642: Jim Murphy - Inner Excellence, AJ Brown, Presence, Managing Fear, Daily Goals, & Understanding Our Greatest Needs

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0:45Welcome to the Learning Leader Show presented by Insight Global. I am your host, Ryan Hawk. Thank you so much for being here. Go to learningleader.com for show notes of this and all podcast episodes. Go to learningleader.com. Now on to tonight's featured leader. Jim Murphy is a mental performance coach for some of the most accomplished professional athletes in the world. Formerly a professional baseball player himself, he now focuses on helping others. You may have heard of him if you were watching the Philadelphia Eagles playoff run last season and star wide receiver A.J. Brown was reading Jim's book, Inner Excellence, on the sideline in between offensive series.

1:36So cool. During our conversation, we discussed the four goals you should set to have an excellent day, how to better manage fear, how to be less judgmental, and how to manage your ego. And Jim also shares how he would help Rory McIlroy. Really interesting story. Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy my conversation with Jim Murphy.

2:07So I read this stat and it was fascinating to me. The first 11 days of 2025, your book, Inner Excellence, sold about 25 copies. so about you know maybe two a day or a little bit less than that then january 12th hit what happened on january 12th and what happened after that yeah so uh football player read the book on national tv aj brown i saw a picture of him reading the book in uniform sometime in december but i that's the last i i didn't know any context and so that's really the last i thought about it I just thought, wow, that's really cool. And then I'm actually in downtown Dallas in a hotel room watching a different football game, the bowl game between Penn State and Notre Dame.

2:55And then I look at my phone and I see a bunch of texts. And then someone says, hey, you got to check out the Packers Eagles wildcard game. And then that's when I saw it, you know, along with everyone else, what was going on. And then what happened in the following days after that? well right away it was just like an onslaught of of messages emails like that i could there's no way i could keep up with it was the first tv station that contacted me was good morning nfl and he said can you get a book to me tonight this was sunday night we need it by 2 45 a.m because we're going to run with it the first thing in the morning so that was a fun adventure we actually didn't get him the right book a friend of mine had had the first copy the original copy but But yeah, the next day, it was just nonstop.

3:39I missed so many interviews. I couldn't keep up with it. And yeah, it was really intense. I had also read that AJ Brown and you had no relationship prior to that moment. He just liked your book and just liked to read it. But then you have since talked. What was it about inner excellence that resonated so much with him? And how has it been since seeing that moment for you and his relationship? Yeah. So for him, he plays a very dangerous, violent sport. Our wide receiver going over the middle in the NFL can be very scary. And so to be one of the best, if not the best, like he is in the NFL, you have to have a sort of a fearlessness.

4:18And you can't let your mind dwell on what just happened if it wasn't good. And you can't think about the future. And that's really what fear is. It's a concern about future and self. And so inter-excellence is really about having a clear mind and unburdened heart and teaching you how to do that. And so, you know, I think that really resonated with him and that's why he was bringing it to every game to help him get centered and after every drive to get re-centered and focus on how we wanted to feel and who we wanted to become and what was most important. You brought up fear and I want to go a little bit deeper on that.

4:50We all have that in our lives. We all have different ways of dealing with it. Could you go a bit further on maybe how you handle fear or even an example at a time of, oh, this thing was really scary. I'm thinking of my daughter wants to skydive as her senior present for her senior year next year. And I'm like, I don't want to do that. I'm scared. But I kind of want to bond with her in that way because she really wants to do it. So I was really scared. So maybe that's a bad example, but it's the first thing that popped mind when I heard thought of being like really fearful of something. So tell me more about fear and how you manage it, how we all can better manage it.

5:33Yeah. So it's a great question. So one of the first things I do with clients is help them understand how fear works, how the mind works, and especially the subconscious that's running our life and our lives and what your heart deeply wants. And so the heart, which I define as your will, your spirit, your soul, the deepest part of you, where your greatest fears are and your greatest dreams are, that's the part that needs the most training. And inter-excellence is really about pursuing a life that matters, a life of meaning and fulfillment and deep enriching relationships where you're learning and growing.

6:06And especially, like you said, facing your fears. And fears is in general, it's a very self-centered thing. And the biggest challenge that we have in performance and in life is getting in our own way. Our own thoughts are really hurting us. And I call that self-centeredness, this constant thinking about self, walking in this self-protection, self-concern, because when we're at our very best, then there's no self-protection or self-concern. There's no thoughts about self whatsoever. And so when you're completely selfless, then you're fearless. It's the what's going to happen to me, that's what creates the fear.

