401 - This Advice SAVED My Relationship (in One Weekend!)

0:03Hey there, I'm Marie Forleo and for the last 20 years I've helped millions of people transform their businesses and lives. If you're ready to make the difference you were born to make, get ready because this is the Marie Forleo podcast. Is your relationship on the rocks? Does it feel like every conversation is a battle? Are you starting to wonder whether you should even stay together? Oh my God, I've been there and it is awful. Back when my partner and I were in that rough spot, we went to a workshop with two of the top relationship experts in the world. And there we learned a tool that can help heal any relationship fast.

0:39In fact, we were so blown away. We thought, why the hell isn't the whole world doing this? So in this video, I'm going to walk you through the basics of what they taught me so that you can start practicing the same tool right away. This communication tool is called Imago Dialogue, and it's part of a larger body of work created by Harville Hendricks and Helen LaKelley Hunt called Imago Relationship Therapy. So we've had them on the show before, and I'll be sharing some of those clips in this video. But what I love most about this tool is that it's really about mastering the art of seeing and understanding the world from your partner's point of view.

1:13Here are the basic ground rules. Rule number one, during dialogue, only one person talks at a time. So one person is speaking or sending communication and the other is listening or receiving. Now, to be clear, one person at a time means that when you're doing dialogue, there's no heated back and forth, there's no eye rolling, there's no jumping in, and there's no talking over one another. Now at first, especially when you're talking about hurt feelings or you're discussing really difficult things, this is not easy to do, but it is a discipline and it's one worth developing. So even though it might feel hard and rigid and awkward at first, please stick with it because it will help you.

1:57Now, the second rule, in order to initiate this kind of dialogue, you have to ask your partner if they're available for an appointment. And you also have to tell them the topic of the conversation. So, for example, with Josh, let's say I'd say, hey, Josh, can we have an appointment? I want to talk about blank, like going to see my family or spending more time together or maybe something that I'm just feeling hurt or sensitive about. and he'd either say, sure, I'm open for an appointment. Let's do it now. Or no, I can't. I got a few more back-to-back meetings. However, how about we talk at 5.30?

2:33Now, if this sounds silly or overly formal, I just want you to think about it this way. Haven't you ever gotten super pissed off or felt sideswiped if your partner interrupts you when you're in the middle of focused and working on something important? And not only are they upset, but they are demanding your attention now. And you're like, whoa, where the hell's all this coming from? How's that feel? Not so good, right? Or if you've ever walked up to your partner with your panties in a bunch and said something like, we need to talk, then you know this kind of energy puts them on the defense and usually it's all downhill from there.

3:09This is why making an appointment is super important. First of all, it shows that you respect your partner's inner world. They can either say, yes, this is a good time for me to talk or no. And if they say, no, this isn't a good time, then the goal is this. Make sure that y 'all talk within the next 24 hours. And second, making an appointment and telling them what you want to talk about, that creates a feeling of safety between you. And feeling safe really is the foundation of all truly loving and lasting relationships. There has to be a kind of promise and predictability, which is also creates what we think is the non-negotiable quality of any healthy relationship is safety.

3:50I have to know when I'm with you, I'm not going to be hurt by you. And I mean by hurt, not even frowned at, or glared at, or especially talked to in a bad tone of voice or even worse, bad words. Now you've got an appointment and you're clear on the topic. For example, let's say it's about spending more time together. Then there are two tiny, but very important things that you need to do right before the official dialogue starts. First, you got to look into each other's eyes and take three deep breaths in sync. And I know this sounds so cheesy, but this is about connecting non-verbally. It's about getting on the same page with your energy and your breath and your body language before either one of you opens your mouth.

4:36Especially when you're in the midst of an intense situation, right? Or you're super emotional. That little step is often enough to bring the intensity down a few notches. Now the second little step, the sender, who is the person who has something they want to talk about, takes a moment to share one genuine appreciation. So let's pretend I'm the sender. I would say to Josh, Josh, I really appreciate you for making sure that we always have our favorite coffee and it never runs out. You keep an eye on it and that makes me feel loved and cared for because it's one less thing for me to worry about.

