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The Marie Forleo Podcast: Episode 376 - Is Your Life Falling Apart!? Tips for Coping with Loss
Episode Overview In this episode, Marie Forleo engages in a heartfelt conversation with Kris Carr, a New York Times bestselling author and cancer survivor. They discuss coping mechanisms for dealing with loss, grief, and unexpected life changes. This episode provides science-backed strategies to navigate intense emotions like grief, rage, fear, and shame.
Key Topics Covered
- Living with Incurable Illness (2:55)
- Kris shares her experience with stage 4 cancer and how it reshaped her life.
- Avoiding the Word 'Why' (5:14)
- The detrimental impact of fixating on “why” during crises. Instead, focus on constructive questions.
- The Grief Train (7:52)
- Concept of the "Grief Train" that brings old grief and emotions to the forefront during tough times.
- Fear vs. Anxiety (11:11)
- Differentiating between fear (immediate response) and anxiety (ongoing worry about the future).
- Soothing Your Nervous System (14:58)
- Practical techniques to calm the mind and body.
- Acceptance and Surrender (21:39)
- Kris discusses the significance of acceptance in the face of suffering and the liberating nature of surrender.
- Navigating Anger, Fear, and Resentment (38:35)
- Strategies for dealing with complicated emotions during difficult times.
- Comforting Others in Pain (48:32)
- What to say and do when someone else is grieving.
- Conversations with a Psychic Medium (53:55)
- Insights into signs and synchronicities after losing a loved one.
- Kris's Regret (57:20)
- Personal reflections on what she learned from her relationship with her father.
- Moving On vs. Moving Forward (59:29)
- The difference between merely continuing life and genuinely moving forward after loss.
Essential Takeaways
- Ruptures are Universal: Everyone experiences significant life changes, and acknowledging this can foster connection and empathy.
- Better Questions: Instead of asking "Why is this happening to me?", shift to "What can I do now to support myself?"
- Emotions are Messy: Grief, anger, and anxiety are normal reactions to loss. Allowing oneself to feel these emotions is crucial to healing.
- People Aren't Projects: In times of crisis, it’s important to support loved ones without trying to fix them; focus on being present and compassionate.
- Both/And Thinking: It’s possible to feel joy and sorrow simultaneously. Embracing this complexity can enrich life experiences.
Discussion Highlights
- Kris's Experience with Cancer: After being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, Kris learned that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means choosing to live fully despite her challenges.
- The Grief Train Metaphor: Grief often revisits us unexpectedly, bringing with it past pains that need acknowledgment and processing.
- Coping Strategies: Techniques like breathing exercises, physical activity, and humor can help manage anxiety and fear during crises.
- Navigating Conversations About Loss: It's important to acknowledge grief without minimizing it or offering platitudes that may seem dismissive.
Final Thoughts In this poignant episode, Marie and Kris provide listeners with validation and tools for dealing with loss, emphasizing that it's okay to feel a spectrum of emotions during tough times. They encourage embracing life fully and finding ways to connect with oneself and others amidst the chaos of grief and change.
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> Resources Mentioned: > - Kris Carr's book, *I'm Not a Mourning Person* > - Time Genius training program by Marie Forleo > - Links to social media for further engagement
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Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:02I was given 10 years to live and that was 20 years ago. I'm a monster. Like you want me on the cleanup crew when the shit hits the fan. You have to live your life now because sometimes the golden years are for shit. And the guy was like, can I say what he said? Of course. Did you forget where you are?
0:24If you're battling an illness, the loss of a relationship, your career, the death of a loved one, any big life change that has rocked you to your core, the perspectives and tools that Chris is going to share in this episode and her new book, I'm Not a Morning Person, are truly priceless. Chris Carr is a multiple New York Times bestselling author. She's also a wellness leader who's been thriving with stage four cancer for more than 20 years. She's helped millions of people. She's been called a force in nature by O Magazine and a new role model by the New York Times. Chris. Dude, I'm not a morning person.
1:04I did it. You did it. You mother effing did it. The book is so, so, so good. I laughed. I cried. I was, of course, texting you all the time. You say loss is the one thing that we all have in common, and it's very true. And one of the big themes, especially in the top of the book, is talking about this idea of ruptures. I love that word. What do you mean by a rupture? Yeah. So for me, ruptures come in all shapes and sizes and none of us are immune to them. It's the moment when something happens where everything changes, your life changes. You may not think that you're going to survive it. It's so big.
1:43And if you do survive it, life will never be the same again. And unfortunately, it's the nature of life because there's this thing called mortality. So we're all going in one direction. But of course, throughout the course of our lives, we experience so many different types of losses. And that's really what I'm talking about in this book because it's a topic that so few of us have the tools to navigate, so few of us talk about. But whether it's the divorce or losing your job or a health diagnosis like what I've been through, losing a loved one, the miscarriage, losing your identity and former sense of self, we're all going to go through ruptures.
2:23And so I love one of the things that Dr. Gabor Mate says, and he talks, he's a trauma expert and he talks about trauma isn't something that happens to you. It's something that happens inside of you, right? So when the rupture happens, something happens inside of us. And what I've come to understand is that those ruptures rearrange us, right? They bring our priorities and our values and even some of our desires into sharp relief. But they can also really take us out. And so a lot of what I talk about in this book is when the rug gets pulled out from under you, here are some things that can help you.
3:04And for people that don't know, you had a pretty big rupture earlier on. This is before you and I became friends. Yeah. Yeah. So I was diagnosed with stage four cancer on Valentine's Day in 2003. So I live with an incurable stage four cancer. I have 24 tumors and many are in my liver and both of my lungs. I was given 10 years to live and that was 20 years ago. And that moment really changed everything. And there's been amazing things that have happened in my life as a result of not my diagnosis, but how it impacted me, how it woke me up, some of the choices that I made, the decisions that I made to learn how to take care of myself and to share what I had been learning and what I still learn.
3:49But it was also, you know, when I started writing this book or thinking about writing this book, I had been through, like, the global pandemic was in full swing. My business was faltering. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he was terminal. And I was coming up against my 20 year anniversary of being diagnosed and living with cancer. And I thought I was going to write a book that was like, you go, girl, you can do it. I remember when we talked about that, I was like, you got this. Yes. I felt like I needed a nap and some Bengay and like a lot of gin. You know what I mean? I I was like, I can't write this book.
4:31Because what was happening was I was really suffering. And so I thought, okay, well, I think what I'm going to do instead is stop and really understand what's happening inside me and then write about that experience. And so that's – the rupture in my life was that time. And what I did was write about it. And I remember even thinking about the – when we talked about you writing this book, I was like, oh, can I do this? because in the world that we're in, which is personal development, self-development, growth, it is. There's a lot of rah-rah and happy this and whatever that. I remember you thinking through, can I do this?
