Meghan Markle, Ryan Reynolds, Oprah and Others Compete with Fellow Offenders at The Nerve Awards!

0:01Hello and welcome to the 2025 Inaugural NERV. Awards. I am your host, Maureen Callahan. I'm here with my co-host, Teddy Van Halen. And now is the long-awaited time to give proper recognition to all those recidivists who really have it coming. In fact, we've actually furloughed some of our top repeat offenders to join us here on set, even if just in effigy. We've got Bill Maher, who really, really made it clear how much She hates red lingerie. We've got Violet Affleck from her masked-up appearance at the UN. And we've got Greta Thunberg with her bangs. Marlena got Greta's bangs. We've also got Meghan Markle's psycho vision board, which allegedly existed long before she ever met Harry.

0:57And we have our Stedman Graham crime board. It's our homeland board of his last known whereabouts, and our prime suspects in his disappearance. And we have an update here because this has gone from a search and rescue mission to a search and recovery mission. We all know what that means. And we're going to go live with what we understand is a secret mission that may or may not involve the United States military to recover Stedman's remains. Now, of course, it would not be the Nerve Awards without other categories that no other awards show would ever dream of conceiving, let alone doling out. So are you ready?

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3:22That's wildalaskan.com slash nerve for$35 off your first order. And thanks to Wild Alaskan Company for sponsoring this episode. We begin tonight's awards with the category called arsonist, career or otherwise. Our nominees are Jon Hamm for setting fire to a frat pledge back when he was in college and getting away with it. Ryan Reynolds for burning down his elementary school in Canada and getting away with it. Meghan Markle for torching what was left of her reputation this year. And Jeremy Irons for this contribution to the culture. Could a father not marry his son? Well, there are laws against incest.

4:18It's not incest between men. Incest is there to protect us from having inbreeding. But men don't breed, therefore they...so incest wouldn't cover them. Now, if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him. I got to give it to Jeremy Irons. Again, he did not just defend incest between fathers and sons, but he mentioned that there are some great tax breaks involved. Now, our winner for arsonist, sorry, Teddy, don't be afraid. These people are getting nowhere near you. Arsonist, career or otherwise is Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds who actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got away with it for years.

5:20Congratulations Ryan. Now our next category homicidal celebrity maniac of the year and trust me when I tell you this one is packed. It is packed. Our nominees are Elizabeth Gilbert, the self-help author who wrote about her plans to murder her dying girlfriend in her sleep by switching out her chemo pills and then smothering her to death with a pillow. Priscilla Presley, who has been accused in a lawsuit by two former business partners of prematurely pulling the plug on her daughter, Lisa Marie, who had left as her stated wishes that she wanted every extraordinary measure taken to preserve her life.

6:05And upon unplugging, Lisa Marie's vent allegedly reportedly said, I am the queen of Graceland now. Gary slash Jerry of The Golden Bachelor, whose first wife died of a mysterious illness and who I believe was cremated awfully quickly. Alec Baldwin, who got into a car crash in East Hampton a few months back on the heels of barely getting away with the shooting death of Rust cinematographer Helena Hutchins. Matthew Broderick, who we revisited for having killed a mother and daughter in a head-on collision in Ireland and then buying a house just miles from where it occurred. Oprah and Gail, currently the prime suspects in the disappearance of one Stedman Graham and JFK Jr., who we took to our wood chipper at the end of CNN's three-part documentary, proving our case that he absolutely was engaged, whether he was dialed in or not, on a murder-suicide mission the night he killed himself, his wife, and her sister.

7:13And the winner of Homicidal Maniac of the Year goes to, we think it's the beginning of a sweep. We do. It is Oprah and Gail, who as of now have gotten away, we think, with murder.

7:36Now, again, as I stated, we are getting incoming word that a secret live military op is going to begin imminently, and we will cut to it as soon as we can. We have a hot tip on the whereabouts instead of Graham, or what's left of him. Now, on to our third category, nerve clapbacks. We are very proud here at the Nerve to say that we've only been around for eight months, but we're certainly striking some people where it hurts. We begin after our mini, which you guys loved, on Tracee Ellis Ross's solo travel show in which she proudly dry brushed every single limb. In first class, Tracy clapped back.

8:29Our second nominee, Sarah Jessica Parker, who we said was never reading on a subway. Not reading on a subway. No New Yorker is going to read on a subway train. And within like a month, we got this. The New Yorker inaugurated what it called its mini interview series in the fall, as far as we can tell. It's clear they're ripping off the nerve. It's cool. And then there were no shortage of New York Times headlines, we believe, inspired by the nerve. And we'll show you a few. Trump's wrecking ball strikes a nerve. The troublemaker behind Netflix's biggest gamble. at Hammer Museum, a hammer lacks nerve.

