1072: Past Regrets Foster Clear and Present Threats | Feedback Friday

22:31He's also frustrated about not being able to find a girlfriend, although I think he could do quite well with some work. And he's not very consistent about taking care of his physical health, he shows no interest in going to therapy or pursuing much self-help. I have a lot of compassion for this guy, he's had a tough life in many ways. My challenge is that whenever we talk about this stuff, he points the finger at other people or situations. He's quick to blame his bosses for not recognizing his talent, for making it hard for him to shine, at women, for not giving guys like him a chance, for being self-interested, even at his own body, his old injuries that prevent him from working out and fatigue that keeps him stuck.

23:08No matter what I say, no matter how many opportunities or ideas I propose. He always has a reason why he can't work on things. I don't want to give up on this guy. I know he has it in him to change, but I'm struggling to help him see his life in a new way without being mean or dismissive. How do you help someone see how they're blaming everyone else for their problems? And why do capable people do this in the first place when it only keeps them stuck? Signed, wondering if I should linger while my friend keeps pointing fingers. Man, such a good question and kind of one of my favorite topics recently.

23:41This blaming thing, it's a very normal human tendency. We all have it to some degree. It's a quality I even notice in myself sometimes, I think. But it's also extremely limiting, sometimes even dangerous. And learning to break out of it, it's so extremely important. I can't really overstate it. As you're seeing with your friend, the stakes here can be whether you get the life you want or just settle for the life that you get. So look, the empathy you have for your friend, it's beautiful. It's important. it's deserved. I really appreciate that you can hang on to it even when you get really frustrated with this guy.

24:12So my first big piece of advice is hang on to that compassion because it's one of your best qualities and it's also something that your friend probably needs to feel in order to take your advice. When we feel misunderstood or dismissed it can be really hard to be helped, to get feedback, and to be empathized with. That's a very powerful combination. My second thought is something I've noticed about people who struggle to advance in life or make progress on their goals they almost always have this tendency to blame other people. They usually don't focus on what they can control. They fixate on all the things that they can't control.

24:47So instead of saying, all right, my boss won't give me a promotion, but I can initiate this project over here on my own and show them that I can do it, or I can spend my free nights and weekends getting this cert and doing that class and go apply for other jobs or whatever the move is. Instead of that, they sit there going, my boss won't give me a shot and the company's rigged against me and no one's on my side and the economy sucks, whatever the narrative might be. Or instead of going, all right, my shoulder's a little bit messed up. I can't lift weights in certain ways, but I can still do squats.

25:12I can still do abs. I can diet. I can go for walks like it's April 2020. I can do PT exercises on YouTube. Instead of that, they'll go, oh, my body's screwed. I can't do anything. What's the point? I'm old now. This is the new me. And that's why it's important to stay connected to your empathy, because there's obviously something in this guy's history that made him feel the need to stay safe. And who knows why that is? Parents, childhood, trauma, cultural beliefs, whatever it is, it's really hard to rewrite that stuff. It's not impossible, but it is hard. And by the way, people who have a tendency to blame others for things they did, I find that they also blame other people for things they didn't do that nobody can control.

25:55So when something happens at work that nobody could have prevented, or someone accidentally injures them, or some huge force like the economy, or the weather, or society gets in the way of their goals, they lash out at those people too. These are kind of two sides of the same coin. In both ways, they avoid taking agency, they give it all away. This is really the adult version of the teacher hates me, and that's why I got a bad grade, right? Instead of trying to figure out why the proverbial teacher might hate them, if the proverbial teacher hates them at all, they do the opposite. They retreat, they justify, they defend, or they shut down.

26:28And that's what it sounds like your friend sometimes does too. And again, obviously that pattern exists for a reason. To you, it looks like a way to remain stuck. And by the way, it is. But actually, it's also a way to stay safe because it can be really hard and very vulnerable to confront all of your challenges, all of your rationalizations and excuses and bullshit and go, okay, I'm actually just lying to myself. I'm making excuses. I can go and do this thing. And that's why otherwise capable people can fall into this trap. So the best way to help people like this is validate their struggles and then just gently invite them to look at this quality.

27:05When your friend points the finger at other people or refuses to take ownership for stuff, you could say something like, yeah, man, I hear that your boss is not being the most supportive. That sucks. I get it. I get it. I know how hard that is. I wish he see what I see in you. I also think there are options to advance your career here that don't require him to give you a shot. You want to talk about some of those things? And if he's like, you don't get it. The whole company is against me. This place sucks. No one's hiring right now. Yada, yada, yada. Which I gather that's kind of what your friend's doing.

27:33And this is not your first conversation with him. Then maybe you work up to saying something like, listen, man, I've heard you talk a lot about the things standing in your way. I know that those obstacles are significant. I know how hard it can be to keep going when you feel stuck. But I'm starting to get the sense that you might not want to explore some of the options you do have, which I'm really excited about and which I think you might find really exciting too. I get the sense that it's a little hard to talk about the ways that you might also be contributing to these situations by only focusing on the people and situations holding you back.