5:10Is anyone going to want to read this book? And how do I position this? And I'm so happy that you trusted your instincts and that you trusted your heart because I know it wasn't easy. And we'll talk about that a little bit later. I think you have such a great tip that going back to rupture for a moment, because we all do experience those times and we will keep experiencing those times. Like it's not like it happens once in your life. It's like, no, strap yourself in because it's going to happen many times. And you were talking about that we need to ask better questions, right? Because when you're in that spiral, and I've certainly been there, Chris and I have this wonderful little emoji language that we have together.
5:53God, When was our friend anniversary? Did that just pass this year? It just passed. Was it like 11 years, 10 years? I think we might even be at 12. Oh, shit. Okay. So anyway, we have this language that we have in our texts where if one of us sends an ambulance as the emoji, the you know what has hit the fan. I don't care what you're doing. You could be talking to Oprah. You're going to have to excuse yourself. And just say, I got to go and pick up the phone. And so when those moments happen, though, all of us can get into a spiral. Your recommendation is great. What do we do? So one of the things that I've come to practice in my own life is this question of why.
6:31Like, why did this happen? Why me? Why now? Why do I deserve this? Why didn't I show up more? Why wasn't I more present? Why didn't I visit on Sundays more? We start to beat ourselves up. And answering that question, why? Like, why was I diagnosed? Sometimes you'll find out and sometimes you won't. Sometimes there will be a nugget that can be helpful. Why did the car break down? Because you didn't put gas in the tank. That's helpful. Next time you're going to put gas in the tank. But I think we humans begin to ruminate and we start to stay in the unchangeable past. And so when we are in that place, we literally melt down.
7:09We're not making good decisions. We're just stuck in our suffering. And so I say, if you find yourself in that place, ask a better question. That question is what? What can I do now to support my mental health? What can I do now to support my body? What can I do now to support my spirit? What can I do now to create more peace in my life? These are more productive, proactive, and really self-soothing questions that we can ask ourselves instead of getting stuck in that why me. I think that's really, really important because all of our minds, and I know mine's gone there too, when the shiitakes hit the fan is like that why can catch you in a loop and not let you go.
7:50Yeah. You know, it's the kind of thing at night that I found myself. It's like, why, why, why, why did this happen? What did I do wrong? And what would have been a much better question? You know, you talk about the grief train and I love that the subtitle of the book is braving loss, grief, and the big messy emotions that happen when life falls apart. So what do you call the grief train? And I don't think it's as fun as it sounds like it sounds like a good time, but I don't think it is. Okay. So this comes from my therapist and this came from - Carol. Carol. Carol's the best. She is. And I call the book, I'm Not a Morning Person, not just to be cheeky and - Which by the way is a great freaking title.
8:31Thank you. But also because I wasn't a morning person. It was the emotion I did not want to experience. I was terrified of it. And so when the big emotions happen, sometimes if we find ourselves in that terror, what do we do? We hustle. We work harder. We outrun it. We throw ourselves into endless copious amounts of Sauvignon Blanc, right? We do a lot of stuff to avoid the stuff. And when I was talking about this with Carol, she said, you know, when the grief train pulls into the station, it brings all the cars, right? Now, Carol also has other great sayings, like, if it's not one thing, it's your mother.
9:11You know what I mean? That's always a good chuckle. But when the grief train pulls into the station, it brings all the cars. So what does that mean? That means that it brings old grief, old losses, old baggage that we think, wait a minute, didn't I work through that? I swear I'm over him. It was 20 years ago, blah, blah, blah. Or, for example, the grief train bringing the other cars could be those other big, messy emotions. Like, I didn't know that they rolled into the club and demanded bottle service, you know? And it was like, wow, how come I'm in rage? How come I'm in so much shame? How come I'm feeling so jealous right now?
9:49Like, if I was being invited to a wedding and I had to see a father-daughter dance, I'd want to, like, throw a banana peel down and be like, hope for a big pileup. You know, like, what has come over me? And it's because I think that we live in this grief-phobic, messy emotions-averse society. And so few of us have the tools that we need to sort of surf these storms. And so if we allow ourselves to even feel a little bit, we start to think, it's going to take me out. If I let this emotion in, I'm going to drown. Meanwhile, the opposite is true, right? And I think that our emotions are like really excited when we get brave.
10:31It's sort of like, come on, guys. Oh, my gosh. She's so brave. She's feeling it right now. Let's all rush in. You know what I mean? They're like, party. Party in the freaking grief train. Yeah. So even just saying it like that gave me peace. Like, oh, this is normal. Yeah. I think there's also a lot to be said for even us talking about this now and having awareness, like what to expect when you're not expecting your life to be turned upside down, which is your words or something close to your words on your book's page. And it really is helpful to know, oh, this anger, this rage, all of this, I'm not crazy and falling apart and I'll never be put back together.
11:17Like I can expect this. Exactly.
11:23One of the things you break down is the difference between fear and anxiety. And I always love distinctions like this because fear and anxiety, I've certainly mishmashed them together a ton of times. I think they can feel eerily similar in our bodies. And how do we really understand what the difference is and what's your perspective on how we can manage them differently and why is that important? Yeah, so again, this is the landscape we're gonna navigate. So each chapter in the book is a chapter that's emotions and experiences that you may find yourself in if your world has fallen apart. And so fear and anxiety, like I am, I thought I used to, I used to think of myself as a fearful person because I don't like walking on ice.
12:10Like I don't like, even though she has softened me, like roller coasters, no, you know, like. You do them now. I don't like pizza and pineapples. to eat. They can't touch. I have a lot of stuff that can't happen. My husband's like, oh my god, you. But I'm actually not as much of a fearful person as I am an anxious person. And that's what I've come to understand. And so exploring the difference between fear and anxiety, fear comes on in an instant, right? It has a beginning, middle, and end. It's like you're driving down the road. A deer jumps in front of you. I get this rush of cortisol, and I swerve out of the way.
12:48Anxiety is oftentimes the fear of what could happen, the fear of something that may or may not happen in the future. And what happens with anxiety is that oftentimes we start to ruminate. So our brains are so clever. And by the way, both of these things, as you know, are totally normal. This is part of survival. This is part of how we've evolved and, you know, can walk around in jeans. Like fear and anxiety helped us stay around. But once you get the message, it's important to learn how to turn off that signal. When you're going through a rupture, anxiety is going to be something you're feeling a lot of, right?
13:26And so because we're clever people, what happens is our brain starts to look for all of these clues. And it starts to do these risk assessments. You know, like if this, then that. And if this happens, then this will happen. And then we find ourselves telling ourselves lots of very scary stories. You know, like the stories that I tell myself when I'm anxious are not happy stories. They're not like, it's all going to work out just fine, maybe even better. No, it's like it's the worst stuff that comes up. And so even being able to say, oh, wait a minute, this is fear or this is anxiety. This is what my brain does.
