973: Kid's Not Possessed, She Just Needs a Safe Nest | Feedback Friday

22:26Fraga would wonder about the possibility of a postpartum mood concern, even postpartum psychosis. Apparently, these mental illnesses can basically arise at any time in the first year after giving birth. Dr. Fraga said that these cases are a psychiatric emergency, of course, and require medical attention and treatment, but as she put it to us, with the right help, moms do get better. Now, because your sister's delusion started a bit later, it's also possible that your sister's alcoholism is impairing her judgment, as alcohol tends to do. And Dr. Fraga said that if she's drunk when she's saying this stuff, it's not necessarily indicative of psychosis.

22:59It could just be alcohol-induced, especially if her alcohol use has increased, like you said. But sometimes these mental health concerns are comorbid, meaning there's more than one disorder that's contributing to the problem. Yes, these are all good theories. And I also wonder if the alcohol is possibly driving some of the delusions or hallucinations. I mean, I think sometimes drinking can get so bad that you actually do start hallucinating. but usually you hear about that with the DTs, like when you are experiencing withdrawal, it can be really bad. But yes, there's clearly a lot going on here.

23:29So how do you help your sister? Well, the first step is to get her a medical and a psychiatric evaluation, and there are a few ways you could do this. Option one is, if she's open to help at all, you could help her find a therapist and go with her to her first appointment, wait with her in the waiting room, pick her up afterward. This would probably be the best case scenario in my mind because the therapist would be the most qualified to help your sister and hopefully connect her with the resources that she desperately needs. It also sounds like your sister has a lifetime of very intense stuff to work through, and it would be great if she could be talking to somebody right now, if she's capable of that.

24:01Option two is if you're worried about her safety, you could take her to the emergency room where presumably the staff at the hospital would request a psychiatric consult at a minimum. I'm assuming they would notice that she doesn't seem to be entirely in her right mind, and they could call a psychiatrist to come talk to her and check her out. Option three, if this ever becomes an imminent emergency, like if you get a sense that she's about to hurt herself or hurt one of her children or her partner is about to hurt her or she's just experiencing a complete break with reality and it's dangerous, you could call an ambulance.

24:33Dr. Fraga said that medical providers are trained to ask patients if they're being hurt by a partner physically, emotionally, so that would be another way to help protect her from her boyfriend. Although, of course, there's no guarantee that she would be forthright about any abuse. It does sound like your sister hides a great deal, or she just straight up forgets and doesn't register a lot of what she goes through, which is so sad. And unfortunately, I don't have super high hopes there. Dr. Fraga's other concern is for your nieces who are being exposed to what sound like pretty traumatic situations.

25:03So if you ever learn that your nieces are in real danger, if they're being abused or neglected or exposed to dangerous people, there, you know, drug use in the house or sketchy people coming around, Dr. Fraga said that you might need to consider calling Child Protective Services or the equivalent agency in your state and filing a report. Now, as we all know, this is a very tough call to make. It could have some big impacts on your sister and on the kids, but if they're at serious risk, it's often the right thing to do. Dr. Fraga had one other interesting idea to get through to your sister, which was you could ask her what she would do if you were in a similar situation.

25:38You know, like, what advice would you give me if I were in your shoes? What would you tell me to do to protect my kids? What would you want for them? Dr. Fraga said that a question like that can sometimes help shift somebody's perspective. It can lower their defenses a little bit. It can get them to see things more objectively, hopefully allow them to let you in more. Again, a classic can't read the label from inside the jar situation. Exactly. And no guarantees, of course. I mean, again, the big caveat to all of this is, is your sister even clear enough, lucid enough? Is she able to even have these conversations.

26:09But that could be the start of a more productive conversation with your sister. One last resource Dr. Fraga pointed us to Postpartum Support International, a great nonprofit focusing on pregnancy and postpartum issues. They offer resources for everything from finding support groups to helping a loved one going through postpartum challenges to finding medical providers and experts to talk to. We'll link to the PSI website in the show notes for you. It'd be a great help right now. And again, I am so sorry that your sister is going through all this, that she's suffering. There are things you can do to help her and the kids.

26:41I definitely think you need to try. But I also think the unspoken theme of your letter is coming to terms with the limit of your influence here and bearing the sadness and the anger and the grief that that brings up. So in addition to helping your sister, I hope you find some support as well, whether it's going to therapy, reading books about addiction, trauma, family dynamics, or checking out a group like Al-Anon. I actually think Al-Anon would be an incredible place for you right now. We've talked about it on the show before. Al-Anon is a program for friends and family members of Alcoholics.

27:11It's a very powerful community. Even if you just go to a few meetings, you can even attend them remotely. You'll pick up some really important gems and find a whole community of people who are going through what you're going through. And that can be really comforting and healing. We're sending you, your sister, and her kids a big hug and wishing you all the best. Big thanks to Dr. Fraga for her insight and wisdom here. You can learn more about her and her work at drjuliefraga.com. That's D-R-J-U-L-I fragga.com. You can also find her on Twitter at D-R underscore fragga. We'll link to both of those in the show notes, of course, as well.

27:43You know what you're definitely not hallucinating, though, folks? The eye-watering deals and discounts on the products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening to and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps the lights on around here, although, once again, Gabriel is sitting in the dark. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you hear on the show so you can check out the sponsors for yourself, visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next?

28:15Hey, Jordan and Gabe. Two months ago, I started a new job and my boss is this almost 70 year old dude who's still rocking it because he loves what he does. He's a very kind man, has been true to his word and is trusting me to take over the company in the next few years. I feel valued and honored. Wow, that is quite an endorsement of you, especially after two months. And I think I have more to say about that, but I'm not sure yet. Well done. Pretty quick to be handed over the reins, I think. Yeah, let's come back to that. Let's see where this goes. So she goes on, but he tends to be old school, kind of stubborn, slightly curmudgeonly and stuck in some of his ways.

28:51I try to roll with it and just keep writing my meetings down in the paper appointment book he insists we use while I simultaneously enter the appointments in my Outlook calendar. Yeah, that's so annoying. I just can't with this kind of stuff, man. Frickin' Seymour and his at-a-glance calendar from 1997. I know the dude is 70, but let me use Google Calendar, Seymour. It is not that hard. If you're running your company on paper calendars in this day and age, I kind of feel like you're trying a little bit to be a dinosaur. This stuff has been widely available since the early aughts. I mean, I was working at a law firm in like 2004 or whatever.

