473 - How to Get Confident, Beat Your Insecurities, and Overcome Fear

0:00I want to hear from you. what was the inspiration behind writing this particular book? Like Lisa, did you know, oh my gosh, I've got a book in me and I don't know what the topic is. Or you're like, I have to write about confidence. Tell me where this was born from. Yeah. I had zero thoughts about writing a book. I always admire you and Mel Robbins and just thought, oh my God, that's so amazing. I could never do that. It never even dawned on me to even approach writing a book. And I got the offer. So a literary agent reached out to Tom and said, hey, would Lisa be interested in writing a book? So my husband, he comes into my office and he's like, babe, can you believe it?

0:37Like someone just said, like, are you interested in writing a book? I'm like, oh, that's so sweet. Right, and I like go back to typing. And he's like, babe, did you just hear what I said? Like, why are you being so nonchalant about it? And I turned around and I was like, well, who would buy a book from me? And in that moment, I didn't beat myself up. I just gave myself grace. And I was like, oh, that young insecure Lisa's still here. like it's okay Lisa like you know you can believe in yourself and you've done it multiple times so why now are you letting this insecurity come to your top of mind and I was like I think I don't think she ever goes away yeah and so when I started to think about what this book would be and what the problems are in the world and how I can provide because you even just said like you're not an expert I think the same about myself I'm like I'm not a freaking expert I'm figuring it out as I go along, right?

1:25Like your book, Figureoutable. Like it's so, I just go, I know I need to keep moving forward. Now I didn't have that mindset for eight years. And for eight years, I was supporting my husband. I was a stay at home wife, really supporting his dreams and what he wanted to do. And being brought up as a Greek Orthodox, I thought that that was my role. I should be a good supportive wife. And so I fit very nicely into it. And so now looking back, I call it the purgatory, the mundane, because so many of us hit rock bottom. And that's what makes us change. That's what brings us like, oh my God, well, I've got nowhere else to go.

2:03So I may as well go for this thing. But what about so many of us that live in the purgatory of the mundane, where our life isn't rock bottom. And that's where I was for eight freaking years. And so radical confidence to me came about when I started to think about what were the things that I did to get out of that and everyone says to me oh my god you've got so much confidence and I was like it's it's false you have to hear the negative voice in my head that is every day telling me I'm not good enough what they see is that I do it anyway and so once I started to piece all these things together and go oh okay my life changed not because I had the confidence my life changed because I faced like with my insecurities with all the fear with all the things that I knew I wasn't good at I still moved forward.

2:49And now if I can talk about it, and that's where the subtitle came from, it's like, it's the 10 no BS lessons to being the hero of your own life. It doesn't mean you have to gain confidence. That's, that's not even to me, that shouldn't be the goal. And in fact, it's not the goal. How many of us do we know where you said, okay, you want confidence in what? Totally. To do what with it? Totally. Yeah. And I want to hang out and dig a little bit deeper in the purgatory of the mundane, because I think it's so important. You wrote in the book that that's in some ways even more dangerous than rock bottom.

3:24And the danger lies in the fact that it's comfortable, right? It's not so bad where rock bottom is like, you have to get up because you have no other choice. But when things are pretty much okay, and you're pretty comfortable, and then you hear the societal messages or your own conscious say, well, you should be grateful for what you have. You should just have such extraordinary gratitude for the fact that everything is okay and stable when you also have consciousness of what's happening in different parts of the world and what different people's experiences are. But I actually think it's really, really important to understand that subtlety of if your heart is unhappy and you keep trying to pep yourself up and go, no, no, no, I'm fine.

4:08I'm fine. Everything's really okay. I wonder if you can speak a little bit more about that because for eight years you were you were supporting Tom right it's like you were the supportive housewife and you did it amazingly and you brought your a game to it because that's the kind of human being you are and one of the many reasons why I love you but you were courageous enough to be honest with yourself that it wasn't enough yeah girl this is something I'm actually still struggling with about the gratitude thing because you know I really do believe gratitude helps I believe in moments of when you're always if you're sitting there and you're that person that's saying woe is me I can't believe this is my life it's like look around at all the amazing things in your life like gratitude can really flip you um flip that mindset around right and it can be amazing the problem is if you stay in the gratitude now you're dismissing all the parts of your life that you're not happy with that don't sit well with you that are literally you know for me it was actually smothering my dreams and my hopes of my future and I kept telling myself at least you've got a roof over your head but Lisa you have a husband that loves you you know how many people would die to have a husband that loves and cares about you as much as he does do you know how many people would die to be in a position where the husband goes and works works all day and you don't you don't have to work like that was the narrative I kept spinning and so every time that that sinking feeling of like is this my life am I really doing dishes again for the fourth time today?

