1059: Putting Predator on Blast for His Abusive Past | Feedback Friday

21:52That's what investigative journalists do. Imagine that on the front page of the, I don't know where they are, but here it'd be like San Jose Mercury News or something. That's a nuclear bomb dropped right in the volcano core of this business. It's over. And the story there is not just, oh my God, there's a pedophile running a childcare business in our area. It's how do people like this end up being able to open these places? There's a much bigger question here. Fascinating. Right. Right. So the investigative journalist is going, not only does this place need to get shut down in the area, but also, hey, I don't know, again, what state it is.

22:22But, you know, in California, be like, hey, licensing board, how is it that you don't check for this stuff? And then it's a shake up all the way to the top. And if there are victims at this daycare, it is lawsuits all the way down, as it should be. Lawsuits are what get big, unaccountable public agencies to go, oh, new rule. We have to run an actual background check on these people or whatever, you know, whole. You know, I really hope that he is licensed so that they have these avenues to pursue. Yes. I'm a little worried that he's running one of those child care businesses that's like, oh, I run it out of my house and I have an assistant.

22:55Right, I got a fence around my yard. Exactly. And I kind of do this under the radar a little bit, or I have fewer than X number of children. And in our state, you don't need a license if you have fewer than these many students or whatever. So that's going to determine a lot here. But either way, I think you can still notify some authority. I mean, they could just pull a Josh and just put a sign on their lawn that points to his house and says molester. Oh man, how perfect would that? I wish I had saved that so I could send it to them. You could have saved the sign. Just saved you some a couple hours of work.

23:19Yep, that's right. And now, time for you all to take advantage of the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. It is your support of our sponsors that keeps us going. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support this podcast are all in one searchable, clickable place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those that support the show. All right, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost two years, and it's been phenomenal.

23:52Our level of closeness, intimacy, and trust is super high, and we've prided ourselves on our communication and ability to tackle tough issues head-on together. Until recently, we've lived several hours apart, so we've seen each other every couple of weeks on average. In between, we'd be in regular communication, texting back and forth, sending pictures, talking on the phone most days. Sometimes we'd even just have each other on the phone in the background while we worked, just to share a part of each other's day. Happily, she recently moved to take a position less than an hour away from me, which is incredible, but the transition comes with its own challenges.

24:28This internship is demanding, with early morning starts and full days. She's working 6-7 12-14 hour days of fairly physical work where her performance is scrutinized, she can't slack, and phone use is frowned upon. She's exhausted at the end of each day and wants nothing more than to eat, relax, and go to bed. I fully supported this new job and appreciate her drive for independence and I encouraged her to pursue it. I've been her biggest cheerleader and I want to see her successful and fulfilled. We also both recently extricated ourselves from long-term toxic dysfunctional relationships, and she sees this move as an opportunity to be super independent and learn about herself as an individual.

25:08While maintaining her monogamous relationship, she wants to spend more time on her own, quote, do what she wants when she wants, unquote, and not need to ask permission or feel guilty about being social, enjoying her hobbies, exercising, etc., as she did with her oppressive ex. We agree on the importance of learning who we are as individuals, since none of that was possible before. A healthy future for us requires us to understand our own wants and needs. But the rather sudden transition to full independence mode has been unexpectedly difficult and insecurity-inducing. Communication has taken a huge hit, a total 180 from what we had before.

25:44We text infrequently, maybe a couple times a day, and talk on the phone even less. And I rarely hear from her unless I initiate the communication. She's kind of in her own little world now, and I often don't feel like I'm a part of it. Despite our open and honest communication, I feel that bringing these issues up during our limited time to talk lends a negative tone and triggers some of her avoidance style. I don't want to discourage her from talking with me by complaining and dumping my own insecurities on her, so I try to keep those conversations cheery and loving and supportive. How can I best support my girlfriend and show her I care for her and love her without the regular communication through which we fell in love.

26:24What does support look like while giving someone space at the same time? And how can I maintain my trust in sanity during this dramatically new phase? And yes, I'm already in therapy. Signed, sit tight despite my girlfriend's flight, or hang on tight when we barely say goodnight. Well, first of all, I commend you and your girlfriend for trying to rewrite this codependent model for building a relationship that is very different from the ones you had before, where you guys are connected but still allowed to be individuals, that is not easy to do. You guys seem to be handling all this with a lot of self-awareness and maturity, a lot of respect, trust in each other.

26:57I think that's awesome. It's inspiring, really. But yeah, being individuals, giving the other person time and space to develop, especially when you're young, which I gather you guys are, it can be really hard. These feelings you have, in a way, they're kind of the price you pay for allowing your partner to be her own person, allowing yourself to trust her, putting you and your girlfriend's growth above your comfort. It's not easy, but it is important. So it's interesting. You guys are great communicators, except now when you need to communicate about the lack of communication. And it sounds like there's a lot going on here.

