1078: House Repairs Laggin' While He's Off the Wagon | Feedback Friday

21:56She doesn't want him to experience the shame of having fallen off the wagon, of having failed her over and over again, of disappointing her. She also doesn't want to compromise the connection they do have by pressing the issue. Totally. But like she said, maybe he should be ashamed. Right. Which is a really good observation. I mean, that shame might be appropriate and healthy to some degree, and perhaps an essential part of his recovery. Right, she's doing a lot of gymnastics and self-censorship here to help him avoid confronting how badly he's compromised her, disappointed her, and kind of dishonored their love for each other.

22:30And that's the problem. But, you know, by helping him avoid his shame, I think she's also kind of helping herself avoid her own. Interesting. You mean, like, the shame of admitting how much she's putting up with, maybe? Yeah, like how much she's compromised herself and sacrificed her own needs to protect this guy and maybe to secure the things that he does offer her, to your point, which might not be entirely healthy all the time. Again, to her credit, though, I think she's already onto this. She literally said, I want what's best for him and us, but now I'm wondering if I'm doing more harm than good by being patient.

23:01So to answer your question, should you just let him finish the job and consider it a lesson? Honestly, I don't know the answer. You're welcome to give him one last chance. Make it crystal clear what you expect from him and what you'll have to do if he can't get it together and manage this renovation properly. And then be prepared to make that call. I think some version of that chat is necessary. And yeah, you should absolutely consider this a lesson, but I don't think it's the lesson you have in mind. This isn't ultimately about mixing business and personal relationships. This is about how you and your partner fundamentally operate.

23:33How you guys ended up here, what you owe each other. Which isn't a lesson exactly. It's a process that she needs to be in. For sure. One that I'd love for you to bring into therapy if you're not already there, but you already know that. As for finding somebody else to complete the job so he can concentrate on his recovery, again, maybe, maybe not. It's possible that you're looking at a very long and chaotic timeline with this recovery, and you should really ask yourself if you're willing to take the hit financially if you let this drag on. I do think you have some good reasons to hire a professional, and you should not feel bad about protecting yourself financially.

24:07because at the end of the day, this is a business decision and your partner has dropped the ball. The piece I'm more interested in actually is the should I hire someone so he can concentrate on his recovery? Because here again, I think you might be doing some of his work for him. He should be the one telling you, hey, I am struggling to do this renovation and focus on my recovery. I got to get sober. So I think maybe we should talk about hiring somebody else. Or he needs to say, I got to be able to do this renovation and focus on my recovery. Can you help me figure out how? But you wondering if you should hire somebody to make this easier on him?

24:43I mean, that might in fact be helpful, but is that also one more way to prop him up? Yeah, that's a good point and something I would definitely sit with. So you have some work to do here on your own and with him. We're not saying you have to break up with this guy immediately, although candidly, I do have some concerns about whether this relationship is healthy. But if it's going to continue in a way that's fair and sustainable and truly loving, I do believe that you need to have a very honest conversation with him. And you need to go into that conversation prepared to own your part of this, the ways that you might have inadvertently enabled him over the years.

25:15And also, you got to be prepared to hurt his feelings a little bit. You're not being cruel. You're not being a bad partner. He's primarily responsible for this mess. But you're not doing anyone any favors by protecting him emotionally. That's got to stop so you guys can step into a more authentic and high-functioning relationship. And then it's up to him to decide if he wants to live up to that version of your relationship. And that's the closest thing to a dream relationship, in my opinion. One that grows and evolves and can handle more and more honesty as it operates in a healthier way. It's going to be painful at times, but I promise it can't be more dysfunctional than this.

25:53And that'll give you the data that you need to decide if you guys really are, like you said, perfect for each other. Sending you good thoughts and wishing you all the best. You know what we're happy to enable? Your addiction to the intoxicatingly good deals on the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. It is your support of our advertisers that keeps the lights on around here. All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support this podcast are all searchable and clickable over at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

26:21Please consider supporting those who support the show. Okay, back to Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I work as an entry-level interior designer at a kitchen design company. It's a niche in the interior design industry, and the designers I get to work with are amazing mentors. I'm not actively looking to find a new job, but I really, really, really want to work at a full-service residential design company. Come time, I want to ensure that I'm equipped with the necessary hard and soft skills to stand out from the competition. My plan right now is to reach out to prospective residential design companies and get some insights from the principal designer as to what those skill sets are, but I'm having trouble formulating a cordial statement and request that outlines the information I'm trying to obtain.

27:09I want to be able to have a very insightful conversation for both of us and make it memorable. Do you have any advice on what I can write or say to the other person? Signed, hoping to stand out and make my dreams pan out when I give these strangers a shout. This is so cool. I love this whole idea. And I love your mindset here, being ambitious, wanting to learn, planting these seeds early, wanting to make sure that this conversation is valuable for both you and the people that you talk to. That's always the missing piece. You're going into these chats with exactly the right spirit. So kudos to you here.

27:39So here's my take on this. In an ideal world, you would meet these folks and build a relationship before asking them for something. In this case, advice and guidance on how to build your skills for this career you want. But because you're still fairly junior and these people are more senior and you don't really know them yet, the only way to reach them would be to reach out cold. It might not always be possible to help them out or do them a solid before you ask for their time. So my advice in those situations is you got to lean into that. Be bold and direct about asking for what you want, but also be respectful and grateful.

28:11So if I were you, I'd send them an email like, Dear so-and-so, my name is hoping to stand out. I'm an entry-level interior designer at such-and-such kitchen design company, which I'm absolutely loving. I'm reaching out because I'm really excited about the work you do, and my dream is to one day work at a residential design company like yours. I want to be a great candidate when the time comes. I know that I have a lot to learn. I'm eager to start building those skills starting now. So I wanted to reach out and ask if you might be willing to share some very quick advice on the skills I should be developing, how I might pursue them either here by email or by phone if it's easier.