9:19And Jack Schlossberg's seemingly since aborted series that he seems to have also scrubbed from his Instagram account, Ask Not with Jack Schlossberg. And the winner for Nerve Clapbacks is...

9:40Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy, you won something. Okay? You won something. And you know what? Tracy, the nerve has two special episodes upcoming inspired by you. And you know what? It's a travel show, and it's a travel show done right. And we took a few cues from you. You know, my travel buddy and I, we brought some dry brushes to a wholly inappropriate place. So we hope you'll enjoy and watch and give us your feedback. Teddy just flung his hat off. He's already over it. He's already over the bullshit. Joining us now to present the award for best worst actress in a hate watch, the one and only Tim, the celebrity makeup artist.

10:29It's Tim McKay. Welcome, Tim. Hi, Maureen. Hello. Mwah. Mwah. You look beautiful. Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you. I need a powder. I'm a little shiny. Sorry. The excitement has already, you know, taken its toll. You look amazing. Oh, you are the best. Now, Tim. Tim's the real deal, by the way. He's not, you know, one of these, like, you know, people are always just like, oh, you're so great. You're so great. You're so great. He will always correct you if you need it. Okay, now, best worst actress in a hate watch. This was a very, very tough category, Tim. Now, you and I went through these hate watches together and we talked to the troublemaker community about them would you like to why don't i um why don't you read the nominees okay and then uh i'll share the winner with you and we can react together because we don't know who it is okay very exciting well the nominees for best worst actress are sarah jessica parker jennifer aniston and claire danes this is tough Now we had Sarah Jessica Parker, our favorite sprightly 900-year-old heroine.

11:40I've never experienced a man seeing me as smart first. Sexy, yes. Cute, yes. Humble, no. And we believe her terrible acting definitely contributed to the early death of And Just Like That, even though they claim it was an artistic decision. We all know the truth. Jennifer Aniston. um tim you perhaps more than any guest this year really identified jennifer aniston's tics oh oh that this is like her main one she loves to do a hand to the head oh okay what are we not thinking of chip come on who are we not thinking of who could help come on there's got to be somebody we can call okay look she's just the best with her can you do her stammer please I, I, I, I, I, no.

12:31I mean, I feel like I could be up there with best works actress too. Well, yeah, exactly. That's exactly the point. Um, and our, our third is Claire Danes, whose cry face has reached critical mass. America is a weary nation. We would like her to dial it back just a little right like every every feature on the face at once kind of yes i think you believe the lie and i think he resents you for it and we think it's a flex to be like hey look at you the rest of you bitches i don't get botox i'm that dedicated of an actress and she is acting she's putting all of it onto that face all of it it is a lot and the winner in this very crowded category The first, I can't say first annual, it's the inaugural.

13:26Inaugural Best Worst Actress in a Hate Watch goes to Sarah Jessica Parker! Congrats, Sarah. Congrats for killing an entire franchise with your raging ego and your insistence that you're just a sprightly girl of 28. Thank you, Tim, for joining Minerva Awards. Oh, thank you. We look forward to our Hate Watch in 2026. As discussed, it's Emily in Paris. Thank you so much, Maureen. Thanks for joining, Tim. And now for the NERVES, very special Sex Crimes Against the Culture Award. We know there is only one winner of this category, and he has been befouling all of us from his subterranean club random, where I often say I can't believe any celebrity goes, but females especially, without luminol and a blue light.

14:20And in honor of Bill and all he has given to women this year from defending Sean Diddy Combs in an op-ed on Real Time and blaming all the women who got beaten the shit out of, you know, for not leaving right away to telling Drew Barrymore that she was still super fuckable to telling Barbara Eden what OnlyFans is and using the word masturbating in front of this non-Agerian, Lingerian, classy legend. Bill, not only do we have you in the red lingerie that you made very clear on Club Random that you will not abide in the bourgeois. None of your female friends are allowed to wear red lingerie because you don't like it.

15:07And you know what else? We really gave this some thought because we talked about here at Nerve HQ. But, you know, Marlena and I especially, what kind of hanger Bill would allow a female guest to use in his house? And then we realized he doesn't even have anyone around long enough to actually even ask them. And so what Bill would do would hand over one of the cheap, dry cleaning wire hangers and tell especially anyone who dared to cross that threshold wearing anything red, you could hang it on that. Okay, now we are going to search because I do not think that there is a television studio. Bill Maher has not be fouled coast to coast.

15:56We are going to search for evidence that Bill Maher, also self-admitted masturbator before any given show, before any given real-time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in the mood. We are going to search. We've got our luminol and we've got our blue light and we've got our sperm tracker and And here we go. And lo and behold, okay, I know whereof I speak. There is evidence that looks like evidence of Bill Maher's, can I say splooge? Would you guys be offended if I said that? That's what that is, okay? Marlena's telling me I can say it. You know what? It's time for intervention number two, Marlena, okay?

