926: Is Compassion Apt for Abusive Ex, Kneecapped? | Feedback Friday

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27:03Then promote it to use LinkedIn Jobs' new AI assistant, making it easier and faster to find top candidates. That's linkedin.com slash harbinger to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Right back. Thank you for listening to and supporting the show. All of your support keeps us going. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are in one place. Jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website as well. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe.

27:39I'm 29 years old. I'm a PhD student at one of the top universities in the country, and I'm single. I often struggle to connect with people socially and form long-term relationships, and not just romantic ones. If you ever met me, I don't think it would be immediately noticeable. I'm honest and curious, and I love to get to know people if I get the chance. But lately, I've started to feel more and more lonely, and I'd like to learn how to improve and change that. Awesome. Great mindset, man. I love the self-awareness and the openness. I've been at this university for a few years now, and I formed a small group of guy friends.

28:15Then new people joined the group, and one of them in particular keeps giving me a hard time for being single. Over time, this has become a regular conversation, with almost everyone pulling my leg on the matter. As you can imagine, this hit a sore spot. I often feel annoyed by this person and a mix of negative emotions about the situation in general. I also recently learned that these friends started their own group chat without me. I wasn't happy about this, but didn't express my feelings because, frankly, I thought they didn't care. More recently, they asked me to join a group trip in a couple of months, and I said I would love to.

28:52But as soon as I said that, I started having second thoughts. All of this has made me question whether these are my true friends. I now don't feel comfortable sharing what I feel, and I can't confide in them when I'm having challenges during my tough PhD journey. Should I continue hanging out with these guys, or is there no hope here, and I need to cut ties? And did I do something wrong in maintaining these friendships? Signed, low-key feeling dopey for putting up with these broskies. Right, well, these are very good questions and big questions. And like I said, I really admire you for being willing to ask them.

29:27I hear that you want to get better at relating to people. You want to make sure you're picking the right friends and that curiosity is serving you very well. So candidly, I don't know exactly what these guys think of you, but we have some clues. On the one hand, they're teasing you for being single, which kind of sucks. And there's one guy in particular who's taking it a little far. He's not being very thoughtful about how it lands with you. On the other hand, we all know that guys, generally speaking, not always the most thoughtful, right? Not always the most attuned, especially in their 20s, especially in a collegiate setting, especially to one another.

30:00I don't know a lot of 20-something guys going around thinking, I wonder how that roast in the group chat landed with Chad. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. I mean, I'm in my 40s, and I still miss those cues sometimes. Right. I mean, these guys might think of this as being like funny and playful, but he's sitting there quietly like, I don't know, that kind of hurts. But he doesn't want to say anything. Exactly. Doesn't necessarily make it okay, but it might not be as overtly malicious as it seems. It's possible they just have zero idea that they're being hurtful and they think they're ribbing him.

30:32Also, they invited him on a big trip. When you're in a friend group and one person sucks, you don't invite that guy along at all. Most people slowly pull away or they plan the trip on the down low and they don't post the pictures to Instagram. So that's another point for me in the these guys aren't monsters. They do like them. They just don't realize how they come across kind of column. I think that's very possible. And it might be easy for them to miss because our friend here is not the most transparent person, right? Yeah, he's an internal dude. I get the sense he isn't always the easiest to access.

31:03Maybe he's annoyed by this one guy in particular. He feels negatively about the situation in general, but he hasn't told them that. And then I found it interesting when he mentioned the group chat thing. So they started some group chat without him, which he was not happy about, but he didn't express his feelings because in his words, frankly, I thought they didn't care, which is actually a really sad thing to say. I don't know. I think that's very telling. Definitely. That's another interesting detail. We should probably come back to that. Also, he doesn't feel comfortable sharing what he feels or how his program is going with these guys.

31:34So you're right. There's a lot going on with our boy here. He has a very rich inner life. He's in touch with a lot of feelings, which is great. But he doesn't share those feelings very easily. And it's interesting because at first his letter was about feeling lonely and wanting to get better at forming relationships, romantic ones, platonic ones. But then his question actually turned out to be, are these guys really my friends? Did I do something wrong by staying close with them? Yeah, that is interesting. But those two things are related, I think. Because he wants to connect with people better.