28:44I'm also happy to come to your office. I'll bring the coffee, whatever you're comfortable with. Zero pressure. I'm not asking for a ton of your time. Even a quick response with a few ideas would just be amazing. And the part I would include here, and this is really important, is please know that whatever advice you share with me, I will take it to heart. I will put it into action. I'm deeply passionate about our field and I'm committed to becoming the best possible designer, so your guidance would mean the world to me. Thanks so much for reading my email. Keep up the brilliant work. Something like that.

29:12Brief, heartfelt, respectful. You really can't go wrong. And then you see what you get back. You're probably not going to get a 100 % response rate. That is okay. You don't need every single person to hit you back. Even if two, three, four people hit you back with advice, I think that's huge. And then you can build the relationship from there by thanking them, by following their advice, and sharing quick updates with them from time to time, by sharing resources with them, whether it's articles or industry reports or industry gossip or just some cool ideas you came up with, I would not be surprised if some of these emails or phone calls turned into job leads in a few years.

29:48That is literally how this stuff works. And by the way, the thing I said a moment ago about how ideally you build some capital with these folks before you ask them for something, that's true, but it's not always necessary, and sometimes it's not even appropriate. I think a lot of people, especially people earlier in their careers, they just forget that being kind, being grateful, being open, actually following through on advice from more experienced people, that's its own form of value. I mean, look, I get emails from time to time from people in their 20s, people right out of college. They want advice on careers and podcasting, whether to apply to law school, whatever it is.

30:22And in a lot of cases, realistically, they are not going to do me some huge solid before they ask me for guidance. They're 22, for God's sake, right? The reason they're reaching out is literally, I'm young and I don't know what to do. So I generally don't expect much from them. But when I hear from somebody who's clearly thoughtful, they're respectful, I can see that they're gonna do something valuable with what I share with them, that's enough for me, that's the value. I don't mind kicking off a relationship on that note. So that's why I encourage people to be bold when they reach out for help from more experienced people, because if you're too shy in your request or you bury the lead, you might not get what you want.

31:00Or if you go too far the other way and pretend that you have something to offer when you don't, that often comes across as inflated and presumptuous, and that can actually work against you. So your best bet is just to be where you are and open yourself up to help in the right spirit, which is exactly what you're doing. And I promise you, the right people are gonna respond to that email. My only other thought for you is, don't be afraid to reach out to people at your level two or just a few years above you. You don't only need to learn from these senior people. I'd also reach out to people who have just made the transition that you want to make in a few years and ask them what they did.

31:34Or maybe some peers at your level who are contemplating the same moves you want to make and find out what they're doing to prepare. You don't always have to reach up in order to learn. Oftentimes you can reach laterally, sideways too. And actually sometimes sideways is even better. Like I said, I love your ambition. I love your humility. But mostly I love your attitude. I know that those things are going to serve you very well in these conversations and in your career in general. So have fun and good luck. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use descriptive subject lines.

32:04That makes our job a whole lot easier. If your grandparents smuggled an immigrant with a violent past into the country, you're struggling with your anger after a friend's suicide, or your young child just told you that their sibling coerced them into some inappropriate sexual activity, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter, Wee Bit Wiser. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you, delivered right to your inbox once a week.

32:34If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our 1 ,000-plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. Lots of engagement on these. A lot of you hitting a reply and telling us what you think. And I'm loving that. I think it's great to hear from you. I think it's a great way to get a little two-minute bite every Wednesday. But I'm a little bit biased. jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, Gabe, what's next? Hi, guys. My dad left home when I was 12 or 13 years old. Recently, he, his wife, and my half brother visited for the weekend.

33:07And at 44 years old, I'm now feeling this old wound open up again. What I find interesting is how much I hate the woman he left us for. He left because he got her pregnant. I guess that I focus all of my hurt towards her because it's easier than hating my dad, and it's so unfair to hate my half-brother. I love my dad and my brother. I blame her for him leaving us. When she talks to me, I don't want to look at her or listen. I manage pretty well to pretend to be nice, but while she's talking, I mostly think, I hate you, shut up, etc. She's not a horrible person at all, but she'll always be the woman that split up my family.

33:46Is it normal that I'm still hurting after over 30 years? Will I ever get over this? Signed, still tender and stoking the embers of my temper after a new woman entered and destroyed my family center. Oh my gosh, wow. Great question. I really appreciate your vulnerability here. I can hear that it's tough to talk about. I know it can be kind of embarrassing to find yourself in your 40s feeling upset about something that happened a long time ago. But I think that's what happens when we don't fully work through certain things until later on in life. And honestly, it can happen even when we do. These childhood wounds, you were 12 or 13 when this happened, that's such a tender age, especially when they involve a parent.

34:26They can be very painful, very deep. So I get all these feelings that you're having now. So yes, it's perfectly normal to still be hurting 30 plus years later. I would not judge yourself or beat yourself up for that. It probably feels very intense, very vulnerable. and like I said, I get why that comes with some shame. But you don't need to be ashamed. In fact, I admire you for wanting to look at this more closely now at your age, for reaching out and asking for a new angle on this. The shame can make you want to avoid an experience like this, but sitting in it, appreciating it, that'll bring you closer to the wound and ultimately closer to healing.

35:01Which brings me to your second question, will I ever get over this? My short answer is I don't know. That really depends on the process you go through around this, whether it's talking about your dad in therapy, unpacking this with your friends and your family, working through this on your own, my longer answer is, what does getting over it actually mean for you? Does it mean never feeling anything about your dad or his wife ever again? Because I don't think that's realistic. More importantly, I don't think that would even be helpful. I think the more feelings you can be in touch with around all this, the more angles on this story you have, the better.

35:34But also, does the desire to just get over something like this as opposed to engaging in some potentially uncomfortable work over a long period of time, does that itself speak to a part of you that wants to avoid having to feel those feelings around your dad and his wife in the first place? And is that part of the reason that it might have taken you a while to really confront this stuff? Well, exactly. But look, if your question is, will I ever feel better about this? Yeah, I mean, I do think that's very, very possible that you will feel better. But again, that also depends on how you work through this.