29:27And they were like well into the computerized age here. Of course. Yeah. You're just going out of your way to be super inefficient. Frankly, you're just prioritizing what's easy for you over what's easy for literally everybody else in your entire business and your external clients for that matter, too. Right. Can you send me a calendar invite? What do you mean? I wrote it in my calendar. All right. OK. You write it in your calendar. You write it in yours. That's how it works. You line them up and we hope for the best. Maybe I'm underestimating how hard this stuff is for some folks. Maybe technology intimidates the guy.

29:57I don't know. Well, I think we know what our friend here's first move is going to be when she takes over this company. For sure. Throw out all the paper Rolodexes, start a company outlook calendar, watch efficiency immediately jump 60 % across the entire company overnight. I'm just shaking my damn head over here. Who knows what else? This is just one example. Like, can you drive to the office and get a copy of those papers and fax them? Can't I just copy the PDF from my... No, I need the paper. PD what? Yeah, exactly. Adobe who? Who's Adobe? So she goes on. Then last week, we had a lunch meeting with some potential new clients.

30:31I laid the groundwork myself and brought them in. My boss was genuinely impressed by my ability to establish this connection and recognize the substantial potential in landing them. Again, killing it. You're hungry. You're driven. I love it. Five minutes into the meeting, while I'm making a great connection with these clients, he cuts me off and starts asking them rapid fire questions. He barely gives them a chance to respond before interjecting with remarks that implied that they lacked expertise and that he had superior knowledge. He kept talking and talking, even while he was chewing and fragments of food were flying out of his mouth.

31:05Oh my gosh, that is so gross. That's Cheeto feet, boss version. Why, Seymour? Tell me, why? First of all, client service one-on-one, don't launch artichoke dip into the client's face. Truly. Just disgusting. So she goes on. She's having the same reaction. I was mortified. Yeah. It was nauseating. I kept trying to interject and soften the blow. Eventually, he must have felt his sales pitch was finished because he finally stopped speaking long enough for me to get the conversation flowing again. I had to work extremely hard to turn things around and stop them from leaving with a bad taste in their mouth.

31:44Yeah, literally. Yeah, exactly. I was going to make an artichoke dip landing in your nose. This is only slightly less disgusting than the foot cheese smell on my flight to Japan. Oh, man. It's close competition, I would say. And you know Seymour is one of those people who go to the airplane bathroom in their socks, too. Yeah, of course. No doubt. Dude, if I were a prospective client sitting across from a vendor who's spitting crab cake shrapnel at my face during the meeting. First of all, why are you eating during our meeting? Why? You don't have time for lunch? Am I your lunch hour? I think it was a lunch meeting.

32:16That's the vibe I'm getting. They're at a restaurant. I see. They're all at a restaurant. Okay, fine. You thought they were in the conference room and he ordered like a five course meal. Yeah, and everyone else is like, hey man, do you need to do that right now? Maybe we shouldn't put it past him. I just pictured that they went to a lunch meeting, you know, restaurant, but maybe we're being too favorable. I don't know. Either way, if somebody accidentally spits something on me, I get it. If they're just unaware and blasting stuff at me, I'm out of there. I'm not signing with them. I don't want to ever have to do that again.

32:44So I'm not going to sign with them for that reason. After the meeting, my boss spoke as if the interaction had gone exceptionally well. I was dumbfounded. We finally heard back from the potential clients and they declined to work with us. I tried to get feedback, but they just gave me a generic answer. Well, yeah, they're not going to say it was the crab cake shrapnel for me. Sorry. Like since then, we also lost a very large client who my boss also offended. I was in that meeting too, and it was uncomfortable. Interesting. So it's not just that this guy has bad table manners, it's that he's actually alienating people.

33:20And this is a real problem if you're losing clients. It's different if a client's like, can we deal with you and not see more? He's a little bit, yeah, old fashioned. You're like, I get it. This is like, we want to remove our business from your business because we hate this guy. He's terrible. It does not get any clearer than that. No. So she goes on, I suggested to my boss that we create an online survey that current and potential clients can use to help us better understand how to serve them. He doesn't like the idea and said that he doesn't want to hear their complaining. That is telling, isn't it?

33:52Feedback is for people who need help. We're perfect. Very defended, this guy. It sounds almost like narcissistic, but it's just a chronic lack of self-awareness on top of it. What a personality. It would be funny if there were an online survey that was like, hey, why don't you want to work with us? And in the drop-down menu. It's like rapid fire questions, severe narcissism, crab cake shrapnel, like all the options. Mansplaining, lack of attunement, failure to apply napkin to face. Yeah. And then the responses get automatically emailed to Seymour. So he has to read them. As if that guy knows how to read email.

34:23Right. No, that's a good point. Well, I mean, maybe hook it up to a fax machine or something. I don't know if it's not fax. Yeah. I want all my email printed in case I have to look at them later. Can't look at email once you read it, right? It's gone forever. Can you laminate them so I don't spill soup on them? Yeah, I like eating soup while I read my emails. Yeah, does SurveyMonkey send results by carrier pigeon? That might be the technology to go with here. Seymour uses hand-addressed envelopes with all the reasons he's a dumpster fire sealed with hot wax. That's his tech level. A raven from Winterfell listing all of his flaws.

34:56So, the letter goes on. Now I'm hesitant to bring in new clients until I have more control. But if I hold back, I'll miss out on opportunities to expand the company and earn bonuses. And despite his kindness, I find it hard to believe that somebody this set in his ways would be receptive to guidance from a younger and less experienced person like me. I've been excited about taking over this company in a few years, but now I'm not sure there will be a company left by then. How do I bring this up to him? What should I do? Signed, a rising star wondering whether to try to change a boss who lets his food fly.

35:29What a conundrum. I really feel for you here. This is such a tough, cringy boss to have. The paper calendar thing, eh, it's annoying, but you can work around that stuff. But the utter lack of self-awareness and the active avoidance of feedback. You know, if this guy were 20 and he was doing this, you could change him 30, maybe. He's 70, he's not even, and he doesn't even have any interest in trying. I don't wanna hear they're complaining. It's really tough. I think you have a few options here. Option one, you sit back, you don't bring new clients into the fold, you run out the clock till Seymour retires to his timeshare in Aruba until you can take over and, you know, not spray empanada dust on the very people you're hoping will pay you to do work for them.

36:07The upside is you don't burn any bridges with clients. You protect your reputation. You do things very differently when you take over. But man, the risk is you don't bring in new business and demonstrate your value. There might not be any company to take over, which is a significant downside. Option two, you take a chance. You give Seymour some much needed feedback on how he's coming across. The upside, he might change his ways at least a little bit. You might save the company and secure your future. The risk is he might just reject your feedback. He might get hurt or angry and, of course, turn that on you, and then your relationship might suffer.

