400 - Is Stress Killing Your Sex Drive? w/ Dr. Emily Morse

24:18I love that. Thank you so much. And you know, anything important in our life, it is nuanced, right? There's no easy fixes. And if this is an area of your life where you're like, damn, like I need to turn it up again. Yeah. Your book is amazing for that. So speaking, we talked about the brain a little bit, but I love this. You said our brains are the largest sex organ and desire is really a mental game. So you talk about two types of desire, spontaneous and responsive. Can we unpack that distinction? So spontaneous desire, and I don't like to really gender things as much. We've come such a long way to say that men do this and women do this.

24:53However, typically, okay. So in a relationship where it's new, spontaneous desire is when we are in a new part of a relationship. And I like, we can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. We don't even think about sex because it's so frigging hot. That's spontaneous. That I'm spontaneously getting aroused and turned on. Like you are in your 20s. I didn't even know what was happening. Okay. That, that, and typically men have more of that. Again, it can wane in relationships, but they kind of might see their partner, get an erection. That's their sign. I'm ready to go. Responsive desire means that I'm responding to things in my environment, in my relationship that are going to turn me on.

25:35It's going to take a little bit of work. So for example, I'm in a relationship. I'm on my phone. I'm answering emails. It's really busy. And my partner walks in and he looks at me. He's like, let's like, oh my God, you look so hot. And I'm like, I didn't even see you walk in the room. There is no part of me that feels sexual right now. I mean, that would be, so I need some things to happen before I can get turned on. And this is where the pillars of the sex that could come into place. Well, what would I need? Okay. I look around my environment. The house is a disaster. There are dishes in the sink.

26:07I have not finished my work. It's, you know, cold. I haven't showered. I didn't work out today. Like, it's not happening, right? But if I know that, you know what, though? It is date night. So maybe like, or we have a date this week. I might say to my partner, tonight's not the night. But I think Saturday night could be a great time for us to go out and have sex. Then I have time to respond, knowing that we, and people think that scheduling sex is like the biggest buzzkill. It's not. You have to. I feel like Josh and I have had different rhythms where it's either sexy time Saturdays or sexy time Sundays.

26:42But the planner in me, it works. It works. Do you know why? Because it's like I can clean up. There's not other shit happening. The whole thing. I'm like, oh, give me, give this woman a task. And it's like, you know what I mean? Like I have a mission. Shit is on. So it's kind of like you're learning for me. It's like learning my own mechanism. Does that make sense? It's like my own mechanisms for if I have a challenge or there's something that I need to figure out in that sense and it becomes either like a game or I can plan for it and it's something, it sounds so weird, but this is just me. It's like something I can crush.

27:18I'm like, oh, I got this. Like I got this. No, but this is you, but this could be all of us. People who are stuck and going, it's over, it's abysmal. I'm telling you that we have to reverse engineer it. Then they go, okay, if sex is happening later, I'm responsive. So what are all the things that need to happen for me to be really turned on for sex when it does happen? So now we've like, for me, I need to like, again, we talked about the house, all the things, but I want to move my body that day. I want to make sure that maybe I've taken a bath, I've shaved, maybe I'm wearing something that makes me feel sexy.

27:50We've planned a date going somewhere that's sort of stimulating. Maybe it's, you know, music or a concert or a show where I'm dancing, I'm in my body. like that is going to make sure like that that is that night I'm going to feel the best I can out of all the knowledge I have myself when I've been the most turned on it's when I have a whole day it's a Saturday maybe I wasn't working and the sex is going to happen and so and and this is like I know we can't always build up like not every sex is going to be like I was able to do all of these things but if we at least have dialogue around it and we can say like I am not as spontaneous anymore.

28:25I'm going to require a few steps to happen. And even just having this conversation with your partner saying I'm more responsive. It's so healthy because again, then you troubleshoot with your partner. He's not going to feel rejected like you don't want, because what happens is when, so when we reject our partner, so in this moment, if I, my partner, I didn't have these conversations. I was like, we're not having sex tonight. No, I'm going back to work. Well, guess what? He walks away. He feels bad. He feels rejected. What have I done? she's not attracted to me I'm feeling terribly guilty yep I'm feeling like oh my god I wish I could why where's my desire it's dead inside right now oh I've made jokes I was like is it on a spaceship did it get shot out of the universe because you know what I mean I'm like I don't get it I don't get it yeah no but I'm like listen this happens to so many of us and that's why and we haven't even started with like we'll get to this but like we have to keep our own pilot light lit.