36:05So, I don't know, Gabe, should we talk about that? Well, to your point, that's going to be a process. It's not a one-time event. This is the kind of core wound or formative early experience that therapy is really designed for. Not really something we can do automatically in a few minutes on a podcast. So obviously, I would love for her to have that longer term experience. But as a starting point, she obviously has a lot of anger toward her stepmom or her dad's wife, as she calls her. And I get that. The narrative that she is working with here, and it might be partly true, is that this is the woman who stole him away, who broke up her family.

36:36and that anger might be justified to some degree. We don't know all the facts. Underneath that anger is clearly a lot of hurt and I get that too. I mean, to lose your father at 12 years old, 13 years old, especially under these circumstances, her father got another woman pregnant. They had a child together. He left. Like you said, this is very painful stuff. I can only imagine what she was dealing with back then. She was probably deeply sad, profoundly angry, maybe a little embarrassed, scared, kind of weirded out. And on top of everything, she suddenly had a half sibling who, I don't know, I might be speculating a little bit here, but he might have sometimes felt a little like competition on top of everything.

37:17Right. Like it wasn't just dad left us. It was also dad chose him. It's possible. And if so, then this wound has a few different contours, right? There's the loss of a father. There's the loss of the family system as she knew it. And there's also possibly this feeling of being deprioritized or possibly even replaced, which would explain some of the anger she feels, which she says is unfair, but I do think is sort of in the mix here. Totally. Hey, the fact that she said it's unfair to hate my half-brother, I thought that was pretty evolved of her because I'd get it if she hated him, but obviously none of this was that guy's fault.

37:52I agree. And yet she's allowed to feel that anger, even if she knows that intellectually, it's not entirely fair. But the question of whom to be mad at here, I think that's also a huge piece of the story. Yeah, she's saying, I focus all my hurt toward my stepmom because it's easier than hating my dad. But something tells me that's not the full story. Look, this woman is the easy villain here. And like I said, she certainly bears some of the responsibilities. She engaged with a married man. She got pregnant. She's the obvious proximal reason that their family got broken up. But that was at least partly dad's doing too, if one learned in sixth grade biology health class holds up, right?

38:29And she knows that, but it sounds like there's something difficult, maybe even dangerous about being angry at her father. Yeah, because then she'd have to feel that feeling, which is hating a parent for what he did, which is, you know, not comfortable. And I wonder if that would maybe also feel like losing him again. Interesting. Like she lost him once to this woman and she might lose him again if she were to direct some of her possibly justified rage at him. Again, I am speculating a little bit here. she'll have to decide if this fits. But yes, allowing herself to be angry at her father, that might have put even more distance between them.

39:03It might have compromised whatever connection they did have. And it might feel that way again now at this point in her life. And that might be part of what feels kind of scary or dangerous or just kind of vaguely impossible about it. I could see that. There might be other reasons for that too, though. You know, maybe dad wasn't slash isn't great at making room for her anger. Maybe he didn't even make it possible for her to be mad at him back then. That is actually a great point. Obviously, we don't know what this guy is like, but yes, absolutely. When we're very young, we're often only in touch with those feelings that our parents can recognize and validate to the extent that they're able to tolerate those feelings.

39:38Again, I feel like I'm doing this a lot today. I'm connecting some dots here that might or might not exist, but I imagine a father who carries on with another woman who gets her pregnant, who leaves the family to be with her. I can see that father having a pretty hard time receiving his daughter's anger. Well, imagine what he would need to be in touch with if he did. Yikes. Exactly. It would be very unusual for a father who did something like this to go to his daughter and say, look, however you're feeling about me, however you're feeling about Candace or whatever, however you feel about the baby, it's all fair game.

40:09I'm here to listen and understand, even if it's kind of hard for you to say to me. I'm pretty sure that didn't happen. Yeah. If he couldn't tolerate those feelings from her, I can see how dot, dot, dot, you're 44 and you have your dad and his wife over for dinner and suddenly you're seeing red and wondering why you haven't gotten over it yet. Because how can you get over something that no one, especially the primary and legitimate target of your anger, allowed you to get over? Right. I'm also curious about mom in all this. We didn't hear about her at all, so there's not much to say. No, interesting.

40:38I'm just curious to hear how she responded to all this, how she felt about the dad after he left, how much room she made for our friend here's experience. Yeah, I would have loved to hear about that. It's interesting because I could see that going two ways. If mom took the position of your father is a monster, he hurt us, he broke up the family, which I imagine is likely, our friend could have taken that as an invitation to get mad at her father too. Or she might have had the instinct to go the other way and protect him. Oh, interesting. Because again, it's her dad. It's her dad. Man, our parental figures are powerful, man.

41:12Even when they make huge mistakes, and sometimes especially when they make huge mistakes, our impulse, especially when we're young, is to protect them, to idealize them even, because, you know, to recognize a parent's flaws, that's very painful. But that would mean being in touch with a number of other feelings that can be extremely hard, especially when you're 12 or 13 years old, right? Vulnerability, disappointment, inadequacy. Rejection. Rejection, exactly. Which is why this defense exists, right? To protect us. But then it's very hard to access the anger that is often buried underneath that, especially when you're 13, but even at 44.

41:47Yeah, totally. I think there's a whole world of feelings about dad that she hasn't quite accessed, although she's already somewhat aware of it, which is an important step. Because yeah, you're 44 now. And maybe you look at that and you go, ugh, this feels weirdly old to suddenly be dealing with all these very young feelings. But I would argue, hey, you're 44. Now you get to be in touch with these very young feelings and with a lot more inner resources than you had at 12 or 13. And at 44, you and your father won't pay the same price for those feelings. You don't need him in the way that you did when you were a kid.

42:19You don't need to protect him in the way you might have done back then. And that might not make this process easy or fun or pleasant, but I do have a feeling it will make it a lot more doable. Agreed. The cost, so to speak, is much lower now. So my hope for you is that you can give yourself permission to feel all these feelings about dad, about stepmom, about half-brother, even about mom, even about yourself. the more the better and to stay open to some new narratives here, primarily about who's to blame, who deserves your anger, although I'd just focus on the feelings first. The narrative will take care of itself.