16:38Bill Maher, consider yourself the winner, the winner this year of the ultra special Sex Crimes Against the Culture Award. And here's to you keeping it going in 2026. We will see you after a minute. Ever read the label on a typical chip bag? It's a science experiment of seed oils, MSG dyes, and vague natural flavors. Vandy Crisps is part of the growing movement to bring back real food. They're made of just three ingredients, 100 % pesticide-free potatoes, sea salt, and grass-fed beef tallow. No junk. They taste amazing, and they leave you feeling light, energized, and satisfied. No crash, bloat, or mindless binging.

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18:19We are back as discussed breaking news. There is a special ops mission to recover the remains of one Stedman Graham. This is a segment we are calling zero bark 30. We have heard now we have word the Apache helicopter is within seconds of landing at this compound at an unnamed location in the Middle East. In it comes, in it comes, in it comes. It's going to hover and attempt to land without detection. Can it do it? Can it do it? This is make or break. We've only got one, one helicopter on this mission. Can we land? Can we do it? Let's get down quietly. Oh, beautiful landing. We're a little bit off the mark, but it's a beautiful landing.

19:10Teddy is now donning his night vision goggles. We're going in. We're going in. We believe that Stedman Graham's remains have been left at this compound in Abbottabad. Okay. Now this is a nerve award category. Celebrity appendage or plus one most in need of a seal team six extraction. And And if you recall in Zero Dark Thirty, there was a dog on that raid by the name of Cairo. In our nerve raid on this compound, our special dog on this mission is one Teddy Van Halen. There's nothing this dog can't do. And he's been devoted to sniffing out wherever Oprah and Gail left Stedman. And so our nominees are, of course, Stedman Graham.

19:56Our second nominee in this category is Thomas Markle. and our third is brother craig of the craig and michelle obama in my opinion podcast the winner is i mean i don't even need to open an envelope it's steadman that's the whole point of this raid now teddy is about to go in and to see if he can find the remains and or any evidence that Oprah and Gail have been there. Here we go. Teddy. Hey, all right. You can do it without your night vision goggles. Go for it. Where are they? Where are they? You see them. You see this look. Velveeta cheese, TGI Fridays. What a designer handbag. We've got a Slurpee, a Pizza a hot order.

20:51These two have been ordering grub up. You know, they may be on Ozempic, but he said he is so, you're not very good in the field, dude. You did better in training. He really doesn't want any part of this, and I can't blame him. I will, however, give you some cheese that those two Ozempic fiends left behind. They're shame eating anyway. Stedman's remains nowhere to be found, but we do have a lead. This is progress. We have evidence that Oprah and Gail have been here. So we're on to them. We're getting closer and closer by the day. Next up, we have, what is our next award? Well, we've got to let Teddy go and change back into his black tie.

21:37So let's let's let him exit this crime scene with his dignity. Bye, Ted. Thank you for your service. Well, we tried. Nobody has a thing to be ashamed of. And the Apache helicopter is going to take off for safe return back to its base. Oprah and Gayle, this isn't the last you're going to hear from the nerve, okay? Now, moving on. We have Black Tie Teddy returning to help present our next NERV award of 2025. Come on back in, Ted. Seems you're a little bit worse for wear. You've been through a lot, but you're doing beautifully. By the way, did you guys notice Teddy has actual tails on this thing?

22:25It's amazing. Okay, I won't put the hat back on. Don't worry. Now, our next award is Dastardly Duo of the Year. Again, the competition for this one is fierce. Our nominees are Oprah, Oprah and Gail, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively and Taylor Swift, Kristen and Dax Shepard, Jennifer Aniston and her hypnotist boyfriend, Jim Curtis. Teddy can't stand any of these people. Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. And last but not least, Megan and Harry. And the award for Dastardly Duo of the Year goes to... I mean, it was a landslide. Oprah and Gail. Where's Stedman?

23:18Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman? Stedman, if you are alive, For the millionth time, my man, please get in touch. Okay, moving on. Most unlistenable podcast of 2025. We have only three nominees. This is a lean and mean category. Our first nominee with her second iteration of a podcast, that ray of sunshine known as Michelle Obama. I did your chewing annoy me so much. Let's discuss. Jamie Kern Lima. Hi, and welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima Show. And if we're just meeting for the first time, hi, I'm Jamie. And Chelsea Clinton. Is it just me or are things really weird right now in the world of public health?

24:08I'm sorry, I forgot nominee number four. Of course, who else? Also her second iteration of a podcast, Meghan Markle. I'm Meghan, and this is Confessions of a Female Founder. and our winner of the 2025 Nerve Award for the most unlistenable podcast of the year, purely for tenor and tone, content aside, inane though it may be, it is one Jamie Kern Lima. Congratulations, mindless bitch. You just won a Nerve Award. Okay, now on to the award for be fouling the lexicon. I have got to put Teddy down. He's dying over here. It's okay, Teddy, run free. The award has three nominees. I'm pretty sure. I'll check my notes, but I'm pretty sure.