14:06Okay, so if I know this is what my brain does, what can I actually do to start to self-soothe, to slow it down? And for me, that's the moment where you get to choose to insert a gap. Insert a gap between the thought, the story, whatever it is, the catastrophizing in that gap could be just a deep breath. And then I've got some other tips for people who may want to go further than that because it's not just the gap. It's like, okay, well, what are we going to do after that? What would you do after that? What are some of the things? Well, one of the things that I learned, and we can talk about this in a moment, But besides putting in that gap and saying, okay, take a deep breath, come back to myself, come back to the present moment, the moment that I'm in right now as opposed to down the road when I think something really bad is going to happen and then I'm just spinning out in that place, is we can't always change or solve the problems of the mind with the mind.
15:02You can't always think your way out of anxiety. It just makes it worse. Yeah. So that's where we have to get into our bodies. And for you, that might be like, I'm going to go to a dance class. Totally. It's going to completely reset me. For me, it's I'm going to go for a hike. It's going to completely reset me. It's almost like our brains get into brain rot. It's like a dog licking a hot spot. You know, you're like. I always love when you say that. Like my brain or yours is like, no, we've got a little brain rot happening right now. It's like, yeah, that's very true. It's true. Yeah. And so like, what can we do to change the channel?
15:34Yep. And physiology is one thing. I love, you actually have this in the book and I wrote it down. it's like give the scary movie you're playing in your mind a funny or absurd title i'm gonna read one this is what you wrote woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown winds up fine and accidentally loving life i'm gonna fall flat on my face and become a social outcast a musical
15:58yeah yeah i mean the moment you can bring any kind of humor like that one i feel like is such a great one to do with your friend like any friend that's actually real and supportive and that could kind of dig down in there with you in a very ginger and sensitive way. Totally. And what we just did right now, we laughed at it. And honestly, that just soothes our nervous system. It brings us back to the present moment. And it brings us to the place where, oh my God, in this moment right now, I'm okay. Yes. So people aren't projects. I love this part. Because, you know, everyone who listens to this show is ambitious.
16:37They're creative. Most of them are type A, very driven. We all kind of attract each other. When our lives fall apart and we're thrust into these extraordinary situations, I know for me, it's really easy for me to go into overdrive. It's really easy for me to start to flex the muscles of what can I do? How can I get it done? What do I need to figure out? And like the cape comes out, the legal pads, let me make every list, you know, all that stuff. And I found it really fascinating in the book. You tell a particular story about people aren't projects and how your initial focus was on fixing your dad.
17:15And then you recalled a particular lesson that he taught you after you were first diagnosed and you went in like a bull in a china shop around Thanksgiving. Do you remember what he told you? Can you, yeah, break this down for us a little bit? Absolutely. So first of all, I'm a monster. Like you want me on the cleanup crew when the shit hits the fan. Yes. Right. And so, and I remember when we went into one of the doctor's offices and there was a nutritionist there and I was there and my dad was there and, you know, he was just like, okay, you've got diabetes now, so we're going to have to change your diet and whatnot.
17:51And she looked over and she goes, are you Chris Carr? And I was like, yeah. She goes, oh, don't worry about it. You're going to be just fine. Just do what she says. Okay. And that's like the last thing that he wanted to hear, but it was everything I wanted to hear. I was like, this is what we came for. You know what I mean? I got this. Yes. And when I was newly diagnosed, because I have a disease that doesn't have a cure and it doesn't have treatment, right, I chose to participate in my well-being. And I threw myself into plant-based living and anti-inflammatory diet and lifestyle because it was something I could control, something I could focus on.
18:33I was like, it's go time. I've got this, right? Yeah. I also can sometimes be the person that my husband says, you know, nobody asked you for coaching at the dinner table when we went out. Like, I know that this is what you do for a living, but like nobody wants you to tell them what to do. I'm like, but I'm so good at that. I know good things. And so I was terrified, right? I'm being driven and fueled by anxiety. The thought of losing my dad, like it was not going to happen on my freaking watch. I'm freaking Chris Carr here. And I came in like a rocket ship. You know, I was just coming on so strong.
19:14And it was similar to when I was newly diagnosed and it was my first Thanksgiving and I had already gone vegan and I'm a new vegan. And so like, I've got my little soapbox that I drag around with me. Like, do you know what it does to the environment and the animals? You know, it's like, oh my God, like way to ruin a dinner party, you know? And so my dad said, look, love, I am so proud of what you're doing. You're helping people. And I'm up for trying this stuff. I mean, not all the way, but I'm going to eat some more vegetables. I'm cool with that. But you have to meet people where they are. Don't bang them over the head.
19:49People aren't projects. And I write in the book, translation, don't be a dick and ruin Thanksgiving. Yes. Right? And so when I cut to when he's going through what he's going through and I'm coming in, really hard and strong and he's tired and he's experiencing debilitating side effects from chemo and radiation and a very intense surgery. It's like he could do what he could do. And it had to be enough. That was not the way I wanted to spend our time is policing him and being a dick and ruining the time that I had left with him. So I was like, the only time you can change someone is when they're in diapers, back the up.
20:35Amen. And, you know, I just went through that recently with my folks. I came in heavy science and this and that I'm sending this mobile IV. I'm doing this. I got this. And literally it was blow up time. You know, it was blow up time. And I had to like take a hard look in the mirror and go, they can't handle it right now. And this is your problem. You know, this is you operating out of fear. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And anxiety and what's going to happen. But I love that. The notion of people on projects, I just think it's so important both when there is these incredible ruptures happening in our lives, but I also think it's important for day to day.
21:17I think it's so important in relationships. I mean, how many times you and I, we've talked about it, right? It's like your partner, your loved one, and you're like, wow, oh, that's a little place they can improve over there. We can put this on a project timeline and really make some magic happen. I'm a great coach. I've been doing it for 22 years. Just get with the program. It's like, Marie, sit the f*** down. Sit down. Sit down and shut up and smile. And why don't you just be loving? Yes, just be loving. Just be loving. You trap. So, oh gosh, this was a really fun part. This is a word that I have done battle with.
21:55Oh, I know what's coming. My entire life. Yeah. So higher self Marie, she exists. She comes out. She gets it. She's always there. Very much so. I love her. She's always there. She's cool. She watches things. She really understands. And then personality Marie hates this word. Very spicy. Hates this word so much and gives it the bird practically all the time. So the word is acceptance. Now, to be fair to myself, I also do believe that, you know, very much like the serenity prayer, right? Deciding what to accept and what not to accept is very contextual. Like there are certain things that outside of our control, naturally, we do need to accept.
