396 - Are They "The One" or Should You Run? ft. Matthew Hussey

42:52How many people have had the experience of meeting someone on a date and having chemistry and then trying to show pictures of them to a friend? And the friend's like, I don't really get it. Right. It's because it's not just because you have different tastes than your friend. It's that you were on the date. You could feel their energy. You could feel the way they were emoting. And all of that plays a part. So I think that we're overly judgmental at the very front end. I think if you are on date three with someone and there's no hint of anything, then of course that's a problem. Don't waste your time, you know, on getting on date 10 and hoping something's going to change.

43:32But how many people are never even getting to that point with people because they've overjudged or they've told themselves that chemistry for them has to come in one very specific version? yes and and a lot of that is ego as well it's not because sexual attraction you can have with people you never expected but they may not always be the people that you take home and your family goes they're exactly what i thought of for you your family might go might you know if you take home someone who's super objectively like just symmetrical and you take them home to your family and they're charming and charismatic your family's probably going to pat you on the back and go oh well done you but if you take someone home that you have like amazing chemistry with but they don't look the part they may not say that and that might get your ego might flare up now because now instead of listening to what you actually feel which is that actually there's something really interesting here your ego is kicking in and telling you oh but they're not the people that will impress my friends or they're not the people my family is going to think is amazing and that's a that's a big deal and then the last thing i'll say about this because it's very very important is that the thing that so many people are calling chemistry is trauma.

44:47Wait, say more. That's a big one. You know, we, we, it's like calling the feeling that MDMA or cocaine or heroin gives you happiness. Right. It's a feeling. Might be familiar. right and it might give you a certain like surge but it's not happiness and and sometimes our nervous system is wired for chaos it's wired for push pull it's wired for someone who's inconsistent it makes us value someone who's inconsistent even just that even if you don't have trauma from the past even just the economics of our brain and the way we value things can can work against us You know what it is? It's diamonds and air.

45:42Diamonds and air. When you, if I take away diamonds from you, you'll be fine. If we take away the air, you'll last a couple of minutes, right? But people, when people think of valuable, they think diamonds. They don't think air. We take air for granted. And that happens in relationships all the time where the person who makes themselves scarce suddenly becomes diamonds. because we go, oh, they're rare. They're hard to get. They're not available. And the economics of our brain goes, if they're not available, they must be more valuable. Must be more special. Complete non sequitur, by the way. Yes.

46:23Complete non sequitur. They could just not be ready for a relationship. They could be someone who's got a ton of stuff on at work. They could be someone who's disorganized. They could be someone who's sleeping with 20 different people. It doesn't make them more valuable, but in our brain we go oh they're not abundant so they must be they're scarce therefore they're rare so there's even that economics going on but for so many people chemistry is this what they think of as chemistry is this familiar nervous system activation that is happening the moment someone doesn't text them for five days makes them feel completely unsure of themselves and then sends them a message five days later that says what's going on that's you know that might be the same thing if someone's a child and a parent ignored them for five days and it made them feel like i i'm freaked out where's my parent i'm gonna am i gonna be okay am i gonna survive you know it's all real stuff at that point well and then the parent on day six brings you a present or does something for you and you go okay oh my god they they have been thinking about me they got me a present they love me and so on but if you then apply that to an adult relationship someone doesn't text you for five days they don't love me or they don't care about me they don't like me as much as i like them oh my god this i'm gonna die you don't know what to do with yourself you can't eat you can't sleep and then on day six they say what are you up to tonight you go oh my god oh they aren't they amazing?

48:02It's like flying to the danger zone. Like that's, that's the song that's playing my head as I'm hearing this play out. It's it. So this actually brings me to the next question. Let's say someone just had the most amazing first date and they're thinking, Oh my goodness, this could be my person. You caution people about rushing in to create a love story before that person demonstrates their intention. Let's talk a little bit about that because, Well, let's go a step further. Yes. What value does, you just had a great date with someone. Yep. Best date ever. Yep. Okay. You have learned nothing about this person's character.

48:44Someone giving you a great date is not an indication of their character. It's an indication of their impact. Say more. Impact is, you can know how to create impact. It doesn't speak to how great of a friend you would be to someone. I've had guys that I meet on day one. I'm like, we're going to be best friends in the world. I love this guy. I'm like so enamored. I go home with like a man crush. And I'm like, this guy's really like, I've done it before when me and Audrey, my wife are together and I'm like, that guy's really great, isn't he? And she's like, I don't know about this guy. And I'm like, what are you, were you not seeing what I was seeing?

49:23you know and i'm i i can feel myself becoming enamored with someone yeah it's like a little crush yeah and then three months later i'm like we're not friends yeah this person's like they they you know there's a great line in talented mr ripley where uh you know matt damon is is crushed that jude law who he thought was his new best friend is now like just off playing with someone else and and gwyneth paltrow uh jude law's wife in the movie says to him you know it feels so great when dickie's attention is on you it's like the sun is shining on you and then it moves on and it's very very cold what that says is not you know jude law is such a great friend to invest in and he's got such great character and he has all the right stuff that makes him someone you would want in your life it says that he was someone who had great impact in that moment and we have to question why is it this kind of person is having such impact with me what am i potentially overvaluing here and what am i undervaluing how could you possibly know what this person's level of kindness is or whether they would show up for you if there was a difficult time or what they're like when nobody is looking or what yeah i don't know any of these things character can only be measured over time it cannot be something that you measure on a first date so you have to give yourself time before you decide to conjure some story out of an experience you've had again it is a complete non sequitur and that is that is one of the great routes for anyone it's a very common thing for people to say i get obsessed with people too quickly and then i become a different person you you have to start by saying what are the things that i really need forget what's sexy or charismatic or attractive whatever what do i need and a great way to know what you need is to go back into your history and go even with the people i desperately wanted what did i not receive from them that by not you know assuming i was in a relationship at some point with a person like that what did i desperately need from them that i didn't get and how miserable did that make me you know if i didn't get empathy or if i didn't feel seen by them or if i didn't get their loyalty or if i didn't get their presence or if i was never made to feel safe by that person then anyone who's had that experience knows that even though while you were in it you were trying to desperately hold on to them because you thought you'd die if they left you were actually in hell while you were in it yes and when you realize that you realize that no one can be attractive enough to make you give up on something that's fundamental to your peace and your happiness and when you know that then you start waiting before you've observed the traits the qualities the character that will bring you peace and happiness before you start writing the love story of who this person is to you.

52:34Let's talk red flags because I think this is so important. Sometimes we don't see them or maybe we don't want to see them until the relationship is over. And I think this dovetails nicely with what we're talking about. You say in the book, it's like watching a horror movie where everyone else sees what's going on, but we're the oblivious victim. So are there any kind of general red flags that we should be on the lookout for? And I love that you have this amber lights approach. Yeah. The, the, the, the kind of, I came up with this amber lights idea because the red flag rhetoric is one that it becomes, it goes, it goes a little far.

