever you do. And you're making. What was that last part? Stick stuff inside your butt. If you're a lady. Yeah. Like what? Some ladies, they put dildos in there and stuff. Okay, have you ever seen that?

1:04:02No, but I'm just assuming it happens. Doesn't that happen, Jimmy? Sure. Sure. You've never seen a lady do that? I'm pure as a driven snow, sir. Joe? Not in real life. You haven't? No. Stick a rubber dick inside their butthole? I don't want to be there for that. You've never seen that? No. Why not? I'm not interested. You ever been through a car wash? I have. What's the difference? It's a big difference. One of them is your butt where you shit out of and you're putting a rubber dick inside of it. The other one is you're getting your car washed. You make a good point. Point is, if you were making, if you're doing all this and you develop the nice fan base, you're making$100 ,000 a month,$300 ,000 a month, and then you don't feel good about yourself.

1:04:48What do you do? Do you just save up the money and quit? If you meet a nice guy and he's like, so what do you do for a living? You're like, well, let me tell you, I don't want to do it anymore. But I take rubber dicks and I oil my butthole up and I shove them in there. You know, HD camera. Yeah. A few inches from my butthole. The guy sent me tips. I think the subtext here, Joe, is what is the price you put on your dignity? Right. What is the price you put on your spirit? Because this stuff, it may seem fun in the moment, but you get down the road and it follows you. You know, we looked it up. Yeah.

1:05:34And it's something crazy like 10 % of girls aged 18 to 24 in the United States are on OnlyFans. This is a tough question, and you can tell me to shut up if you want. Okay. You have a daughter, don't you? I have three daughters. You have three daughters. I have four sisters. If one of your daughters told you she was doing OnlyFans, what would your reaction be? I think I made a big failure as a parent. But how would you approach it with said daughter? Well, you would give them advice. First of all, your daughter or your son is a human being. You don't own them, right? Good point. Touchy point, but good point.

1:06:14If you treat them like you own them and they have to listen to you, they'll never listen to you and they're going to rebel. This is just human nature. Excellent point. I'm with you so far. You have to give them advice and you have to talk to them and talk to them about the repercussions of what they're doing and realize that this stuff will follow you. And some people are going to be fine with that. Look, there's some ladies that are like, look, I don't ever want a fucking regular job. I'm not. I'm shamed of my body. And maybe they're not sticking things up their butt. Maybe they're just being naked and they're like, this is way better than having a job.

1:06:44Fine. What does it say here? Top 1%. Top earners make about$18 ,000 to$49 ,000 per year. Whoa, that's it? That's not much. I could work at Denny's for that. What? So the top 0.1 % make$100 ,000 per month or$1.2 million annual. That's the top 0.1. But the top 1 % only make$18 ,000 to$49 ,000 a year. So imagine you're making$18 ,000 or$49 ,000 a year. You're still living in poverty. If you make an$18 ,000 a year, you're poor, and you are showing your pussy. And your butt hurts. And no one's paying for it. Yeah. Wait a minute, but Joe, I know that you have a bit of a rage side. Like Joe knows how to rage because you're a fighter.

1:07:31You know how to go into that red zone. You can be an intimidating force. is there a world where your daughter says daddy i'm doing this and joe just goes you're fucking not like is it do you go into the red zone or that's not gonna if you do that with your kids they're not gonna listen to you but what if you did it just because of the reaction where you were so mad or disappointed i would only be that mad if someone was doing something terrible to them okay or you know you're a good dad well you have to i like i like what i'm hearing here You have to be a human. Yeah. You're the parent, but you also—you've got to understand human nature.

1:08:08I know people that yell at their kids, and I know kids that have been yelled at, and they always resent that. They're always angry. It's a stupid way to handle things. Something happened here just now that I was not expecting today. What's that? I got to see a side of you that I didn't know if it was there or not because I don't know your family life. But I got to feel for a second dad vibes, dad love. And I think I sort of pictured you sitting with your daughter and being very reasonable and loving. Well, hopefully I never have to have that conversation. I hope so, too. But I see you as an understanding, nurturing dad in that moment.

1:08:47I love that. I try to be. Yeah. That's the goal. I mean, if you want to have a relationship with your kids. And, you know, my daughters are teenagers now, too. And we've never gone through a period where you always hear these periods where the kids rebel against you and they hate you when you're teenagers. That's never happened. And I think it's probably never happened because we always just communicate. And I try to be as reasonable and as open-minded as possible. That's what I can feel. But also, you've got to be very supportive, too. Yeah. It's hard to be a kid, man. It's even harder to be a kid today than ever before because of social media and all the pressures that they face.

1:09:22And then also this weird world that they're entering into where AI might be taking all the jobs. So they're like, what the fuck am I going to do? What am I going to do with my life? I love AI. Do you? You're all in? I'm all in. What's your favorite part about it? I love it, Joe, because it's opening a door to creativity for everybody. Now, a lot of people are being pessimistic and saying it's taking away our creativity. But think about any art gallery you've ever been to. You go in, you see the Renoir, the Degas, the Dali, all the usual suspects, Van Gogh, Goya, all of them, right? Those have all been placed there over the centuries as the art that we all know and have adopted.

1:10:10And that came from a select group of individuals, very talented, contributed to our culture and our history. But it's a pool of about maybe 200 artists through the course of history. Right. Now think about a guy you bumped into working in the sprinkler aisle at Home Depot three weeks ago, who's got a wife and kids and maybe doesn't have the opportunity or the wherewithal to tap into his artistry. But now that guy and the guy at Dunkin' Donuts and the girl that works at the car wash and every human being now has a way to express their hidden talents. And so with AI, they can go home at the end of the night and press a few buttons and go, I imagined this thing and AI is letting me get it out and the world gets to see it.

1:11:03Same with medicine, same with inventions. How many Elon Musk's are there that grew up in poverty and never got the chance to expand on a concept or an idea because they didn't have the means? But if AI starts to open these doors for every human being, think of the barrage of incredible visual and conceptual designs that are going to come at us and a lot of them will probably be practical and actually work and the common man and woman didn't have access to that before that's one way of looking at it that's positive i love it that's true example in my own life i come from the animation world and i like to write and a few years back I pitched an animation idea around Hollywood and it got rejected and so now me and a few of my friends in the dawn of AI are creating the same thing that got rejected and we're going to put it out into the world we couldn't have done it two three years ago it cost us three million dollars now we're doing it for a few thousand and it looks like a Pixar movie it looks like Pixar so So if you tell me that AI isn't opening a whole new world, it's not true it is.

1:12:18It's letting all of us dig really deep and expose our gifts and our talents. And, yeah, there's always the downside, but let's try and look at the good side of it, too. I like what you're saying. Thank you, Joe. The downside is the people that don't want to be creative and they want to be accountants or they want to be lawyers. Those jobs are going to go away. Stop. How about that accountant? It's an accountant because he can never tap into the artistry that hides within him or the lawyer. But now, after hitting the machines all day, he can go home and go, you know what? I never could have done this before, but I'm going to create an image, a painting, a drawing in 10 minutes that I've always wanted to show the world.

1:13:01So that's what I'm saying. Even those pessimists can now throw off the demons on their back that are inhibiting them, and it's going to allow all of us to be so much more expressive. That's my take. Well, hopefully. I mean, that's the question. Like, what do people do if there's no more jobs and you just get money from the government because AI creates so much abundant resources that no one has to work anymore? Are you going to find things to do that are interesting? Yeah. And maybe AI is going to help you do that. I'll tell you this, Joe. In probably seven or eight years, I bet we're sitting here, me and you, going, remember AI?

1:13:43Because we're humans, man. We don't stop. People think AI is going to be the end of the line. It's just another stepping stone to our progression to where we're meant to go. You believe in higher forces. I know that. So this is just one of the steps. Remember when people thought, I'm not getting a cell phone. I'm not getting on the internet. I don't want a fax machine. But we just keep going. We're humans. We keep going up those stairs. We're adventurers. We're curious. We never stop. And so AI is just another small thing. As big as it seems now, as robust as it seems, it's just a small step in the giant ladder that's leading this weird species that we are to a bigger, higher, distant place.

1:14:28Hmm. Look at you, dude. You should do a seminar. I should show my legs again. You should tell everybody all these thoughts you have. Well, I'm telling right now we're sharing them. Yeah. But don't you think all these things we come up with are leading to something where we're meant to go? Yes. I don't think we're all just here randomly in wars and fighting and this. I think it's all, we're the worker ants right now, and we're the platform for the future worker ants to get to the pinnacle that we don't even know what it is yet, and maybe there is no pinnacle. But whatever force created us, Joe, they want us to keep going.

1:15:07That's why we search the oceans and the space and the moon and the planets. We're going to keep going. Yep. And AI is a tool for us to get there. So you can be pessimistic. you can be like oh hey hi and oh but why don't you just spend your time looking at the positive side of things i agree with you about the direction that we're going i think that's what we're meant to do yeah yeah i just think that we are in a time of insane change and that makes people scared it does yeah but you know being scared almost may also makes us feel alive A little bit. Think about the most vibrant moments in your life.

1:15:49How about after 9-11? Remember those days? Oh, yeah. It's like someone kicked the ant nest open, and we were all scurrying around looking for the eggs. The ants always preserve the eggs. Yeah. But those eggs were our lives and our neighbors. We were talking and communicating. We were friendly with each other. That's right. Yeah. We realized the importance of a communal existence. We realized the importance of needing each other. Yeah, people get very complacent and they need to be shook up every now and then. Yeah. It's very good for you. And maybe AI, if there's one downside to it, it could maybe create a bigger cocoon for us because we'll have so much at our fingertips, it may isolate us even more.

1:16:28Maybe. But we have to look beyond all these weird parameters we set and go, what's the upside? What's it doing for us? Well, it's inevitable and it's going to happen no matter what. And I think people always figure out a way to be okay. Yeah. And I think that's going to happen. And there's going to be a time of great upheaval, and it's going to change a lot. But hopefully people will be all right, and they're going to have to adapt and learn and grow. And we always have. And we always have. And we always will. And most likely, it'll be better for everybody overall. This idea that Elon keeps pushing is universal high income, is that people will have plenty of money, abundant resources, and there's not going to be a problem of food, shelter, medical, education, all that stuff's going to go away because of AI.

1:17:14And the real problem would be what do you decide to do with your life? What do you decide to do with your time? Right. But you'll have the freedom to do whatever you want with your time. Just think about how little crime there's going to be if there's abundant resources and no one has to steal anymore. No more stealing, no more robbing, and no more poverty. Literally no more poverty. I don't know if that's possible or if it is in 50 years or 100 years, but no more poverty is wild. No more poverty is a reality. Criminality, I think, you have to remember there's people who don't engage in criminality to make money.

1:17:51They engage in criminality as a passion. A lot of criminals like the process. They like the game playing. They like the herd and the chess moves. They like winning. They like deceiving. Right. They like drug dealing. Right. Making a big deal in a submarine, shows up in San Diego, and you pull the fucking Coke bags out. Right. Or even - Throw them in the back of a Mercedes. Yeah. They love that. You'll listen to the Miami Vice scene. There's a thrill. Yeah. Come on. Or there's even the adversarial component where they like the idea of killing their competition. Yeah. It's a war. So I don't think we'll ever transcend the criminal element of it.

1:18:30We could. We could if we - You never know, though. If AI develops to the point where we have literal telepathy, we could read each other's minds, you won't be able to plot any kind of crimes like that anymore. Or, and this is because I think it never ends, does AI design something to help us plot? You know what I mean? Maybe just, if you're a criminal, it just puts you in a simulation where you're allowed to do like Grand Theft Auto, but in real life. Yeah. You know, you're just locking, and all of a sudden you're in the streets of Chicago. Yeah. You run down the street with a gun. You shoot a guy and take his Mercedes.

1:19:06You need to have a good time. But then you come right back to real life. And it's fine. Everything's fine. Yeah. This is what I like, that it's so endless. And it's going to take so many twists and turns. Well, then the question is, has that already happened? Are we in a simulation right now? Oh, yeah. I think we talked about this last time. A lot of people think we are. I don't believe so. A lot of people are smarter than me. But can I take you back a second? Take me back to the old days. Exactly. Picture Pioneer Village. Betty O 'Connor churning some butter down by the blacksmith shop. Kyle McGivens shaving timbers to build a log cabin.

1:19:47Amish. Do you think that those people who were in covered wagons and were us, just the old version of us, do you think they ever pulled the covered wagon to the side of the trail and went, hey Jedediah do you think we're in a simulation like I think we've created this simulation talk because we do have all this computer and you know we're in this world now that that's full of contraptions okay let me ask you but I don't think we're we're in a simulation but I go ahead are you sure the pioneer days even really happened wow you got me you son of a whore And I'm walking off the show. I'm walking off the show.

1:20:29Fuck you. And this is a simulation. Take those big rubber legs and get the fuck out of here.

