439 - Tony Robbins on What it Takes to Have an Extraordinary Life

22:36Now, some of us get pissed off and speeds us up and, you know, we find the answers. But there's a better way. There's a more elegant way. There's a more beautiful way to live. Yes. And I think you embody a good portion of this, but I'd be willing to bet since you're human that you have suffering states. Oh man, of course I do. What do you go through? It's going to be good for people to follow you to see that vulnerability in you as well. And I know you share it. I just wrote about this last week because when I was in Sicily, so you know, again, taking vacations is a new habit for me. And when we were there, I really got to see, and I wrote a little bit about this, was how wound up I get and how irritated I get with Josh over stupid shit that doesn't matter.

23:13Exactly right. And it was so cool because it was so great because I was not only watching your film. Yes. And you know how much I love and appreciate your work. And I consider myself a lifelong student. I'm always looking to learn and grow. And I really, it was almost like an out-of-body experience where I was starting to see, wow, these are some of the patterns that I have that I get in our intimacy. Like I will stop the intimacy because I need to control everything, including his state and my state and how, like, it was so awesome. And it was amazing the healing that could, that happened just out of slowing down and just out of being willing to look and not needing to be right.

23:57And also getting - You want to be right or you want to be in love? Yes. Those are your choices, right? And being really honest and having a level of discussion, you know, for Josh and I, where I was like, hey, this is how I feel. This is what happens. but it wasn't being delivered through this angry combative state. It was actually a discussion and we had curious moments of how can we take better care of each other. That's beautiful. And so. Oh my God, it so deepens the relationship, doesn't it? It was. As deepened, as beautiful as your relationship may be, there's another level. Always. Because when you're not suffering, there's nothing in a way.

24:28Because everyone is a great communicator when things are going well. Yes. But when people get pissed off, frustrated, fearful, worried, everybody's a shitty communicator then. And bad communication creates bad relationships. Yeah. And so we were having this really fun time on the trip going, okay, here's another opportunity to peel the onion where we would catch ourselves going into a habitual friction point and we would slow it down. Pattern. Totally. And we'd slow it down. And both of us are, we're great jokers and we, comedy is like just a part of our life. That's how you break patterns. It's beautiful.

24:58Yes. And so we had a chance to do that. And by the end of the trip, we're like, oh my God, we feel like we're new humans. That's awesome. But to your point, it's like I love finding these ways. I get excited to find my patterns because I really do believe in everything that you just shared. And there's no reason for us. I was saying it to, I don't know, Louise, I think it was you behind when I was getting dressed. Or Greg, actually. You were asking me, you were like, what really did you discover? And I was telling him the same thing. There's always this other level. So I know we're going. I think the most important thing for this so that people practically apply it is I hear you applying it 100 % and I'm not surprised based on who you are.

25:37But I think it really comes down to measuring it. You can't manage something you don't measure. If you're in business and you don't measure your numbers, you're going to be out of business. You may not care about that, but you have to. Otherwise, you can't run it. It's also true with your personal life. It's also true with your emotional life. So we, Bonnie Pearl and I, my wife Sage and I are, and my family all have come up with this approach in the last year and a half, what we called our 90 second rule. And it's not, you have 90 seconds to get your shit together. Like if you were, if you were, we were together and you're my friend and you're suffering, I'm not going to do something and make you wrong or say you got 90 seconds.

26:11I just say, you know, I don't know if you're feeling some stress or some pain right now, but I'm here for you if I can help. But you know, there's a choice once we know there's a choice. And so in 90 seconds, since no one's pressuring you, what we really realize is all the stuff was stressing you were just thoughts you were believing in in those moments. Yes. Like believing he had to be a certain way or he shouldn't do this or you should do something different. And whenever we should all over ourselves, whenever we judge someone or ourselves, it doesn't make it better. So what I've done is it's like, have you ever thought I want to kill the son of a bitch?

26:41Of course. Okay. And I know he feels the same. Yes. Yeah. And so you haven't loved until you've had that thought, right? Right? So, but what I tell people is you have that thought, but you didn't kill anybody because you didn't believe the thought. Thoughts, when people think I'm having these thoughts, you're not having these thoughts. These thoughts have been around for millions of years. The millions of years that you're an asshole, I hate you, or you should do something different. I should do something different. Those thoughts have been around in the ether. If I would have told you a hundred years ago, we were going to have a little device that was this size and you could push a button and talk to someone on the other side of the earth because it would capture invisible waves and bring it into this box, you'd say you're insane.