28:05Are you seeing that too or is it just me? And then invite them to talk. And you got to be patient here as always because you might have to move slowly. It might take some doing. For you, this is easy, right? You're not him. You can see the solution. You don't have the challenges he has. For him, this is really daunting. He's the one who has to shift his entire worldview, his mental models, tap into inner resources he might not have. So again, your compassion, your empathy, your patience, those are going to be key. Crucial. Absolutely. Yeah. And at that point, it's up to him to decide if he wants to talk about this stuff, if he wants to look at things in a new way, if he shows any willingness to engage, even if it's kind of tentative or vague, I think that's a great sign.

28:45And I would validate that and I would encourage it and I would make it safe for him to confront some of these rationalizations of his with you. And then over time, maybe you gently encourage him to start considering some new avenues, some next steps, maybe even with you, like with the gym thing, you know, you invite him to come for a workout and then invite him to come for a second workout. Or if it's about showing up at work in a new way or moving his body for a few minutes a day on his own, however he can, or talking about himself more often, whatever it is, considering new ideas, if he doesn't show any interest, or if he turns around and points the finger at you as one more person who's getting in his way, which I don't know if he would, but he might, then I would say, okay, I hear you.

29:23I get it. I can see that this is hard to talk about. Maybe you're a little frustrated with me for bringing it up. That's okay. But if you ever want to revisit this, if you want to try things in a new way, I believe in you. I think there's a way to put yourself on a path to the things that you want. And when you're ready, I'm here. Yeah, that's a very powerful thing to hear from a friend. It's not, all right, screw you. I tried to help and you're just hopeless. You're a mess. It's, I can see you're not ready. I'm going to respect that, but I'm also not going anywhere. Exactly. At that point, it's up to him to come back to you.

29:51Maybe he does. I hope he does, but also maybe he doesn't. And then he's choosing to handle his life the way he wants to, and you got to back off and respect it. Right. And as we always talk about, that's his journey. I love that you want to help your friend. He's really lucky to have you looking out for him. And I hope he can take in your help when he's ready. Good luck. Gabe, it's so frustrating to be around these people. This person has more patience than me. I don't know if I really have the patience to deal with somebody like that. Maybe it's just this phase of life. You know, maybe when I was in my 20s and 30s, I would have been like, come on, man, you can do it.

30:22Now I'm kind of like next, you know, we're too old for this. But it's interesting because I also do see this quality in you sometimes. Like we've had conversations like this. When you were a coach, you were like this, right? You would work with people and stick with them over a long period of time while they worked on some of their challenges. So that's true. But I feel like a lot of those people were willing to work on those challenges and you'd tell them something and they go, oh my God, that's awesome. Yeah, I'm totally going to use that. And they like write it down. They wouldn't be like, I can't do it because of this.

30:46It's like you break through that. But if it takes more than a few days, I'm just kind of like, yeah, that's true. There's a difference between resistance on the way to asking for the help that you're ready to receive and just fighting it off from the very beginning. Yes, exactly. I just don't have friends like this anymore. I mean, sure, there's people that are probably like, oh, I wish I could lose weight. And I'm like, yeah, you got to weigh your food and get a trainer. And they're like, oh, that sounds like a lot of work. And I'm like, I get it. You know, I did that, too. And let me know when you're ready to learn how to do this, because that's what works.

31:15That's different than somebody just like constantly whining to me. And then also doesn't take it. I just couldn't handle that. It's like, do something about it. Damn it. For sure. It's a spectrum. I agree. Exactly. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If your partner's been accused of abuse, you can't entirely disprove. You're trying to leave a dangerous relationship with a textbook narcissist, or you just lost a friend to suicide and you're raging at the doctors who failed him. Sad story from last week, Gabe.

31:44Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, Weebitwiser. Weebitwiser is the name of the clever name of our Wednesday newsletter. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode delivered right to your inbox. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes, it's a quick read. We try to keep it under two minutes. I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right. What's next? Hey, Gabe and Jordan. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

32:15Gabe and Jordan. What's this nonsense? I had a feeling that you were not going to like that. What the heck? My, the raging narcissist I mentioned earlier as me. It was so interesting to hear that because I was like, that doesn't sound right. And I was like, what's wrong with that? No, that's our names. Wait a minute. They're in the wrong order. That's what my brain just did. I don't think anybody's ever done that before. It doesn't happen very often, but yeah. Leave it though. It's unique. This guy put the dongle first. The dongle first. Interesting move. Power move. Continue. I've been working full-time hourly for a restaurant for a little over a month now, and just recently found out I would not be paid extra for overtime.

32:50Based on the limited research which I did, it seems that it's illegal not to pay overtime for hours worked over 40 hours per week in my home state of Texas. I spoke to my boss, the owner, about the issue again tonight and informed him I would not be working overtime if I will not be paid for it, seeing as how it's illegal. He said that this will not change and that if this is the case, I'm not the right fit for the job. I didn't expect this response, so I further explained that I would expect this issue to be resolved within two weeks or I would report the company to the Texas Labor Board. His response was, Texas is an at-will state, so your employment is terminated immediately.

33:27Turn in your uniforms and pick up your last check. Unfortunately, I don't have any of this in writing as the two meetings were face-to-face. I'm thinking that I should send him and his business partner an email stating that after I brought up unpaid overtime, I was fired, so I have something in writing for the labor board. But a few people have told me that this might open me up to legal action. Is that the case? Would you recommend sending this email or not? Signed, looking for the key to get even, see, with the guy who screwed me out of my hard-earned OT. Oh, that was, eh. You didn't like that.