29:20So I used to think that my partner was responsible for my orgasm, that he, you stood out, he had to do everything to get me there. It was his job. And it kind of pisses me off too. Cause I was like, that was so nice to have to blame him to be like, it's his, his idea. He's not doing all the things. But so for, even for this date night, I need to do the things that are going to make me feel aroused and turn on. And so I, if I want to be in a sexual relationship and I do because also once you get going with sex, you're pretty glad you did it. You're like, oh. Yeah, you're like, this is the best thing ever.

29:54But it's like getting there is the hardest part. It's kind of like going to the gym. It is like going to the gym. Most of the time we don't want to do it. And once you're in it, you're like, this is awesome. Like I feel like so powerful and great and you leave and you're like skipping around. Yeah, exactly. No, it's the same thing. It's the same thing for sex. It's like, and even if like, you know, okay, so to get you to go to the gym, you're like, I'm going to lay out my shoes. yep i'm gonna sign up for a class yep because then they're gonna bill me if i don't show up for the class like i do all of these hacks and i get out the door so what for your sex if you decide and you schedule saturday night's the night you know or tuesday night or tuesday night and sexy time saturday thank you for sharing that because that that normal okay i'm gonna make sure that that all the days leading up to there i i know that sex is important and then what can we do to get in our bodies i have found that breath work even if i get in the shower and i do some really deep breathing because we have to connect to our bodies to awaken our sexual organs, our pelvic floor.

30:50Yes. That's where it's all living in there. And if it's dead inside, we're disconnected. So there are some exercises there too. Yeah. And I also think this is one thing I've heard you say, and I want to peel into it because I didn't realize this. I feel like I spent all of my 30s not knowing this and it wasn't really a thing, but it could have helped was lube. That everybody, I was just. Dude. Can we just talk about lube for a second? I brought you some. Oh, are you shitting me? No, no. I brought you a old gift package. Talk about the power of lube and just for everyone. Okay. I feel like I had a misconception in my brain.

31:24You do. Most people do. Most people do. So my misconception was this. Okay. I'm going to get to my 70s and then I'm going to start like bringing in the lube, right? Like put it on Amazon, subscribe, whatever. Not true. Not true. No. Okay. Talk to us. My dreamery is a lube on every nightstand. Okay. This is like, what was it? Was it Steve Jobs wanted like a Mac and wanted an apple on everyone's desktop? That's it. Or like a chicken in every pot with something like that. But now it's like lube on every nightstand. Lube on every nightstand. Let's go for it. Lube has gotten such a bad rap because like you said, we feel shame around it because, okay, the reason why lube helps is because our wetness level, like I could be really wet and not turned on.

32:10I can be turned on and not wet. And so lube is just a safety measure. When you add a few drops of lube to any sexual situation, and there have been studies, many studies that have shown this, that women are 80 % more likely to orgasm when you add just a few drops of lube because the clitoris is not self-lubricating, okay? We're not going to lubricate itself and it just feels good in all those nerve endings, okay? So we just need to understand that, that if you just add loop to your masturbation routine, your solo sex, your partner, it's going to change it. It's going to change the game. And men love it too.

32:42Okay. Because it's a guarantee. So the reason why there's shame around it though, is because again, we don't talk about sex. So let's say you're with a guy and he says, you know, oh, she's not wet. So I must've done something wrong. Right. Like clearly my penis didn't do the right thing. She's not turned on because we were told wet turned on. Then women feel bad. They're like, why aren't I wet? What happened to me? My body's broken. My body's broken. Something's wrong with me. So all this misinformation or literally zero information we get about our sexual health. Hopefully that's changing now and changing a little bit.