27:18If you said you're going to go to the moon and back, you were called a lunatic. Thoughts are vibration. They've been around forever. This is not corny bullshit. It's the truth. And when you change the way you use your body in some way, down, excited, cranking, it's like turning the channel on a TV. You turn one channel and what you're going to bring down is invisible waves of a horror story. Turn another one, it's a comedy. Another one, it's a romance. So when you learn to trigger this and you realize your thoughts are not your thoughts. I've become humored by as a thought goes by that used to stress me out.

27:46I go, look at that little thought going by. Look at that little thing. Isn't that interesting? Isn't that fascinating? I'm not letting, I'm not believing this. I know that's bullshit. I know what matters is this, not all that other bullshit. And I'm committed to living in a beautiful state for me and those that I love. And the more you do it, you build muscle and it becomes easier. And in the beginning, it should have been the four day rule or the four hour rule to be more accurate, probably, because we didn't have bad days. We had some bad half days. I'll tell you that. Some bad evenings at times.

28:16And now it's like, I wouldn't say it's effortless because things show up, but it doesn't last. And that freedom is what most people are looking for who are sitting meditating because I love meditation. I do a little meditation process myself in the mornings, but you meditate in your great state and then shit happens and the mind takes over and meditation's gone. If you've got to keep meditating all the time, you don't have a life. So meditation's a nice set point. But what I've decided is that benefit of the meditation is, I use that energy to slice through anything that will make me or others that I care about really unhappy by understanding the truth.

28:48And here's the truth. All of your upsets in that situation, correct me if I'm wrong, were based on expectations you had for him and for you. Of course. And the problem with expectations is they put you in a box. They put the people you love in a box. And we can't help have expectations. It's what the mind does. But you can free yourself by expectations when you trade your expectations for appreciation. I always tell people, trade your expectation and appreciation and that moment your whole life changes. So I'm on my way. I'm fortunate enough now to have my own private jet, which is an unbelievable gift.

29:17But most of my life I chartered or when I went overseas, it was too expensive, right? So you know, fly to Australia. I now have intercontinental jet to do it. But in those days I take the plane, I go on Qantas Airlines. And the stress in getting Qantas Airlines, the stress that used to make me stressed was like, oh my God, we've got 14 hours and I'm disconnected from all the companies and people need to talk to me and all that stuff. because commercially in the US, you're connected to the internet, but Australia weren't. So one time I get on the plane, I'll forget a few years ago, and they announced we have internet.

29:46And it was like God had descended into the plane. People are cheering, people like high-fiving. It was just the most, thank God we're connected to Instagram for 14 hours. It's just the silliest thing that we are as humans today because we don't feel like we can live without this stuff. And I was just like them. I was like, oh, this is the greatest thing. And within 15 minutes, You can predict what happened, right? Didn't work. Didn't start again the whole 14 hours. And people are like, this is bullshit. And people are angry. 15 minutes earlier was a miracle. Now it's already an expectation. That's our lives today.

30:19We live in a world where we expect so much because so much is available to us that we're missing out on the joy. So my goal is real simple. I want to live the happiest human life humanly possible because I know in that state, I'm better for every human I can serve, including myself. Life's too short to suffer. And so I've made a decision. And I created a bunch of tools to help people shift out of that suffering real fast so they know how to do it. But the essence of it is I stop. I breathe in my heart. Slow it down. Same thing. Slow it down. See the thought go by. Get a little curious about it.

30:50Don't let it connect to me. And I breathe in my heart. And as I'm feeling that, then I start to think about what can I appreciate? Because there's always something wrong. And what's wrong is always about. So is what's right. And all you got to do is look for it and find it. And when you find it and it's real, it's not some effort. That's not some positive bullshit. It's, I really do appreciate this. I'm really connected. I'm finding joy in this moment. That's my job. When you do that again and again and again, it's a positive addiction. And then as great as the life I've had has been and all the people I've helped, the liberation that creates is the liberation that most spiritual teachers are talking about.

