893: Make Ex's Hard Life Nice without Self-Sacrifice? | Feedback Friday

24:08Or someone might go, and this is very common. This is sort of a six-minute networking thing right here. Oh, you should go talk to vice dean so-and-so. She just earmarked funds for programs like this. and bam, you got a meeting with the person who could take this a long way to making it happen. You just never know and it all starts by sharing your excitement, opening up about what you're doing. The second thing that I would do is start putting one or two pieces of the idea together but in a way that is super small and I mean like ridiculously small. For example, if I were in your shoes, I'd schedule a Zoom for three, four, five coaches you know at your college, even other colleges and just tell them your story.

24:49Tell them you feel the system isn't designed to address what you guys go through. Share the broad strokes of the organization that you want to start. And then I would ask them, are you guys feeling the same way? Would something like this be helpful to you? What would you want out of it? And hear them out. Take notes. Make these people your first users. And again, you never know what'll happen. Somebody might go, hey, sorry, I don't think this is going to speak to coaches at my institution. Here's why. And then you can take that into account or somebody might go, wow, I'd love to help you build this.

25:22And you got your first partner. I mean, this is all serendipitous stuff that this is how things happen. Totally, I love that idea. But you know, my gut is telling me that these people are going to go, oh, hell yeah, we need this. Like finally somebody gets it because they're in her shoes too. Same here. I think these people are going to respond hard to this idea. So my other recommendation is this organization you want to start to share resources. I would just start doing that informally now. you can be this organization at first. No, just what you need, another job, right? You've been through some real stuff now.

25:53You've learned a lot about how to show up for people, how to manage stress, how to seek out support. So you can create a one-page crisis plan, or you could send an email to another coach who's going through a tough time, or you could share a list of good books and websites you've read about handling the challenges of being a coach. Whatever people need, their needs are gonna tell you what this organization essentially should be. and you just start small like that. You chip away day by day and the program will build itself. I love it, Jordan. That's exactly the right approach. My only other thought is I would stay open to what this thing looks like.

26:27This might in fact be a nonprofit that works with athletics departments to do trainings and offer counseling, but it could also be a website with a really great resource hub or a monthly Zoom call for coaches around the world or an Instagram account or a WhatsApp group or who knows, one day it could become a book or all of the above at different stages. But at this stage, the only thing you need to focus on is the need for a service like this and the solution that you want to provide. What that solution ultimately looks like and how it reaches people, that's what you'll discover as you go. Part of the fun is watching your vision evolve as more and more people jump on the bandwagon and offer their own ideas.

27:07And look, new challenges are going to pop up and those will tell you what this program could be. So I'm with Jordan. I think this idea is absolutely brilliant. But more than the idea itself, I think it's brilliant that you're so attuned to what you need as a coach, because another person in your shoes might have thrown up their hands and just gone, you know, there's no support for coaches. This job is way too intense. I give up. I'm out. Or I'm going to continue, but I'm just going to chug along and be miserable because that's just the way the system is. You're looking at all of this after going through some objectively difficult stuff, and you're saying something's not right here and I want to be the one to fix it.

27:41And that mindset is just phenomenal. Could not agree more, Gabe. This is the kind of person who actually should start a nonprofit or college initiative. Yes. Her sense of purpose is very personal. It's urgent. And I think that's going to make her very influential when it comes to this. And hey, I'm so sorry that all of this happened to you, but I'm also so glad that it led you here because I have a feeling this is the start of something really special for you and potentially for a lot of other people who could really use it. So good luck, coach. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise.

28:15Try to use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a lot easier. If you're finding a dead squirrel in the mailbox, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, you're feeling guilty for stealing money from your parents to fund your heroin addiction, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're every email anonymous. Okay, next up. Hey guys, my husband of 14 years has had three affairs that I'm aware of anyway. He's 67, I'm 61, and I'm his fourth wife. Okay. I've been talking about this with a psychologist, and she advised me to accept his infidelity and set boundaries.

