931: Trust is Twisted by Thirsty Therapist Resisted | Feedback Friday

23:02She truly believes that this is what God has called on her to do. My partner and I plan to get married within the year, and even before the conflict, she was saying that if she left, they wouldn't let her back into the country. I told her repeatedly that this is silly, and the only reason we're having a wedding is for the mothers. So her not coming to the wedding is out of the question. Also, I never wanted to get married, but my mother always told me that getting married is extremely important for family and friends. I finally gave in because I do want to make her happy. Now she's saying that getting married is only for the couple and for God and that family and friends don't really need to be there.

23:36So we should just find a proper rabbi as soon as possible to marry us. What hurts the most is her total hypocrisy. Right. So she's difficult on a number of levels. Yeah, I can see why this mom is driving her up the wall. So she goes on. My mother is more or less healthy, but is becoming less reasonable and has a heart condition. I've been thinking about convincing her to come back to the States for a while. I'm an only child and there's no one else to take care of her. And then this conflict happened. I want my mother to be happy and healthy wherever she is. And if I were being completely honest, I'm not sure how much I like the idea of her living close to me.

24:11I love my mother deeply, but she generates a bit of an everybody loves Raymond situation wherever she goes. Surprise, surprise. eyes. I'm legitimately worried that I would come home to find pinpricks in the condoms and our entire kitchen being koshered with all of my very nice and extremely expensive pots and pans in the trash. That's not a joke. She actually sounds like that's a real thing. Yeah, that's a real fear. Like I noticed your kitchen wasn't kosher, so I threw away everything that you use. Oh yeah, you're responding to the kitchen where I was responding to the pinpricks in the condoms, but both are very disturbing.

24:41Yeah, that one's worse actually. I'll give you that. Yeah, who knows? Maybe all our pots and pans are from Williams-Sonoma, which would make that a huge tragedy. Yeah, you don't want those in the trash. Also, I'm not exactly a cuddle bunny, which is sort of what she wants for herself, by her own admission. I took that to mean that she wants to surround herself with like-minded people and codependency. Oh man, I'm really trying to bite my tongue here because there's so much to talk about, but... If this woman was raised in Israel from age 14 through adulthood, she's probably a sabra. This is what the Israeli women say about themselves.

25:09Sabra is like the word for this cactus fruit that has the spines on it, and it means really prickly on the outside, but sweet on the inside. Basically, every Israeli girl that you meet is going to throw something in your face. And then you're like, God, they are so mean. And then later on, you're like, oh, she's really nice. So you're saying her mom is a Sabra or she's a Sabra? She's probably a Sabra. So she's like, I'm not exactly a cuddly bunny. It's like, well, yeah, you were raised in Israel. So you're not going to be like, oh, hi, thanks for everything. You're going to be like, eh, what? It's a little bit of a New Yorkie Jersey kind of thing.

25:39Totally. They can be tough cookies, those people. Tough cookies. Yes. Okay. So the letter goes on. but if something were to happen to her, I'd never forgive myself. She's completely alone and repeatedly gets emotional with me on the phone about how lonely she is, how depressed she is, and how much she regrets having me with my shiksa father. Okay. Well, first of all, for anyone who doesn't know what shiksa means, it means a non-Jewish person. Second of all, that was an escalation. Like one thing she's like, I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Also, I regret having you. What a harsh thing to say to a child and not something that she should be bringing to her daughter at all.

26:13No, just wildly inappropriate. I don't really help any. I tend to get very frustrated with her antics and eventually lose patience and start yelling. I don't really have time to be bombarded by her. I am so on your side in this letter. It's insane. I'm just having a very strong reaction. Is it worth it to try to convince my half-batty mother to come back to the States when she firmly does not want to, especially when we would both be somewhat miserable with each other. Should I just leave her in Israel and risk the immense guilt if something happens to her? Signed, a conflicted daughter who's seen a disturbing shift with her email.

26:52Did you just rhyme Sina with email? That's good, actually. No, I don't know if that's the worst rhyme you've ever come up with or like a new level of rhyming genius. It's a little bit of both. Let's be honest. I don't know. I was trying to keep it fresh, but I was down to the wire. Rhyming two English words pronounced differently with one Hebrew word. So for anyone who doesn't know, Ima is mom in Hebrew, and I don't know about rhyming it with Sina, but you didn't have a whole lot of options. I mean, what, Fima? Exactly. Fima. I did actually go through Fima, Patina. I don't want to be mean, but I just definitely could not do that.

27:23You were right to put it down there. Thank you. Screamer. I don't know. They should drop mom in one of those Hamas tunnels, and those guys would run right out the other side. Like, oh no, not her again. The true Iron Dome is her sabra of a mother. is just a Jewish settler who doesn't want to leave. Honestly, this emote does make me want to scream. It's not even my mom and I'm on the edge. What a stressful situation to be in, especially right now with a war going on. What a mom to have. And by the way, thank you for letting us have a little bit of a laugh. We're not trying to be mean to your mom.