27:27You're basically pretending everything's okay and being cheery, but really there's this very meaningful thing hanging between you. And by the way, if you feel it, I promise you she feels it too in some way. So my advice is you got to talk to your girlfriend about this. Look, it doesn't have to be combative or complainy, whiny. It doesn't have to be you dumping all your insecurities on her. And by have to, I mean you should not do that. If I were in your shoes, I might say something like, listen, I want you to know I care about you a lot. I'm still so excited for you to be chasing this opportunity.

27:57Obviously, it's a lot harder to talk as much as we used to while you're away. And I know that was part of the deal. I'm still 100 % supportive of you pursuing your goals and being your own person. And I don't want our relationship to get in the way of that. And it's been a little hard for me to not feel as connected to you lately. Honestly, I haven't wanted to share this with you because I don't want the little time we do have together to be sad or burdensome, but I also don't want to pretend with you or hide how I'm feeling. So I'm just sharing this. I'm not necessarily asking you to do anything about it.

28:24This might not even be a huge problem. It's just something that's come up for me. But where are you? How are you feeling? What's it like not being in touch as often? Is there anything you'd like to share with me? That's how you can be supportive and loving while still giving her space. By reminding her that you're still her champion, you're not demanding anything of her right off the bat, you're giving her the freedom to live her life and to empathize with you a little bit. Now that conversation could go in a few different directions. She might say, oh man, thank you for telling me. I'm feeling the same way.

28:50It sucks. I'm sorry, but it's temporary. We're great. She might also say, wow, good to know. Okay, I can do a little better. Let me make more of an effort to stay in touch. Or she might tell you that the time apart has brought up some things for her too and share some of those things with you. Whatever she says back, I promise you it's gonna be a net positive because the only mistake you can make here is not being open with your partner or doing right by yourself. And you gotta remember saying, I miss you, I feel distant, it doesn't mean, hey, I'm right about this and you need to change. It just means, hey, here's a feeling I'm having, let's check it out together.

29:22It might be enough just to share this with her, know that she gets it, she cares, maybe confirm that you guys are still connected even if you don't talk. Or if her feelings have shifted, which I know that's not fun to think about, I'm not saying that's what's going on, but we have to acknowledge the possibility, it's obviously important for you to know that. And by the way, that's also how you can maintain your trust and sanity during this phase. And it's also one of the most heartfelt things you can do to remind her that you're still here. It's hard to deal with those feelings alone. And it's hard to know that your trust is warranted when you're not being totally open with the person that you're supposed to trust.

29:54That creates a gap in which your worst thoughts and feelings can grow. And having this conversation is a way to narrow that gap and see if these feelings are actually warranted. My only caveat is, and this is sort of like former dating coach Jordan chiming in here, you can and should bring this up, But I wouldn't bring it up every week for the next two months because there's a difference between sharing a legit feeling and becoming needy and sucking up what little energy she has left at the end of the day, which could really compromise the relationship. This is not me telling you not to have this conversation, but just something to keep an eye on because you could inadvertently create the result that you most fear.

30:30Yeah, that's a really good point. And this is why he has a therapist because there's a piece of this problem that he's having with his girlfriend that is his. And he can work some of those feelings out on his own, but some of them are for them to work out together. But you know, Jordan, I think this is also an opportunity for him to show her a new way of navigating these conversations that does not require her to withdraw since that seems to be her pattern, right? And if she does, he can say, okay, I feel you pulling away a little bit or avoiding this. I think I can understand why, but I'm still here.

30:59I'm not going anywhere. I really think we can work through this if we talk. So tell me what's going on. What's coming up for you? The problem is that the more he cramps around her avoidant style as a way to keep her close, the more he's risking that she will actually drift away through a combination of both their avoidances. So leaning into this is actually the best thing they could do. But I think we have to recognize one more thing here, which is how they were relating before she left for this internship. He said that they were super connected, they would talk all the time, they would leave their phones on in the background just to spend part of their days together.

31:31That is very sweet. But I also wonder if that was his way of getting the reassurance he needed before he realized he needed it. And now that she's away, he's not getting that. And it's laying bare this anxiety of his. It's also possible that the level of contact, as sweet as it was, she might have experienced it as somewhat smothering or something. And is that maybe why she felt the need to go on this adventure? Maybe. Well, now we're planting ideas in this guy's head. But right, yeah. Was she thinking maybe without even realizing it, I'm losing myself in this relationship. This is too much. I need to carve out space for me.

32:02I mean, I could relate to that. Look, obviously, we cannot know for sure. She might have loved those phone calls and decided that she needed to grow as a professional. And this is not what is happening. But this would be a really important thing for them to talk about. The reason I bring it up is he's probably like, why are you telling me this? I don't want this in my head. But the reason I'm bringing this up is the story here might be we used to be super connected. And now we're temporarily not. And that's really hard. But the story could also be we were a little too connected. And now we're having to disentangle a little bit.

32:34in a healthy way, which is a different thing. That would be something else I would want to understand in this conversation with her. You know, it's funny. I went through something kind of similar. So when Jen and I were first dating, I started taking, I was taking a bunch of courses that were really easy. And like courses that had low stakes, like urban survival and evasion, where I was like, this is really easy. Yeah, as one does. This was your survivalist phase? I don't remember this. This is me, you know, doomsday prepper surviving the zombie apocalypse. No, I don't know. I was just taking this crazy class, this sort of Neil Straussian class.