5:33Like is really going to Costco the highlight of my freaking month? And the truth was yes, but I didn't feel like I had the confidence to say anything that I wasn't, that I wasn't happy. And so I ended up staying there by repeating the story in my head that I should be grateful. And what I realized in hindsight is you can be utterly, completely head over heels in love with some parts of your life and absolutely be totally unhappy in other parts. And I don't think we should ever just freaking settle. That's right. That's right. It's totally right. And I love to just to underscore that confidence isn't as important as most people think.

6:15And it's not the end game. We don't want confidence just for the sake of feeling confident. We want to be confident so that we go out and do the things that we really want to do. And you wrote this in the book. So I'm using your words here, my love. You don't need confidence to do new things. Doing new things creates confidence. It really is like that. And we often get asked the same kind of questions and people will think, Maria, but you seem like you know what you're doing all the time. I'm like, I do not, but I don't let it stop me. I never have. And I don't think that I ever will. And so I think, again, this is your words, not mine, which you're a brilliant writer, by the way.

6:53And I just, I don't know if you've heard that enough. You're a great storyteller. You said this isn't a chicken and egg situation because here there is a clear answer. Competence hatches confidence. Yeah. And that's the, and look, I understand why we all get stuck there because we want to feel good. Like when you walk into a room or, you know, if you find yourself in a moment of confidence, it feels amazing. and when you're walking into a room where you have utter inadequacy you're petrified scared to death it doesn't feel good so it actually like no judgment on understanding why people want the confidence first it's just it gets you stuck because what you're focusing on I want to feel so good about myself when I do this but we talk about goals right everything we do is all about well what are you trying to get to what life do you actually want to live because a lot of the time, if you set up your goal in order to get there, you have to get uncomfortable.

7:49I mean, do you know any successful person ever that hasn't gotten uncomfortable or failed? Oh, a hundred percent not a hundred percent not. And there's always a gap between our ambition and our ability, right? There's an ambition that lives in our heart and it's a vision that we have of a potential future self that we can inhabit. And nine times out of 10, and this has been true for me my entire life. It's still true today. There is a gap between my ambition and my ability. And I think that's what you're talking about here. It's like, yeah, that's evident. And we're going to bumble around and we're going to stumble and scrape our knees and make fools out of ourselves and be really shitty and sucky when we first get started.

8:31And welcome to the club. I love it so much. Ambition, difference between ambition and ability. That's so beautiful. And thinking about that, what I would then sit down, right, and say to people is, what is the goal? What skill set? What do you need to be able to do? And now what are the steps you're going to take to get there? Because I can't get out of my own head. I still have that negative voice. I still have that, oh my God, what are you doing? You're going to embarrass yourself. Can you believe you're about to get on, you know, Marie Forleo's podcast? I could then, that voice can go repeating and repeating.

9:04So I go, how do I mitigate that? How do I outweigh the voice in my head. And so it is about getting very tactical. So if I'm looking at a skill set, if I'm looking at an ability, it's like, what are the steps I need to do every single day to get there? Because that way, if I have a guide, a blueprint of what step I need to take, I can start to ignore the voice in my head and say, but I'm going to do it anyway. And that's the point of the book. It's not like, just believe you can and do it anyway. No, no, no, no, no. The voice in the head doesn't allow you to just believe you can. It becomes crippling.

9:38So I'm more about tactics, blueprint. What step do I have to do tomorrow? How do I be so good that no one can ignore me? How can I get so freaking good that when I eventually get competent, I show up and people think I'm confident? You know, I'm curious a little bit more about your history, too, because I know you come from a Greek Orthodox family. and for people that look at you now or they're listening right now and they're like oh my gosh Lisa is fire we love her she's amazing how spunky how powerful how strong you aren't always this way were you especially growing up no not at all so yeah growing up I was definitely teased a lot for my looks and my long Greek name and when you're a kid and you're young like that you just want to be liked and so I I grew up not wanting to you know go against the grain because as we all know the second you go against the grain it leaves you open to commentary potential insult and you know these days counts being cancelled and so I'm just like I literally just tried to fit in the box so that it didn't stand out and I saw where that got me and when I was trying to fit in the box about being that Greek, that good Greek wife and not even questioning whether I should have kids or not.