27:53I'm sure she's deep down a wonderful person. She means well, as they say. I think Jordan and I are both having Jewish boy reactions to this kind of mother. Of course, dealing with a personality like this can drive you insane. And I get why you end up snapping at her on the phone. I don't know how you could avoid that. But then she's lonely. She's depressed. She has this heart condition. And she's your mom. So you want to be there for her. You want to help. And that's a tough bind to be in. Really, Jordan, I feel for her in a huge way. But part of the bind is that her mom needs help. But she's also very hard to help.

28:23It's confusing. Seriously. Yeah, there's some mixed signals here. I mean, her daughter is saying, OK, you're lonely. You need help. You have a medical condition. So come to the States, live with me. And she's like, no way. God told me to live in the West Bank or whatever. And they won't let me back in if I leave. because Hamas and the leftists are trying to kick me off my land. I mean, it's, which one is it? Right. So it's like, what do you do with a person like that? How do you show up for them? You can hear that she's already kind of starting to find the answer. Yeah. Like implicit in the question.

28:49Right. Which is maybe I just let my mom do what she wants. I mean, she's making herself very clear, right? She's saying, I'm not leaving even for a short trip, even for your wedding. And putting aside her reasons for that, which are objectively insane, that is her choice. And our friend here might need to respect it or at least accept it, even if she fundamentally disagrees, because yes, it is her mom's life. Right. Although I think it's interesting that she also said, if I'm being honest, I don't know if I want my mom living near me. In fact, she's saying they both be miserable with each other.

29:18I know. I think that is very funny because on one hand, she's going, my mom is so frustrating. She won't just listen to me and move here. And then she's also saying, well, on the other hand, she might be doing me a huge favor by being so rigid. So maybe she and her mom actually agree about this. Maybe they both want her to stay in Israel, except your mom's not going to let you just have that one. You're going to have to sort of fight to get her there and then give up at the right time so she doesn't actually move. I think on one level they do agree about that, but that might be a little bit of a dangerous thing for our friend here to fully acknowledge.

29:45It's sad to say, but it is possible that it's better for their relationship, in addition to being her mom's wish currently, maybe. So I think the real question, and she's already asking this as well, is how to make peace with that choice and how to cope with all of the stuff that it brings up. The main thing it brings up from what I'm hearing is a sense of extreme responsibility for her mother. And we're not just talking about, you know, a basic, healthy, baseline, sweet concern for a parent. I mean, it sounds like she feels extra responsible for her mom's happiness. And I'm sure that's been a lifelong thing.

30:17Like she said, she caved on the wedding to make her mom happy. And that's part of why she's so hurt and so angry now that she's changed her mind. You know, like, how do I please this woman? I'm sure she has dozens and dozens and dozens of examples like that over the course of her life. So what you're getting at is, part of her process here isn't just getting to a point where she can go, okay, mom, stay in Israel. I hear you, you got your reasons. It's also learning how to stop feeling like she needs to make her mom happy all the time in every way. Yes, that's right. And that's such a hard thing to undo with a parent like this.

30:46But that's where this very tough decision becomes a great opportunity for her to learn how to separate from mom a little bit more and disidentify from mom a little bit more and start to let go of some of this responsibility and honestly guilt that she carries around. But look, letting her mom stay over there means she also has to live with fear. And that's a lot harder to let go of because her mom, she's in an objectively dangerous situation geographically and otherwise, both as an Israeli settler and anybody in that area at all during this war. Right. And what's the fix for that? I mean, that's just the reality of the situation.

31:21If her mom stays, she's in danger. But again, her mom is making that choice, knowing full well the risks. And so respecting her mom's choice also means accepting the consequences of staying there, which is obviously something millions of people around the world are dealing with every single day. I thought it was interesting when she said, should I just leave her there and risk the immense guilt if something happens to her? Look, first of all, the phrasing of that question says so much about how you think about your mom. You're not just leaving her there. She is saying, I want to stay. And you have the option, and it kind of sounds like your only option right now, of saying, okay, mom, I hear you.

31:55You're going to stay. That's what you want to do. I get it. The second thing is, as we've been talking about, yes, you do risk a lot of feelings if something ever did happen to her. And it's scary and I get it. You would feel sad. You would feel angry, I imagine. All of it. But again, the guilt, I'm not so sure that that has to be part of the equation. At least not to the degree that it is right now. Because again, I think that guilt speaks to a sense of obligation that you feel to your mom that is very old and that she is also creating by relying on you as an emotional support and then at the same time making it difficult, if not impossible, for you to actually help her.