31:23But it's pragmatic. You don't have to go live in a cave to do it. You're living your life like you and I do and helping people and living your life with your family. But you're getting the rewards now, not someday. So it's like trying to describe what a rose smells like. Someone's not smelled it or tasted it yet. And my hope is that I can hook you into really considering making the most important decision of your life, which is I will not suffer anymore. If it comes up, I'll end it within 90 seconds. Maybe in the beginning it takes me 20 minutes. But I'm going to get better and better until I am that.

31:56It isn't phony. It isn't fake. It isn't placating. It's just knowing that life is so beautiful and rich. and I'm not going to miss out on it. And it's changed my life. It's my passion. I adore you. And I think you're clearly, you're one of the people in the world. The reason I wanted to do this too, and we're not, usually we shoot MarieTV and we do it on these like little chunks because we batch everything. But when this came in, I was like, I have to talk with Tony because every time I talk with you, I feel like I get more grounded in myself. Oh, you're very kind. I love that you're already doing this with your man.

32:24And if you take it, if you measure it more now, and if you not only measure it more, but you reward yourself for the little victories, as beautiful as your life is, I can promise you, even for you, it'll be even more. And that would make me very happy because I care deeply about you because I know you care about so many people. Thank you. I want to continue on with an idea that you talk about in the film called the idea of each one, teach one and how this work can spread. And I know we're doing a bit of that right now. What does that idea mean to you? Well, every time I do something, I'm always trying to figure out how do I produce leverage out of this?

33:00How do I scale this? How do I help more people with this? And so, you know, that's why I do the videos and pieces that I do of that nature, because in the modern world, we can scale that way. That's why we made this documentary. So people, I can only see 2 ,500 people in an intimate setting like that, where I read everybody's form, you know, 20 pages beforehand for days and days and days. I only do so many, but I can have millions of people get a taste of that and make changes, right? Yeah. So, but I think when you look at each one to each one, I think what it really means to me is every time I go there, if I can penetrate this person's life and really get them to shift where they own it, where they don't just make the change, but they understand how they did it and why they did it, then that person can now go out and do that with their family or their friends.

33:46And then you get this gigantic multiplied effect. Otherwise, you're limited to what you can physically do with the hours in the day. And I'm able to do a lot. I got 8 ,000, 10 ,000 people at my Unleashed Power Within events now, which is exciting. But the challenge is like we go to cities and there aren't – some cities, they don't have more than 10 ,000 seats, right? You're just – that's your max. So I had to look at it and say, how do I do more? So I'm doing everything I can to empower each individual to not only make their own changes, but then go back and take those and help someone else. I love it.

34:12And we have so many folks in the helping profession who watch this show. I know that. A lot of coaches, like therapists. Teachers, everyone. and even folks that aren't necessarily in those professions, but they have a desire in their heart. They want to have a great life and they want to do everything that they can to help someone else. One of the key questions that I've seen you ask in interventions multiple times, and it's always fascinating because I see you disarm people and it gets them thinking in this new way. And I'm curious if this question, if we ask it now, if people in the audience at home could find value for themselves.

34:42I'll hear you ask, whose love did you crave more, your mother or your father? Can you speak a little bit to that line of questioning and what it can help someone discover? Let me say why I ask the question. Everything you and I do as human beings, we do based on a set of beliefs, a set of values, a set of rules. We have a set of expectations. We have a projection of how people should treat us, of how we should be, about what our body should be like, or how we should be doing financially at this stage of our life. And so all of those beliefs and values and rules, I know how to find those with precision.

35:12But as a general, you could just call them your blueprint. Okay? Where does the blueprint come that tells you you should feel bad about doing something or not doing something or good about it? It comes first when you're first born, you're wide open as a baby. What can you feel? What can you do? You can do anything. You can go to the bathroom in your pants and you'll still be loved. Try that when you're 50, see if it works. You can do anything and you're going to be loved, right? But then gradually, very quickly, the oxytocin in your mother and perhaps in your father as well that makes her love you even though you look like a lizard as a child when you're a brand new baby.