22:35However, things that we do not have to accept, for example, in the chapter where you say, I'm not okay, you talk about your dad being very close to transitioning. And then all of a sudden, jackhammer start outside of the window. So let's talk about acceptance. then let's talk about when it's time to not accept things and like bulldoze in and go take care of business. Just what you want to do. I got to let that energy out sometime. I need a channel for it. This is why I have this business. So you know what I mean? I got to be able to do it sometime. Okay. So I think first let's redefine it so that it isn't something that makes you want to gag.
23:11Personality Marie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, acceptance isn't about settling. It is not about lowering our standards. It is not about giving up. That's not what acceptance is. Acceptance is, I think in its truest form, is about owning your self-worth. And most importantly, it is about saying, I will never abandon myself. That is what acceptance is. And so for me, it came as a result of living with cancer. So I wanted to be cured for a long time. I thought I couldn't share my story with the world or with even my closest friend in the world unless I was in remission. Like, what's so inspiring about that?
23:54What's so useful about that? Right? Because we live in a very binary world. You're either a winner or a loser. Right? People who win their battle. People who lost their battle. Right. Right? And so I realized about 10 years into my journey that if I was going to live with stage four cancer my entire life and I was going to put off life because I wasn't in remission, then I will have wasted my life. But if I accept that I have cancer, that I am still an incredible human being with an incredible opportunity to live as fully as I can this time around, then that's really what matters, right? So there's a difference between healing and curing.
24:38Curing may happen. It might not happen. But healing is available to every single one of us, even as we're dying. I thought that was such an important distinction. Such an important distinction because how you describe your dad's incredible journey as he got closer and closer to transitioning and the healing that he was experiencing himself and he was an extraordinary man. Yeah, he was. It's really inspiring. So I have this question for you, and I'm curious, what's your perspective? Do you see acceptance and surrender having a relationship? Yeah. And I can tell you about the jackhammers too, because - Oh yeah, let's talk about jackhammers, because that was great.
25:24I was like, yes, that's my girl. That's my girl making it happen. Everybody was at the house. My dad was in the final stages at that point. You're in a coma-like state. You cannot communicate. You're not even having food. You're not having water. Like your body is slowly shutting down. And bless the hospice nurses and the doctor who called him Dr. Porn, which was like the funniest thing ever because he's like, Ken, before, you know, you lose your ability to do stuff, you should remove the porn from your home if you have any so you don't leave your loved ones with that stuff. And I was like, I'm good there, doctor.
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26:04Dr. Porn. Dr. Porn. Coming in with helpful tips. Helpful tips. Good stuff. You got to learn this stuff. And so anyway, we're trying to make this zen-like experience for him with the beautiful music and the soft lighting. And I'm playing bouncer. Anybody who's got bad energy has got to get the hell out. And then the jackhammers kick in because their neighbor starts renovating their home and they're digging up an old pool. And there were people at our house, my mom was super busy tending to who knows what, but a lot, who were like, oh, man, we can't say anything, but this is just terrible. And I was like, oh, no, I'm saying something.
26:42And I marched right over there. And I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. My dad's over there dying. Is there any way you can stop the jackhammers? And they were like, what? I was like, yes, ma 'am. Thank you. Thank you. Love you. What just happened? But I would say that that's not about accepting that this is, you know, the way it's going to be. It's more so about summoning the courage to ask for what you need. You know, which is what I need is Enya, not the jackhammers. Yes. And I need you to help me with that, guys. Yes. And they're like, we're on board. That's awesome. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and overcommitted?
27:26Like no matter how hard or how long you work, you never seem to get enough done. The good news? You do not have to keep living that way. Time Genius is my brand new revolutionary training experience that'll help you set the right priorities, double your creative output, and skyrocket your energy, joy, and profits. Get ready to kiss overwhelmed goodbye forever. To learn more, go to jointimegenius.com. That's jointimegenius.com. I'll see you there.
28:02Okay, so surrender. Yeah. That, I feel like both personality Marie and higher self Marie, for whatever reason, have like a much easier time with surrender. I don't know. Where are you at with surrender? We've never talked about this. I know. These are such yummy questions. It's my job. I think I might have a career at this. I don't know. You let me know. You might have an award-winning show up your sleeve. A girl can dream. Okay. So for me, surrender happens in the heart space, whereas acceptance happens in the mind. Oh, say more. Okay. So I am accepting, like I shifted my thinking around living with stage four cancer.
28:39And I shift my thinking around certain things that maybe I don't want them to be the way they are, but they are. Right. So why am I going to fight like a marlin and exhaust myself? Right. Right. Surrender is something that happens in my heart. So if I think about surrendering to the idea that, yes, time is short. This is true. I cannot change that. And it's painful. Losing somebody is so painful. But just surrendering to that opens my heart. Surrendering to what's going to happen, even when it's really uncomfortable and really scary, keeps me present. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm here for it because I am surrendering to the truth of what is.
29:29Wisdom bombs from dad. So many. So many. I just remember throughout this journey, because you would share them with me as they would drop, there are three specific ones that I want to highlight because they really made an impact on me. There's one that's a surprise at the end that I haven't told you. just literally last week, two weeks ago, I was like, wow, Ken just changed my life again. So the first is the golden years are for shit, which is one of the best, most truest statements ever. I feel like in our culture for so many of us, not everyone, but I'm just talking about at least the culture I grew up in here in the United States, this notion, right, that you just work your tail off and you have your nose to the grindstone and then maybe, maybe, maybe 65 or 70 or 75 or, you know, for many people in our country right now, like that's not even a reality.
30:27Then you get a couple of years to retire, travel, quote unquote, live the good life in your golden years. And I just, you know, me, obviously for anyone who's new to the show, they're like, wow, she curses a lot. Yeah, I do. I'm from Virgie. Like I can't, I can't help it. And I think this He says, why Ken and I, we've got this thing. He's like, the golden years are for shit. I'm like, yes, Ken, yes. Tell it to us like we need it. Unpack that one for us. So he's visiting me, and I'm helping him up the stairs to go to our little guest room. And he's got his luggage, and he's winded, and we're standing on the landing.
31:05And he puts his bag down for a minute. And he's like, you know what's in this bag, love? And I'm like, what, Dad? He goes, medications. these are all my medications you have to live your life now because sometimes the golden years are for I worked so hard I thought I was going to do this that and the other thing when I retired and now I've just retired I've just sold my business and I'm dying of cancer now does that mean our golden years are always for no it was his way of saying to me don't put it off I I love a job. I like to stay in motion. I like to get the job done. I like to hustle. And I do something great for the world for a living.
31:53So it's another way for me to hide behind all of that crunching and all that kind of stuff. And he saw that in me. And he was like, don't put off your life. And so that was one of the big wisdom bombs. I always feel like I love you. more than anything. And I'm just going to continue to be the one pulling you out to adventures. I'm like, girl, we're getting to this trip. We're getting to that trip. We're going to make it happen now because the golden years could be for sure. I also love more like this. Yeah. We were in Martha's Vineyard. And so towards the end of my dad's life, I really was like our tour guide.