32:05He wants to have more fulfilling relationships. And one big key would be to look at this tendency to censor himself, to not speak up when something bothers him, you know, to not share with his friends how he really feels. I think that's the quality that connects these two challenges that he's dealing with. Right. I think he's probably self-protecting to some degree. And also speaking up when something doesn't sit right with you. That's a vulnerable thing to do. That's a little scary. I get that. So here's an idea. It's a little exercise. I think it'll be great practice for you. And it's going to tell you a lot about whether these guys are truly your friends.

32:39The next time that guy teases you about being single or any of these friends do it for that matter, I want you to try saying something like, all right, I'm chronically single. We all know this, huh? But can I be honest? It kind of hurts when you make fun of me for that because it's actually something I want to get better at. I'm trying to work on it. It's a little bit of a sore spot. The jokes are starting to feel a little mean spirited, maybe a little intense. and listen, I'm sure saying something like that to your friends, it feels kind of daunting, but that is why I want you to try it. Because if these guys hear that and they go, oh dude, sorry, we had no idea.

33:12We're just joking around. We won't do it anymore. We got to lay off. That's a good point. That's a good sign. That could change the whole tone of your friendship and it could make them see you in a new way. You speaking up, that might give them the information they need to know how to treat you. But if they hear that and they go, oh dude, chill, we're just making fun of you because you have no game and that's just who you are. You're going to be single forever. Then I'd say, okay, maybe these guys are not necessarily the right friends for you. I mean, still they could mishandle this and be perfectly nice guys, but you know, that's more evidence.

33:43Maybe don't go on a trip with a bunch of guys who don't take you seriously and build you up and are constantly tearing you down if it really is that bad, but you won't really know unless you take a chance and you say something. I totally agree. Also, this will be a great way to learn how to have these conversations in general. Even if these guys turn out to be kind of lame, this is a skill that will come in handy in all of your relationships. Jordan, I'm still thinking about that detail we touched on earlier, how when they started the group chat without him, he didn't speak up because he thinks they didn't care.

34:12I also found that super interesting because look, one of two things is possible there. Either he's right, they really don't care, which means that I don't think that they're the right friends for him. Or he's wrong, they do care, but he just assumes that they don't. And his assuming that other people don't really care about him, which is probably a very old and fundamental belief of his, that belief is probably determining the tone of a lot of his friendships. Yes, exactly. And not just these friendships, but probably a lot of his experiences in life. We tend to settle for the relationships we feel we deserve, right?

34:48So when we ignore certain signals from people or we don't speak up when something bothers us or we assume that the other person just isn't interested in understanding us or, you know, they don't care or whatever, we can end up in dynamics that feel like this, that feel unsatisfying or unfair. Right, and we help create those dynamics. Exactly. By choosing people who treat us a certain way and then sometimes also allowing them to continue doing that. And I think that's what our friend here is starting to confront. And the conversation that you just pitched a moment ago would be one way for him to start rewriting that dynamic.

35:23Now, TBD on whether these guys are interested in rewriting it with him, but sometimes, you know, it just takes a shift on one person's part. Yeah. Look, I like that he's doing this. I think he can because he's genuinely eager to get better at this. For sure. So, no, you did nothing wrong in maintaining these friendships. You need friends. These guys seem promising. Maybe they really are cool, but you're also evolving. You're more in touch with your needs and your feelings now, and that's making you see these situations more clearly. So rather than beat yourself up about being friends with the wrong people or not, I'd give yourself credit for getting to this point.

35:55I wouldn't write these guys off immediately without showing up in a more authentic way, but I also wouldn't stick around if they don't respond well to you showing up in that new way. Or you stick with the one or two who do and you just move on from the rest. It's a big part of your 20s, man, narrowing your inner circle to the people who are on the same page as you. And you got this, man. Good luck. You can reach us, Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job a lot easier. If your stepdad's got your nudes, your neighbors eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or a schizophrenic, possibly psychopathic guy is harassing you and your neighbors, those poor people from last week, Gabe.

36:33Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Okay, next up. Hey guys, I'm fairly young in my profession, but I've been told multiple times by my boss, my supervisor, and other higher-ups that I do a great job. I was recently asked to be in an interim high-up position at my workplace, which is my dream job. When the position opened, my boss said, it's something I want you to think about. That's a direct quote. I took this as a sign that I should apply. But when the time came, I wasn't even interviewed for the position.