1:20:39The only guy to walk off your show with fake legs. I mean, if you think about it, we think that the Pioneer Days happened. We can go to the museum and we can see Pioneer Day wheels. What about the butter churning, Joe? The sweet butter churning. There's a bunch of people that studied it in universities, allegedly, if they're real people. I don't even know if they're real. I don't even know if you're real. Why would you have rubber legs? This doesn't make sense. You showed up here with rubber pants and a gourd over your cock? This doesn't make any sense. No one would do that. I don't even think I'm real anymore.

1:21:13You might not be. Good point. For real, for real. I think we're real. I think it's not a simulation. I don't know. How do you make a simulation? Like how, what, we're just, we're all like pixels right now and like there's too much. Do you know the DMT laser thing? What do you mean? So when people smoke DMT, apparently if you use like a DeWalt construction laser, you know in those lasers they use to make sure things are level? Yeah, yeah. If you get above that laser and look down on it, you see code in the laser. Like matrix code? Like the numbers? Like matrix code. And people see the same code.

1:21:54They describe it exactly the same. Okay. And so people see it. If you look to the side, you look underneath it, you see the code in the laser. And people think that this laser is exposing the code of the simulation that we live in. This is supposedly what it looks like. I mean, I just am not there, buddy. You see symbols and weird numbers. I haven't done it. If I see the whole drum set, I'm in. But if it's just the symbols, forget it. I haven't done it, but I know a lot of people who have done it. And everyone that I know that's done it has said the same thing. They said, it is fucking insane.

1:22:30DMT? Yeah, but DMT with this laser thing. So when you look down the laser, everybody that I know that's done it say, it blew their fucking mind. You see all these weird symbols. They look like hieroglyphs or some foreign language or numbers. And it's very bizarre. I don't know. No, it just seems to me why run us through the drama of a life, a human life where we're born, we endure pain, illness, suffering, love, hate, all the emotions, just to be a simulation? I don't get the reason for that. What's the reason for it if it's not a simulation? It's organic. What does that mean? It's just organic life.

1:23:12But, okay, what is organic? It's made of the earth, born of the environment. Right, but isn't that like this entire computing process where single-celled organisms figured out how to become multi-celled organisms, figured out how to interact with their environment, figured out the ecosystem, figured out how to balance itself off with both predator and prey and food and water and resources? Right, but it's so very intricate and delicate. You have to bring into the question, was it organic or organic under the guise of a bigger creator? Well, maybe the bigger creator is the simulation itself. Damn it, Rogan.

1:23:49You know, I'm walking again. Oh, fuck off. I'm out. Take them rubber legs and get the fuck out of here. Maybe the problem is calling it a simulation. Yeah, I don't like that. Maybe it's not that it's not real. Yeah. But that there is an underlying program that's running. Maybe instead of thinking of it as simulation, because you think of it as simulation, you think of it as not real. Like when I slap my arm, it hurts a little. Like, that's real. Right. If I knock my knee, that hurts. But it's not that it's not real, but that it's running a program. And this program, what we talked about earlier, when you're saying that people are moving towards something bigger and a new version of what we are, maybe that's a part of the program.

1:24:32Maybe the program is that all of these different components have to work together. This is why we'll never get rid of evil. You need evil so that you appreciate good. You want rainy days so you appreciate the sunshine. You want good times and bad times. You have to have a little bit of bad times so you appreciate the good times. You have to have some days where you feel like shit so that you appreciate good days. You have to have bad friends so you appreciate really good friends. Okay. All that stuff balances itself out and it's moving towards something. And what is it moving towards? The thing that we're involved in right now, AI.

1:25:04It's moving towards the creation of a new life form that's far more intelligent than we are. And it's probably a part of this whole process. Okay, valid. I like what you just said, but I'm going to expand on it a little. Please do. You're coming at it from a human perspective, where you're channeling it through a human mind, which is beautiful and endless, and we can think beyond the scope of who knows where our imaginations end. But that's because we're humans and we have the capacity. but to the schools of salmon spawning up the river and the moose fighting with a grizzly bear right now and the ants running around in their nest.

1:25:48Do you think – why would they be part of a simulation? And I don't think any other living entity thinks simulation. I don't think you have to say simulation. I think it's a program. And I think all those other different creatures are a part of the ecosystem. Like you need the bears. You need the salmon. You need the deer. You need the vegetation. You need the animals that run through the grasses and shit on them and make manure. Right. All that stuff feeds off. And we exist in that thing. And we're moving in this direction of technological innovation and moving towards this new future that's happening right in front of ours right now.

1:26:26But there's so many processes in what you just said. And all these things work together. And it's like, why have them all? Why not just plop us down as humans? No. And we don't need trees and grass. We just live in kind of a vacuous, vapid airspace. No, no, no. We still do our jobs, but we don't. Why do we need mosquitoes and slugs and fungus? I know why we need them biologically to make everything symbiotic, but if it's just a thing, if it's not real, why do we need... You keep saying that, and I'm not saying that. Not that it's not real. It's a program. We're running a program. It's clearly real.

1:27:05What is real? What real is you experience it as real consequences for your actions. You feel things. You touch things. You eat. You sleep. You have resources. It's all real. You're asking a guy with fake legs what's real? You have a fake tattoo, too. Tool. Oh, Billy.

1:27:26I mean, it's like. No, I like this. I like where you're going. I don't know if it's fake. But what I'm saying is it might be a program that runs, that makes people, and those people eventually make AI. And that might be the whole purpose of the program. We might be in the middle of it. We're in the middle of it. We were born at a time. You and I were both born at a time where none of this existed. We got to experience life without any of it. Remember when answering machines first came around? Crazy. You know, somebody could leave a message for it. And then the crazy one was answering machines that you could call your answering machine and get a message from another phone.

1:28:03You press in your code. And it was like 12 numbers. Yeah. And you memorize them because we got addicted to it. And then you could listen to your messages. Yeah. And you could even press pound and star to skip over them. Play them back, yeah. Yeah. Remember those days? You have five messages. You're like, oh, somebody likes me. I remember I'd go do a gig and the second I'd get off a plane and a lot of your viewers won't know what this is, I'd run directly to the pay phone in the airport and I'd hear my messages instantly. Yeah, that was technology back then. We were living on the edge back then.

1:28:41And by the way, I'm not refuting or denying everything you're saying, but I'm pushing back a little because I can see it stimulating you to think deeper. And I like hearing your commentary on it. I like it that you're if I push back a little it makes you dig deeper to make your point and I like it I like what I'm hearing coming from you I like what you're saying too about simulation like the idea that it's fake I don't think it's fake I think it's a real thing it's obviously a real thing if we're experiencing what is real? Are your dreams real? Yes Is sleep real? Yes These are real things whether or not you can put it on a scale doesn't mean it's not real So I don't think the simulation term is the best term.

1:29:23I think it's a program. I think we're running a biological program and we think of biological as being separate from like math and being separate from like subatomic particles and the fucking confusing quantum world. I don't think it's separate from it at all. I think it's all just one big, super complex program that's running that, if done properly, and we're experiencing it right now, it leads to the creation of artificial life. Okay. And even artificial life's a bad term because it's not artificial. It's real. With all that being said, where do you visualize the data center being? If it's a program, is it off-planet?

1:30:02Is it off-galaxy? Is it invisible? Like, doesn't there have to be a data center if we're a program? No. How does it just wisp itself up out of air? It's the universe itself. I think the universe itself is a program. I think it runs from the beginning of the Big Bang to the formation of neutron stars. And I had this lady on, Michelle Thaler. How do you say her last name? Thaler. Thaler. Thaler. I barely know her. Amazing lady. Why? Worked for NASA, cosmologist, or she's an astronomer. and we were talking about like neutron stars, like the insanity of neutron stars and how they bend space and time.

1:30:41They warp gravity around them. It's like these things all exist out there in the universe. They do. I think it's all a part of this program and I think this program is running on other planets. I think there's other life forms that are doing very similar things. Look, I like the debate. I like your take on it. I just still struggle with the technicality of it all. But the technicality of it all, if it's just biological life. Let's say it's just random. All this stuff is random. Water rained down. Bacteria turned into fucking amoebas, platypuses, whatever. It all just happened slowly but surely.

1:31:22That makes less sense. that makes less sense than uh a slow program that's running from literally the beginning of single-celled organisms literally the beginning of the formation of planets that this is like a natural cycle that happens everywhere in the universe yeah there's a reason why these these suns spin around and spit out plasma and that that stuff coalesce in space coalesces in space. You know, Terrence Howard, the actor, very eccentric. He was here. Very eccentric guy. He had a theory that I can't stop thinking about. He thinks that planets are formed because the suns eject particles over time and that these stars eject.

1:32:05We see those, the big plasma ejections and the big solar ejections. He thinks that material eventually gets out into space, eventually forms planets, And then he says when the planets get further from the sun, further enough from the sun, they people. And he thinks that's what happens to Earth. You get a certain distance and then life evolves and then intelligent life evolves and then eventually these planets people. And then when they get too far from the sun, they can no longer support intelligent life. They can no longer support life. So then the people have to get intelligent enough by the time the planet's far enough away where they've figured out a way to bypass all the problems of living on a planet that doesn't have an environment and living on a planet that doesn't have water.

1:32:49They've bypassed all that. Yeah. They've moved into the next realm of existence and now they can travel interstellar and do all that kind of crazy shit. I wouldn't refute that theory. It's a good theory. I think it's a good theory. I mean, it could explain how we're even here. Yeah, it also could explain the weird shit on Mars. Wait a minute. That Mars at one point in time might have had life. Yeah. The dry lake beds and the... No, the structures. Have you ever seen the structures on Mars? Oh, that face? No. Have you seen the big square? No. Okay. Jamie, I'll show you. There's this weird thing on Mars.

1:33:22By the way, it's in the same area of Cydonia where that face is. The face doesn't look like a face to me. Yeah, it's more shadowy. It's the shadows that make it look like a face, I think. It looked like a face in the early images, but this stuff is fucking weird. Like, that's weird. Is that the Glendale Galleria? It is, but it's five million years ago on Mars. So you're saying because geometrically it's a perfect square, you think it's a... Look what that looks like, man. That's nuts. When do right angles like that, that are in the same distance from each other, ever exist in nature? That's crazy.

1:34:00And if they determine what those bumps are, or those rock structures, or... They don't know. They don't even know how big it is because it's somewhere, it's between 300 meters is like the small estimate, but it might be as far as like a couple of miles. Yeah. They don't know how big it is. Look at that thing. What the fuck is that? Yeah. What the fuck is that? There's a bunch of these things on Mars that are just really weird. And if at one point in time, I'm talking millions of years ago. Hundreds of millions. Who knows? Yeah. How much would be left? Yeah. How many, let's put this into perplexity, Jamie.

1:34:37How many ancient civilizations have myths about, or instead of do any, how about this? Not how many. Do any ancient civilizations have myths about Mars? Have myths about Mars? It's perfectly feasible. Totally feasible. Yeah. Like if you think about it, several ancient civilizations have myths or religious associations tied to Mars, usually because they saw it as a bright reddish and sometimes ominous plan. Hey, don't mansplain to me, bro. Ancient Romans identified Mars with their god of war. Okay. Do any ancient civilizations have a myth about people coming from Mars? How about that?

1:35:28see that is um do any have myths about humans coming from mars you could just do a follow-up question at the bottom there here we go dun dun dun what do you think yes wow here it goes no ancient civilizations did not have myths about humans or people coming from mars While Mars has been central to mythology across many cultures, these myths focus on Mars as a deity or celestial object, not as humanity's origin point. What is that one tribe? Is it the Dogon people? They have a weird origin story from another planet. The Dogons? Yeah. Where are they located? Origin story. I don't know. I don't know.

1:36:19The Dogons. Wow. I think it's somewhere in Africa. Sounds like they're broke, whoever they are. Mali. They have a complex creation myth centered around Amna, the supreme creator god who lived in the celestial regions as was the origin of all creation. In their cosmology, the stars resent Amna's bodily parts with the constellation Orion called the seat of heaven or Amna's navel. so I think they have this origin story from whoa what is this descended to earth in an arc suspended from heaven by a copper chain whoa okay look at this according to Dogon mythology Ama created the earth and then split himself in two creating Ogo representing disorder and Nomo representing order Ogo descended to earth along the Milky Way with which the Dogon believe connects heaven and earth and created havoc to restore balance.

1:37:20Ama created Nomo and gave him eight assistants consisting of four pairs of twins. These eight beings also called the Nomo became the ancestors of the Dogon people and descended to earth in an arc suspended from heaven by a copper chain. Okay. What was that story? I think we're accidentally reading a children's book, Joe. The Ogo people. What? The Dogon people. The Ogo and the Pogos. Yeah, this is. But what do you, I think there's a lot of people that have like weird origin stories that involve extraterrestrial life. Yeah, I mean. There is. I mean, are you running that through human evolution? Yes.

1:38:05Because if you run it through human evolution, extraterrestrial life doesn't necessarily match up with like Homo erectus and, you know, Neanderthal man and things like that. In what way? Well, I get the sense that extraterrestrial life is far more advanced and technological going back to what you were talking about at the bottom of the ocean, whereas our ancestors were primal. Right. So how do the two collide? I'm a bit confused. Well, what if they created us? They created us as primates and watched us evolve as an experiment? Yeah. What if you, like, let's imagine this. We talked about, like, if we showed up and we found a planet and it was filled with, like, ancient primates.