53:09Yeah. Cause at a certain point you go, just everyone's a red flag. There's no one left. It's just red flags. Yeah. I mean, we do that. I do that in the context of a business, to be quite honest with you, like potential folks that we're going to collab with freelancers or even employees, the most dangerous. It's like, am I noticing any red flags? Yeah. And by the way, we should pay attention to those because there are legitimate red flags. But for my, my feeling is something, when you think something might be a red flag, you often don't know, unless it's something so egregious that you go, I can't have this.

53:48anyone who's capable of that i can't have them in my life my business my relationship whatever but most things don't tend to fall into that category most things fall into the category of i'm not sure about that thing you just did we go put it in the amber box we then put it it becomes an amber light and an amber light is an invitation to a conversation and a big theme of this book is how much trouble we get ourselves in because we have an aversion to hard conversations. And your life will get better in general, not just in your love life, in proportion to the number of hard conversations you're willing to have.

54:28Amen. So when you see something you don't like, you have to train yourself to have the bravery to point it out, albeit in an elegant way. And I talk about ways to do that. because there's definitely a wrong way to do it yes but but it's that conversation then someone is either going to acknowledge what you've said and help you understand more about them or correct it for next time or they're going to ignore it or gaslight you about there even being a problem or be incapable of apologizing or at which point you go oh it's gone from an amber light to you know a complete stop sign yeah or it turns from an amber light into a green light if you have a conversation with someone and it's very productive which it often is and that's that is leadership that's you're not just now responding to the culture of someone else you're creating culture and that's a that's what all great leaders do we don't talk about this enough in the context of people's love lives but my god is it relevant in in our love lives mitch album said that the if you don't like the culture you have to be brave enough to create your own and there are many people who don't like the dating culture out there right now why do people do this why do men do that why do women do this but they're not creating culture they're complaining a lot about culture but you you can't change culture but in your life in your bubble in the people you let in and what you the dynamics you create you can create culture just as you have in your business right that's what makes you great is that you create you're not just creating something that's outward facing you're also creating a culture inside and the one of the most i think one of the most rewarding things about starting a company is that you get to say i want there's a culture that's going to have my thumbprint on it that's uniquely ours that's not going to be quite like the culture of anything else out there that's a very there's a kind of not talked about enough thing i think in business is that how exciting that is it's a very creative thing it is that you get to do and and you get to do that in your love life too you get to be the person that someone sends you a text and you're feeling like you know maybe you say it's a red flag because this person always texts and never calls or it never like seems to progress past the texting well the kind of protective defensive way of dealing with that is just to bail yep the um or you can call someone out on it or the next time that person texts you you could leave them a three minute voice note or a 60 second voice note and they say what you up to today and you pick up the phone and you just speak into it for 60 seconds you say well i'm actually doing this with my sister right now and blah blah blah and i was thinking of you today because and that person receives a voice note from you now and it is an invitation to them to level up yeah to a greater level of intimacy albeit in just one step that's creating culture and it's a it's a it's a leader's world to do that.

57:51You can't just go into dating as a follower. I think one of the things you're genius at so many things. And one of the things that is incredible are your scripts, because I think, and I'm curious to hear your perspective on this. I think a lot of people shy away, especially in their love life, but I think this broadens out to their entire lives. We'll back away from hard conversations. At least one reason is because they don't know the right words. Yes. And they're afraid. And you know, if you are in a long-term relationship, you're like, if I say a lot, it's all going to erupt. And you know what I mean?

58:26Then you're afraid of what's going to come back. So your scripts are just amazing. I love you said this in the book. When people come to me with their problems, so many of their questions follow this pattern. Matthew, he did this and I didn't like it. Do you think it can get better? But when I asked the obvious follow-up, have you talked to him about it? Their answer is almost always no. I should be the second person they've talked to about the problem a big part of the problem is that i'm usually the first so do you think it's for some many of us because like we don't have instruction in this you know my friends in my personal life um some of my friends are like you always just come out and say when you're pissed or i'm upset i'm like i don't like to hold grudges and if shit goes down that's not cool with me i just pick up a phone i'm like this didn't feel so good can we talk about this this was my interpretation you know what was your take and then i'm kind of like a duck you know what I mean?

59:12Then I like go like this and then I'm done. And, uh, I don't know where that comes from, but I think it's because I care so deeply about others and I, I don't like bullshit or drama, but most of us don't have instruction on that. And so I think one of the great things that you do is help us. So, um, I actually want to start with some hypotheticals, but can we talk about how your beautiful, amazing wife, Audrey actually did this when you all first met each I'm so sick of talking about everything this woman did right. Yes. Well, we're going to go there because I think it's a perfect example. She's, it's funny.

59:47I've been for 15, 16 years before I met Audrey, I, a big part of my world was giving people practical examples of things they could say that I really felt like it didn't, didn't matter to me whether people use them verbatim. But what I wanted people to understand is the structure. Language matters. And even in the example you just gave, there were lots of things that work about that. You know, it didn't make me feel good. That's not you telling someone else they're bad. It's that something that happened or something you did didn't make me feel good, right? Even that is not something that's immediately going to put someone's defense up.

1:00:27Can we talk about it? Nothing about that that will make them raise their guard. You know, can you tell me about it from your perspective? Now I'm listening to you. So even, even in the structure that you just outlined, there's like, I can spot three or four things that you're doing there that structurally are going to create much better results than 99 % of people get. And so I was always fascinated by the structure of language, but in, then Audrey came along and I feel like half the scripts I say these days are just from her and what she did to me. Yay, Audrey, who's here? But she, I'll give you one that was a great example of this.

1:01:07Because she, when I went back to Los Angeles after having met Audrey, I then started to drift. And we weren't in a relationship. We were just two people that liked each other. And we would text. And then gradually my texts became more and more sparse. And eventually, I think it had been a couple of weeks. It had already been a bit sparse. and then it had been a couple of weeks since we'd spoken. And I sent her a message that said either, I can't remember which, it either said, I miss you or I'm thinking of you. And she sent me a message back that said, hey, I hope you're well. To be honest, when you send me things like that, I don't really know what to say, which is a great start.

1:01:57I don't really know what to say. yeah i'm confused is what that line says she said um we haven't really been that close for a while now and rightly or wrongly um this message comes across as a bid for attention

1:02:16That stung firstly because it was true, but if you look at that when she says we haven't been that close for a while now what's pointing out is pointing that is pointing that the intimacy of what I just sent me. or the affection of what I just sent is completely out of sync with the temperature of our dynamic. If things have cooled down because you've not really been messaging or being that responsive, so things have cooled down and now you're sending me a hot message. I don't really know what to say to that because we haven't been that close for a while now. Then when she said rightly or wrongly, this message comes across as a bid for attention.

1:03:02That even that is a very like powerful language structure, because what you're saying is I might be wrong. Yes. In which case, like it's almost like the subtext is you're more than welcome to prove me wrong. Yes. But rightly or wrongly, it comes across as a bid for attention. She didn't say you're being an attention seeker who's noncommittal and blah, blah, blah, full of shit. She said it comes across as a bid for attention. I might be wrong but that's how it's reading and when you send that it for me immediately I was like I caught myself and not everyone will be this self-aware some people will or some people will catch themselves and then double down and try and like win you over in that moment which is something you have to be very careful of when you set a standard is that if someone tries 10 times harder to win you over right now, you can't get too excited about that.