35:44and you got no teeth and you're fat and you're still loved, the oxytocin wears off. When it wears off, fear enters our body. Because suddenly someone else used to put all their needs behind ours, make us first. That's how we survive, right? Now I got to behave, I got to be a certain way to get their love or attention. And human beings, our survival is dependent upon someone else caring for us at that stage. We can't take care of ourselves like an animal that has horns or beaks or, you know, or claws or camouflage to hide. Our competitive advantage is love. Yeah. And so when you look at that, you go, okay, well, where does my model of what I should and shouldn't do come from?

36:20Why do I have all the stress that says I have to work all the time and I have to do all this all the time? It comes from the source of love in your life that starts to teach you how you need to be to have that significance in love when the oxytocin wears off and they're not loving you 24-7 for no reason. And so I ask people, whose love did you crave most? Not who do you love more. Whose love did you crave more, your mother or father? assuming they were alive or your grandmother if your father was alive or whoever was with you and who was it for you my dad cool that makes sense to me tell me who did you have to be for your father and don't edit i know you won't edit intellectually but i mean just tell me the first thought comes to your mind i had to be um like cheerful and a hard worker okay cheerful hard work i had to be um fun and entertaining okay now i want you to notice her face even fun It's that forced fun, even when it isn't fun, that makes it inauthentic.

37:14And you're an authentic person, but I have to be up. I have to be those things. What else did you have to be for your father? Well, he, my dad, who's amazing and still alive, and I love him. He didn't ever demand much from me, but because he worked so much, I always kind of wanted to get his attention. So I didn't feel like he made demands of me, but those were all the kind of things that I tried to do to find connection with him. That's right. So it was implied. He didn't ask it of you, but it was implied by his behavior. So many times people don't say things. And many times we misinterpret what people want from us, but we believe it at that stage and it shapes our life.

37:54So you're supposed to be happy, cheerful. You have to be a hard worker. You got, I assume, probably smart. Is that true? Yeah. Yes. Right. You have to be successful. Was that one? Yeah. And you're all those things. Yeah. Pretty cool. Your dad did you as a beautiful gift. However, with every gift comes a limitation. And the limitation to have to be all those things all the time has also produced in you stress. Now, you've handled incredibly well, and I'm not placating you. You know how I feel about you. And I not just feel about you as a friend, but how much I respect you. So you've constantly done that.

38:23And a lot of that came from what your father imprinted with you. But there are places where you're not so happy, where you're not so positive. There are places where you're not feeling that smile, you know, the glee smile. And to have to do that or feel bad about yourself, because unconsciously your belief is if I don't do that, I won't be loved. And that's the oxygen of my life by the most important source. So what happens is we believe, like mine was my mom. So my mom, I had to be strong. I had to support her when I was a boy, a little child. I had to go to the grocery store starting at five and get the food and make the meal.

38:58I had to go to the pharmacist and convince him to give her more Valium because she lost hers, not knowing she was just abusing the drug. I mean, I became very resourceful because I wanted to please my mom. I wanted to make her happy. I had to be a good boy. I had to always be nice. I had to be quiet when I was supposed to be. You can imagine how hard that was for me. But I do all those things, right? And I became all those things. But I'm also an intense mother you know what. I'm also a committed, crazy son of a bitch. And those weren't things my mom wanted, but I had to be those for her. So what I do, I pretend they're not there, convince myself I'm not like that.

39:34So I'll give you one simplistic example, might be helpful. I am obsessed with being a giver, not positioning so, I don't give a shit if people know, it's who I am, it's how I feel good about me. My mom implanted that. It's a beautiful gift. But when you always have to be a giver, I had no money and I'd take people to lunch and I'd order an iced tea and I was starving, but I, cause I had to be the giver. I had to buy the lunch for him. I had no money. I would do it always having to. And as a result, in my early years in business, I kept attracting people that took advantage, stole from me, did things.

40:04And I'll be so upset what's going on here. And what it was is it matched me. I needed to give. So people who were willing to receive showed up and they were willing to take everything they had. And one day I had a man, I'll never forget. I went to get the check. This was early in my life and career, financially at least. And he was a very wealthy guy and I picked his brain and I went to go get the check, right? He's a billion times more than I was. And he grabbed the check away and he physically smacked my hand like hard enough that it hurt, like it jolted me, broke my pattern, right? And I'm like, what the hell?

