644: Blaine Anderson - The #1 Dating Coach In The World Teaches You How To Genuinely Connect With People

26:31Yeah. How did your husband, I was going to say pick you up, but whatever the phrase is, how did your husband get you? Yeah, he approached me at the gym. Really? Yeah, we were at a workout class in San Francisco. And I was standing in the lobby after class. This is why I actually love fitness classes as a place to meet people because they're start and end times. People are coming and going at the same time. So it's much easier than the gym. You can't approach a woman while she's running on the treadmill or on the gym floor that tends to feel like you're out of touch. But a class, okay, there's ample time before and after to start up a conversation.

27:07So I was standing in the lobby. Have you been to a Barry's class? I haven't, but I know what they are. Yeah. So I was in Barry's, San Francisco, Marina location. If you go to Barry's, then you're like, oh, Marina location. Okay. Got it. And I was just standing there and he walked up to me and was like, hey, I've seen you here before and we haven't met. So I wanted to introduce myself. Really awkwardly, my response was, oh, do you work here? Now in hindsight, now we like laugh about it. He's like, I was mortified. I had like, you know, gotten the courage to walk up and say hello to you and like you asked if I worked there and I was like well in my defense like people who work there are in really good shape but he was at that point he's like okay I'm out he's like no I don't work here we just took class together apparently we've been taking the same class like multiple days a week for months but like I hadn't noticed him but he had noticed me and so at that point I was like oh nice to meet you we said you know exchanged names and he's like okay we'll buy and walked away and in his head he's like oh my god like that was like really awkward Like that's nothing, nothing's happening there.

28:11But because we had been met each other and I now saw him the next time we were in the same class together, a few days later, I recognized him and we said, hello. So then he had broken the ice. Now we know each other. So we would say hello and have brief conversations over a few meetings. And then from there, you know, we had good conversation. We discovered we actually had some mutual friends. We had things in common and he eventually asked me out. Like we talked like three or four times. What did he want to do it the first time, but was nervous or scared or like what was his approach? I'm actually a, so what I call a high stigma environment is someplace like the gym or a workout class where a woman is going to be less inclined to give you her phone number the first time you speak because she knows she's going to keep seeing you.

28:58Like, I don't want to go on a date with some guy if I don't know if there's a vibe or a connection yet, especially if I'm going to keep seeing him. so someplace that you know you're going to see this woman again you're actually better off building some connection and having a few conversations so she can be like oh we and for his sake we have things in common like we've had some good banter he's made me laugh that's going to increase your chances of hearing yes when you do ask her out so I think he actually played that one um I don't know like if the first day if I asked right after I asked if he worked there if he had then said like, can I take you on a date?

29:35It probably would have been like, uh, what? No, you know, like I know nothing about you. That's hard though. Especially if he'd been like, I mean, this sounds bad, like eyeing you for five or six classes and you had noticed them. He's probably like, let's go. I got a shot. Let's go. And then he, to his credit, he held off like patience one. Yeah. And that is really key. I think when you're getting to know a woman and asking her out and that's something guys get wrong all the time. And I think this would also apply to business is if you approach a woman or you approach a deal and you're just trying to get to the final step of asking for her phone number or closing the deal, you're going to rush through a lot of the important and essential steps in between of building trust, of creating that connection, of finding a reason to ask her out or a reason they need the thing you're selling.

30:20So it's important that you don't rush through that process because you're just focused on getting the phone number, which is what a lot of guys do. And then even when they get the phone number, if they didn't establish that connection and trust, is she going to go on the date with you? Maybe not. I remember earlier in my career, Blaine, my dad was a sales leader. I was a sales rep at the time. And I was like aggressively just trying to close everything, you know, like going after it. I'm talking about sales, not women. And so I'm like, you know, trying to bulldoze my way through these things. And eventually, sometimes you get lucky here and there, you know.

30:56And he would go, hey, hey, dude, dude. the close is the period at the end of a very long sentence. You've done no discovery. You have not connected. You haven't gotten to know them. You don't understand their problems like in sales, right? You got to create a gap between current state and desired state and the fact that your solution is what closes that gap. That takes effort and time and communication and questions and curiosity and listening. And if you don't do that, then you're trying to bulldoze your way. And yes, you'll get lucky every once in a while because somebody needs the thing, whatever.