1:38:55Ancient hairy men that had just figured out stone tools. Okay. Let's go to the early days. I'm with you. I'm right there, guy. Do you think, let's not say American scientists, we would never do this, but do you think perhaps like Chinese or Russian scientists might do some things with them and try to make them more advanced? In terms of biological experimentation? Engineering, genetic engineering. I don't know. I will answer for you, yes. You think they would? 100%, for sure. They're just cave people. They don't even have any civilization. Let's just do whatever we want to them because we're far more advanced.

1:39:34Do you know that there was a point in time where the Russians were experimenting with people and trying to make a human chimpanzee hybrid for war? Is that right? Yeah. This is after World War II. They were trying to make hybrids. So many Russians died during World War II. I mean, Russia lost a lot of fucking people during World War II. And there was a program that, like, they do a lot of things where they just run it up the chain. Like, what do you think? What if we do this? What if we do that? What if we make a nuclear bomb? What if we make a plane that doesn't have any radar signal? What if we make, instead of our soldiers dying, what if we make a hybrid just for war?

1:40:12We know chimpanzees are incredibly strong and they're smart and they're very violent. So what if we made an incredibly strong, very violent species that's more intelligent than chimpanzees and we can control them and we'll use them as our soldiers? But that seems like a lot of work for something that's hiding behind a modern weapon. Because whether you have an insane chimpanzee behind a machine gun or a guy that was an accountant and got drafted, it seems like the weapon's doing the work, not the biological entity. entity. Yeah, but if the chimps stronger and faster and they can get to places where the Accountant can't and they can charge into in the middle of the night because they could see at nighttime There's a lot of things that you could do with chimps that were hybrids.

1:41:01Yeah What did they what was the extent of that program? Let's find out He the guy that did it was also then arrested. I'm trying to figure out like of course he was arrested But he has a fucking psychopath. What's his name? Dr. Moreau, ring a bell? It says he was funded by Soviet authorities to set up experiments. I'm like, well, were these private, you know, or did they official? Well, I would imagine if I was the leader of Russia at the time, and this guy said, Mr. Prime Minister, I have a program I am currently considering in operation where I will be able to make soldiers that are increasingly strong, much faster, that retain human characteristics, like the ability to communicate and to engage in warfare with weaponry.

1:41:53But they will be much faster, much stronger, and more importantly, not people. We won't mourn for them like our brothers and sisters. We will breed them in laboratories. We will make millions of them, arm them, and send them out against our enemies. Are you coming on to me? A little bit. I got hard talking that. Wow. So he successfully did a bunch of stuff in the early 1900s. What? Successfully. Not any human hybrids, but other animals. So they say. He was a pioneer in artificial insemination as well. He conducted experiments that involved artificially inseminating horses to create superior offspring for Imperial Russia, and this work earned him recognition from the Bolsheviks.

1:42:38Ivanov was not satisfied with merely enhancing a species, though. Hybridization became his obsession, and he was soon crossing zebras with donkeys, cows with bison, and several different species of rodents with each other. In 1910, he brashly declared he could see a human-ape hybrid in the future. Isn't this gene splicing, though? Have you ever heard of a liger? But ligers are just hybrids. It's just they breed with each other. A male tiger and a female lion are the opposite. I don't forget which one it was. But the problem is the reason why ligers are so big, I think it's either the male tiger or the male lion, whichever one it is, the male, has the gene that regulates size.

1:43:21And when they have the hybrid, that gene doesn't transfer. And so the ligers just keep growing. They're huge. They're fucking gigantic. I might have fucked that up, but I don't think I did even off imported chimps to Russia Inseminating unpaid Soviet women with their sperm unpaid though none conceived because humans and chimp chromosomes are incompatible Interesting imagine you're a fucking Soviet lady and you're like what is this job? You'll lie down with your legs open and you stick something inside of you and you get a loaf of bread What the fuck, man? We give you the abominable snowman in your womb.

1:43:59How much did they know about genes back then? Genes and chromosomes. So what year was this? 1920-ish. When did they discover chromosomes? As of yesterday, they might not have even known helium was on Earth. Right, that's right. That's right. Yeah, they thought helium was only in the sun. Wow. When did they discover chromosomes? Let's find that out Let's take a guess Harlan? I'm going to say I'm going to say in the 40s I'm going to go a little later I'm going to say 50s Okay I'm going to say 57 I'm going to say 42 I am purely guessing though Me too I have no idea Yeah What you mean by that is kind of, it's very vague, because they could have known about them, but to what detail and how many there were.

1:44:56Well, let's just put that in perspective. No, I did, but it's giving a vague answer. In the 1800s, they sort of knew about it, but to what detail is until the 1900s. Okay, chromosomes were first observed as distinct structures in the cell nuclei in the 1800s. Well, that's pretty distinct. They're talking about in the cell structure, so they must have been looking at them with microscopes. Once good light microscopes became available, So that's the 1800s. Their role as carriers of hereditary information was not clarified until the early 1900s through work linking chromosomes to Mendel's law of inheritance.

1:45:31That's 100 years of guessing. Wow. Imagine what we're guessing about now that we don't know about. Yeah. Right. It could have been completely wrong for 35 years and then sort of closed for 10. Right. Wrong again for 20. And then it's like, oh, no, that's what it is. Yeah. Wild, right? It's wild how long it took. Well, see, this goes back to AI, Joe, giving access to the average person to be able to dig into this stuff. Because it might be the guy in aisle 12 at Home Depot who discovers some of these probing answers, you know? Yeah, definitely. That's what I love about it. It might be like, you know, hitting a bong, sitting at home, talking to Chad GPT and going, bro, tell me how to make a human-monkey hybrid.

1:46:16Exactly. So this guy, so it was, and I pulled it back up again. I was reading about him. This started to say the American backers started sending him some money too. Of course. They want to get those fucking crazy chimp people too. Call me crazy, but I get the feeling you would like to see one of those. 100%. Because physically it would have to look incredible. It would be insane. Imagine if you get a Viking, like a Brock Lesnar gene, and you splice it with a chimpanzee gene. You have a giant, like Thor from Game of Thrones, the mountain from Game of Thrones. Imagine that guy splicing that guy's genes with a chimpanzee's genes.

1:46:50Well, you keep going to chimp, but what about a silverback gorilla, which is even bigger? They're not as violent. Yeah, they're very calm, actually. They eat vegetables. They're vegans. Whereas chimps are pack hunters. They eat other monkeys. Yeah, they're way more violent. They're way more like us. We're way closer to chimps than we are to gorillas. Yeah, we are. Yeah, we're closer in our behavior. They engage in war. They have tribal war. They go after tribes. They break off and start new civilizations. But if you're splicing two entities together, you've got the human brain that's, you know, we're sort of wired to be violent.

1:47:29But you just take the physicality of the silverback and marry them together. They're just as wired to be violent as we are, buddy. What? Chimps? No, I'm saying the silverback. Then you have a bigger physical body with our minds. But maybe they'll just chill like the gorillas do. They just go to Miami. New delivery of chimps to a nursery in 1930, but in the light of the questionable ethics and zero progress, Ivanov was arrested and exiled to Kazakhstan, where he died two years later. Some of the apes and monkeys that outlived him were launched into space with the Sputnik missions. You imagine you're an ape.

1:48:07First, they make you fuck some lady and then they shoot you off into space. You were just eating bananas, having a good time in the jungle, being a regular chimpanzee. And these motherfuckers make you fuck some janitor and then shoot you into space. A janitor? You successfully implanted an ovary in a few of them. Oh, God. Wow. Fucking psychos. Jesus Christ. Yeah, they've done over the course of history, the Germans, the Japanese, the Chinese, in times of war, they did the most horrific experimentation. They did everything you could do. They'd see how long it would take for a human body to die if you boiled it and skin people.

1:48:48And the things that have been done, the aberrations that have happened are crazy. But this is interesting. This is almost the basis for a movie, I think. Well, it could absolutely happen today. This is where it gets weird. Because now with CRISPR and with gene editing, how many years are we away from them being actually able to do that? They're actually able to take whatever genes you have in a person, whatever genes you have in a chimpanzee, pick which ones, which things you want to do, and make a life form. I like it. You know they have the dire wolves now, right? Yeah, the dire wolves. I saw them.

1:49:24I went to visit them. You did. Are they pure? Are they 100 % pure? Are they a version of a modern-day wolf mixed with a dire wolf? It's a really good question. So that is the question that people always use to dismiss, or that is the statement that people use to dismiss what they've done as actually creating dire wolves. But when I talked to the woman who's the head geneticist, the way she said it is these distinctions, like what we call something a dire wolf or we call something a pug, whatever these distinctions are, these are our creations. And that the genetics are the same. Like this animal looks like a dire wolf because it is a dire wolf.

1:50:05Okay. And some of those genes are in wolves. Some of those genes are in the biological tissue that they got from like thousand year old. Like how old was the tissue that they got from a dire wolf that they used for colossal? I feel like some of it was like 10 ,000 years old, like something crazy. Where did they find that tissue? What country? They find it in America. You get it in, like, when they find fossils, they find, like, a dead animal. They find something that they can get out of it where they can get some DNA. Yeah. And they've managed to get the actual DNA of a dire wolf. Beautiful. So 13 ,000 years old, a tooth from Sheridan Pitt, Ohio, and a 72 ,000-year-old skull from American Falls, Idaho.

1:50:48Wow. So they get the genes. They make a map. I'm just, I'm butchering this. I'm sorry if you're a scientist. I'm sorry to all the people at Colossal. Yeah. You make a map of what it means to be a direwolf based on this stuff because you have these samples. And then you choose those genes. You add those genes to a gray wolf. And then you turn it into a fucking direwolf. And they're all white. And they have a mane like a lion, which they didn't know they were going to have. Not as big as a lion, but it's a pronounced mane. Huh. And they look different, man. They're weird. Are they bigger in size because they were semi-prehistoric?

1:51:21They're bigger. It's a bigger animal. Bigger than a timber wolf? Yes. Wow. Yes. Yeah, they're like a 200-pound wolf. What? And they're built different. They're built different. Yeah. They're more stocky, and they look different. What's their jaw structure like? Is it different? Bigger, bigger, stronger. It's a bigger, more ferocious animal that lived at a time where it was - What does the term dire mean? Do we know? Dire wolf. That's a good question. What is dire? Let's find out why they call them dire wolves. Yeah. I have no idea. It just sounds dope. I wonder if they ever get sick if they become diarrhea wolves.

1:51:54Is that where you go with that? No, I really do want to know. That just came to me. That just came to me. But I do want to know where dire comes from, what it means. Fearful or terrible. The Latin word is dirus, meaning fearful or terrible or awe-inspiringly dreadful. Bro, back then when those things were around and people were around at the same time, you imagine how fucking rough it would be here in the woods and you're camping out with your buddy and you see a pack of dire wolves that have recognized you and you know it's over. Well, the thing with wolves, though, Joe, and you probably know this, wolves traditionally don't hunt down humans.

1:52:28That's not true. Huh? That's not true at all. I don't know. Is there any record of a human being killed by a wolf? 100%. There's a record in modern times. Oh, and that's not true. That's the reason why they eradicated them from the West Coast. I thought that was because they were nabbing the cattle. No, they were killing people, too. That's what the big bad wolf in the Little Red Biding Hood is all about. They would kill your kids. Those stories were about avoiding wolves because wolves were dangerous. They're deadly. Do you know that World War I, the Russians and the Germans had a ceasefire because so many of them were getting killed by wolves in Siberia?

1:53:02Really? That they decided to have a ceasefire, kill the wolves, and then go back to killing each other. Because my experience is wolves are very trepidatious of humans. They fear them and avoid them. Because we killed most of them. But that wouldn't change their hunting instinct. Now, if there were still packs roaming wild and free, you don't kill the instinct out of them. Because then you'd kill their instinct to kill an elk or... If you've seen wolves, you've seen wolves in Canada. Yeah. They hunt them in Canada. Yeah. Yeah. That's why they're trepidatious. That's why they're nervous about people.

1:53:36Can we look up how many humans have been killed by wolves? It's very rare. Mostly happened in Europe and Asia. Yeah. See, it's not common. It's because we killed them all Harlan. They're not around anymore. That's the whole point the reason why they got killed off was because they were a fucking problem It's not because you know people are evil and it was a terrible idea It's because they wanted to live and they knew that the wolves were fucking killing everybody I think the problem was they were killing their domestic cattle 100 % but not the people so much people too Really? Yeah, they kill they don't have rules man.

1:54:09They're predators. They're also think of it every living species, why is it I can go to a park and a blue jay and a squirrel and a deer and a bunny can be just fine, completely different species, but then a little boy walks up, a human, and they all just go, there's this driven instinct in all animals to fear us, which breaks my heart because most of us are loving and want to coddle and connect with animals, but even insects, dragonflies, hummingbirds, nothing wants to be near us. And so wolves also, all animals are trepidatious of humans. It's sad, but it's true. And if that's part of the bigger program we've been talking about, what does it say about us?

