822: Is a Hefty Health Professional a Hippocratic Hypocrite? | Feedback Friday

26:43And over time, it'll evolve into other things. Sadness, maybe, or compassion for both of you. In the meantime, you need to develop a little practice when you run into her. Almost a form of, like, meditation. You bump into her, your heart pounds a little faster, your nostrils flare a little bit, you get kind of hot behind the ears, whatever it is, just notice that response. Feel it in your body. Notice how it conjures up the whole narrative of your relationship in your head and that sense of being aggrieved. And just let those thoughts and feelings be. Don't act on them. Don't indulge them. Just let them be.

27:18And notice how you settle back down. And remember that these mental emotional patterns, they're real and they're worth exploring, but they don't have to run your life. Ah, well said, Jordan. Could not agree more. As for avoiding trust issues in your next relationship, well, look, you're much better equipped now to choose a partner who doesn't exhibit some of these red flags. And if you ever did get to a point in a new relationship where, yeah, some of that distrust crept in again, or you didn't really know where you stood with the other person, you now know that you can stop and say, hey, I'm feeling a little distant from you right now.

27:52I'm not sure how you're feeling. Maybe this is my old relationship stuff creeping up, or maybe there really is something going on, but look, either way, I would really love to talk about it with you. Just being willing to say that to a partner, that can transform a whole relationship because we're not just talking about your ex anymore. I mean, yes, she was definitely avoidant. She let things fester, but you also let her let them fester. You avoided them in your own way. And again, this is always a dynamic, right? So when When you talk about avoiding trust issues, you're not just talking about trusting the other person.

28:25I think you're also talking about trusting yourself. Trusting yourself to speak up when something bothers you or to honor a feeling you have that something isn't quite right. Or to have the conviction that, yes, you deserve somebody who's willing to talk to you fairly and to talk to you honestly. All of that can change the dynamic with a new person instantly. Great point, Gabe. He gets to control all of that, which is yet another gift that he got from this tough relationship. it. Right, exactly. And as for identifying people like her in the future, well, I think you already know how to spot a few important signs, things like moving extremely quickly.

28:59Although look, that's not necessarily a bad thing by any means, but if it's coupled with some of these other signals, like getting really caught up in the relationship and then pulling away very hard, it could be, that could be a red flag. Other signs to look for things like going in and out of touch, not feeling consistently connected to the other person. That's also a very important signal, But maybe the most important signal, given your story, is how you feel in the relationship. If you feel a little unsteady, a little like unmoored, if you feel super connected to the other person and then kind of cast out, if you feel like a new partner has gotten under your skin in a way that you can't quite put your finger on, and I don't mean like in a fun way they get under your skin, like they rile you up and you're kind of, it's not pleasant.

29:44And all of a sudden you're holding all of these feelings that you're not even sure are really your feelings. those are all super important signals. And I'm not saying that you should run from that person immediately, but I would definitely try to talk about that stuff with your partner and see if they would be willing to dig into that with you. Yeah, I'm glad you said that, Gabe, because a lot of times people look for red flags in someone else, but oftentimes the first sign that something's off is that you feel kind of weird and you don't know why. And that's actually really important data. Again, I'm really sorry this happened to you, But in another way, I'm not sorry this happened because this relationship actually taught you a lot about yourself, about how you operate in relationships, about what to look for in a partner.

30:27And the fact that you're working with a therapist, exploring these great questions, that tells me that you're willing to learn and grow from this, which is ultimately all you can do. And I would argue the reason this woman had to enter your life. So hang in there, be patient with yourself, and know that this situation will get better. Or, if it doesn't, that you'll only have to deal with it for, I don't know, three more years? And I know that seems like an eternity, but it might fly by, especially if you're using that time to really work on yourself. And when you find a new partner, this is all going to start to feel like ancient history.

31:02So wishing you the best, stay safe in the military, and when you run into your ex. Hard to say which is scarier at this point. and good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger dot com. Keep your emails concise. Use the descriptive subject line. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with or you want a new perspective on life, love, work, what to do if you're wrestling with your sexuality and you still miss the young lover who mistreated you, whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger dot com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous.

31:36Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a single childless 27 year old woman and I've noticed that a lot of my female friends' husbands don't carry their weight when it comes to parenting. For example, my best friend recently said that if she were to die tomorrow, her husband would have no idea how to care for their six-month-old. Soon after, he was alone with their baby for the first time and sure enough, he called her at work in an angry panic because he didn't know where they kept the bottles. He also once complained to her about the number of bottles in the sink needing to be cleaned. When she asked him how many he'd washed since their baby was born, he said, uh, none.