33:59Nah, not your best work. It was like, it almost hit, but didn't quite. Exactly. This situation does suck, though. As you know, we're usually big fans of going above and beyond your job description and helping out where you can, although that usually applies to more corporate environments. In a setting like this where your boss is telling you to stay beyond your normal work hours to wash dishes and take out the trash or whatever, that is objectively exploitative. It's not cool. First of all, yes, under the Fair Labor Standards Act, employees who work more than 40 hours in a work week must receive overtime pay at a rate of 1.5 times their regular hourly wage, unless they're exempt employees, like if they're executives.

34:34That applies at both the federal and state levels, including in Texas. You worked for a restaurant. You were an hourly employee, so you're almost certainly not exempt, which means you should have been paid OT. So this employer does seem to be in violation of the law based on what you've shared. Now, Texas is in fact an at-will employment state. That means that employers can terminate employees for any reason or for no reason, as long as the reason is not illegal. So terminating you because you questioned illegal employment practices, like not paying overtime, that could potentially be considered retaliation under the law.

35:08My totally unofficial take as a former attorney who did not specialize in employment law is if you could show that your termination was a direct result of bringing up unpaid overtime, you might have grounds for a complaint to your state, possibly a claim for wrongful termination. So yeah, sending a brief email to this guy, that would almost certainly be helpful in documenting your experience. You mentioned that you don't have anything in writing about these conversations. That's okay. That's pretty typical. But creating that paper trail can become crucial evidence if you ever decide to file a complaint or take legal action.

35:38Basically, I would shoot this guy a note saying, Dear dude, I wanted to follow up in writing regarding our recent discussions about overtime pay and my termination. As you know, I've been working full-time at restaurant for the past month and recently brought up concerns about not being compensated for overtime hours worked in accordance with Texas law and the Fair Labor Standards Act. During our conversation on, you know, date, whatever date that was, I raised this concern and on whatever date the second conversation took place, you informed me that my employment was terminated immediately. I'm writing to confirm the reason for my termination and to request that my final paycheck include any overtime pay that may be owed to me under state and federal law.

36:14Thank you for your attention to this matter. That's it. Keep it focused on the facts. Keep it profesh. No inflammatory language. No accusations. Even if he doesn't respond, you'll at least be creating a written record of the events, which is key. And no, generally speaking, sending an email like this is not inherently risky, nor is it likely to open you up to legal action. If anything, documentation supports your case. The only way a letter like this could open you up to risk is if you get heated and belligerent and escalate things because then an employer could perceive it as defamation or harassment, but you're not going to do that.

36:44And look, if you choose not to send this email or you do and your old boss doesn't respond, you have two main options. One, file a wage claim. You can do that with the Texas Workforce Commission or with the U.S. Department of Labor. I might just do both. Option two, file a retaliation claim. If you believe you were terminated for raising legal concerns about unpaid overtime, you might have grounds for a retaliation claim under the FLSA, But you need to talk to an attorney about that. And candidly, because you worked there for only a month, you didn't accrue a ton of OT. I'm not sure that it's worth your energy.

37:16So start with the wage claim and go from there. You know, if you'd worked with this place for a year or something, it starts to add up fast. Either way, though, you should definitely gather as much evidence as you can. Pay stubs, schedules, any written communications related to this issue, your emails to this guy, all of that. And include that with the wage claim if you can. There should be a way to do that if you do this online. I think that's going to bolster your case a lot. Yeah, I think so. My hope is that this guy at least gets a notice or phone call from the Texas Workforce Commission going, hey, did you fire someone for asking about overtime?

37:46I hope it scares him so much he stops being a top shelf a-hole. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks to be fired. It was probably a little scary, but good on you for standing up for yourself. There's a difference between being a team player with a cool boss and being exploited by a manipulative one who is breaking the law. And I'm glad you got out of there before you accrued too much overtime. that would never be paid out. Part of me kind of wishes you had accrued a bunch of OT at 1.5 extra rate so that he'd have to get investigated and pay you out while defending a lawsuit that he brought upon himself.

38:15That's always so sweet. So maybe next time, work even harder while getting screwed by your dickhead boss. I'm gonna pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I'm playing. It's way better for you to just keep moving forward and leave this guy in the rear view mirror. I am glad you got out relatively unscathed. Good luck. But you know what you get to take advantage of now? the deals and discounts on the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our sponsors.

38:47All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are all in one place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can also use our AI chatbot to search for the codes. Super handy, jordanharbinger.com slash AI. If that doesn't work for some reason, you can always email me. I'll dig up the code for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I married and had a child with a man who, in short, is a covert narcissist with violent tendencies. He'd punch walls, throw objects when upset, and disparage my family and friends.

39:24Everything was my fault. He'd belittle me in public, sometimes in front of family and friends, and on two occasions our arguments turned physical. I'm not proud at all for my actions. There's no excuse for violence. Worst of all though, this happened in front of my son, who I'll call Christopher. Walking on eggshells every day and living in perpetual dread was taking a serious toll on me. I was not a present mother and worried about raising Christopher in this harmful environment. My therapist advised me that if I thought about leaving, now would be the time while Christopher was still young. He was two years old at the time.