36:40But honestly, I'm leaning towards option two for a few reasons. First, if what you're saying is all true, I'm genuinely worried that there's not going to be much of a company or any company to take over one day. If you're losing big clients, not closing clients, and you can't give this guy any feedback, It's just not going to work. So by giving Seymour a little bit of feedback and you're just trying your hand at that, you're not just helping him. You're actually helping yourself. And it's kind of like your last chance to help yourself. I'm also concerned that the cost of not speaking up is higher than the risk of saying something.

37:12Look, Seymour is probably going to notice that you're not bringing in new business, right? He's going to notice there's no new client lunches on his Franklin Covey calendar from 1994. And he might be like, yo, what's the deal? at which point you're going to have to explain the old I ran out of mechanical pencil refills is not going to, it's only going to hold up for so long. So this conversation might be coming anyway, but actually the most important thing here is learning to have a tough conversation like this. That's very much a part of becoming a great leader. And one day, hopefully soon, you'll have to give an employee some direct feedback or draw a boundary with a difficult client or fire a vendor.

37:48So this is an important muscle for you to build. Gabe, the question is, how does she frame this in a way that Seymour can actually understand. Because my fear is that she goes to him and says, hey, look, clients aren't responding well to you. And she just can't even begin to take that in. And then he's like, you're just jealous of my success. Or he's like, you're just being mean to me for no reason. Because this is a guy who doesn't seem like he's like, screw everybody. I don't care. Like, I don't understand this meeting didn't go well. It's totally different than they seemed a little uptight, screw them.

38:21You know, it was more like, oh, that went great. And then he's like, what? They didn't sign. I don't get it. There's not even like a little seed in his head that he's the problem. That's my issue with this. Well, the problem with a guy like Seymour is that hearing criticism is probably very distressing to him. Otherwise, he wouldn't be working this hard to avoid it. Or again, to be fair to him, he's so old and close to retirement that he's just out of f***s to give. And he's like, I don't want to deal with these people's BS at my age. Pass. But I really do think that he's just there's no seed in there planted.

38:50Yes, all of these are possible. But I really suspect that it's more than that. I mean, when you say something like, I don't want to hear clients complaining, when you are literally in a client service business, you are not just avoiding stress and annoyance or being a little dense. I think you're avoiding something in you that gets triggered by feedback from people whose opinion, like it or not, really does matter. That's true. So you would be walking a tough line in this conversation. But you do have one really helpful thing here, which is these clients you brought in, the old crab cake victims, they passed on working with you guys.

39:21And you also just lost this other large client. And they're not saying why, but these clients' decision is itself a form of feedback. And that's dollars and cents. And that is something that Seymour hopefully should be able to understand. So if I were you, I would frame this conversation around those losses, get his attention with the objective reality that you guys are losing business and try to pin as much of this feedback on these clients rather than on your perception of him. So you could say something like, look, Seymour, I love this company that you've built. I'm honored that you're trusting me to take over one day.

39:52I'm committed to setting this place up to succeed. I want to protect your legacy. As you know, we took a couple of L's recently. You might have to explain what L's means because I don't know if Seymour is going to get it, but took a couple of L's recently. And when that happens, I like to ask myself, you know, like, why did that happen? Could we have done something different? How can we learn from this? So I've been turning those questions over. I have some ideas. I wanted to see if you might be open to hearing them so we can figure this out together. And then I would stop right there and I would check in with him.

40:20And if he's like, hell no, you know, if those yahoos don't want to work with us, screw them. Well, then you have two moves. I think move number one is you say, okay, I hear you. You want clients to take us or leave us. I have a different lens on that, but I respect your stance and then you just drop it. Move number two is you say, okay, I hear you and I know it's really annoying when clients turn us down or when they fire us. Dude, it hurts me too, honestly. But I think there's something for us to learn here and it could help us make even more money in the future. So are you sure you don't want to talk about it?

40:51Obviously, I'm a fan of move number two. I think you at least got to try. I also don't think you have a ton to lose. It's also possible that Seymour goes, okay, I'm listening. You know, like, what do you mean we could have done something different? You know, he opens the door just a crack. Then you could say, well, what I'm noticing in these meetings is that some clients are responding to us in a way that we don't intend. For example, those clients who turned us down. I'm not sure if you realize this, but a few minutes into our conversation, you jumped in, you started hitting them with a lot of questions, and I'm sure that was your way of trying to engage them.

41:22You wanted them to know that we really know our stuff, and I appreciate that. But I think it came across very differently. I think they felt overwhelmed and maybe a little slighted, like it was kind of the Seymour show, which I'm sure you would agree is not the vibe we want to create. And with that other big client, the one that just left us, you remember that meeting? You know, my sense was that they were a little offended by that story you told about the geisha bar you visited in Tokyo or whatever he said at that meeting to piss them off. You know, Seymour loves a good geisha bar. I mean, if he keeps his shoes on, at least.

41:53Second only, of course, to the early bird special at Marie Callender's. Just getting that vibe. But yeah, frame it that way. Like, I know that was you shooting the breeze. You and I have a much looser style around the office, but other people, you know, they have different tastes. They have different expectations. And if I'm being totally honest, I know you didn't mean anything by it, but it was a little uncomfortable. And I'm pretty confident that that's why we lost them. And since they're the clients, I think it's important that we adapt to them. So I really like that script, Gabe. Way to walk that line.

42:22But I am dying to hear your script for telling him about the crab cake fiasco. That one's tougher. It's so awkward. I mean, how do you tell someone that they're essentially a Neanderthal and they have no manners? I don't know. You're the one who went up to the flight attendant and told them about the Cheeto feed. That's true. You're the one who's better at this stuff. I don't know. I think our friend here has to decide if she's going to give Seymour the gift of her honesty. So maybe you just say, look, Seymour, you know, you're a straight shooter. You shot those crab cake fragments directly at the target from across the table.

42:50Exactly. You're a literal straight shooter in ways that we all wish you weren't. Maybe you leave that part out. But yeah, you're a straight shooter. It's one of the things I like about you. I'm pretty sure I know why these clients turned us down. I feel I owe it to you. I feel I owe it to both of us, honestly, to tell you it's something that is so easy to fix. And if we avoid this in the future, I think we'll bring in a lot more money. Solid start. I like it. I'm hearing a lot of diplomacy here, Gabe. Not a lot of you're spitting crab cake in people's face. But I just I know I'm a harping on this.

43:20How on earth is she going to handle that? We got to give her some words. I know. OK, then I guess here's what you do. You say you probably didn't realize it, but while you were talking, you were also eating and it was a whole situation around your face. And unfortunately, between the rapid questions thing and the talking with your mouth open thing, I unfortunately do think that turned them off. That's what you say. Not bad. I mean, I know it sounds like I just keep like bringing up the same joke, not trying to kill the joke, but you have to bring up the fact that he spits food out when he talks.