6:41And so, you know, for people that may be having a hard time right now, there's Inter Excellence has one overarching goal. It's to learn and grow about how to live with absolute fullness of life, to be fully alive. And we have four daily goals. And the first one is to give the best of what you have today. And if life is hard right now, understand that it may not be much at all. Give the best. We're not asking you to give anything more than you've got. And it may be very, very minimal, but that's okay. We're going to start somewhere. That's the important thing. and just make sure we're heading in the right direction and understand that there is hope.

7:14And so the first step is to give the best of what you got. It may be only 20 % or 10 % of your best, and we're just going to give 100 % of that. And then number two is to be present because there's no fear when you're present. Fear is a future thing. And then three is to be grateful because gratitude and anxiety do not go together. Really, you're either grateful or anxious, one of the two. and then the fourth one is to focus on your routines and only what you can control and so if you think about this skydiving thing it's you know if you're fully present the whole time then it's going to be a really exhilarating thing it's when your mind goes to the future that's when you're gonna that's when you have problems but then you just use some tools to bring yourself back to the moment so fear is usually about the future you're like anxious or scared of something that might happen, right?

8:08You might, your parachute might not open, right? You might die. It sounds great. Yes, be present. Live in the moment. Live in the moment. It's better there. Like everything's better. There's no sense in worrying about something that hasn't happened and probably will not happen. I know that. I can feel that. You mentioned tools there. What are some tools to get better at living in the present? Well, first of all, that whole thing I just shared with you about learning and growing is number one. because our greatest need is to be loved and accepted. The human heart is five deep needs. To feel like you're, to have a sense of worth, that you have some value is the first one.

8:46And second one is love and acceptance. And then, which is the number one, actually the most important one. And then there's integrity to be complete, to be fully integrated, and then to have a purpose beyond yourself and then to grow. So these are the five deep needs of the heart, at least according to inner excellence. and when you're pursuing these things then you can really have a sense of fearlessness more often and most everybody has had some fearlessness in their lives at some points and I mean it might be just playing scrabble or doing a jigsaw puzzle where there's no fear or watching a movie when you're fully in the moment and so really understanding what is it like to be fully present and practicing that every day and it doesn't have to be a real set thing it's just like I'm going to work on being present today and when I think of being present at the highest level I think of the sense anything is possible and a connection to beauty.

9:36It's far more than just thinking about not thinking about the past and future and thinking about, you know, what you can see in front of you. It's far more than that. How about you specifically? What do you do? You're still a human. You're still flawed like all of us, right? You have to work on this stuff, even though you write about it and you help others be really good at it. But what do you do to stay fully present in the moment? Yeah. And let me share with you something that I think is really important and especially in this this uh i'm in our our culture there's a lot of fear anxiety and tension violence so much out of control and so anxiety is such a massive thing and anxiety is a mind with too many thoughts from too many concerns and one of the very important elements of inner excellence is you know in order to learn and grow we need to to uh face our fears and learn to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

10:28If you want to build anything great, a life, a business, a home, whatever it is, you're going to have to be willing to face uncomfortable feelings and to be willing to fail and be willing to look foolish. Because if you're not, for example, willing to fail or look foolish, then your options are very, very limited. Then you have to only focus on a very small amount of things that you can do that you know are not going to go sideways. And so, but if you want to build anything great, there has to be an element of risk where things that you can't control are involved. And so there's a series of questions that I ask myself when I'm uncomfortable.

11:04Am I willing to face my fears? Am I willing to face any feeling whatsoever? The feeling that I hate most, am I willing to have that one today? And am I willing to sit with the feelings that I dislike, even if they don't go away. These are really powerful, important questions to ask when we're afraid or when we have these, whether it's anxiety or sense of being out of control or panic. Is there a time recently that you were really scared and you use these tools to get through it better? Yeah, yeah. I can think of since January 12th, you know, there's times, you know, being on national TV on the Today Show or things when I was nervous.