1:04:00Because that might be for them just a way of bringing you back in. It's about consistency. It's kind of, it's almost like you have to be able to say to someone, it doesn't matter what you do today. You can, if you want to pick up the phone and call me, hey, let's have a nice conversation. It'd be nice to chat. But there's nothing you can do today that is going to suddenly make me go back to the temperature we had three weeks ago or two months ago or six months ago that's a temperature i'm going to come back to slowly because of your consistency from this point forward very very important if someone can just come back and rush you with a bunch of affection and then you suddenly come straight back up to where you were before then i know oh that's all it that's all it takes That's all it takes.

1:04:50Yeah. And by the way, the other thing you can't do is if I went cold on her, if I was like, because this is what actually happened. I did. And I think this is really, really important for people. I did not go, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. Let's be together. I went, oh, I am being an attention seeker right now. I don't have any more to give. So I'm going to back off. did you actually text that or that's what was going through your head like how did you remember why i texted i but it was i i think it was i probably wasn't a very exciting response right i think it was just like there was a some version of i got it yeah like and i and i genuinely backed off and i also learned oh i can't i can't do that with this person like i and again there was nothing malicious in it but it's just i'm right now i'm being i was just doing something for me because i wanted to i was feeling lonely or i wanted a hit of connection but i can't do that here yes she wants something different than i am providing yes what she didn't do is on day three of me leaving it alone go so what are you up to today because that's the other mistake people make is oh it didn't work you backed off i miss you so i'm now going to text you and all someone learns there is that oh there's this was not a standard you had it was a tactic and there's a huge giant difference between standards and tactics tactic is something i do to get a result and if it doesn't work i just change it yeah because there's no real substance to it.

1:06:35It's just whatever works. A standard is something you uphold, even if it doesn't get the result because it's who you are and it's what you expect. Juicy. Like I hate saying that word. I just hate that word, but that's the word that came to my mind. If I can make you say a word you hate, I'll be happy. Yes, you just did. Let's see if we can get some more. So I'm going to give you a few hypotheticals, okay? And see if anything comes to mind. So you catch the person you're dating in a lie they told you they were not interested in seeing other people but you see that that dating profile it is still active on the apps what do you say i think just pointing out the discrepancy between what you're seeing and what they've said is really valuable like hey i've i've it's made me feel strange strange is a good word strange is a good word isn't it yeah because it's not it has a neutrality to it in a way it's not accusatory and most of us can associate with it yeah exactly it's made me feel strange you um i know you said you weren't interested in seeing other people but you're still active on the dating app and um it's made me you know i it's made me feel strange and it's made me feel a little unsafe because i've been you know i'm very conscious about who i give my energy to and i've been giving like some of my best energy to you on the basis that we're actually giving this a try and that doesn't mean we have to know what it is right now whatever but it you know i'm i'm going on the basis that we're actually seeing what this could be and i'm taking you at your word that you aren't interested in seeing other people if that's not the case that's okay it's not a crime for you to want to see other people but i really need to know that so i can reevaluate what i'm giving to this situation that is what what i like about that is it's it's all you it's all your power yeah it's there's nothing about it that's saying to someone like i'm waiting for you or you know i don't know what to do about this or i'll take whatever scraps you give me it's what it's saying is what i have to offer is very valuable so i'm very careful about who i give it to and i need to know if it's firstly it's okay if you want to see other people that's valuable right because it's not you're not judging them correct you're not turning them into a villain yep you're saying it's totally okay if you want to see other people i respect that but i need to know if that's what you're really feeling because it would make me reevaluate what I'm giving to this and the energy I'm putting into it.

1:09:27So that that's, uh, I think it would be a powerful frame to come from. I love that. Okay. You ready? Keep going. I got lots of these. Cause I got lots of them. Okay. Um, okay. So let's say you've been casually seeing someone, but you don't know where you both stand. It's like that exclusivity kind of convo. How would you start opening that up to ask? There's a number of ways you could do that. You know, one of them is, look, I'm having such a great time with you. It's so much fun, so much fun every time we're together. But I've realized recently, when people ask me out, I don't know what to tell them.

1:10:04You know, I don't have an answer because we haven't talked about, you know, what this is or whether we're really giving this, you know, a try to see what it is. and then let it hang out there like let them contribute to that that's big what do you think oh like where where's your head with that where where's your head at with things you know it's you're you're inviting them to the conversation and you're doing it from a point of view of i'm not going to be on the market forever i'm you know it i realized if someone asked me out tomorrow i wouldn't know what to say to them um you know so again you're not coming as a you're not coming as a person asking for something you're coming as a person saying you know i i want to make sure i'm steering traffic i'm directing traffic in the right way um and uh and also a nice thing to do is to say i feel like we have something really like that's been so much fun i feel like we have something that's kind of cool um i know i wouldn't want to do anything that would harm that if it's leading somewhere that you know where we both want to see where it really goes so you know I feel like it's worth us having that conversations because it's you know I don't want to yeah I don't want to keep I don't want to go into the rest of my love life doing anything or you know inviting in anyone that would harm this if if this is going somewhere so good and also be intentional about like you know the fact that you are actually i'm you can even do it at the point of intimacy right if someone's trying to sleep with you you can say to someone i i always always bring the warmth and the playfulness and the sexiness like don't you don't have to tighten up and you don't have to right put up an arm and that shouldn't go out it shouldn't be like all of the fun's over right now because now we're having a hard conversation it should be like if someone's trying to have sex with you and you're like in your mind you're like i don't want to do this if it's just a bit of fun right then say to someone obviously this this between you and me would be amazing like that much is clear but i also know for me i'm like not in a place in my life where i want to do that with someone where it's not actually you know because we really like each other and we want to see where it's going if you're not in if if you know like you don't want to see where it's going let's not do this we'll just we don't have to yeah um but you know that's important to me because i'm being really intentional in my love life yeah that's a powerful place to come from and there's no like sucking the air out of the room yes by doing that it's still like you're still you're still nodding to the fact that obviously you're two very sexy people who will have a great time if and when they do this yes no i love that and i feel like these are they're such important life skills you know they're really important every conversation with anyone that you work with any conversation you're traveling you're out in the world being able to broach into hard conversations from a space of curiosity a space of invitation, space of keeping that playfulness.

1:13:25Good words. I like those words. Really good. You know, they're, I want to acknowledge that they are, we call them hard conversations for a reason because they require a little bravery. They get easier. They do get easier. The more you are willing to embrace the kinds of conversations that maybe you used to avoid, the more you will build that muscle and it won't feel like this, you're trying to lift this ton weight of anxiety every time it gets easier but um in the beginning you have to be brave and and the the foundation for that bravery is being very clear about what's interesting to you and what's not interesting to you yes you have to go in with a real sense of that otherwise you'll you'll you know any pitch someone makes you you're liable to buy because you just don't know you don't you haven't really decided ahead of time what's interesting and what's not it's like you know and how many tv shows do i get pitched every year for that want me to go and do a tv show oh my god i was just thinking about that like i have never been a part of bachelor nation until they did the golden bachelor which i just found fascinating and then um josh and i started we just watched this last one and i literally we walk around our house going like so how are you feeling now because like we're mimicking the language of like so so where are we at today and what's going on with you?