32:36Like we made a bucket list and I wanted to do all the things because he wanted to have fun a little bit every day. And I was like, fun is what we'll do. And we were at this beautiful restaurant and he was looking out and it was his birthday. And he said, I wish I had given myself more like this. You know, the summer is my busy season. He owned a paving business. And so even though I was the boss, I would never give myself a day off. I wish I had given myself more like this. So golden years, more like this. Basically, you've got to make your golden years now. Yeah. And I think the more like this, though, for me, the frame that I have on it is having the insight and the specific understanding of what is your more like this.
33:28So for him, when I read that part of the book, I saw y 'all at the restaurant. and looking out over the sunset and having that particular moment. And I think for all of us, there are those moments, like more like this for me, like for me and Josh, I would say, I remember one time we were in Italy and I had texted my mom, like a picture of us having like little espressos or, you know what I mean? We were at this like tiny little just bar and, you know, it was just perfectly sienna colored sun and it was great. And she was like, wow. And she's like, you need to enjoy that now while you can still do it.
34:02It was like a more like this kind of moment. And I think for everyone listening, I would challenge you, what are those snapshots in your life? Those moments. I think about you and I, I feel like, God, was that like an Oprah event? Remember when we came home and we were dancing after tequila on my bankette? There was a lot of tequila that one night. There was a lot of tequila. Oh, my God. I'm still hungover. We were dancing on my bankette at like 4 a.m. in the morning, running around in our socks and hats. I don't even know what the hell we were doing. But it's more like that. And so I I think for everyone listening, it's like, what are those more like that moments?
34:37Because those are executable. You can engineer them now. Like you can literally put them in your calendar. While, of course, you can't control the mood you're going to be in or blah, blah, blah. But you can stack the deck in your favor to have more of those experiences. A hundred percent. That's what he said. Find out what you're more like this is and then make it happen sooner. There is another one that showed up recently that I know is not in the book, actually, that came through a conversation with a medium that actually really made an impact on me because it had to do with hair. And both your dad and I have spent a considerable amount of time dealing with or managing our hair.
35:21Can you tell us? And then I'm going to tell you the story about how literally this just impacted me last week. Absolutely. So I was speaking to a mutual friend of ours, Marianne DeMarco. She's been on the show. Yeah. And she was saying, hey, your dad's coming through. Do you mind if I share anything with you? And I was like, sure. What's up? Tell me what's doing, pop. You know? And she said, one of the things that she said was, he said that you're going to know what this means. But he said where he is, he's like doing this. He's like, he's just running his fingers through his hair. Does that mean anything to you?
35:54And I was like, oh, my God. And she said, and it doesn't matter to him. Like, it feels good. Like, he feels okay doing that now. So we used to call my dad Kenzo, okay? He did his own hair perfectly. It was like Vitalis for Men hairspray. Never a hair out of place. Like, ironed t-shirts, iron jeans with the seam down the front. You know what I mean? Very put together. Very put together. And so never in a million years would he do this. Because it would mess up his hair. mess up his hair. And he was very anxious about his hair too, because it was thinning a bit. So he wanted to keep it all in place and keep it all in control and keep it all together.
36:38And that told me that wherever he is, he's free. And so are his follicles. And that's a good thing. So I thought of that story. So, you know, the conversation that we had planted in my mind, and I found myself at the beach. And you know how much I love being in the water. You do. Being in the sea. So it was an evening where I was also due to go to this event with a bunch of awesome women that I've never met before, but I was absolutely certain there was going to be like press and picture taking. You know, it was like, it was a party. It was a dinner party. It was like that kind of thing. It's amazing.
37:15It's my nightmare. Yeah. It was a full body yes to me. And I'm like, I'm just going to go. I know no one. But here is the deal. It was the last day that I was going to be out at the beach because we're in the middle of the renovation. And I had work and meetings and stuff to do. And there was this little slice of time that I could go to the ocean. And when I got to the ocean, the past couple of days, there was huge storms and rip currents, so I couldn't go swimming. But this afternoon, it was absolutely still. And the water was gorgeous. And I thought to myself, oh, gosh, I'm going to need to get home and get ready for, like, Like in order to deal with this thing and then get to the event on time, I can't go swimming and go underwater.
37:59And then I thought of your dad doing this, and I was like, f*** this. And I ran into the sea, and I swam around, and I dunked, and I was just like in heaven in the sea. And then I went to the event with a wet head. No, I'm not even kidding you. Are you feverish? No. I'm so proud of you. And it was just like, I didn't even have time to wash my hair, but I know this. Greg, if my hair is a little bit dirty and there's sea salt in, I'm like, it'll dry. It'll be fine. This was the funniest thing. I was talking to these different women there. Everybody was super cool. They're like, oh my God, you have the coolest mermaid hair.
38:32And I was laughing my ass off because I was like, it's so dirty right now. And then I told that story, but it was like, that's this thing and that little wisdom bomb and these moments. And like how many of us, I know I've certainly done it, where you make these choices about how you think you need to look or how you need to present yourself or who you need to be or how you need to fit in. And then you skip out on these moments that are so important for your aliveness. Anyway, thanks, Ken. It helped me. So you also talk about anger in this book. And this is a really interesting topic because I know that you told me that it was really hard for you to write some of the stories that you tell in this chapter about anger.
39:20And as I was reading the book, I was like, huh, I can understand that a little bit. But let's unpack anger a little bit and then talk about how it started to erupt in you. Because I do think the stories that you tell are, um, they're stories that people can recognize themselves in and feel less shame about. Wow. And that's the big word right there. And I think it comes back to all of the big, messy emotions that happen when we're going through a really tough time. And anger just sideswiped me. I didn't realize how angry I was, how angry I would become. And I felt a lot of shame around that anger and around some of the eruptions that I had, one of which was like, if it was a cell phone moment, it would be like, is that Chris Carr, the wellness expert, losing her publicly?
40:13You know what I mean? It's like, oh my gosh, what just happened? But I set, and we'll talk about this a little more maybe, but I set two intentions for this book. The first was for the readers, and that was to normalize these conversations and to help people feel less alone and to give them more tools. And the other intention was for me, and that was to go to places that scared me. Not just the places that scare me through the healing process, but the places that scare me by revealing more than I've ever revealed in my writing. And being truthful and being raw and being messy and being honest and even touching places that I'm like, are you sure we can't take back the draft?
40:56Wait, it's really at the printer now? Right. Okay. Interesting. You know? And one of those, there are a few, but one of those was around anger. And what I have come to understand is, I think you want me to tell you what the story is? Yeah, because, yeah. Okay. I can't tell which one is more up for me. I think the one in the bathroom. Oh, that one. The worst one. Thanks. Only because, well, we could talk about the other one. Like, I've screamed at people and almost hit them. I mean, I'm just going to be honest. I do it on vacation because people are interesting sometimes. I can't control Jersey Marie if people threaten me.