5:10And with those two little steps. Josh and I have just gotten our hearts and our energy on the same page and we can move on to the three core steps of Imago Dialogue. Step number one, mirror your partner. So the sender and the receiver do different things in Imago Dialogue, but step number one is all about mirroring. So let's say your partner is the sender. You've already done your three in-sync breaths and they've already shared an appreciation with you. Next, they might start by sharing something a a little challenging. Like, I feel like things are distant between us right now. I love you. I miss our adventure time together, but I feel like work has become your number one priority and that hurts.

5:53You as the receiver, your job is now to mirror that back to them. So mirroring is essentially repeating back with as much accuracy as possible what your partner just said. And this is really important. So please listen up. The goal is not to paraphrase, right? It's not to use your own words. Then you also don't want to parrot them in some kind of irritated or frustrated or mechanical or cynical way. The goal really is to listen, to track their exact words and then reflect back to them in a way that has your partner feeling heard and understood. As the receiver, you'd say something like this. So let me see if I got that.

6:34You're feeling disconnected and like there's this distance between us. You miss our adventure time and you're feeling like work is my number one priority right now and that hurts. And then, and this is key, you say, did I get that? The reason why that little question, did I get that, is so important is because you have to check in with your partner. You really want to know if you got it right or if you missed something, then your partner either confirms or corrects. They either say, yeah, actually you did get that or you mostly got it and I also said, I love you. Now, accuracy is a problem because the brain retains in a resting state only about 13 % of what's coming into it because the brain's running its own movie and it's very hard to let in other stuff.

7:24So you have to say, did I get it? And that's the checkout. So once you've accurately mirrored what your partner has just shared with you as the receiver, we then come to what Harville and Helen call the magic question, which is this, is there more? Now, to be clear, you're not saying, are you done yet? Because it's my turn to talk. Or can I talk now? That is not how dialogue works, right? In dialogue, you are either the sender or the receiver, and we never flip-flop roles in the middle. Remember, in our example right now, you're the receiver. So it's your job to stay on your side of the tracks and fully mirror what your partner is sharing.

8:02So you're asking with genuine curiosity, is there more? So if you say, is there more about that? And you say it with interest, the partner's defenses relaxes because now instead of knowing that you're about to take the reins, they know you just handed the reins back and that you're saying, I'm interested in you. Now, the beauty of mirroring is that it is such a simple act, but it's such a rare act. And when done right, it is incredibly transformative. Because when you reflect back your partner's exact words, you show that you truly care about understanding what they're experiencing from their point of view.

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9:22Next, we move on to step number two, which is validate. So with mirroring, we're demonstrating that we're truly listening and that we're curious to hear where our partner is coming from. When you validate, you're now affirming your partner and you're telling them, hey, I get where you're coming from. How you feel right now actually makes sense. You're not crazy. So this crucial step is about acknowledging their feelings and their thoughts as legitimate. it, even if you don't necessarily agree with their point of view. Now, validation is a bigger step. I can listen to you and I can get what you're saying and I cannot judge it or criticize it.

10:01But now I have to say something like, you make sense. And that means for many people that I disagree with you, therefore you don't make sense. So if when I say you make sense, I have to be clear and you have to be clear that I'm seeing the sense you're making because you have an inner world of your own. It has its own inner logic. And when I listen to it, I will see that you're a logical person. So, for example, let's go back to what we were just discussing. When your partner says, I feel like things are distant between us right now and I feel like work is your number one priority and that hurts.