33:04And I was texting her like all day, every day during this class, because I didn't need to pay that much attention. It was like really basic for me, the classroom stuff. It was like me and a bunch of old cops and, you know, retired sort of spy types or wannabe spy types. And afterwards, I got actually busy again with work and she was like, oh, we're not texting as much anymore. What does this mean? You know, you used to be so much more available. And I'm like, I wasn't doing anything. And now I'm busier. This is actually normal. The other way was the not normal way. and she's like, oh, okay. And then it just took a while for her to get used to that because it was the exception that I was available to text her every two minutes nonstop for eight hours a day, right?

33:41Like I was literally just stuck in a chair and didn't have to run a business. So there might be a parallel here where like, he's like, oh my God, we're not talking as much. Yeah, you went through the honeymoon phase and you all had a bunch of time. Now that's sort of over, but it doesn't mean your relationship is over. Anyway, I just had one last thought for our friend here, which is your girlfriend is off having this really significant experience. She's investing in herself. she's building new relationships, she's evolving a lot, and that's hard, but look, that's awesome, right? It's good. So I'm wondering, what are you doing with this time apart?

34:09How are you making the most of it? Because you could spend this time sitting at home worrying about whether you can trust your girlfriend feeling uneasy and trying to distract yourself with Xbox or whatever, or you could try to use this chapter to grow as an individual too. Maybe you tackle a couple projects you never had time for. Maybe you start building some new friendships of your own. Maybe you take a trip or two trips with a friend. You get some distance. You broaden your own horizons. I don't know, take Spanish classes, bro, whatever. The story that you seem to be working with right now is, my girlfriend has gone off to have this profound experience and I'm stuck here worrying whether she still loves me or she's gonna come back.

34:42But there's another story here, which is my girlfriend is off having this amazing experience and I'm creating my own and it's hard not to be as connected as we once were, but we're both growing and this is the relationship we wanted to not lose ourselves in each other to do the codependent thing that we used to do before. Maybe part of the solution here is being more proactive in your own goals, taking a cue from your girlfriend, using this time to work on yourself too. I bet if you did that, it wouldn't sting quite as much when she doesn't FaceTime you on the way to and from work. So be honest, stay connected, take a cue from your girlfriend and pursue your goals too, but also remember that these challenges are par for the course in a highly independent, productive, healthy partnership.

35:24If you didn't want to feel these things, you guys could just be in a codependent, restrictive relationship like the ones you guys had before, this relationship is pushing you to increase your capacity for all of these feelings. And frankly, that's a gift. And I'm proud of you for trying things in a different way. I wish you both the best of luck. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If your stepdad's got your nudes, your friend's getting out of prison for murder, or your entitled nephew has revealed himself as a Holocaust denier, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, Hit us up Friday at, whenever I read these things in a row, I'm just like, what crazy-ish we get in this inbox on this show.

36:04Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, yes, of course, We Bit Wiser, our newsletter. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode, from us to you, delivered right to your inbox once a week on Wednesday. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our 1 ,000 plus episodes and apply it to your life, it's a two-minute read, it's practical, It's a great companion to the show. You can sign up jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, what's next? Salut, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a small business owner in my mid-40s.

36:34I have a great family and a reasonably successful business, and I'm in good health. As one of the partners in my business and the CEO, a fair amount of my time is allocated to working with clients and staff, and that is really challenging for me. Nine years ago, two years after starting my business, I suffered a traumatic brain injury. I lost my sense of smell, dealt with a change of personality, and lost my executive function to the point that I could not even read well. All the words would come at me at once and I struggled to read to my children as I would form sentences from words that I would perceive from all over on both pages.

37:10Oh my God, this is so intense. Gosh, can you imagine not being able to, that would just terrify me. I understand why that's scary. I understand why this is earth-shaking for you. That's so, what a bizarre way. I got into a minor scrap with my towel rack and I had two or three days of mild concussion symptoms. This is like a whole other level. That's so intense. To clarify here, it sounds, Gabe, like what he's saying is he would open a book and instead of reading the lines on the left, the words would just jump off both pages into his brain and it didn't make any sense. Like that's. Yeah, it's like being John Nash without the brilliance.

37:43Yeah. You're just trying to tie strings of yarn and thumbtack the words together so you can read your bedtime story to your kid. I was able to successfully address the personality and executive function issues by just simply not giving up. I read book after book after book until I could read again. I learned French and am working on learning Russian. Wow. I spent time meditating and doing therapy and still do. Wow. That's really cool. First of all, those are not, well, French is easy-ish. Russian, totally different alphabet, different grammar. I mean, that's hard even when you don't have brain damage.

38:16So you are an inspiration. hell of a comeback from what sounds like a life-changing injury. But my social battery just won't change no matter how much time I spend trying to improve it, at least by my usual approach of stubborn persistence. I can't spend more than a couple of hours a day working with people before I start to lose my focus. I also lose my ability to be deeply engaged after about three hours of social interaction and will withdraw into myself. If I have a long social day, I have a hard time being present with my family when I get home from work. Listening to your interview with Susan Cain and reading her book on the power of introverts really helped me start to accept who I am.