39:59After months of crying and knowing I was going to die miserable, I decided to file for divorce. My son's dad and I now share 50-50 physical and legal custody. When Christopher was three, I started dating a man I'll call John, who I saw a future with. To be respectful to Christopher's dad, I informed him about John, and it sent him into a tailspin so severe that my attorney filed an emergency ex parte order that allowed Christopher to be with me full-time. These orders lasted a year until he was able to prove that he was mentally stable enough to care for our son. Since then, Christopher's dad has done everything possible to undermine me and John, saying things to Christopher like, he's not your real dad.

40:40When John helped coach Christopher's basketball team, his dad stopped taking him, saying to him that basketball's not for you, or it's a waste of the team's time when you're there. John and I are careful not to criticize Christopher's dad to him, even when Christopher starts becoming defiant towards John. It's taken many open and honest conversations with him to work through the ordeal somewhat. Christopher is now 11, and his dad is remarried with kids. Details have emerged about his dad verbally abusing his stepmom, punching walls, slamming doors, throwing objects, and, most recently, hitting her.

41:12She also hit him back. Christopher has two younger siblings, ages 3 and 1, and all of this happens in front of them as well. Oh man, this is so sad. Those poor kids. This guy's out of control. His dad manipulates Chris, threatens to disown or take away his phone, his computer, etc. whenever he expresses views that counter his, and has asked him to keep multiple road rage incidents a secret from me, just to name a few alarming incidents. Christopher has expressed being fearful that one day his dad will get so mad at him that he'll hit him. Everything he tells me is prefaced with, can you not tell dad I told you?

41:45His stepmom is also less than loving. According to my son, she fat shames him and mocks him when he protests. Christopher has asked me on a few occasions what I would do if he ran away from his dad's to live with me, but then he'll retract his question saying he can't leave his younger sister and brother. Until now, I've been trying to help him as best I can to cope, talking about his feelings and taking him to therapy. But I feel heartbroken and helpless as I watch my son become unhappier by the day. My intuition tells me to do all I can to get my son out of his dad's house, but emotional abuse is hard to prove.

42:22CPS has already visited once and nothing came from it, not to mention the strong likelihood of his dad lashing out at him as soon as I file for new orders. I don't feel I can wait until Christopher is 14 when the courts will take his living preferences more seriously. Do I continue helping in the ways I have been, or do I take more aggressive action, knowing Christopher will definitely suffer as he'll be caught in the middle and likely not see his siblings anymore? signed looking for a hack to have my son's back when there could be serious blowback. Man, what a heartbreaking story. I really feel for you and for Christopher.

42:56Your ex, look, the guy has obviously some serious problems. Otherwise, he wouldn't cause so much pain and chaos, but he really does sound like a very hurtful, petty, dangerous person. You're in an incredibly tough position here. Whatever decision you make, there will be some really unfortunate consequences, and that sucks. I'm just not sure you can totally win here. But first off, I just want to commend you for getting out of this marriage in the first place. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. You've been incredibly courageous and decisive here. You've protected your son as best you can.

43:30You've gotten him therapy. You've helped him work through his feelings. You've even managed to avoid bad-mouthing his dad, which must be so tempting, and which would be warranted to some degree. You sound like a pretty great mom. You're doing so much right here. Second, I'm obviously very concerned about how Christopher's dad treats him, the stuff he's exposed to when he's at his house. This guy's verbally abusing his new wife. He's punching walls. He's slamming doors. He's throwing stuff around. Now he's hitting her and she's hitting him. Christopher and his siblings are just sitting there watching all of this play out.

44:00And Christopher's literally afraid that one day his dad will get so mad that he will hit him. This is not okay. This is damaging for those kids. I also know that when a child starts asking about running away from a parent's house when he's bringing this up with you and then he's kind of walking it back. That's a huge red flag. Yeah. I'm guessing he's in pretty deep distress if he's saying this to you. And it breaks my heart all over again that at his age, he feels he needs to stay at his dad's to protect his siblings. My strong feeling is that something has to change here. So my take is, yes, of course, keep helping him in the ways that you have been.

44:32Keep taking Christopher to therapy. Keep being there for him. Be a safe space for him. Remind him that he can talk to you about anything. Tell him that he's worthy of your love and protection, that his father's behavior is not a reflection on him or of him, that none of this is his fault. I have a strong feeling that you're already doing all this, but just I want to call it out because I think it's crucial for him to hear that right now. And when he says things like, don't tell dad, I would let him know that you'll protect his privacy as much as possible, but that your main priority is keeping him safe.

45:03And I would also continue documenting every incident Christopher shares with you. Every comment, every threat, every instance of road rage, dates, times, specifics. This record is going to be invaluable if you ever have to meet with the police or CPS again, or you decide to revisit the custody arrangement in court. It's going to be so much better when you come in with a Google spreadsheet that is a year long and there's 400 incidents on there than it is if you're like, well, he does all these things. And they're like, okay, sure. Also, I know emotional abuse is hard to prove, but in some states like California, if a child as witnessing severe domestic violence and it's causing emotional and behavioral consequences like being scared and wanting to run away, I believe that is also reportable.