11:47And so asking myself these exact questions, are you willing to look foolish? Are you willing to have a feeling? You know, are you willing to face your fears? And then also for me, who are you trusting? Like, why am I doing this? What's my purpose? Is that so Jim Murphy can look good? Because if it is, then it's a very scary thing. Because if it's about me, then I got to try and control a lot of things that I cannot control. But if it's to live my purpose, which I believe it is, then it's, it becomes so much more than about me and not something that I need to control. Like the Today Show was exciting.

12:25And really, I just said, you know, God, it's up to you. Like, if this goes great, that's, you know, obviously, that's what I would like. But if I say the wrong thing or forget, you know, my mind goes blank. And, you know, I was battling a jet lag and and um just interviews and lack of sleep and just intense barrage for months and then the today show and so um a number of things could have could have gone wrong and and in fact they asked a couple questions that i that were not on the script and so that could have um had me you know kind of go blank but you know god took care of it so it was great i you know what's what is conjuring up these feelings and ideas for me is you're a professional athlete i played sports my My sport was football, played in high school, college, a little bit after college.

13:11And when I was at my best, I was almost like unconscious. I just let it rip. I played quarterback. And so you've got to take shots. You've got to take chances in order to accomplish big things. There's almost never perfect windows or your guys wide open, you know, all that. And when I was at my best, though, I almost wasn't even thinking. I was just responding to the moment and relying on instinct and letting it rip. That's what my good quarterback coach would always say is you got to let it fly, man. Let it rip. And I feel like there's some inner excellence in that coaching. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this idea of almost performing.

13:50I do it now like in keynote speaking where I'm at my best on stage when I just let it rip and just go for it without this fear of me looking stupid or trying to joke or going big for the open. anything like that where you're like, let me just do the 70 % version because it's less risky. That version, by the way, Jim, as you know, is never good. Never. It's either 100 and you're going to flop or 100 and it's awesome. And I think that relates a lot to the stuff you write about in Inter Excellence. I just wanted to get your take on that. So you're saying when you're at your best in football, there was no concern for self.

14:27There was no self-consciousness, right? You were saying that there was this absence of thoughts about self. Is that right? You're almost not even thinking at all. I mean, you're just playing. You're just in the moment, again, present. And your instincts take over your practice, right? We rep this stuff to death, just like A.J. Brown and all those guys do. And you just react. You just go without even thinking about it. That's right. So you mentioned playing. That's a very powerful word. So inter-excellence really revolves around three key areas. that you can think of as bff best friends forever belief freedom and focus so belief is a subconscious comfort level with what you feel is possible in your life and everyone has beliefs in every area of their lives their lives and they all come with limitations and so inner excellence is really about understanding how to expand what you believe is possible in your life and then freedom is probably the number one thing that people ask for the most when i ask when we dig deep into what they want most in their life.

15:29That's the number one most common answer. And it's also the number one thing that's lacking the most in athletes and anyone trying to accomplish anything is lack of freedom, lack of ability to play like a kid and focus to be fully present in the moment. Inter-excellence is really an in-depth system. And how do you become fully present in the moment and be able to play like a kid and have that sort of joy and believe that anything is possible? Okay, that one's big. I think freedom is hard. As you get older, you, I mean, you're further away from being a kid, I guess, as I'm thinking out loud here with you, Jim.

16:09I have a team of coaches I work with now that are a part of my team, and we go out and do stuff together. And I think when we are at our best, we are joking, we're making fun of each other, we're acting like we did when we were kids. Even with our clients, we're acting like that with them. Now, we get serious about the work and helping people and making sure they're maximizing people and their leaders are getting better. That's a big deal to us. And we take that very seriously, but we don't take ourselves very seriously. It's constant joking, constant kind of screwing around at times because it's just more fun to live that way.

16:41I guess I'm curious about how you help people gain more freedom and feel more like they're, they're a kid again. Yeah. Well, what happens is people get way too caught up in things that they want and can't control. And it's because of our deep need for love and connection. And then we have a subconscious mind that's always trying to bring us closer to what our beliefs are. But we have this ego that, as I define it, is a part of our mind that's always threatened, always comparing and never satisfied. And so the ego is constantly saying, look, if you screw this up, you're going to get your worst nightmare, which is rejection.

17:21Nobody's going to love you. No one's going to follow you. Everyone's going to shun you. And it's hard with this ego to navigate. And in order to have freedom, we need to simplify our lives and focus it on an overarching purpose for your life. Because especially in today's culture, when there's so much coming at you, so many ideas, so much information, if you don't have a clear purpose for your life, then you're going to be constantly looking over your shoulder. What about this? What about that. Oh, I should try this. I should try that. And so, and that really is a path to anxiety. So I know you work with golfers.