1:14:43Do you know what I mean? But I was like, oh my God, I'm thinking as you were talking and I'm listening to you, I can't even imagine the pitches that come across your deck. So many. And I have to be clear about what's interesting to me and what's not, because otherwise it's just, oh, someone wants me to be on TV. And it's like, well, I guess, well, let's try and find a way to think that this is okay. But meanwhile, you know, nine out of 10 things that come across my desk are horrible they're horrible yes and i i have to know very clearly what's interesting to me before the fact because otherwise it can get too seductive some of those pitches start you start finding a way to like them yes even though they go completely against your character or what your tastes your life plan your priorities that's exactly all those things um I do want to hit one thing before I want to go to not only I think what was probably the most powerful thing for me in your book.

1:15:38And I never thought I'd like this topic. And you were the first one to really go like, whoa, this is the first time I resonate with this. But let's say someone does have the courage to have one of these hard conversations. Right. And of course, we're going to set them up. There's scripts. There's all that good stuff. There's that chance that things are not going to go that well. Yeah. You know that the person could for whatever reason, even if you had great delivery, even if you came with that playful energy even if you were clear your heart's in the right place there were all the invitations people are people they're gonna react the way they do um what should you do if it just takes a left turn and you're like that did not go as i takes a left turn because you feel like you blew the conversation or because they it just did not go the way you'd hoped it went that the second ladder um you have to take responsibility for the fact that you've actually done something you've you stated your needs yes and that someone has revealed themselves to be the wrong person to meet those needs yes that's you have to start like there's always people who go away from my events and they'll they'll say you know i i went and had a standards conversation with the guy and he broke up with me and we're like yeah that's what i'm doing in my head cheering right but they're thinking like it went wrong right like i did it wrong or you sold me the wrong freaking yeah like i wish i hadn't because i still have them in my life right now or whatever and it's like yeah no you what you were hanging on to wasn't real you just learned exactly what it actually was and and i'd like you to get out of this rhetoric of he broke up with me because you decided today was the day that you wanted to go and have that conversation.

1:17:29You didn't decide it six months ago or a year ago. You decided today was the day. Why did you decide today was the day? It's because some part of you, yes, you had high hopes for it going well, but some part of you was also ready for it not to go well. Some part of you had decided that no matter what, you were going to get an answer. So stop this. He broke up with me. You broke up with him. You did it under the guise of a standards conversation, but you broke up with him and actually if you start taking some ownership for that you will start to become much more powerful in your own mind then i went and asked for something and then they dumped me no you you went and today you went and you ended the relationship by asking for something someone couldn't give you that's it that's it you didn't have to ask today so why did you ask today because some part of you was was ready for the consequences of that you wrote and i love this you lose nothing by communicating the right relationship is one where things get better when you communicate if your relationship gets worse off when one of you speaks your truth you're in the wrong relationship and i cannot agree more i mean you know josh and I certainly don't have perfect communication.

1:18:56And sometimes, man, I fuck it up. He fucks it. Like we both do. You know what I mean? Where it's like, goes off the rails. And even though we have pretty good tools, forget to use them sometimes. But we always come back and it gets deeper. You know what I mean? And stronger. And it was like, okay, great. Now I understand more of who he is and more of what's going on and more of how to be a better partner. And now he understands more of my liars and all that stuff. So it doesn't have to look cute. and it doesn't have to go perfectly. But if you can't be real and have an honest conversation about really tough stuff and the relationship doesn't get stronger, it's like, that's a wrong relationship.

1:19:35It's a hostage situation. It really is. It really is. It is. Because you're saying it only works as long as I don't voice the things that are really on my mind. It's like you're walking on eggshells. And that for anyone who's experienced any version of that in their early childhood, the worst, which I have, the worst programming to feel like you have to walk on eggshells. That's the worst. And there's no law that says that if you didn't say it perfectly, you can't go back and say, Hey, yesterday, I feel like I was a bit emotional. I said it in this way. What I really meant was this. And I stand by this thing that I said, that is really important to me.

1:20:14And I, you know, that is something that needs to change. But yesterday, when I brought it to you, I brought it to you in a way that wasn't productive. And I'm sorry for that. Like, there's no law stopping you from doing that. And if someone if you do that, and someone says to you, you know what? No, no, now that you've done that yesterday, and you said it in that way. That's it. Like, what? Yeah. What kind of relationship is that? Yes. So it's you can go back and you can sculpt the thing you said over and over and over and and by the way when you do that the right person looks at that and says wow that's it's gorgeous yes there's humility like they can look at themselves and go that was the part of the conversation i didn't do very well but this is the part that is still important to me and i want to separate the two yes that's a you know that's a very attractive grown-up thing to be able to do and you know people respect the humility it takes to be able to do that.

1:21:18The right people do anyway. They definitely do. Okay. So one thing before I, before I thank you bigly for, for something that you wrote that really made an impact, um, something that made me laugh my buns off. I need to find it in my notes. Oh my God. This, this made me laugh because, um, I like feelings you write following my feelings all the time is usually a bad idea. If I did that, I'd probably go to the gym seven more times in my entire life. And sometimes people are like, Marie, but I'm not feeling this. I'm like, your feelings, dude. Like you, you got to make your commitment stronger than your moods.

1:21:53And I'm a very intuitive, emotional being. I cry on the show all the time. You know what I mean? Like that feelings are super important. Um, but that made me laugh so hard because you know, feelings can get us in trouble. So if you want to unpack that for a moment. And I thought you had like a really great question to ask instead of following feelings, I'll tee it up for you. Is this a thing that once it's over makes me say, I'm really glad that I did that or on the flip side, you know, I'm really glad that I didn't do that. Yeah. I had a woman on my retreat who she said that she basically had a pattern of going home with guys on the first date and having sex and she said it just left me feeling awful at the end of it every time i i would wake up and i would feel bad and i wouldn't you know i wouldn't like the version of myself that had done that i felt weird if it didn't go anywhere it then really affected my self-esteem so but but what she felt at the end of the date was i like this guy i want to please him i'm also horny.

1:23:02Let's go home together. Like that's what she felt. Those were her feelings in the moment. Yes. But it was a thing that every time she did it afterwards, she didn't say, I'm so glad I did that. Right. She said, why did I do that again? Yes. And you have to pay attention to those things because your feelings are not always valid. They're not. And you should not always trust them. I mean, I've gotten myself not, I've actually been pretty good with this, but there's definitely times in my life where um I feel like my Italian nature comes out like when people piss me off I'm like oh you know it's like a keep me away from keyboards phones do you know what I mean because mama's gonna go off and at the few times when I didn't have that self-restraint I was like god damn it do you know because I can't take back that text or I can't take back that email it was like those feelings were real but I should not have been listening to them no and and the the the thing I say in the book, this is all in a section for anyone who gets it.