32:13When we go on a girl's trip for more than one night, my friend's mother-in-law will go to her house to stay with her husband to help him take care of their kids for a few days. I found out from other friends that this isn't that uncommon. Some of my friends will even fly their mom or mother-in-law in from another city because their husband can't handle it. My best friend's husband suggested that they have another baby, but he barely helps take care of the one they have. I've always pictured myself having a family someday, but I don't want to be in this situation. What advice would you give someone whose partner has this mindset?

32:45How can I make sure that my future partner understands the importance of sharing parenting responsibilities equally? Signed, refusing to find myself bitching about a husband who won't pitch in. Interesting. Well, look, the reality is a lot of the primary parenting in most families traditionally falls to women, at least in conventional relationships. And yes, that means a lot of fathers out there, they don't know how to do basic things. They don't know how to feed a baby. They don't know how to change a diaper because it's just not their domain slash they've decided that they don't want it to be their domain, which honestly, I agree.

33:20It's a little sad because they're missing out on that experience, too. And I change diapers every day. I get bottles ready every day. It's so easy, by the way, to do that stuff. And it makes you feel more connected to the babies. But my dad, he never changed a diaper in his life and he brags about it. It's like, OK, but I'm not sure that's a bragging point that you've never actually had to clean up baby poop. I think it's kind of the opposite. It's a little sad. So is this a little unfair? Yeah, a little. I can definitely appreciate why a mom might be annoyed. Like, hey, dude, I birthed this baby.

33:54They're attached to my body virtually every second of the day. You can't find a freaking bottle. You can't do a couple dishes, man. I get it. I really think it's a little pathetic. And I think it also really depends on the expectations of the parents involved. If dad is working 70 hours a week in some office and he's the primary breadwinner and mom agreed to stay home and be with the baby and they've both openly discussed that and they're comfortable with that arrangement, then maybe that's fine. It's between them. I also still kind of think that expectations can change once babies are born. And you can't be like, well, you said before.

34:33And it's like, well, it's way harder than I thought. Well, tough Kishka, you still have to do this. And you can still find a freaking bottle and change a diaper here and there, right? When you get home, you can't be like, oh, you agreed. I'd never have to touch diapers. I mean, it's ridiculous. But what I actually find the most meaningful here is that you feel annoyed on their behalf. And I think what you're really saying is that you don't want to be in a marriage like this. And fair enough, those are your values. And I largely agree with them, I guess. So if you're wanting to make sure your future partner shares parenting responsibilities, then the answer is to talk to them about it and make sure you guys are on the same page in advance and tell them why it's important to you that they pitch in, that they know how to take care of a baby, get clear on what you guys can reasonably expect of each other.

35:21And maybe you even talk about some of your married friends, what you've noticed in their relationships, how you each feel about the way they co-parent or don't co-parent. And I think you'll know from their response whether they share that value too. It's really as simple as that. And yes, that's a crucial conversation to have in advance rather than waiting until you have a baby and then fighting about how unequal the responsibilities are when your newborn is screaming at 3.30 in the morning. As for advising your friends about this, again, I can't quite tell from your letter whether they're actually angry about this too.

35:54Maybe they're fine with this arrangement or they find it mildly irritating. The answer is obviously for them to talk to their partners and help them get up to speed on this stuff. I mean, if your friends want their husbands to do more on their own, then the only way is to tell them why this matters, teach them how to feed a baby, change a diaper, run the dishwasher, whatever it is that they're not doing. But again, your reaction to your friend's stories, I really do think that's revealing something about you. So more than anything, I would focus on that information and use it to guide your own conversations and decisions with future partners.

36:28There are definitely men out there who will be pumped to be involved. And, you know, maybe this is helping you realize that you want to find one of them, which is great. So good luck. And Gabe, you know what makes for a great gift for your mother-in-law when she flies out to pick up the slack because your useless husband can't do it? Products and services that support the show? Yeah, you got it. The products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday and you found the advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors.

37:00All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are on the website at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can always search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website as well. And we're going to be updating that real soon, so it's going to be even more useful. Thank you so much for supporting those who support the show. And now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, over the past couple years, my partner of over a decade has slowly distanced herself from me. We used to do everything together, cook, eat, sleep, watch TV, go on excursions, and now we don't do any activities together.