37:11I was kept in the dark until I was asked to train the new person in the role since I knew how to do the job so well. I took this as a huge insult to my abilities and knowledge. I also wasn't paid any extra for all of this advanced work I took on when the real position pays nearly double my current salary. I requested a meeting with my boss and she said that she thought it was great that I want to advance, but that I just haven't quote unquote suffered enough to be in a position of power since I'm so new in my career. Hmm. Okay. Yeah, that is super lame. If that's actually true, then your boss is valuing a quality that has no bearing on whether you'd be good for the position.

37:52It's just this subjective, you have to pay your dues and be miserable for X amount of time before you can rise up. Is that even a metric? That's different from saying you don't have enough experience or you need a few more years to learn how to manage people or whatever. Having suffered is not a credential. Again, how do you measure that? Being wiser, being more experienced, those are meaningful qualifications, but they don't necessarily need to come through suffering. Now, if what she's saying isn't true, then she's just not being honest with you about why you didn't get the job, and she's depriving you of the feedback you need to become a great candidate.

38:27Either way, not something a good boss would say, in my opinion. Carry on, Gabe. She also said that I am so good at my current position, and she can't lose me. Ah, there it is. So she doesn't want to promote you because she doesn't want to lose a great employee. She's actually just being self-interested. Strike two. I asked her to clarify, and she said I needed to experience things such as staff turnover and or layoffs, in-depth hiring processes, and what she said I needed most to advance, a doctorate so I could experience the hardship and suffering of a dissertation. Ugh, again, she's not saying go get a PhD because we need that level of expertise around here.

39:07She's saying go get your doctorate so you can struggle enough for me to take you seriously because that's what I did. Also, I don't understand what good is watching people leave or get fired gonna do for him. I don't, I'm not understanding something. I mean, And unless they actually work in HR and seeing those things as a direct part of the job. But if she just means you need to see more drama at this company before you're ready, then that's just BS. Right. This lady's grinding my damn gears right now. The position clearly states that only a master's degree is needed and doesn't even mention that a doctorate is preferred.

39:42Also, every other person in the same role also only has a master's degree and a couple have less work experience than I do. Great. So that's just a total lie. Slash something she made up on her own. Strike three. This is a terrible boss so far. She also mentioned that I should do certain trainings, attend conferences, and join boards of directors. Many of these opportunities appear to be rather costly, and I'm still working on paying off student loans, so taking on more debt just so I can move up does not seem wise to me. Well, okay, I'm all for investing in yourself and getting more involved in things, but you don't embark on a six-year PhD to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars because one person at one company invented this requirement out of thin air and for dumb reasons.

40:28You do it because you have something concrete to learn if it would actually increase your earning power, if you're actually passionate about it. Okay, fine. I'm just baffled by this boss. The person she ended up hiring did have a doctorate degree, although two other candidates without a doctorate made it to the final round. The kicker is that the person she hired has zero experience in this field, although they do have 10 years more experience than I do. I am now worried about my future here. I don't want to be stuck in my current role for long, as I'm not challenged and can take on more complex duties.

41:01I've been considering applying elsewhere because of how angry the situation has made me, but I'm conflicted, as I do enjoy my work. Will I continue being blocked from advancement? Am I not being respected? Will leaving this company be like starting all over again and undoing some of the great headway I've made at this company? Signed, puzzling over this reshuffling and wondering if I'm sputtering when I haven't racked up enough suffering. Well, just to jump right in, I'm not crazy about this situation. I think there are a few red flags here. You're smart to be paying attention to them. It can be easy to discount this stuff and then five years go by and you're still in the same place.

41:38So I admire your ambition. I admire your honesty. A couple thoughts for you. First, it doesn't sound like your boss has your best interests at heart at all. She's more interested in keeping you where you are because it benefits her. Unfortunately, that's very common in corporate life. It's not new. But that's why you're smart to be going, okay, do I really want to stick around here? If this person isn't going to champion you, or at least give you the freedom to move up elsewhere, then you need to look out for yourself. Although I'm a little confused, though, because his boss did say that she wanted him to consider applying for the job.