42:51You don't need to decide how to feel right now. You just need to feel and process and trust that that's the best way to heal. You might never get over this, but you don't need to get over it. All you need is the space to experience this wound as an adult and hopefully find a new relationship with these difficult facts. And I am sorry that this part of your life continues to be so painful, but the pain is a sign that there's something powerful to resolve here. Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best. You know what won't destroy your family, Gabriel? The fine products and services that support this show.

43:25We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support those who make the show possible. All the deals discount codes and ways to support the show are searchable and clickable over on the deals page, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Or use our AI chat bot, which is always improving, to search for our promo codes. It's super handy. That's over at jordanharbinger.com slash AI. And if that doesn't work, you can always email me, jordan at jordanharbinger.com.

43:53Someone here will dig up the code for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a college student who recently moved into an off-campus apartment with some friends. This includes one friend, Emma, who I love dearly. But I really can't stand her boyfriend, who we'll call Todd. He's always seemed creepy to me and rubbed me the wrong way in how he acts around her, especially in public. Lots of calling her pet names and initiating unwarranted PDA, even when others are around. Last semester, I had a conversation with Emma about the PDA to kindly let her know that it's sometimes made others uncomfortable, and more importantly, to check in with her.

44:35When I asked her if she felt okay, she suddenly got very quiet and started to tear up. She said that Todd is the one who usually initiates everything and mentioned feeling quote unquote scared. It was unclear whether she meant she was scared of his actions or scared of setting a stronger boundary with him. Oof, that is not a good sign. I spent weeks and weeks worrying about her after that. A few weeks later, she shared that Todd had semi-proposed to her with a promise ring. This set off alarm bells for me because, one, this is the first relationship for both of them, two, we were college sophomores, and three, she also revealed that she had waited a few days before telling me and our other close friends about this proposal.

45:16I feel like if she was genuinely excited about it, she probably would have texted us immediately. Instead, she seemed a little shocked and hesitant, like she was trying to rationalize it, when we asked her how she felt. After that, I turned to professional resources at my school to get input on how I could talk to Emma about this and maybe open the door for her to share more. But I always chickened out on the conversation, something I'm really ashamed of. That is, until about a week ago. We were home alone together and I asked her if she was doing okay. I expressed that I was worried for her after our earlier conversation and that I wanted to just check in as a friend.

45:50Excellent. That is a perfect way to start this conversation. Nicely done. She told me that last semester, when she and Todd started having sex, he was really forceful with her. She said that every time she would bleed and be in pain, to the point that she eventually had to go see a doctor about it. She said that she and Todd have since quote-unquote worked on it, and that now it's much better, and they communicate. But her tone of voice didn't really convince me, and I don't think that kind of behavior just goes away. I've also noticed other power imbalances in their relationship. For instance, she is a low-income student on scholarship, and he has a very wealthy family.

46:27They go on elaborate dates, and during breaks, he flies her across the country to go back home with him. He's also taken her on vacations to a family house in Hawaii. This financial dominance, along with this potential history of sexual abuse and the ring, makes me really worried. Yeah, I get that. I'm also trying to make room for a couple different possibilities here. Like, is this true financial dominance, or is this, you know, a wealthy kid who's treating and his girlfriend to some nice trips, because those are different things, even if it can get a little blurry sometimes. We also don't know for sure if he was actually sexually abusing her or if he was being, I mean, how do you put this delicately, not a very caring partner.

47:03Again, there might be kind of a spectrum here. Look, I'm not apologizing for this guy. He sounds questionable and kind of uncalibrated, at least. And Emma's response to him, yeah, that really does speak volumes, and that's the most important data point so far. But I also think it's important to not automatically interpret this stuff through the worst possible lens. You know, anyway, carry on, Gabe. But other times she seems to really like him and talks often about wanting to move in with him after college. So I don't know how to feel. Right. There are two people in this relationship and we do have to make room for Emma's autonomy here too.

47:36Good point. So she goes on. Then recently we decided to move to a new apartment in a first floor unit of a different house. I then found out that a group of our mutual friends are coincidentally going to be living on the floor above us. I told Emma when I got home, and she seemed a little shocked for a second. Apparently, Todd had told her some time ago that he had joined this other housing group. She said that she hadn't told Todd the address of our new place, so it might be a coincidence that we're going to be living in the same house next year, but she seemed pretty uneasy, and I couldn't tell if she was happy or sad about it.

48:09What she did seem was nervous, and I am too. I'm also unsure why she wouldn't have told him our future address. Again, whether this is coincidence or not, her response says a lot. This is all valuable information, and I'm glad you're tracking it. It's also important to acknowledge that seeing Todd makes me particularly angry these days because I broke up with my boyfriend recently. I've generally been feeling jealous and sensitive about relationship stuff, although my dislike for Todd started way before that. So everything feels worse. What should I do here? Is there a way I can help my friend set boundaries?

48:45Is there a way I can advocate for Todd to find a new housing option? How do I get him out of the house? To what extent should I even be involved? And how do I manage my own rage at the situation? Signed, looking for a fix for this worrisome roommate sitch. Okay, well, like I said, this is obviously all concerning, and I'm very sorry that you and Emma are going through it. Even though there's some ambiguity here. I mean, in terms of how bad Todd really is, how intentional the stuff is, whether this guy is truly malicious or just kind of insensitive, her responses to the relationship, the crying, saying she's scared, acting nervous.

49:22I mean, there's kind of only one conclusion you can draw from that, right? Which is something's not right here. So first of all, I just want to say you are doing so much right. You're attuned to your friend. You're regularly checking in with her, making space for her to share whatever she wants with you, being direct, but also being gentle. You're a great friend. She's lucky to have you in her life, in her apartment. The challenge is she has to accept that invitation and open up to you about what's really going on and or ask for help in order for you to do something here. And it sounds to me like she's giving you a little, but not really the full story.