17:57They're some of your earliest clients. And I saw that Scotty Scheffler's caddy blurbed some of your recent work. I was watching Rory McIlroy, who's kind of in a weird spot right now, if you follow golf. And I know you do, Jim, but if just people in general follow golf, he wins the grand slam and wins the masters. And it's spiraled a little bit afterwards. and they interviewed him after he made the cut in the U.S. Open. And he needed to birdie like the last two or three holes or something like that in order to hit the cut on the number. And Roy's usually like leading tournaments, not just barely trying to make cuts.

18:29And he said to the reporters, like in a real honest moment, you know, I didn't really care. Like, I didn't even know if I wanted to be here for the weekend. So I was like, I just kind of like whatever. And by doing that, and he goes, and when you do that, it's like freeze you up and you play easy. And I was like, Roy, do you understand what you're saying right now? Like he birdied the last few holes in order to hit the cut on the number. And he openly admitted because he didn't care because he wasn't sure if he wanted to be there for the weekend and actually make the cut. What do you what do you make of that?

18:57Extremely common that when you your expectations are high, then it's performance goes down. And when you have a carefree attitude, then performance can go up. the problem is people try not to care and that's very problematic for multiple reasons. One, how do you try not to care about something that you deeply care about? You're just kind of just confused and you're fooling yourself. And so inner excellence is really about training your heart to love what's most empowering. So Rory ran into the problem of human nature, which is, you know, Now that he's a Grand Slam winner, the expectations are very high because not many people have ever done that.

19:45And this is a big challenge. When you achieve something of great stature or significance, then expectations go way up. And this can create a lot of issues and has historically created a lot of issues for people. Because like I said, our greatest need is to be loved and accepted. and our greatest fear is failure and understanding that, you know, before Rory won the Masters, you know, he's the same guy, but now he's got this extra status. And so, oh, do I need to do something special? And the sense that I don't even want to be there is with inner excellence, it's really, look, why am I playing golf?

20:22I want to live an amazing life. I want to live a life of meaning with amazing experiences, deep enriching relationships where I'm learning and growing and making a difference in the world. That's why I'm golfing or coaching or parenting or anything. And so if you understand, okay, this is what I really want, then it really comes down to how do I grow as a person and share that with the world and use Ferrari golf to learn how to do that. But what happens, because this is not taught in schools, our culture is obsessed about the end result. And that's the only thing that matters. And the problem with that is, one, it's out of your full control, the end result.

20:58And two, you could get it and win, say, 23 Olympic gold medals and be suicidal. Like it may not even make you happy. And so understand that there's a life of extraordinary experiences waiting for you. You're created for relationship. You're created for this extraordinary life. but it's a life of sacrificing yourself to make a difference in the world, to become a certain type of person because the world needs hope and you are what the world needs, this person that learns to live sacrificially and selflessly so it can be fearless. Well, it feels to me too, the external awards or the championships or best-selling author titles, right, which you earn a decade after you publish your book, which is insane because most people, you either get it right at the beginning or never but it's almost like if you're too focused on the external that it could create huge problems for you it seems like it's what's happening in rory's life right now just to just to stay on that example versus i feel like again scotty scheffler who again i i don't know if you work directly with him but i saw his his caddy who's also seems to be like one of the best in the world who follows your word he's amazing scotty seems when i listen to him speak and he's won a ton is more than anybody in the last however many years so grounded so grateful oh my goodness how much he talks about his life with his wife and kids and just going to chipotle i mean but he's also crushing everybody he's very competitive and he definitely wants to win but then just seems like he doesn't have the weight on his shoulders he's able to freely swing the golf club and freely play of the game, win a ton, but then stay grounded.

22:48And that to me is that's what you want, right? You want to be able to go out there and perform at really, really high levels in whatever your craft is, but then also be able to stay grounded and fully present in the moment. You know, it reminds me of the story I wrote in the book that came out in November called The Best Possible Life, How to Live with Deep Contentment, Joy, and Confidence No Matter What. It was written for the seventh grade level reading, kind of a summary of inner excellence, but a focus on the spirit in your heart. And in there, I asked this question. It's a similar question asked in the book, Inter-Excellence.