31:27But if you want to get really, really, really good, you have to think of it as the close is just the period at the end of a very, very long sentence. You've got to do all that work leading up to that moment. Absolutely. And the same goes for approaching a woman. Yeah, exactly. Okay. The next point is humor and how important it is to be funny, but like actually funny, not have like terrible jokes. And so I know that is a way to just connect with people in general is humor. It's such a connector and certainly can get guys who are like not as good as looking or don't have other things going on for them.

32:08We see it all the time, right? Then you see their girlfriend or wife, you're like, what? And sometimes it's whether it's not money or whatever. The dude is super funny. So can you talk about humor and especially for like the average person, like most of us who are not stand-up comedians, they're not that good, but that we can use humor to connect with others. Yeah, absolutely. So I, listen, you don't have to be a comedian to be good at dating and to get attractive women, but it's certainly a really valuable asset. And the nice thing about develop is about being funny is that as a developable skill, you can develop a sense of humor.

32:47You can become funnier through your delivery and your confidence and learning jokes. And so you can't make yourself taller. You can't always change how attractive you are. There's certain things, obviously you can look your best, but there's a lot of that that's out of your control. Having a good sense of humor is in your control. So take a standup comedy class, take an improv class, watch comedy, practice your delivery and developing that can absolutely help in your dating life because to your point before, it's one of those things that women really value because it makes them feel good. And just checking with yourself on how you make women feel is an underrated litmus test for how you're doing dating.

33:32How does it feel to spend time with you? Does it feel good? Are you making her laugh? Are you making her feel wanted? Are you making her feel special because you're interested in the things she's saying that is going to improve your outcomes dating in a large and meaningful way? I think one of the ways you can show respect and love for another person, and certainly with the most important relationship in your life, if you are married or if you're striving towards that, to me, my love language is curiosity. That's the way that I give and receive love in a big way. If you're genuinely curious about me, I love you.

34:12And I try to show that to other others as well, like be genuinely interested in them. And that's hard sometimes because there's some people I'm not genuinely interested in. I guess I just keep it moving. But for the most part, I think curiosity and genuine listening and follow up questions that take that conversation deeper, that maybe even takes a person to a place they haven't been before, haven't been in a long time, is how you can connect. By the way, this happens in business relationships too. But I feel like that is an ultimate sign of respect and love is to be genuinely curious about them.

34:47What do you think? I absolutely agree. And I think the key word there is genuine and it's underrated. I touched on this when we were talking about trajectory and showcasing or marketing your trajectory. Your underlying emotion is important. So if you're just asking questions because you heard here that you need to talk 70 % of the time, that's not going to work as well as becoming a genuinely curious person who is interested in meeting another human. And that's something people get wrong on dates is they're coming to the date sort of like they're going to the approach with the goal of getting the phone number or they're taking the sales call with the goal of closing the sale and they're skipping that in between.

35:28If you're going on a date, going through the motions of wanting to get the second date or wanting to impress her to get something, whether it's, you know, sleep together or just that second meetup, you're not going to do as well as if you can approach the date as this is another human being with a totally unique and interesting set of experiences that I want to hear about. And if you can come at things with that mindset, you're going to get better outcomes. I read that you said women want three things. They want some sort of status. They want to feel desired and they want to have fun. Can you go deeper on these three things?

36:07And maybe there's more, maybe you've added to that or you tweak that, but on what they actually want. Yeah. I think those three, those three things that you mentioned, social status, desire, and flirting and fun are really encapsulate what women are looking for. And obviously there's a ton of subcategories that make up those things. I have an entire, so my dating masterclass, which I referenced before is a five module course. And an entire module of that is dedicated to explaining what those things are, because it's not as simple as like, okay, you hear women want status. Okay. Be high status.

36:40Like what does that actually mean? Trajectory, for example, is one of the things that plays into that confidence is one of the things that plays into that, that is going to show a woman that you are high status. It's not about how much money is in your bank account. It's not about the car you drive. It's about the feeling and the vibe that you bring to every interaction. Um, and, and it kind of also goes back to what we were talking about before, where people want somebody who's in demand or people want things that are in demand being in demand indicates and elevates your status. Do people want to talk to you at a party?

37:16to people even like at a work, take the workout class example. If you're somebody who is social, you're talking to the front desk girl, you know, the coach that is going to elevate your status and everyone around you's eyes because people want to communicate with you. And so it's a lot of those subconscious things that are going to tell a woman whether or not you have status. The desire point is really important because that's what creates the romantic chemistry. A woman can think you're high status, but if she doesn't feel desired by you and there's not that romantic undertone in your interactions with her, she's not going to see you as a romantic partner.