1:23:59There's a chapter called, um, how to rewire your brain, which is, I think one of the most important chapters in the whole book, but it, I talk about the importance of following your path, not your feelings. And your path is that thing you've decided on is really, really important to you. And when you've got a really clear sense of what that is, you don't just, you don't just stray from your path because someone comes along and makes you feel a lot intensely which by the way some of the worst people are some of the best at making you feel the most intense things so you don't just stray from your path because you feel that you stick to your path no matter what and that that's also it doesn't just become a way that you learn to trust yourself which is something most people have to learn to do especially in their dating lives is the reason they're afraid is because they don't trust themselves they know i'm gonna if i meet someone i like i'm gonna give my life over to this person and they can destroy me you know they don't trust themselves to be able to walk away when it's not right when they're not being treated well when their needs aren't being met so it's we we build trust in ourselves when we follow our path not our feelings we also gain the respect of other people because people realize that they can't they can't just come along and have an impact on you and manipulate your emotions and take you away from something that's important to you by doing it and you always know when someone strayed from their path and into their feelings when they're telling you something that doesn't make a lot of sense it's like they're trying to justify what it is they're doing so you know I had a woman say to me you know I've got this guy and we keeps you know we really like each other and we have an amazing connection and by the way anytime someone starts with that I always know there's like a giant butt coming and uh and she said you know but we're both like we're both really busy entrepreneurs and it's really hard to see each other so um you know it's it's it's really hard to have a real relationship And I was like, so you, because I'm like, I've been working with people for 17 years of my life in their love lives.

1:26:18Almost never does someone find someone they really like, feel enamored with them and go, I'd have a relationship if only it weren't for this damn business.

1:26:31Never. Never. Yes. Never. so I was like so is I think I said to her is that like be honest with me is that you talking like is it is it really that you're just busy and you can't find time for this relationship that's supposedly so great or is it that he has said that and you're now kind of repeating it to me because it's scarier to say to him well I have a business too but I'm actually prepared to make space and time for this relationship do you know i'd like you two as well if we want to continue and she said yeah it's that one like he he i know he feels this way and it's been easier to tell my friends like that we're both really busy and whatever and it was very honest with her yeah but that's a time where she's not following her path she wants to find a relationship but she's her feelings for him are strong and so now she's co-opted his excuse yeah for not wanting a relationship and passing it off as her own because it's easier than the truth that she's afraid to have a hard conversation yeah yeah i want to talk about two words you're the first person to describe it in a way that i actually agree with and don't like roll my eyes so congratulations there it's uh self-love oh i thought you were going a different direction Oh, see, surprising.

1:28:00I thought there was another two words you weren't going to agree with. Self-love. It's just, and again, it's just like, I have such, I have like a cynical being that this is, you know, when I first discovered the whole world of coaching, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is my path. There is simultaneously this huge voice in my head. I was also like 22. It's like, are you freaking kidding? This is like the dumbest, cheesiest thing ever. It was like super judgmental, super cynical. So that's alive in me. And so every time I just see the word self love, I'm just like, Oh, like literally the eye rolls, even though like it's strange.

1:28:35So this is what you wrote. It's like going through life, trying to hand off the job we're supposed to do to someone else. And the job description is simple to actively love and nurture ourselves. You're right. This topic has been an obsession for me because it's one of the biggest things I've struggled with. So I'm so curious how so, and then I'm happy to tell you, um, you know, my, my reflections on why that hit me so hard. I never, um, vibed with anything that was about telling myself how special I was. Um, it just never, it never, it never spoke to me. I, I never felt, um, you know for me that the same ego that could tell me I'm special was a the the very ego that a day later could tell me that you're the worst yeah yeah and that I'm failing and that nobody likes me and that I'm gonna burn it all to the ground totally like it doesn't it didn't that like didn't feel like it was my friend yeah it felt like the thing that it was just this double-edged sword that sometimes made me, pumped me up and made me feel great and other times cut me.

1:29:44And so I just could never get on board. None of the answers people gave when they, all I kept hearing for many years was self-love's really important. And I went, that seems fair. Yeah. But on what basis are you loving yourself? Like when you say self-love, what do you mean? Why should you love yourself? And then the answers people would give me for that made me check out because they'd say, well, because we're special. I say, well, they say we because we deserve it. And I'd be like, but why do you deserve it? What do you mean you deserve self? I don't get it. And then they go, well, because I'm a good person, because I'm loving, because I'm, you know, generous to my family, because they start giving me reasons why they should love themselves.

1:30:38And for me, I'd be like, well, there's so much vulnerability in that because you're not those things all the time. Totally. So if you love yourself because of all these great attributes, what do you do on the days where you don't exhibit them? Absolutely. Are you not, is the message that you shouldn't love yourself on those days? Right. And by the way, even on the days where you're doing them well, what about when you come across someone who does them even better? Are they more deserving of love than you? So we're back into comparison and we're back into beating ourselves up when we're not getting a perfect score in life.

1:31:08Yeah. Which was always the reason I was horrible to myself. Yes. Was because I was never getting a perfect enough score to make me feel good enough about myself. Yeah. So this is not where it's at. Like, I'm sorry, this is a broken model. And then people would say, well, I love myself because I'm special. And you say, why are you special? Yes. Isn't everyone special? You know, you or are you saying kind of in a sort of almost narcissistic way? Like, no, no, no. You are very special. Everyone else are the serfs. Right. But you're really special. No, no, no. Everyone. They would say everyone's special.

1:31:44I'd say, well, if everyone's special, I don't feel that special anymore. Do you? and they'd be like well and i they would sense that there were all these trap doors in the question and i wasn't trying to be difficult i was really trying i think that we are very intelligent and our brains if we can't round the logic our brains will go we might post on instagram and say self-love blah blah blah is really important but internally we're like nonsense yeah so i so i would i would then realize okay this this is trying to follow a romantic model for how we love ourselves which doesn't work the romantic the way we fall in love with other people is never going to work for ourselves we are not like in greek mythology narcissist took a look at himself in a pool of water and instantly fell in love for the rest of us we don't find it that easy 99 of us we're struggling to even like ourselves let alone love ourselves so we're not going to this idea that we're going to fall in love with ourselves it's not going to happen if familiarity breeds contempt then who would we have more contempt for than the person we've been around every waking moment our entire life the person we take for granted, the person we're bored of, the person whose tricks we all know already, the person whose mistakes and regrets and shames we are more aware of than anyone else in the world.