43:48And that's not bad. I mean, that's basically what this is. You can't talk and eat. It's something I learned when I'm five and you're 75 and here we are, you know, better late than never. You don't have to tell him that he eats like a geriatric toddler, but you do have to be clear enough for him to realize that he made a major faux pas. Yes, I agree. Right. And somewhere in there, I would also say, I want to keep killing it for you. I want to keep bringing in clients, but I need to know that we're going to handle them respectfully, tactfully. So I just wanted to get on the same page about where we need to adjust so that we can all succeed.

44:21I love that. That's exactly right. So if you frame it the right way, he might be able to hear it. I hope he can, but I do worry that you're up against a lot here, because even if he can hear you out in this conversation, there's no guarantee that he's going to reevaluate his whole personal style, at which point the question becomes, do you stick around until he's gone, or do you bounce because Seymour is sinking the ship? And that's a tough one. I don't know this company's prospects, I don't know how badly you want to run the place, whether there are other exciting opportunities for you out there.

44:49I'd take some time to write out the upsides and downsides of staying, talk to as many trusted people as you can about this, game it out a little. The other thing to consider is, at your age, a few years is a really long time. I worry you're going to be twiddling your thumbs, waiting for this guy to step down, and then the company folds, or suddenly he decides not to retire, Logan Roy style, and then you'll just have wasted three years putting up with this jabroni and his flying food projectiles for nothing, which would be a shame. Yeah, that's a good point. I also just want to call out going back to the thing at the very beginning of the letter.

45:21I do find it a little strange that Seymour is talking about handing over the company to her after two months on the job. I mean, look, maybe she really is that good and more power to her. I love that. But also, is it possible that Seymour is kind of talking out of his ass here a little bit? Does he have a pattern of making empty promises or saying things he doesn't fully think through or doesn't mean everything he says? Is he kind of like that kind a sales guy will say anything to get the client and doesn't really mean everything, you know. So is he saying that to get her to stick around and bring more clients in?

45:50That's another question. Right. Maybe this is also part of his general carelessness that she's coming up against here. So that was the first thing that hit me. I also find this a little sus. I'm just not sure how much stock she should put in the promises of a guy who is famously misattuned and unselfaware. In fact, just to be on the safe side, I kind of think you should remove the idea that you're definitely going to take over the company from your calculation here. Because what I don't want is for you to pull punches with Seymour and make big plans for your future based on what could honestly just be the ramblings of an increasingly reckless and questionable boss.

46:26So the best advice I can give you, keep building great relationships outside this company, talk to great people in your field, stay open to other opportunities, keep reevaluating whether this is really the right place for you. Maybe it is. Maybe you really will take over and crush it. Or maybe this is a stepping stone to a place that actually knows how to treat clients well and capitalize on your amazing salesmanship. Both are fair, but you won't know until you know, and the first test is going to be, go have this chat with Seymour. That's going to tell you a lot about whether there's a way forward here.

46:54Keep up the great work. Seymour's lucky to have you. Let's hope he acts like it, and good luck. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes Gabe's job a whole lot easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in your mailbox, your school is asking for your girlfriend's nudes, or your dog busted you for having morning sex with your partner, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe.

47:23I'm 33 and I have a strained relationship with my dad. My mom always encouraged him to build more of a relationship with me, but he was never interested. He would tell her that I only needed my mom, that he didn't need to have a relationship with me. When I did reach out to him, I was often ignored, or he would make fun of my interests. So I ultimately just shut down. That's a bummer. I hate saying bummer because it understates it, but I'm just sorry to hear that. That's crap. When my parents divorced when I was 19, he threw himself into a rather cult-like church. He met a woman there, and they were engaged within two months.

47:58When my brother and I questioned him about whether he was rushing things, he blew up. A month later, they got married during a church service because it happened to fit in with the pastor's sermon. Cool. That's not impulsive at all. That all sounds very responsible. What a pair. Hey, by the way, I have a 15 minute gap in my sermon. Do you all want to like get hitched or something? Cause I noticed you're dating. Yeah. You want to make a commitment in front of God and the whole church? Sure. Yeah. I got, I got time. I, what are you doing for lunch? Nothing. All right. That's the reception then. So ridiculous.

48:29So since this is Feedback Friday, I can only assume stepmom now becomes a nightmare either slowly over time or immediately. I'm going to go with immediately, but let's see. Since then, his wife has been trying to distance my brother and me from him. Okay, well, there it is. Although with a dad like this, I'm not trying to make light of your situation. What does distancing from you from him even mean? Truly. You're not allowed to talk to the father who doesn't ever want to talk to you anyway and never showed any interest. Yeah, exactly. He's only making fun of your interests on Skype once a week from now on.

49:01And again, and I know we're having a laugh, but this sucks. As a father, this other dad, if you can even call him that, grinds my gears. How do you bring a child into this world and you don't celebrate and support them? For me, it was instant and automatic. For most parents, it's instant and automatic. I know she feels bad about this, and she's internalizing some of this, but this guy is defective. He's a defective human. He's a defective father. If you don't feel a bond with your children, maybe for the first few months, you get worried about that. I was worried about that. Other dads say they were worried about that.

49:32After that, though, you know, you've got your 19-year-old daughter. If you're not attached to her, that's a you problem. That's not her. It has nothing to do with the kid. There's something wrong with your brain as a man, as a dad. That's a you problem. So I won't harp on that anymore. So she goes on, When I lived with them for a couple months 10 years ago, she spent that time threatening me, and when she wasn't threatening me, she was fighting with him. At one point, she cornered me in our garage to tell me that I should move out and that she would like to move in with me. because since I'd been home, my father wasn't the same.

50:04Okay. This woman is all over the place. Does she like you or not? I'm super confused here. It's so confusing. Is she saying I would rather live with you because your dad sucks now? Or is she saying I want to move in with you and ruin your life the way you've ruined mine? I can't tell. It's a little some from column one, some from column two, probably, but it's unclear. What I do know is that no one should be living with this woman. My God, she sounds like a head case. When I told her I wouldn't be living with her, she told me that my dad gave her an STD before they were married. And that's why they rushed everything.

50:36I mean, talk about your overshares. Why would she tell you that? Also, not a great pitch for living together, is it? Your dad gave me an STD. You want to share a toilet? Like what? Seriously, I have the clap. Can I borrow your loofah? This woman sounds like she's just off her freaking rocker. When I confronted my dad about this, he told me I needed to grow up. Lots of people have herpes, he said. and she was aware of that before they had sex. Okay, well, he's not wrong and it's not even that big of a deal. For people who have herpes out there, I am not making light of your situation. I just think it's gross that you're talking about it with your stepmom and it's because of your dad.