49:58She's saying things like, well, he used to be rough with me, but now it's better, but then she's not really explaining if she feels violated or if she feels like she's in danger. She's going, I'm scared, but she's not saying why she's scared, whether he's actually threatening to her or whether she's just afraid of speaking up. I don't really know. That's just a really tough spot to be in because you have half the information, but not all the information, only she does. And so you're left to connect dots and speculate and assume things when she seems worried. And despite what I said earlier, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be assuming the worst too.

50:33So my first piece of advice is keep checking in with Emma, make it a regular thing without spooking her too much, if that makes sense, and keep making lots of room for her to be totally honest with you. Make sure she feels safe and protected and opening up to you. Don't judge her choices or push her to a decision too soon. Just listen and show her that she can share as much as she wants with you without getting into trouble somehow. And look, you might need to draw her out a little more or be more direct sometimes if she's being a little cagey with you. It's okay to say, you mentioned you were scared.

51:04Are you scared because Todd said something that scared you? Or is it just scary to think about telling him what upsets you? You're allowed to ask her, I couldn't help but notice that you seemed uneasy when you found out Todd was moving in. I couldn't tell if you were happy or sad about it. How are you feeling? And if she doesn't really answer your question, you can even tell her, you seemed a little nervous when we last talked. Maybe I'm reading into things though. Am I understanding you right? Between you and me, do you have any feelings about Todd living in the house? Again, I wouldn't give her the third degree or make her feel like you're pushing her to any one feeling or conclusion, but there's a way to be direct while still being sensitive.

51:39And there's a way to elicit the information you need without being disrespectful or seeming like you already know the answer. Ultimately, Emma's going to have to decide whether she wants to stay with Todd, redefine the relationship or leave. You can help her do that, of course, and you should. But that decision really has got to come from her. Agreed. And yeah, part of that will almost certainly involve setting boundaries. But what those boundaries should be, whether they're ultimately going to be enough. Again, I think that's largely up to Emma. My sense is that she has a hard time taking her own experience seriously and that she's very afraid of expressing herself and standing up to somebody, especially a partner like this.

52:17Those two can go hand in hand sometimes, and they're really hard to overcome without Emma wanting to work on them. But that could be something else you share with her. You know, when she struggles to open up to you, when she says that she's not sure how to push back, you could show her that that might be really daunting for her and you understand why. But it is something she can work on and you're happy to help her do that when she's ready. As for advocating for Todd to find a new housing option, I assume you mean advocate with Emma to ask Todd to find a different place, right? Because you probably aren't going to go to Todd and be like, find a new apartment, bro, as much as you would like to.

52:51And I would love to, I would love it if you could pull that off. But we're back to the main problem, which is that Emma won't stand up to him. Not yet, anyway. And she ultimately gets to decide if she wants to live in the same house as her boyfriend, which now that I'm saying it out loud, seems like a terrible, terrible idea. So I'm not really sure you can get him out of the house on your own. This is really up to him and Emma and the two of them together, you're just paying a separate price for that as her roommate, which again is really tough. Well, all of this is getting at your other big question, which is to what extent should you even be involved?

53:22And that's a little complicated. I think you should be involved to the extent that you're Emma's friend and as her friend, you do owe her a certain level of support and you should try to keep her safe if you can. If Emma is truly in danger here, which again, bit of a mixed picture, although I share a lot of your concerns, then she deserves a friend who can help her see her situation clearly, who can help her take her own feelings more seriously, who can maybe help her work toward protecting herself better having these conversations with her boyfriend. The other reason you can be more involved here is that you're living in this house too.

53:54So if Todd makes you personally uncomfortable, if your day-to-day in the house is going to be unpleasant because of whatever is playing out between Emma and Todd, you're allowed to give your two cents. You're also allowed to just not live there. And that's an option we also have to talk about. Totally. I hate the idea of leaving Emma alone in the house with Todd, but if she's not ready or willing to do anything about it, which again is her choice, then you're also allowed to say, I'm so sorry, Em, but Todd makes me uncomfortable. Certain aspects of your relationship with him make me uncomfortable.

54:25I want to support you. I'm here to help you however I can, but I also want to find a housing situation that feels healthy and safe for me too. My dream is for us to live together without Todd for both of our benefits, But hey, if that's not possible, then I need to think about finding my own place. And maybe hearing you say that will make her wake up just a little bit. Maybe it'll make her realize that this Todd situation is affecting her friendships, too, the other important relationships in her life. And maybe that'll make her take this more seriously. I'm not saying you should say this is like a tactic or whatever.

54:57I'm just saying that that might be one of the side effects from this. The last thing we have to talk about is how your recent breakup is playing a role in all of this. I really appreciate that you're saying I'm feeling a little jealous these days. I'm feeling sensitive. So that's in the mix here too. I really do appreciate your self-awareness about that. I also agree with you that your feelings about Todd predated your breakup. And there are some good reasons to not be happy with this guy. So your job is to tease apart your anger toward Todd and your envy these days, you know, to separate out your appropriate protectiveness over Emma from your perhaps mixed feelings about your breakup.

55:33It might just be that the volume on your feelings is turned up higher than usual right now. It's also possible that certain feelings you have about Todd and perhaps about men in general get a little conflated sometimes, but I think you know deep down when something is really about something else. And if you're not sure, then I would just make room for different angles on this. You could literally say something to Emma like, Look, I don't know if I'm worried about you and angry at Todd or if I'm just down on love right now because of the breakup, but here are a few things that concern me. Or you could also say, I'm not sure I'm 100 % right to be this concerned, but this thing I heard you say the other day or that reaction you had the other day, that makes me worried about you living in the same house with Todd.