37:36A few months ago, she bought a second bed and now sleeps in another room. We haven't had sex in over a year. When we first started dating, I was very depressed, and I was messaging other women in inappropriate ways. What I did was not okay, and I've never done or thought about doing anything like that again. Almost a decade later, she still throws this back at me in every argument. Even when I think things are going smoothly, I can feel her hatred, and she will say the most hurtful things to me. We're seeing a therapist, and even in therapy I'm afraid to speak. If I do, she'll talk over me, or refute what I say.

38:12About six or seven years ago, she told me that she didn't think things were going to work out between us because she was in love with her manager at work, a woman she believed was her soulmate. I was very hurt and felt betrayed, but the whole thing seemed to blow over after a while. I forgave her, and never held that against her, and we never really talked about it again. I mentioned this event recently when she brought up my unfaithfulness again, and she said that what she said and how she felt was not infidelity, and that I'm delusional if I think that it was wrong. Now, more recently, she's made another new friend.

38:45She spends almost all of her time texting this girl, first thing in the morning and usually late into the night. She's very secretive about their relationship, but I've heard her refer to this woman's parents as mom and dad, and have overheard her say I love you too while talking on the phone. I once asked her what was going on with this girl, and she blew up at me, calling me delusional and jealous. I feel bad for invading her privacy, but a few days ago, I quickly looked at her phone and saw that they frequently send each other hearts, say I love you, and refer to each other as my love. They also talked about how I'm a problem.

39:18Am I really delusional for thinking that they're more than just good friends? Is the way I feel about this relationship just feelings and not actually the reality of the situation? signed reeling, concealing, and not really dealing with the fact that I've got some feelings about my gal's secret dealings. Wow. Okay. This is just brutal. A tale of two girlfriends today. What a smorgasbord of WTF. There's a lot going on here, man. Seriously. And also a lot not going on here. Yeah. Tell me about it. Okay. And so many of these stories, I find myself thinking it's the things you don't say that kill you.

39:55But we'll get to that in a second. So you don't need us to tell you this, but this relationship is deeply problematic. Your partner, who certainly does not seem to necessarily want to date men, but whatever, has distanced herself from you in several ways. You don't spend meaningful time together. You're not physically intimate. You don't really talk. You don't even sleep in the same room. She freaking fell in love with her manager at work three or four years into your decade-long relationship. She might be doing that again now with this new woman, certainly sounds like it. And overall, it sounds like you guys are harboring some very negative feelings about each other.

40:32Your communication is charged. It's largely broken down. And even though you're sort of working on things in therapy, which I applaud, it doesn't sound like you're even getting much out of it. So this is a cluster. It's not what a loving, healthy, supportive relationship looks like. It's just, it's not. So are you delusional for thinking that your partner and this new woman are more than just friends? Honestly, I don't know. Look, you saw the text. You're certainly not crazy to wonder, especially given her history. There's an obvious pattern here. And you certainly deserve to understand what role this new person plays in your partner's life.

41:07That is not unreasonable. So Gabe, I'm just going to come out and say it. Clearly his girlfriend is gay or bi or something, right? I'm assuming yes. But does she know that and she's hiding it or is she out and he knows this about her or is she just totally in denial and she's like, oh, OK, yeah, we're just friends except for I'm gay, obviously. Unclear. Are you thinking that that might be part of the reason she's being so secretive? I mean, it did occur to me. It's possible that she's cheating on him with women, even if it's just emotional cheating. But she's using the same sex thing to justify infidelity, which to me is really obvious.

41:43You know, like, hey, I'm not actually cheating on you. She's a woman, even though I send her hearts and call her parents mom and dad and in love with her. It's just it's kind of ridiculous to me. Could be. Or she's still coming to terms with her orientation. And these relationships with these women are just a way for her to, you know, gently, casually explore that. Sure. Either way, whatever's going on with this latest woman in the pattern. Doesn't sound good. No, not good. No, they text all the time late into the night. They refer to each other as my love. When you try to talk to her about it, she turns around and projects all over you and gaslights you about all this.