33:19Not as much as I'd like it to, but we are told that we should always be wet. But our wetness cycles change throughout the month with our menstrual cycles. So certain times a month, you're going to be wetter than others. you might take a medication that's preventing you from being as wet. So lube is just a safety measure. It's literally like, you know, when it's cloudy outside and you should still wear sunblock? Yes. It's kind of like that. Like lube is your safety measure. You might be wet. You might not be wet. You might be a little bit wet at the beginning, not at the end. It just makes everything smooth.

33:50And it's also preventative from UTIs, STIs. You can get tears when we're too dry. So yeah, like a lube is a safety measure. I love Playground. I brought you some. It's like a, it's a lubricant that I made that's safe for men and for women that has like all these feel-good. I call it like a facial for your vagina. Oh my gosh. It has like ashwagandha, black cohosh. It tastes good. It has an essence and it's like, it's a beautiful bottle. Bring it on. It's going to be on my nightstand. Literally tonight. I'm going to text you with my photo. Okay, text me. So this is big because I think that this is really important.

34:25You talk about the pleasure thieves. We talked about them a little bit, but I want to really call them out because this is big for us. You know, I just went through six months of fucking hell in my life with around like a family crisis. And I'm knocking on everything that we're kind of seeing the light of day, but I'm not taking off my row bar or my seatbelt yet because we don't know. So STS, stress, trauma, and shame. And how stress and pleasure just don't mix. So can you talk to us, like for anyone right now who may be in the trenches like I've been for the past six months, and thankfully again, Josh and I, our communication is so good and he's been so supportive.

35:07But I just remember in like these times of extraordinary trauma, extraordinary stress, it's like you can't beat yourself up. Yeah, you can. No. Let's give people permission too that like this whole notion that we should always be ready to turn on for sex, it's okay to take a pause. It really is. So like we, if your relationship is healthy, you're communicating like it's okay. No one's going to die without sex as long as you're communicating about it. The problem about it is when it lives in shame and it's shrouded in mystery. So I call these the pleasure thieves. And I actually start the book this way and people are like, when are you going to get to the blowjob tips?

35:41And I'm like, dude, I will get there. But let me tell you what's happening. Stress, trauma, and shame. The three biggest killers of our sex drive. So we, sex drive. So we also, we talked about stress. We talked about anxiety. Like, listen, if you're living in a chronic state of anxiety and stress, there is literally no room for pleasure. It's just not going to be able to live in the same state. So in the same space. So giving yourself permission that like, I'm in a, I'm in a state right now that feels, you know, pretty stressful. And that's why I'm not aroused. Now there are things that we, we all know the things we can do for stress.

36:14We can breathe, we can meditate, we can journal, we can do all the things, but I just want you to normalize the fact that if you're super worried about your job or money or your family, Normally it might not happen right now, but that's just going to be one of the factors is stress anxiety. The other one is trauma. So trauma, big T trauma, you know, you've had some kind of assault, sexual assault, any kind of trauma or little t trauma, it all lives in our bodies. It is living in our bodies for a lifetime. And so any kind of work we can do, trauma work, there's so many great trauma informed practices right now that are really, really accessible for people that can help us learn to get out to like literally every, every memory, everything we've ever had lives in our body.

37:01So we can do some kind of like EMDR therapy. Which I've done before is incredibly helpful. Changed my life. Changed my life too. And that's basically a reprocessing of your, of traumatic memories. So they no longer sit in your body in the same way. And you can actually approach situations much differently because you sort of, yeah, literally the neuroplasticity in our brain allows us to reprocess it. Dancing, trauma work, shaking, there's a lot. But if that is just, just recognizing the fact that if you've had a trauma and it doesn't have to be just sexual trauma, but that is a huge one, that could be allowing you to, what that might look like is you disassociate during sex.

37:41When you get in the bedroom, you don't actually feel anything. You feel numb, you leave your body. So that might be a sign that there's some trauma to work on. And I'm going to side note here, we all would benefit from therapy. It's like literally getting a second opinion on your life. Okay. And having just a place to flush it through like these last six months, I remember a couple of friends calling to check in on me and I'm, I'm just so used to shouldering everything. It's just my, you know, it's like a habit. It's my way. And a couple of friends were like, I think it would be really important for you to talk to someone.