38:54I currently try to manage my social calendar to not exceed more than 15 % of my day, but this is challenging for me. I want and feel obligated to be there for staff and clients. All my life, I've been able to overcome obstacles by simply focusing on my goals until I've succeeded. I was once embarrassed by my math skills, so I took the calculus series in college and ended up graduating as a math major. I had a schizo-effective mom whose manic episodes would greatly disrupt my college career. So when things got bad, I would drop out, handle my business, and get right back to school. Wow. Okay, sorry.

39:29Before we go on, remind me what that is again. Is that like diet schizophrenia? Diet schizophrenia. Yeah. Let's go write a letter to the DSM and tell them to update the terms. I'm not trying to make light of it. I just don't really know what it actually is. diet schizophrenia it's like schizophrenia with half the calories so people with schizoaffective disorder have a mix of schizophrenia symptoms like hallucinations and delusions and then they also have mood disorder symptoms like depression and mania that's awful so like the best of both worlds i suppose that's really terrible yeah quite not easy to live with i imagine super sad so he goes on so much of my life has rewarded me for being unrelenting in my pursuits but after nine years, nothing has budged for me here.

40:14Is one's social battery a fixed trait? Is there anything I can do that I'm missing? How do I balance my obligations and my traits in a way that minimizes negative consequences for myself and others? Signed, looking for the lever and struggling with the pressure to succeed in this endeavor of being available to whomever when my capacity now is simply lesser. Wow, what a story. First of all, like I said a moment ago, you're an absolute rock star, man. To experience a TBI this severe, heal yourself through what sounds like essentially sheer willpower and the miracle of nature, right? Things healing themselves.

40:50It's incredibly inspiring, but it sounds like that's part of a larger pattern in your life of meeting challenges with a ton of strength, resilience, and hard work. Like you said, you are unrelenting in your pursuits. This story about taking a calculus class when you weren't good at math and then majoring in it, having a mother with schizoaffective disorder, This is major adversity, and I just really admire you. And yes, I'm counting math as major adversity, because it would be for me. So look, I don't know whether your social battery is a fixed trait. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist. I'm barely qualified to run a podcast, and I don't know you personally.

41:22But it sounds like you've worked really hard on every aspect of your personality. And if you're not seeing progress in this one department, given how unrelenting you are, it might be one area where you need to give yourself some grace and adjust your expectations. You're already doing this by putting boundaries around your social time, I think that's excellent. Honestly, from what I hear, all great leaders do that, even the ones without TBIs, okay? You need to protect your time and energy to do deep, solo work. You also have to make sure that you're available to your family when you get home. You're not just a leader, you're a parent and a partner.

41:52So I think you're being responsible here with that level of energy, the faculties that you have. And maybe in a weird way, this symptom of the TBI has given you permission to be even more disciplined and boundaried, which is kind of a cool thing. By the way, of all the excuses to be introverted, literal brain damage is probably one of the best I've ever heard. Like, hey man, you wanna go clubbing? No, one, I'm 44 and two, I have brain damage, I can't do it. That is an airtight excuse right there. Absolutely, how are you gonna argue with that? But I'm also wondering about the quality of these social interactions with staff and clients, right?

42:25It's exhausting to just interact with people for hours a day, even if you enjoy it, but there might also be something about the way you're interacting with people that's particularly draining. For example, I wonder if you're offering these people more than you absolutely need to, or you feel responsible to them or for them, or maybe you're expending a lot of cognitive energy making sure that you're firing on all cylinders, or you're wondering how you're coming across to them, and that's part of what's so draining. In other words, is it just about the hours you spend with these people, or is it about what's going on inside of you while you're interacting with them?

42:57Maybe even how these people continue to occupy space in you throughout the day, even after you part ways. You know, Jordan, that is a really good point. And something tells me that that is playing a big role here because we're hearing from a guy who famously gives 200 % of his energy to achieve his goals. So he probably engages very deeply, very generously with his staff, with his clients. That might be extra exhausting. But also we're hearing from a guy who sounds pretty attuned to other people's needs, right? He talked about his employees, his staff, his children, when he reads to them. It's a wonderful quality.

43:30And it's probably a big reason that he beat this TBI and has thrived in general in his career. But I also suspect that that quality developed very early in life because let's remember his mom had severe mental illness. So just imagine growing up with a parent who suffers from schizoaffective disorder. My guess is that he learned to be very alert to his mother's symptoms, to constantly read the room, to make sure she was okay so that he could make sure he was okay, right? which is what all human beings do, but especially ones with parents who are more unpredictable. And then he said when he got older, whenever she had episodes, he would drop out of college, presumably to like go take care of her until she was stable again.

44:10And then he would go back to school, which I would be curious to know if he really needed to do that, or if she made him feel that he needed to do that, or if he just took it upon himself to do, which I would not be surprised if he did. And that's my point, actually, this relationship with his mother, taking care of her, sometimes putting her needs above his own sometimes, and then plowing right back into his life and playing catch up and just pushing forward however he can, he might have taken that template into the rest of his life. And so I can imagine that when an employee or a client needs something from him, or even maybe when they don't, he might give them so much more of himself than he absolutely needs to, because that's how he's learned to be.