10:56Like it didn't even dawn on me, girl, that I could question it because my entire life I was like, well, no, you're going to get married and you're going to have kids. So it was amazing to look back now and think about, I got married and I literally, like, I think it was like the day after my marriage or something. I said to Thomas, like, okay, so, but in about a year, we'll have kids. Right. And he looked at me, he's like, what are you talking about? And I was like, well that's what the Greeks do like you get married and within a year and he's like babe he's like I married you because I want to be with you he's like we're still young like let's push off having kids and that was even the first time I was like I can push off having kids like it didn't dawn on me and we've spoken many times about the decisions to not have children and you know like the difficulty and things like that and like the backlash that you get yeah I mean it's an interesting topic.

11:46I think, you know, as the years advance, you, there's several other people, it's like, I've almost gathered a little bit of a, of a posse of friends who are women who have chosen not to have kids. And I know you and I have had some very funny texts about our pets and how much we, but it is, it's a, it's a unique choice. And, you know, while I come from an Italian an American family. And there was certainly that expectation, I think for me, and you never know when someone's coming into content. So for those of you guys who've known me for a while, you might have heard this before. And for those of you who are new, welcome.

12:22I'm going to tell you why I haven't had kids. So I knew from a very, very early age, like super early, Lisa, that I was like, this is not my path. I even remember walking around my neighborhood with like a little carriage and I had my Bert and Ernie, you know what I mean? Like my little dolls in there. And I remember my mom was like, oh, do you want to have kids? And I was like, no, I just like my dolls. I'm just going to carry them around. But it was just like, it wasn't for me. And I appreciated you telling the story in the book too about you guys really walked through it and you really looked at what your life might be like.

12:56Should you say yes to that choice? What that might entail. And it felt like, to me at least, you tried on that potential future and you got emotionally invested in what that reality might be. And then you looked at your alternative option, which was, hey, well, what happens if we choose not to help children? What might that mean for myself, for my marriage, for my mission, for all of that? And that option, correct me if I'm wrong, was the one that felt authentic and true to you. And so I think it's just important for women to have these conversations because even though it's 2022, so many still feel this intense cultural pressure to just pop babies out.

13:38And it's like, well, that's the reason that you're here. And it's like, it's not the reason that I'm here. It's definitely not the reason that I came to this earth. And we might be getting a little esoteric now, but I've had some incredible readings over the past few years. People who, you know, can kind of see into the energy of the past. And one of the things that I learned was in my previous incarnations, I died several times in childbirth. And, you know, when I came here for this round, it was like, no, I'm good. Like, I'm done. I've got other things that I want to focus on. And this kind of, you know, ride around the rodeo.

14:12But for you, was there angst in that decision or was it once it was clear, you felt a sense of relief? Utter angst. And I love this topic, girl, because it's not even talking about, well, we've decided to not have kids. It's about assessing what is actually true to you and asking yourself, is that a belief I was given or do I actually believe it? And then how do I lean into it and make the change in my life? Because I really think about when I first decided to not have kids, I remember the angst of like, how do I talk about it? Because I was getting so many people that were like, but you're selfish if you don't have children.

14:49Like I actually had people say that to me and my mom, it was like her heartbreak. So there was so much wrapped around the decision. And I think that's an important thing to talk about because now I'm also finding actually that the conversation is now flipping a little and women are now feeling the pressure to must be an entrepreneur, go to work. And, you know, I was talking to this woman, it was a few years back now, but she, you know, in line on vacation, you start chatting to all the strangers. You're like, what do you do? And how's life? And so she turns around and she asks me about what I do.

15:24So I just get very excited. Oh my God, Quest, Impact Theory, my show, Women of Impact. And I was like, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I'm just a mother. And I was so horrified. And I was like, I didn't know her, but I was like, homie, do not dismiss yourself. and I was like tell me about your being a mother tell me about your kids and before you know she's glowing she's talking to me their home she's homeschools them and all these different things that she's doing and it really dawned on me how us as women we have a perspective and if we don't fit into the mold of what is currently we feel bad about ourselves and then we feel bad about speaking up about it yeah so partly it's like we need to freaking stop we need to stop that and we need to say how can we support each other how can we own this is what I want in life and it's my decision and it shouldn't take me three years to have to make this decision and then have the confidence to say it out loud yeah and that's what happened with me it wasn't overnight it was like even just asking myself if I wanted children I felt guilty yeah asking the question to myself and you know going to a chapter in my book where it's like open the can of worms and embrace the ick is like one of my favorite chapters because we find it very hard to open the can of worms which means you have to ask the hard question and when you have have the hard question you have to embrace what comes with it but god i cannot emphasize enough how doing that changed my life and so I now realize that asking myself the hard question do I want children then assessing how I ask that question and really tap into me not what other people want not what I think I should have and I took took a Wednesday and I was like what would a Wednesday look like if I had kids what would a Wednesday look like if I had kids and I worked and what would a Wednesday look like if I didn't have kids.