28:53For example, that he can't communicate with his girlfriends while he's at home. Hmm. Okay. My husband is a dentist and my therapist says that they're the most narcissistic of all professions. So dentist wives just need to understand their personality traits. I've seen this quality in him for years, but I'm not sure how long I should accept it. She says that because of my age, I should just continue in this marriage. Yes, we're old, but my heart hurts. Complicating matters is that I don't have children of my own and his kids and grandkids are my world. But I'm incredibly astounded by this advice.

29:30Is this a valid reason to just look the other way? Do you agree with this advice? Signed, pissed at my therapist. Interesting story. Yeah, this can't be a real therapist. This is the worst. This is, there's no way. I don't know. I mean, look, okay, this is unexpected. I've got to say we've never been asked this explicitly to chime in on something a therapist said to one of our listeners. It feels a little intrusive or something, but I don't know. I'm not going to lie. It's also kind of thrilling. Yeah. As I was about to say, it's a little fun to do. Yeah. We'll tread lightly. I think as long as you understand that Gabe and I are not therapists and we are definitely not your therapists as much as it might feel that way sometimes.

30:11Yeah. I want to tread lightly here. We're only going on your account of what your therapist said. And I'm not too keen on inserting myself into your process with this person, which is yours and yours alone. But that said, cracks knuckles aggressively. I am shocked and taken aback by your therapist's opinion. That's why I'm like, is this even a real therapist? Maybe I'm shocked not even for the reason that you might expect. Because yes, I do find it strange and rather invalidating that your therapist is listening to you talk about how your husband is at three affairs that you know about. And her response is, well, you got to accept it because he's a narcissistic dentist and you're old.

30:48I'm just stunned by that take. And I'm not saying that if you wanted to stick around, it's not a legitimate choice if that's ultimately what you want to do. But I am flabbergasted that a therapist would advise you outright to do that. I mean, plot twist, the therapist is also banging your husband and that's why she's telling you to do this. I'm so mystified. What was that you said a moment ago about treading lightly? We are not treading lightly. Yeah, oh, sorry. That was not, that's the opposite. I'm stomping on this. That's cool, that's fine. Let's do it, I'm here for it. For crying out loud.

31:18But what I'm more concerned about is that your therapist is telling you what to do at all. To be fair, there are different opinions about this. Some therapists, I want to say most therapists, they believe their job is not to tell a patient what to do, but to be in a process with them, right? It's that whole thing where they're helping the patient arrive at a decision that is right for them. Even if that's not what the therapist would do personally. My personal bias is that approach is probably the most helpful. Not just because it's not really a therapist's place to tell a patient what to do, unless maybe it's a true emergency and the patient is putting themselves or someone else in danger.

31:53That's a different thing. But because it's important for a patient to work through things and learn to make these choices for themselves. Being told what to do, that's more like life coaching than therapy. And those are not the same thing. I recognize other therapists feel differently. And there are patients who love that. In fact, look, I was catching up with a friend the other day, and she told me something like, yeah, my therapist said, I need to stop dating guys who do this, and I need to get on a dating app and find somebody who's more like that, and I need to remember that I'm a catch. And in my head, I was like, oh, okay, maybe that's oversteppy.

32:27It sounds a little coachy and results-oriented, but if it's helpful to you, that's cool, I guess. To be fair, my friend is doing better in her dating life, so maybe she was just a broken record, and the therapist was like, look, you know, here's a reframe. Maybe that's what her relationship with her therapist allows. more power to or whatever. I hear you, Jordan. I'm with you on this. And it's funny because I also recently met a guy who told me a story like this. He was an athlete, actually. And we were chilling at this party. We were talking about life. And he goes, yeah, my therapist said I need to start microdosing mushrooms again.