41:32I go nuts. Yes. I don't necessarily, you know, anyway, the one that you're referencing is when some like really shady stuff went down with these two guys that were very threatening towards me. And I basically had to advocate for myself. And part of that was really standing up for myself and a lot of expletives came out. But yes. They were drunk guys and you told them where to shove it. and you really gave them a piece of what they needed. I gave them a piece of my mind. Yeah. But my dad was standing behind me after that. You know, they were trying to pick me up, and it was just like, come on, baby, come out drinking with us.
42:14And one of them was getting into my dad's car, and I was like, no, by the way, this isn't an Uber. The car had just come around. And, oh, you know, come on, baby, let's go, let's go. And then I was like, no, I said no, and you need to get out of our car. This is not an Uber. and the guy was like, can I say what he said? Of course. Did you forget where you are? Yes, you could say what he said. He said, you're not even worth it. You're all this left.
42:49Right. And I lost my mind. Right. You know, I, I just was like, I just went off and then, my dad comes out, my husband comes out. And what I realized was I wasn't just screaming at this man who had just been so disrespectful and so demeaning. And so, you know, like all the things, like it is just so gross. I was screaming because how dare it be him and not you? I was so pissed off. Like you get to go on living your life while this incredible human doesn't. And I was like, there is no justice in the world. And I was just having this existential angry moment at God, at the dudes, at cancer. Yeah.
43:33And then my dad's standing behind me, and he's shaking. And I just got flooded with shame. Oh, my gosh. Because I wanted him to think I had my shit together. Yes. That when he left, I would be fine, and I would keep the family together, and I would do all the things he taught me to do. but clearly I don't have my shit together. And it was so hard for me. And then I realized how close shame can be with those really big emotions. But the truth of the matter is, let's talk about anger for a second. Anger is an indicator emotion, right? Anger signals that there's something else going on. Anger is what comes up when there's injustice.
44:15Anger is basically your mind and your body saying, ow, this really hurts. And usually there's something underneath the anger. And for me, underneath that anger was loss, was shame, was a lot of unresolved emotions. And anger was just coming on as a protector, as an emotion that would help me get through that time so I could be safe again. And that's when I started to say, my grandmother used to say, this is anything that was something that women specifically shouldn't do because you grew up in a very different time, was like, don't be unbecoming. And anger was one of those unbecoming emotions.
45:01And then I'm like, you got to befriend this one too. Yeah.
45:10First of all, I think all of the stories that you tell are incredible in this. And there wasn't one where I was like, yes, Chris, yes. Because I think we've all been there. I've certainly been there. There have been times, like when I mentioned just before, we were on a vacation once and there was this gentleman and he wouldn't leave us alone and it started to feel threatening. And I didn't even know what happened, but I turned around and the roar that came out of me and how I charged, I didn't assault him, but the energy that came out of me, it frightened me. Yeah. And like everyone around in a certain radius was like, what?
45:50And I didn't even know where that came from, but I was like, whoa, I have never felt anger or rage like that. And it was, you know, if there was a cell phone moment, like, damn, Forleo's got some fire, but those can feel embarrassing, but they're real. And we all experience it from time to time. And I think we all take a look in the mirror and go. Yeah. I mean, even sharing it now, I could feel the heat come up. And the thing that I think is so powerful, I was telling this to our friend Terry Cole the other day, is just how knowing that that and some other stories are in the book, that they're there is I'm still doing work around shame.
46:24And the truth is, is that I have no reason to feel that shame. And so to just be, isn't this interesting? Just lean into these emotions with curiosity and what else is here. And okay, so what's under that? Yes. Yeah. And I think you did a great job and are doing a great job. So rest in love. This is a chapter that I was literally bawling at the end of, like truly bawling. I had to close the book and take a moment. Take us back to the experience when you talked with Carol, your therapist, about talking about, talking about it. Yeah. So there's a lot of conversations that we'll have in our lives with people that are really scary.
47:07This is not just about death and dying. But in this particular case, and you can get whatever it is that you need, and it's not necessarily about the actual process of walking somebody to the end of their life and being there for the transition, though, if you have the opportunity to do that, it's the most sacred and amazing experience you can have because we're all going there. But I was terrified to have the conversation and my dad wanted to. And I was afraid I'd get it wrong. And I was afraid I had made him feel bad. And I was afraid that, you know, by seeing me grieve, it would make him even sadder.
47:47So I wanted to shield him and protect him. And yet he wanted to have a conversation about it. And so I told my therapist And she said, why don't you start by talking about talking about it? So it's not the actual conversation, but it's like the pre-show warmup. It's like dipping your toe in the pool. Yeah, like, hey, I'm willing to have this conversation, and I may not get it right, and I'm probably going to fall apart, and I'm not going to know what to say, and it's going to be so hard for me, but I'm here, and I'm willing to show up for it. Does that resonate with you? And he was like, absolutely.
48:21You know, I'm grateful for that opportunity. Right? And then it was like, okay, let's do something else now. Yes. It's not going to be today, though. You know. And then, you know, and then like a week later, we had the conversation. Yeah. Yeah. What a gift. I love, too, that you highlighted your mom's beautiful, intuitive coaching near the end, writing, you're doing such a good job at this. I'm so proud of you. Yeah, and that's as he's dying. She's coaching him. And we're like meditating and breathing and she's coaching him. And I'm holding his hand, she's holding his heart. And it's just one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
49:02I was just like, you're a master. I've been on stage with some of the greatest masters in the world. You're kicking their ass. Aura is incredible. Talking about just that feeling that you had of going, okay, I know he wants to have this conversation. I'm not going to get it right, but you know it's necessary. You have such a beautiful chapter. It's one of my favorites called Awkward Times, Awkward People. And it's one of the most tactical chapters in the book. And I like to consider myself a pretty communicative person and I'm very straightforward. And most of my friends usually appreciate that about me.
49:41And I just remember when things were going down with you, I was like, like, there were so many hits that you were taking and, you know, we didn't even talk about buddy. And, you know, we didn't talk about so many things, but I found myself going like all the time, like, what do I say? And what do I not say? And we'll get to some of my awkward moments, but, um, what are some of the things? Cause I think this is really, really important for our listeners and for people watching right now that we should never say. And by the way, we've all made mistakes here because we want to say something right, but we wind up saying things and it just turns, it just gets twisted.
50:14So everything I write about, a lot of the things that I have said, I've done, I've stepped in the poop myself. And I think the most important thing is not to get people scared and shut down because we're all humans and we're all hurting and we're all fumbling around trying to get this thing called life, right? And so I think the most important thing is if you mess up, just own it and say, you're sorry, fully, full stop. And then be like, back into human school.