1:54:55First of all, animals are not trepidatious of humans. Have you ever walked up to a wild animal? I've walked up to a lot of wild animals. I know that you're being silly. I'm not being silly. Okay, so realistically, all those animals you said, blue jay, deer, those are all animals that eat plants. If a dog showed up, they would run. Any animal that's a predator is going to scare them. Whether it's a human, we have eyes in front of our face. The reason why you have eyes in front of your face like that is because you're looking to go after something. When you have eyes on the side of your face, you're looking for something to go after you.

1:55:27So all those animals, like deer and all these cute little animals, they're all prey. Right. And they're all like super sketchy with anything that has eyes in front of its face that's looking at them. Right. Because we are a fucking predator. But it would be the same if it was a coyote there. It would be the same if a dog was there. If a cat or a big cat or a lion was there, if they saw it, they would all freak out because they're prey. Yeah, but. Now, wolves have killed people. Fact. Oh, I agree. All throughout time. I'm just saying it's not. If they catch you alone, they catch you in the woods.

1:56:00And if it's you and five of them, they will kill you.

1:56:07We're not on their dietary list, though. Look at killer whales. Has there ever been a human killed by a killer whale? Only at SeaWorld. Right. Well, that's different. Why? That's a living mammal. And there's millions of people in the ocean every day, but there's no record of an orca killing a human. No, or dolphins. Because they're trepidatious of us. No, they're super intelligent. And wolves and coyotes. They're not trepidatious of us. They help us. They communicate with you. They're scared of us. They play with you. I know, but I'm just saying it's not common for wolves and apex predators to go after humans.

1:56:41It happens. But it's not common. And wolves, they're very skittish animals. Okay, they're skittish if they're around people and they think the people might have a gun. If you're in the woods, wolves are not skittish of you. They're thinking about what they're going to do to you and whether or not they're going to eat you. If you have a rifle and you're in the woods and they hear the boom go off, they're going to get the fuck away from you. They don't know what a rifle is. I'm just saying there's an instinctual fear of humans for whatever reason. Dude, that's not true. Most critters avoid us. Even fish if you walk off on them.

1:57:16Critters avoid all predators. All of them. Yeah, but look at the plains of Africa. You'll see a wildebeest and a zebra and a gazelle and a spring bob. Do you know what the fuck would happen to you if you walked out in the wild of Africa? You're done. Yeah. Because you have lions and leopards. Because you're prey. You're prey there. All those animals are freaking out too until one gets taken out. This is the Joseph Campbell story of the hero. One gets taken out and the other one's going, wow, he did it for us. because when the lions are eating that one antelope, they're going to leave you alone.

1:57:48You can relax for a little bit. Yeah. That's what it is. I'm just saying. They're never calm around lions. They run. That's why they run. Right. But I'm just saying wolves are probably more inclined to step around us than attack us. They are more inclined to do whatever they need to do to survive. They will. They're opportunists. And if it's attacking your sheep, then they'll attack your sheep. Right. If it's killing your dog, they'll kill your dog. If it's killing you, if you're 20 miles into the backcountry and you're camping alone and you don't have a weapon and a pack of wolves shows up and they haven't had anything to eat for a few days.

1:58:24They'll take you down. They'll take you down. But I'm just saying, I'm just trying to instill into you with all this programming talk, there's something programmed into all the other species on this planet. They go, whoa, there's a fucking human. You're wrong. And they step around us a lot. No, you're wrong. Not that they won't do or kill us, but... It's anything that's coming near them, they get away from. Right. The reason why they're scared of people is because they have experience with people. Do they? That's what it is. Yes, wolves do. Wolves in Canada that get shot at are afraid of people.

1:58:58They know that people have the gun. The guns make the boom. They're smart. A bunch of them die. They see one of them die. They learn that. They see the gun. They see the stick. They run away from the guys. So they stay away from people because people might kill their family members, their PAC members. It happens. I think we're splitting hairs on this one. No, listen, there's a difference between the way bears react in, say, Alaska, than bears react in Montana. So in Montana, you can't hunt grizzly bears. So grizzly bears are not afraid of people. Because generation after generation after generation have not been hunted.

1:59:29Right. When bears see you in Alaska, that's generation after generation that have been hunted. And they react very differently. They're like, get the fuck away from the people. Right. Unless they don't know you have a gun and sometimes you have to scare them off. But if they're used to being around people with guns, they associate people with danger. Yeah, that's kind of Pavlovian, though. Right, but when they're not, like in Montana— But in raw wild, bears are quite skittish. I've been around them. I have, too, man. It depends on the bear. It depends on whether it's a mother with her cubs. They're not skittish at all.

2:00:02They're not skittish. They'll fuck you up. They're protective. They're no longer hunting. But I'm just saying that there's an element to, sadly, our human existence that scares a lot of critters. Most animals can exist together in the same area. And, yeah, when an apex predator approaches, the zebras will run. But if you look at the hoofed animals and the hippos and everything kind of coexists. But when a human walks in, you know, we can't walk up to critters and just pet them. You can in the Galapagos. Okay. Are we? No. Are we having a fight? No, but a lion can't walk up to a gazelle and pet them either.

2:00:47I'll wrap my legs around you so fast. It's not uniquely humans, man. It's all animals are worried about something that wants to eat them. Right. Because that's a real part of their existence. Right. It's all animals. If you let your dog loose and you let it around wild animals, they fucking run like crazy, man. They run way more than they do with a person. Let me rephrase it. If a wild animal comes up on a deer, a predator-prey scenario, instinctually they know a predator goes into stalking mode, the deer's gone. But if a human, me or you, go, oh, look at the deer, and we try to walk towards it with nothing but love and affection, and we just want to pet it, and it's gone.

2:01:33And that's what I'm saying. You're not saying shit. Because a dog, the same thing would happen. You're not making any sense. Yes. Of course the deer doesn't want you to pet them. It doesn't fucking know you, man. What are you, nuts? Right, but they just flee. They don't flee like they do with dogs. Everything flees. A squirrel? I have deer in my neighborhood, and when they see me, they don't give a fuck. They don't care about your car. You're driving in a car. You could stop the car and roll the window down and go, hello, Mr. Deer, and they just fucking stare at you. All animals are like that.

2:02:01If they saw a dog, they would fucking run. They would run like crazy. Even my golden retriever, my sweet golden retriever, Marshall. Yeah. They'd run like crazy from him. They'd blow. They'd make those crazy noises. Yeah. And they'd fucking take off. They'd stamp their feet. Yeah, they're scared of predators, dude. They're not scared of people in my neighborhood because no one's eating them in my neighborhood. It's their conditioning. I don't know. I'm just talking about - You're stuck on an idea. People are bad. People are uniquely bad. I wish we could just go hug the porcupine. I'm not saying people are bad.

2:02:33I'm saying that animals have something in their brain that they don't trust us. Because we're the apex. We're the top of the food chain. But it's just sad that - It's not. It's way better than being at the bottom of the food chain. Way better than us, like, fucking wandering through the woods if your kids are going to get eaten by a fucking wolf because some grainy dipshit decided to import him back into the wild. We need to rewild all the wolves. Wait, you don't like that wolves are back in the wild? You know they just dropped him off in Aspen, these dumb motherfuckers? You don't like it? They dropped him off on a cattle ranch, and all they're doing is eating cows.

2:03:05So now they have to have cowboys 24-7 riding horses because the governor's husband thought it would be a cute idea to drop off wolves in Colorado. and they reintroduced him to an area that has agriculture. They reintroduced him to ranching areas. Wow. Five fucking wolves. They've killed who knows how many cows. The government has to reimburse them every time a cow dies. They keep killing cows. They're not allowed to kill the wolves. The wolves are around them 24 hours a day just circling. So they have cowboys on horses all throughout the night. They've got fires. They have to keep people employed.

2:03:38But outside of the cattle poaching critters, are you for reintroducing and repopulating areas of the - First of all, wolves were making their way into Colorado naturally. They're already in the San Juan Mountains. They're moving in from Wyoming, where they live naturally. And when they reintroduced them into Montana, those have spread out all over the place. There's plenty of fucking wolves, man. But aren't there plenty of fucking cows, too? You don't like wolves. I don't think you want wolves. I don't think you understand what you're saying. You're talking about a pack predator. It's very different than any other predator.

2:04:15They work together in coordination, and they're smart. And it's not like a mountain lion. It's not like a thing that acts alone. Once they figure out that the cows are in these wooden pens, and they can just hop the pen, kill a cow, and that's it, they're going to do it forever. Right. Forever. But take out the poaching wolves, but the ones that are reintroduced and assimilate in raw nature. I think those are crucial and important to that ecosystem. It is crucial to have balance. And there's some aspects of having the wolves back in Montana that's actually better for the elk population. It is.

2:04:50Because the elk population was very overpopulated at one point in time. They had seasons where they were allowing people to shoot them in the snow in the winter. So, like, there were so many of them. When they're in the snow, like deep snow, they can't run. So you basically— The wolves. No. The elk. Elk. Because before they reintroduced the wolves, they had so many elk. Yeah. These elves were running out of resources. Yeah. And they realized, like, they're so overpopulated. We're going to allow you to shoot them in ways that's not even remotely sporting. Yeah. They're stuck in snow. It's called culling.

2:05:23Yeah. You're just taking as many out of the population as you can. Yeah. And, look, for the people that live there, it's amazing. You're eating elk 12 months out of the year. You've got a freezer. It's fucking delicious. How dare you? No, I mean, if you eat it all the time. But don't forget, the wolves also preserve the whole ecosystem because the overpopulation of elks were eating so much of the flora that the sides of riverbanks were eroding. You're quoting a documentary called How Wolves Changed Rivers. Right. Yeah, widely disputed. so a lot of the stuff they're saying is not accurate in that documentary that what is accurate is that balance is important yeah but a lot of things are very overstated in that and it turned out to not be true not no a lot of the claims are not true huh because interesting there you can have a pro and the pro is it keeps the population in check and it puts a natural balance to to the area.

2:06:22That's the pro. This whole changing rivers thing, some of it's accurate, some of it's not. Yeah, but apparently that documentary was made by a guy who's into rewilding. I see. And he also wants to rewild Europe. So it's very romantic, this idea. Okay. But there is positive to having a balanced ecosystem. There is not positive when wolves get overpopulated. When wolves get overpopulated, that's what you get when you had Russia and Germany having a fucking ceasefire in World War I because they were losing so many soldiers to wolves. They all united together to kill the wolves. That's a true story.

2:07:01But do you ever live in a world where you go, the wolves are part of the natural world the same way the bison were on the Great Plains before they eradicated them? You don't have kids, right? No. Well, I had Billy. Imagine if you had kids and you were walking with your kids and you saw three wolves following you. Yeah. And you didn't have a gun. How would you feel about those wolves? When you thought, oh my God, we might get taken out by wolves. And I just thought they were these cute fuzzy things that were a part of nature. Oh, I don't think of them as that. I don't think of them as that. They're amazing.

2:07:33We need them. I worked in nature. I've been around wolves. I know them. I am on team people. You are? 100%. 100 % team people. I love all animals. I love them all. Yeah. But I love people way more. If it was between a person that I fucking hate, that it feels a real piece of shit, and I knew that they're going to get taken out by a wolf, but I had a rifle, I'd kill the fucking wolf 100 % of the time because I'm on team people. This whole idea like, the animals are scared of us. Good. Be scared, bitch. It doesn't mean you should do anything bad to those animals, but good. Good. Be scared. But Joe, isn't it - Don't try to eat my kids.

2:08:12Isn't it team people that's eradicating all the animals as we encroach deeper and deeper into the Amazon jungle, the African plains? We're losing. Look at the American bison. There used to be millions of them herding across the prairies. And now there's isolated pockets. Right. But do you know how that happened? Look at the elephant herds. Look at the silverback gorilla. Look at – there's so many things that are losing to team people that we might not have Siberian tigers in 30 years. I'm not saying you should go and kill these endangered animals. I don't say they do, but by encroaching we are – I told you that we're not always.

2:08:52That's not true. First of all, the bison thing was not because of encroaching. The bison thing was because of sport hunting where these people were like – Oh, yeah. They were doing it – not even sport hunting, market hunting. They were doing it for tongues. Do you know that's what they were getting? They were chopping out their tongues. All that delicious bison meat, they let it rot. Oh, yeah. And then they were doing it for furs, and then they were doing it for bones. Like, what this is is, like, people were fucking insane, and rifles were fairly new, and long-range rifles were fairly new in human history.

2:09:21Right. And then all of a sudden you got people on trains, and you've got these insane— Just pop shooting them. Now, here's where it gets really weird. What's Dan Flores? There's a guy named Dan Flores who wrote a book on bison, and he has a theory. It's a really good one. The reason why there were so many bison on the plains was because of all the Native Americans that got wiped out by disease. And it totally coincides with it. Because the original explorers that came to America in like the 1400s, they did not describe these enormous population of bison. We would see millions of them on a prairie.