32:27I mean, not to traffic in stereotypes, but this is kind of the definition of the classic Jewish mom, right? The neediness, the complaining, I'm fine, leave me alone, but don't hang up, I love you, save me. Gabe, you ever heard that old joke, how many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh God, no, I haven't. What is it? It's fine, I'll just sit in the dock. That's too real. But yeah, exactly. Your question is about whether to lean on your mom to move closer to you or whether to leave her alone. But I think what you're really asking, whether she moves closer to you or stays put, is how do I relate to my mom from here on out?

33:03You know, how am I going to work through the rage and the frustration and the guilt that she stirs up in me? How am I going to stop internalizing her so much? Can I live my life on my own terms? That's the real question. And if you ever did manage to convince her to move closer to you, you would probably have to do that even more because you guys would have even more contact. So this is actually really important. I think that's absolutely right, Gabe. But look, on a practical level, if your mom stays in Israel, you obviously want to do everything you can to keep tabs on her, make sure she's okay.

33:31So I would obviously stay in touch. I would try to get the contact information of any friend. She has neighbors, places she frequently goes. Maybe you book a trip to visit her when things calm down a little bit. It would not go right now. This is how so many people look out for their family members when they're halfway across the world. We're not saying you shouldn't talk to your mom anymore or that you shouldn't care. what I think Gabe's getting at is what does caring really look like? What should it look like for you? That's right. There might come a day when your mom just can't stay there anymore.

34:00Like if she has a serious medical crisis or her settlement becomes a lot more dangerous or she can't live by herself anymore. And when that happens, you'll know when it's time to say, mom, I'm sorry, but I'm putting my foot down. You can't live there by yourself anymore. You're coming to me. Or you hire someone to look out for, make sure she has the support that she needs. You'll know what solution is required when the time comes. But until then, I do think there's something to be said for letting her stay. And I say that knowing full well how difficult that is and ironically how much easier it is for you in a big way, which is yet another difficult fact that you get to work through.

34:35But that's life, right? There are levels and angles to every decision and there's just rarely one perfect solution. I'm sorry that your mom is so tough. She sounds, well, she's your mom, you know, but there's an opportunity here for you to learn to let go of some of the distress that she causes you. We're sending you and your mom the best. We hope she stays safe, both from the war and the 5G magnetic vaccine lizard people. We're wishing you both all the best. Oh, and congrats on the wedding, big or small, moms or no moms. I hope it's a special day for you. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com.

35:08Keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in the mailbox, your stepdad's got your nudes, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're sitting on a massive family secret that your husband was not your stepson's father and you don't know whether to spill the beans. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, and by the way, speaking of that, Gabe manages the inbox and he chooses the questions and he edits them and then he makes them anonymous before I ever see them.

35:38So there's been some show fans that I've met up with and like, yeah, you know, that thing I wrote you about, it's not really as bad as, and I'm like, hey, I don't know about this. So you don't have to disclaim it before we go to lunch or whatever, because you're embarrassed. So if you're hesitant about writing in because you talk to me on some other channel, or you know me personally, and you don't want to share something personal, you don't have to worry about that at all. I never know who anyone is on Feedback Friday, and that is by design. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I met a girl earlier this year and we're now in love and everything is pretty great.

36:11However, when we met, she was still technically with her boyfriend of nine years, living with him and their eight-year-old son. Hmm. Okay. So I know people meet at crazy moments, feelings change, relationships evolve, but this is already complicated. She says that he's been emotionally abusive the entire time they've been together, that he cheated on her and that he's an alcoholic. Okay, so not a great dude. She's tried to leave him several times, but says that due to financial reasons and not being able to find affordable housing, she's reluctantly stayed with him. Okay, well, that's tricky. The financial aspect of relationships can keep people stuck in really bad situations.

36:48That happens all the time, especially when there are children involved, but that can also sometimes be an excuse for people to not leave dangerous situations. So let's see where this goes. She says she's been unhappy their entire relationship. Then she met me, which gave her the motivation to formally break up with her ex two months ago. I always find it interesting when someone's in an objectively terrible situation and they should just get out for their own reasons, but then they meet somebody and it's like, oh, finally, I have a reason to leave because there's another option for me. And it's like, I don't know, that's an interesting wrinkle to the story.

37:18Well, it's a red flag, right? Because it means I don't want to be alone. That's the worst thing. Being in an abusive relationship, it's not as bad as being alone. Like, wait a minute. Yeah, it's worse by a lot. That's kind of what I'm getting at. That's right. So the letter goes on. She says she's totally in love with me, and she introduces me to her friends as her boyfriend, but she refuses to tell her ex about me because she's concerned that he'll flip out. She also says how much he's emotionally falling apart and that he feels sideswiped by her abruptly breaking up with him when he thought things were fine.