50:44But I can tell you from my experience, even with cancer, I remember people saying, oh, wow, how long do you have to live? Or, oh, my friend had that and she died. And you're just like, thanks, Betsy. That's really reassuring. Gosh. But when it comes to stuff like this, like, you know, I've spoken to so many different people along the way of the person who has a miscarriage and somebody's well-meaning says, oh, don't worry, you're young, you'll have another baby. And you say, but I wanted this baby. Or you lose your partner and somebody says, there's other fish in the sea. And you're like, I don't want fish, I want my person.
51:23or, you know, it's God's plan. And that one can be really hard for people. Maybe some folks are open to that, but not everybody is going to be open to that line of thinking. For me, I'm like, excuse me while I barf in my mouth because that sounds like a sociopathic, narcissistic God. Yep. I don't want any part of that. Right. And so there's a lot of things that we do with our language around people who are grieving or going through really difficult times. but I want to say that I think for the most part it's coming from a really good place. Because we are awkward. We don't know what to say. So sometimes we put words together that maybe shouldn't go together.
52:03Let's shift to some of the things that we should say, or things that are actually perhaps more healing and create more connection. Do you want me to tag on some of the stuff? These are your words. So I'm so sorry you're going through this. Very standard, but it does open a conversation that creates that connection pathway. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm here to listen. I feel like that's so honest. Yeah. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm here to listen. It's like, I would love to hear that. I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to help in any way I can. Yeah. That's a great one. I'm with you and I love you.
52:40And then this one, of course, this is for all of us type A people. I bet you could use some help right now. How about I blank run errands, get groceries, walk your dog? So good. Super helpful. And I think the biggest thing is just to be courageous. Like I call it courageous acknowledgement. It's acknowledging the elephant in the room because sometimes we want to flee. We want to change the subject. We start centering ourselves. Oh, you went through a loss. I went through a loss. And then we hijack the conversation. And if we can just take a deep breath, stay present, and be courageous by acknowledging it.
53:13Like, I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through. Yeah. And I love this too. You had another bit of tactical advice in terms of advice giving. And this is particularly important for people who happen to be in professions like ours. Like me. Yeah. Do you want advice right now? Yeah. Or do you want to brainstorm? Or do you just want to get it off your chest? It's like, especially when someone is in the middle of an intense pickle, give them multiple choices. like make it easy. And I thought this was a great line. I don't know how to act and I'm afraid to get it wrong, but I love you and I want to try.
53:48How beautiful is that? You're smart, kid. You're smart. Signs and synchronicities. This is a fun one. So building on this, I remember that when your dad passed, it was only a few months after, but I had such a strong intuitive hit that I wanted to get you this gift. And I was so nervous. I don't know if I ever told you. I might have told you after I gave you the gift that I was super nervous because I didn't want to offend you. I love you so much. I didn't want to give you this gift if it was going to feel weird or icky. But I had become somewhat obsessed. I started off, we talked about surviving death.
54:35We had talked about that beautiful Netflix series, which I found very moving because my grandmother had just passed at that time. And then I started watching this show called The Seatbelt Psychic. Remember? And I texted you and I'm like, oh my gosh, this guy is amazing. He's so sweet. He's so kind. He's so good. And then I was fishing around on the internet and I'm like, I really felt in my heart that I wanted to give you this session. You didn't have to take it if you didn't want to, but I felt like enough time had passed and I was like, gosh, am I going to lose my best friend over this. You know what I mean?
55:08I'm going to lose my best friend because I know you're not super into that stuff, but I gifted you that session to just see if you even wanted to explore a potential connection. Yes. Well, first of all, you could never lose me. So you're stuck with me. Secondly is yes, I sometimes have a very feral and fluid connection to faith and I tend to be skeptical of a lot of things. And I have a lot of friends who are mediums and psychics. And it's not that I don't believe. I'm just, it's just not something I gravitate towards. Totally. You know what I mean? And then my dad passed and now I'm like, signs, signs, signs.
55:44Where are you? So anyway, when you said that, I was like, Marie's watching a new program on Lifetime called the Seatbelt Psychic. What is this about? You know, and then I'm racking and stacking and I had that session with him and it was really wonderful. Thomas John. Thomas John. Yeah, he's fabulous. It was very, very appreciated. And then you were like, hey, let's go do a weekend with Laura Lynn Jackson. Who is the best. Who is amazing. And I really loved her because one of the things that she said was, you have to ask. You know, and don't make it easy. And I was like, don't make it easy on the dead?
56:17That sounds like a little rude. You know? Okay. But basically, like, don't ask for a squirrel. Especially if you live where I live, you're going to see squirrels everywhere. Like, dad, dad, dad. You know? No, it's a squirrel. Yeah. And so I was like, all right, I'm not going to make it easy on the dead. I'm going to listen to Laurel and Jackson. So I asked for a narwhal. And I don't know if you know what a narwhal is. Now I do. I didn't know what the hell. I was like, when we were at that workshop, I'm like, what you doing, bro? I was setting the bar high. I was like, if this shit works, I'm going to get a narwhal.
56:45And a narwhal is a combination of a dolphin and a unicorn. So it's like my happy place right there. And a week goes by, and this is in the book, and there's no narwhal. And I had just gone to this workshop with Marie. My heart's open. And I'm thinking maybe. And then a month goes by, no narwhal. And I'm like, that damn workshop with Marie. Damn, where's my damn narwhal? This is stupid. And then I go into an antique store because, you know, I like teaking on the weekends. Who doesn't? We don't trust them. And over the desk is this beautiful antique photo or like, you know, drawing of a narwhal.
57:23And I was like, okay. Hi, Dad. So good. Yeah. And I love some of that work. I've personally gotten a lot out of it because I'm such a believer, not in any particular strict religion, but I'm very clear for myself that this consciousness and this, it's like, yeah, I'm in this little meat suit for a little bit, but there's a whole lot more that's happening out there. And I'm very interested in people that have those particular gifts because I find them fascinating. and I'm really happy that I didn't, that you weren't like, why is my best friend, like, you know what I mean? Why did she get me this particular session?
57:59No, I was very happy. It wasn't like when my mom dragged me to therapy with Dr. Ron and I just sat there for a year because I was like, wouldn't let her get her money's worth. I wasn't like, Ray made me see you. I was grateful. Okay. So when we actually talked about doing this podcast, you said that there was one regret that has to do with me. And then you're like, no, I'm not telling you until I'm on your show. I know. It's going to be a big reveal for the audience. Okay.
58:27We did a celebration of life for my dad. There was 150 people who came from all over the country and I didn't invite you. I didn't invite any of my friends. And I didn't invite you. And you're not my friend, you're my sister. And I even remember my mom saying at the time, like, why aren't you inviting Marie and I didn't want to bother you. Oh my God. No, I know. I know. And what I realized at the time was I'm such a producer that I was like, I'm going to be here for my mom. I'm speaking. Like I got to kick this out of the park. This is my opportunity. And there's 150 people who are coming and I'm going to be there for them.