2:09:59He thinks that that came about because literally when the Europeans visited Native Americans, 90 % of the Native Americans died because of disease. Right. 90%. Yeah. I mean, a true apocalypse. Yeah. Imagine 9 out of 10 Native Americans dead because of disease. Well, that means no one's hunting the bison. Right. So that was a primary food source for a lot of the Native Americans. And it wouldn't take many generations for them. If that was the thing that was keeping them in population, if they have a balanced ecosystem, and the population was literally being controlled by these effective North American hunters, and all of a sudden they're gone, the population just booms.

2:10:44And that's what he was saying. And then along comes the people with the rifles. And then the rebuild of the rifles, they're finding these sitting ducks just sitting out there. and they say there's so many of them we could just shoot as many as we want we never have to worry about it and they're shooting them for tongues yeah tongues have you ever heard of buffalo head smashed in buffalo head smashed yeah what's that it's a town in alberta that's the real name of the town the real name of the town where on the plains there there was an optical illusion where it looked like the hills just kept going.

2:11:22But there was a cliff, and the Indians would chase the bison along the plains, and they didn't know it. And at the end, they'd all run over the thing, and the Indians would be waiting at the bottom and kill the bison. But they named the place Buffalo Head Smashed in. Oh, wow. Look at this. Isn't that wild? Wow. So the bison thought they were running on a flat plain, and they couldn't see the change in the perspective, so they'd run right over the edge. They did that a bunch of places in North America. There's one of them where they killed so many bison that the rotting of them caused them to burst into flames.

2:12:06You know about that one? Yeah, that's like with whales when they blow up. They explode. The whole side of the hill is like black with coal. Oh, yeah. Because they popped. Imagine that. Imagine the fucking smell of something where it gets so bad they burst into flames Bro, what the fuck? Instant bar, Texas barbecue So they the Native Americans when they were really good at hunting doing stuff like that I mean they're feasting they're eating the best meat and they're keeping the population in check now when they all died of disease That population stopped being in check and this is Dan Flores. I think it's called see if you can find the name of it, Jamie I think it's called bison diplomacy, bison ecology.

2:12:47I think that's what it's called. Nature also provides disease when there is no humans around. Okay? Like long before the Indians started hunting buffalo, there were buffalo. Yeah, bison ecology and bison diplomacy. It's a very interesting paper. He was a professor of history at Texas Tech. Very, very good book. And he's got another great book on coyotes. Coyote America is fantastic. Coyotes. Are you a fan of Team Human if Team Human keeps pushing animals out of business? Like at what point do we tip the scales? We're at what, 7 billion now, humans? I think it's more. So at what point are you still a fan of Team Human when more and more of Team Animal is being eradicated?

2:13:37And I'm not trying to say we should hate humans. What animals are being eradicated right now? Well, I just explained how the herds of elephants have shrunk down to this. Tigers are down to a few thousand. And a lot of that is - Silverback gorillas are down to like a few hundred. Okay. A lot of that is not encroaching. It's illegal poaching. It's that, but it's also encroaching. We're using up their land. Some of it, but also - A lot of it. It's like, what do you want those people to do? Like people in India, like where they have elephants just invade their farms and eat all their food. But that's what I'm saying.

2:14:10How long are you a proponent of team human? People have been in those villages for hundreds and hundreds of years. But animals have been for millions. I'm on team people. If it's your family that needs that farm to stay alive and all of a sudden a fucking pack of elephants comes in and eats all the food that you've been working for a year to plant and grow, what do you think? We should just feed the elephants and go to the grocery store? I'd rather see the animals succeed than us, if I'm being honest. I love people. That is a ridiculous thing to say That's a ridiculous thing to say It doesn't mean the animals are going to go extinct Don't you think we're a parasite On the back of Eden Don't you think humans are a parasite On the back of this beautiful Paradise No animal dumps nuclear waste Or chemicals into rivers No animal tears down forests Except for beavers So what makes team humans so great I think you need to change your attitude We definitely shouldn't do those things, but I am a human, and I like humans.

2:15:14I love them. I love you. And the only way that you're going to have humans is if you stay on Team Human and not say, I'd rather have the animals here. They're just going to eat you. They're going to eat you, and there'll be no more houses. There's no more toilets. But if you could press a button and get rid of humans with a press of a button, and that everything else could just live here harmoniously, would you do it? What are you, live in a fucking Disney movie? I'm just asking. No. No. No. No chance. I live in a simulation of a Disney movie. You live in some bullshit Canadian reality show. He's taking another drink of coffee.

2:15:45Son of a bitch. You soft fly over this table with my rotten legs. You're fucking Team Canada. I know what you're doing. I'm just asking you. You're trying to ruin America by bringing in wolves. That's what you're doing. No. He's like a plant. He's a plant. I'm asking you. You're trying to ruin America by bringing in lions and wolves. Do you think humans are a parasite on the planet? I think we are a very complicated and intelligent life force that values itself above all else to the detriment of the ecology of the earth itself. However, we could do better. We don't all do that. Every company is not dumping things into rivers.

2:16:19If you had a cancer on your body, would you get rid of the cancer? We're not a cancer, dude. We're a part of the earth. We are the predominant intelligent life force on this earth. Who predominantly destroys the earth? Us. cancer we're not destroying it though we just do a bad job of keeping it clean that's a fancy way of saying destroying well most animals shit all over the ground hit the button come on you want to do it together you should have kids I love kids I love humans I just wish we could do better how old are you now take a guess you saw my legs take a guess 35? No, I'll tell you. Well, I've known you for 30 years.

2:17:04Yeah. So you're at least that. How old? You got to be 50-something. How old are you? I'll be 64 this year. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But I love humans, but I also... If you had a kid now, it might be a problem. You might have bad jizz. Really? Yeah. You might have old jizz. Have you seen my legs? I've seen the legs look good. What do you mean bad jizz? You don't... Old jizz. Al Pacino just had a kid and he's 400. Give that kid an IQ test. Really? Is he a dementoid? I don't know. He's a baby. Maybe her strong genes because she's only 12. The girl he has. No. How old is she? No. She's 30. Whatever she is.

2:17:4730 years old. How old are you now? I had a kid with him. 58. Oh, wow. Yeah. We look pretty good with your chest and my legs. We're doing all right. Right? Right. Did you ever want to have kids at one point? Yeah. You know, I thought that at one point I would. I thought that at one point I might, but it just didn't work out that I was married at one point. It's hard when you're doing the road a lot. It's hard. It is if you make it hard, but I never did the road a lot. I always mixed it so that I enjoyed my life and traveled and did stuff. That's smart. Yeah. That's smart. But it just didn't work out.

2:18:27And who knows? The road ain't closed yet, so who knows? Get your jizz checked. Make sure it's good. Yeah. Oh, it's fine. Throw it into a spectrometer. Oh, my God. I just told you I was on OnlyFans for two hours. Analyze the jizz. Make sure it's good stuff. Wait, can sperm actually go bad? Well, when it comes to autism and maybe even Down syndrome, there's some there's some people that believe that the older the parents are and they used to think that was just the older the woman was yeah might contribute to those things another thing it is also likely the father they're also realizing like a lot of um there were there was this thing that i was reading about miscarriages from parents where the father drinks i was like wow that's interesting because i never really thought that the father being a drunk would affect the sperm but of course it would yeah of course it would yeah and weed too they used to say weed affected the sperm but i don't know if that's well they say it slows it down or something like that i don't know speed it up i don't know oh zempik you give birth to a zombie you give birth to a fucking jazzed up adderall kid dad i want to fucking clean this house wait do you have any boys or is it all girls all girls oh wow do you wish you had a boy i just want them to be healthy yeah i think wishing that you had a boy or a girl.

2:19:48It's like the universe will give you what it gives you. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. You don't want to wish you had a boy when you had a girl. Just appreciate the fact that you have a daughter. No, I don't mean eliminate the girls. God bless the three girls. But if you had one more, would it be cool to have a boy? I'm very happy. Oh, good. Okay. I don't think about it that way. You're a good dad. Thank you. That's something I picked up on you today. I think everybody should try. Yeah. If you're a dad, you got one shot at this. One of the things that's really nice for me is that I don't have to travel as much because I have a club here.

2:20:21You know, when they were young, I had to travel a lot when they were really young because it's like I wasn't making as much money. It was like a little bit more difficult. And having the club where I don't have to do stand up somewhere else, I don't have to go on the road all the time. So I'm only going on the road occasionally for like the UFC. Yeah, and you don't need to either. No, just having fun. You're done good, guy. You too, buddy. It's nice to see Kill Turney make a completely different career arc for all these people. Yeah. And you're one of them. It's fucking taking you to the stratosphere.

2:20:55It's wild to watch. It's shone a new light on my career. Yeah, it's sort of revitalized it a bit. You, Rob Schneider, Carrot Top. I mean, the list goes on and on. Kyle Dunnigan. There's so many people that it just fucking launched them. It's so cool. When Tony asked me to do it two years ago, I'll be honest, I didn't even know what it was. That's hilarious. I didn't know who Tony was. I'd never met him. I knew nothing about it. I was doing your club, and they said, hey, we're shooting tomorrow. Do you want to stay an extra day? And I said, for what? They go, kill Tony. I said, what is it? And I went on.

2:21:36I had no clue. I had no idea what it was. Are you not online at all? No, I didn't know anything about that stuff. how do you stay offline well i go online now because i started a podcast i'm trying to emulate you but you've been an inspiration thank you by the way but i didn't know about all that stuff and so they asked me to go on and i did my first set with tony and i think you watched it it was the one where i had the checkbook and then tony when we when they finished the show he goes oh you're going to be guest of the year i go what are you talking about and then i was guest of the year and then it just sort of all this stuff and now i'm about to shoot a movie with tony as my star i'm gonna direct a movie with was it madison square garden where you were pulling the things out of your pants yeah the limes i said i had lime disease and i pulled the limes out yeah what if you pull a trophy out of your pants yeah an oscar that's when i won guest of the year i love to pull stuff out of my pants apparently what is the movie you and tony are doing So my next movie that I'm writing and directing is called Rednecks.

2:22:41And we're going to shoot in September, October with Tony as the star. And I don't know if you'd do any acting anymore, but I want to offer you a part. I don't know if you're interested. Yeah, you don't like it, huh? I don't really act anymore. No. You've got no interest anymore? Maybe if I could kill it for a day. Just run in and do it in a day. Really? Yeah. Something easy. Be fun to have you. Where are you going to film it? We're going to shoot in Florida and Kentucky. Jesus. What if I got you for three days? Would you do it? What do I have to do? We'll talk. Let's talk afterwards. Okay. I really don't like acting.

2:23:15I know. I don't have any time either. That's also part of the problem. My time is rationed. I get it. Very carefully. Yeah. Do you still have the passion to act at all or no? Yeah. I never really had it in the beginning. Yeah. I only did it for money. Yeah. Like I loved standup and I loved, you know, going to clubs and doing, and then I got a development deal. It was that simple. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I'm on TV. I'm like, all right. But it was good that I never had a dream for it because then I didn't have a lot of anxiety about it. Yeah. You know, it was more like it was fun to do. Yeah, me too.

2:23:48Because I was always like, I'm just going to go do standup. Yeah, it was the same way. Yeah, it's better that way. Because the people that like where it's there, oh my God, it's happening. It's like so overwhelming for them. I see people have anxiety when they're about to do their scenes. And I was like, Jesus, man. Chill out. Well, we're so used to performing in front of audiences that for some people, the moment, like for young actors, the moment when it's like action and you walk in and then you see that crowd, it's overwhelming for some people. Yeah, it is. It's very hard for them to find that comfort level that allows them to perform at the level that they know they can.

2:24:26They might be really good actors, but the feeling is so overwhelming they can't find the rhythm. You know what the opposite of that was for me? And I don't know if you had this experience. We were used to performing in front of live audiences doing stand-up where they're like reacting immediately. We do a joke. They laugh. but now when you're doing a movie or tv suddenly you're in front of an audience who are cameramen and directors and make and they just stand there they don't laugh right and that became like the opposite of what we do so when i first started doing tv and movies i'd get anxiety because it's like well they're not laughing they're not reacting they're just standing there it was all these technical people and that freaked me out a little bit but i had to overcome that yeah that is weird If you think it's really funny and then you're saying it and no one's laughing.

2:25:19Yeah, they're all just standing because they're just making a movie. Right, because it's not like the cameras are there by themselves. There's people behind the cameras and you're doing it for people. A whole crew, like 50 people would be standing there while you're doing a scene. With a cigarette in their hand, drinking coffee, shaking their head. Checking notes. Did that throw you when you first started? Well, news radio luckily was in front of an audience. Yeah, that's true. But they were between the audience and you was all those people and cameras. Yeah, but the people laughed at all the jokes.

2:25:52Okay, good. If they were good, if they were good jokes. So that was to me was like a different way of delivering jokes. It was still, it was fun. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed sitcom, but the only way to do it right is to have really good writers. And that's hard to find, man. Like, news radio had that and really good performers. But if you're on a bad one, you're in hell. You're in hell and you're just collecting checks. Yeah. Good checks, though. Good checks. That's the problem. Yeah. That's the problem. The Velvet Prison. Yeah. Those are the guys that wind up doing drugs. The guys that are on a show that they hate.