32:57And I was like, OK, hold up. What? I don't know. That doesn't sound right to me. I mean, no shade on psychedelics whatsoever. But let me just get this straight. Your therapist, presumably a licensed mental health professional and not a psychiatrist who's prescribing psychedelics clinically or whatever, they're actually advising you to pop some shrooms as part of their treatment? I don't know. Something about it just didn't sound quite right. Yeah, I haven't heard that one before. And you know that he's not a psychiatrist actually prescribing psychedelics because usually you don't say, yeah, my therapist told me I need to start microdosing mushrooms again.

33:31I don't think there's an Rx for that. No, he's just telling him to do it in his apartment. That's a different... Anyway, I asked him a few more questions and sure enough, he's like, yeah, my therapist is a former MMA. fighter. He's pretty unconventional. He really gets athletes. And then a few minutes later, this guy casually mentions to me that he's an addict. The therapist is an addict? No, no. He himself is an addict. So I was like, got it. No, just red flags left and right, basically. Hey, you should do a bunch of street drugs. I know you're an addict that's in recovery, but this is totally different because they're mushrooms and you can't get addicted to them.

34:04I heard it on a podcast. It is a different class of substance, a different, I understand they prescribe it for addiction, but it just doesn't add up. Yeah. Usually you don't microdose it, though, I would imagine. You do it with supervision. Isn't that kind of a, oh God, why are we even going down this path? Obviously the guy's talking out of his ass. Yeah. So this is just another crackerjack ass therapist in air quotes who might or might not have experienced one too many concussions and is not going to supervise the use of illicit drugs that he's supposedly advised you to take. Now, I mean, look, not that a therapist can't have their own issues, but it seems like maybe it's time to get a second opinion there.

34:37Look, who knows if this guy's even a therapist. This could be a life coach who he just calls his therapist. People do that sometimes. Have you ever noticed that? They'll be like, my therapist Lydia said I need to take more chances. And then it turns out Lydia is just this woman in their apartment complex who does like body work and likes to give advice in the elevator. Yeah. Don't even get me started on the Lydia's of this world. I don't even want to give too much away, but I went somewhere and I got like a massage and I was like, that was pretty good. And he's like, yeah, just consider me your movement guru.

35:07And I was like, no, I will not be doing that. You, sir, are a masseur. And that is the end of our transaction. Yeah, this is a mediocre massage. I'm not going to be asking you about how to get my hip capsule to open up. This is not where this leads. And maybe people think we're a couple of Lydia's. Maybe the irony is we're sitting here every Friday just being Lydia's all day. We don't have licenses in counseling either, unless you count law, which is counseling in a completely different sector. So maybe I just need to shut the hell up now. I don't know. I don't know. I've been wanting to tell you for a while that you are such a Lydia Jordan.

35:40Yeah. Go fill your shroom prescription, Gabriel. Anyway, what concerns me most here is that your therapist is telling you, yeah, you should stay with your husband rather than actually helping you explore everything that these affairs, multiple affairs that you know about have brought up for you and then make a decision for yourself. That is what I just find astounding. Yeah, same here. But I find it extra astounding because to your point, this does not sound like particularly great advice to stay with your cheating husband because you guys are old and he's a dentist and he's not going to change and you're the one who needs to draw boundaries.

36:13Like the boundary, by the way, in question is no talking to your side pieces inside the house. I'm just realizing just how fricking bizarre this is. Hey, no cheating in the house, Frank, take it outside. That's why we have free nights and weekends. Wow. Free nights and weekends. Wow. That is a great reference. That is a very dated reference. Yeah. Our listeners born after 9-11 just went, what the hell is he talking about right now? Well, kids, there was a time when you paid for a certain amount of minutes on your cell phone plan, and you know what, just Google it. I do not feel like explaining to people on TikTok who use that as their primary form of communication, how singular wireless used to approach customers from Sprint and why you always called your grandma on Sunday.