51:13Like, why are you talking about this? Why are they talking about this? That's right. This is between them, once again, you, not you herpes, you dad and stepmom banging and giving each other STDs. That's the gross part. I packed that night and moved out. I bet. and took my loofah with me. I'm just kidding. She didn't say it. His wife later lied to my brother about how I found out about the STD and constantly tried to cause fights between us all. Our relationship has been distant and rocky since. Then last year, I received an extremely long text out of the blue letting me know that I'm not a good daughter and that I'm not a priority to him, but not in his usual language and spelling.

51:51I showed my brother and we both thought that his wife was probably up to her tricks again. Don't you love when you get a text and you just know somebody else wrote it? Oh, it's the best. Yeah. It's like your very own personal little ventriloquist show, except the play in this case is about your childhood trauma. And just like ventriloquism, super creepy. I will say though, sometimes it's funny. Like one time I got a text that was written really well and I was like, that's weird. And then it was like, this is mom using dad's phone. And I was like, oh, OK, because my dad, my dad does not. Once you see people write that you've known your whole life, like your parents and you realize, oh, he doesn't know the difference between A.R.E.

52:33and O.U.R. He says on our way. And I'm like, that's wait, what? Did you read that? When you type that. So this woman is using the dad as a pawn, right? Or she's putting words in his mouth or she's just grabbing his phone and sending it. And she's like, I'm going to make her I'm going to hurt her feelings because she doesn't want to live with me. I guess. Yeah, that must be it. So this is all so petty. So she goes on. After my parents' divorce way back when, I started therapy and have continued on and off for most of my adult life. One thing every therapist I've seen has agreed on is having limited to no contact with my father.

53:06After this latest exchange, I went back to therapy and decided to go completely no contact. But several months later, my husband and I got pregnant and I decided to let him know. Wow. Well, hey, congratulations. Sorry about your dad being a POS, but this pregnancy, super exciting and mazel tov. He then texted my brother and me saying that he's had dementia for over two years, but that he hasn't been formally diagnosed. So my brother got my dad seen at the hospital where he works. In that appointment, we found out that he had strokes he didn't tell anyone about, and that he does in fact have Lewy body dementia, a type of dementia that affects movement and mental function, but that it hasn't been going on for as long as he claimed.

53:45Interesting. So he's hiding certain stuff from you, and he might be playing up other stuff? This is all very sus. My brother is now healing his relationship with our dad, visiting him more and helping with his care, and he feels that I'm going to regret not opening myself back up to him. But I simply do not feel the same desire as my brother to go out of my way for my dad. Yeah, gee, I wonder why. He encouraged my dad to write me a letter. It listed some school accomplishments that he was proud of, a brief apology, and that was about it. I don't know how to respond, nor do I really want to. I know our relationship upsets my brother, but we ultimately had two different relationships with our father.

54:26Am I the bad guy for not writing back? How do I maintain my stance without upsetting the family balance? Signed, a daughter finding her way and trying to stay above the fray when her father turned the other way, which the family now wants to downplay. Oh, man. Well, okay. As with so many Feedback Friday letters, there's a lot going on here. We could talk for hours about all this, I'm sure. But just to get to the heart of things here, no. I don't think you're the bad guy for not responding to this latest overture from your dad, for maintaining your stance with him. Your dad, he wasn't a great dad to you.

54:59Not good. It doesn't sound like he even wanted to be a great dad to you. Or maybe it's more fair to say that he couldn't. Either way, this is not a parent who's earned a ton of love and loyalty from you. I mean, when you tell your partner that your child only needs them, that you don't need to have much of a relationship with your child, and then you ignore your child, you straight up make fun of their interests, and then decades later, when you have a chance to repair things, you write some lame-ass notes. It's like, I really liked your fifth grade book report about the giving tree. Sorry, I didn't want to hang out with you very much.

55:30Maybe give me another chance. When you fumble this relationship time and time again, what do you think is going to happen? It's super sad, right? But I'm afraid there just isn't much of a relationship here. It's not like you had a great relationship when you were young and then there was a divorce and he got distanced. No, there was just never anything. Now, your brother clearly had a different relationship with your dad. Maybe they had a stronger connection or maybe he just has a soft spot for him. Maybe he feels responsible for him somehow. Maybe he feels guilty. I don't know. Your dad is extremely lucky to have of your brother's help.

56:02Like with that doctor's appointment, and I'm glad your dad has that I guess at least, but yeah, you and your brother, you had different dads kinda, right? At least you had different experiences of your dad. And if the dad you had was more hurtful, more distant, less safe than the dad your brother had, then it makes sense that your obligation to him would be different. So my feeling, it is entirely fair to maintain different boundaries with him, to have a different level of contact and all that. And it's entirely fair for your brother to go a different way with your dad if that's really what he wants to do.

56:33I think you guys can respect the different choices you each make when it comes to being there for him. But given the facts here, I'm sorry, but I just, I'm not feeling a ton of sympathy for this guy at all. And if I were you, I'd probably be making the exact same call. I agree, and I get it. But this is tough, because even if she intellectually understands that, which I get the sense that she does because she decided to go no contact with him in the past, I'm sure it's still pretty hard for her to watch her brother be so kind and so forgiving toward her father, given how he treated her over the years.

57:02For sure. I get that. I wouldn't be surprised if she's a little angry about it too. Like, why are you so accommodating to the guy who hurt me my whole life? What the hell? And if so, part of her job is feeling that anger and that disappointment and that sadness and finding ways to process those feelings on her own and reminding herself that her brother's decision here is a reflection of her brother and his feelings about their dad, not of her, right? But to your point, I also feel that her brother needs to shift his perspective a little bit here too and accept that our friend has some valid reasons for keeping her distance from dad.

57:32Her relationship with him upsets her brother. I think that speaks to his very different feelings about their dad, clearly. It also probably speaks to his ability to tolerate a difference in opinion between him and his sister. And on that point, I do feel for her brother because he must feel that tension too, himself. He probably has to go over there and he has to listen to his dad and stepmom grumble about the sister. And, you know, it's uncomfortable to be in that situation. It's sad, it's stressful, so I get it. But I also suspect, and look, I'm speculating here a little bit, but I suspect that when our friend here says, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to drop everything to go take care of a father who treated me pretty poorly my whole life, that might stir up some tough feelings in her brother, right?