37:48Oh, man. So she's still essentially in a relationship with this guy, still living with him, even though they technically broke up and she has a new boyfriend? The I'm afraid he's going to flip out and the whole like he's falling apart right now thing. I don't know. That paints a picture for me again of a woman who's still kind of taking care of this guy and probably prioritizing him over herself and her new boyfriend. So I wouldn't be surprised if the money element were not the main reason she's still there, but we'll see. Agreed. She might have financial problems, but the old I can't find an affordable apartment might just be a convenient excuse to avoid making an actual hard decision and rocking the boat.

38:24That's right. So the letter goes on. I'm a very compassionate person, so I find myself feeling bad for all of them, including the ex. That's very interesting. That is interesting. So the ex is a total mess, your girlfriend is protecting him, and you're sympathizing with all of them? Probably to your own detriment. Got it. But I'm very uncomfortable with her continuing to live with him, without giving me any clear indication of a plan to either move out of their place or ask him to leave. Uh, yeah. It's not a real relationship, dude. She's still entangled with this guy. She's not stepping up and defining her life the right way.

38:58He goes on, it's no longer a financial issue. She has the money. I've even offered to help her by lending funds. Oh, okay, so that answers that. She's definitely sticking around because she's afraid of him and or she's still getting something out of this arrangement. Yeah, this woman has some things to resolve. Candidly, this is raising a ton of red flags, but it's possible she just doesn't know how to assert herself and tell people what she wants. And or the fact that they have a child together is complicating matters and keeps her tethered to him. Yeah, that is fair, because that does make things maybe more complicated if they have a child, and are we still co-parenting, and what does that look like, and how do the finances work, and I'm afraid to be a mom on my own, etc., etc.

39:36Okay, so he goes on, she was saying how urgent it was to leave that apartment. She's not saying that anymore. Anytime I bring it up, she gets upset and says she feels pressured. I don't know what to do. I'm in love with her, but my gut tells me that she might not ever actually leave him? What should I do? Signed, a half boyfriend, half stuck, with this half partner and her old buck. You need to tell your girlfriend, who is your girlfriend, not this other guy's girlfriend, that you guys are together now and you want to know where you stand and build your life together. And her living with her toxic ex is weird.

40:11It's dysfunctional. It honestly makes zero sense. And that she needs to tell him that she's moving out or he's moving out. Or you can't feel secure or excited about your relationship with her. It's really as simple as that. It's not a crazy thing to expect. It is so weird that she's still living with this guy and she has to know that. I have a very strong feeling that there's more to the story than the facts here. I also think so. And it makes me sad. It makes me uncomfortable and sad. Maybe it's more dangerous than they're letting on also. I'm also wondering about that. You know, to your point earlier, his girlfriend is very concerned about protecting her ex and being there for him even now.

40:47But it's not like it was a great relationship and he's this solid guy and they're transitioning to being friends and they're going to be great co-parents. I mean, this dude emotionally abused her. He cheated on her. He's struggling with an addiction. So presumably not a great father, I'm guessing. So the fact that she wants to make sure he is okay is already a worrisome sign. And that's precisely the codependence that probably helped make their toxic relationship possible. And where my mind goes is, is she going to bring that into her new relationship with our friend here? There's also a darker possibility here, which is that this guy still has her under his thumb in some way.

41:22Emotionally, physically, who knows. And she's just terrified that he's going to do something to her if she leaves. And if that's the case, then this situation is a lot more serious. And then it's about how to leave a domestic abuse situation. But based on what you've shared, this guy just says some really mean things. And I know that can get in someone's head and be very intense, but that should not stop her from leaving the guy, especially with your help. The fact that she gets upset and says that she feels pressured when our friend here says, hey, I think it's time to move out. That says a lot.

41:49I think that's the key to this. I agree. But again, I don't quite know what that reaction's about. Right. Is she getting worked up and defensive because he's pushing her to make a decision and she's just not comfortable putting her foot down? Is she freaking out because she's legitimately afraid of this guy? Is she just really bad with change and she's just like trying to keep things on an even keel? I don't know, is she afraid of hurting her ex-boyfriend's feelings, which is another aspect of the caretaking and the codependence, and she's just kind of, like, paralyzed. Or, and I just got to raise this possibility, I'm sorry to bring it up, but are they still maybe kind of carrying on romantically, and or she still has feelings for him?

42:24Come on, man. I guess we have to acknowledge the possibility. I don't know. Doesn't sound like it, but I guess it's possible. Come on, man! I mean, she did formally break up with him, supposedly, So that makes me think no, but whether they're actually romantic or not, she is involved with him. I mean, come on. It's so weird. I just can't get over it. What we know for sure about this woman is that she's messy. She met our friend here when she was still with her ex, which given their relationship makes a lot of sense and maybe isn't the worst thing, but it is messy. And when she got together with him, she kept living at her ex's house, which only compounds the mess.