38:11I was like, you're absolutely right. Like, oh my God. Like, how did I not think of that? And it was so incredibly helpful. So, you know, all of us. And it's like, we teach what we need to learn too, right? Like I, my friends come in, like, have you breathed today? Like, oh yeah. Have you seen your therapy? Same thing. Yeah. I mean, we know it, but we're, you know, we're teaching it. So it's also, it's just why it's so wonderful to have conversation and to have friends where you can be real with and you can tell the real, real thing and you don't have to pretend or have a facade up that everything's all hunky-dory because for most of us it's like there's beautiful parts of our life that are going really well and there's other parts of our life that are a total show and both can coexist do you know what I mean at the same time it's like it's funny you know this is a little tangent off of sex but you know sometimes in these past six months people would text me or call me that I don't I haven't talked to in a bit and they're like Ray how you doing and I was like you know in one respect I'm totally fine I'm here in another respect I'm like I'm miserable like I'm a mess I'm crying you know a gajillion times a day I'm more stressed out than I've ever been in my life, but it's like my family.

39:11And what do you do? You hang in there. Yeah, you do. And you get through it. And the fact that you can be real and the friends that, you know, support, you got to tell them, right? And the more we normalize that, like, don't be like, I'm great. How are you? But like, you're going through it. Yeah. It's like two things happening at once. And that's, and that's totally, it's okay. So let's talk about one of your fun rituals called sex magic. Tell us what that is and where we can, how we can play with it. Yeah. Okay. So what we haven't talked about yet, which is we have not yet talked about solo sex.

39:41Yes. Listen, if we want to get more connected, and I would actually say, I talked about the communication with a partner and how to get your sex drive back, but the most important sexual relationship we have is with ourselves. We are responsible for our own pleasure, our own orgasm and understanding our body. And so the practice of masturbation, I am in the process of rebranding everything sex because masturbation doesn't sound as pretty, you know, people don't love the term masturbation, but that's what I'm talking about here. Getting to know your body, what feels good. That is the magic. I mean, I, and I'm going to get to sex magic and that is the magic, but the magic too is that like I never masturbated for a long time.

40:25Like in my teens and twenties, it just never occurred to me. It never occurred to you? No. Didn't even, and I didn't even grow up in a shameful environment. I was just like, I think I had, um, I had a stressful environment growing up and maybe some, I could have thought that that would be soothing. I just didn't think to do it. And so I would blame my partners. This is my, even I didn't masturbate till my twenties. Like I didn't even really know it was on the menu. So once I started to learn masturbation, I blamed my partners for not like giving me an orgasm. And then I realized if I don't know how my own machinery works, how is anyone else going to figure out because we're all different.

40:59So the practice of just keeping your pilot light lit, understanding your body, giving yourself pleasure, that is where the magic is. And that's where pleasure begets pleasure as well. If you're feeling like my sex life is dead in the water, I have no desire. I don't even know if it like if it left on a boat, starting the practice of just touching yourself, get bringing yourself to pleasure and orgasm, and then repeatedly doing that, it is another practice that is going to help you feel more connected. And again, sex begets sex too in that same way that the more orgasms you have, the more you're going to want sex and it's helpful.

41:37So sex magic is a practice of, you know, this, our, our sexual energy is related to everything. It's our creative energy. It's our connective energy. It's our source. This is like our source here. And I'm pointing here to like my pelvic floor, to the pelvic region. Like this is where it happened. So the practice of sex magic is when you are pleasuring yourself and you're, and you are, and you have something that you're looking to manifest right now in your life. Maybe you want, you're looking, you're very clear, right? We know manifesting has to be clear and specific. You have a goal, you've been working on a manifestation project.

42:15There is some incredible magic and synergy to when you're pleasing yourself at the point of orgasm, when you are going over and you're releasing to be building in that intention to merge your pleasure with your intention. Because that magic, like it is the most powerful source, this sex source, this life force. And when you do that together in unison, it's like watch your dreams come true a lot quicker than before because you are so connected with source. You know what? And it can't hurt anything, can it? You ain't going to hurt. You're not going to break anything if we're doing this. If you're like thinking about your dreams and you're making yourself feel real good.