58:15He might see that and he might go, hmm, should I feel dumb for helping dad? You know, why can't I draw boundaries like that? Or why does it fall on me to take care of dad, even if he does want to do it? Can I still be close with my sister? if we disagree about something this big, you know, all sorts of thoughts and feelings. For all we know, her brother might be angry too. He might be confused. He might even envy our friend here a little bit for being able to take this stance on some level. And a lot of this is probably unconscious. But instead of recognizing those feelings and maybe sharing some of them with his sister so they can talk about them, which is admittedly very hard to do.

58:47But instead of doing that, it sounds like his impulse is to want to end that difference and end that tension. So he He goes to his sister and he says, hey, I think you're going to regret not opening yourself up to dad. And then he goes to his dad and he says, hey, you need to write her an apology letter and make this right. Right. He becomes the diplomat. He tries to patch things up, which is sweet in a certain way. And I'm sure it comes in part from a genuine desire on his part for harmony in their family, which is wonderful. But it might also come from an anxiety about finding himself on a very different page from his sister.

59:18So it's like, is he trying to meaningfully repair these relationships or is he trying to put a band-aid on these very real wounds so that he doesn't have to be on his own here or feel like he's caught in the middle? Which, if that's something this family did a lot growing up, I could see how that would also be a part of why our friend is so angry. She might be going like, can you just listen? Right. Can you just let me honor my totally valid feelings about our crappy dad? Exactly right. So I completely agree that she can go her own way here and she probably should, especially if dad continues to be this way.

59:50But I don't think that there's a way to maintain her stance without upsetting the family balance, as she put it. Because the way this family operates, the way many families operate, the family balance depends on her kind of ignoring these very real wounds, dishonoring her feelings about a parent who hurt her pretty badly, and ultimately compromising on what sound like very important boundaries for her. Right. And if upsetting the family balance is the cost of her having some integrity and protecting herself, then my feeling is, okay, that's the cost. Being true to herself here means that everybody involved, dad, brother, even stepmom, who is a whole other situation, they all then have to live with the feelings that her stance brings up.

1:00:31And that's not inherently bad. It's just hard. That's their job. Yeah, it's their job. And hey, maybe this is something worth sharing with your brother. Maybe you can help him understand why you feel the need to take the stance, given the childhood that you had. And maybe you tell him, look, you and I feel differently about dad, that's kind of hard for me sometimes. I can see that it's hard for you too, but maybe we can start to accept that, you know, but you pressuring me to change my mind with him saying that I'm going to regret it. I know you just want us all to be good, but that's not very helpful or appropriate to me right now, given what has played out here.

1:01:03Right. That could be a really good conversation for them. What I like about that is she wouldn't necessarily be trying to change her brother's mind the way that he's been trying to change hers. Right. She'd just be saying, hey, this is my experience. You have your experience. So maybe let's start by getting more comfortable embracing that and just still being cool. Yes. So there's our take. You are not the bad guy here, but you can always reconsider this boundary with your dad if the facts ever change. Like if he ever makes a meaningful apology and he wants to engage with you differently, or if your own feelings about him and what you feel like you owe him change, totally fair.

1:01:36Just keep being kind and compassionate while you're also firm about all this and you'll be okay. I'm so bummed and sorry that you had this dad. It sucks. There's no way around it. Them's the breaks, I guess. And I think you're doing a lot right here by staying connected to what you need. And congrats again on the baby. That's super exciting. I'm sure, you know, you'll actually want to hang out with your child and somehow refrain from making fun of their interests as they grow up. I'm shaking my head at your dad's behavior, but you don't have to repeat any of those patterns. So congrats and good luck.

1:02:05Who needs a crazy stepmom when you've got these crazy good deals on the products and services that support this show? We'll be right back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors. All of the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are all searchable and clickable over at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Thank you for supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 25-year-old first-generation daughter to Indian immigrant parents, and after a tough upbringing in middle Georgia.

1:02:44I'm getting sick and tired of this place. I eventually moved out of my parents' house and in with my best friend from college, which was a battle. It was the classic, what are people going to think about you living with someone not Indian thing, my best friend is black, and hearing things like, you won't last a year and you'll be back home. Oh, these are tough parents, man. Bit of a theme on today's episode, apparently. This is more than just the whole strict Asian parents thing. The rooting for you to fail part is probably the saddest. But the keeping up appearances thing and the not-so-casual racism, not really a great look either.

1:03:18So, yeah, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. So tough. So she goes on, I know my parents do love me and want the best for me in their own distorted way, but what they think is best for me is not what I think is best for me. My parents are very involved in their tight-knit community and religion, causing them to be very narrow-minded. Growing up, they often compared me to other people and commented on my skin color and weight every day without fail. They don't know the real me, because every time I open up, I get shut down. I've tried talking to them about why our relationship is strained, but they turn things around on me, saying, how could you ever think that?

1:03:53Everything we've done is for you. Which means paying for everything and buying the nicest things, which I would trade for an actual relationship with them any day. Oh, that is so sad. It is incredibly sad. To be fair, they're immigrants to America. They probably worked insanely hard, sacrificed a lot to give their daughter a good life. So when they say something like that, I'm guessing they mean, how could you be mad at us? All we do is try to make your life better. But their way of making her life better is so flawed and it's hurtful. And so their help comes with these big costs. These parents can't make room for both of those facts.

1:04:26So it's an interesting question how much to hold that against them. Right. If their background makes it hard for them to do that, it just like, at what point do you stop saying, oh, you guys are just stereotypical Indian parents and start going, okay, you guys are, kind of a-holes. Right. Yeah. Very confusing. I think she's in the process of figuring that out. So she goes on, my parents want me to marry a very specific Indian guy who is of the same religion, caste, level of wealth, and respect status in the community. I have a bachelor's in biomedical engineering and a master's in electrical engineering.

1:04:58I'm financially stable. I think I'm pretty decent looking. I have a great personality, but none of that means anything to them because I don't meet the ideal beauty standard. So in their eyes, I need to settle for what I can. I do not like the sound of this at all. They once tried to pawn me off on the son of a wealthy family they didn't even want to do business with. And it took me one phone call to find out that he's abusive. Wow. I went off on them and they haven't brought me another option since. I've always said that I'll marry whoever I want to marry, but they think it'll be somebody they expect.

1:05:34Wow. Okay. I'm sorry. These parents are starting to really piss me off. I want to be empathetic with people with very different values, but this is bullshit, right? Yeah. She's this super smart engineer scientist. She's financially solid. She's cute. She has an awesome personality and a healthy degree of confidence and self-worth from the sound of it, which by the way, given these parents kind of a big accomplishment and a testament to her own resilience. And they're like, sorry, you don't look like, I don't know, Priyanka Chopra or whatever. So you got to just take what you can get. And that basically means whoever we tell you to marry.