42:16They consider you a friggin problem. Yeah, that was the worst part. Oh, so brutal. I mean, it's just imagine if two guys were doing even 10 percent of this, it would be so obvious that they're gay to me. Right. And it's really sad and hurtful, even if they aren't romantic, full stop. So the feelings you're having now, maybe they accurately reflect the reality of the situation. Maybe they don't. But that doesn't mean your feelings are irrelevant. They're coming from somewhere. They're legitimate. And they're trying to tell you something about this relationship. Absolutely. And the notion that his feelings are only valid if his partner really is having an affair, that's important, too.

42:55I'm kind of getting the sense that it's hard for him to fully own his experience. You know, I'm feeling this way. I'm thinking these things. Is that legitimate? I don't know. Should I say something? He can't do that unless she is doing something objectively terrible, which, by the way, that might be part of the reason that he has stuck around for so long. Yeah, 100 percent. So from where I am sitting, it doesn't matter whether your partner is actually having an affair with this woman. No, that's a huge issue, of course. But it's just one aspect of a much deeper problem. Yes. That problem being your partner doesn't seem to care about you very much, to put it bluntly.

43:30I mean, she's not taking your feelings seriously. She's not being kind to you. She's being deceitful. She's being manipulative and she's being hurtful. My question is, why are you still in this relationship, dude? That's a question you have to answer for yourself. But I think you're already on to the answer here. And as you can tell, I definitely think it's time to leave. You have way more than enough information to know that this partnership, if you can even call it that at all, is not working. Not only is it not working, but it's actively harming you and holding you back from a healthier life, a stronger sense of self.

44:04And I just have to say that unequivocally. You got to get out. Getting out is clearly the answer. But the thing he really needs to understand to your point is why did he do this for the better part of a decade? Because obviously it takes two to tango. Right or to not tango, as the case may be. You know what, Jordan, there are some fascinating parallels with the couple in question, too, right? Those two were also avoiding some difficult conversations. But this couple never really talked about that manager she fell in love with. It just kind of, as he put it, blew over. He says he forgave her. Then he never held that against her.

44:36Yeah, which, by the way, if you don't even talk about it, can you even really forgive someone? Well, right. Are you really not holding that against her? Or is there a part of you that feels that that never really got resolved. And there's some resentment still buried deep down. There's got to be. I mean, he brought it up with her. Yeah, he brought it up again after saying that he was totally over and threw it back. Like, hey, remember when you fell in love with that woman? What about that? And even when things are going relatively smoothly, there's this nonverbal aggression between them, just this unspoken rage, which is just so uncomfortable.

45:07And even in therapy, he's afraid to speak because she's just going to talk over him or refute what he says. So yeah, that makes me wonder if their therapist is even up to snuff at all. I mean, that's a fascinating dynamic to bring into couples therapy. It's potentially very useful. But if she's just dominating him in every session and he can't even express himself, it's like, hello, is this therapist even really helping? Are they onto this? Who knows what's happening in there? But you're right. If he can't even speak, either because the therapist isn't making space for him when she railroads him or because he's censoring himself, then I agree.

45:39I just I don't know how helpful the therapy is going to be. So that is what he needs to work on, this avoidance piece, because, again, that's the main way that he has co-created this dynamic. And I'm sure that quality shows up in other parts of his life, and it'll definitely reappear in other relationships after this if he does not work on it now. Yeah, amen, Gabe. So you know what you got to do, but it's time to get curious about your side of the street here. That's just as important as why your girlfriend is carrying on with other people and treating you so poorly. my heart just hurts reading this letter, man.

46:12You deserve better. More importantly, you deserve an opportunity to get some distance from this mess and just be on your own so you can work on yourself. And as for your girlfriend, she needs to work on herself, but that's her business. I would just focus on your business and I'm wishing you the best, man. Good luck and get out of there, man. Just get out. All right. Next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I recently realized just how much energy I spend being somebody I want the world to see me as. I've always suffered from social anxiety and self-consciousness, but I've picked up strategies along the way to become a fairly successful and likable person.

46:49I try to show people warmth even when I'm uncomfortable, and I've been told that I come across as confident and laid back when I'm not. I'm also a people pleaser, prone to being a pushover and not completely honest when it comes to my thoughts and feelings. I find socializing exhausting, except when I'm with people I am extremely close to, and I don't have to think about or prepare for our exchanges. Even seeing good friends leaves me needing to recover from the effort. I want to be seen as friendly, interesting, interested, open-minded, cool, and kind, but I have some pretty unappealing personality traits, and no amount of acting is ever going to change them.