42:12So was she just messing with him? I'm confused. That actually brings me to the second thing, which is I love that they put you into that interim higher-up position, and I'm sure you did well, well enough to train the next person anyway, but it doesn't sound like you have enough data to really know how well you performed there. Maybe you crushed it, or maybe you weren't quite what they needed in that role, or maybe you were solid, but just need more experience to really thrive there, and your boss's word for that is suffering, and she's just crap at articulating what she actually wants. or she doesn't necessarily have the ability to put her finger on it, so she's labeling it something else.

42:47To me, the biggest concern here isn't that you weren't paid extra or interviewed for the role. It's that they're not even giving you the data that you need to work on yourself. Now, if your boss had said, look, I know you want that job. You did well, but you have a few things to learn. You need to see some more situations around here. You need to be more connected in the industry. You need to develop XYZ qualities. Here's how you can do that specifically. Okay, then I would actually be encouraged because that's how you show respect to an employee, by giving them the gift of meaningful feedback.

43:18And bosses don't give meaningful feedback to people they don't wanna see rise up. It's too much work. So not getting a promotion, it's not always bad. What matters is how a boss communicates that decision to you, how they invest in you. And yeah, she did say, do these trainings, join some boards, go get your PhD. So that's something, I guess. It's a little nebulous. And with the PhD specifically, frankly, it sounds reckless and ultimately irrelevant. So are you not being respected? Well, potentially, if your boss isn't giving you the information you need to be a great candidate, although respect is kind of a squishy concept, that can sometimes be a little bit more about ego probably than anything else.

44:01I would frame it more like, am I being taken seriously? Am I being valued? Do these people genuinely want me to succeed? Those questions will get you better answers. So here's my advice. Go get the feedback you need. Ask your boss directly and other senior people at your company what you need to do to rise up there. Ask them how much experience matters at this place, what this whole suffering concept is about. See how they respond. If they hit you again with the PhD thing, if they give you more vague, like, oh, go to some training and see some more layoffs. if they give you that nonsense again, then that's probably a sign that this company is, I don't know, lame, or you just don't have the support you need there.

44:42And if they really engage with you, if you can put together a solid roadmap of milestones and experiences and trainings to hit in a way that'll allow you to really grow, then I think you can feel more secure about sticking around. Agreed completely. But if they don't engage with you like that, then you need to ask yourself, why am I not taken seriously here? It's possible that your boss really is just being selfish and keeping you where you're most useful to her, but it's also possible that you're not earning her support for some other reason that you're not aware of. Maybe you really do need more experience.

45:13You did say that you're young. There is something to be said for being a little bit older, having more maturity, because you've just seen more things. Or maybe your relationships at this company are not quite as strong as they should be. Or you're sending certain signals of your own and you're not realizing it. Like, for example, again, this need to be respected. There's also this other thing you mentioned that you felt like being passed over was an insult to your abilities and your knowledge, which I can sort of understand, but interpreting this turn of events as a slap in the face, as opposed to, you know, an opportunity to figure out why it didn't work out, that might also be sending your boss a signal that you don't intend.

45:52You mean like he's a little bitter or he has a little bit of entitlement about not being treated a certain way or something like that? Something like that. And I think that's up to him to decide. He knows himself best, But look, you're not wrong to feel frustrated. You're not wrong to be disappointed. You're confused. I mean, all of that is fair. But these are a few other things that I would definitely take a look at before you decide whether to jump ship. I totally agree, Gabe. If he answers those questions honestly, ideally with some good feedback from the people around him, then I think he'll have a good sense of whether he's being truly blocked or whether he just needs to grow a little more and try again.

46:27And that is totally fair. But listen, if you do decide that you need to leave in order to advance, don't be too afraid about starting over, that fear is never as real as it seems. We never really truly start over after a transition. We carry over all the assets we developed, knowledge, relationships, skills, experience, including the experience of being blocked and frustrated. That's valuable too. I know a lot of people are like, it's a different industry. It's a different place. It's none of my stuff applies. It's just never true. Right. There's a difference between starting over and turning over a new leaf.