1:06:07And yeah, he slapped his ex-girlfriend around a couple of times, but whatever. Sometimes you got to do. I mean, what are you talking about? This is messed up. You know, hashtag feminism, hashtag patriarchy, hashtag insert cultural buzzword here. This is objectively wrong and hurtful. They are devaluing their daughter to her face, first of all, and putting her in danger. This is just not okay at all. Not okay. Then five years ago, I met a guy on Bumble. He worked in the British army and he was stationed at an army base near me. Oh, damn, this is going to be good. Just like our friend here has got our very own Bridgerton over here.

1:06:45So I don't know what that is at all. Yeah. It's not your jam whatsoever. Okay. So it's a show on Netflix that's based on these romance books. It's like a Victorian England period piece fantasy thing. I assume everyone listening right now is laughing at the fact that I don't know what Bridgerton is. But yeah, that nothing could be further from my areas of interest. Like, no, it's a show on Netflix about romance novels that are set in old timey England. Like, there's not one thing that overlaps with any shred of my interests. Everybody listening right now is laughing at that, but while also fanning themselves, picturing our friend here secretly hooking up with a hot British soldier near her house.

1:07:24Ooh, okay, I got it. Yeah, I'll probably give that a miss. Feedback Friday is all the romance novel nonsense that I really need. Also, if people from a former colony love one thing, I'm sure that it's going to be their daughter hooking up with a British soldier. Oh, man. I hadn't even thought about that. Hilarious. So yeah, okay, so she goes on. He eventually went back to the UK and we decided that we couldn't just be friends. So we made it official and have been doing a lot of traveling to make this relationship work. This has truly been one of the best things to happen to me. I love this guy beyond words.

1:07:57He's played a large part in my mental health journey. He's helped me see the world differently and understand myself better. He's kind, he's loving, funny, supportive, everything you would want in a partner. And his family is great. Oh my gosh, marry this dude already. Have a bunch of adorable mixed race babies you actually love and listen to and don't pawn off on creepy guys because they aren't Bollywood enough. Don't look back. Oh, okay. Well, I guess that's this letter answered. Done. Next up. Obviously, I'm really on her side here. I'm like, go live that Bridgerton dream and don't look bad.

1:08:28What is the issue here? But he's not Indian. Right. Okay. He's white, an atheist, in the military, not a respectable job to my family, and has a sleeve of tattoos. Everything my parents would not want for me, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. Well, now I'm fanning myself. Is this what Bridgerton is about? This is basically what Bridgerton is. Yes. Yeah. I'm adding that. Add to my list. Double thumbs up. Click that plus. All right. So she goes on. My parents do not know about this relationship because they just might kill me or themselves. I'm joking. Kind of. Oof. I don't know how seriously to take that.

1:09:08That is unsettling. And obviously that raises the stakes on all of this. Yeah. But also, is that just another form of manipulation? and marry who we want or our lives are going to be over. Also, we might kill you. So your life will be over. I don't know, man. Right. These parents, I know this is fairly common, but the bind they've put their daughter in here, now she's hiding. She's constantly stressed. It's all just not okay. And I also, I'm also really worried about the maybe kind of sort of kidding about the honor killing, but maybe not. That's not cool at all. I know it's not. It's actually very disturbing.

1:09:40Yeah. I'm planning on making a move to the UK by the end of this year. It's easier for me to move there. I love it there. and I'll do anything to leave this place. Do I tell my parents about my boyfriend before I leave or after I've left? And how honest should I be about the timeline of our relationship? Signed, reveal my secret beau before I go? Or take it slow and possibly invite more woe? Wow, okay. Well, this is quite a tale, my friend. A Bridgerton-esque Feedback Friday romance for the ages. I think you can already tell how we feel about all this. Our take on this probably won't be a surprise.

1:10:14Except for the part where you said you might start watching Bridgerton. I did not see that coming. Watch me get way too into the show and start live texting you reactionally. She did not just besmirch Mr. Fillingsworth's honor in the drawing room. That is so eerily close to what the show is. And honestly, I would love that. And also, it would be a nice change of pace from our usual texts about North Korea documentaries and arms dealing. Yeah, well, maybe I'll watch it at four o 'clock in the morning while I get over crazy jet lag. Anyway, which I don't have because of FlyKit, by the way. I'm really happy and quite impressed that your question was not, hey, should I move to the UK or should I stay here with my controlling parents and do whatever they want for the rest of my life?

1:10:50I kind of thought that's where this letter was going at first, but you're already past that. You are going. You know there's a whole other life, a whole other experience of yourself and the world waiting for you in the UK. And I just want to say I really commend you for that. I think that also speaks to the confidence that I mentioned a moment ago. Your sense of self, courage, conviction, they are phenomenal. Another person in your shoes, she might have backed down, gone with the program, dismissed or overlooked a lot of people, like your roommate, like this guy, and that would be really tragic.

1:11:21Now, I realize that I'm coming at all this with the American values, so that's my bias. I'm sure your parents, if they heard this episode, they'd be horrified and angry and leave us 18 one-star reviews saying that we've disrespected their culture and we're corrupting their youth or whatever. But from where I'm sitting, your goals, your values, your mindset. They're leading you toward greater freedom and authenticity and happiness and away from parents who, despite their somewhat good intentions, do not seem to have your joy at heart at all. They seem to have their joy at heart. It's not even really true joy.

1:11:54It's just their need for status, the opinion of other people in the community, their desire for control over you. It's not really about your fulfillment at all. And yeah, we can forgive them to some degree, I guess. They don't know better. But that doesn't mean that what they say and do is not hurtful and holding you back. So all that to say, I'm super pumped and proud to hear that you're going no matter what. So do you tell your parents about your boyfriend before you leave or after? Do you come clean about the timeline? Do you keep that a secret? Honestly, I don't know if there's a right answer there.

1:12:26At some point, you're gonna have to tell them, obviously. If things progress, you move in together. If you ever get engaged, they're probably gonna have to know, unless you plan to just cut them off or you don't care to have too much of a relationship with them, which I don't, it doesn't sound like that's necessary at this stage. So part of me is going, why not just get this out of the way? You're already gonna upset them by moving to another country. Might as well get all the bad news out at once. Why drop two bums when you can drop one big one? Also, for your sake, I'm excited about the possibility of you being honest with your parents.