37:53And then the flirting and fun becomes important because even if you're expressing your desire appropriately and even if she sees you as high status, if you're not fun to be around and it doesn't feel good to spend time with you, which I mentioned before, whether it's through humor or through being genuinely interested, it's she's not going to want to be in a relationship with you so all three of those things need to rise together and be present for there to be the possibility of her wanting to date you or to marry you or to go on a second date it's like a lot of just people in general we we want to be around optimist we want to be around people who believe in doing big things the same is true if you are a leader at a company.

38:36I remember Burt being CEO of Insight Global. He was like, hey, dude, let's talk through your 2025 plan, ambition, all this stuff. And I was laying out some goals that were kind of good, but I was probably going to hit all of them. And he's like, dude, where's get the Netflix show, need 5 million bucks from you to help support? Where's that stuff? We don't want to get behind people who are just going to set achievable goals and do that. We You want to follow the person that's going to go big. And I think the same thing is probably true with dating. Like it's exciting to partner up with somebody who wants to get after it, has big ambitions, even if they don't hit them, not blustery, fake confidence, like arrogant, not that.

39:16As someone who like has the zest for life, this optimism that they're going to go do big things. I think that's super attractive just in a person in general. I absolutely agree. But I also think for like, you know, the guy who might be listening, he's like, that's just not my goal. like I don't want a Netflix show. I don't need to close a multimillion dollar deal. It can actually come through in different ways. Maybe you really like cooking and your goal is to open a food truck one day, or you are, you have a rescue dog and you're really passionate about that. And you want to open a farm one day that provides housing for other dogs in need.

39:49There are, it doesn't have to be something that's like big and impressive to everybody. It just needs to be something that you are working towards that is providing fulfillment for you and you're excited about. It's having that excitement for life. Yes. I love that. I mean, having something that you can kind of pour your heart into. Yeah. Like this person gets excited. They got a zest for life. That's a quality of use. It can be about anything. My wife is the most optimistic person I know. And it's one of the most attractive of many good qualities. It's near or at the top of the list of like this zest for like, let's go, we're going to do this.

40:28It doesn't matter what the thing is. It's just the random Saturday at a soccer tournament, like let's go. That to me is just a super attractive quality and a human and a leader. If you're running a company or running a business and you want people to follow you, I think the kind of pessimist of like, Oh, I don't know the realist, like the complainer, nobody wants to be around that person. You get in line to follow the one who like has the juice, like has the belief that we can go do this thing. And life is more fun when you're excited, when you're excited about going to the soccer game and you make it something to be excited about, like how much more fun is life than when it's like, oh, we have to like go to another soccer game today and stand out in the heat.

41:07Like that's not a fun way to live your life. So why would you want to, you know, marry someone or be with someone who's bringing that energy as opposed to like the, oh, I can't wait for the dessert menu. I'm so excited to like, you know? Yeah. Like just get juiced up about the stuff that you're doing. If not, then don't do it. I think that's a, just a big way to live in general. It also, it relates to friendships for sure. We can all think of those friends in our lives who are like, like I got one of my buddies, we just went to a concert last week. He's not a fan of the band. I was, and he's like, you know what though?

41:40I'm a great concert friend. I don't care. He gets a party bus. We have a great time on the way down there. We get there dancing like Like, he didn't even like the music. Like, I loved him. I love him in our group of friends because they're like, let's go. Let's just have a good time. We're going to lift this place up as opposed to the one who's like, oh, I don't really like the band. So, like, I'll just kind of sit here in the corner. Like, no. If you're going to do it, you might as well go big. Okay. This Wall Street Journal article just came out. Like, it's funny that we booked this prior to this article coming out.

42:11And without going too deep into it. But basically, there's this one example. This woman, Katie, spent her first half of 2024 going on three to four dates a week. Men she met on apps, all this stuff, with the hopes of finding a husband before she turned 30. And she has this quote at the end of it because basically it didn't work out for her. And she said, the only thing you can put 10 ,000 hours into would end up right where you started. That's what she said about this. What are your thoughts on this? Is it an epidemic? Is it this problem where there's these professional women who educated, good jobs.