59:05I don't need anybody. Oh my God. I so regret that. And I have so little regrets around this experience. But that was what, because I needed you. I did. I remember, and I was trying to be actually gentle because I knew what a tender time it was. And I was like, do you need anything? Like, do you want a second producer member? Because I'm like, dude, I'll get in there. Right? I'll build flower things. Like, you know, I'll put, I'll do whatever. I'll be like at the bouncer at the door, make sure nobody's getting in there. You guys would all be there and be like, we're here again. No, but it's, you know, I have been, will be, same thing.
59:44Like you're not going to be able to get rid of me. And I think for all of us at these times, we just go to our default mode. Yeah, just put your head down, get it done. Be there for everybody else. You don't need this. You've got this. Yes. And yeah, that was a mistake. Well, it's not a mistake that, I mean, I feel close. I told you, I feel like I almost feel even closer to Ken. I feel like he was with me on the beach that day. Do you know what I mean? And I feel like I get little nudges every now and again or winks out of somewhere. And I'm like, it's Ken energy. It's really good. Let's talk about moving on versus moving forward.
1:00:22I think it's a really interesting distinction because they're different. Yeah. So a lot of times we may think, well, we have to put this bad experience behind us, right? It's over. It's time to move on with our life. It's time to suck it up, buttercup, keep on going. That's the past. And I don't think that there is an on. I think that if you're lucky, you move forward. And if you do the work, you move forward. and the truth of the matter to me is that you know there's two sides of the coin and love is one side and grief is the other because you can't have one without the other again if we're lucky enough to be alive then we are going to experience loss of all shapes and sizes and sometimes when we think well we have to move beyond it it can bring up a lot of stuff like for example guilt I remember feeling happy for the first time and then feeling really guilty because I felt like, aren't I abandoning my loved one by even experiencing joy?
1:01:27Aren't I, you know, being disrespectful by allowing joy in my heart? And that's when I was like, oh, grief is just another emotion. And I say this in the book. It's like we can't amputate any of our emotions and expect to be whole. So I can't get rid of it. I can't move on. But I can continue to welcome it and have a seat at my table for grief whenever it comes up. And it can continue to move forward with me in life. And I can build all these other beautiful experiences and memories and joys and adventures around it. It comes to this notion of there's an expansion of who we are and what we include.
1:02:12Beautiful. and it becomes both and yeah both and which you write about so beautifully your words I love this and it guts me I'm excited about this next chapter and I'm depressed I'm grateful and I'm grieving I'm energized and I'm exhausted I mean I'll pause there for a moment because I don't know if anyone listening right now has not had those simul experiences. And I feel like younger versions of me, it was so binary. It was so black and white. It was like, oh, well, if I'm this, then I can't be that. And if I'm that, I mean, I can't be this. And I would feel almost schizophrenic inside. And the older I get, the more I realize I'm like, oh no, it's like those two and probably four more are hanging out at the party together.
1:03:02Like it's both. And I'm not one or the other. they kind of they're all partying and doing their numbers on the dance floor I'm going to share these two unless you want to share them no I'm healthy and I have cancer I'm a life-loving person and I have a lot of anxiety I'm big-hearted and close off boom I'm successful and unsuccessful at a whole lot of things right it's just like both and yeah has it given you more peace to feel the both and in your life and to feel more comfortable embracing both and feeling like you don't just fit into the good column? Yeah, I think none of us want to live in boxes, boxes or prisons.
1:03:47And I think that the both and is more true to a three dimensional life. And it's like living in the magnificent gray is what I talk about, as opposed to very binary black and white thinking as you so beautifully said, I think it also makes it easier to stumble around and explore these messy emotions and know you're going to have setbacks and comebacks and it's not always going to be pretty, but like you're doing it. You want to close by doing some reading? Sure. You know, I use readers now. I, I, I'm going to be okay though. What happened? life life okay here we go while life will never be the same after whatever loss you're grappling with it's still worth putting yourself out there and living and loving fully not because your person would want you to while likely true no one wants to hear that and not because god doesn't give you more than you can handle seriously wtf but because life is beautiful and you deserve to bask in that beauty before your own eventual dirt nap, which can sneak up on you real fast.
1:04:58So you might as well get busy living. Yes. We're living before the dirt nap, which by the way, I think it's like one of the best phrases ever. I'm like, Greg and I were laughing behind. So we're like, it was like dirt naps. It was like, oh, you don't even need a blanket. There's just like piles of earth on you. Like you're, you're really good. Chris, writing is fun. Writing is fun. And you are brilliant at it. Congratulations on this gorgeous book. It's going to help literally millions of people. Thank you for making the time today. And thanks for being you. I love you.
1:05:43These days, distractions and interruptions are everywhere. I mean, there's always another text or DM or email or group chat or social media platform that you're supposed to be on 24-7. But what if there was a smarter, better way? What if you could start every day feeling clear, energized, and focused? What if you could double or even triple your creative output, working less hours and never burning out? Well, now you can. Join me for my brand new training experience called Time Genius. If you're ready for a life that's full of spaciousness and meaningful accomplishment, go to jointimegenius.com.
1:06:27That's jointimegenius.com. I'll see you there.
From the publisher
Has your life been turned upside down by the end of a relationship, job loss, death of someone you love, a diagnosis, or any other unexpected blow? This episode is a MUST LISTEN.
Kris Carr — New York Times bestselling author, cancer thriver, and my best friend — is on #MarieTV today to help you navigate big emotions like grief, rage, fear, and shame. Learn science-backed tips to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward.
WHAT'S COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:
Living with incurable stage 4 cancer [2:55]
Avoid this 3-letter word when crisis strikes [5:14]
Partying on "The Grief Train" [7:52]
Fear Vs. Anxiety [11:11]
How to instantly soothe your nervous system (It works!) [14:58]
Stop trying to fix people! [16:56]
The power of acceptance [21:39]
What is surrender? [23:28]
Making these your "Golden Years" [28:37]
How to deal with anger, fear, and resentment [38:35]
How to comfort someone who's in pain [48:32]
A conversation with a psychic medium [53:55]
Kris Carr's biggest regret in life [57:20]
How to move on after loss, crisis, or trauma [59:29]
Thanks for listening! New episodes drop every Tuesday. Make sure you hit the follow button to get notified. <3
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MORE RESOURCES FOR YOU:
Kris Carr's new book, I'm Not a Mourning Person, hits bookshelves TODAY. Grab your copy here → https://www.amazon.com/Im-Not-Mourning-Person-Emotions/dp/1401970060/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1695066903&sr=8-1
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