56:16In other words, your many different feelings can exist alongside your interventions and your advice to her. So when you ask, how do I manage my own rage at this situation? Part of me is going, I'm not sure you have to manage your rage because your rage is maybe appropriate to some degree if this guy really is bad news. It makes sense that you're angry and your anger might actually be useful here. And I agree that there is some work for you to do in really parsing that anger so you can know how much of it should be directed at Todd, how much of it perhaps at Emma, how much at just how stressful this situation is in general and how much is being informed by this recent breakup that is just making you very sensitive to other people right now.

56:58Right. We have to almost become a connoisseur of our anger, right, of all of our feelings. So we know why they're there. We know what to do with them. So that's our take. Keep being there for Emma, but also keep being there for yourself. If she's not ready to make any big changes in her relationship, you might have to accept that and just deal with the feelings you're left with as a result, at least for a little while. But if she doesn't want to rock the boat and that leaves you exposed, then like Gabe said, you're also well within your rights to make a change for yourself, whether it's living somewhere else or being more direct with Emma because you matter too and you're ultimately responsible to yourself.

57:32My only caveat is that if you ever learn that Todd is doing something truly dangerous to Emma, like if she literally says that he's assaulting her or you find out that he's manipulating her more explicitly or if she's ever in immediate danger, then I would absolutely intervene more strongly. and there are tons of resources out there for helping somebody leave an abusive relationship. We'll link to a bunch of them in the show notes. I hope you can get through to Emma. I hope she can accept your help and develop the confidence and support she needs to create the healthiest possible relationship, sending you both a big hug and wishing you all the best.

58:01Gabe, I don't know about you. I feel like I had weird, not maybe like this, but like weird unhealthy relationships in college where like one person was like all needy or the other person, and just like you handle everything kind of the worst possible way, right? Because you don't know what you're doing. You know, while we were talking about the letter, I was thinking, man, they're young. And like you said at the beginning, this guy, it's hard to know what to make of him, right? Like, is he just like a 21-year-old guy who's very immature and not attuned to his partner and still learning how to be with people?

58:31And is he perhaps a bit wealthy and privileged and not as sensitive to how that comes across to other people? Or is he actually manipulative and malicious and dangerous? It's kind of hard to say. The facts could cut a few different ways. But you're right. Their age does factor into this. And I think she needs to maybe sit with some of those facts and figure out what is in this guy's heart. How much is he really hurting this person? And how much of this is just kind of like young people figuring out how to be with each other? Man, I hear you there. All right. Now, time for the recommendation of the week.

59:02I am addicted to lit filler. That's never going to get well. It will get old eventually, but today is not that day. Not yet. My recommendation of the week is an inflatable hot tub. Now, I know this sounds ghetto fabulous, and it sure is. I'm sorry. I'm laughing because in my head, it just played. I'm addicted to hot tubs. Hot tubs, especially ones that are inflatable. So I, a few years ago during the pandemic, I really wanted to get a hot tub because I'm always sore from the gym or whatever from walking, but they're expensive, right? The cheapest, crappiest hot tub out there, or so I thought, is a few thousand dollars.

59:33And I go online and I bought an inflatable hot tub, an inflatable one. So it's for camping or like RV. They advertise it for all kinds of stuff. Coleman is one of the brands, right? The outdoor company. And that thing was like 300 bucks. I thought, okay, if I buy this for 300 bucks and I don't use it and I donate it, I'm out 300 bucks instead of like 3 ,000 or 9 ,000 or whatever for a fiberglass hot tub. So I get this thing and I fill it up and I use this thing every day. Now they get disgusting. You gotta put a ton of chemicals in there, blah, blah, blah. But whatever, this is a trial run. I figured this is a great way to do a dry run on the hot tub if you're not sure you wanna commit.

1:00:07And after a few months, I donated the hot tub to a pet spa and I got a real one, but that's like, you know, pour a concrete slab and shell out a bunch of dough for it. I'll link to the one I like in the show notes. As always, if you use that link, it'll help out the show as well. I just think these kinds of ideas are really, really good. It's like getting a gym membership before building a gym in your house and then just never using it, right? You got to have the habit first. So I made sure that I was a hot tub guy, which I apparently am before actually buying a hot tub. And I recommend that everybody who's even on the market for maybe a hot tub, do this kind of thing.

1:00:38You can save yourself a few thousand dollars doing it. And who knows, maybe the inflatable is good enough for you. Maybe you just never need to buy a real one. Just make sure you get a green one because I guarantee you that water is green anyways. I'm addicted to dry roddins. Yeah, I'm addicted to the fungus that grows in an inflatable hot tub. Also, in case you didn't know, there's also a subreddit for the show. If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, if there is an episode you like or you hated, you want to share some thoughts or learn more from other people in the show, fam, check it out.

1:01:07It's over on Reddit and the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. Somebody posted a funny meme today. It's a car screeching off a highway exit and the highway sign says straight ahead is like email LinkedIn and business. And to the right, the exit, the car is screeching down is Feedback Friday. So that was posted today here on Friday in the subreddit. So that's what you can expect there. Some intellectual discussion and memes. And some dank memes that are very hyper specific. That's right. Hyper specific dank memes and cool tags that you can give yourself, like Dark Jordan Acolyte. Spiritual Gangster, which is my favorite.

1:01:40Yeah, Spiritual Gangster. I love our subreddit. I'm having so much fun in there. It's super fun. It's really a lot of fun and hilarious. And people say why we're wrong about stuff on Feedback Friday or say, I can't believe this is actually happening. And we're kind of, you know, we're here for it. We also can't believe that a lot of these things are actually happening because a lot of them are just flat out insane. And you know you come here because when you're done with Feedback Friday, you realize that your life's not so bad. And we're all on the same page there. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, my family and I have a tradition of sending out Christmas cards that are also ornaments.

1:02:15They generally hint at something that went on that year. In the first year of COVID, for example, we made paper syringes that when you push the plunger would push a paper needle out reading Merry Christmas. That's so creative. Wow. The year I got hearing aids and started tinkering with electronics as a hobby, We soldered Christmas tree. Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you just say soldered? Soldered. Is that not how you say it? No, that is not how you. Well, OK. Wait, what is it? Soldered is how you say it, I think. Oh, shit. But now you have me second guessing myself. Now that you're saying it, I have heard that word.