17:22And now what life do I want? And I realized in that moment, I didn't want children and I loved what I did. And then it became the stepping stone on how I told my husband, babe, I love you. And I know I told you I was going to have four children when you met me. And now I put the clothes out for you. I put clothes out for you. I make your dinner every day. And babe, not only do I not want children, I don't want to take care of you anymore. that's embracing the ick and then figuring out how as a couple you navigate that decision and it was hard but let me tell you it led to the life I have did Tom bristle like did he when you first said that did he did any part of him I mean I know Tom well I love both of you guys but you know to hear like hey I don't want to take care of you anymore and obviously there's probably more nuance to the conversation than that but I'm curious if if part of Tom you know just bristled at that or did he really get it or did you guys have a dialogue about it so he can understand like hey I know you want to care for me the rest of my life you don't necessarily want to put out his gym clothes every morning yeah so I really processed how I was going to approach the conversation before I went into it because sometimes I can be a bit clunky and I can let my emotions run away with me I'm sure many people can relate and so I was like how yeah how can I address this and I just thought what would I want if the roles were reversed how would I want him to handle it if he'd said that this is the person he wants to be and then changes it over time and I so I sat and I was like I would want him to just acknowledge that he is changing the game it's not a bad thing but just acknowledge it versus this is who I am now and this is you have to accept it so I was like okay I need to give him the grace and let him know I recognize I'm changing I had to give him the grace to recognize like anything maybe he has to mourn the woman and wife he thought I was going to be.

19:15And in that, I realized I had to mourn the woman and wife I thought I was going to be. It was the right decision, but I had to let go of the fact that I no longer was going to have a baby grow inside me. That was something I was truly having to give up because I really wanted that. So I had to process what that meant. And I gave Tom the grace and I said that. So when we sat down and said, babe, I recognize I'm changing. And I recognize that it's going to be a bit of a hurdle for us to overcome but this is why I want to do I don't want to put clothes out because I've realized that working a quest because it was the early days of quest I was really realizing I loved business I was like I've never felt more alive and so expressing how you feel to your partner because that comes down to does your partner want good for you or not and are they willing to sacrifice some uncomfortable moments to bring happiness to you and that to me becomes a what partner do you have and what relationship do you have?

20:12And every, it's not like I tested him, but it was a test. I didn't mean to, right? But in those small moments, you are showing who you are and you are showing if you were true to your commitment that you made. And to me, it's like, I would happily get uncomfortable to make my husband happy if that's for the greater good of both of us. And so in that moment, I came to the table, I used very specific words. This makes me so happy. I've never felt so alive. How can I help you navigate this change? And he literally was like, babe, what kind of husband would I be if I wanted you to, you know, cook for me and make my life easy, but you're not happy.

20:52He's like, that's not the husband I want to be. So thank you for giving me the grace to mourn. And so he was like, so what? So I actually came up with a plan. I was like, all right, so this is what we do, babe. I put food out for you seven days a week. So we're going to start reducing that to six days. And then the next week, we're going to reduce it to five days. And then we're going to reduce it to four. And so he can not feel like I've just abandoned him. He sees that I'm making the effort to work with him over the change and that it really is a true partnership. And so we navigated it together.

21:24And that's. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. I think so many of us, you know, it could be personal relationships. It could be business relationships. We kind of sit on our truth so long that once we have the courage to speak up, you know, I'm sure a mistake I've made many times like I'm done, you know, and you just you're like, you're done. And it's because you've reached a limit. And I think that there's so much wisdom and listening to the wisdom within yourself and being able to speak up about it soon enough so that there can be transition, especially if you're the one, as you shared, changing the game.