1:33:16What emotion is there room for other than contempt? So we need a different model. And that's why I started saying in the book, self-love needs a rebrand. And to rebrand it, we need to start adopting a different model for self-love in the first place. And where I found that model originally was, I looked at it in a bunch of different places and I found it in some really interesting places. One place I found it is the parent-child relationship because I would find if I asked parents, why do you love your child? Almost none of them would say, well, they got an A in math yesterday and they did this really cute thing this morning and they don't do that they go i love what are you talking about i love them because they're mine it's my child it's like it's almost a question that doesn't compute it's like you're an idiot for even asking it's my child what are you talking about i would see that model in other places too i'd see it in like some siblings have it he's my brother what are you talking he doesn't need to do anything today he's my brother it's my blood i love him you sometimes saw it in the child stuffed toy relationship where you'd have a stuffed rabbit and it didn't matter like that rabbit could have been beat up dropped in a thousand puddles and that child if you said i'm going to exchange this rabbit for you for a much newer more expensive rabbit with all of its fluff still in its seams that child would be like what are you talking this is my rabbit you're not taking my rabbit it's my rabbit has nothing to do with the attributes of that rabbit it's just his rabbit her rabbit i even would think about it in terms of sometimes people with their pets you see some really ugly dogs like proper yeah like they look like they shouldn't exist uh-huh missing teeth just no fur oh that's mine i have a bald tongue hanging out the side.

1:35:16Just weird little things. Yeah. You come near it. You'll get punched in the face. Right. If I said to you, I've got a really handsome stately dog with all hair. I'll swap it out. You'd be like, what are you talking about? This is my dog. And so it, it, that became a really enlightening thing for me. Cause I went, Oh, I already know what that kind of love looks like. Yes. I've just been applying the wrong model of self-love. So, okay how do we apply that model to ourselves well out of eight billion people on this world here's where we get it all wrong we think i have to figure out a way to feel special in a world of eight billion people good luck there are some really impressive people out there but what if you didn't need to think you were special what if you didn't need to find any reason to think that you matched up to anyone or that you had something they don't or that it evens the score because they're really sporty but you're really intelligent it's like screw all of that then you've just got a problem when you run into somebody's more intelligent what if out of eight billion people what was special is not how unique you are what's special is that you're the only one who has the job of looking after the human that is you that at birth you were given a human and you didn't know it at the time because you were too young and it became somebody else's job for a while to keep you alive they may or may not have done a good job but it was that it was someone else's job but what no one told you is that at a certain point when you came of age it was now your job to take full custody of this human and you have one job that's it one job your job is to make this human being as happy as you can and to give them the best life that you can and to try to help them to fulfill the best of what they're capable of achieving or doing or becoming that's your only job this is your human you can't exchange this human for another one you're lucky you even got a human in the first place so your only job is to give this human the best life you can when you realize that when you take that model suddenly you realize you don't need to like yourself in order to love yourself loving yourself comes first because loving yourself is not a feeling you don't need to feel anything you don't need to think you're special it's irrelevant your job is to love yourself as an approach and that approach that that shift meant oh i know how to love myself today because i have to love myself as a verb i have to love myself as a job as an action as an approach that for me changed everything and you again liking yourself can come later right in a parent child relationship many of the fruits of that relationship will come later yeah that child will realize later on all of the little things that the parent did for them and the the relationship goes sweet grows sweet sweeter with every realization but we may not realize the things we're doing for ourselves today or we may we may come to realize all of the beautiful things we've done for ourselves but right now except you may be parenting a child yes you may be parenting a stroppy teenager but it doesn't mean you can't love yourself and and that's the that's changed my entire relationship with self-love from something that felt impossible for me and frankly often felt insulting to my intelligence yeah that's how it was that's why my cynical was like yeah but it turned it into something i knew exactly how to do i knew how to love myself as the beat up you know bunny with fluff coming out of its ears and all sorts of wounds you know i was like oh i this is my human i gotta give this human a great life and that that becomes actually kind of fun because you stop judging yourself oh my god i loved it so much that was like, you know, when I finished the book, by the way, everyone, you need to get your hands on this puppy.

1:39:49Cause it is phenomenal. Um, that was part of the book. It had an instant paradigm shift within me because I knew it exactly. And I think, you know, you and I probably share this bunch of DNA on, on several levels. And, and, and one of those pieces, it's just like, I'll describe it in my terms, like just that self punishing in terms of not enough, not a, you know, it's just relentless. and I was like wow when I read this like I know so intrinsically Kuma my um partially hairless dog he's got a party in the front you know nothing in the back he looks in the mirror and thinks he's fabulous everyone's like what happened is he dying I'm like so are you um anywho but I know intrinsically what to do to love on that dog and even with Josh it's like so like oh I know how to love on this human like it's it's a verb that it's so I don't want to say easy but it's so instinctual but i think it's pretty rare for me to turn that on myself and it was such a great i was like oh my gosh it was like an operating system got installed yeah like a new one it was really fresh because nothing else is really nothing else is really a given you may take on the job of loving another human being yes you may take on the job of loving someone romantically um and by the way the you know people sometimes think well can i love another person that unconditionally and And the truth is you can get very close.

1:41:13Yeah. The only condition that remains though is I can't continue to love you if it stops me doing my job. Yes. If loving you is incompatible with taking care of the human that I'm supposed, my number one job is to take care of this human. If this gets in the way of me being able to do that job, then I can't continue to have you in my life. That's the condition. Yes. everything else you could go very very deep loving someone beyond their traits beyond the things that they think make them impressive and you can love them on a kind of for want of a better word a kind of like soul level a human level but but the one condition is it can't get in the way of my job and of course many abusive relationships and many relationships where there were pathological liars or people who gaslight them or people invalidate their needs all the time or that that becomes a relationship where loving that person is fundamentally incompatible with being able to do that job.

1:42:19Yes. Your one job. Thank you for doing that deep work and for putting it in the book. Really. Thanks for acknowledging it and noticing it because there's a lot in this book that I'm really, really, really proud of. But I'm really proud of that part. And I hope that it can, I've worked on it for many many years to refine it to the level that I have I mean as you know simple ideas take years to arrive at yes um but um but I hope that it can really change a lot of people's relationships with themselves because I think it's a real route it's easy to say we need to change our relationship with ourselves but I think very few places give us real practical ways of thinking about that and doing that.

1:43:06And I've faced all these same things myself. Everything that anyone could come across as a struggle in their love life or in their ability to love themselves, I have come across so many of these things myself. And in this book, this is me working these things out for myself as well. Yeah. Yeah. You did a brilliant job. Thank you. I've got cues from the audience if you still got a little juice in you. I'm game. You good? Let's do it. All right. Amazing. And we can fast fire these. So don't feel like, you know, because I actually, so many came in that my organizational brain, I put them into categories.

1:43:44So I'm going to start with finding the one. I'm going to say a few and then you just answer because we've really answered so much of these in the conversation. Will I ever find true love? How do I increase the odds? How do I stay hopeful that we can meet a soulmate and have a family in our forties? And the last one, how do you know when you found the one or when to go for marriage? these are all in the realm of finding the one oh my god so many big questions there so let's let me see if i can rapid fire these one by one what was the first one will i ever find true love and how do i increase the odds um so well you're being proactive about creating opportunity very very important so that's literally if you think of nothing else just think of going out into the world and being an atom that needs to collide with other atoms are you creating enough collisions right now that's a very very important thing um but you'll also find the right one faster if you say no to the wrong one quicker so you have to get good at saying no at the same time as you're creating opportunities because opportunities are not just going to bring you more of a chance that you meet the right person they're also going to bring you more of the wrong people and you're going to have to get very good at disqualifying people along the way if person if the right person for you is number 15 it's a crude way of looking at it but if they're number 15 and you need to get through the next 14 well if you spend three years on each one of these you may never get to this person but if you can zip through those 14 a lot faster you're going to get to 15 at a completely different rate.