44:51Like he said, he doesn't just want to be there for his staff and clients. In his words, he feels obligated to be there. And it might feel like even more of a failure to him if he makes peace with the limits of his social battery because, you know, he prides himself so much on being the guy who is unrelenting, who can achieve anything through this stubborn persistence of his. So what I'm hearing in his letter is not just how do I work with my limited capacity for this stuff, but more like how do I give up this source of gratification at surpassing my limits? How do I deal with the anxiety and maybe even a little bit of shame around accepting that I might not be Superman?

45:28You know, especially in this department I have been so well trained for since I was a child. I kind of think that's what he's truly wrestling with. I think you're right. He has a lot of his ego and identity wrapped up in this I can beat anything mindset, and I get it. I would too. And he should be proud of that. It's amazing. But this is also an opportunity for him to look at that part of his personality and just give himself a little grace. He doesn't need to be perfect, whatever that means, in order to be effective. You sound like a terrific leader and involved father and all-around awesome human being.

45:56All of these people are lucky to have you, but that doesn't mean they require all of you all the time, and you're not necessarily failing by working within your limits. You're honoring them, making the most of the energy you do have, so play with these ideas. See if they help. You got this, man. Good luck. And now, some deals so good they'll give you brain damage. You're welcome. We'll be right back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday and found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors.

46:26All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can also email me jordan at jordanharbinger.com. If you can't find the code, you're not sure if the code's working, I'm happy to surface that stuff for you because it is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I'm 31 years old, and I currently work in a restaurant as a cook. We're lacking staff, so I took on some other tasks, even though I wasn't required to. I can say that I am the hardest working person in the place, only after my boss.

47:00Now that they've seen what I can do, they take it for granted that it's my job to do all of those tasks. I'm not complaining though, because I believe we should do more than what we're expected to do. I can tell the bosses adore me and they raised my salary after nine months instead of one year as they did with the others. Awesome. Love your mindset. Love this quality. So do I. Big fan of this. My mom recently sent me a video advising me not to work too fast because bosses will just assign you more tasks. The message was stick with your primary work and don't take on more responsibilities because you will be taken advantage of.

47:34I've also heard someone say to not go around offering to do free stuff for everyone hoping to get ahead. I actually disagree, but there are a few caveats to that. Yeah, we'll get into all that in a moment. But I'm actually hoping to get ahead, and so I don't mind doing things that no one wants to do. I'm planning to work for myself in a few years' time, so my idea is to give the best of myself to learn as much as possible. When should I say no and put a limit around my time at work? Or should I continue to do as much as I can? What does your ideal employee look like? If you worked for someone else, what type of employee would you be?

48:09Signed, a hardworking cook, hoping to get in my boss's good books, by hook or by crook, without becoming a schnook. Once again, Gabe, going ham in the sign-offs today. Get that mustard out. That sign-off was longer than this woman's hours. Longer than the list of responsibilities no one asked her to take on. That's right. So these are great questions. In general, I am, of course, a big believer in giving 150 % at a job, or at least going above and beyond and looking for ways to be of service, especially at the beginning, because A, if everyone does that, a team can achieve absolutely incredible things.

48:40B, it feels good, it's inspiring, it's gratifying, it's just a great way to show up in the world. And C, it's hands down the best way to learn and create opportunities for yourself, whether it's getting a raise or a promotion or jumping to a job that you want more. We talk about that when people write in asking how to land a promotion, and our advice is generally give yourself the promotion in your mind first, do more than what's asked of you and basically show your bosses why you are worth more money than you're getting and the title that you're asking for, which is precisely what you're doing.

49:09But here's my big caveat. You should go above and beyond until you've done the work for a reasonable amount of time and to be clear, that depends on the unique circumstances of your job and until you realize you are not being rewarded in some meaningful way and that could be money, it could be a title, it could even just be validation, it could be growing and learning for your own sake so you can take those skills to your next job or into your own company, you get to decide what makes something rewarding. At a certain point, yes, employers can absolutely take advantage of you or just take you for granted and it's important to realize when that's happening.

49:42That's when you push back or you pull back and place a limit around your time when it's no longer an appropriate investment on your part but an exploitative arrangement. In your case, the restaurant gave you a raise three months earlier than everybody else, which tells me that they do value you to some degree, plus you're growing as a professional, you're investing in yourself, which is important, but is that compensation enough? Are these skills you're acquiring still valuable? Are you learning enough to justify the long hours and hard work? Those are all questions you have to answer for yourself, and you have to check in with yourself regularly to make sure.

50:14My ideal employee, honestly, they probably look a lot like you. I love people who take initiative, who are resourceful, hardworking, generous. I like to think that I'm the kind of boss who rewards those qualities, or if they're not necessary, the kind of boss who goes, hey, thank you for doing that, but there's no need. But beyond that, my dream employee is also positive, flexible, self-directed, curious, passionate. I also like people who genuinely care about my product and get the spirit of what we do here. I don't like hiring people who are too mercenary about this kind of career. And if I worked for someone else, I mean, hashtag unemployable at this point, but I try to be all of those things too.