10:40Maybe inside you're thinking to yourself, are you freaking kidding me? I thought we're spending tons of quality time together. But in this particular moment, in all honesty, your point of view doesn't matter. You need to set it aside. The goal in this step of dialogue is to simply validate their feelings, their perspective by saying, I hear you. And it makes sense from your point of view that you're feeling disconnected. And you think about it and go, okay, given how many meetings I've had, I understand why you might feel that work is my number one priority. Remember, validation is not about agreement.

11:15It's about letting your partner know what they're saying makes sense from their point of view, from how they see and feel and experience things. Now you might be wondering, well, what if what your partner says makes absolutely no sense to you at all? First of all, I've got to say I've done dialogue literally thousands of times. This rarely happens. But if If it does, you might gently ask them to say more like, can you say more about that? Can you help me understand? The bottom line is that every human being wants to feel heard and feel understood. And step two is how you make that happen. Once you do that, then you're ready for step number three, which is empathize.

11:58So you've mirrored your partner's words. You have validated their point of view. Now you're going to empathize with their feelings. So this is where you step into your partner's shoes and you communicate either what they said they feel or what you imagine they might be feeling given everything you've just heard. So you can either say, I can imagine you might be feeling blank or you said you're feeling blank and either just say the words that your partner shared or what you imagine they might be experiencing if you were in their shoes. So sticking with our example, you said you feel hurt and I can imagine you might also be feeling sad and lonely and unimportant like you're not the number one priority in my life then you want to check it out and ask your partner did i get that is that how you feel and once again your partner is either going to confirm or correct you can also ask are those your feelings are there more feelings so hopefully you're starting to get the point here Being genuinely interested to hear and understand their feelings is so powerful.

13:03This step makes your partner feel truly seen and supported because you're not just understanding them intellectually, right? You're actively participating in their emotional experience. There's a phrase that I love that voice without echo dies. You may live in a relationship and maybe you don't realize your partner's longing to tell you who they are and tell you what's really going on in their life. But if you've made your partner up and you think you know what's going on with your partner, you don't ask, they can't even tell you how they feel or what they want. And so it's really learning. It's really teaching a couple to slow down and become present for each other's experiencing.

13:44And everyone is just longing to feel understood and loved and cared about, but also just be understood. and it is a transformational process. Now, once all those steps are complete, and by the way, this can take anywhere from five minutes if it's like a little minor kerfuffle, or if y 'all got a lot to unpack, it's gonna be like 30 minutes or 45 minutes or more. The thing you wanna do at the end is you wanna close up the dialogue. So as the receiver, you'll say genuinely, thank you for sharing. And as the sender, you'll say, thank you for listening. And then, this is the big move, you give each other a full one minute hug.

14:26Now, if you've ever hugged anyone for one minute, it's a really long time, but you gotta time it and do it. Now, in reality, especially for me and Josh, once one of us feels fully heard in dialogue, usually the other person's got a whole bunch of stuff they wanna say. So we switch roles and we do the whole process again. And I gotta tell you, when I first learned about dialogue, oh my goodness, I hated it, I resisted it. It felt so formal and stilted and unnatural and nothing like any normal conversation I've had before. And that's the whole point. It's a communication tool that when used precisely in the spirit with which it was created, it works like magic.

15:09I hope you're going to give it a try and I hope you find it as life-changing as I have. And even if you're not in an intimate relationship right now, this framework can deepen your connection with anyone you care about, your friends, your family, colleagues, you name it. Up next, if you enjoyed this, please go check out the full interview I did with Harville and Helen. It's amazing. We'll link to it in the description below. Until next time, stay on your game and keep going for your big dreams because the world really does need that very special gift that only you have. Now I would love to hear from you.

15:45What's the biggest insight you're taking away? And most important, how can you turn that insight into action starting now? Take a screenshot of this episode and let me know on social at Marie Forleo. I got to tell you, I really love when people share their aha moments with me. So if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you're subscribed wherever you listen to podcasts. And better yet, leave us a positive review because nobody likes crappy reviews. Am I right? Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that very special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for listening.

16:21And I'll see you next time on the Marie Forleo podcast.