42:58And when our friend goes, okay, so here's how we make this clear and simple. She's going, no, I can't do that to him. He's not in a good place. I'm not ready. Don't pressure me. Continuing the mess and making this mess even messier. Yeah. So I think you need to really sort this out with your girlfriend, and it might involve giving her an ultimatum. You might have to say, look, you're either with me or you're with him, and you need to make a choice. But more importantly, I would try to help your girlfriend explore why this decision is so hard for her. What's keeping her there? Why is she afraid to draw a line?

43:28Why is she willing to tolerate this confusing situation? How much the child they have together is playing a role. All of it. Candidly, I'm just very concerned about what this says about her. I worry that these qualities will show up in your relationship. They often do. But that doesn't mean she can't grow. She might just need some help, but she needs to be willing to accept that help. She can't shut down and push you away and blame you for pressuring her when all you're doing is encouraging her to grow up and make a fair decision. If she keeps doing that, then that would be a real deal breaker for me if I were in your shoes.

44:01Hope you can get through to her. Hope she can invite you in and good luck. You know who definitely wants to shack up with you and only you? The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of the show and you found our advice valuable, please, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our sponsors. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. You can use the AI chatbot. You can search the site. You can even email me. I'll dig that code up for you.

44:30It is very important to use those. And I thank you in advance for supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey guys, my boyfriend is a well-known photographer and artist. He posts a lot of his work on social media and as his social media following has grown significantly, so have various dubious requests by a lot of NFT promoters who want to sell his art. He's mostly been dismissive of these requests, but lately they've gotten more professional and serious sounding, and he's now considering a few of the offers that he's received. He thinks this might be a good investment because, you know, some Time magazine cover or whatever sold for some insane amount of Ethereum, but I'm not so sure.

45:13I've done some legwork on NFTs, and I personally can only see this as a scam of some sort, a bad investment and possible loss of rights to his own art at best. To quote you, Jordan, if 99 % of these investments are scams, why would it be any different for those providing the art? Do you have any advice on this or ideas about how to navigate the situation? Signed, a gal trying to spill the NFT. I like that one. NFT as in, oh yeah, nice Gabe. Right, so the NFT world, it's kind of a mess and very murky. And I know people who are really into it are going to be like, you just don't understand them.

45:50I understand them very well. and I'm surrounded by some of the brightest minds in the crypto sphere. There's a lot of BS and scamminess in blockchain, period. If you look at the numbers, trading volumes for NFTs have just totally collapsed. As of this month, I think they've gone from a billion dollars a week a couple years ago to something like under 100 million today. So it's not dead, but it's bad. I mean, it's 90 plus percent down, which is bad for any kind of thing. Of course, different people have different views on this. NFT evangelists and entrepreneurs who obviously have a very vested interest in propping up the NFT industry, they're saying things like, hey, this is normal.

46:26Peaks and troughs are part of the business. But a lot of other people, including the most bullish crypto Bitcoiners, are saying, yeah, this is a total flash in the pan. It's not a real product and it's fundamentally dumb. I'm not saying NFTs won't have some value long term, potentially. I mean, a thing is worth whatever people are willing to pay for it. So if people continue to be willing to pay for NFTs, and I don't understand why they would, but that's a separate point. If they're willing to fork over money for a picture of an anime character or whatever, then sure, NFTs are quote unquote real and they'll be quote unquote valuable.

46:57But I myself fall more in the second camp. I just don't think that this NFT thing and its current iteration is gonna hold up. Also, a lot of this NFT business is, I'm selling a picture of a llama to myself for$300 ,000 in Ethereum because then it's supposedly worth$300 ,000, which to me is why nfts really do seem like a greater fool scam so you quote unquote prove the worth of the nft by inflating the value by selling it to yourself or somebody you know maybe and then you or they try to sell it to somebody else and pocket the difference in art galleries we're doing this and stuff like that i mean i know people that did a bunch of this and it really was lucrative as long as they found a dumbass to part with their crypto funds and it's interesting based on what I've read, NFTs are actually enabling money laundering.

47:46People just converting and moving funds around in shady ways using these silly assets. I'm not going to get into the weeds on that, but I know some anti-money laundering people. They pointed this out to me right away. Bottom line, the bubble popped on NFTs months and months ago. The most popular NFTs was the Bored Ape series, I believe. And these notoriously went from like$2 million to$2 ,500 or whatever. I think Justin Bieber and other celebrities got super screwed on those. His NFT lost like 95 plus percent of its value. But for an artist like your boyfriend who's being asked to sell his work as NFTs, the calculation may change a little bit.

48:23Who knows? Maybe there's some money to be made. It all depends on what the contracts look like. If these people who want him to provide the art, if they're willing to pay him a certain amount of money up front and he's happy with that number, maybe it's worth it. A deal like that could theoretically be a lot of upside with very little risk to him. If they're saying, hey, we'd love to sell your art as NFTs, you'll get nothing up front, but you'll get X percent of whatever we manage to sell and Y royalties down the line. It's probably a waste of time. I'd be skeptical. The likelihood of seeing real money is much, much lower, obviously much riskier.