47:29I now feel an underlying anxiety around people realizing what I'm truly like, and I'm not so sure that I want to continue carrying that burden. I see people who are unapologetically themselves, and where once I would have pitied them for not having more self-awareness, now I envy them. I've considered dropping the act as a sort of social experiment and seeing what happens if I only act and speak 100 % authentically, but I'm afraid of the repercussions, and that isn't exactly easy to do. How do you relearn how to be yourself? Should I strive to be 100 % authentic? Or do we need a limit to our authenticity if we're going to have any hope of people wanting to be around us?

48:08And what is that line? Signed, dropping this crutch without losing my touch and being too much. Ooh, okay. Such a good question. What you're describing, it's something everyone listening right now deals with to some degree, including me, including Gabe, I'm sure. Absolutely. And it happens to be one of my favorite topics. So let's dig into it. First of all, this point you're at now, where you see this anxiety and self-consciousness clearly, where you're fed up with the mask you've put on for years, that is actually a great place to be. That is the first step towards relearning to be yourself. So well done there.

48:46At the same time, let's just take a moment to appreciate that this persona you've developed, yes, it's a burden, but it served an important function for you up until now. So when you said you show people warmth, even when you're uncomfortable, I definitely know how exhausting that must be. But in a way, I actually kind of admire that. What it tells me is that you're a kind person. You're aware that your anxiety might come off the wrong way. You're making a real effort to be sociable. And you know, we all have to do that sometimes. You don't want to go to a party and be the friggin ghost at the feast, right?

49:19You want to get on with people. You want to make them feel comfortable. You want to be part of things. so ideally you don't have to fake it but let's just appreciate that the qualities you value the most they say a lot about you and this is actually a very adaptive way of dealing with the anxiety so here's my take my little spiel on authenticity trying to be more authentic it's a fool's errand in a way because as soon as you're trying to be more yourself you're already admitting that you're not yourself which means that any attempt to be more authentic is just another mask that you're putting on.

49:52So instead of trying to be more authentic, it's usually more helpful to stop being inauthentic. In other words, don't try to be something you wish you were. Try to stop being something that you were not. And again, I know I sound like some annoying Zen master wannabe right now. So let me just be more specific. Break that down for us, Master Harbinger. Yeah, let me deconstruct this. Let's say you go to a party and you want to be seen as friendly and you want to be seen as interesting, kind, great, all wonderful qualities, all things you should aspire to. Although look, just as a side note, I genuinely believe that you have those qualities in you already.

50:27I really do. It's just that your particular brand of friendly or interesting or kind, they're being covered up right now. And they're being covered up by this impulse to convey them in a certain way to achieve certain goals. And again, I'll get back to that in a second. So you go to this party, right? And you want people to see you this way. So you put on a face, you put on a role, the role of the friendly, interesting, kind person, and maybe it kind of works. But even if it does work, it leaves you with some difficult feelings. It's a hollowness, maybe some depression, and oftentimes this underlying anxiety that people will realize what you are truly like.

51:05But you could also go to that party and say, I'm not going to work so hard to be all these things that I'm not. I'm not always the friendliest. I'm not always the coolest, whatever. Maybe I can just let that be okay and see what happens. So I'll give you an example. This is something I started doing like 15 years ago. And honestly, I still do this sometimes where if I'm at a party or a conference or an event or whatever, and I'm not feeling super outgoing, I'll literally just say to somebody, Hey, sorry, if I'm a seem standoffish, I wasn't really in the mood to be socializing today. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, a little anxious, maybe a little self-conscious, whatever the feeling is.

51:40I'll just say it. And man, when I tell you that nine out of 10 people respond to that by saying, oh my God, me too. Thank you for saying that. I'm not even kidding. Everyone feels this way to some degree, even people who are great at parties and those who aren't, they'll shrug it off and go, that's all right. We all get in those moods and it's fine. What happens when you say something like this, what happens next is, well, first you're carving out a little room for you to be yourself, which is a fricking relief big time, of course. And when you do that, you can calm down a little bit. You can physically feel yourself relax.

52:11You might still be a little anxious, but you've removed one huge layer of conflict, which is trying to be something other than what you are, which is often where most of the anxiety comes from. And the other thing that happens is you give the other person permission to be more themselves, which puts them at ease and reduces even more pressure on you to please them. I remember one night, another quick story. I was at this dinner party years ago. I'm sitting at a table with 10, 12 other people. I had just broken up with somebody and I was just miserable, just hating every moment. And I could tell that people were kind of thinking like, who's the serial killer?