50:52Candidly, I find it hard to lead with those qualities when it's not my own business. And that's probably why I'm not the best employee or wouldn't be, not anymore anyway. I was decent as a learning associate, a lawyer, but I wouldn't say I was the perfect soldier by any means. In fact, I was too independent in a lot of things. I got a lot of flack for that. A lot of the reasons I was not cut out for corporate were the exact traits that make me successful as an entrepreneur. That's neither here nor there. It sounds like you might be the same. You plan to work for yourself one day, which I applaud.

51:18But this period of being an employee who gives way more than she's expected to, I'm absolutely sure that'll end up being super useful when you branch out on your own. And it'll help you size people up when you're in a position to hire too. So I say keep going, but just keep an eye on whether you're still reaping the benefits too. Sometimes that means speaking up and asking for what you want, like another raise or a promotion to sous chef or whatever. And sometimes that means running with what you've learned and applying it somewhere more lucrative or meaningful as soon as possible. And you sound like a rockstar.

51:47Once again, good for you and good luck. All right, my recommendation of the week, hear me out here, Venus fly trap. That is not a euphemism or like a product you haven't heard of. Literally go to the plant store and get a Venus fly trap. Trader Joe's has them now. We bought one on impulse and we opened the back slider doors and flies come in because we're cooking or whatever. We have this weird metal net thing that you put over fruit to keep, I guess, flies away from food and fruit. And we trap the thing on the window by turning the lights off. It flies onto the window. We trap it on the window and then we trap it in a smaller cup and then we slide a paper between the cup and the window and then we put the cup with the trap flying it over the top of the terrarium with the Venus flytrap and it flies around, it flies around, it flies around, it flies around and then it goes, oh, let me just land on the ground and see what's going on and you watch this thing just crawl in to the Venus flytrap and get stuck in there and I cannot tell you how disproportionately crazy my entire family, like, it's like watching the Super Bowl.

52:45We are screaming and clapping and jumping up and down. The kids are excited. I'm talking about me and Jen too. The kids are excited too, of course, but we are just going nuts. And my dad's like, okay, I guess we didn't need to buy you all those expensive toys over the years. We just need to get you a Venus flytrap. It is so hilariously fun. And these things are probably dirt cheap. It's just a plant. That's so fascinating. You're hunting on behalf of your plant. Venus flytraps freak me out because - They are creepy. Are they plants or are they animals? No, it's a plant, man. It's a plant. It doesn't swallow the prey.

53:14It just closes around. There's little hairs in there. Oh, I thought Venus fly traps eat the flies. They do. But what happens is the pods or whatever they're called, they have those spiky things on them. Yeah. There's little hairs in the mouth of the pod or whatever. The fly crawls in there. The hairs trigger it to close. The spiky parts close a little bit first so that it can't fly out. And then the actual pod closes. And I've seen them after 10 days or so. They open up and all that's left is like this ashy exoskeleton of the fly. It digests it right inside the pod. Yeah. So they are eating the fly.

53:46They are eating the fly. Yeah. Yeah. They're digesting it. So it's kind of straddling two different species. It's so interesting. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, it's a carnivorous plant. Wow. When I was in the Amazon, we saw them and they were so big that you could probably put your arm in there. No way. Yeah. I mean, I was like, would that hurt? And the guy was like, no, you just pull your arm out. Oh my God. And I was like, really? What do they eat? And he's like, birds. Oh my God. I've never heard of that. So we saw some that had just like bird bones and feathers in them. Wow. The Amazon has crazy stuff, doesn't it?

54:15The Amazon just has dinosaur level everything. That's wild. Yeah, it's so creepy. Like a hummingbird or some equivalent from the Amazon just flies in there and that's the end. Incredible. So gnarly. Now the Amazon wants to kill you, period. All right, in case you all don't know, there's a subreddit for our show if you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes. If there's an episode you've really liked, an episode you didn't like, you want to share thoughts on the show, chat with other people in the show fam, including Gabriel and myself, check it out. There's a lot of really interesting, cool conversations happening over there.

54:44It's on Reddit. Just search for Jordan Harbinger. You'll find the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Six years ago, I ended a relationship with a narcissist who was mostly verbally, but sometimes physically abusive. I never would have expected this from him because he was such a well-liked guy, funny, charming, and adventurous. But sure enough, as narcissistic progression goes, soon after we started dating, he started to show signs. I ignored them mostly because I had been single for a while and figured I was overthinking some of the signs. I had convinced myself that I was the problem because I had waited so long for a movie-like romance.

55:23Fast forward seven years in the relationship. I had been completely isolated from my family and friends, convinced I didn't want marriage or kids, and become depressed, anxious, and dependent on the relationship. I spent many days feeling worthless for the smallest of things. Like one time, he cut himself on a potato peeler, but it was my fault because I put it in a drawer that would sometimes get stuck so he couldn't see it. Some nights, when he would rage, he would shake and tell me that I needed to stop making him angry because I know what will happen if I don't. One night, he beat me for six hours straight.