48:57And he should only be working with a reputable NFT company. And I almost chuckle as I say that because reputable in the NFT world is kind of highly ambiguous and relative. and if he's somehow a partner to the NFT creators rather than just an artist selling or licensing his work at arm's length, I'd be concerned about him being personally liable if the token goes sideways. And also, don't let them pay him in pretend money that they have crafted, right? He needs cash or Bitcoin or Ethereum, not, oh, we've got photo coin and it's NFT money for photography. It's not gonna be worth anything. It's a Ponzi scheme and he's gonna be a part of it.

49:31Also, if he does any NFT deals, He needs a super solid attorney to make sure the contracts are solid, not the contract on the blockchain, a real paper, legally enforceable one. I'm no expert in this world by any means, but a few things that he should look out for are, well, he should definitely retain ownership slash copyright of his intellectual property. Otherwise, somebody else could own his photos, and that's no good. Or if he's willing to give that up, he'd better get a good price for it, and he's got to define that in the agreement. He's got to define royalties, how they're calculated, how they're tracked, how they're paid out.

50:03He's got to make sure contracts state exactly what artwork is being sold down to the file names and the metadata. It's also got to stipulate who pays for things like the storage of the NFT once the token changes ownership. Your boyfriend should not be on the hook for that kind of technical stuff. And probably many, many more things I don't even know about, but those are some of the big ones. This is based on just some quick research we did in my hazy memory of contract law. So yes, 99 % of these investments are probably either dumb or just straight up scams. But it could be different for those providing the art if the deals are favorable to the artist.

50:39But boy, do I have a surprise for you. Most deals with artists are not favorable to the artists, from music to movies to literally anything that artists are involved in. That's basically been true forever. But anyway, it all depends on the terms he's being offered. You're right to be skeptical. But hey, if he can make some money from this craze in a non-shady way that doesn't victimize people, more power to them. Just make sure it's all in the up and up. They're not just taking your boyfriend's artwork for next to nothing and promising him tons of riches down the line in pretend monopoly money and then praying they can convince enough ignorant people to buy the NFT and resell it a thousand times in order to make money.

51:11I think it's pretty cool your boyfriend has a big following with his work, though. I'm more excited about that in his potential in his career in that area than I am about anything NFT related specifically. And good luck both to you and him. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 16-year-old guy, and just this month, I lost my father to alcoholism. Oh, man. I am so sorry to hear that. That is horrible. What a thing to go through. For as long as I can remember, my father has been that one constant, the only real provider of love in my life. I'm loved by many, but he was the only one who really understood me.

51:48I'm now plagued with feelings of sadness and regret. The day before he died, I was at a 12-hour school tournament, and I never got to tell him how well I placed. Oh, bud. I mean, you couldn't have known that, right? I mean, this is obviously not your fault, but I understand. Look, I'm sure you guys had tons of important moments together. He probably wanted you at school, crushing it in your tournament. I do understand why you feel this way. Nobody wants to not be around for this moment, right? It might be because I'm a diagnosed autist, but I float between total numbness and sheer sadness, the type of sadness that causes unstoppable crying.

52:22I've been coping by playing video games and I feel aimless. Look, of course, you're grieving. This is painful stuff. I don't think it's because you're autistic. It's because you're grieving. Maybe there's a twist on it because of that. But look, everything you're describing, completely normal. It's a reflection of how much you loved your dad. But I hear you. You're really going through it right now. So he goes on, my mom has floated the idea of going to therapy, but I feel unsafe talking to a therapist. Due to being hurt so badly before, I find comfort in knowing my secrets are known only to me.

52:54Being a closed book is a coping mechanism, but it's eating away at me. To add salt to the wound, I woke up yesterday to learn that my father's father passed away too. It had been coming, he had cancer, we were never close, he was a very bad father to my father. But now that my dad is gone, I can't hug him or tell him I love him. Oh boy, this is a lot of loss. Even if you weren't super close with your grandfather, it's sad, it's intense. What a heavy time. Also, I gotta say, interesting that your grandfather was a bad father and then your father ended up wrestling with addiction. I assume those are connected in some way.

53:30It's a sad cycle. Almost certainly related. I pride myself on my keen intellect, but my heart is shattered. I've thought of ending it all, but I don't think my dad would want that. Regardless, these thoughts plague me. How do I move on from such a debilitating loss? Signed, scraping by and try not to cry, but still too shy to rely on someone as I say goodbye. Wow. Well, first of all, thank you so much for sharing all this with us. I know you're going through a very intense transition right now, and I love that you opened up to us in this way. Losing a parent is an extremely painful experience.