52:50Not talking to anybody, just scowling into his broccolini. And finally I turned to the woman sitting next to me and I did the thing. I was like, Hey, I'm sorry for being the absolute worst person you could sit next to tonight. I just ended a relationship and I want to be home watching a movie in my pajamas. And I swear this woman's whole demeanor changes. And she goes, me too. My boyfriend just broke up with me. It sucks. This is the first time out of the house in three days. And we ended up having a really nice conversation about our relationships. And I even surprised myself. I managed to be kind of funny, a little self-deprecating, a little bit charming, dare I say.

53:28But it wasn't because I was trying to be charming. It was because I stopped trying to not be Debbie Downer in the corner table. And then this more spontaneous organic part of me was just able to pop out. So that's what I'm talking about. And I know it feels like a huge risk because it's like, well, if I'm not trying to be better, aren't I just settling for being kind of meh? But you're not. What you're actually doing is clearing the debris that's covering up all those qualities that you wish you could express in that moment or that you wish you had. Wow. What you're actually doing is clearing the debris that's covering up the qualities she wishes she had, which she does have already, but she's trying to overplay them or compensate with other qualities that are not really the point at all.

54:13Exactly. That's so important. Yeah. I love that. You could still work on yourself. You can always be better. I'm not saying you don't need to grow anymore or whatever, but you can't really grow until you get in touch with these parts of yourself. And you have to slowly start inviting them out to play a little bit. Ah, Jordan, I love that. I've had the exact same experience in my life. So yes, 100%, I think you nailed it. But listen, while you do everything Jordan just described, I would also explore the roots of this inauthenticity because struggling to be authentically you, that's always the product of certain messages we get early on in life, you know, from our culture, from our friends, but more than anything, spoiler alert, just saving you like three years of therapy right here.

54:55It usually starts with our parents and you're already onto that. Like you said, you're a people pleaser. You're prone to being a pushover, not being completely honest when it comes to your thoughts and your feelings. So my question for you is when did that impulse begin when you want to please people? Why does that feel so important? So urgent? What are you really trying to accomplish by doing that? Here's an interesting question. If you were honest with your thoughts and feelings, What do you think would happen? Are you afraid that people might turn on you or run away, reject you, maybe make you feel kind of silly for having those thoughts and feelings?

55:30Because look, when we feel the need to be someone we're not, it's often because somebody early on was not able to really accept and validate who we were. That's just what it is. And that means like all the parts of us, not just the qualities or the needs that were convenient to them. Then what happens is we develop this persona, this persona that's designed to get us what we want, which often means in early childhood, just to stay alive, to stay safe, keep people happy because our true self that feels too risky. And that's when the mask starts to develop. And that's when the shame also starts to develop and the anxiety.

56:06So like if you have a meltdown when you're a kid and your mom kind of like recoils and withdraws from you, or maybe even gets mad at you for being upset, you learn pretty quickly that you can't bring your fear or your anger or your anxiety to mom and you don't want to alienate your parent right you need them so you put those feelings away or you try to and you can see where i'm going with this you can imagine how that plays out with all sorts of qualities and needs and impulses spontaneous impulses but the price you pay for that persona to jordan's point is often depression and anxiety and self-consciousness And again, a lot of shame because that true self is still there.

56:44It's still underneath the surface. It wants to come out and it actually needs to be acknowledged and accepted, but it can't as long as you keep up the act. So I know all of this is pretty intense, but my invitation to you is to get in touch with that true self as much as you can. And you can do that on your own at first. You know, you can journal about it. You can talk to your friends about it. You can experiment here and there with opening up a little more. You don't need to be 100 % authentic at first. You can be 10%, 20 % more authentic. See how it goes. But even better, I would talk to a therapist about this because this true self, false self theme, that is often one of the greatest things you can explore in therapy.

57:24And it's kind of the point, I think, one of the big points of going to therapy is getting back in touch with that person. And listen, you might not believe me right now, but the funny thing is those unappealing personality traits that you talked about, those are often the best parts of you. Yes, they're a little risky, but they're also kind of amazing. And they're the pieces of you that other people usually end up relating to the most, because you got to remember most people you interact with, they're working really hard to deny those same qualities in themselves. So this is kind of your superpower if you can get in touch with it.