55:58I screamed for help, but none of my neighbors did a thing. I spent most of that night thinking, will my family know it was him who killed me? This is horrible. Oh my god, I'm so deeply sorry that you went through all this. This is incredibly serious abuse. One day, while out with a friend who had just lost her husband to cancer, we started to discuss our relationships. Hers was loving and kind and generous. Mine was a hot mess. For the first time ever, I told her everything except the physical abuse, shared all of these terrible things that had been totally normalized in my relationship, and my friend just looked at me in horror.

56:38The more I said, the more I realized how little people knew of my relationship and how well I hit it. When we finished, she said, So, what are we going to do about this? I said, I think I'm going to leave him. She said, Oh yes, you most certainly are. She was like a protective older sister, and hearing her say this made me feel so safe. A few days later, I did it. I slowly started planning my escape. I bought a house and put it in just my name. I started collecting things I would need after we split. I started reestablishing relationships with friends and family. Then, one day after a work party I attended alone, he started pounding on the bathroom door and demanding I come out immediately and tell him why some random person dropped me off at our house.

57:21The random person was an Uber driver. Oh my God. I told him I'd be out in a second, but he ignored that and almost broke the door down. I calmly finished, opened the door and said, you want to talk? Let's talk. Get the f*** out of my house because I'm done. I'm beyond done. We are done. Pack your s*** and leave. Damn. Good for you. Wow, that must have taken some real cojones. Also, though, sounds terrifying. So scary. Yeah, scary. He was beside himself. He never saw this day coming. I was shocked because I didn't know I had it in me. It felt amazing. I had taken the first step to getting my life back.

57:59Hell yeah. I'm so glad that worked out and did not turn violent, though. It took some time to get him out. He tried manipulating situations and pretending to be a better person, but I knew the ugly within him, and I was no longer fooled. Once those ties were cut, it was so refreshing. It was like coming up for air that I never tasted before. Everything was wonderful, and life was great, and I no longer felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm now happily married to the most wonderful man, we live a beautiful life, and I couldn't feel more blessed if I tried. And while parts of the trauma still come up, therapy and my husband's patience have helped me process and cope with all of the things that happened.

58:37For anyone out there who's scared to leave, I want you to know that there is another side to life that can be everything you have ever wanted. It is in the personality of a narcissist to make you believe that it's not, but I can tell you from experience that it is. I can also say that your narcissistic relationship is going to teach you strength you didn't know you had. The hardest part of moving on is putting the change in motion. And for those who are worried about what happens to them, because again, that's how narcissists keep us hooked. Don't worry, they bounce right back. They aren't as helpless as they pretend to be.

59:10They are resourceful and they will not take long to use their tactics to get right back into a cushy situation. Best of luck to everyone who needed to hear this, and I am rooting for you. Signed, A Woman on a Mission, and sincerely hoping you'll listen how she managed to escape this prison if you happen to be stuck in a similar position. Well, I think this letter speaks for itself, so I'm not sure how much I have to add to what this listener has said so beautifully. When Gabe and I read this one, we were obviously very moved by it. We get a lot of letters from people in abusive relationships or dealing with narcissistic partners, so we wanted to share this with all of you, and I want to thank our friend here for being so courageous and for sharing her story with all of us.

59:48You know, it's interesting, Gabe, one of the themes that kept popping up in today's letters was considering a new narrative, right? Yeah. The guy trying to stay close with his independent girlfriend, we encouraged him to create a bigger narrative about what this chapter and their relationship is about, what it means. The guy struggling with the low social battery, he has a certain narrative about his ability to overcome challenges, what people need from him, what his limitations say about him, and he's on the brink of maybe discovering a new one, a very liberating one. Even our friend from the last question, the one who's giving 150 % at work, she's trying to decide which narrative to embrace, that you shouldn't work too hard or you'll be exploited or that you should always go above and beyond because that's how you stand out and get ahead.

1:00:26And now we have this woman whose story is really about discovering a new narrative for herself and then willing that narrative to life by making some big moves and taking some big risks, which literally saved her life, potentially. And it's one of the things we think about a lot on the show. something I think about a lot in my own life too. How do we create new narratives for ourselves? How do we break out of negative circumstances, open up new possibilities for our lives? In a lot of ways, that's a story. It's a kind of dream. Even if that dream is just, I wanna live alone, or I wanna be this kind of employee, and dreaming that dream, writing that story for yourself, it takes a lot of courage, a ton of faith, a willingness to tolerate uncertainty and venture into new situations you can't possibly predict.

1:01:06And I'm just fascinated by how certain people do that, how they dig deep and find these new narratives inside of them and then take concrete steps in the world, whether it's leaving an abusive partner or moving to a new city or signing up for a course or taking a trip. These moves can be huge or they can be very small. It's just very inspiring to hear about. And honestly, it makes me wonder how I can be more this way in my own life because we all need to do this from time to time, even if we're not in as dire a situation as our friend here. Could not agree more. This is a, I mean, how do you put, it's a remarkable letter.