1:02:48This is very embarrassing. I've never said this word out loud before. That's what I'm wondering. You clearly don't solder much over there in Brentwood. Not a pastime of mine. No. Cool. Well, can't wait to get a bunch of emails about this. Well, you're going to get a bunch of emails and a soldering iron in your stocking for Christmas. Wow. And I will respond to all of those emails with my delicate virgin hands. So, okay. Fact of the letter. The year I got hearing aids and started tinkering with electronics as a hobby, we soldered Christmas tree-looking circuit boards with LEDs powered by a hearing aid battery.

1:03:22This is so creative. This guy is so creative. Can you put us on your list? Yeah, I want to be on this, dude. Yeah, please. Put us on your list. This stuff is awesome. These are the cards that you don't throw away. You put them out because there are pieces. Oh, you keep them for the next 20 years and people are like, where did you get that? Oh, my friend sent it to me. These are awesome. This guy's awesome. And the year all of our kids had left home, we mailed empty nests made of pine needles from our backyard. Man, that is so cool. That's cute as hell. The empty nests are cute as hell, not Gabe's delicate virgin hands.

1:03:51I'm sure those are cute as hell too. They are, for the record. But yeah, so creative. This takes talent. It really does take skill. And I wonder what the card is this year. Maybe it's a mail-in ballot where the presidential candidates are all three of the wise men. Nice. Or like a, what else happened this year? A Boeing airplane with the emergency exit door hanging off. Instead of like lift here, it says deck the halls. Yeah, that would be my vote. I love that one. I love the Boeing door hanging off, dangling. Or maybe you take the door off or a wing just comes off. I don't even know what the problem is with those planes.

1:04:23And I'd rather not think about it, given all the travel I have. But that one might be tough. I don't know if those planes would survive the journey. Neither does Boeing. Oh, Gabe with the jokes today. All right, let's move on. Yeah. So he goes on, I started this tradition around 40 years ago. Family and friends say they look forward to them every year, and it's something to yuck about. Did he really say yuck about? He said yuck about. Love it. I just got such an image of this guy, like working on these cool cars. It's just something to yuck about. It's just something to yuck about. Yeah. My conundrum is with those close coworkers and not so close relatives who never ever respond.

1:05:01Yeah, that's a bummer. All that time invested. Now I'm a bit in my head about purging the list. Some of the people I'm inclined to axe after decades would surely be offended, but I feel dumb continuing to send time-consuming, somewhat personal expressions into the void. But asking for an acknowledgement would be begging for an attaboy. Also, I've worked remotely for more than 15 years and have close to zero other personal touchpoints with coworkers, so these cards are potentially helpful. Right. You don't want to be the guy like, did you get my Christmas card this year? Oh, you did. Okay. But like, did you get it?

1:05:33Did you get it? Because the doors on Boeing planes, they fly off. You see what I did there? Oh, yeah. Not a great look. No. What is your opinion on sending Christmas cards or just family letters that require some effort to people who never reply? Have holiday cards become unprofessional? And is sending cards passe as a networking strategy? signed thinking of ending this tradition of sending Christmas greetings to those whose responses are still pending. And shout out to this listener for coming up with that sign off. He's coming up with a lot. Yeah, this guy's super creative. I love how he said if a holiday cards become unprofessional.

1:06:08Clearly, this man is a professional at holiday cards of the highest order. You can't even buy a card like this online. Look, this guy is super creative. He's very sweet. Clearly, I love that he puts this much thought into this tradition. It just says a lot about him. I totally understand why this rubs him the wrong way. If I spent several days coming up with a brilliant Christmas card and spent a bunch of money having them made and sent out, I'd be a little bit hurt and kind of pissed off too. He should be getting such mad props for these cards. An email saying amazing card this year, a 10 second text, something.

1:06:42Somebody putting it on their tree, a little video. I mean, come on folks. First off, no holiday cards have not become unprofessional. They're also not passe as a networking strategy. Although I guess they're not as necessary as they were before, only because we have so many other ways of staying connected with people now. But I would argue that because we have so many other ways of staying in touch, ways that are a lot more synthetic and corporatized, like social media, Christmas cards like the ones you make actually mean even more now. Anything that's personalized and thoughtful and high-touch like this, it makes an even bigger impact in a world where people don't do this kind of thing very often.

1:07:15Or it should, anyway. But obviously, not everyone is responding in the way you hope. So I totally get why you're thinking of culling your list. So my thoughts on this are, well, first of all, I have a strong feeling that a lot more people than you realize probably love your cards and they're just not telling you. And that doesn't make it okay. I actually think that's super lame and disappointing that they're just like, oh my God, this is amazing. Should we say something? Nah, that would require the slightest effort on our part. Let's not do that. But I also think it's worth remembering that just because you don't hear from some of these folks, it doesn't mean they aren't smiling when they open your card and going, man, Ted is adorable.

1:07:49I love that he sends this to us every year. And then either because they don't have great manners or because they're busy and distracted and disorganized, they don't reach out to tell you. They just enjoy it privately and they think that's enough. I think that's probably what's going on. It can be really hard for people to remember how much thought and care goes into creating something super original like this, unfortunately. Right. Exactly. Especially these people, they're not artists, right? They're not sending out the most epic Christmas cards ever. They can't put themselves in this guy's shoes and go, I bet it would mean a lot to Ted to hear how much we enjoy these cards.

1:08:19They just, it's not even on their radar at all. Which again, sucks for him. Which objectively sucks, but that's different from we don't appreciate your cards and we wouldn't care if you took us off your list. That's further down the line. Right. But I do understand the impulse to do that. He doesn't want to feel unappreciated every year and he doesn't probably want to spend so much time and energy and perhaps money on cards for people who don't give him the same kindness. I agree, but that's why he's fully allowed to take people off of this list. And my take there is just that maybe you only call the people who you don't have much of a relationship with anyway.