45:43Yes, I think that's true and I would not be surprised if that's true in many, if not most states. I would also encourage Christopher to share as much as he can with his therapist. You know, remind him that he can always tell the therapist exactly what's going on at dad's house. If dad ever got abusive with him or actually abusive with anyone in the house, that might be enough to force his therapist to report it to CPS again. Actually, Gabe, I'm kind of shocked that his therapist hasn't reported this already, assuming they know what's going on at home. I am too a little bit. If they did, no, I have to imagine that they would be advocating pretty hard for Chris and possibly his siblings to be removed from the home, or at least for somebody to go over there and check it out.

46:20So sharing as much as possible with his therapist, that might be one good way to hold his dad accountable and or get Christopher out of the house without being the obvious bad guy. You might also be able to chat with Christopher's therapist directly and get their opinion on how he's doing right now and what else you could be doing. Now, this is a little bit ambiguous because Christopher is a minor. So his therapist might talk to you at a high level about what's going on with him, as opposed to, you know, with an adult where there's much more confidentiality. But it's usually within certain parameters, like if there's some kind of risky behavior or there's a risk of self-harm or harm to others or certain other agreed upon topics.

46:56So it depends on what the constraints of his therapy are with his therapist. And just FYI, we quickly talked to a therapist friend of ours about this, and she said that if she were Chris's therapist, she would also consider talking to Chris about talking to you, and maybe even bringing you in for a session, and brainstorm ways to best support Chris, help him find whatever sense of power he can in the situation, come up with a safety plan if dad ever starts acting up again, whether it's going to a neighbor's house or having some contacts in his phone he can call if things get really bad, stuff like that, as well as your options with CPS and with the custody stuff.

47:28So, on that note, about taking more aggressive action, this is tricky. On one hand, Christopher's exposure to this emotional and potential physical abuse, obviously extremely concerning. On the other hand, a custody battle could escalate the situation. It could create even more abuse and dysfunction and distress. But from where I'm sitting, Christopher needs protection. He deserves protection. And this house that he's spending half his time in just doesn't sound very healthy or safe to me. So you might want to consider talking with your lawyer and seeing what your options are. I wonder if you guys could request a custody evaluation, given how his dad and his stepmom are behaving these days.

48:05I also wonder if the court could take Christopher's wishes into account even sooner. I believe this varies by jurisdiction, but the age at which a court takes a minor's preferences into account is usually like 12 to 14 years old. So Christopher could be less than a year away from having at least some kind of say in his living situation. In some cases, children younger than 12 can still express their preferences, although the court might focus more on what it deems to be in the child's best interest in terms of stability, safety, well-being, but your arguments could help sway that as well. You might want to also look into getting a guardian ad litem, basically a third party appointed by the court who advocates for a child's welfare and provides the court with an objective assessment of their needs and circumstances.

48:45Could be really useful while Chris is still young. I also wonder if there are some legal protections you could put in place if his dad retaliates in any way. I don't know, supervised visitation, modifying the custody agreement. I mean, if things get really bad, potentially a restraining order or an emergency custody motion, there are options here. Because let's not forget that your son has told you he's afraid that one day his dad will get so mad at him that he'll hit him. That's extremely concerning. And while I hope that never comes to pass, I also don't want you to feel like you have to wait for something really bad to happen before you can intervene.

49:17So if Christopher's dad ever makes any indications that he would hurt Christopher, I would notify CPS again. CPS can intervene if there are credible threats of physical violence against a child, even if no actual physical harm has occurred yet. I also think it's worth mentioning to them that he's putting multiple kids in dangerous and harmful situations here. It's not just Chris. Good point. Again, your documentation will be key there. And I know that you don't want to separate him from his half-siblings. I'd hate for that to happen too. but I also think you really need to make Christopher the priority here.

49:50Yes. If there's a world where his relationship with his siblings takes a hit because you protect him from his dad, that might be a trade-off that you need to make. It's heartbreaking, but it might be necessary. As they grow up, they can try and repair that relationship. I'd encourage that as much as possible, but I am just not sure that I'd allow my child to remain in a dangerous home because I wanted to make sure that he and his half-siblings stay close at all costs. Christopher has to be your top priority because he's your child. And if it ever does come to living apart from his siblings, you might have to tolerate him being upset with you for a little bit.

50:22I know it sucks, but my strong feeling is that it's better for him to be upset with you now than to potentially stay in that house and become dad's new punching bag. At the end of the day, your goal is to protect Christopher while also minimizing the drama and instability. That's a very delicate balance. I do not envy the position that you're in, but you've been doing a pretty amazing job here. Just keep a close eye on your son. Keep taking it one step at a time. don't be afraid to seek help from professionals when you need it. He's lucky to have at least one great parent in this situation. I hope he gets to determine his living situation as soon as possible and that he gets out of dad's house relatively unscathed.