1:01:38I mean, that moment in the bathroom, I can't even imagine saying that to somebody who beat me for six hours straight one day. I mean, that's horrifying. But what a great discovery to find that this narcissistic, controlling guy was basically no match for your conviction, for your resolve. Yeah. But the other thing that this letter captures really nicely for me is we rarely rewrite these narratives alone. It was only when she told her story to that friend, and it wasn't even the full story. She left out the worst parts. It was only then that she was able to see how dangerous her situation really was.

1:02:10And then her friend was like, so what are we going to do about this? And she validated her and supported her and gave her the safety and the confidence that she needed to get out. So yeah, I agree with you, Jordan. One of our superpowers is digging deep and finding these new narratives inside of ourselves. But I think we often need people, other people to sort of dream those dreams with us. I know I do. And relationships like these make these narratives doable. They make them real. Totally, yeah. This is why I'm always banging on about investing in people. It's not just about, you know, getting leads on job opportunities and having someone to grab a beer with when you move to a new town.

1:02:44Those benefits are great, but you never know how someone might literally change the course of your life just by listening to you, supporting you when you really need it. The last thing I want to say about this letter is, Gabe, remember last week we took a letter from the woman who felt like she was like a fringe friend. She was struggling to find a solid friend group. Yes. So this is the one who had been kicked out of her friend group and then she felt like she just didn't have this natural X factor charisma. to have friends. So we talked about a few possibilities there, but the main one was, are you sure you're really available to people?

1:03:13Are you risking being vulnerable with them? Are you sharing these real parts of yourself with the right people before you try to invent a more attractive social persona? And look, our friend here, she wouldn't have had this wake up if she hadn't taken a chance and opened up about a very painful and apparently quite shameful part of her life. She didn't even go all the way. And look at the impact that it had. So that's my other big takeaway from this story, just how important it is to take a chance and open up. I can't even imagine how hard it is to tell a close friend, somebody who probably thinks they know you pretty well, hey, my partner's a massive narcissist and I'm being abused.

1:03:48But look what can happen when you're willing to let someone in. And I bet their friendship is deeper and more meaningful than ever. So you've shared some excellent insights into narcissistic personalities, how they often crumble, how you sometimes actually don't need to worry about them too much. but what you've really done is reminded everyone, including me, that there's always more life to live if you're willing to live it and we're surrounded by good people. And I'm insanely proud of you for getting out of this relationship and reinventing your life. Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you to all the other listeners who shared theirs this week.

1:04:21Go back and check out Nina Alk and our Skeptical Sunday on the placebo and nocebo effects if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, just like we're talking about today on the show, the circle of people I know, like, and trust and open up to and who open up to me. And I'm teaching you how to build that for yourself in our six minute networking course. The course is 100 % free. It's not gross. It's not sort of like mechanical and schmoozy. It's on the Thinkific platform at sixminutenetworking.com. The drills take a few minutes a day.

1:04:48Dig that well before you're thirsty, folks. Build those relationships before you need to lean on them. You can find it once again at sixminutenetworking.com. Show notes, transcripts, jordanharbinger.com is where you find those. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

1:05:19Our advice and opinions are our own and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Corbin Payne. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love and if you found the episode useful, share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn and we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger Show to sink your teeth into, here's a trailer for another episode that I think you might enjoy.

1:05:48I was walking from one hotel to another quite late at night. I was at a magic convention in Wales. I was wearing a three-piece velvet suit. Because why not? Because why not? So this guy is really drunk and is clearly looking for a fight. And he's with his girlfriend and all his adrenaline is up here and he starts shouting at me and says something like, what are you looking at or what's your problem or something. In that situation, you can't respond with, oh, I'm not looking at anything because you're on the back foot and they've got power. Or, yeah, I'm looking at you, what's your problem? Because either way, you're going to get hit.

1:06:24But you can just not play that game right from the outset. So I said, the wall outside my house isn't four foot high. So his reaction to that is a bit of a pause. He's like, what? And I said, oh, the wall outside my house isn't four foot high. When I lived in Spain, the walls there were quite high, but here they're tiny, I mean, they're nothing. So he then, he just went, oh, fuck, and started crying. His girlfriend walked off, and he sat down by the side of the road. I sat down next to him and started asking about what had gone wrong that night. I think his girlfriend had bottled somebody. There'd been some fight.

1:07:00And weirdly, then I'm giving him advice. I was talking to a friend of mine about this thing. And he's an artist and he used to walk home from his studio late at night through a rough bit of London. And there were always these kind of like gangs on one side of the road. So he'd always cross over away from them. Of course, they'd always see that. And it was always this horrible, uncomfortable, intimidating thing. So we spoke about it. And then the next night, he crossed over the road to them. and said, good evening, as he walked past them. And of course, they left him alone because he just seemed like a strange...

1:07:29Yeah, I don't see. He's crazy. He's just weird. Yeah. Who wants to see a magic trick? For an inside look at the levers in our own brain, alongside Darren Brown, one of the world's most legendary illusionists and mentalists, check out episode 150 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.