40:36He goes, are you trying to steal away all my joy of buying lunch for you? Are you that selfish that you're going to take away that, try and take that joy? I'm buying lunch. And I remember staring at him and I was so shocked. He did such a good job of doing what he put me in an altered state, right? Just shocked me. And I was like, wow, I never even thought about it that I'm taking by being the giver. And so what I began to realize is I don't want to be a taker. I hate that aspect that shows up in so many people. But if I don't allow people to give, then I've robbed them of the gift that I have.

41:09And so it's so ironic because now in my life, I've learned to receive because everywhere goes, I show up at a restaurant, someone sends over a note thanking me. They bought me lunch. They bought me dinner. I was like, I could have used it then. I don't need it. But now I let them do it. And I come and express gratitude. And some people are really cool. They don't even tell me who they are. The waiter will say, they won't tell you who they are. They just, you've changed their life. They don't want to interrupt you. Such an unbelievable classic thing. But I really, I want to thank them. But I've learned to just take it in and know that it's giving them a gift like I have.

41:40My wife loves to sleep. My wife loves to eat. I don't sleep. I don't eat. So why am I telling you this? Because those are my patterns. Her patterns are different. And because I've loved her, I've learned to like stay in bed a little longer. I've learned to eat a little bit more, but she's probably saved my life in some ways because I love her. I've opened my world from being a certain way. It isn't this one model now. One of my sons, I'll finish with this example, as I have four children and they're all adults now, and I'm so proud of all of them. But one of my sons, my youngest sons, I was always worried about him because he had a heart of gold.

42:15I mean, he's made the same stuff you are. I am just amazing, a contribution-driven kid, beautiful soul, no exaggeration, not just because he's my son. Anyone would know that's who he is. But early years ago, he just had no work ethic. Like, you know, I grew up with nothing. We didn't go to the family island that we owned. You know, we didn't go on a private jet. I was a Zusa. If I could make it to L.A., it was a big deal, you know. And so it produced in him not the same level of hunger to drive or grow. He still cared about people. And I'd always be worried. I'd be trying to intervene on him. And I don't want to intervene on anybody.

42:49But the difference is I was hooked because if I die, money's not yet. I want him to be a proud human being. And he's like, I don't use my name. I mean, I'd show up at a concert and there he was backstage. And then, you know, I won't tell the group, but they'd say, oh, it's your son. And everybody wants to do something for my son as a way of giving me something. I don't want them to give my son anything. I want him to earn everything. And I would be so stressed out. And then I didn't want to have to come to Jesus meetings. And I'm like, what is going on here? And then one day I thought, what if, what if I'm supposed to learn from him?

43:19What if it's not about me teaching him? What if there's something in me that needs to change that's so intense? And I thought, what skill does he have that I don't have? And I thought, chilling. He knows how to chill. I don't know how to chill. This is amazing. And I thought to myself, you know, I love that I have the work ethic I do. I love that I'm so driven. I love that I want to help every human I can. And someone stops me in the street and I'm there always. But man, living that way is pretty stressful on the body. Could wear you out and could make you not be there with somebody else because you're busy trying to solve everything all the time.

43:52And I thought, you know, maybe instead of trying to make him be a certain way, maybe I don't want to be lazy. I'll never be that. I'm incapable of that. But maybe I need to let go just a little bit and relax like you're two weeks. Maybe that's the gift here. And so I literally changed my approach from being worried about him. I brought him in. I said, I need to talk to you, son. And it's like, you know, oh, we're going to have another little talk. You can see his face. Like I just read his mind, right? And I looked him in the eye and I just said, I have to apologize to you. And he said, what? And I said, I apologize to you.

44:20I said, I've been so worried because I want you to be, have everything you want in your life. And I know work ethic is such a huge part of that. And I know you have a work ethic, but it's not my insane level. But I said, I realize you don't need my insane level. You're not starting where I started from. And I said, so I realized, you know, I've had these conversations. I hate having these conversations. I know you hate having them with me where I'm trying to coach you to get more work ethic. And you probably felt insulted by it. And you do things easier. You look for the easier way sometimes, the strategic way.