46:57Exactly. I would also check out a couple articles we did on this topic. One is about the best way to land a promotion. The other is called signs you're not well liked at work and what to do about it. Not saying you're not well liked. I'm sure you're awesome. But some of the ideas in there will help you diagnose what's really going on. Link to both of those articles in the show notes for you. So go do some homework. Treat this as an opportunity to learn, which you might as well since it's happening, whether you like it or not. And then if you do jump ship, you'll do it with full confidence that it's the right move.

47:26So good luck. You know what your cagey self-interested PhD obsessed boss doesn't deserve the fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors. All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are all in one place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals, or email me jordan at jordanharbinger.com. It's really important to use these codes. So if you're like too lazy or bots not searching it for you or you can't find it on the page, just email me.

48:00I will help you figure out what the product is, dig it up for you. Thank you for supporting those who support the show. It really does keep us going and make it possible for us to continue creating shows like this every single week. All right, now back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I recently moved from working in a bedside nursing position to a process development slash educational role after going to grad school and discovering a new passion for nursing informatics. Basically, the integration of technology with patient care. It's a very exciting field, and the possibilities are endless.

48:38While I'm very excited about this new career path, I'm nervous about the fact that it's a complete change in every way. After 13 years of being in the trenches, working as a critical care and rapid response nurse during the intensity of the pandemic, exhausting myself working 12 to 16 hour shifts day and night, these things become a badge of honor. Now I'm looking at a 9 to 5 type position that will not take everything out of me and that will give me less reason to feel like I've earned my downtime. I'm also giving up the immediate gratification of hands-on care. Right now I come in, I fix problems, I make my patients feel comfortable, and then I leave knowing that I accomplished a set of tasks and made someone's day tangibly better.

49:21Informatics is not a world of immediate gratification and takes away the everyday meaning of my work in that regard. My identity has been the badass, hardworking nurse for so long that I don't know how to be a different kind of person. The enormity of it all is throwing me for a loop. How do I move from the highs and lows of these crazy, all-consuming shifts to a steadier pace? And how do I find satisfaction in my new line of work? Signed, saying goodbye to the highs and lows while becoming a data nerd who goes with the flow. Well, first of all, congrats on carving out this awesome new career you're so passionate about, nursing informatics.

50:00I love that you're fired up about that. I love that it's going to give you a much needed change of pace, plus an actual life of your own. Amazing. So what you're struggling with is interesting. And it's something that anyone who makes a big career transition deals with, especially from a super intense line of work like law enforcement, emergency services, finance, anything really. There's just a few layers to this transition. And the first one is just the mental emotional aspects of this new role. It sounds to me like you've been working super hard for a long time. You've been running on adrenaline, on pure willpower, being a rapid response nurse during the pandemic.

50:39That's no joke. So moving into this behind the scenes role, it's going to be a huge shift and you might feel like you're not as stimulated or fulfilled in a certain way. But I actually don't think that's a bad thing because your body and your mind have probably been through a lot for so many years. You might sort of be detoxing from those adrenaline dumps and late nights and that trench warfare mentality. So if you miss it on one level, that might just be your body going, wait, am I not getting that constant epinephrine anymore? Your brain might be going, wait, I don't have to operate in crisis mode all the time, but you probably need that.

51:16It's probably really important. The second layer to this is the whole meaning thing, and this I really get it. You thrived as a nurse because you found taking care of people and making their day better, you found that fulfilling, which is amazing. You're exactly the kind of person who should be in healthcare, and now you're shifting to a new role, a new sector, where the meaning you derive, it's still there, but you're a few steps removed. It's a little more abstract. So part of this transition is embracing that new source of meaning and just letting go of the old one. You might not get that immediate hit of gratification in this new job.

51:51And by the way, getting that hit of immediate gratification, that might also be another quote unquote drug you'll have to recover from. It's not all bad, but it can be addictive. But in this new role, you'll have an opportunity to experience new sources of meaning, I would imagine. Yes, and not just new sources of meaning, but also new rhythms of meaning. In your old role, the rhythm was constant, relentless, it was quick. In this new role, the rhythm might be more spaced out, more prolonged, probably a lot calmer, but to Jordan's point, that is not a bad thing. You know, you might work on a project in nursing informatics for, I don't know, six months, nine months, and at the end of that time, you'll have a whole new AI slash data analytics program put in place and tens of thousands if not more patients lives will be improved as a result you know you might not have eased somebody's pain right then and there in the moment but you'll have contributed to even more people's health over a much longer period of time and even if you're not looking right at them I really do think you're going to feel that so I would trust that you're going to find a gratification in this new role that is different, yes, but just as meaningful.