50:56Sending you both a big hug and wishing you all the best. And listen, while we're on the topic of narcissistic partners and domestic abuse, I wanted to share a thought on the letter we took a couple weeks back from the woman who had escaped an abusive relationship. She stood up to her narcissistic husband who had been beating her and got out of a very dangerous situation before she potentially died. That was episode 1059, by the way, last segment on the episode. So a lot of people wrote to us after that episode saying, wow, what an amazing letter, what a remarkable woman, good for her, which is more or less Gabe in my take too, that this woman was insanely courageous in standing up to her abuser and leaving.

51:30A few of you also pointed out in the subreddit and by email that in cheering on our friend from afar, we glossed over a really important point, which is that these situations are highly risky and that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when they are leaving their abuser. And this is absolutely correct. I just wanted to flag that because I think we got so caught up in the drama of that woman's story. And frankly, we were so friggin proud of her for turning her life around that we didn't stop and appreciate that her story could have gone very differently. And also that her story isn't necessarily a textbook perfect strategy for leaving an abusive relationship, although I still feel it's deeply inspiring.

52:07I hope it gives other people in similar situations the hope and resolve that they need to safely leave their dangerous relationships. Anyway, we've talked about the fact that the most dangerous time for domestic violence victims is when they leave. We've talked about that in other Feedback Friday episodes about abuse, but it's a fair critique. And just thank you to those listeners who reached out to remind us of this very important point. I wanted to share that while we're here. No, it's a super important point. And we did gloss over it a little bit in that response. It's funny. I was thinking about that letter to Jordan the last couple of weeks.

52:33And the other thing I think we glossed over is that the woman in that story might have had a couple advantages that many other victims don't have. If I recall correctly, she secretly bought a house and put it in her name. And that was part of how she was able to leave that guy and step right into her own life, which is amazing. But obviously not all victims have the money to go and buy a house on their own or even to rent an apartment on their own. And that is a tragic reality of a lot of these situations. It is heartbreaking to me that money is oftentimes what keeps people disempowered and stuck in these awful situations, but it is the reality.

53:07So I guess I want to flag that as something we also might've glossed over. It doesn't take away from how brave our friend had to be to stand up to that guy. And hey, if she earned that money and she managed it well, and she had the conviction to go use it to keep herself safe, that is massively impressive as well. But not every victim has that privilege. And I just want to appreciate that. Yeah, that's a very fair point as well. It sucks, but the reality is that some people can more easily afford, so to speak, to be brave. And obviously certain people have advantages, whether it's money or friends or family or skills or access to other resources, but also cultivating those assets, especially strong relationships, which have little to do with money.

53:45That's part of all our jobs. Because when a crisis hits, we need to give ourselves every possible advantage. Just one more version of digging the well before you're thirsty, I suppose. All right, time for recommendation of the week. I am addicted to lit filler. My recommendation of the week is a clever hack I came up with for blasting through audiobooks. As you guys probably know, I have to read at least one book a week. Usually it's like two. So I've had to find ways of being ridiculously efficient while still retaining a ton of information. So my hack is I import raw audiobooks. So if you are on Audible, you can get a program called Open Audible.

54:24It's not free. I think there's probably a trial, but it's called Open Audible. I believe it's open source. What it does is it connects to your Audible account, and then it just downloads the audiobook files, and it can convert them to MP3 files automatically or M4A, whatever, which is kind of like an audiobook format. Then I import them into Overcast, which is an iPhone app for podcasts. But what Overcast does is it allows you to store things. If you do the Pro, which is like$10 a year, you can store files in the cloud. So I upload them to Overcast and I click trim silence. And then I listen with vocal boost, which is an equalizer setting at 3x speed or 2x speed.

55:01And so what trim the silence does, audiobooks, not only do they speak super slow, but there's tons of silence between chapters in the beginning. Overcast will basically cut that silence down like 90%. So there's still gaps and you still hear the gap, but it's not just like a five second gap between chapters. It trims all that stuff. and then it speeds it up in a smart way where it's still understandable. You can still hear what's going on. I usually start off at two and then as I get used to the narrator, I crank it up to 2.5 or 3X and I can read an eight-hour audio book in three hours. And of course, I'm pausing, I'm taking notes in my phone as I need to to prep the show, but it is a super useful way to just plow through books in a very good clip.

55:46And I'm usually walking when I do this, so I'm not distracted by most other things. So I really do get a lot done and I get some exercise. You can find Overcast in the App Store, but just FYI, I think it's only available for the iPhone. Open Audible is available on Mac and Windows. So that's a desktop application. All right. In case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show if you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes. If there was an episode you liked, an episode you hated, you wanted some additional thoughts or learn more from other people in our show, fam, come check it out.

56:14Some great conversations happening over there. You can find it over on Reddit in the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. so last week i told you guys a weird story about how i helped some parents kind of kidnap their own children back from abusive parents when i was a teenager in the 90s and i'd kind of forgotten about that chapter in my life but then gabe reminded me that i never really explained how i got caught up in this weird off the books work with these detroit cops makes no sense to me like how did this happen this is some movie ish this is like peak 90s detroit police department stuff where there was just like no rules.