36:53Oh yeah, you did always do that, that's true. Yeah, of course, because she's going to talk for 45 minutes and that's all you had for the week, except if you had free nights and weekends. Is this a valid reason to look the other way on your husband's affairs? I think you could tell how we feel about that. What I'm hearing is that your husband, who apparently has some narcissistic tendencies, I mean, he is a dentist after all, has cheated on you multiple times. Wait, we have to talk about that. I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but we need to circle back to that. I'm so confused about that assessment about dentists.

37:22I think we Google that and find out that there's absolutely no basis for this. Is that real? I don't get it. It's going to be like one of those articles in Cosmo where it's like, top narcissistic professions and it's like medical and it includes everything medical and then it's like legal and includes everything legal and then it's like CEO entrepreneur and it basically covers everybody who's not a school teacher or a cab driver. I don't know. It's a ridiculous assertion. I just don't understand like where that comes from. Is it because their teeth are nice? I don't even think we can look for logic in this.

37:52The therapist is clearly just making shit up as she goes entirely and I think the guys had multiple affairs. That's painful. That makes sense. If you don't want to look the other way, that's perfectly valid. And it's not like he's going to stop having affairs. You caught him three times. You're his fourth wife. Gabe, oh gosh, I don't even know if I should say this, but I wonder if you're the fourth wife, was he cheating on his third wife with you or am I just being unfair and speculating and not, and probably shouldn't have said that. I mean, it's a little speculation, but it could be accurate.

38:20Hard to say. Okay. So yeah, honestly, I'm a lot more interested in inviting you to explore why you have put up with your husband's infidelity for so long. And here's another thing, Gabriel. This isn't just like me being like, that's a lot of wives. Maybe she's the other woman. If you were the other woman, maybe you feel like you have to put up with that because you were the other woman in the previous, I don't know. Now I am being a Lydia. That's what's happening. I get why you might feel the need to look the other way. Whether your age should factor in here. I don't know, you're 61. That doesn't sound that old to me, frankly.

38:55Maybe because I'm 43 and maybe that's because I'm old too, in air quotes. How your husband's kids and grandkids make it harder to leave, I understand that. I mean, there's just a lot going on here. And if you explored all of that in therapy and you got to a place where you decided, okay, this is who my husband is, I can accept having the kind of marriage where he has other relationships and I'm here for different reasons and I can be happy with that, I'd say, fine, as long as you're clear on all this, that's your choice. I don't know if I'd make the same one, but it's your choice. And if you got to a place where you decided, you know what?

39:26this is hurtful, this is unfair, this is not the marriage I want to be in and it doesn't matter how I got here, but I'm getting the hell out. You're never too old to respect yourself. Then also great. That's your choice. I think candidly that's probably the healthier one, but again, I am not qualified to make that assessment. What's important here is that you're navigating all of this with as much awareness and insight as possible and that you have a healthy relationship with your own needs and your own feelings without getting just dumb ass advice from somebody else. like us. Agreed, because putting aside the quality of this therapist's advice, what I'm hearing is that by telling you what to do, she's kind of missing you, right?

40:05She's pushing you toward a certain conclusion, a conclusion that might also be informed by certain biases of hers, which is another concern, but we don't need to go down there. So my advice, give this therapist another think. If you don't feel comfortable with her, if you don't feel that you're growing, that's an important signal that I would listen to. But also, before you ditch this person, I would actually recommend bringing all of this up with her, your concerns about her advice, that she's steering you in a direction, a certain direction. I think that's absolutely fair. And her response will tell you a lot about whether she's the right person for you.

40:37Also, I would definitely check out two Feedback Friday questions we took about how to find a good therapist and how to avoid a bad one. That was question five on episode 624 and question one on episode 792. Those are going to be money for you right now, especially how to avoid a bad one. There are some ideas in there that will speak directly to this conversation that you might want to have. And I'm really sorry about your husband. It sucks, full stop. I hope you find the answers that you're looking for. And I hope the answers that you find are truly your own. And thanks for letting us meddle in your life in a way that we promised literally minutes ago that we wouldn't.