57:59Wow. Well, you nailed it, Gabe. It's the dinner party all over again. The thing that made me feel like a leper that night was actually the one thing that allowed me to connect with that woman. And that's just a dumb dinner party. What we're talking about now is a way of moving through life and bringing all of yourself to your relationships, which frankly could be really exciting. As for the limit to authenticity, you're going to find that for yourself. You'll feel it. But honestly, I'm not worried about you turning into a monster. You're so far in the other direction. It's basically impossible.

58:31You're not going to be like, I'm going to be authentic, dot, dot, dot, Harvey Weinstein. Okay. It's not the limit to authenticity in my view is when your honesty, your likability, your humor, when those qualities start to come at somebody else's expense. And by that, I mean, you're hurting someone's feelings or you're dominating the conversation. You're making people feel uncomfortable. And the Harvey Weinstein example is real, right? He was one of the most authentic leaders of our time. That's not what we want, you know? And what you're talking about when you go so far in that direction, it's not necessarily even authenticity.

59:02It's being a narcissist. It's being a terrible person. And by the way, you can still keep an eye on that without driving yourself crazy. There's a difference between being self-conscious and being self-aware. That's important to remember too. So I hope that gives you some new angles here. I love your willingness to work on this. I really do. I know that it's scary, but it's such important work and it's something we all have to do. So don't beat yourself up for struggling with it. I know there's a lot more of you to appreciate in yourself. And that's where authenticity starts. So dive into that.

59:33And I know it'll bring you into some really great relationships, including the one you have with yourself. So putting down my yoga instructor hat here. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Bradley Hope on North Korea and Lieutenant John Norris on illegal weed growing in California. If you haven't done that yet. If you want to know how I managed to find and book these amazing guests, it's always, always, always about my network of amazing people. And you should build your own network, even if you don't have a podcast.

1:00:05Our six-minute networking course, which is free, will teach you how to do that. It's on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course. Build relationships before you need them. Dig the well before you get thirsty. They take a few minutes a day, those drills. It's not fluff. It's really been life-changing for me. Again, free jordanharbinger.com slash course. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Our constantly upgraded GPT chatbot with all promo codes and all Feedback Friday answers ever and every guest, every question you could possibly think of to ask one of us, well, maybe, could be answered by this AI chatbot over at jordanharbinger.com slash AI.

1:00:50I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogerty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. And I'm a lawyer, but I ain't your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on this show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

1:01:23In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. Here's a trailer from my interview with Layla Ali, daughter of legendary boxer Muhammad Ali. She's got a great story about how she ended up the only other boxer in her family and how she carries her father's legacy. Whether you're into sports or not, I think you're really going to dig it. You have to have it in you to want to be a fighter. It's not something that you just go, oh, I think I'll just try boxing, you know, because you're going to get your ass beat if you don't have it in you.

1:01:56When you get that opportunity, it was a brawl. I mean, it was bloody. It was like crazy. And I was like, I want to do that. You would think anyone punching you would hurt, right? Yeah, sure. But as fighters, it's like, oh, that person can punch. That person can't. Tapping you. Tap, tap, tap. And then every once in a while, that bam, that hard one. Oh, OK, I felt that. If you're listening to your camp saying she's nothing and she this or she that. And then you have to get your ass in there. And then you feel that punch like, no, she can punch. No, she's not just a pretty baby. You see me across that ring looking at you like, yeah, remember all that stuff you talk?

1:02:22Now it's about to happen. Just me and you. Nobody else can get in there with you. You know, and it's like, I'm going to remind you of all the things you said. They didn't know that street side of me. Not everyone has that. You don't have to. Sure. But I do. Now you get to meet someone. You just see how they walk. See how they hold this up. See if there's any fear in their eyes. What was your father's reaction to you wanting to box? He didn't like it. No? No. You guys were sparring before you even put the gloves on. Oh, yeah. He supported me, though. He came to a lot of my fights. He couldn't beat all of them.

1:02:46I could always see that glare in his eyes of him being proud and just to come into that arena and having everyone chanting, Ali, Ali. And you just see him light up to see me in that ring and him just remembering himself. Our boxing styles were similar, the way I'm shaped, my body shape. So just seeing all of that had to be a super crazy experience for him. For more with Layla Ali, check out episode number 309 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.

1:03:16This episode is sponsored in part by Conspirituality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling New Age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy-mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspirituality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

1:03:48An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspirituality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics. Find Conspirituality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.