52:59And I think over time, possibly even more meaningful. For sure. And she can also create that meaning by appreciating the impact nursing informatics has on so many people. Yeah, I think creating that meaning is also part of her onboarding process and settling into this new role. The other layer, though, we have to talk about is the identity piece. You know, like you said, you've been this badass, hardworking nurse for so long, you don't know how to be a different kind of professional. That's another thing that you're going to have to let go of the image you have of yourself as one kind of professional and what that identity gave you.

53:32It sounds to me like being strong and tireless and very effective. That gave you a lot. It gave you a sense of power. It gave you a sense of usefulness of importance and maybe also a sense of control in what I imagine is a very chaotic field. And all of that is so meaningful and it's totally legit. But when you develop a sense of self based on certain qualities and then you switch fields that has different qualities, you have to find new ones or you have to be less attached to the old ones. So in this new role, I bet you're going to develop a lot of new aspects of your identity. There's going to be new insight.

54:09You're going to be a stronger leader. You're going to get to flex your intelligence, your creativity, your ability to work on processes. you're also going to be getting to educate other people. And all of that will also be fulfilling in ways that, again, you can't even imagine yet. So look, if you miss your old job for the first few months, I wouldn't panic about it. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Like Jordan said, it'll take you a little time to transition and that's normal. You kind of have to mourn the old job, the old meaning, the old identity to make room for all of the new ones.

54:40So I would give yourself some time and space to do that too. which sounds like she's going to have so much more of time and space. I mean, that's what I'm excited about for her. She's actually going to have a life, right? The way she fills all those hours she never had before is going to be super meaningful too. Meaning doesn't only have to come from work. And I'm excited for you. Like I said, I'm super proud of you for going back to school and making the transition. I know your passion for the field is going to help take you to some great places and it's probably going to add some years back to your life and actually let you enjoy that life.

55:10So good luck. All right. Before we sign off here, and sorry to bring the house down a little bit, but I really wanted to talk about this. As you might have read in the news a few weeks ago, a woman named Samantha Wohl was found dead in Lafayette Park, which is just east of downtown Detroit, not too far from where I grew up. She was the president of a synagogue, and that's probably what's ringing some bells for you right now. She worked in politics before that. She was also a really good close friend of mine in college. So apparently she attended a wedding and then she was just stabbed inside her home that night, wandered outside and essentially died in front of her home.

55:47Obviously, I was stunned to read this and incredibly saddened. It's just beyond tragic. I have very warm memories of Samantha. She was an incredibly compassionate person. She actually made me think about life in a more compassionate way without ever being judgy or sanctimonious. I remember once we went on this trip to Washington, D.C., and Samantha, she bought a huge bag of candy for the trip, and she shared it with everybody, and then she goes, don't eat at all. I want to save most of this for any homeless people that we meet. I've never heard anything like this in my life at that point, right?

56:20This young person spent her own money in college when we were all broke as hell in the first place. We were probably like 19 years old. Knowing people in need would ask her for money or food, and she didn't want to walk around empty-handed. That is the kind of person that she was, just a very kind and thoughtful soul in this very basic way. So, yeah, I'm thinking about her and her family today. As members of the tribe like to say, may her memory be a blessing. And I know my memories of her are very special, and I know she'll be missed by a lot of people. And on that note, it's Thanksgiving weekend here in the States, and traditionally this is a moment to reflect on the things we are grateful for, and I know that is a weird pivot from that incredibly dark story.

57:03I realize that. But I wanted to say something about Thanksgiving and I didn't want to sound super cheesy or preachy. It's not really my style, as you guys know. But gratitude is a theme here on the show in that non, it's a very practical way. And it's just such a dark time in the world, obviously in big ways with what's happening in Israel and Gaza right now and in ways closer to home, like with Samantha. And so I guess I find myself wanting to say that it can be really hard to be grateful when things are chaotic, when there's war and there's death and there's tragedy and dysfunction all around us.