42:43they're not finding the people they want. And so for guys, it's like, we got to, we got to step it up. Right. At least based on this wall street journal article, what do you, what do you think about that? Well, I wouldn't say not finding who you are looking for in the dating market is isolated to successful women. I think that is something that men and women are facing right now. It's, you know, why I have a job and, um, it's actually why I'm doing my business from courses and coaching has also turned into doing matchmaking is because people are struggling to find those people on their own. I think part of the problem we are seeing today is actually a surplus of options.

43:25In a lot of cases, having more options of people to go on dates with and more options of potential partners actually isn't that helpful. And you have social media, you have Instagram, you have dating apps where you can just swipe through a hundred people. And it feels like there might always be somebody better. If you just swipe one more time, if you just go on one more date and it's leading to people not willing to commit and go deeper with any one person because they're fearful of missing out that the next better person is right around the corner. And I think that's, I mean, that's maybe a second, that's maybe a different point than that Wall Street Journal article was making, which was like women are excelling at a faster rate than like their peer, their men counterparts.

44:12I think that was maybe more of like the summary of the article, which may also be true, but I think technology is certainly adding to the struggles people are seeing dating nowadays. Well, what do you think about that, that more women are graduating college and most of them, at least from that article states, they don't want to date or marry someone who hasn't also graduated college, doesn't have ambition, doesn't have like high trajectory, which I get again, maybe harsh truth, but seems like it's real. What do you think about that? You know, that's, that's a good podcast in and of itself. I feel like kind of unpacking, you know, like the state of the current man.

44:51Yeah. You know, I think it is real that men are struggling. I've conducted some of my own survey style data on loneliness and it's an epidemic specifically among young single men and it's a problem and I think you know I could speculate why you know we aren't like having to use our bodies and our ourselves in the same way that we used to which men made men quote more valuable and now you know it's about mentally more what you bring to the table and emotionally can you relate to others So I think it's important that young men, you know, from an earlier age, like we're finding a way to nurture them so that they can grow into the man, the men that women want to date.

45:38because unfortunately it's we're coming into a time that women don't need men even to reproduce necessarily they can do that on their own so we need to make sure men are equipped to be the type of person and be the type of man that a woman actually wants to be with and then i mean there i think there's a whole nother side of it like women's expectations and what's actually going to make them happy is it a guy who's gone to college or is it a guy who you're excited to come home to at the end of the day, those dynamics are a whole other conversation. But there's definitely some big shifts happening right now.

46:15And it's going to be interesting to see how things develop in the next decade, I think. It's similar to leadership in that if you want people to follow you, you have to be the person worthy of others following. What are you actually doing to make people want to follow you? You can't just say, well, I'm the leader or I have the title. That's not how it works. Or I'm the man, so therefore you should fall in line. Exactly, exactly. What are you actually doing? What are you accomplishing? How are you making society better? How are you adding value to other people's lives? I think that's how I try to approach my business.

46:50I know that's how you do too, of what did I do today to make my clients' lives better? What did I do today to make the listeners of this podcast's lives better? And if I'm not earning it every single day, I don't deserve anybody to follow me. And I think that's just trying to take ownership. It's on me, right? To become that person, to continue to become that person, especially in my marriage as well. Not, it's not like you get married. Like, well, I guess we're good. It's like the opposite. Yeah. I'm trying to impress her every single day. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to improve. That's why we're having this conversation.

47:21I want to get better at all of these things because that makes you more worthy of someone else wanting to commit to you. And I don't, I just don't think that ever ends. No matter what your situation is, you've got to keep after. In fact, I think you got to keep getting better and better or it goes stale. It goes the other way. Absolutely. And taking accountability, which is basically the summary of what you just said, putting that on yourself to make your relationship with your wife better, putting that on yourself to provide value to your clients, not thinking like, oh, well, my wife didn't show up for me today or my client, he didn't do the work or whatever it may be.

47:57Or like, oh, she doesn't want a second date. Women are the problem. it's realizing that what you put out is going to be what you attract. Yes. Complete side conversation here. But I'm curious on your Twitter profile picture, you have your hands by the sides of your face, which I'm curious because you're I know you're very intentional and you can see two tattoos on your wrist. I'm curious what made you choose that picture for your Twitter profile picture? Yeah. So nothing to do with the tattoos, but it's sort of like when you're thinking about a YouTube thumbnail, I'm not sure how deep on thumbnails you are, but it's like the whites of your eyes, whether you're looking into the camera, makes the person who's looking at you feel a connection with you.