21:54You're the one recognizing an evolution of self that is not what was previously agreed to. And then it can also speak into the emotion of why and, you know, why this matters so much. Here's what I've noticed. Here's what I've discovered. Here's what I learned. And here's what I want to do moving forward. Can I be honest with you? You are too nice and it's costing you money because every time you say yes to someone's quick question or tiny favor, you're saying no to that one big project that'll get you the income you want. Watch this free 12-minute class and I'm going to show you how to double your productivity and escape the three toxic lies that keep most nice people stuck.

22:30Go to marieforleo.com slash free class or scan the QR code on screen right now. I want to actually dive a little bit into, because I think this is important, you know, for anyone listening or watching right now who has a dream, you know, it could be a dream about their career. It could be something around their personal life, their health, their relationships, doesn't matter. But something that feels a little bit outside of their current capabilities or their current reality. I love the game that you and Tom play, right? No bullshit. Go ahead. Tell us about it. Tell us the game. Tell us how it works and how you do it.

23:05So yeah, it's called No Bullshit. What Would It Take? Because very often, me included, I used to dismiss things. That's not possible. I can't do that. Why doesn't, you know, why? Everyone else like Marie Forleo has an amazing show Marie for you know but why me I can't do it you know and so it's like well no if you flip your perspective said what would it actually take to achieve this and now you can assess with your eyes wide open if it's actually something you're willing to do because so many of us we have reasons why we can't do x y and z we have a goal we have a dream and then every day if there's a reason why we may not be able to do it and now if you play the no bullshit what would it take it's then actually laying out what it would actually take to do it so for example if i was to say i really want to be the best pianist in the world for my age and if i'm not going to put a caveat i'm going to be the best pianist all right what is it actually no bullshit what would it take for me to be the best pianist all right i would start to assess the best pianist in the world how many hours that they put in how do they practice what is their routine and I would immediately look at that as being my new schedule and I would say is that the life I want because now I've done the no bullshit what it would take so let's in fact let's back up so no bullshit what it would take is I can only see my husband on date night once a month because I don't have any more hours left my puppies who I spend you know 30 minutes with cuddling at the end of the day you don't get cuddle time all these friends you've made you're not going to be able to see them for four years um you have to move because right now you need to buy a piano and you can't afford a piano and so your apartment has to be reduced and so so you see where i'm going so you play the no bullshit what it would take and then you sit back and say am i willing to do it because here's the beauty in this?

25:06If the answer's no, amazing. Now you're not beating yourself up in five or 10 years that you're not the best pianist. You just say, oh, no, I actually decided five years ago that I wasn't willing to do what it took for me to be the best pianist. And now you've eliminated that freaking negative voice that wants to keep coming back year after year, telling you how much you failed on your goals that you've set. Yeah, no, it's so true. I mean, it's such a great reality check kind of thing because we can fool ourselves. No, but you know, I could do that. And it's like, yeah, but when you really sit down and you write it down and you map it out and you have that cold shower moment with what it's going to take, you got to get real between you and you.

25:50Is the desire really that big? Are you that hot on it? Can you maintain that level of heat and energy and motivation even when you don't feel like it for not just a couple months, but like we're talking years, if not decades to get to most places. And so I really love that. And I think it's such a good reality check for all of us whenever we kind of hear that voice in our mind about a particular goal or an aspiration or some type of experience that we want to have. That feels exciting, right? And that feels big and motivating and energizing, but it's like, you got to be able to perform when you're not feeling it.

26:29And are you willing to stick in there and do all of the sacrificing it's going to take to get there. Okay, so... And that's actually, just to add, that's actually one of the reasons why Tom and I decided to not have children. Because we play this all the time on any decision we make. We play the no bullshit, what would it take? And when we started to impact theory, and we said no bullshit, what would it actually take to impact people on a global scale? That is our mission and our goal on a global scale. It was, for us, no one has to do this, but no one has to do this. But for me and Tom, it was go all in.

27:02It means wake up, work, push forward, create content, do whatever we can every single day. And from Monday to Friday, Tom and I have decided that our lives are we wake up, we kiss a good morning, we work, and then we see each other as husband and wife in the evening when we kiss each other good night. That's the life we chose. But that was based on playing the game. No bullshit. What would it actually take to achieve global impact? So I think you also have a great and wonderful perspective on caring about what people think. And I wondered if you could speak to the notion because, you know, it's obviously common these days.

27:42And to a certain degree, I think to a certain aspect, you do have to embrace this somewhat. You can't care too much what everybody thinks all the time or else you would be immobile, right? You would just be paralyzed. But I love your fresh perspective about caring what people think about you. Yeah, thank you. So caring, that's what kept me there, you know, stuck in purgatory of the mundane for eight years was because I cared about what other people would say, think and do if I changed. Right. If I said I didn't want children, if I said I want to be an entrepreneur. And it's ingrained in so many of us to people please, to really want other people to like us.