25:03Yes, three nominees. First up, the cocaine clause. Now the cocaine clause was introduced to the lexicon as it was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were getting a divorce. And according to their prenuptial, various reports hold that this clause stipulated that Keith Urban would receive between$600 ,000 and$900 ,000 for every year of the marriage in which he remained completely sober from drugs and alcohol. And if he was passing his blood and his urine tests, Keith is in a receipt of, it looks like,$11 million conservatively. Word number two, befouling the lexicon. Felching. This word was introduced to us in the unfolding, unending Olivia Nuzi, RFK Jr.

25:53scandal. Olivia's ex-fiance, Ryan Lizza, has been penning multiple accounts of their relationship, and he basically outed RFK Jr. and Olivia Nuzi as enthusiasts of, if not actual practitioners of, felching. According to AI slash Urban Dictionary, felching is a sexual practice. If you have children around, get them out of the room immediately. Involving the oral suction or licking of semen from a partner's anus, ask Bill Maher all about it, often after anal intercourse. I'm not saying Bill, I'm not. Calm down. And felching carries significant risks for transmitting sexually transmitted diseases.

26:40What else? Who wrote this? Now, it can be an act of intimacy or a fetish for some. Either way, it is considered an unsafe sex practice. And our final word introduced to the lexicon this year, learns. And that came to us via one Meghan Markle in interminable interview after interminable interview, in which she talked about what a brilliant entrepreneur slash female founder. She is learns, by the way, is not even a word. And we are building a mini word shed wing as we speak. The winner for Befouling the Lexicon is, I mean, this is such a tough category. It's got to be, well, I'm going to give it to the cocaine clause.

27:32I think it's inventive. I think it is revolutionary. And I love the alliteration. Okay, next up, the Kennedy Widows Award. And again, the competition is fierce. These are women who have had some dealings with the Kennedy family, whether affairs or marriages, what have you. And the competition is who was the closest to the most famous male, Kennedy going. Our first nominee from the JFK Jr. three-part quote-unquote documentary series, former Real Housewife of New York City, Carol Radziwill. John was like resigning to the fact that Anthony was likely not going to make it back to the city at the end of the summer.

28:28And then John broke his foot. That was just a disaster. For nearly breaking into tears, Over John Jr. breaking his foot in yet another wholly preventable accident he caused while some guy she married was dying of cancer. That is the work of one Carol Radziwill. Next up, Olivia Nuzzi, as discussed, who has been peddling her memoir that nobody wants to buy. It sold like a thousand copies in its first week out. That is bad. OK, that is a bomb, bomb, bomb. She has been cosplaying as Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it. And our third nominee, Cheryl Hines, who has been asked very dainty questions about her husband's sordid behavior, allegedly.

29:15And this is her response. When you see rumors or speculation about your marriage, how do you keep your cool and decide what's worth responding to versus what's just noise? I think you always have to consider the source. And the winner in this very difficult category for ultimate Kennedy widow of the year. Not that Cheryl's like a technical widow, nor is Olivia, but you know what I'm saying. It's metaphorical. Our winner is Carol Radzwill for pretending to be a bastion of journalistic integrity while weeping all over the CNN airwaves about a guy she barely knew, in my opinion, while her real husband was actually dying of cancer.

30:00That is class, class, class. We move on. We move on to our Dwarf Minds Award of 2025. And we begin. The thread continues. Would-be Kennedy scion, Jack Schlossberg. Dear President Putin. Our next nominee is Lori Loughlin, who, according to page six in the run-up to her divorce from her longtime husband, Massimo Giannulli, went to the strip club that her husband frequented all the time to interrogate the strippers as to what her husband was doing there. Our third nominee, George Clooney. George Clooney, who loves to pretend to be a journalist, loves nothing more. And he did an interview with CBS Mornings.

30:57Or was this 60 Minutes? I don't remember. But anyway, George was talking about all the substantial work he tried to do. He's not just a pretty face, but he's trying to bring peace to war-torn nations. It doesn't always work out. Here's George Clooney. I worked on trying to help solve some of the problems in Darfur in the early 2000s. Failed. You failed more often than you succeeded. And the award for dwarf mind of the year goes to Jack Schlossberg, who's currently running for Congress out of like the 12th district of New York.

31:39Now, as we continue, this is a thread. This is an emerging thread. The nerve loves to pull it threads. Our next category, Nepo Spawn of the Year. And trust me, they are all failures. We begin Apple, Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Cold plays Chris Martin as she attempts to launch a singing career.