56:47This is like the wire kind of, but like Detroit version. Please explain. So this reminded me of yet another crazy story that I had to share with you guys. So here goes another bizarre young Jordan tale that probably almost got me killed or altered my life permanently. So when I was in high school, I worked for this crazy security company. This company did security for clubs around town, buildings in the area, downtown Detroit. And this company took it upon themselves to secure the whole area. So they would citizen arrest drug dealers. A lot of these guys had warrants. We just see these guys, chase them down, tackle them, handcuff them, and then bring them to the police station or call the cops and have them pick them up.

57:23And they would probably take credit for the arrest, but we didn't care because like whatever, get this violent criminal off the streets. This is like a white hat militia. Yeah, it actually was kind of a white hat militia in a way now that I think about it, because it was just like a bunch of dudes who were sort of playing vigilante in a lot of ways. And it was pretty awesome, especially if you're a teenager. So through that work, I met a lot of cops. some were Detroit cops some were in gang squad some of them were working with us too so like I don't even know if this is legal but cops would be off duty and then they'd be like oh I want to make 25 bucks an hour doing security under the table so they would hang out at the clubs with us and it was like when it was convenient for them to be a cop they were a cop and when it wasn't convenient for them to be a cop they were just working security with us I definitely they'd have their badge and their gun but it would be like oh but I'm just working I don't know definitely probably not allowed.

58:12It was a shady gray area. Probably not allowed. Yeah. So these dudes are always like, oh man, you should come hang out with us more. Dude, you should join gang squad. And I was like, I'm 16. And they're like, yeah, we need young people because we're combating gangs. Young people aren't gangs, man. It's the shit. You get to carry a gun. And of course I was like, that's awesome. And I never ended up formally joining because of course there's all this stuff that you actually have to do, but they were like, don't worry about it. You can still work with us a little bit. So I remember like getting in the car and hanging out with the gang squad guys and like going to eat with them and stuff.

58:40But then there was more, right? So one of the things they actually had me do, I had the week off. So I had like spring break or some sort of break. And it was not the same break as Detroit schools had. So I went to work a bunch and they were like, oh, you don't have to go to school. Go to this school. And it is a public Detroit high school. Go there this week, make friends with certain people and just try to buy drugs from them. So I did. I did that. They turned you into an undercover narcotics like plant. Basically. Yeah. Wow. But like with very little training in how to handle this. And what was even more weird is the teachers were so this is so sad.

59:202020 hindsight, but the teachers were so burned out that they were just kind of like, whatever. You knew kids not on my list. They weren't like, get out of here because I wasn't disruptive. Right. So they were like, whatever. If you're going to like pay attention and interact in class, I'll straighten out with the principal later. I'm sure I'll get your forms later, whatever it was. I just showed up. I bet you were an excellent student. You know what's funny? I was. I was like, guys, be quiet. This is interesting. And then I would explain stuff to them. And the teacher's like, thank you, Jordan.

59:44Everyone's copying your homework. Meanwhile, you're like, can you sell me a dime bag? Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get like illegal prescription drugs from the class clown. So I remember my spiel was like, OK, I moved here from West Bloomfield. It's a wealthy suburb. I go back there all the time. I don't live there. Like, of course, I didn't really live in West Bloomfield. that was kind of near where I was from. And I was like, look, I'm looking for a connect. My friends can sell it over there. We can make so much money. And these kids, they were super into that, of course. So they sold me the drugs and I bought it with the money that the cops gave me.

1:00:15And I was like, hey, can you give me a ride back to my car to the kids who sold me the drugs? And it was parked a few blocks away. And on the way to the car, the cops pulled us over and arrested all of us. And the drug dealers thought I was just another kid getting caught up in this bust. Oh, wow. So a cop puts me in a squad car alone and then just later drops me off at my car like several hours later. left your car. Wow. That's so cinematic. Yeah. They left my car there for like five or six hours. I'm like, am I going to get towed? And they're like, don't worry. Uh, you don't, what you don't want to do is walk back to your car.

1:00:43Yeah. You're don't worry about the tickets. Yeah. And they're like, if you get a ticket, cause we'll take care of it. But like it's Detroit. So you didn't get a ticket. And I just, I thought it would be fun to bust drug dealers. And it was exciting. Of course, now I have a very different lens on drug charges and who the police target. By the way, these kids were not selling meth or anything. This is mostly weed. I think there might have been some other stuff, but it was like Adderall. It wasn't like, you know, something super, super hard. Here's the thing, though. There was no paperwork for any of this stuff.

1:01:11I didn't file any forms. I wasn't hired. I didn't get paid. Only as an adult just recently, 2020 hindsight, do I realize this was almost certainly some kind of, I don't know if vendetta is the right word, But I think these cops knew that those kids were drug dealers and they just had like no evidence and they had no will from whatever to do an actual undercover operation. So they basically just sent me this unknown kid to go nail them. And I was used as a pawn because then it's just like, yeah, we pulled this car over for an improper lane change and look, we found all these drugs. And then they probably just didn't write my name in the arrest report.

1:01:48This is the definition of an off the books, confidential informant slash plant. 100%. But you had no coverage. There was nothing protecting you. No, that's the thing. If anything had gone sideways, if we'd been arrested by other cops or something, or I got hurt because somebody started, I don't know, shooting, or they decided they became suspicious of me, there would have been no record that I was working with the police at all. So shady. So shady. So my boss at the security company found out and he was like, you did what with those guys? He's like, never do that again. Even though he worked with some of those guys and he told them, he's like, do not have, Jordan is not doing this crap with you guys.