41:13You know what'll sparkle that smile that your narcissistic dentist just polished up? The amazing products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday, you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support one of our amazing sponsors, or more than one for that matter. All the links and discount codes and ways to support the show are at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website as well. We've got that thing speeding up.

41:43Should have the latest promo codes. Or you can just be lazy AF and email me, jordan at jordanharbinger.com, and someone will dig up the code for you. Don't be that guy. Or do. Use our codes. Either way. Thank you so much for supporting those who support the show. It keeps things going, and we certainly really appreciate that. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I've been happily married for over 15 years, and we have two wonderful kids. I've worked hard and moved up the corporate ladder at my job, resulting in a salary bump and allowing my wife to quit her 9-to-5 to pursue other interests.

42:19She ended up opening a small business in our local community where I became her biggest fan, helping get the business off the ground by providing financial support as well as investing my time. Although my wife is very talented, the business has seen only modest success and during COVID actually ended up being a tax write-off. Since the business opened, we've been fortunate enough to move into a new home and have enough income to travel, buy new cars, save for retirement, fund the kids' college fund, etc. etc. The business has not contributed to this, which I'm okay with. But all of our friends and family believe that the change in social status is a result of her business, not my hard work and years of dedication.

43:00Even our kids applaud their entrepreneurial mom, while dad just quote unquote works on the computer all day. My wife seems to be more than okay with the narrative, often playing up her contributions to our local community as a successful small business owner and employer. I've never really been one to beat my own drum, and I don't want to tear her down to prop myself up, but I feel a little disparaged. Any conversation with her about this does not end well, and usually results in my wife telling me that I am not supportive. Should I be content knowing that my work is appreciated by my employer and be grateful that I can play the role of provider, even if it is behind the scenes?

43:39Is there a way to elevate yourself without diminishing your better half. Signed, Letting My Wife Shine While Trying Not to Whine. Interesting. Very interesting. I don't know why, Gabe, but there's something funny about this story. I know it's not funny to him, but I just can't help but chuckle a little bit because his wife is playing up this narrative like, I'm this successful entrepreneur, breadwinner, creator of jobs, and he's sitting across from her thinking like, okay, Bezos, I was the one who invested 40 grand of the money I earned at the job I'm actually crushing to get this business off the ground.

44:11The business lost money during COVID. But by all means, Tiffany, tell all of our friends how your crystal and incense shop that makes three sales a day is paying for the new Escalade and Maddie's Dartmouth tuition. I'd love to hear all about that. Wow, that was great. I just got such a glimpse into this family. That was awesome. I know I'm just being an a-hole here. We're having a laugh. I know this is distressing to you. So look, I have a couple thoughts. First of all, it is clear that your wife takes pride in this business, as she should, man. owning a business, even a small one, even one that's not doing that great.

44:42It's a big accomplishment and just not having something that failed immediately. And I'm guessing that your wife was looking for some purpose or meaning in her life. And it sounds like she found it in the business. And I totally understand that feeling. I'm sure that having the respect of your kids and your friends and your family and even strangers probably means a lot to her as it would to anyone. And maybe she's a little bit intoxicated on some of that. At the same time though, her embracing this narrative, it feels like it comes at your expense. And when she doesn't do anything to correct the record, you feel disparaged as a result, which is an interesting word to use.

45:18You know, it kind of bugs me. You're not given credit where credit's due. You feel diminished. You feel like she doesn't appreciate your worth. And then that's compounded by the kids who are like, oh, you just work on spreadsheets or whatever. And you know, I do get it. I understand. I don't think this is just about the money. I think it's also about how the people in your life perceive your effort, how they appreciate your investments. My advice would have been to talk to your wife about all this, but you tried that and it didn't go well. Her response is that you're not being supportive, which, I mean, we got to read between the lines here.