54:07Losing a parent at 16? Devastating. Losing a parent at your age to alcoholism? I mean, there are just no words. This is incredibly tragic. Your dad's pain was very deep. It sounds like he didn't always have the tools to process it and stay healthy. And now you guys are left carrying this sadness. It's awful. And I'm so very sorry that you are going through it. So look, we talk about this on the show from time to time. When it comes to big losses like this, it's not so much about moving on. It's about moving through. And moving through means allowing yourself, and I mean really allowing yourself, to feel everything that your dad's loss is bringing up.

54:45The sadness, the anger, the regret, the fear, all of it. And not suppressing those feelings or numbing too much or running away from them because they're scary and uncomfortable. To grieve well and come out the other side, you have to be in touch with all of this stuff. I know you're looking for a shortcut or an off switch, some way to short circuit the pain. And I get it. Nothing could be more normal, but there isn't. Life just doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, we got to feel the feelings as annoying as that is. We got to talk about them, make meaning out of them. That's really all we have.

55:17I know this loss is debilitating, as you put it, but what makes it more debilitating is numbing, avoiding, suppressing. Those feelings, they have to go somewhere, and over time, they will get easier. I promise you're at the hardest part of this process. The loss is fresh. The sadness is overwhelming, but it does get easier naturally on its own. And I know it's a cliche, but time does work wonders. It heals all wounds. So obviously I'd love for you to accept your mom's invitation to go to therapy. I think that's very wise. That would be an extremely helpful space for you to talk about your dad right now and to explore everything else going on in your life for that matter.

55:54But I'm especially eager for you to find some support right now because of the suicidal ideation you're experiencing. And again, thank you for sharing that with us. I know that's a scary thing to acknowledge, even though every single human being at some point has thoughts like that. And when you do, it's essential that you talk to somebody about them. Essential. And the best person is a trained professional who can really help you unpack them in a safe space. So I say go. Go as soon as you can to therapy. I got to tell you, we get so many letters from young people saying, I want to go to therapy, but my parents won't let me, or I really need to go, but if I told my mom or my dad that I really need to go to therapy, they would freak out and they would think they did something wrong.

56:35So the fact that your mom is offering to take you to therapy is amazing. I mean, she's giving you a huge gift here. And yeah, I'm with Jordan. If I were you, I would accept it. But I hear you that you're wary about going and it is scary. And that is also very normal. Maybe it's the fact that you've been hurt by people in the past, as you said, maybe it's being on the autism spectrum. Maybe it's just how your family operates. It might feel safer and more familiar for you to be a closed book. but I also hear you when you say that being a closed book is eating away at you and that makes a lot of sense so you know that this approach is not really working and it is coming at a huge cost to you and also I find it very interesting that you pride yourself on your keen intellect so you're obviously smart you're a heady guy you're very you know like mind forward and that can often be a defense and it's a very common defense for smart people right they tend to intellectualize and intellectualization can be a defense against feeling all of these feelings that are coming up to ward those feelings off and to try to get at them in a very safe and controlled way, kind of like above the shoulders, you know?

57:39But like you said, your heart is shattered. And so your only real option is to go in there, go down in there and find out what's really going on. So yes, it's uncomfortable. And yes, it's scary. And yes, it's so new for you. But that doesn't mean it's bad. I think that actually means it's very important. The right therapist could be such a game changer for you, and they could help you address all of this trauma, not just your dad's death, but these experiences in the past that are making it hard for you to open up and trust people. And honestly, I think that could change the course of your life.

58:10I completely agree. Maybe you and your mom can find someone together, someone who's a good fit and ideally understands addiction and autism and grief and all these themes you're dealing with, and just take a chance and start talking. Not to belabor this, Jordan, but going to therapy and working on this stuff is what his dad should have done. And instead of talking about his dad and what he struggled with, he tragically turned to addiction. It's like a completely different path. Right. Something very painful has been passed down here. It sucks that he inherited it, but now it's his to work through.

58:40And I know there's some really huge growth in store for him. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, my dude. You deserve better. It's a real shame your dad got to this point. It's just incredibly sad. But here you are. You are going to be okay. Don't worry about moving on. Just move through as thoughtfully as you can and find the support you need. Invite this stuff in and trust that this intense process is going to take you exactly where you need to go. We're sending you and your mom a huge hug and we're wishing you all the best. Okay, before we wrap up here, our teammate Jace, you guys might know him as our audio engineer, also as the guy who's been making two grown men cry around here lately with that amazing life story that he shared with us a couple months back.

59:22Jace's father passed away recently and suddenly. And just like our young friend here, Jace has been going through it, as you can imagine. His dad sounds like a very special guy. And we wanted to just take a moment to honor him on Feedback Friday and send Jace our love as well. Also, Jace told us that before his dad died, this was a while back, on his dad's birthday, right after his dad saw one of his colleagues at work get into a serious accident, which apparently shook him up quite a bit. Jace wrote him a letter telling him how much he means to him, how his dad made him the man he is today. One of those big heartfelt letters that he wanted to write for a long time, but just never did.