48:43Oftentimes the mouth being open feels more of like an expression. So that's why I picked that specific photo. Interesting. Okay. It does draw you in. And then what do the tattoos stand for? I know that sounds like that's not part of it. Yeah, no, this is an omega sign, which is actually my middle name. Um, middle name's Omega. Really? Yeah. I actually, I don't know if I've ever shared that before. So yeah, that's a cool middle name. It was my grandmother's first name. Wow. Okay. And then this is a cactus. I'm from Arizona. I got a cactus behind me. So a little nod to my roots. Very cool. I mean, one of the things Blaine, we didn't touch on is just how crazy impressive it is.

49:25The business that you've built. I watched your whole pitch on shark tank. We don't have enough time to get into all of it. maybe a part two, but the sharks were kind of like falling all over themselves. Like they wanted to do a deal, even though like there were parts of your numbers that you weren't a hundred percent clear on and Mark Cuban and you did a deal. I know eventually I read the thread, how you kind of undid the deal, but I'm fascinated about like you putting this whole business together and then going on shark tank. What was that experience like? Yeah. Shark tank was amazing. I'm so happy I did it.

49:57It was a great, you know, check it off the bucket list item. It definitely pushed what I'm comfortable with. It scared me, which I think it's important to do things that scare you. It was very anxiety inducing in the moment, but, um, super fun. Everyone involved from start to finish, including Mark Cuban was so nice, so gracious, so generous with their time. So definitely a bucket list item for me, even though it ultimately didn't work out. One more question before we go. Blaine, let's say you're speaking with someone who's maybe a bit earlier in their career. It doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl.

50:33And they want to leave a legacy, a positive dent in the world. What are some general pieces of life slash career advice you'd give to them? Yeah. So I think the, or excuse me, let me start again. One of the biggest pieces of advice that I think is important when you're starting to start, when you're starting a business or thinking about the legacy you want to leave is, are you building a business or giving the advice that somebody wants, or is it what you want? If you're building the business you want or building the course that you want to sell, that's not necessarily going to be as effective as building the business or building the course that people want.

51:14So it's really important to listen to your ideal client. Listen to the people you want to help and you want to serve to make sure you're delivering the thing that's actually going to help them. It's a great point. Like you have to have something that adds value to people's lives. And one way to learn that is to listen, right? Is to understand where they're at. Blaine, this is amazing. I really appreciate your time. There's a ton more for us to get to for the next one. So thank you so much for this. I would love to continue our dialogue. Yeah, definitely. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

51:48Appreciate it. Thank you. Bye.

51:54It is the end of the podcast club. Thank you for being a member of the end of the podcast club. If you are, send me a note, ryan at learningleader.com. Let me know what you learned from this great conversation with Blaine Anderson. A few takeaways from my notes. I love that story about Charlie Munger when someone asked him, how do I get a great wife? And Charlie said, you got to deserve one. The best way to find a good spouse is to deserve one. In business, this translates to working hard and behaving with integrity consistently over time. to get what you want. You have to deserve what you want.

52:29So good. Then when you go out to eat with someone, what percentage of the time are you talking? When you look down at your food and theirs, how much have you eaten versus how much have they? That is an indicator. Aim to talk 30 % of the time and listen 70 % of the time. The reason we don't get the second date or the follow-up meeting with the prospect if we work in sales is because we are talking too much. We need to listen more, ask better follow-up questions, get deeper in the conversation by learning about them. Be curious. And then how to build genuine confidence. Get good at something. Become an expert.

53:11Work really, really hard. Get in great physical shape. It's hard to be confident if you don't like how you look. Sounds harsh, but it's true. Confidence comes from evidence. Create some evidence for yourself by consistently working hard and getting great at something. That confidence will ooze out of you wherever you go. It's so portable. Once again, I want to say thank you so much for continuing to spread the message and telling a friend or two, hey, you should listen to this episode of The Learning Leader Show with Blaine Anderson. I think she'll help you become a more effective leader because you continue to do that.

53:44And you also go to Spotify and Apple Podcasts and you subscribe to the show, really important. You rate it five stars, hopefully. And you write a thoughtful review. By doing all of that, you are continually giving me the opportunity to do what I love on a daily basis. And for that, I will forever be grateful. Thank you so, so much. Talk to you soon. Can't wait.