45:50I think that means one of two things. Either your wife is missing something crucial here, and when you try to tell her why this bothers you, she can only hear that as my work is the only thing that matters, and I'm not excited for you and your business, which sounds incorrect because you've objectively been a champion to her financially, emotionally, and logistically. So there's that. Or maybe you're just not articulating this to her in the most helpful way, which is also possible and could be compatible with the first thing. Obviously, we don't know how you're articulating all this, but part of me wonders if you're saying, hey, I don't like that all our friends and family think you're the reason we can go to Hawaii every year and put money away in our retirement account.

46:29Your business is great, but it's not the moneymaker here or some version of that. And maybe that makes it easier for your wife to interpret that as you not being supportive somehow. Now, I doubt that you're being that obtuse. You're probably being pretty thoughtful. But there's some understandable anger and frustration on your part here. And maybe that makes it harder for you to recognize her for her hard work, regardless of what the scoreboard says, while you point out that she's not honoring your success in return. Something worth considering before you have this conversation with her again.

47:01It's a very good point, Jordan. And it's funny, what rubs me the wrong way about all this, this might be my own bias talking, but what weirds me out about this is that his wife is living in a different reality here. This isn't just about recognizing who makes the money in the family. It's actually about believing in the same set of facts. Like when his wife plays up the story that she's the reason their family is doing so well, I think it freaks him out a little bit. It would freak me out anyway, not just because it's like, well, what am I, chopped liver? but because it's like, yo, you understand how finances work, right?

47:32We both have the same understanding of why we are where we are, correct? There's the social angle here, you know, the opinion of their friends and their family. But on a deeper level, I wonder if he maybe kind of resents that his wife is willfully buying into and also promulgating a very different set of facts about how they have arrived at this really wonderful position in life and doing so to benefit herself. I think that's why I was kind of laughing at the beginning, because there's something just awkward and deeply uncomfortable about that. How do you turn to your spouse and say, honey, you're a little nuts and I need you to come back to reality so that we can be on the same page here?

48:08Right. It's a spicy banana. I'm sorry, a what? I meant to say spicy meatball, but I just thought I would let that ride. Okay, I thought for a second that was a phrase I didn't know. That sounds like you just described another weird Trader Joe's snack I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. Bananas in a pickle. Spicy bananas and a pickle. Yeah. That does sound like something on the shelf that I would just breeze right past. I have some weird shit at that store. Okay. Yeah, but I agree with you. To your point, it's tough because this comes at her expense. Because she seems to have enjoyed this boost from being seen as powerful and effective.

48:43And he's essentially threatening to take that away from her by asking her to be accurate. But the reason I feel for him here is that he's not saying he's not proud of her. He's not saying her business isn't important. He's just saying, hey, can you maybe give me the same recognition? Because I'm working my ass off over here, and it doesn't feel good to not be recognized at all. That's not crazy to me. It's not crazy. That's what he needs to help her see if he hasn't done that already. But he needs to do it in a way that doesn't sound like he's diminishing her or dismissing her in the process of standing up for himself.

49:16That's where they seem to be getting tripped up. Yeah, I think you're right. It's also possible that his wife is kind of delusional. I know I'm speculating here, but the more we talk about this, I see a lot of MLM parallels where people who write in, they're like, my wife's in an MLM and she's losing money. And she's like, yay, I earned the level where you get a cruise. And he's like, and now we're paying$600 for the free cruise. And I'm just like, this sounds so much like that. And I'm adding some to the letter that wasn't there. Okay, this is not an MLM. But the more we talk about this, the harder it is for me to understand how someone with a money losing business sees themselves as a successful small business entrepreneur and employer.

49:57Being in business is a success. Okay, technically, I will agree with you there, but it's a little worrisome to be like, yes, this is all my doing when your balance books are like, yeah, you need to quadruple your business or your husband's cutting a big check again. So should you just be content knowing your work is appreciated by your employer? Just be grateful you can be the provider behind the scenes. okay, yes and no. I love that your employer appreciates you. I think it's great that you feel valued in your career in a way that doesn't entirely depend on your family, but I don't think that means you need to settle for being underappreciated or deliberately misrepresented by your wife.