1:00:00And then the accident moved him to finally sit down to do it. And as you can imagine, it was a really special document. We're not going to read the letter, but Jace shared it with us. And as per usual, it was a real tearjerker. So thanks for making us cry yet again, Jace. Seriously Specialty You know for a repressed Brit Jace sure knows how to tug at the heartstrings He does It's really funny Sometimes I'm like are you sure you're from England? This isn't doing any favors to that famous stiff upper lip No it's not Anyway part of the letter that really got me was when Jace said I don't want to wait to say these things to you in case something ever happens to you And I'm realizing that for me not to tell you how grateful I am Is only adding to my own selfishness Which I don't think Jace was ever selfish Just like I don't think our friend from the previous letter did anything wrong by going to a tournament for school.

1:00:45You know, there's always more we could have said. There's always more life to live. Them's the rules. And no one's perfect. And we're all trying our best. But I love this. Jace was hoping that more people might be inspired to write similar letters to the people that they love. So we just wanted to share that with you guys. Not in a preachy way, hopefully. Just in a, hey, this is a really sweet thing. Nothing's guaranteed in life. Maybe give it a go. Don't wait to say the things you want to say to the people you care about. That's all. A letter like the one we just heard really drives that one home.

1:01:16And it was interesting that it arrived just as Jace was going through this transition himself. So we wanted to pass Jace's invitation along. It could be as formal as a letter. It could be a text message. It could be a voice note. It could be a string of weird emoji that only makes sense inside your family or friend group. It doesn't matter. As long as you're taking a moment to tell the people you care about what they mean to you. It could take you 60 seconds. It might mean the world to them. So thank you again, Jace, for the awesome reminder. You're a real one. You're a great son. I'm sure your dad was super proud of you.

1:01:45We're so sorry that you had to say goodbye, but I know that this transition is that much easier and that much more meaningful because you took the time to tell your dad those things when you did. Taking that into my weekend for sure. Going to do something like this myself and I hope all you will as well. And I want to thank everybody who wrote in this week and everybody who listened, as usual. Thank you so much. Go back and check out David Eagleman and Morgan Housel if you haven't yet. David and I had a great time. So did Morgan and I. If you want to lighten the mood a little bit, you haven't heard those, go grab those right now.

1:02:13The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know, like, and trust. I'm teaching you how to build that to get the six-minute networking course. It's free. I don't want your credit card number. It's not a gross thing. It's just dig in the well before you're thirsty. Build relationships before you need them. You can find it at jordanharbinger.com slash course. Also, our newsletter, if you haven't signed up yet, jordanharbinger.com slash news. We resurface an old app. We go grab those gems and takeaways and we put it right in your inbox.

1:02:40900 plus episodes. We're going to have plenty of material again at jordanharbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts on the website at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Milio Campo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer.

1:03:15Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis' input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Not that you thought it did. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn.

1:03:43And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of The Jordan Harbinger Show with a pain psychologist that helps people manage chronic pain when all else has failed. None of us are going to escape pain. Pain is part of being human. All of us at some point, if we haven't already, are going to experience pain. seems about time we understood it, knew how it worked, and knew what to do about it. So I am what's called a pain psychologist, which no one has ever heard of. People say, oh, well, you must treat emotional pain. The answer to that is no. Pain is always both physical and emotional.

1:04:20That's what neuroscience says. And in fact, what we know is that negative emotions like stress and anxiety or depression or anger or frustration turn up pain volume in the brain. We think and are trained that pain lives in the body, like in your back or in your knee. It is of course true that things may be going wrong in your back or in your knee, but that isn't where pain lives. Pain lives in the brain. Pain does not always indicate danger. When you have chronic pain and your brain has become sensitive, small bits of non-dangerous input from the body are being interpreted incorrectly as dangerous.

1:05:04You've seen that car alarm. You're looking out your window and that car, the lights are flashing and the horn is beeping and you're like, bruh, no one's breaking in. You're safe. The glass isn't even broken. That's a brain on chronic pain. So it's just so important for people with pain to know that part of what's happening for them is that their brain has become extra sensitive and it is alarming when it doesn't need to. And it can be hacked. Guess what you and I are doing today? To hear more from Dr. Rachel Zofnitz about how pain works in the body and brain, check out episode 661 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.

1:05:45This episode is sponsored in part by Everything Everywhere Daily. You've heard the phrase, learn something new every day. Sounds nice, but do you actively do it? That's where Everything Everywhere Daily comes in. This podcast makes it effortless. Just 10 minutes a day, you'll walk away with a fascinating fact, a slice of history, a science gem. It's no wonder the show has climbed up to the top as the number one history podcast. It covers history, science, technology, geography, and stories of remarkable people, always in a way that keeps you hooked. Not sure where to jump in? Start with these favorites.

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