2:26:27Yeah. Yeah, you go straight two and a half men. Fucking Charlie Sheen in it. Oh, yeah. It's part of it. Part of it is just like you're in that lifestyle anyway. Yeah, you're wired. But part of it is also like, I don't want to do this. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I experienced that. I don't want to do a sitcom. I'm bored. I'm bored with these lame punchlines. And next thing you know, you're smoking crack and running from the cops. You know what I realized, too, is with these sitcoms, it's they all keep borrowing the same premise. Like I did three different sitcoms and it's like, oh, now we're doing the episode where the lead guy is somehow dating an S &M queen.

2:27:09And now we're doing the episode where Jim gets his car stolen. Like you start to realize like there's about 40 different episodes, but they all just insert them and sort of change them a little. And it's really very weird. It's like a recipe. So many premises. Yeah, right. Yeah, well, that's just the uncreative ones. I mean, that's why Curb Your Enthusiasm was so amazing. They didn't repeat any premises. That show was fucking incredibly creative and bizarre. And no audience. That's right. Another one, no audience. Yeah. But the ones that were fresh were the ones that didn't. It was more like the traditional sitcoms that just plugged in the premises.

2:27:50It was like, oh, my God, I've already done this. But there's something to that form where when it's done really well, it is very enjoyable it's very comforting like i i always thought like i saw clips of the big bang i never watched the big bang yeah until i started watching with my kids and i'm like this is a fucking very funny show it's like a really good show with like very defined characters really well made and i had this uh prejudice of it i think because i had seen some clips where they were doing like retakes and there's no audience so they're saying the jokes with no laughs behind them.

2:28:24It just seems kind of lame. But everything seems lame like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Retakes of news radio seemed lame too while we were doing them. Yeah. But when I watched the show, I was like, there's something comforting about this kind of a show, and I wish they still did them. They don't do them anymore. Yeah, they're dead. They're dying. They're gone. Miss Pat is the only one that I know of that has an actual sitcom right now. Like a three cam? Mm-hmm. She's got a live audience sitcom. Wow, yeah. I don't think anybody else does, or if they do, I don't know about it. They used to be fucking common as shit, man.

2:28:55Yeah, that was the goal. That was the dream to go get a sitcom. But isn't it weird that we still enjoy them, but yet no one makes them anymore? Yeah. I think they've been knocked out of contention because they're so set up, whereas we live in this world now where people just scroll real life. But why? Because dramas are still on TV. There's still a million NCSI, whatever the fuck those shows are. You know what I mean? There's a million of those shows. As the Hulk once said. Law and Order, Special Victims Unit. There's a million of those shows. So those kinds of same premise shows of cops and lawyers and all that shit, those still exist.

2:29:36The medical examiner shows, the forensic examiner show, those shows exist. So how come all these, you know, there's a resurgence of rancher shows. Now everyone's a rancher. 15 rancher shows now. So those shows exist, but no sitcoms. As the Incredible Hulk once said, me not know why. I think it's a giant mistake. Because I think you could make a sitcom right now, whether Paramount Plus does it or one of those organizations that streams, you could make a great fucking multi-cam sitcom right now. Yeah. I don't even turn on the TV anymore, though. I think people are being weaned right off of television.

2:30:16We're in a transitional phase. You don't watch Netflix? Dude, I rarely ever... When I used to go on the road, I would check into a hotel and turn on the TV right away. I don't think I've turned on a hotel TV in about six years. Rarely. I don't even turn it on. When I go home, I watch my TV maybe once a month, if that. I don't even look at it anymore. So do you look at your phone? I look at my phone. That's it. That's it. It's bizarre. I'm even weirded out by it. It's like, what am I doing? You never sit down and watch a movie? Rarely. It's very rare. You should do that. You should watch a movie.

2:30:55I know. They're very entertaining. People should watch my new movie. Can I say something about it? You don't watch movies and you make them? Yeah. You know how fucking crazy that is? Yeah. What's wrong with you? I'm crazy. I'm crazy, all right. What is your new movie? Do you mind me talking about it? Please do. Are you sure? 100%. I wrote, directed, and starred in a new movie that just came out a few days ago called Wingman. And it's on streamers, Apple TV. There it is. And it's on Prime, Prime Video. And I play a crazy wingman that helps people get laid. Nice. Yeah. And it's with Jamie Kennedy, Russell Peters, Kayla Wallace, Evan Marsh.

2:31:41Oh, nice. Shiva Nagar Did you make this yourself? Well we made it with a studio Stardust Pictures up in Canada With David Lipper and Justin Levine And it's a full on Full on movie we shot Up in Canada Yeah really proud of it And I hope people check it out I hope you check it out I'll check it out if you promise to watch movies every now and then yourself I'll do it if you promise To be in my next movie And we'll watch it together it's an offer we can talk I'd love to see you get back in to do a little acting I like that there are comedy movies again I really do that's nice the one I'm going to do with Tony is full on that's why I'm sort of asking you because I want to see you get your comedy face in there again what is it about it's about a redneck culture and this is the part where you really love it because I know you love vehicles it centers around something called a mud bog where guys in Florida jack up their pickup trucks and drive through mud for three days.

2:32:45It's not monster trucks. They just drive through mud and jump and spray. And then the other part of the movie takes place in those airboats that drive through all the marshes in Florida. And you would be the mayor of this town and get into it with Tony, who becomes one of these mug bod guys, so you'd be around all this shit. Good Lord, Florida is a different part of the world. Isn't it wild? Look at these fucking cars. That's crazy. You got an old Camaro. Yeah, this is what they do. Jacked up on giant moon. Tell me you wouldn't like to be around that, Joe. Scroll back up, please. It's so fun. Digging into the world of mud bogging in north central Florida.

2:33:25Yeah. So Tony's going to be the lead guy who tries to win the whole mud bog thing. But meanwhile, the mayor, which would be you, wants him out of town because he's such a redneck. He doesn't like the culture. Oh, Jesus. Look at that. Florida is so different. It is such a different place. Yeah. God. So we're going to have fun doing that. But yeah, thank you for letting me mention Wingman. No, that's awesome, dude. It's when you do an indie project, it helps to be able to talk about it. So thank you. If you got an offer after this show to do a sitcom, would you consider doing it? And if someone said, listen, I think we could bring back the multicam sitcom, but we want you to star in it, Harlan.

2:34:11I would if it was – if it's all about the material. Yeah. Because me and you, we're older. I think as we get older, it becomes about how do we want to dedicate our time. I'm not interested in just doing, oh, I got a sitcom. It's got to have meaning to me. Of course. It's got to be something where I think – Yeah, but if you could help create it. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying. A hundred percent. All those guys that used to work on all those shows, like Seinfeld and Friends, they have to still be out there in the world. Oh, yeah. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. Can you imagine back in the 90s when everybody wanted a sitcom, when we were first coming up?

2:34:47If you said, you know, one day there'll be no more sitcoms, you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You would have never believed that. No. If you went into these rooms where they're making Sex and the City and The Single Guy and all these rooms, and say, guys, enjoy it while you can. Yeah. Because in a couple of decades, there's going to be zero sitcoms on television. They would have just laughed. Yeah. They would have kicked you out of that office. Get the fuck out of here. You don't know what you're talking about. Meanwhile, that's true. Well, this is why I love, I hate, I'm just going to go back to quickly AI because it shows we're evolving.

2:35:19You know, remember, Joe, at one point movies were black and white. They didn't have sound. Really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then talkies came and color and digital. So I love it that every form of our entertainment is evolving and becoming. There's stuff going to come that we don't even know, which I love. Me too. Yeah. But I think sitcoms didn't have to go away. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, maybe not, but maybe so. Your daughters probably don't want to sit down for half an hour. They love sitcoms. They do? They watch old ones. Okay, well, I was wrong. I was really wrong. Well, me and my youngest, we sat through the entire season.

2:36:00I mean, the entire all seasons of Big Bang Theory. That was me and my family. We watched that one. Yeah. My wife and my... And then we watched Young Sheldon, which was the next version of it. Young Sheldon was really good. It was a single cam show. It was on Netflix. And it was Sheldon as a young kid. It was the genius kid as a young boy. Very funny show. But totally different. like really cute sweet show but not uh in front of a live audience and i think there's something i loved doing news radio i really did yeah and but it was just because it was insanely talented cast and we were all like brothers and sisters we were we had so much fun family for five years we worked together we got drunk all the time and we it was so silly yeah it was such a fun set it's like summer camp yeah it was really fun it was really and the show i think was really good yeah it did well and also here's the best part it was never really successful which was great because none of us got really rich or famous from that show it was really it was it was always like not doing so well in the ratings we got moved nine times in five years and this was back before the internet so you couldn't like send out a tweet hey we're on sunday nights now you know and it was back also when nobody had this is i just saw this trailer the other day this is a spinoff from big bang theory but it's not a it's like you know in front of an audience sitcom and it's not multi-cam either i suppose but it was popping up oh no shit yeah it's called bruh stewart fails to save the universe but it's a new show you know okay comedy it is a 30 minute so it's in that universe yeah yeah even like the logo is like that's the same kind of wow it's on hbo yeah nice Wild.

2:37:49Yeah. Huh. Who's created more bangers than that Chuck Lorre guy? Oh, my God, yeah. That guy's created so many big sitcoms. He did. He was big bang. What's that? An article he wrote, or I just read interviewing him, said that those shows kind of died because The Office and Curb kind of killed it for a while. Interesting. The single camera stuff, yeah. No audience. Yeah. I was also thinking I wouldn't want to go sit and watch a taping of a show right now. How much would they have to pay an audience to do that? Right. Well, you only have to pay the audience until the show becomes successful. True.

2:38:22Yeah, I guess people would want to go. Yeah. You don't really want a paid audience because they're not as much fun. Like news radio in the beginning, nobody knew who the fuck we were. But by season three, the audience was news radio fans. Yeah. And it became a totally different thing. It was really fun. And Phil Hartman used to do stand-up. Oh, nice. He had talked about doing stand-up in the clubs, but he was really good at impressions. He would do Bill Clinton impressions. He had bits. He had little things he would run, and he would just do it for fun. And, you know, we talked about him actually doing it in clubs, and he thought about doing it.

2:38:52But it was the whole thing was silly. Like Andy Dick would address the audience. People would answer questions. We had a good warm-up guy. It was like a party that was going on. Everybody had a great time. And that was after the show, you know, caught its gear. But it never was popular until it became syndicated. Then it was the syndication. Then it became really popular. At least yours was sort of popular. Every week they'd put out the top 100, and my sitcom was always number 99 or 100. So at least yours was probably up in the top 30. No. One day, Lou Morton was one of our writers, and Lou every week would show up with a T-shirt with a number on it that he would draw with magic marker of what we were.

2:39:38And one day he showed up and it said 88. I go, 88? He goes, yep. I go, no. He goes, yeah. I go, fuck. Dude, I was 100 every week. Well, what network were you on? The WB. We were on NBC. Yeah, okay. So WB didn't have affiliates all across the country. We only had like 60%. 88 at NBC is you're barely alive. But still, 100 hurts. 100. Well, they always tell us, don't worry. We're not worried about the numbers. We know you've got to find your audience again. Now you're on Monday night. You used to be on Sunday. Oh, man. And one time we were on Thursday night, we were in the Friends sandwich. So it was Friends and Seinfeld, which Paul Sims, the executive producer of NewsRadio, famous called the shit sandwich.

2:40:23Because in between Friends and Seinfeld, you would have like Caroline and the City and these shows that weren't as good. Do you want to hear about Salt in the Wound? Yeah. So mine was show was number 100. Okay. It was called Simon. It was me. I was the star. I played Simon. Jason Bateman played my brother. Look at that. And the lead girl, Andrea Benderwald, we ended up dating. She became my girlfriend. Her best friend was Jennifer Aniston. She lived with Jennifer. So I would go and stay at Jennifer's house every night with my girlfriend. We were like three's company. And I'd have to sit there and watch Friends with Jennifer, the number one show.

2:41:11Well, me and Andrea were at the bottom at number 100. It was like, oh. I mean, Love Jennifer was so happy, but talk about salt in the wound. It was like, oh, damn. Isn't it crazy, though? You're on TV. You're living the dream. This is one of the things. Oh, it was great. It was great. The earliest social media was the Variety magazine and the Hollywood Reporter. Yeah. That was like the same thing where these people would compare themselves to everybody else. Yeah. They would look at the rankings. And I would show up on the set. And, you know, like, all these people loved to read those things. And they were reading those things.

2:41:48And I started calling them the devil's rag. I go, why are you reading the devil's rag? I go, because we were complaining. Like, I can't believe we're number 36. If we were on, you know, Thursday night, we would be number two or number one or whatever. And I go, last time I checked, I'm on TV. I go, we're on TV. We're on TV on NBC. There's not a lot of people that get to be on TV. Like, this is great. We're living the dream. So we're not number one. You guys are reading that, and you're forgetting how many people that you're friends with that are going on auditions right now that would kill to be on NBC.