1:45:26So that proactivity and the ability to say no faster are two big ones. If you want to find love faster, it's a numbers game. I think about that in business too. And I'm always telling people like that. I'm like, you're not talking enough people. You're not getting enough nose because you're never going to get to those yeses. How to stay hopeful that we can meet our soulmate and have a family in our forties. Well, firstly, um, you better have a plan B. You better know what your plan B is. That starts, I wrote a whole chapter on this book called The Question of Having a Child. And I have no business writing this chapter, other than the fact that I cannot, I, you can't have a conversation, especially for women about their love lives, without addressing that fundamental question.

1:46:12Because the thing that for so many women has them making bad decisions is the feeling of wanting to have a child wanting to have a family and feeling like time is slipping away and then panic buying a relationship as a result and all of the problems that come with that so the hardest conversation we've talked about this is the one you have to have with yourself and in that area what i have seen time and time again and it's not just me speaking in this chapter i interview uh two um top level doctors one uh one of the very recognized person in the fertility field and another person who is a stanford surgeon who got egg freezing because it she was weighing up her options as someone with a very very involved career um but what i have seen over and over again is that people are not figuring out what's my plan B if plan A doesn't work out and plan A might be like I meet someone this afternoon they're the love of my life and two years from now we're having kids that might be plan A but if plan A doesn't happen how important is it to you to still have a child and you you really need to have a good answer for that question by the way even if the answer is I don't know well the i don't know can make you take action because you might then say well i'm gonna have i'm gonna freeze my eggs or i'm gonna do something that at least buys me a little more time and by the way i say this in full knowledge of the price that that is for people of the uh hormonal impact for so many people that it's for some it's like it meant nothing to them it was easy and for others it's terribly difficult absolutely it's invasive so i don't say any of that lightly but it's still always a calculation yes what options do i want to create for myself if i don't know how what's my like date to know by is there any way i can extend my timeline for my own indecision because sometimes the cliche is it's men's indecision and but a lot of women i work with they also are in a state of indecision about how badly they want it or when they want it Is it my voice that wants this or is it societal pressure?

1:48:35I don't know. Very challenging for a lot of people. But what's my plan B? If I really do want a child, what's my plan B? Am I going to do this by myself? If I find out at some point I can't do it by myself, do I think I'll adopt? Is that an option that I could see myself doing? None of these are easy options. Raising a child on your own isn't an easy option. Adopting isn't an easy option. None of them are. That's not the point. The point is having the conversation with yourself. And getting to a point where you know, what's the plan B that I'm willing to make my new plan A? If plan A gets taken off the table.

1:49:12And at what point do I take plan A off the table for myself proactively? Because I've got to a point where I'm no longer going to put this in somebody else's hands. I refuse. if this is something that I've decided is fundamental to my happiness, to my blueprint of the way I want my life to go, I refuse to past a certain point, continue to put that in somebody else's hands. I'm taking it into my own hands. And when you do that, there's a freedom, even when you come back to plan A, because now if plan A is meeting someone, well, you can go out and meet someone from a much more relaxed place because you're not on a date going I need you you're on a date going well I'm trying to find someone that could fulfill plan a with me but I'm ready to divert to plan b when I need to and this is a rule of life in general but when when it's time to go to plan b what we have to do is resolve as and and this is an aggressive and creative act but we resolve to make plan B so beautiful that we can't even imagine it not happening.

1:50:24We can't imagine plan A having happened because plan B was so good. And if plan B can't happen, then you do plan C and you resolve to make plan C so stunningly beautiful that you wouldn't have wished for anything else. That's our job. And that's, so when someone says, how do I remain hopeful in my 40s I'm I'm like you don't need hope if you have a plan and if you know what yes plan a would be nice don't give up on it but what's plan b c d and e and then it's not about how do I maintain hope it's I've got myself covered I'm going to be happy no matter what one of these options I go with I don't know which one yet that's part of the fun of life is I don't know which one I'm going to go out and aggressively date and find, you know, an amazing person and do all of that and go for plan A.

1:51:17But, you know, it might be that plan B is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but I'm going to make that decision now. I'm not going to, I'm not going to let that sneak up on me. How do you know when you found the one? I think, uh, if you feel more of yourself around that person than you have around, uh, anyone before that, I think that to me is one of the surest signs that was my tell yeah after like so many different experiences being with josh i was like whoa i am i feel like the me got turned up to a 25 yeah that's beautiful yeah and i think if you find someone that you are really you feel like like i said i called a friend when i was thinking of proposing to audrey i called a friend and i i called like two people whose opinions i really valued because I also was like marriage is not something I grew up thinking I must get married I needed to be sold on why marriage was had any value but the point of realizing oh I actually feel like getting married would be a really beautiful thing I called a friend I said I think I'm gonna propose and he said why and I said well I feel like I'm I'm ready to build something and I couldn't imagine a better builder than Audrey like that's I can't never come across someone who would build as well as she would with me so that you know it from that point on it felt very simple so I think it's who do I feel at home with and when I think of the vision I have for my life like who's going to make an amazing builder because that's what makes an amazing relationship I always say a plot, like when you find someone you have a connection with, that's like a pretty plot of land.

1:53:05It's like maybe in an amazing part of the countryside. It may be an amazing spot in the city, whatever. It's a plot of land. A relationship is not a plot of land. A relationship is two people building something on that plot of land. And if you don't have a builder, it doesn't matter how much potential the plot of land has. You don't have anything. so you know and that that for me knowing that she was an amazing builder and that she was committed to building with me was like huge that was it yeah ghosting guy is ghosting sometimes after a first trip together what do i do oh my god look at the the you realize you didn't whatever you thought about that person there is more like you saw the tip of the iceberg and what you're now seeing is even though they're not telling you they're just showing you through their actions you're seeing what's beneath the surface it doesn't make them you know it's a particularly nasty thing to do to someone um but it it doesn't make them evil it makes them someone who's capable of really horrendous behavior and you you know the people get so focused on it's very natural to go there must be something so wrong with me for someone to just completely ghost me after having spent this amazing time together what it makes us feel like we're worthless but it is absolutely a reflection of the way they handle life and you you better pay attention not to what this says about you because it that someone could come and tell you i'm i'm not interested in continuing it but when someone ghosts you especially i'm i'm not so like after a first date i don't know if ghosting is the appropriate term if someone doesn't message you after that if you message them and they just never text you again then that's ghosting if neither person texts the other one i've heard people say to me they ghosted me and i'm like did you text them and they're like no like so you like what how did that person ghost you it's not like you sent anything um but when someone goes on a trip with you and then you follow up and they ignore you then it's really it's really selfish and nasty behavior and um and it's a reflection of how they handle life yeah and i say like what should i do is like i'm saying delete them i'm saying get it out.