1:12:53It's gonna be a really scary conversation, no doubt about it, but it might also feel really good. It might be a huge relief and very enlivening for you. And of course, I'm of two minds. But Gabe, I assume you are also of two minds. Yes, but I see your point. She's been cramping around her parents for so long and hiding parts of her life, parts of herself that are so important. That's exhausting and it's depressing. And I think, yes, it will be really powerful for her to one day say, I know this is not what you want to hear. And I'm sorry that this hurts, but this is who I am. This is what I want.

1:13:26Yeah, no joke. This is almost it's almost like coming out of the closet, except she's coming out of the values and goals closet. And it's a really big deal. On the other hand, you're already doing a huge thing by moving to the UK. And I'm sure that that conversation alone is going to cause a thermonuclear meltdown with your family. So if you're looking at all that and you're going, maybe I'm going to hold off on telling them about this guy until I'm gone, you know, one bombshell at a time. I get that. I think that's totally fair. Also, it's easy for us to sit back and say, you know, just do it all at once.

1:13:55Get it out of the way. You have to listen to your instincts here. You got to do what feels safest and most manageable to you. maybe it's more important for you to break the news that you're moving first. And then when the dust settles, you can tell them, hey, so I met this guy, I actually met him back home, and then I moved here to be with him. Just know that that might make your parents even angrier. Maybe they'll feel that you lied to them, and maybe they'll feel even more betrayed than if you just tell them before you move. Although how much of an issue is that really going to be at that point?

1:14:23The worst thing has already happened. Right. Yeah, that's true. So maybe that's not much of a risk. She could also move and then tell her parents she met him once she got there. She could, but then she would be creating another lie, and then they're going to have to keep up that lie. That's my thing, which that's going to be stressful all over again. They're going to have to constantly remember the lie, manage the dates, pretend they haven't been together for a half decade already, tell the family, like, my parents don't know we met on Bumble and that I've met you already. We have to act like, you know, that's just too much stress.

1:14:48Multiple lies. Yeah, that's kind of like why I was like, oh, just rip off the band-aid. But, yeah, I don't know. Part of the upside of this conversation with her parents is finally coming clean and, you know, like the kids say, stepping into her truth. That's what's so powerful. And that means dropping the lies and the inauthenticity. So I do worry that lying about the timeline will kind of deprive her of that gift. I agree. But again, I really get why she might have to delay that part of the conversation. If they're going to frickin come after her with a knife or have nervous breakdowns. Right.

1:15:18I'm thinking about that comment you made about your parents killing themselves or killing you, which I you said, like, joking, maybe, but not really. it might be prudent to prioritize the I'm moving to the UK part of the conversation, punt on the I'm marrying a white atheist soldier with tattoos conversation and just get yourself out of there safely. Thinking about it, if these parents really are this controlling, I'm actually quite worried that they could do something to make it impossible for her to leave. Like maybe they steal her passport or something. I don't want that to happen. Make sure you've got all the travel documents you need securely at your place and not just like in a drawer because your parents, they might go there and be like ransack the place while your roommate's there and take your stuff.

1:15:58So that's another good reason to hold off on telling them about your dude, in my opinion. And I'm actually now leaning towards that because none of this means anything if you can't move to the UK safely and arrive in one piece. But I'm with Gabe at some point, hopefully soon, I would just come clean about all of it because that day has come in one way or another. And it's not just a practical concern. I think it's going to be a huge milestone for you personally. Again, really sorry that you had these parents. These are tough parents. I know they mean well. I do believe they love you in their own way, but you said it best.

1:16:30What they want for you is not what you want for you. And if that's the case, then you have an obligation to honor and pursue the life that lights you up. And apparently that means living in, I don't know, Salisbury with a British soldier with a big heart and a full sleeve of John Wick style tats and a family that loves and accepts you. I think that's really sweet. The journey might be hard at first and your parents might be an ongoing challenge for you, but I think this is great because, hey, this is your journey. Sending you and your Bridgerton dream guy a big hug and wishing you all the best.

1:16:58Hope y 'all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Don't forget to check out the episode with Mustafa Suleiman, CEO of Microsoft AI. Again, even if you're sort of over the whole AI thing, lots of good knowledge and takeaways in this one. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, which is the circle of people that I know, like, and trust. And I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. It's 100 % free. It is not gross. It's not schmoozy.

1:17:24You can find it on the Thinkific platform at sixminutenetworking.com. These drills take just a few minutes a day. This is the stuff I wish I knew 20 years ago. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build relationships before you need them. You can find it all at sixminutenetworking.com. Also, there's a subreddit for the show. I don't control it. There's some conversation there. You can go and find it. If you don't know what a subreddit is, forget what I just said. But if you do, then it's over there at Jordan Harbinger. That's the name of the sub. If you haven't signed up yet, our newsletter, We Bit Wiser, it's a little bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week.

1:17:58If you want to keep up with the wisdom of our 900-plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news, right there on the website. Show notes and transcripts on the website as well. Advertisers, deals, ways to support the show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm on Twitter and Instagram at Jordan Harbinger. I'm also on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. We're on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

1:18:30Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Fraga's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

1:18:56In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with Yas Al-Azadeh, who escaped Iran after the Islamic revolution. This uprising is about 43 years of oppression. We have a corrupt regime, which is an Islamist regime, and has been torturing people. It has been denying them the basics of human rights. As you see, corruption doesn't really begin and end with hijab. It's everything and anything. It's about the dignity of making a living. None of that exists in Iraq. People are poor because of this regime.

1:19:40They work hard, but they don't earn as much. It's horrendous the way people have been suffering in Iran, mentally, politically, psychologically, and emotionally. I don't think an American can actually imagine what it is like to live in a country that is not just a dictatorship, not just an autocracy, but a theocracy. That's what Iran is. This is different this time. the power of social media, the power of support by the worldwide community, and how Iranians are not backing down. There is uprising and protests in universities across Iran every day. This is a revolution, and it will end beautifully with a free Iran, free from the grips of Ayatollahs and IRGC.

1:20:28For more on Iran and the recent protests, check out episode 746 of The Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by the Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a great new podcast can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Let me save you some hassle. Check out Something You Should Know with my friend Mike Carruthers. Every episode is packed with fascinating insights that you can actually use. Mike interviews top experts on topics that shape your life, like how to optimize your brain chemistry, the best and worst ways to apologize, probably could have used that recently, why couples hate to talk about money.

1:20:57No matter the topic, Mike asks the questions you'd want to ask, getting straight to the good stuff, and the conversations are always engaging, always insightful, guaranteed to leave you a little smarter than before. They've got thousands of five-star reviews, but do you even need that? I'm recommending it. You don't need other people's opinion, right? At this point, I would hope. Anyway, give it a listen. Just search for Something You Should Know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening to Something You Should Know.