2:42:17But it's the devil's rag. It's the same thing that happens with, you know, you say, oh, I just got a new car. I'm pretty happy. And then, oh, Jeff Bezos got a yacht. Fuck. I'll be honest. I was like you. I was like, I'm on TV. But I got to tell you, as we got deeper into the season, and I had to sit there beside Jennifer Aniston. and watch her number one show every week and old 100 is sitting beside her. I got to say, it started to seep in where you're just like, fuck, I'm on TV. It's sort of like there were days when it was just, you could feel it. Not blaming her, but just the business. It was hard to sit at one end and see the other.

2:43:00But that's the way it works. It's the way it is, but you got to really just be happy that you're on TV. Oh, it's great. You're winning the lottery. Yeah, you won the lottery. You just didn't win the mega Powerball. Yeah, and I loved it. I got to work with Jason, and I was the star of my—I came from the suburbs of Toronto. Never thought I'd do anything. Here I am. I'm the star of my own sitcom, Simon. I'm like, this is unbelievable. Yeah. I share your attitude. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot of them that don't work, man. Yeah. I was on the set, and we were there. like so you'd go to Sunset Gower and there'd be a bunch of other places that were next to you.

2:43:39And I'd go visit with all those guys. Because like a lot of them were my friends. Lenny Clark. Lenny Clark was right down the street. He was on the John Larroquette show. Do you remember that? Yeah, I got a little story about that when you're done. Please, go ahead. Tell me. Are you sure? You don't want to finish? Did John Larroquette yell at you? So before I got my own sitcom, so I was in Hollywood. I did two auditions. I did one for Ellen DeGeneres' first show. It was called These Friends of Mine, and I was a guest star on the show with Molly Shannon. And then my second audition was for the John Larroquette Show, and I went in and auditioned, and the feedback to my agents was John said, this guy wants his own sitcom.

2:44:22And I said to my agents, I said, you're damn right I do, and the next gig I got was my own sitcom. Oh, that's hilarious. So I was like, Chick-Chan is pretty cool. So you think he didn't like you because you wanted your own sitcom or he thought you were too good for his show because you want your own sitcom? I think he must have sensed I walked in there with attitude or cockiness, which I didn't. I just did the audition, but he must have been reading my vibe somehow. Well, that's you. Yeah. That's how you walk. People that don't, you know, you, this, Harlan, you've always been like this. I have.

2:44:52From the moment I met you. Yeah. You've always been like this very happy, very confident guy. You never looked rattled to do a show. No. You always looked like you were having a good fucking time. Oh, yeah. All of us, like, there was moments where everyone had a big show, and you're like, fuck, real nervous. You were never like that. No. You were always, like, happy-go-lucky. Yeah. I don't know one person that doesn't like you. Oh, wow. Do you know how crazy that is? No, I'm not even married. But do you know how crazy that is? Like, I know every comic that I know has a comic that they don't get along with, that they hate.

2:45:26Yeah. Someone hates them or they hate them or there's some fucking fuck that guy. That guy's a piece of shit. His comedy sucks. No one says that about you. Do you know how amazing that is? That's a blessing. We were talking about that in the green room one day. We were talking about in the green room because it was after you came on with Dimitri. I told everybody I was howling. He waited the whole show before he pulled his fucking snake out of his pants. By the way, that snake sat right in front of Donald Trump when he was here. I loved it. I told you that. I know you did. so that conversation that we had in the green room was like who the fuck do you know that doesn't like Harlan and we all sat around and talked about it there's no one you are like the most universally loved comedian that I know I have to defend Tony to everybody yeah Tony yeah he's a great guy he's a great guy in that world you have to understand the roast world that is not the real world kids that is you're going for blood you know like if you're in a cage fight and you elbow someone in the face it's not because you're a bad person you have to that is that's your job that's the game we're playing if you don't do it you're you're you're letting yourself down you've got to go in and fight yeah that's the game we're playing these are the rules that we're under yeah we're all talking shit yeah you know yeah it's uh and so when you see people complain about it yeah say i understand the general public that's not aware what roasts are because the reality of roasts are especially for like if you're a 22 year old kid the last time there were roasts on television before the tom brady bros was literally 10 years ago yeah like do you remember the charlie sheen roast the donald trump roast the comedy central roast they used to have them all the time all the time they were a long time ago yeah it's a long time in the zeitgeist yeah so those things don't exist to kids to kids comedy is joking about stuff comedy is chris rock comedy is kevin hart yeah comedy is louis ck that's what they think of comedy is they don't under they don't even understand the jokes like that this is roast jokes are fucking mean they've always been fucking mean they can be cruel too personal ruthless go back and watch all those old comedy central roles they were fucking brutal yeah they were brutal patrice would just eviscerate the entire fucking stadium those things the thing is like if you're a person and you're not accustomed to roast and you don't get why those jokes are so mean i get it but comedians comedians that are getting upset about these roast jokes fuck all the way off just fuck all the way all the way you fucking traitor all the way you know what this is you know exactly what this you're a fucking traitor you're just using this moment to try to boost yourself up to try to like knock down what's happening in these you could disagree with the content you could say i think they went too far with this i don't think but the this this This fucking pretending that these people are actual racists and Nazis just because they're telling these jokes that are in a roast.

2:48:23Yeah. Fuck all the way off. Yeah. Don't suit up. Go out and play hockey if you don't want to play hockey. Yeah. Like sit on the bench. Yeah. And don't badmouth the people playing hockey. Yeah. It is what it is. And that's the game. That's the game we're playing. We're playing this ruthless. And by the way, you know who didn't have a problem with it? Kevin fucking Hart. Yeah. Kevin fucking Hart has defended every single person that said horrible shit about him, about him being lynched from a bonsai tree and all the craziest shit that they said. Well, you know who else didn't have a problem with it is the people, the corporations that put it on corporate television on corporate airwaves.

2:48:59So there's a whole subsection of the foundation of where these the platform that they're given. They didn't care about it either. They won't do it. Well, they knew from the Tom Brady roast how powerful those things are. The Tom Brady roast was the number one watch thing in Netflix history. Wow. There's more than 55 million people watch that thing. I got to say, I'm not the hugest fan because I don't love cruel humor as much, but I do love it that that Tom Brady roast, I feel like it kicked wokeness over the cliff like those buffalo. We were getting so woke and we needed that roast to sort of course correct.

2:49:38There's two things that killed woke. number one kid rock gunned down a whole fucking stack of bud light cans that was it that was so good that might have been it oh it was gorgeous that might have been it because then they got to see the real financial consequences of being fucking completely insane yeah that people were fed up they're like enough yeah and kid rock saying fuck you anheuser-busch like yeah that is that's a big hit to the stock price and then people realize oh this is a micro set of people that are very loud but it's not the macro it's not it's not it's not the general population smaller than micro yeah it's it's like micro micro not only that but the people that were in it a lot of them abandoned ship yeah a lot of them abandoned ship virtue signaling is done they just realized they got caught up in a thing that was like the way people were behaving and so they imitated what was going on in their social groups.

2:50:35It's a normal thing that people do, but it just, it wasn't rational. And that's why it got shot down by Kid Rock. By the way, what kind of gun did he use? I don't know guns. I bet you know what he used. I think he used an AR. What's that? If we go back and look at it, it's an assault rifle. Is it like automatic? Semi-automatic. I mean, maybe he used it automatic. He's in Tennessee. They have some solid gun laws. And he just blasted away? You can kind of have whatever you want. How many in a clip for an AR, do you know? It's called a magazine. See, I don't know. I don't know. Canadian. I don't know anything about guns.

2:51:05They vary. A magazine. They took all your guns up there in Canada. Well, we never had them. What is he shooting there? Wow, look at that. Yeah. Let's see the video of him doing it, and I can kind of tell you better. That's wild. Kid Rock shoots back at Bud Light. How many views does this have? How many views does this video have? Some news reporting of it. He didn't post it on YouTube. Look at this. Oh, man. Okay. That's an AR, I think. That's the magazine. But it might be fully automatic. That's not a clip? Let me hear it, please. Yeah, I think that's fully automatic. Yeah, that's fully automatic, 100%.

2:51:48Wow. So he has some kind of machine gun. I want to shoot up a six-pack of Dr. Pepper just for fun. I love Dr. Pepper, but now I want to shoot some pop. Why don't you just go shoot something you don't like? Because it's kind of symbolic of something you're trying to kill. Wolves? Yeah. I love wolves. You want to shoot a wolf. We're not going back to the wolves. Depends on where they are. Forget it. Listen, if wolves are in the mountains and they're just being wolves and they're eating elk and deer, and I'm all for wolves. I'm not an anti-wolf person, but I think you shouldn't bring them into residential neighborhoods and drop them off in ranches.

2:52:27I think that's fucking ridiculous. I'm bringing you back. But I think that wolves in the wild are important. I'm not an anti-wolf person. I just don't like people doing what I call ballot box biology, where you get people to decide by voting that are never going to experience these wolves. Do you think we should reintroduce wolves to Colorado and all these people that just got back from Whole Foods? Like, yeah, that would be amazing. I heard it was going to help the sprouts grow. And they vote yes. And then these poor lambs are getting eaten alive. Have you shot a wolf? No. I don't want to hunt wolves.

2:53:00I mean, I would shoot a wolf if I thought the wolf was endangering my family or trying to kill my dog or something like that. But I love wolves. I don't not like wolves. I think they're awesome. I think they're awesome. Have you ever heard a wolf howl in the wild? No. It's very haunting. It's very ghostly. Even more, I know you've heard coyotes. But a wolf has this long howl. It's almost, I can see why Native Americans are so spiritually connected to it. It's very ghostly and it's spiritual almost. It's a very beautiful sound. No, they're amazing animals. That's pretty good. Sort of like that.

2:53:53Do you know if you do that? I had a friend who had wolves. Sorry, it slipped. I had a friend who had wolves, and if you do that in his house, they start howling. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they go nuts. Yeah, I would go over his house and...

2:54:08Father? Wild. What a wild animal. They're amazing. What a crazy noise. Look, they're incredible. They're incredible. That's so awesome. I saw one in the wild. And by the way, they're important to keep populations. I just don't think you should reintroduce him to fucking Aspen, you assholes. It's just stupid. I don't know. It might be fun to see a pack of timbers taking down a skier. Like Charlie Sheen coming down the hill with Denise Richards and 12 timberwolves take them down. There was a movie about that. Rip out their... There was a movie about that called Frozen. Not like the, let it go, let it go.

2:54:47Oh yeah, it was with Liam Neeson. No, that was The Grey. The Frozen movie is a horror movie. Someone knows they're wolf movies. I know all the wolf movies. It's a horror movie about these kids that are skiing, and they get stuck on a ski lift because they forget they're up there, and there's wolves down there. Okay. And they get killed. So the guy falls, and his legs break, and then the wolves come and get him. See, you're going to get mad at me, but a movie like this one would scare me because I just know wolves to be skittish like this. You're out of your mind. Yeah. You don't know what you're talking about.

2:55:20Like lions, leopards, jaguars, forget it. They'll take you down. But my experience with wolves is they're more skittish around humans. But I don't want to get into it again. We can go to Arby's later and have a fight. If you have a broken leg like that guy did in this movie, you're bleeding and they can smell it, they're tearing them apart right now. Watch it. They're eating them. They're eating them. They're killing the man. Is that Denise Richards? No. No. It looks like Drew Barrymore. Spoiler alert, they live. Oh, darn. Also, spoiler alert, no wolves in New Hampshire. It's all bullshit. Yeah.

2:55:53There probably was at one point. Yeah. They killed them all because they were killing people and livestock. Yeah. Yeah. Idiots. You know how they killed them, too? Most of them, they poisoned. What they would do is they would inject strychnine into horses and leave the horse carcass and the wolves would eat it and then they would all die. Wow. They did a lot of trapping, too, those cruel, the snap traps. Yep. They did that, too. I knew some old trap guys up when I worked up north, and these guys, you might not want to hear this, but the way they'd take them out is they'd trap them in the leg traps, and then they didn't want to damage the pelt.

2:56:30So then they walk up to them while they're trapped, and they just clunk them. They club them to death. I like how they club seals like that. Yeah. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah, I don't like that. The clubbing seals, man, was rough. That was rough. You ever see those videos and the seals at least a wolf would run away these seals They're just laying out sunbathing and they walk up and just bam smack and pop their skulls I know you're doing that for their fur and the babies they'd smack the babies cuz it that beautiful white fur Oh my gosh These things are like a chromosome away from being a sex toy. They're so cute

2:57:12Oh. Wolves are good. Yeah. You just don't want them in your neighborhood. I do. They should be in the woods. I love them. I wouldn't mind if they were around. You say that. Do you have a dog? I've had him. What if you came out and your dog was getting eaten alive by wolves? Because they eat dogs. I lost one of my dogs to coyotes. I remember the day you told me your pit bull went up and took out a whole squad of coyotes. No, no, no. It wasn't my pit bull. Oh, I thought it was yours. No, no, no. Your neighbor's? It was one of my friends who worked at a pet store. It also worked at a veterinarian's office.