1:55:43Oh yeah, for sure. Because you can't, you can't have someone in your life whose response to an uncomfortable emotion. Cause that's what it is, right? Yeah. I don't want to see you again for whatever reason. And instead of telling you that I'm just going to ignore you. Yeah. Oh, it's cowardly. That's your, what you're seeing is their response to an uncomfortable emotion. And that's a, that should be a deeply disconcerting and scary response to an uncomfortable emotion remember in a relationship like we've been talking about you're both going to have a lot of uncomfortable emotions over time yes so the person you're with you're not just with the person you're with you're you're you're deciding to spend a life with that person's response system to uncomfortable emotions and if that's their response system to uncomfortable emotions imagine how miserable your life would be i'm like running like i see visuals of gifts just like run for the door.

1:56:40And it's funny too. I, I so appreciate you because you're so, you're so good at what you do. And it's like, there's so much empathy and compassion. I'm like, girl, done. I'm like, just let's get out. Oh, let's, let's next, next, next. Um, should I tell my feelings to somebody who clearly likes me, but pulls away? What does that mean? I think here's my interpretation that like, Oh, he's interested, but he's probably one of those people that emotionally either shuts down or removes the attention. And she's curious if she should express that she's really liking him, or perhaps she's wondering if this is a red flag, a behavior that it's like, yeah, not so much.

1:57:17Well, this is only relevant if he's asking for things. In other words, if he comes to you every Friday and says, do you want to do something this weekend? Then you have leverage. If he's not asking for anything, there's no leverage here. It's like the number of times someone is not i speak to someone and the person they're talking about isn't reaching out to them and they're going what should i do there's nothing to do you can't do something with nothing yes this person's not asking for anything when that when someone comes to you and texts you when i sent audrey a message said thinking of you that was in a that was a version of asking for something yeah i'm saying text me back let's have a moment right but if someone's not texting you they're not asking for anything so there's no you don't need to worry live your life that situation if if he keeps coming back and saying like hey i'd like to see you what you're up to this weekend then you say to someone look i i would like to see you but i feel things are so inconsistent with you where one minute you want to see me and the next i kind and don't hear from you for five days or you pull away.

1:58:28And, um, that's not the kind of energy that I want in my life. You know, I want to be around people that are consistent and show up for me and, you know, are, are a consistent and reliable presence in my life, especially in my love life where I want to meet and create something special with someone. So that's, that's what I would say to that person. Yeah. You're so good. Okay. If there was one thing that you wanted to leave everyone with today what would it be i think we're in uh three relationships for our whole lives one is our relationship with other people the other is our relationship with ourselves and the third is our relationship with life itself and um And that last one is a real pain because you can't get out of any of these relationships, right?

1:59:27Until the day you die, you're going to be in all three of them. When you try to love life, it doesn't always love you back. And it can just bring problem after problem, challenge after challenge, whether it's health. whether it's family, whether it's heartbreak, whether it's the chronic pain of never even having someone to break your heart because you haven't met anyone. You know, there are so many people out there that look at their lives today and their lives don't resemble the life they thought or hoped they would have at this point.

2:00:15this that's hard life is hard and and and I think that there is a very

2:00:26i want to say western brand of self-growth that is i think that so often it ignores just how life is and it's really easy to like it's really easy to forget how hard life is for so many people and And how, you know, in love, there are people that get to a point in their life where they just feel invisible. Where they feel like, I am, you keep talking about what to do on a date. I'm not even close to finding a date. I don't, no one shows any interest in me. Nothing's happening for me. I had a woman say to me, you know, all this talk of raising your standards, if I didn't let go of my standards and just date people casually and accept casual hookups, I'd never have anything.

2:01:34Nothing would ever happen for me. This woman said I tried having standards for a while, for years, and I was alone. At least I have more fun this way. you know that's that's real life that's real life and i um i've been through some very dark times in my life and one of the privileges of my work and i do count it as a privilege is that i have encountered people at some of the very very darkest moments of theirs and just the most horrific stories. The story in the book about a woman named Angela who got hit in her 20s by a drunk driver who just drove off and she not only did she suffer from feeling utterly worthless that someone could drive into her and then drive off but she lost a leg in the process um she lost functionality in various parts of her body she was told that she may never be able to walk again she was told that she'd never be able to have children um you know and and i've watched many many stories like hers where i i have seen people in the darkest darkest times create such magic in their lives and i that that for me has been one of the most inspiring i don't i can't think of anything more inspiring as people who uh find a way to make magic from where they are that is you know that i live for that I live for people who make magic from the most difficult situations or from sometimes the places of the greatest hopelessness um and and I always say to people that you don't have to be happy you just have to be happy enough and there's a big difference you know happy feels so when you when you're in the worst place of your life happy is the most unrelatable thing in the world but happy enough is an interesting place to come from because when you're happy enough you start to be able to find your footing again and in the last chapter of this book and i truly i so hope everyone reads it if for nothing else but this chapter i described to people that being happy enough is almost impossible when you're in terrible pain so so much of finding our footing again in life is getting to a place where we are managing our pain differently so that we can be happy enough so that we can then start to create magic again and and we're all capable of magic every single one of us it may sound cheesy to some people that and hopefully people listening to this know this no we believe in magic I'm a very rational logical person I'm not someone who uses uh you know a lot of spiritual and you know I don't veer into those territories because it doesn't resonate with me but magic is a word that resonates with me and um and I think people can anyone can create magic you just have to get to a place where you can find your footing again and i hope that this book helps people do that because that and that's why i called it how to raise your standards find your person and live happily no matter what because the no matter what is is as important as the finding love part that's right i want to i don't i want people to find love from this book and i truly believe if they follow this book they're going to find love a lot faster but life is just too short to um defer your happiness to a time when you'll have finally found everything you you're looking for it really is too short so yeah i hope it i hope people read this and they find themselves in it and they also find something that feels real that actually feels real that doesn't lie to them about how easy it is or or in any way invalidate how hard they have found it because it is hard but it's possible thank you so much for hanging out and having this great conversation and congratulations again i cannot wait for everyone to get their copy of love life and read it and use it thank you marie it's such a pleasure for anyone who wants to grab a copy um you can get them anywhere but if you go to lovelifebook.com um not only can you get it you know there's amazon links and barnes and noble and everything else there but if you come back to that site and put in your receipt there's a ticket waiting for you to an event I'm doing on May the 4th called find your person which is going to be really fun it's going to be a live coaching experience with me Audrey my wife is going to be there who's sitting back there and it's going to be an amazing accompaniment to the book so you'll get the book love life delivered to you but you'll also get the ticket to the event which is a virtual event.

2:06:54So you can join from wherever in the world. And that's at all at lovelifebook.com. Perfect. Thank you. Thanks, Marie. Come find me on Instagram. I'm at Marie Forleo and let me know. I love it when folks share screenshots of these episodes with their biggest takeaways. And I got to tell you, if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you're subscribed. And if you want to make my day in a huge way, leave us a positive review. They make a big difference as we plan future episodes. And of course they help more people find us. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that very special gift that only you have.

2:07:33Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time on the Marie Forleo Podcast.