57:38And I don't really believe in being Pollyanna-ish and burying my head in the sand under the guise of, you know, like being grateful, man. but it seems to me that our job always, but especially these days, is to make space for both, to recognize that there is real pain and darkness in the world. And there's a lot to be grateful for. For my part, I'm grateful to do this show, to be a part of your lives, to interview fascinating people, to become a little smarter, a little more informed every week, and to do all of that with my amazing friends and family, my team, my wife, my kids, my peers, my parents, who actually just moved across the street from me to be closer to us.

58:20I really am very fortunate. And I'm especially grateful for you, all of you who listen and write in with your stories and your responses and even your criticism. None of this would be possible without you. So thank you very much. Honestly, I don't have anything super profound to say about this. I guess that's kind of the point. I just wanted to take a moment to take stock of all the good and invite you to do the same because it can be really hard to do that sometimes. And if you don't have some of these things, that can be hard. But then the question I like to ask is, what do I have? What is going well?

58:54Even if it's one thing, one person, and spend some time appreciating that. Because there's something about the human mind that wants to fixate on what we don't have, what is going wrong. And that's why a little gratitude really does go a long way. And on a practical level, if you want to make some changes in your life, which is what Feedback Friday is all about, it's impossible to build on what we don't have. We can only build on what we do have, even if it's not everything that we want. All of us, even if you're struggling right now, you've got something. Relationships, opportunities, advantages, skills, experiences.

59:34So let's take stock of that and start from there. All right, I maybe sounded a little cheesy slash preachy there. Sorry about that. I really do believe this, though. I liked it. So I'm going to take that into my weekend. I hope you do, too. Whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving or not, shout out to the Canadians who, like, do it two weeks earlier for whatever reason. I appreciate you guys sending you all a big hug, and we'll see you next week. Hope you all enjoyed that. Don't forget to check out the episodes with Chris DeArmit on plastics and the new remix mashup of our previous episode with Masab Hassan Youssef from three years ago.

1:00:06Definitely check those out if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know, like, and trust. I'm grateful for that as well. Our six-minute networking course is free. There's no catch. It's not gross or schmoozy. It is not going to make you cringe. It's all free on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course. I want you to dig the well before you get thirsty. Build those relationships before you need them. I get a decent amount of emails from people saying, so I don't need to network.

1:00:31I'm a teacher. I'm in the military. I got a government employee job. I'm a stay-at-home parent. But an elementary school teacher recently wrote me saying, they are so wrong. I've gotten students for private lessons, summer jobs, tutoring. I've also gotten the down low on new job openings that would be opening in my district and hooked up very casual acquaintances with similar opportunities with tons of free teaching materials. I cannot stress how important networking is for a teacher. And that is a direct quote. This stuff really does work for anyone in any field who wants to be more connected and generate more opportunities all around.

1:01:04So come check it out. Jordan Harbinger dot com slash course and the newsletter, of course, as well, jordanharbinger.com slash news. We go over an old episode and rip out the takeaways and deliver them to your inbox, jordanharbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts are on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One.

1:01:35My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Emilio Campo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we've rised by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show on how to hardwire happiness.

1:02:08I focus on growing resources in the mind. That's what resilience fundamentally is, to maintain an equilibrium, to be regulated internally in the pursuit of important goals while being challenged. We remember negative interactions with other people more than positive ones. We remember negative gossip about celebrities more than good news. We are much more rapidly trained into helplessness from a few experiences of futility and defeat. Negative emotional experiences have a toxic effect on the brain. They accumulate over time, but do they invade your mind? Do they invade the inner temple of the core of you?

1:02:52And if they do invade you, do they occupy you? Do they remain? Don't feed the beast. Quit ruminating about it, Quit obsessing about it. Quit looping on those laps around the track and help dig in that track a little deeper every single time. You can't do anything about the past. Even the present is what it is. But moving into the future, you can always grow the good inside yourself. You can always become a little stronger, a little smarter, a little more skillful, a little happier, a little more loving each hour and each day. And that is within our power. No one can stop us from doing that. No one can stop us from growing from our experiences.

1:03:30And no one can do it for us. To me, it's one of the most honorable, self-reliant, even heroic things a person can do. What you can count on is what's inside you. To learn how you can build more resilience, check out episode 192 of The Jordan Harbinger Show with Rick Hansen.