50:31Yes, you have a lot to be grateful for, and it's fair to expect your wife to recognize you for your contributions just as you do for her. Whatever you do, I'd aim to make room for both of your contributions and accomplishments, financial and otherwise, and try to subscribe to the same set of facts, be in the same reality. That's the real issue here. But what do I know? I'm just a guy that talks on a microphone all day, according to my kids. So good luck. All right. What's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, 20 years ago, I used to smuggle Bibles into China. One time when trying to take Bibles over the border, I was caught, taken aside, and had to turn all of them in.

51:12Officials took my passport and ran it through the computer. They eventually let me go, and the next day I was back to smuggling more Bibles over in a backpack. Wow, gutsy move, man. Brazen, that's intense. I would love to visit China again at some point, as the country itself is great, excluding, of course, the government. But with how hostile this current government is toward religion, I would be nervous about crossing that border again, even though I wouldn't be doing anything wrong this time. How do I know if I'm on a list somewhere in China? Will I be sent to a labor camp if I cross the border?

51:44do I write China off for the rest of my life? Or is my brain simply going to the worst case scenario and I'll probably be fine? Signed, risk whatever happens or avoid the red dragon. Wow, I mean, good question. This is brazen, man. That's the kind of thing that's gotten people into serious trouble in North Korea. Do you remember, was his name Kenneth Bae? Yeah, I think it was. I think it was him. He smuggled Bibles into North Korea and he was in a prison for years and years. That was a very tragic situation. I know China is not as brutal as North Korea, of course, but smuggling Bibles into any authoritarian regime that bans them, that is very risky.

52:23And I'm honestly relieved you got off so easily because this could have gone very differently. We wanted an expert's opinion here, so we decided to run all of this by my buddy Matthew Tai, aka LauY86, aka C-Milk. He has a lot of dumb nicknames. He's a YouTube blogger. He's a human rights advocate. He's a friend of the show. He lived in China for 10 plus years. runs a whole channel all about China. So he's kind of become one of our resident China slash Chinese law experts here. And you can hear him on the China show, which I watch every week on YouTube. We'll link to that in the show notes. Lao Wai was very blunt.

52:54He said, you are absolutely on a list in China. The fact that you were taken aside, the fact that Bibles were confiscated in Matt's experience, that means that what you did was serious enough to get them to stop you. That wasn't, you know, trying to take a tax-free watch into the country to make a couple extra rambos, Lao Wai, Matt, said that this Bible thing, it was always a crime, but now it's taken very seriously. Back then, it was probably like, all right, you know, can't bring these in. So in all likelihood, this was a pretty serious crime in the eyes of the Chinese. Again, as evidenced by the fact they scanned your passport, I mean, that kind of tells you everything they need to know about where your name is.

53:35They have your name. They know you did that. Now, in his view, in Matt's view, the Chinese don't want to nab you for no reason. they probably just don't want you in their country. But let's say that they did give you a visa to visit, a new one, or you've got your old one. Lauwai said that personally, he would not risk it. I know I'm in that camp too, because you could potentially be a bigger target for hostage diplomacy if something else were to happen between China and the United States. You just never know what kind of international shenanigans you might get swept up in. To say nothing of how tough and capricious the criminal systems in countries like China can really be.

54:11I mean, you think the United States is bad and has draconian punishment. At least we have some rule of law. You have courts. You can communicate with people. I mean, China, that ain't it. So yeah, I'd stay away. You burned this country, man. Definitely. Especially because the criminal code in China, it's not fair. It's not reliable. Concepts like a statute of limitations. Oh, I did that a long time ago. Criminal procedure. Let's just say they're flexible, depending on what the government really wants to do. You just don't want to go up against that government. And big thanks to Lao Wai for his expertise here.