42:54And I'll, I'll say this for myself and the times when it's like my libido, I'm like, it's on another planet. Like it literally got in a lockbox and, you know, got shipped off to Mars or who knows where. Those times, you know, I feel myself being a lot more brittle, not as much fun, probably more frustrated and angry. And the points and the periods and the seasons of my life where I am more in touch sensually and sexually and I am having more pleasure and more fun, it's like I'm just a whole lot more fun to be with. You know what I mean? Like I enjoy me more. I make me laugh more. I'm coming out with some good ass jokes.

43:30You know, I'm just doing things. Life just is a lot more 3D and more magical and more colorful. So one of the things that you mentioned in your book, and I just want to give a shout out here because I've had them on the show and I honestly believe it is necessary for any human who wants to be in a relationship, Imago therapy. So good. Right? So Harville and Helen love them. They literally have saved our relationship kind of multiple times. What's been your experience with that? I love Imago therapy. I mean, most of us, it's basically the practice of learning to listen. Yes. So I used to think that I was a great listener.

44:14No, it turns out I'm a great talker. I'm a great communicate. Like, oh, aren't we communicating? No, I'm just, I'm just talking. So the practice of actually deeply, a deep listening practice. I mean, this is such a game changer in relationships to be able to, so my experience of it and how I, how I talk about it is, and we could even do an exercise here if you want to show people what it is, but it's, it's like the practice of allowing your partner to state something. So let's say your partner says, I really feel like our sex life, you know, we haven't been having enough sex lately and I'm feeling really, yeah.

44:49Emily, let me see if I got that. Okay. You wanted to let me know that we haven't been having enough sex lately and you're not feeling so great about that. Did I get that? Yes. But one more thing I want to say is it's not that, and then this rebate the correction, I am, yeah, we're not having enough sex lately and I don't feel, yeah, I don't feel great about it, but I also want to say that I know that, um, you know, I feel like it's really impacting our relationship. I feel like you're not feeling great about it either. You're not really saying anything about it. Emily, let me see if I got that.

45:22So you really wanted to let me know that you've been thinking about it and that we're not having a lot of sex lately and it's not just impacting you, but you feel like I probably don't feel so great about it too. And it's really, it's having an impact on our relationship. Did I get that? Yeah. Yeah. You got that. Well, I think that if we, the more that we, you know, well, I'm glad that we're talking about it and I'm feeling like it's really been impacting other areas of our life as well. And I think that's why maybe I've had more of a temper and I've been like, you know, not really connecting with you and feeling accessible in our relationship.

45:58So I feel like it's something that we could really, you know, start to work on and maybe it'd be good to see a therapist together. That's really what I think we should do. Let me see if I got that. So because we haven't been connecting sexually, you feel like that's also impacting other parts of our relationship as well. And that perhaps that could be the source of you feeling like your temper has been a little shaky or angry and that maybe it would be a great idea if we handled this together and thought about going to some therapy. Did I get that? Yeah, I think you got that. Thank you for sharing.

46:31Thank you for listening. So that was just like a brief in the moment demo. We didn't do it perfectly, but part of the imago is like asking, is there more? Is there more? And then having the practice of doing your best. And I didn't get it perfectly right, but I was doing my best to really listen to Emily and mirror back what she said using her words and doing my very best to get the essence of what you are communicating so that you feel heard and seen and understood. and it's like it is hard it's not easy but it's so transformative transformative I mean I'm doing I do this with my partner as well we practice it a lot because we just because our our default for many of us is just I'm gonna keep talking I want you to hear me and then a lot of the way we talk to our partners puts them on the defensive we say things like you never do this and how come and why doesn't this happen?

47:27And always. You always, you always, we speak in these like, you know. Extremes. Yeah. And the extremes, even if, you know, our partners, they can't hear us. They literally shut down. So this process of taking a deep breath, listening back and repeating it, and then we get to switch. So then in this case, if we were actually doing this, then I'd, you know, you'd start to talk and I'd repeat back to you. And it's just a way of like slowing everything down, being intentional. I mean, everything that I'm talking about here, we're talking about is being intentional about intimacy. It goes so well. It's such a complimentary skill set, especially when there's any type of heated discussion and there can be, besides money, then sex is another heated discussion that you can have with your partner.