28:22And I couldn't shake it. And I realized all these people are telling me to shake it, to not care, to, you know, not give an F and go and be you. And I was like, but it doesn't feel real. Like I still do care. Like I care how my mom feels. I care how, if I'm impacting someone, I care if I've triggered someone, like all of this makes it like, I really do care. And so I was like, okay, like anything in my life, if something can be a detriment to me, how can I actually use it as a superpower? So if something's a cryptonite that's holding me back, how can I shift perspective, change the way that I think of it and then use it as something to fuel me?

29:01So the caring part, I was like, OK, I do care, but maybe this is my freaking superpower. Maybe this is where I'm able to tap into certain things that maybe other people can't. And because I'm taking it to heart, I can really hear the message. And so that's important. But here's the caveat. you cannot you cannot let it dictate how you show up to be authentically you and that was the difference where it's like you start reading I don't know how you um if you read comments you know on your videos or on your podcast but it's like I really want to hear if something hits someone and if that message really resonated and so that part of me cares but now how do you differentiate that between someone commenting that they freaking hate your clothes and they hate your hairstyle right in those moments because I'm so goal-oriented I had a message actually that was like Lisa I love your content but your pink leggings or your pink leg warmers are so hideous and your set is so pink I have I had to switch off your video now in those moments girl I'm so goal-oriented so let me tell you my clothes didn't move me towards my goals because she switched off the video.

30:14So now I have someone here that I really care about what they think. I really care about if I've impacted them, but now she's saying she doesn't like my clothes. And in that moment, how am I going to show up? Do I say, oh my God, okay, great. I'm never going to wear those again. That would make her happy. It would move me towards my goal because now she watches my content again. But does that align with who I want to be and how I show up every day. And that's the question I ask because I want to please them. But the truth is, what do I stand for? And what do I stand for? Not just in times of amazingness, but what do I stand for when the shit hits the fan and things get hard?

30:56And that is what I look to. And in that moment where it was a hard decision to make, I went back to who do I stand for? What does my show stand for and it's about encouraging people and women to be so authentic to themselves and live the life they want and I'm creating a community where people can feel safe in this space to say who they are no matter what that is and be accepted and so now I'm like literally considering not wearing my freaking leg warmers because someone made a comment and that is how I processed in that moment the fine line between really caring and using it as a superpower but also not letting dictate who you are.

31:35So I really, I replied to them and I'm like, thank you so much for this comment. Um, I really appreciate it. But just to let you know, I stand for authenticity and I'm sad you cannot see that in, I don't expect you to love my clothes, but I stand for authenticity and I am going to show up in my true sense. So I will be wearing them again. And I totally understand if you cannot watch my content and I can only respect if you stop following me. damn lisa i'm telling you you gave a lot more time than i'd be like next but you know that's we're very different beings but i appreciate that so much and i think uh one of the next things i love is about when it comes to the negative voice in our own head right our inner critic a common piece of advice that we all will hear is that you need to shut it down and don't listen and you say if your negative voice is always pointing out your flaws maybe it's time to listen say more yeah uh again i literally go to this is something that gets in my way how the hell do i not let it stop me i'm just gonna keep repeating i did that for eight years hells to the no am i ever going back there so i literally every time i find an obstacle or something that happens that i'm like this could stop me how the hell do i make sure it doesn't so it just got i literally just scramble in my head oh my god what's the best how can i see this is an amazing thing how can i see this as a positive because i will go down and spiral down into the negative so the negative voice is it can be crippling it can tell you everything you're not good at and i was like oh my god okay she's crippling she's not nice to me she's a freaking bitch like how do i held like do i shut her up because everyone's saying just shut her down well you know what happens when you can't shut do that now i start beating myself up over the fact that i can't stop me beating myself up and i'm like it's a freaking spiral it's like this you know it's a trap it's a trap girl it's a trap so i said okay how do i use this to my advantage if it was my superpower what would that look like and it's it's like the your partner tom when i turn to him and he gives me advice he wants the best for me but does that mean he's always kind to me does that mean he's all the words out of his mouth are always going to be nice or do i expect him as my partner to be honest with me when I'm also failing, when I'm also messing up, when I'm also not doing something that he actually thinks is going to get me where I want to go.