23:20Would you rather own a$10 million house on the water, fully paid off? Or would you rather live in an apartment with no savings ever for the rest of your life, paycheck to paycheck for the rest of your life, but be guaranteed a life of amazing experiences and deep enriching relationships where you're learning and growing and filled with peace and joy every day the rest of your life which would you rather have and i know for me the vast majority of my life i for sure would have picked a house because i'd never had much anxiety and like free multi-million dollar house on the water of course versus living in an apartment and have good feelings like that's a no-brainer that's what i would have chosen most of my life really really would you really have chosen that oh yeah for sure and i think every teenager would too and like probably 95 teenager but like and you know most adults you think so yeah i feel like as you grow you realize the priceless elements of loving relationships and cool, enriching experiences.

24:36Don't forget about the living paycheck to paycheck in an apartment with no savings. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to, cause we don't, you think most of your friends would choose that? No, that part of it's tough, I guess. And it's easy for me to say, since that's not how we live, but yeah, I don't know. I just feel like maybe with maturity, It's just like, for example, Jim, I would say gift giving, right? Giving and receiving gifts, whether it's within my family, my wife and children, we've just shifted not a hundred percent, but close to that, that they're experiential gifts, right? We got enough stuff.

25:15We got all the stuff we need, right? Very fortunate. I know I'm grateful and super lucky. Let's think of the coolest experiences in the world and then go, where are we going to hike? Like, are we going to Zion national park? Are we going to the Taylor Swift concert? Are we like, what are we doing? That to me, or, or just for a walk in the park, doesn't cost any money. You know, like that's an amazing family experience to, I don't know. And I think I, it's easy for me to say this now, maybe because I'm older, I've had some, some years to get a lot better at this. But to me, I feel like it's, this podcast has actually probably helped the relationships and experiences beat everything.

25:56the only challenge is that you wouldn't be able to do that anymore those experiences what do you mean you could go with no savings you can go to the park but you're not you're not going on vacation you're right you're right i love that we're going back and forth on this i don't know so i i interrupted your story so i'm gonna let you finish but i feel like that's where you're going to though right like you're focusing more on relationships and experiences. Yeah. I think that, so the big thing is to understand that why would you, if say the listener would choose the house, like me for most of my life, what if no one could ever see the house?

26:33Would you still choose it? You know, I think that would make a big difference because for me, I picture myself having these get togethers, these barbecues and having so much fun and, and people loving, and I just feel so secure. Like I'm successful and I'm somebody, and I don't even have to say anything because it's my house and i can just relax i don't have to prove anything but if i'm inviting people over to a little apartment that's maybe rent controlled or whatever and i'm driving an old beater car am i gonna and then it's it's a weird dynamic right it's interesting but the point is what inter-excellence says is i help people go for what they want most we go directly for it a life of amazing experiences deep enriching relationships where they're learning and growing and making a difference in the world.

27:20And the cool byproduct is that's the best way to develop world champions. My friend, Brooke Cups, his purpose in life is to help people strive for excellence over success. And he would define success as a comparison with others and living by what society says you should do. The Instagram world excellence is within yourself, your core values, your purpose, the critical behaviors that make those core values correct and true and be solely focused on that, like maximizing your own potential. And so I'm curious how you would, that dichotomy of excellence versus success, I know that's our definition, not yours, but like there are some similarities here of this intrinsic, internal to you, your own definition of a good life of success on your terms, not what society or social media would say is quote success you know i think right away i think of being living a selfless and therefore fearless life one more thing i want to think talk about with the uh regards to having this this quote successful life of status and multi-million dollar house versus uh having amazing experiences but not having anything that would look successful there's a i believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe it's what holds the the stars in place and spins the earth grows the grass and it's our deepest need and our and our greatest desire our greatest power perfectly fearless and there's joy comes from love and there's so much strength sorry so much love that comes from weakness that cannot be cannot come out of strength.

29:09And I think that's maybe similar to that idea of living in an apartment paycheck to paycheck is because when you have a lot of money, one of the things that it allows is you don't have to rely on others. It can create this isolation. And I think you see that a lot of with people that have a lot of resources is it becomes kind of an isolating life because it's easy to forget that we're created for relationship. And it's our number one need is to connect with others because love and acceptance is our greatest need. And then you can think about the greatest punishment in prison is to be separated from others.