1:02:21Do not do this. Yeah, he works for my militia. Right, he works for my militia, not yours. Not the one where you actually have badges. So there was, man, there was so much shady stuff going on with these cops. Another example, I'll keep it quick. In the residential buildings that the company did security for, we would open the doors of the apartments of the known drug dealers in the building because we worked for the landlord. So basically we just like wait until we knew that they weren't home or thought they weren't home. And the cops would just go in there and go ham because the cops can't kick down the door.

1:02:49They don't have a warrant. But if it's like the landlord opens the door and is like, I see drugs out on the table and there's weapons. One day we walked into an apartment. TV was still on. Random drugs and paraphernalia on the table. Not like being used, but being counted. So bags, scale, whatever. There's a Mac 10, which I'd never seen in real life, which is like a shitty like gangster pistol. They found a bunch of drugs, a bunch of money. And I will never forget this. The cops, we all had cargo pants on, including the cops. They just shoved the cash in their pockets and took the drugs. and with the weed, they made everyone take some of the weed, including me.

1:03:22I was like, why are they giving me weed? I don't want this. They're like, take it, take it, take it. And then afterwards I was like, why are they so insistent that I take the weed? Don't they want the weed? I'm going to throw it away. And they were like, no, if everyone takes it, everyone is equally culpable. Oh my God. So I was like, I don't want this. My boss was like, no, everybody who got weed in their pocket, throw it away now and wash your uniform because we don't want a bud in your pocket when you're, you know, when the drug dogs come to our club tomorrow, you know, they're going to sniff you guys.

1:03:50You're going to get searched by the cops. Like, get rid of all of this. So I remember we were all like in the office, basically like stripping and turning our pants over. So all the little buds and seeds would fall out and we'd have vacuumed the floor. This is just such ridiculous nonsense. So my boss didn't complain or anything. Some of these cops moonlighted for the security company, like I said, in the security company and the cops, we had this kind of cozy-ish relationship and the security company wanted the drug dealers out of the neighborhood. So everybody kind of had an incentive to play along.

1:04:17And it is I'm so lucky I did not get shot when I was younger. Yes, this is insane. You are describing stuff that's literally in the wire, but happening to a 16 year old kid who's going to school and being normal. That's so crazy. How do you get yourself into these situations? You know, also that precinct ended up getting I don't want to say shut down, but I remember there was just big corruption investigations going on. I'm sure. And I told my boss about it because I saw it in the newspaper and he was like, yeah, it's about time. He's like, that precinct is crazy corrupt. Because sometimes we would arrest drug dealers and the cops would come and they would never, we'd see him again a day later.

1:04:53And they'd be like, yeah, they didn't even take me in. And we're like, wait, wait, what? And we'd call and they'd be like, oh, yeah, nobody booked him. It's like, so they let him go. Why would they let a drug dealer go that they were looking for that's wanted? Oh, he probably had$500 in his pocket and he gave it to them and they let him go. I am sure that what you saw was the tip of the iceberg. Yes, crazy. So go back and check out Mike Feldstein on air quality and our skeptical Sunday on squatters if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know, like, and trust.

1:05:23I am teaching you how to build that same thing for free on the Thinkific platform over at 6minutenetworking.com. The drills take a few minutes a day. Really got to dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. We talked about that earlier in the show here. Again, at 6minutenetworking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website. advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One.

1:05:55My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. besides you just heard that story. My judgment is terrible. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time.

1:06:23Ever wondered if that super self-centered person is just really into themselves or is actually a narcissist? Join us on episode 246 as Wendy Beharie, the author of Disarming the Narcissist, dives into how to tell the difference, why it seems like narcissism is on the rise, and how it shows up differently in guys and gals. The malignant narcissist has often referred to someone who may be tipping the edge of psychopathy or sociopathy, where they're almost a little too much relishing in the pleasure of power and bringing pain to someone else as a form of their power and their specialness. Someone who is just in that most severe category.

1:07:02And again, you can picture them scheming in ways that bring pleasure just from the pain that it's creating for another person. And that's more in the psychopathic realm. It can also, but not always, include abuse in the form of physical violence, sexual assault, sexual acting out, emotional abuse. Different from what I think of as classic narcissism, where they'll hurt you. They can be very insulting and demeaning and controlling and threatening, but the motivational driver isn't hurt. They don't want to hurt. What they want to do is protect themselves, defend their egos, and they'll do whatever it takes to make that happen, including hurting you, feeling entitled to act out without any remorse.

1:07:49Entitlement really captures it almost like the hallmark trait of narcissism. narcissism. They feel incredibly entitled to say what, do what, act as if under any conditions, no matter what, they always have a justification for their sense of entitlement to do as they please. For some solid tips on handling narcissists and why a little narcissism might not be such a bad thing for you, check out episode 246 on The Jordan Harbinger Show.

1:08:20This episode is sponsored in part by Conspirituality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling New Age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy-mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspirituality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

1:08:52An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which if you listen to the show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspirituality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics. Find Conspirituality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.