1:08:50You don't see that changing people who are kind of on the fringes of your network, folks you don't really mind if you weren't in touch with as often. You know, I might not remove your great aunt who doesn't reply, even if that's disappointing, because there's still value in letting her know that you care. But I might cut that guy you worked with on Zoom for a few years ago, who was never that cool with you in the first place and was kind of like an obligatory ad because he was on the team for some project. There might be some responsible axing of names that doesn't mean losing the touch point with people who could potentially be useful or interesting to stay connected with.

1:09:20I really feel for this guy. I know what it's like to feel kind of dumb for putting in the time to do something meaningful and just never hearing back. I remember when I made my short film last year, I had this incredible team around me and lots and lots of other people on the crew. And I gave everybody wrap gifts and I hand wrote these detailed thank you cards. And it took a while, hours probably in total. And then I called like every single crew member on the call sheet to say thank you. And if they didn't pick up, I sent them a text or a voice note because I wanted them to know, you know, like this meant a lot to me that you shared your time and your talent with me on a budget and you brought these specific things to the project.

1:09:55And I'm so grateful. And maybe a third of the people responded, if I recall correctly, and it kind of hurt. It was kind of a bummer. But yeah, the people who took 60 seconds to hit me back in some form, whether it was a text or an email or phone call, in a lot of cases, it was kind of the people I thought would do that because I already could tell that they were awesome and we got along really well. In a few cases, though, it was people who surprised me and I'm still connected to those people because they responded. And then there were a bunch of people who never responded and whether they intended it or not, that was kind of good to know.

1:10:27Like, okay, this experience maybe didn't mean as much to you as it did to me, or maybe you just don't want to put in as much effort as I do. And yeah, that stings a little bit, but I guess ultimately it's okay. Like good for me to know. Right. And that can be clarifying because it tells you where to spend your time and who's really on your team. Yeah, for sure. But it's interesting. It's not like I look back at that and I wish I didn't spend those hours writing those cards and sending those voice notes, especially to the core team who is essential. Because first of all, I did that partly for me.

1:10:55I did not feel right not telling people what they meant to me and saying thank you, especially on something as big as like my first film, which was a big moment. But also people can surprise you, right? The person who unexpectedly responds kind of makes it all worthwhile. And then you have a relationship you would never have had if you didn't take the time to send paper syringes and empty nests to everybody. Right. And like I said, maybe everybody privately appreciated those gifts and cards and texts you sent. And just because they didn't respond, it just it doesn't mean they didn't land with them.

1:11:25Yeah, it doesn't mean they're not yucking about it. So I guess my question for our friend here is how much are you sending these cards for you and how much are you sending it for them? I think it's for both. But, you know, there's something in this for you, too, to know you're the guy who does this. And also, do these cards still make you feel good? Do they make you feel like you're doing your part in maintaining certain relationships, even if you don't always hear back? And given what Jordan said a moment ago, can you make room for the idea that people appreciate what you put out into the world, even if they don't always know how to express that to you?

1:11:54Exactly. I also think you might be able to check in with some of these people who don't respond without seeming thirsty. If you wanted to, he could just ask a few of them, hey, I'm wondering if I should stop doing my Christmas card. I can't tell how much they mean to people. I just wanted to see if you still enjoy getting them. You can ask a question like that without sounding like you're thirsty for an attaboy. I kind of doubt anyone's gonna be like, nah, I could live without it, thanks. But if you ask some people who are closer to you and you tell them that they will not hurt your feelings if they say no thanks, you might get an honest answer.

1:12:23And you might also subtly suggest to them that they're being kind of thoughtless but not taking 10 freaking seconds to say thank you. Although I'm not sure that's something you actually wanna do. And I get it, that's totally up to you. For what it's worth though, I love what you are doing. I think it's super funny. I love that you put so much thoughts into your relationships, especially because you work remotely. That's very smart. I personally really appreciate it when people send me Christmas cards, although I'm going to be honest, I might sometimes be the a-hole who doesn't respond. But come on, man, sometimes you're just sending me like a photograph of people I don't know.

1:12:52And you know, whatever. Nobody sends me a literal nest. They're just blurry home printed photos, like I said. And you know, that's not that impressive, Aunt Candice. Step it up if you want a thank you text from me and Jen. We got crap we got to do. but really you sound like an awesome person with a lot of heart and creativity and whatever you do with your list don't lose those qualities they're superpowers they really are go back and check out Michael Arnton or Skeptical Sunday on wine fraud if you haven't done so yet the best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network that's the circle of people that I know like and trust and I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself in our six minute networking course that course is free is not gross it's not schmoozy you can find it on the Thinkific platform at sixminutenetworking.com.

1:13:35These drills, they take a few minutes a day. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build relationships before you need them. You can find it all at sixminutenetworking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, discounts, ways to support this show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with us on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

1:14:05Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of my previous interview with General Spaulding, recorded a few years back. Underneath everything that's going on in our peacetime environment, our democracy is being undermined at nearly every connection with the Chinese Communist Party.

1:14:43The techniques that they use and the strategies they use to acquire technology are so diverse and so widespread. The entire economy is driven by the Communist Party and they can force entire industries to do exactly what they say. What you're seeing is the actual execution of a document called Unrestricted Warfare, and it was written by two PLA colonels back in 1999. I read it when it came out. It didn't pertain to the way at the time I thought about warfare. You use military forces to take territory. This was pervasive across society in such a way that You could see the elements of an airstrike using bongs, except you were using ones and zeros and dollars and cents.

1:15:27Data and finance to essentially displace the United States on the world stage and force us to submit. You think, wow, this is 1984. This is a science fiction movie. It can't be real. A country can't actually be doing this. Yet there it is. This was all so surprising to me how deep this all goes. We are actually financing the construction of the Chinese military, the government, all of their cities, their whole country that they are now using to try to control the behavior of the rest of the world. It's just outright insane. To hear more about how the Chinese Communist Party has quietly been at war with the United States and the West for years, check out episode 268 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.