54:44If you want to learn more about him and his work, again, I highly recommend the Lao Wai 86 channel on YouTube, The China Show, fantastic content there. Also, check out my two-part interview with him on the Chinese social credit score system. That was episode 643 and 644, one of my favorites on that. Lots of other good countries to visit, man. A lot of fun places. Taiwan is amazing. It's safe for the moment anyway. There's so many great places to visit in Asia. You're going to have just as much fun there, I promise. But just to be safe, maybe go ahead and leave the King James at home. Vacation is a lot more fun when you don't spend it in a gulag.

55:18Hope you all enjoyed the show. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Andrea Dunlop on Munchausen and Tim Urban on political thinking without being political, if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business, by the way, have come through my network, the circle of people I know that I like, that I trust. I'm teaching you how to build connections in a non-gross, non-schmoozy way. You can find it for free on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course. Yes, you might not need it for your job.

55:48You might be retired. I still see a happiness dividend for you here. I still see a lot of benefits. And it's a few minutes a day. jordanharbinger.com slash course. Also, our newsletter, We Bit Wiser, every Wednesday, we dig into an older episode, bring out the gems, sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. AI chatbot on the website as well if you want to ask it a question about any feedback Friday, any promo code, or anything ever on the show.

56:20I'm at jordanharbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. And you can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. The show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Matthew Tai, aka Laowai86. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today.

56:56In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show with retired astronaut Chris Hadfield. I watched the first two people walk on the moon and I thought, wow, I'm going to grow up to be something. Why don't I grow up to be that? That's the coolest thing ever. It is purely the direct results of all of those little minute by minute decisions that I made since starting when I was a kid just turning 10. When I got the telephone call asking if I would like to be an astronaut, I was at the top of my profession.

57:35I was the top test pilot in the U.S. Navy as a Canadian. And then to be selected as an astronaut, suddenly I'm a guy who knows nothing. I sit in my office and I'm like, I'm a complete imposter. I have zero skills right now. Whenever anybody has offered to teach me something for free, I've always taken them up on it. How are you getting ready for the major events in your life, the things that matter to you, the things that have consequence? Are you just sort of waving your hands and go, oh, it probably turned out okay? Or are you actually using the time available to get ready for it? Maybe it will turn out okay.

58:08But if the stakes are high, to me, that's just not a gamble I willingly take. If at some point in life you think you know everything you need to know that you're interested in process of dying. What astronauts do for a living is visualize failure, figuring out the next thing that's going to kill you, and then practice it over and over and over again until we can beat that thing. We know how to deal with it. Then you do a much better job and a more calm and comfortable way of doing it as well. You don't miss it. You're not overwhelmed by it. It's something you could do while thinking of something else.

58:40You notice how beautiful it is, how magnificent it is, how much fun it is. You're not just completely overwhelmed by the demands of the moment. For more on how Commander Chris Hadfield managed to stay focused on his dream starting at age nine to become the first Canadian to walk in space, check out episode 408 of The Jordan Harbinger Show. By the way, a lot of you filled out that survey that we were asking you to do, and you found, annoyingly, the zip code question was at the end. So many of you couldn't submit because you were outside the United States and you'd realized you wasted your time doing that survey.

59:14I didn't design that in my defense, but I really feel bad about wasting your time. It's something I really try not to do here on this show. So if you took that survey and wasted your time doing it, I want to make it up to you somehow. I would love to give you a$10 Amazon gift card. Now, unfortunately, I can't just say, hey, send me your email and I'll send you a gift card because that invites a crazy amount of scamming. So what you can do is support that sponsor that you've been thinking about supporting for a really long time. Go to jordanharbinger.com slash deals, pick a sponsor, grab something from them, shoot me a screenshot with that receipt, and I will send you a$10 Amazon gift card, which is the least I can do for you having submitted or tried to do that survey to help me out.

1:00:00And meanwhile, it just didn't work. And thank you for understanding that I can't just send people an unlimited amount of money because it would invite an insane number of scams. So if you can show, so if you do support a sponsor and you want a little$10 kickback from yours truly, please take me up on this. Just shoot it to me at Jordan at jordanharbinger.com. It's the least I can do for your troubles.