44:49And I said, so I want you to know, I really apologize for that. But I said, I want to learn from you. I realized you're in my life, not only as my son, but to teach me too. And you could see this quizzical look on his face. And I said, I think there's a skill you have that I need. And he had this shock look on his face. I'll never forget. And he goes, what's that, dad? And I said, chilling. And he started to laugh out loud. And then he looked at me like, this must be a technique. You're going to manipulate me when I said something like that. I could read his mind. I know I'm like the back of my head, right?

45:15My son. So he goes, I said, I'm serious. He goes, dad, no, you are not good at chilling. I said, oh, so coach me. How do you do this chilling thing? And what do you do? And he goes, well, you just sit. You know what I mean? Just sit? And we had the most funny, beautiful conversation. Here's why I tell you a story. I love my son so much. I'm so proud of him as a human being. When I stop pushing, put your fist up. If I push you like this, what are you doing? I didn't tell you to push back. That's what all humans do, right? I push on you, you push back. So instead of pushing on him, I let go. And as a result, he's coming towards me.

45:50Right. And what happened was I was sincere. I worked at it. I'm still not a master at chilling. I'm not as good a master as he is at chilling. I don't think I'll ever be, but I have that skill, which my wife loves now. Cause I can turn it, turn off. Like people say he's turned on all the time. This is me. It's not turned on. It's who I am. But the ability to let go at a different level has been invaluable. And I've done things I've never done in my life before. Like chill with my wife in different ways. and she loves it. So it's truly been a gift. But what's amazing was I had no more conversations with him about work ethic.

46:20And what do you think magically happened in about, I don't know, three, four months? It's like a work ethic exploded in him. You know, it's just because, because now it's like, I think God, the universe, life, whatever you want to call it, infinite intelligence. I think God puts people in our lives always for a reason. And the reason when we feel irritated is so that we can become more whole. So we can go from where we were wide open and now we can leave you this way and this is who I am, this is how I have to be. We don't have to be all those other ways at once, but where you can embrace receiving, where you can let go and not think you have to solve everything for your son or daughter right now and that it's okay to make mistakes and learn and grow or that I can learn something from them.

47:01And when the pressure was no longer there, when I realized God keeps putting these things in your life until you conquer them and it's conquering inside you, not outside you. I've always been, I love my son. I'm close to my son, but our relationship is transformed. I'm so proud of him. And you know, he met a woman who now is married to, and now he's like got a different reason to work. And he's, and I mean, he's phenomenal. Same heart he always had, but he's got the work ethic too. And I didn't do shit. All he did was let go. So that's, I know most of your viewers are achievers, right? They're so striving.

47:33They're such good people. That's why I wanted to do this conversation with you. And I think you'd be served if you could just ask yourself, what is it I have to do all the time and where did it come from? Whose love, if you're listening, whose love that I crave the most, my mother, father, or if they were passed away, my grandfather, aunt, uncle, whoever's with you. And who did you have to be for that person? Here's another one. Who could you never be for your father? Oh, goodness. Who could I never be? You could never be. I don't even know. Gosh, I'm drawing a blank. I feel so bad right now. No, don't feel bad.

48:06Who could I never be? It's not how your mind normally works. Yeah. You're a moving towards person. I am a moving. I know that about you, but that's why I'm doing this. I want you to dig. Okay. If you're willing to. Yeah, of course. A hundred percent. Who could I never? I could never be, just don't filter. Just first thing. I could never be. Sad. Good. I could never be like kind of pissy. Yeah. I could never be like, I just have this ability to figure things out. So I don't think I could ever really be confused or like helpless. So are there times when you've been sad? Oh, yeah. How many times you've been pissy?

48:39Yeah. If I ask your man, you would say yes. Oh, absolutely. At times. Yeah, no, of course. So the point of the matter is when you're not being that, that produces a level of pressure inside you because the source of love you needed to be that for, and it's in your unconscious. It's not a conscious thing. So there's a level of life and death, emotional survival that shows up that says, I've got to overcome this. Well, there's nothing wrong with having drive, but what it does is it makes you be inhuman to yourself. And when you're inhuman to yourself, your man's going to feel it because even though you don't mean to be, and you're one of the sweetest souls I know, if I rub your arm like this, no problem.