48:12And if you don't create the container and have the skill set for the conversation, it can just go off the rails really, really fast. And you're like, well, I'm never going to do that again. So you just shut your mouth and you watch the relationship degrade. Where if you have these skills, the scripts that you talk about in your brilliant book, Smart Sex, along with a practice like Imago Therapy, it's called dialogue. It's really, really powerful. All of a sudden you set yourself up for a chance of not only having a beautiful relationship, but a beautiful, rich, full, rewarding, sensual relationship that can continue to evolve in the different stages and seasons, you know, especially in the long-term one.

48:49Absolutely. I mean, I think this is, and the thing is it's pretty, it's quite simple. Yeah. I mean, that's what I love about Imago is that it is quite simple and you can use it for any, any situation. Like you could even use it with, you know, your staff and business. Yes. Being a listener. Like, yeah, I mean, this is just, and I have to always remember this and teach this. It's like when people, we all want to be heard and we all want to be seen and we can give that to people. We want it. Your partner wants it. and so it's just an incredible practice and now I found that my partner and I we regularly do this now like he'll catch it like so what I'm hearing you're saying and I laugh because I'm like oh yeah okay I guess we weren't doing that it's just you got to keep practicing but it's as you said in your relationship too it's a it's a game changer I mean you know what we're talking about today is like these are so many things that we just we walk around feeling broken something is wrong with us but we never learn the skills so I want everyone to go easy on themselves that today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life, the rest of your enhancing your relationship.

49:47Like it doesn't have to be over yet. And I want people to have compassion for themselves knowing that you just weren't taught the skills. Totally. You really weren't. Like none of us were. Everything you've told about sex, that you should always be ready to go. And my heart goes out to men who are like, I should be hard, hot, ready to go, know what to do. And then women should be wet, ready, know my turn-ons. Like we, it just couldn't be further from the truth. Like there's so much personal work to do around it. And there's just a lot of misinformation. And then there's porn everywhere, which, you know, the proliferation of porn, people think that that is sex.

50:20So then we have to like, like the proliferation of porn without sex education is a disaster. So, you know, that's what we're saying. Like everyone, it's okay if you don't know, but you can start today. I love that. Is there anything that if there's one piece of advice that you would want folks to put into action, if this has kind of piqued their interest or given them that shred of hope, what would you want to tell them that their next step could be? I would encourage everybody to practice. If you're in a relationship, have a conversation with your partner about your sex life tonight. I mean, do it tonight.

51:00Like what do you, you know, just say, I was listening to, you know, Marie and Emily. I always tell people to blame me because this is, you know, I know it's been hard and no one else has maybe encouraged you this, but say, I realized we've never talked about our sex life. And I would just love to know, like do the three things that were the most memorable. Start there. That would be one thing. If you are somebody who hasn't spent a lot of time pleasuring yourself, I highly encourage you to take a bath, take some time, buy a vibrator, get a bottle of lube. I've got this great on my website, sexwithemily.com.

51:33I just launched this, this, um, store, this marketplace. Cause Marie in my job, like 20 years, I get like 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office a week. Okay. Like literally. And I, I used to be the one trying them all out. Now I have a great team, but they're, everything is sourced and tried out and tested. And I know the best products and sources and things. So we can go there and buy yourself something special. I brought you an adorable one that I love toy. So find something that's like new for your sex life, pleasure yourself, take a look. And also like, I don't often have to remind men to go masturbate, but for women I do.

52:09So get to know your body again, reignite that relationship with yourself. Thank you so much. This was so fun. I can't wait to go play with my toys and my lube. And for anyone out there, if you don't have this already, get your hands on Smart Sex. It is a phenomenal book and give yourself every opportunity to gain the skill sets you need to live the richest, fullest, most rewarding experience of life that you have. Love you. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me.

52:36Come find me on Instagram. I'm at Marie Forleo and let me know. I love it when folks share screenshots of these episodes with their biggest takeaways. And I got to tell you, if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you're subscribed. And if you want to make my day in a huge way, leave us a positive review. They make a big difference as we plan future episodes. And of course they help more people find us. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that very special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time on the Marie Forleo Podcast.