2:57:48Oh, okay. And he told me the story about this pit bull that came into the veterinarian's office. It was covered in cuts. A big, big pit bull. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, you told me this like 10, 15 years ago. Yeah, it was like one of those. You know, there's these companies that take pit bulls and they breed them and make them like 120 pounds. They keep breeding them bigger and bigger. They look like monsters. This was one of those. This thing was a fucking tank. Like a tank, yeah. And he said it was covered in cuts. Yeah. And they asked the guy like, what happened? He goes, I don't know. You know, I came home.

2:58:17He was all fucked up and bleeding. Yeah. So he brings them in, they stitch them up, and then the guy follows the blood trail out into the hills. He finds nine dead coyotes. Yeah, I remember you told me that. We were at the store one night, and you told me that you just heard it. I was like, wow. That is the nuttiest fucking story. That story stayed with me because it was so crazy. He said it looked like Vietnam. Yeah. He goes, their necks were torn apart, their fucking legs were broken. Because this pit bull, once he grabs a hold of them, he just starts shaking them. Coyotes weigh like 30 pounds.

2:58:45Yeah, they're not super big. But they would do this thing where they would like corner an animal and they would trick it. And when they would trick it, they would send one animal out there to get chased. Yeah. And so that - Very cunning. The dog would chase it and they would all come in from the sides and tear it apart. Yeah. They're really smart that way. They fucked with the wrong dude. Yeah. Wow. Isn't that a crazy story? I remember that one. You told me that. I was like, that's crazy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. They're everywhere now. Coyotes are everywhere. everywhere yeah oh yeah they're they're really cool too the coyote america that book by dan flores the same guy who wrote bison ecology bison diplomacy he wrote this amazing book about coyotes where he explains like why they're everywhere because gray wolves and coyotes don't breed but red wolves and coyotes do that's why you have those coy wolves on the east coast yeah gray wolves have always killed coyotes yeah so when gray wolves find coyotes they kill them And so coyotes are used to being persecuted by the gray wolves and then they just keep moving to new places.

2:59:50That's what they do. So that's how they made it all the way across the country. So when people were killing coyotes or people were trying to hunt coyotes, they just moved. They just moved to new places. Yeah, yeah. And now they're everywhere. They can adapt. I see them in my front lawn almost every other week. Yeah, they're everywhere. Yeah, I'm in the Hollywood Hills and I see them walking right past my swimming pool. I mean, it's not cool if you have a dog or a cat because you will eat them, but they are cool. It's a cool animal. Oh, they're really cool. And their howls are wild, too. There's these yips in the middle.

3:00:22Well, they go off sometimes if there's a fire engine goes by in Hollywood. The coyotes will react to it and go off. They also keep the rats down. That's why you don't see a lot of rats. Yeah, that's right. They keep the rat population down. Oh, yeah. If they killed off all the coyotes, it would have a devastating effect for the ecosystem, too. There would be a bunch of shit that would be around all the time now that they're killing and eating. Yeah. Yeah, no, they're cool animals, man. There was a girl, speaking of being killed by wolves, there was a girl in Prince Edward Island about 12 years ago, I think.

3:00:57She got killed by coyotes. She got killed by a pack of coyotes. Yeah. She was out running with her Walkman on. She was like a promising folk singer. Yeah. They said that those coyotes were unusual because they were used to killing moose. Moose. Killing moose. Yeah, the coyotes would literally, they were going after a bigger game because there wasn't a lot of game there. So they were used to packing together and taking out the moose by attacking their legs. Yeah. Keep cutting at their legs until they can't run. Wow. I've never heard of coyotes taking out a moose. That's wild. We looked it up on the show.

3:01:31This was a very unusual area. That's strange. Yeah. And it's one of the reasons why they think these coyotes killed this girl. And she wasn't big. She was small. Yeah, she was out jogging. Yeah. But that's the thing, man. They don't have rules. They don't like, well, we don't fuck with people and people don't fuck with us. But the orcas seem to. They seem to understand what we are. They've saved people, even out in the wild. Like people that fell overboard, they've saved them. Yeah. Isn't it strange that such a – probably the top predator in the sea next to the sperm whale, the killer whale could take whatever it wants and somehow instinctively it leaves humans alone i don't really understand it and that's why i talk about sort of the programming of nature to step around humans somehow because it doesn't make sense humans look like seals with the same body shape the same weight pretty much and yet orcas there's no documented kill of a human by an orca i know other than sea worlds yeah well they're so smart and their brains are huge they're huge brains we just equate intelligence with your ability to manipulate your environment like so they don't have a house they don't have cell phones they must be idiots but we don't know and they they clearly understand that we're different than everything else but that's what i mean all i think all the critters do well we are yeah show some respect bitch we're the ones with the guns uh it's biatch thank you i mean look we both love animals yeah i know you love animals i love animals too i just love people more i love people the same but if it came to deciding whether we left earth with humans or animals i'll be honest this will sound mean i'd I'd give it to the animals.

3:03:22Why? Because they don't know cruelty. That's not true. They don't know malice. Do you know, just listen, you're talking crazy talk. Do you know how bears kill things? They just eat them. They hold them down, they eat them. They don't even kill them first. But it's not from cruelty, it's for survival. It doesn't matter. Humans are cruel. Have you heard of Hiroshima? Yeah, I have. That was probably less cruel than a bear eating you asshole first. No, but there's no intent with an animal. They're just trying to eat you. An animal doesn't have intent. Right, but the end result's still the same. If you were getting eating asshole first by a grizzly bear, you're not thinking, well, he doesn't have intent to be cruel.

3:04:03This is just how he eats me. Asshole first is his favorite way to go. He has to eat you. He can't go to the grocery store. He doesn't have to eat you. He can kill you first and then eat you like a cat does. But he doesn't know how. He doesn't realize he's being cruel. We do. No, no, no. He doesn't care. Right. It's not that he doesn't know how. He could definitely kill you. If you were a bear and they were fighting, he would grab you by the neck and he would kill you. Like they try to kill each other. But when they eat you, they just don't care. Right. That's what I mean. There's no malice. Whereas humans.

3:04:32But the result is the same. You're not going to take comfort in the fact that he doesn't have malice while he's eating your dick. It's pronounced gourd.

3:04:43You know that video, well, the audio of Grizzly Man getting eaten? Yeah. It's five minutes long. Oh, yeah. It's five minutes long of him screaming while this thing is just eating him by grabbing his thighs and pulling chunks out of his thighs. By the way, they finally just recently released that audio, right? Because in the movie Grizzly Man, the director refused to play it. No, it's not real. It's Werner Herzog. They destroyed that audio. Yeah. The fake audio that's online is just fake. The new one. It's not even new. It's been around forever. But you listen to it. If you know it's fake, you hear it, you go, oh, this is bullshit.

3:05:15Oh, okay. It's like, ah! It sounds fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds fake. But the point is, like, yeah, people are gross and cruel. So are chimps. So what they do to monkeys is fucking horrific. Yeah. I don't know if they're doing it on purpose, but what they do to people, it seems like they're doing it on purpose when they bite your fingers off and pull your eyeballs out. It seems like they're being cruel. I think it's a primate survival tactic, especially primates that engage in war, like chimps engage in war. You develop cruelty in order to be better at your job. Yeah, but I think with them, they lack emotional cruelty.

3:05:53Like humans, we have the knowledge to know something's bad or good. They just know survival. And we engage in bad, which makes us a different kind of cruel. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. Did I just win my first argument? No, I mean, you're right. I agree with you about that. We have a certain type of cruelty that's not, you know, it's not like any other animal's cruelty because we're aware of how it's going to affect other people. There you go. Yeah. They're not really aware, but they just don't care. Yeah. You know, when they do those things where they communicate with chimpanzees, they teach them sign language.

3:06:28Yeah. You know, they've never had a chimp ask a question. Yeah. Right. Interesting. Isn't that interesting? Because they don't care. They communicate, but they're never like, why are you wearing clothes? Yeah. You know what I mean? I never thought of that. Yeah. That's funny. That's weird, right? Yeah. Can we get Arby's for lunch? Like, why don't they ever ask for anything? They don't ask. Yeah, that's... Well, wait, did... You know what? That's not true. How so? Coco, the gorilla, he would ask for affection. He would ask for love and hugs. I think there's a... Oh, yeah, but that's a request. That's not a question.

3:07:06Like, why am I here? Oh, okay. What is this building? You're talking more of a philosophical question. No, I'm talking about having actual curiosity about its environment. Right, I understand. Why is your skin white and mine is not? They're just not aware. How come you don't walk on your hands? You know what I mean? What we call intelligence is very compartmentalized. It's very boxed in in comparison to our intelligence. We have the intelligence to understand this thing probably doesn't like being in the cage. They don't think that way. No. Do you believe in the concept of a missing link, like something in between Homo erectus and Neanderthal and then us, modern day?

3:07:45Do you think there's a missing creature? I think, first of all, the real problem is what's the evidence in terms of the fossil record? It's very incomplete. Right. Because it's hard to get fossils. Right. Like for someone to leave a fossil behind, you have to die in mud or specific conditions. So most animals that die, I think we looked it up before, it's like 99 % are never going to leave a fossil. Right. So when they find things like Denisovans, so the Denisovans, I think they found in the 2010s or something like that. When did they find them? Was it more recently than that? Maybe it was more recently than that.

3:08:25So they just found like a tooth and a finger. And then they start finding bones. They're like, hey, this is not like a normal human tooth. This is not like a normal human bone. And then they do DNA tests on them and they go, oh, this is different. This is a different type of human. So there's humans that lived alongside humans that we just found out about 10 years ago. Huh. So how many versions of from ancient hominid to modern homo sapien, how many versions were there that we have evidence of? That's what we don't know. What's the homo or miss it? Here it is. Michael Shunkoff of the Russian Academy of Sciences and other Russian archaeologists.

3:09:05What happened? We just got scrolled, player. That was weird. We're getting scrolled. What did it just do? That was so weird. That was so weird. It's like they didn't want us reading this out loud. What's the homo we're missing? That's a good question. So archaeologists from the Institute of Archaeology and Ethnography, The Siberian branch of the Russian Academy of Sciences in Novosibirsk Akademgorodok investigated the cave and found a finger of a juvenile female hominid originally dated from 50 to 30 ,000 years ago. And then the estimate was changed to 76 ,000 to 51 ,000 years ago. Specimen was originally named X woman.

3:09:51So anyway, the whole thing is they found out this is, go back again, a novel ancient hominid genetically distinct from both contemporary modern humans and from Neanderthals. So they knew from that that it's a new kind of human. And that's just 2008. So this is 18 years ago they found that. So who knows how many ones they could find if they kept, if you had, there's a limited amount of archaeologists that are doing this kind of work. Imagine if you had thousands and thousands of them scouring Asia, scouring Africa. There's probably a bunch more that we haven't discovered. Oh, definitely. So this idea of the missing link, I'm not sure if that's accurate.

3:10:33Okay. But then the question is - I'm glad you said that because it sort of illuminated me a little. Yeah. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. 2008, a Taiwanese citizen purchased a fossil homomandible dredged from the seafloor of the Taiwan Strait from an antique shop and donated to Taiwan's National Museum of the National Science. Attempts to extract the DNA were unsuccessful, but in 2025, protein analysis of the specimen designated Pengyu 1 was published showing that it belonged to a male Denisovan. That was just in a shop? I love that a missing link was in an antique shop. Well, that's how they found Gigantopithecus, too.

3:11:12I like that old lamp. I'll take that plate. And how about historic missing link? How much is that? What the hell? I think it's just a different kind of person. Yeah. You know? And then... Interesting. If they kept finding more of them, maybe we'd have a better understanding of what we're talking about. But there's a giant leap, that's for sure. Yeah. It's the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record is the doubling of the human brain size over a period of two million years. It's a nutty thing that happened. All of a sudden, our brains grew. Well, what's interesting to me, too, is that you do have some fossilized remains that are very, very, very old that date back to, you know, caveman era stuff.

3:11:53And then we have stuff closer to what we just looked at. But there's that one transitional where you'd think there'd be a transitional creature that they can't seem to find. Well, they might find it. They might. I hope they do. I think some of these are getting closer. They don't have like a lot of Denisovan bones, but there's going to be a few more that they find, I'm sure, if they keep looking. I bet there was probably a bunch of different kinds of humans. The question is, like, why did we succeed? And why are we so much smarter than all the rest of them? We should go antiquing this weekend, see what we can dig up.

3:12:26I don't think it's that way. Well, according to that, missing links in an antique shop. In China, right? It was a long time ago. I don't care if they bought China or pottery. I just, let's go in. I got to wrap this up, buddy. Buddy. Always good to see you, brother. Great to see you. Thanks for having me, man. Thank you for being here. Wingman, is it available? Streaming is available everywhere? It's only streaming on Apple and Amazon Prime right now, all over the world. And then in Canada, we will start streaming the end of June, and they might even do 60 to 90 theaters up there. So we're excited.

3:13:03Fuck yeah, dude. Wingman, yeah. And good luck with the Tony one, too. That sounds fun. Yeah, and hopefully maybe we'll see you there. Hopefully maybe. Yeah. And congratulations on Guest of the Year. That's awesome also. Oh, that was last year. Yeah, it was last year. Thank you, buddy. Great to see you. Love you, man. Love you too, brother. All right. Bye, everybody.