49:12But if you got a scab there and I touch you with a hair, a cat hair, you're jumping out of your skin. And so there's scabs there from those things. It's a horrible metaphor, but there are pieces that irritate that are there. And when someone is spiritually developed, it isn't that they can quote scripture, it's a nice thing to be able to do, or that they go to church every single day. I think those are beautiful things. but the real thing is they're comfortable within themselves and if when you're comfortable in yourself then you can give to other people and there aren't the hooks you're not doing it because you have to you're not doing it because it's your identity you know there may be a part of that you're doing it because it's what's real right now and and i just think that the more we can figure that out the more you begin to understand why you do what you do also i ask people who do you really really like a lot and then what are the qualities of them and whatever you like in another person are qualities that are in you, but you've disassociated from them.

50:03You've disidentified with them because they didn't match the way you were supposed to be, right? And the source of love. And when you reclaim them, you're more alive. That's really what it is. Or I'll say to people, who do you dislike? I know you love everyone because you're a green, beautiful, socially conscious person, but we usually have something that you would get annoyed by, pissed off by. And whatever qualities piss you off are qualities in you that you've also disidentified with. You don't have to become a jerk, but you have to find, like if it was a taker, you got to find the energy of receiving.

50:31If it's about domination and they're dominating, you hate that. It's really about you stepping up and taking that part of your life and dominating a little bit in an intelligent way. Whatever energy is either annoying you, is calling you to find that part in yourself or anything you love in another person is actually you. In fact, how many of you at home have gotten in a relationship sometime in the past and you were enamored for this person? They were so passionate. They were a man or woman. They took the room and you loved how they just, they were so potent or powerful, loving or playful or something.

51:02And you're more quiet. You're more internal or your way out there. And you loved how calm they are compared to you, right? The opposite energy attracts us. But then here's what happens. In one of my relationships, without saying who, I had a long-term relationship with a woman who was a great lady and she met me and I'm a force of nature and she loved us a force of nature and I make things shit happen. And, and I'm not much of just, you know, hanging out. And she loved that in the beginning because it's a part of her that she did not see was in her. She thought that was the opposite of her. She wanted those pieces.

51:38But if you don't reclaim that part of yourself, the very thing you used to love in that person, you will hate and you will hate it because you have not grown. And now you blame them unconsciously. So all of a sudden I talk loud and intensely and passionately. That didn't change. But all of a sudden it went from, isn't that cool to, does he always have to take charge of the thing? Does he always have to talk so loud? The very thing she loved in me, she now hated in me. And I'm like, I don't think I changed. I don't think there's anything there. It's because she didn't grow in that area. She didn't tap into that part.

52:09She didn't have to become me, but she needed to find where she was not the passenger, where she was the person who was taking charge at times, not every moment at times. She didn't get the growth. That's what makes you start to feel that love for someone because there's something in them that is recognized in your spirit that's there and not fully developed or not reclaimed. And when it's reclaimed, then that relationship becomes even more powerful. It doesn't mean competitive, like one's trying to be like the other. It just, we're all more whole. And for me, you know, simplistic things. I sleep, you know, I eat, you know, I laugh at little stuff.

52:42I don't have to make everything be the most funny thing in the world. All those things came from my wife because since I love her and I love those qualities in her, I learned to appreciate them in myself. And it just made me more whole. So beautiful. Tony, you're just an extraordinary human and I'm so grateful we're on the planet at the same time. Me too. For everyone watching, you have to see this film. You will adore it. Tony Robbins, I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix now in 190 countries around the world translated. As of this Friday, dry 15th. Exactly. Watch it. You will enjoy it. And thank you so much for being here.

53:19Thanks for having me on again. Absolutely. Beautiful to be with you. Thank you. Thank you.

53:45Thank you.

54:05and secretly wished there were more emails. Now, when you subscribe, you'll also get an audio training called How to Get Anything You Want, which teaches you three simple and really useful principles to help you solve virtually any problem and create powerful forward momentum. So if you're not already an MF Insider, go to marieforleo.com forward slash insider and become one today. Thank you so much, and I'll catch you on the next podcast.

54:38We'll be right back.